It’s that time of year when God takes out His paintbrush and paints the most beautiful, vibrant colors of Fall. It’s even difficult for a picture or painting to even capture the real beauty that He as created. It’s best viewed with the naked eye, the beauty of nature in it’s purist form. Some may look at Fall as a season of dying; the leaves are fading, they fall and they die. But without this season of dying, we would not experience the season of new life, new beginnings, new growth; Spring. Just as there are four seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer, in our yearly cycle. There are many seasons of our life; birth, new life, death, dying, happy, sad. But all make up the cycle of life and we all experience each one at some point in our lives.
Having a mental illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) sometimes feels like you are stuck in one season of your life forever and that season doesn’t change. The season of sadness, grief, loss, hopelessness and despair. It’s a season of nearly complete darkness, there’s very little light, the sun seldom shines and when it does, it is filtered by the clouds. I have experienced this season many times in my life and most days I have to fight to find the light, fight to see the sunshine, just fight, fight every day.
Most days my only reprieve or escape is sleep. But even then, my sleep is so disturbed that it’s like I’m not sleeping at all and I awake exhausted. This week as been one of my better weeks I’ve had in months. There’s been mornings when I awake and I realize that I slept fairly well and that awful dreaded feeling is not there. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in months. I’m praying that God will give me more of these mornings. Mornings when I don’t have to force myself out of bed but mornings that I want to get out, there’s nothing I want anymore for myself then to just feel ‘normal’. When nothing is forced, it just comes naturally, life doesn’t appear to be impossible to live, the every day tasks of life doesn’t overwhelm me to a point of panic. That’s all I ask, nothing more.
I am so thankful today for the support that I have , some living far away, especially my family who I know have always held me close to their hearts, even when we are separated by distance. And I know I’ve probably caused them so much worry and concern but that’s what sickness does. And I can’t apologize for that because if I could take away this illness, I would in an heartbeat. And then there are friends that God as placed in my life, friends that I have not met by chance but by divine intervention. They have helped me through some very dark places and today I’m still here because of their support. My mental illness as strained my relationship with my wife and children. It can destroy the best of marriages and steal the best of times with your children. But I have worked so hard to be aware, to be conscious of the damaging effects this illness can have on us. So I have fought, with what I have and with all that is within me to be the best that I can be. And sometimes maybe I have fallen short, but it’s not because I haven’t tried and I’m sure all of us are guilty at times of not reaching the mark.
I was encouraged this morning by a message I received ( and I won’t mention any names, but you know who you are) and I won’t repeat the message because it was met for my ears. But I will share my response because I believe it came directly from my heart. It was a God moment! And my message said, “Thanks for your encouraging words. When you have lived a lifetime with a mental illness, It beats you down to a point where you feel you are nothing and can do nothing. But I KNOW that God doesn’t make nobodies, He makes somebodies! And I’m a somebody because of Him. And my talent is a gift from Him and I give Him all the praise and thanks. And I also thank Him because I have such supportive people in my life like you! Love you! And thanks!” When you have a mental illness it is imperative that you have a support system. It’s one illness that isolates you and makes you feel you are all alone in an overpopulated world. But with support and encouragement from family and friends, you can make it through any season of your life. I am living proof.
So no matter what season of life you may be in at this present moment; just know that seasons change, they do not last forever. If you are in the bitter cold of winter, spring is just around the corner; if you just wait and see!
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