Finding Me
What happens when you think what was only going to last a few months, last for years? Or let’s go a little further and say, last a lifetime? A constant presence that made it’s home in the recesses of your mind. A presence that sometimes didn’t manifest itself openly but just lingered in my subconscious mind. And then other times it would explode into a volcano of hot molten lava. Taking control of my mind and body and rendering me disabled to a point of non-functioning. And to this day, I still live with the uneasy, unexpected, uncontrollable manifestations of my ugly, ever present disorder of a mental illness.
It’s morning, the beautiful sunshine peaks through the slats of the blind that’s trying desperately to block out the brightness of the beams of light that are piercing the window panes. But as I lie there in bed for just that second, long enough to open my eyes, I realize I have to jump out and let that brightness enter my darkened world. Just maybe it will not only pierce the darkness of the room, but the darkness that fills my being. My depression acts as a blind to my brain; it blocks out any light that is so desperately trying to get in. I pray I could just pull a chord, like I just done to the blind of our window, and the darkness would go away. But with my illness, especially in the morning, I struggle, no matter how bright the sun is shining, a veil, a darkness overshadows my thoughts. The fear of just getting out of bed overwhelms me, I don’t let it stop me because if I did I would be giving into it’s power over me. So I push myself through the opening of the bedroom door and face my day with an heavy heart and a debilitating anxiousness.
There is nothing in this world that I want any more , then to feel the joy and peace that I once knew before this illness captured me in it’s grips and literally sucked the life from me. Happiness, joy, peace doesn’t come naturally anymore, I have to desperately seek it out. I know it’s there, it’s all around me but my brain chemistry tells me differently . It steals my love for life, my energy, my drive, my patience, my endurance, it steals the ‘me’ that’s locked inside and just can’t escape.
I am tired, just plain tired, sick of this torment, sick of this thing I call life. The life that’s inside my head, that broken life, that life I long to escape. I know that ‘me’ that once I loved, the me that was so outgoing, fearless and strong; is still there somewhere, lost in the broken and tangled mess of my mind. I will keep searching, and maybe just one day, one day, I will find ‘me’ again.