It’s been said, ” You never know what a day will bring forth”. Yesterday was one of those days that I thought would be like any other. All of which come with it’s challenges, responsibilities and the unknown. Never would I be prepared for what was about to unfold.
Writing- Therapy?
I’m reading a book by Benjamin Cox and in his book he says, “I am writing to save my life; it’s the only thing that helps, like therapy in a way.” I can totally relate to what he’s referring to. Ben is a recovering addict; I’m a recovering mental ill person. Just like Ben, we will have to fight our “demons” for the rest of our lives.
Every day for me is still a battle/struggle. Life doesn’t come by so easily has it use to. Even the little things, sometimes seem so overwhelming. Just like Ben, I will always be a work in progress. There will be days when I don’t feel so well but I do have things in place that help me to cope. And writing my thoughts on paper, I find really helps. Then sharing these thoughts on my blog makes me feel like I am helping someone else who is suffering from their mental illness.
It seems like forever since I have written, but that’s because I have written but have not published in my blog. Sometimes my thoughts are too deep that they are not for public viewing. This past week has really been a tough one. In spite of my illness, I still have so many battles to fight. All of which are triggers for my illness but fight I must; I don’t live in a bubble, life still has to move on. One such battle is trying to obtain funding for Lauren. We get no Government assistance; I have gone from Provincial to Federal with no hope in sight. Then accessibility and all inclusion battles have left me discouraged, drained and to a point of just giving up but I know I can’t; she’s depending on me. Raising a child with a disability opens your eyes to an whole new different world; that only those who have experienced it can relate. A world and society that are not all that accepting has we hope to think they are.
I guess now I’m an advocate for both our disabilities; Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder and Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy. Neither of which our society has made it any easier to be accepted and included. There is a stigma attached to both and I’m sure that Ben can certainly relate to; with him being a recovering addict.
I find writing to be an outlet. A place to free your mind of all it’s thought. A means to find an escape, even if it’s only for a few moments. Like Ben, if it’s going to save my life then I will write, write write!
My Outlook On Life After My Last Severe Relapse Of A Total Mental Breakdown.
How has my traumatic experience affected my overall perception of life? It has certainly changed it in a more positive way. I now look at life has being a gift each day because at any moment our lives can change without any notice. A life altering traumatic experience can change our lives forever or death can come knocking on our door; we are not meant to live forever, that’s life. After experiencing both traumas; I now perceive life to be something that is totally out of our control. It’s a day by day experience that we should never take for granted.
Having survived my worse nightmare, when I really thought I was never going to make it; but I did. I am totally thankful , grateful, and amazed at where I am today. I am now at a more functioning level to a point, stronger and very insightful.
I am also very aware of the pain that this illness can inflict on a person. It’s a pain that is so overwhelming and intense, that you feel well never end. You think there is no light left but gradually the light comes back on and life once again can become a little brighter.Sunny days start to become sunny again, because when you are at the acute stage of your illness, all you see is the fog. It’s not a weakness but a painful illness. I now live in the moment; not in the past, nor in the future. The past is over and done with and we are not promised tomorrow, only today.
I am now a champion fighter for mental health, I’m not saying I have all the answers and I’m definitely not saying I’m cured but I now am an advocate for mental health and mental ill persons. Without having gone through this traumatic illness I would never have been able to do what I do today. So in some ways I am thankful (a very big price to pay) but when someone says, they are depressed, suffering from anxiety, living in darkness, not wanting to live anymore; I can honestly say, ‘I can relate’. I know what you are going through, you are not alone! It took me five years to be able to say I am thankful for what I went through and there are still some days that I am not thankful. Days when I am reminded of all I’ve lost that being; relationships, materialism, confidence, self-worth, my purpose, time, memories. Now it’s all about finding my new normal.
Do I like my new normal, to be honest and truthful; not really. I didn’t choose to move from a place I called home and was quite content; St.John’s. I didn’t choose to give up my profession. I didn’t choose much of anything, my illness dictated it. I certainly didn’t choose to put my family; especially my wife and two children through this trauma. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be living in Bay Roberts (not that there’s anything wrong with it). I was quite content right where I was. But gradually now , with time, patience, a shift in thinking; I’m doing okay and becoming more content.
I will never be the person I was before my breakdown, but that doesn’t mean my life is over. I am so filled with gratitude to where God has brought me; He really does have a sense of humour (I don’t always think it’s funny lol). But I am so glad and thankful that He brought me out of the pit of despair.
My perception of life has certainly changed. I certainly won’t ever take life for granted and I will always believe there is an higher power. There has to be; there’s more to life then ‘this’. We were never meant to walk this journey of life alone, even from creation God was present. This is one battle that you/I cannot fight alone. You have to search for that power/strength within you, that being God. We ourselves work in the natural but with God we work in the supernatural.
A Fight For Our Lives
It’s been said ,”that it’s the scrupy wheel that get’s the grease”. It seems I’ve been the scrupy wheel quite often these pass few months. If I have a cause that needs grease then I have no problem stating my case. From mental health issues, accessibility for disabled persons, inclusion for all, funding for disability needs, etc. We have to fight for our lives! I feel this should go public, just to give you a glimpse into what we have to fight for and this is just a taste.
Several months ago I contacted our MHA; Ms. Pam Parsons because we were barely surviving. I was speaking with her assistant, who I poured my heart and soul out to. Only to learn we did not qualify for anything ( I’m referring to some help, care and cost for Lauren who has Spastic Quadriplegic cerebral palsy) because of my wife’s income. I heard back from Ms. Parsons this week, not because of my visit to her office but because of my appearance on the NTV show, Heart Matters. It was obvious to me she did not make the connection. When I brought it up, she knew nothing of my visit and had to look up my file to see just what I was all about. I sensed a little disconnection on their part.
After a lengthy conversation with Ms. Parsons it was obvious to me that the Provincial Government was certainly not going to be our lifeline. Yet she did promise to work on our “file” that wasn’t looking all that hopeful.
She then suggested I contact our Federal MP; Mr Ken McDonald. Which I did and again could only speak to his assistant. I documented every word I said during this conversation. And I thought I should share it with you in hopes that public knowledge would add extra pressure.
She started the conversation with, “well what is it exactly you are looking for?” And I started my lengthy monologue:
What I am fighting for is our lives, I feel we are a family drowning in despair, tired of fighting, totally exhausted.
I have fought mental illness all my life, but five years ago I experienced a total mental breakdown. Meaning I was rendered totally disabled; unable to function. I was told by my psychiatrist there was no cure for my illness and that I needed to apply for Canada Pension Disability because it was unlikely I would ever return to work. Our world that day was forever changed. I went from a person that was self-employed for 28 years, to a person with an income of $900 a month through CPD. And because of my illness my brain and body totally shut down. So my wife was now caregiver for me, my now six year old son, plus our now four year old daughter; who at one years old was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy. Again a second life altering diagnosis that we had to face, in an already struggling family.
We lived in St.John’s as long has we could until we were forced into bankruptcy and lost everything we had. And on top of all this chaos, struggle and stress, my wife still had to work in order to keep this already struggling family together.Because of all this financial ruin we were forced to move to Bay Roberts; to be closer to family for some support.
Now five years have passed, we are still fighting to hold the pieces together. I am doing much better but far from a functioning, normal human being. With all the hell my wife has encountered, she was diagnosed now with severe anxiety and depression. Thus she was forced by her doctors to take a leave; no human human being could survive the amount of stress that she is under and still function in a classroom of 28 children and not have a breaking point.
Its certainly true that in our society today it takes two incomes for a normal family to survive. We are far from “NORMAL”. Lisa’s income just does not cut it. With Lauren’s needs alone we require one income, to support her needs. Thus far we have had to depend on family, fundraising and various charities. This financial burden should not be placed on others. it’s not their responsibility to do so. And it’s not our lifestyle to be constantly looking for money from family and the general public, they have done enough. Now it’s time for the Government to step in. Lauren is a child that requires much needed treatment, equipment and care; for which we get no assistance. She deserves better! Now what are you going to do about it?
Break Down Some Walls
I finally got a chance to sit down for a few minutes and ponder what I may share with you today. I quickly scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed and stopped at a message that reiterated what I’ve been saying all along. And that being, stigma is still so prevalent in our society today. That being the negative, discriminating and prejudice way our society still label persons with a mental illness and put all mental disorders in the same group.
The lady was responding to the horrific shooting in Las Vegas: 58 killed and over 515 injured! I would certainly agree that this was an act of evil indeed. But she made the statement that blew my mind (no pun intended); “how can so many people with mental health issues get these kinds of guns that kill such a crowd of people so quickly”. Ephesians 6:12 came to mind; “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” No where do I see here any reference to mental health. I had no choice but to respond; me being ‘a person with a mental health issue’ and being an advocate for Mental Illness. I could not let this one go. And I will share my response, I may sound a little annoyed and upset; well I was. In 2017 I would hope to expect better, silly me. So I responded with; ” I really don’t know how to respond to your ignorant statement. Do you believe honestly that it’s only people with a mental illness that can do such an act? Mental illness and evil are not one and the same. I have a mental illness and I was disturbed by your statement. It’s this mentality that build walls of stigma that is so unjustly placed on mental illness. I will keep you in my prayers, that God will open your narrow mindedness’. Sorry but that’s me, call it like it is; if it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck; then it’s a duck!
Now maybe I’m a little harsh or a little sensitive to comments that refer negatively to mentally ill persons. but if I made a comment for example like;” All diabetics are fat”. That would be so not true, some maybe but not all and also would be very rude to even say it. So, that would be like saying that all criminal action is only done by people that are mentally ill. So therefore all you “perfectly, normal people out there would never commit a crime”. So not true! For one thing there is no such thing has normal, we would all want to think we are. Who can define what normal is anyway? Google doesn’t even do it justly, “conforming to a standard, usual, typical or expected”. Very vague and broad in my opinion. So let’s not be quick to judge anyone has being normal or mentally ill. There is no one perfect, especially when it comes to the brain, I think we are all a little mentally ill in one way or another lol.
There’s certainly a lot of talk about mental health awareness, but are people really “getting it”? I feel I am just has “normal” has the next person. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am breaking down the walls of stigma one person at a time. I am not expecting to change the world but I am and will do my part to make my voice heard, right where I am; in my part of the world.
This past weekend I was guest speaker at the “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”. I was overwhelmed with gratitude in the way the audience interacted with me; which made for an amazing discussion and learning experience for us all. I am so thankful for the opportunity to speak with others who totally ‘get it’. A road to healing for everyone that attended, has I shared my journey with mental illness.
It was also my honor and privilege to be guest speaker on the television program; ‘Heart Matters’ on NTV. A great venue to tell my story and help others who are dealing with mental illness. It certainly provided a greater exposure to the hushed topic of mental illness. Little did I realize who my listening audience really were. And I didn’t realize until Monday night when I got a call from our Member of the House of Assembly: Ms Pam Parsons. She saw my story and was hoping that I would be willing to tell it in a session at the House of Assembly, upon the approval of a request to do so. It’s funny how life presents itself, I would never think in a million years that I would be given this awesome opportunity to tell my story at a Government level. I was a little discouraged that what I had and needed to say was not falling on the ears of people who had the power to make a difference and make some change. I prayed that God would open the doors so I could do just that. So sometimes we have to be careful of what we pray for; it just might come true. And thank God for me it did.
So if the walls of stigma are going to come down, even a little, I will say I have done my part. What others think of mental ill persons has to change and speaking out, educating and taking action is what’s needed in our society today. So, let’s all do our part and support each other. We will break down some walls!
Guest Speaker, Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit
Recently I was asked to be guest speaker at a “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”, presented by; Safety On The Rock and The Splash Center. Of course I accepted and the response was astounding. Helping others with mental illness through education, talking about it and being proactive. This is an excerpt from that speech.
My story is just that; my story. I cannot speak for others but this is my experience with mental illness. And I do not profess to have all the answers, just a lot of insight. Everyone’s experience is different. So I speak for myself, this is my journey….
I suffered from mental illness all my life. My first mental breakdown was when I was only sixteen years old, I am now fifty two. Back then you were said to have ‘bad nerves’ and you went into seclusion and lived in shame. Nobody really knew how to deal with this illness or if it even was an illness. Not even the medical field, especially living in outport Newfoundland. I was taken to the doctor only to be told there was nothing they could do because they did not prescribe antidepressants to teenagers. So I was sent home to fight this battle, this monster, all by myself and fight I did. I felt so helpless, hopeless and alone.
I fought this battlefield of the mind until I was able to be prescribed medication and I found they worked for me fairly well. From that time on, until five years ago, I have always been on one drug or another and lived a fairly normal, functioning life. I owned and operated my own business for 28 years. So you can have a mental illness and still remain high functioning, we just have to work a little harder at being okay.
But five years ago I experienced the worse relapse of my life. It was this relapse that totally rendered me non functioning and totally disabled. I experienced a total shut down of my brain and physical body. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder. My symptoms were so severe that I was closely monitored for dementia. I was not responding to any treatments including cocktails of antidepressants, hospitalization, ECT electro convulsive therapy and anything that would help improvement. It was confirmed that I was treatment resistant and I was loosing hope and getting worse.
Because of my illness and being unemployed, we lost everything we had and had to move to Bay Roberts to be closer to family for support. With all the change that had taken place in my life; it only exasperated my illness to a point where I hit rock bottom, I could not go down any further. Nothing left but flesh and bones, no will to live, I just wanted to die. That was about two years ago now and I have fought to get to where I am today. I am doing much better, I still struggle everyday but not to the extent that I was.
Mental illness is one of the most misunderstood, complicated, shameful, stigmatized and complex illnesses of all times. The brain is the most complex organ of the body, thus the most difficult to treat. Even today there is still so much that is not known about the brain and its many disorders. Dr. Mario Garrett Ph.D stated in Psychology Today, “Our brain is the most complex machine that ever existed.”
According to the World Health Organization, ‘350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. It is a leading cause of disability”. Every year close to 800,000 people take their own life. Which is one person every 40 seconds. Mental Health is in a crisis and its time for us to open our eyes and start talking about this epidemic. Not just talk but let’s “do” something about it.
Its my opinion that Newfoundland and Labrador is so far behind the rest of the world in treating mental illness. When we come to a point when the only alternative for treatment is “out of province” then there’s something wrong. And also I would like to say here that one of the most effective ways to tear down the walls of stigma is to literally rid this Province of the most stigmatized building in Newfoundland and Labrador, that being, The Waterford Hospital. The building screams stigma; often referred to has the loonie bin, the nut house, the mental etc. The building is so old and dilapidated, that it’s walls have a ghostly aura. The question I ask you today is; if your child’s school was in such a dilapidated condition; would you send your child there? Then I ask you why would you send your loved one to such an horrible and disgusting environment has the Waterford. It’s time for the Government to turn it’s attention to one of the most important and neglected issues facing our province today.
I hold the Government responsible for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities. What we need is a new hospital that gives us hope; without hope we will never heal. We need a hospital with an environment that says, “Welcome, you are safe here, we are going to give you the help and support that you deserve”. Is that what the Waterford Hospital offers? NO! Right now every mentally ill patient is cramped into an overcrowded room or wing. When what is needed for someone dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc.; is to be placed on wings or rooms of the hospital that are less anxiety provoking; where patients are dealing with the same or similar issues. And other severe mental illnesses placed in a safe environment for them, based on the severity of their illness, not on wherever a bed is available. It doesn’t make sense herding all illnesses/disorders onto the same ward. You wouldn’t put a cardiac patient on a maternity ward, so why would you put someone with depression on a psychosis ward? Your diagnosis should determine where you are placed in the hospital. So with my experience has a mentally ill patient, I have seen and undergone many demeaning, frightening and inhumane situations.
I have since become an advocate for mental illness. It’s my goal to break down the walls of stigma one person at a time. And to be a voice for those who suffer in silence. We have nothing to be ashamed of. I have a broken mind, no different then if I had diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, kidney failure, etc. Things go wrong with any organ in your body and your brain is no different. It’s just the way society looks at this illness in a negative and stigmatized way but a lot of that has to do with lack of education and ignorance of not knowing. And the only way to break down the walls of stigma is through education and speaking out. And that’s why I’m here today. If I could give you my illness for just one moment; you would look at mental illness in an whole new light. And the walls of stigma would come down.
I believe we have been too quiet for too long. So let’s start talking!
There is hope! Never give up! You can beat this one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Now let’s get out there and break down some walls! 