I have paid an enormous price for this insight into mental illness. It as cost me greatly, I have lost so much because of my illness and brought much pain and worry to both my families. And also it’s affected so much of my social life, especially that being the lost of many friends and close acquaintances.
When I’m experiencing a ‘not so good day’, I just need to be alone but yet it’s the last thing I want. Being alone is the last thing someone should be when not feeling well. A sure symptom of depression is isolating, where socializing and being around people is hard to do. You can feel all alone in the most crowded room. Or to the opposite extreme where being around people can make you feel so overwhelmed and anxiety provoking. You feel guilty because you are feeling sad and you don’t want to bring others down. And there are days when you just can’t hide how you are really feeling, for the sake of others. You have to be honest and admit, I’m not having a good day.
I cannot remember the last time I could say, ‘I had a good day’. I sat in my doctor’s office, with tears trickling down my face and I looked into his eyes and said, ‘If this is living, I’m not living’. I have an amazing, compassionate, caring doctor but he doesn’t have the answers; there is only so much that he can do. It is my belief that what can be done both medically and therapeutically for me, is done. The brain is the most complex organ in the body and the least is known about it. Therefore it is least treatable.
Am I discouraged? Yes, I have days when I think, what’s the point? And feel like flushing my meds down the toilet. I’m not winning this war. But then I think of where I was six years ago, to where I am today; I’ve come a long way. I have to believe that achieving and maintaining a healthy mind is not a single battle, but an on going war. And God knows I have fought my battles, I’m still in the war. But I cannot throw down my armour and wave my white flag in surrender and let depression win, I just can’t. Even when I feel like all options are gone, I still have the promise of God; to never leave me or forsake me.
I feel like I’m walking on water, but I’m sinking… I’m going down. But I’ve taken my medication religiously, I’ve done everything right to my knowledge but yet that heavy gnawing inside me; a sad, aching feeling that something isn’t right inside my head. The darkness is desperately trying to swallow me. Depression may be in my mind, but it’s not in my imagination, this is real. You know that something is wrong and you are grasping for help.
When you’re in the darkness of depression, you need a reason to hope. But lately I’m having days when hope is nearly gone. Even if you’re trying medications (and I’ve tried what seems like hundreds) that didn’t work, at least I still felt I was doing something, even if that something is figuring out what won’t work. But if we do nothing at all, then we are hopeless. So to keep hope alive, I fight with every ounce of strength I have within me and pray that my strength doesn’t fail. A very scary place to be.
I know that because this illness is so stigmatized and misunderstood, that many minimize it’s seriousness and existence. I can sit here for hours and talk of my experience but the best way I feel you may get a better understanding of this illness and what it can do, is for me to give you some statistics to prove my point.
300 million people around the world have depression, according to the World Health Organization.
Depression is the leading cause of disability in the workplace.
1 in 5 people in Canada will experience a mental illness (Canadian Mental Health Association).
The Centre for Suicide Prevention states: “The number of people who die by suicide each year in Canada equates to a jumbo jet 747 crashing and killing everyone on board….. every single month of the year. If as many people died in plane crashes as they do by suicide, there would be a pubic uproar. Instead, SUICIDE is swept under the carpet and not talked about”.
The latest research shows there were 3,926 suicides in Canada in 2016.
Canada loses close to 200 children and youth to suicide every year.
Today in Canada 10 people will end their lives by suicide; up to 200 others will attempt so.
Suicide is currently ranked as the 9th leading cause of death in Canada.
Majority of suicides are due to some form mental illness.
The statistics speak for themselves, ‘this illness is real’. And not talking about it will not make it go away but will only intensify it’s effect on mankind. I believe that with time, these statistics will keep growing and we are headed for an epidemic that will be out of control. I pray that I am wrong but time will tell. Watch the Clock!