Month: July 2017

Posted on

How Do You Get That Lonely


Just came across this song today by Blaine Larsen- How Do I Get That Lonely? To have written a song such as this, he must have experienced in one way or another the magnitude of the lyrics of this song and it’s topic. It’s so amazing how he wrote about suicide but never once mentioned the word itself. It is so well written that I was impressed upon to write it in a blog because I can totally relate to the songs questions because I know what it’s like to get that lonely. (Not saying I have all the answers pertaining to this illness).

Getting to this point doesn’t happen overnight. And no one is to blame. But inside your head, there is something quite not right, something as gone terribly wrong. It stops working to a point where you cannot reason or your ability to concentrate and focus is distorted. Nothing makes sense anymore. Having no life at all is better than the life you have.Your distorted thinking convinces you; your life is worthless and everyone would be better off without you. You are so exhausted from fighting this battlefield in your mind, that you just can’t fight anymore.

The hurt you feel is beyond description, the torment never ends. What can stop this nightmare, how can I escape? Your options are running out. The medical field is a must at this point. I prayed with every drug, cocktail of drugs, various therapy, ECT, acupuncture; that I would find some relief, that God would intervene and provide a way of escape.

The loneliness and isolation you felt was beyond words. You could be in a room filled with the best of friends but you felt all alone and just wanted to run.

The emptiness you felt was overflowing. A body with no soul. A life with no hope. You prayed to an empty God; a God that did not hear or feel. But this is so far from the truth. Because standing somewhere in the shadows, He was there and that’s why I am still here today. To tell others of the horrific and unexplainable torture of this illness.

So, to end this hellish existence, one reaches a point of no alternative but to join the angels in the sky and spread their wings and fly. It is my belief (and this is my right) that the God of mercy, love, and grace embraces them in His arms of peace and eternal comfort. Now finally free of the hell on earth but present with the Lord.

I can try to explain the alarming epidemic of suicide in Canada and the World today but I think the statistics speak for themselves. “In 2009 there were 3,890 suicides in Canada’. According to the World Health Organization, “Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. Around one person every 40 seconds”. In 2015 there were an estimated 788,000 suicide deaths worldwide”. In 2017 this statistic is growing at an alarming rate and will only keep growing. Open your eyes people, it won’t always be someone else’s family.

How do you get that lonely?
How do you get that bad?
How do you feel so empty?
How do you get that lonely….and nobody knows.
I pray that God will now use my mended but scarred mind to help put back to pieces, the lives of others.

Posted on

When Your Perfect Life Isn’t So Perfect

You have this perfect life planned for yourself; the perfect career, the perfect spouse, the perfect children, the perfect bank account, the perfect house and at least two cars, the perfect circle of friends and then the perfect retirement. My greatest lesson in life is, that life doesn’t always go as we planned. There’s a 99.9% chance you are living in a fantasy land and if you have attained this “perfect” life; you must be living in a bubble.

But let me speak today to those who live in the real world. Your life didn’t go exactly as you planned, maybe not even close. But because you didn’t get that perfect life doesn’t mean you can’t live an happy and fulfilling life. John 16:33(NIV) “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world”. Jesus knew that we would all, no exceptions, no respect of persons; have to face many hardships, disappointments, discouragements, failures, mistakes, loss, etc. No matter what we are facing today, God loves us and cares about what happens to us. He is right by our side; Hebrews 13:5 (NIV) “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

Today we are facing one of the biggest trials of our lives. The fate of our lives is literally in someone else’s hands and there’s not a thing we can do about it but wait. I never dreamed we would end up in such a dead end. It’s even harder to put on an happy face and pretend that everything is ok, when in reality, deep down inside; we know it’s not. But I have no choice but to put my trust in a God that cannot fail (And in all honesty that is a very hard thing to do). It’s like your life “lies in the balance”. It can go either way. But I have to believe that God; He knows what He’s doing.

I’m telling this in hopes that I can help someone else who are dealing with their own struggles, you have reached a dead end and you don’t know where else to turn. Then turn to the one who knows what He’s doing. He knows best, He knows the plans He has for us. So let’s trust and believe together. There is nothing that God cannot do; He is the God of the impossible. So if we think we are at a dead end and there is no hope left, then think again! God loves us so much, that He gave His only Son to die for us, to die for me, to die for you. It doesn’t matter what you have done, where you’ve been, how broken you are; GOD LOVES YOU!

If you are thinking, “man all I need is another preacher”. Well sorry, I’m certainly not a preacher but I speak from my heart, my soul, from my life experiences and I tell you there have been many. I have been broken many times, at a dead end many times, so I have been there. I know what I’m talking about, I have lived it. But be
encouraged, we can overcome; we are more then conquerors, Romans 8:31-39
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Posted on

Finding the Light

After several visits to my physcritrist, after my latest severe relapse about 5 years ago; he started talking about filling out the papers to apply for Canada Pension Disability. What was he talking about? This is a doctor not a social worker. Why would I be needing that anyways? Give me a few months and I’d be back on my feet, as good as new. But he knew the difference, he knew my history and knew the severity of this breakdown. I would not be going back to work anytime soon, if ever.

You talk about panic sitting in, like the waves of the ocean come flowing over me. This is not the case, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about I thought. But now five years later and still not back to work; I guess he did know what he was talking about. Why couldn’t he be wrong, just this once; for my sake, for my families sake?

If there ever was a time when I needed to work; it would be now. With two children and my wife off work on sick leave. But knowing in my mind that this would be the last thing I could do on this earth. As bad as I want to and need to, I would not be able to.

So the question remains; which could change my life tremendously is; is there a cure for my illness, major depression and anxiety disorder? I am now speaking for myself and my diagnosis (not for anyone else because everyone’s illness is different. In reality there is no cure for my illness. Looking at my outward appearance at present, one would think that I am in full recovery. Oh I wish that were the case. There is nothing I would pray for more (other then Lauren’s healing) than to be fully recovered. But people look at me and say, “but you look so good”. And I say, “thank-you” but what you see is not what you get. For on the inside my struggle, my war still rages; on a lesser scale but none the less, still there.

I will compare my illness to that of a diabetic. You have diabetes, you keep it under control, but there is no cure. You maintain your levels on a day to day basis. So it is with my illness, I take it one day at a time and that’s all I can ask for. Dr Douglas Bloch, well known author and psychiatrist says this,”Depression is a relapsing condition, we cannot cure it but we can manage the symptoms”.

Just as with other genetic transferred illnesses, mine was passed on to me at birth. I always knew from a young age, that there was something not right. That’s why at sixteen I had a mental breakdown and suffered other relapses throughout my lifetime. I don’t remember too many times when I was not on an antidepressant. It plagued me my whole life. It was like taming a lion, sometimes it would settle down but other times it came forth in full fury.

So, for now I have to keep my symptoms under control. And watch for warning signs such as; loss of appetite, disruption in sleep patterns, feelings like you are losing control, withdrawing or isolating from others and feelings of hopelessness. If these start to surface than I know something’s wrong.

I wish I didn’t have to be honest and real about my illness; I wish I could paint a prettier picture and say, yes there is a cure but I believe that would be like saying,”there’s a cure for cancer”. Truth to be told, in the recesses of my mind loomes the ugly reality of this disease. If you are one of the lucky ones who feel have beaten or cured from this illness, then I am happy for you; very happy! But for the majority of us we have to accept the fact that this illness is not going away totally. Just like my heart disease, mitral valve prolapse; ain’t going away. Or Lauren’s cerebral palsy; ain’t going away. But without a miraculous healing, we will live life above our illness and not be defined by them. Lauren is a typical four year old little girl who has dreams and aspirations just like any other little girl. Maybe with a few more challenges and obstacles, she will rise above it and “shine her light.”
i

And has with my own illness, I will rise above it and shine the light. Amidst all the stigma, misinformed persons, people with “perfect” mental health, people who have all the answers, an illness that is so misunderstood and unexplainable; I will be the light for others. After all the blogs I’ve written, I feel I have only scratched the surface. We will find a cure, we will find the light.

By accepting the fact that there is no cure for my illness, doesn’t mean that I have given up or given in to this illness or have loss all hope. It just means I am not in denial anymore, it is what it is. Just like someone having cancer, you don’t want to believe it or accept it but in the process you finally realize the harsh truth and reality. We never loose hope, no matter what the diagnosis or prognosis. The energy and strength we put into fighting the reality of our illness, we can now put into fighting the illness itself. And that’s when the light starts to shine, glimmers of hope, a speckle of light at the end of the tunnel, it’s then we find “the light”.

Posted on

“Before God Intervenes”

With so much going on in our lives, we often have to stop and wonder; where is God in all of this? Why can’t God just intervene right now, we know He can, and not wait until the midnight hour? We have certainly been at the midnight hour more than I wish to remember. Times when things looked so bleak, so hopeless and no light at the end of the tunnel. And I am just not referring to my own illness but many other ills that have come our way. Dare I question God and ask, “When will you intervene, when will you calm the raging storms?”

God’s intervention is not always on our timing but His perfect timing, so that glory can be brought to His name. God sees the whole picture, the perfect plan for our lives. Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways”, declares the Lord. “As the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts”. So what God see’s for us may not be what we think is for us. His thoughts and ways are much greater than anything we can imagine. That’s why we have to trust in His perfect timing and will for our lives. Not always easy to do, and this is where our faith comes in to play. Believing and trusting in the God of the impossible.

My wife (Lisa) had a post on Facebook a few days ago and it sum’s up so perfectly God’s timing and intervention in our lives. And I wanted to share it with you, with her permission:
Before God intervened, He allowed;
-David to stand before Goliath
-Abraham to have Isaac lain across a sacrificial altar.
-the three Hebrew young men to be thrown into the fiery furnace.
-Daniel to spend the night in the den with starving, threatening lions.
-Lazarus to die
But then…..
He proved Himself….
I think the point is that while we sometimes think that God should, and will, step into our lives and fix the ills immediately, it appears that God sometimes wait until the midnight hour to intervene.
With that knowledge in mind, Oh for the trust, faith and courage of David, Abraham, Shadrach, Meshach, Abed-nego, Daniel and Lazarus; to believe that God’s intervention will happen just at the perfect time! Amen…
Lisa

I was also enlightened with Sunday morning’s sermon. A verse from Isaiah 45:7 which says,”I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster: I, the Lord, do all these things”. I don’t ever remember this verse speaking to me before but on Sunday morning it did. What it spoke to me was, and this is my opinion; that God is in control of all things, whether they be good or bad. But He is God in control and I have to submit my will to Him. And trust no matter what the circumstance, what mountain I’m climbing, what storm I’m in; God is in control.

With all of lives ills we wonder why we have to wait. Noah spent 370 days on the Ark, why wait? Abraham and Sarah waited 25+ years before Isaac was born. Sarah was 90 years old when Isaac was conceived, why wait? Moses led the Israelites from Egypt to Canaan, a 11-day journey; but took them 40 years, why the wait? Lazarus was dead for four days; was Jesus too late? Never! It was all in God’s perfect time, perfect will and perfect plan.

So, you see, no matter what your circumstance is today; you may see no way out. God will intervene! I’m believing for myself, my family, my Mom today who is in constant physical pain (to Mom; God as not forgotten you, He will intervene and take away your pain, I’m believing for you. This is my act of faith.), friends and all those today who are in the depths of despair and feel like they’re drowning; God will intervene and calm your storm. May we all just “Wait” on Him and know that we are not alone, HE WILL INTERVENE! Just wait and see.

Posted on

EXHAUSTED

“I’M EXHAUSTED FROM TRYING TO BE STRONGER THAN I FEEL”. Saw this quote on facebook and thought this really sums up what someone feels like who is suffering from mental illness. Let’s be honest; I think we have all felt this way somewhere in our lives. Mental illness or no mental illness; we are all human. Christian or no Christian; none are exempt from feeling exhausted from trying to be stronger than we feel. Life has a tendency to catch up with us and sort of sucks the life out of us. Maybe age can do that too but we are all in denial of getting older, lol.

My mood disorder (major depression and anxiety) as certainly exhausted the life out of me. There is no tired like mental fatigue. It just drains you to the point of not just wanting to lie down and rest but to literally give up. My mornings are exhausting, not from physical work, but from my mental fatigue. You would think that mornings would be the best part of my day. I wish, but that’s not working too well for me. My serotonin levels are really low in the morning; on a scale of 1-10(1-9 really; there is no perfect 10), I would be a 3. But gradually as the day progresses I become a little better. On a good day, maybe a 7. You may be thinking, sorry buddy; I have no idea what you’re talking about. Well in reality, whether you know it or not; there is no one with perfect mental health. That’s why it’s called “cloud 9” and not cloud 10; there’s no one on that scale of the perfect 10.

But everyday I push myself to my limits; what choice do I have? I am fighting desperately to keep us all together. The demands of raising two children in a world that is so filled with the pressures of being the best parent you can be and sometimes that can push you to your limits. From providing the best name brands, latest in technology, highest achievers in school and in extra curricular activities. The pressures sometimes make you feel you are in a pressure cooker about to explode. But perform I must, in spite of my illness. But I know and realize that all those “pressures” aren’t the most important things in raising your children. I believe teaching them that they are unconditionally loved, teaching them good morals, respect for others, to be confident in themselves, to be the best they can be and that God loves them; no matter what.Those are the most important values to instill in your child, to give them an happy and fulfilled life. So when we look at life in this way, the pressure is released and we don’t have to feel exhausted and the demands of raising children doesn’t feel so overwhelming.

I think from time to time we all feel exhausted from trying to be stronger than we feel. Whether that’s from work related exhaustion, everyday demands, raising children (especially a child with a disability) or just plain everyday. Life requires energy and sometimes our fuel tank is down on empty. But I still believe that I have to look to my Heavenly Father for the strength I need to be stronger because He promised us to wait on Him and He would renew our strength for each day. Don’t be afraid to ask, “We have not, because we ask not”.