Month: July 2023

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Where Is God In All This Suffering?

Ever since our return from Montreal, after Lauren’s surgery, I have experienced an overwhelming sense of depression that I can’t seem to shake. Depression is so disabling, so cruel, so unexplainable, so isolating. But yet I have suffered so many years with this crippling disorder. So often I have asked the question. “Where is God in all this suffering?” In this blog I’d like to answer this question to the best of my ability, to try and make sense to suffering. Especially when it comes to such a loving God.

To begin with I need to clarify that I don’t have the answer, not really, I can’t speak for God; God is all knowing, He is omniscient. Who am I? I am mortal – I am subject to death. I am not equal to God, God is sovereign; He is supreme, He has power over all things. Isaiah 55:8-9 sums it up best, “For  my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Therefore I can only speak about what my own thoughts and experiences are when it comes to this subject.

With my own illness I could never understand what good could come of this. It done more harm than good from what I could see. And then there was so much in this world that I couldn’t understand. For example, world hunger, wars, earthquakes, floods, poverty, homelessness, cancer, disease, suicide, the loss of a child, the death of a spouse and the list could go on. Was God the blame or the answer to all of this chaos and unfairness? I think we need to remember that we live in a fallen world, and we experience the effects of the fall. One of those effects is injustice and seemingly senseless suffering and unfairness. But as Christians we know that in this life we will have suffering and experience pain. John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.” But also we must remember that this life is not the end but the beginning of everlasting life for those who believe. Revelation 21;4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’

Sometimes I just have to remember that I don’t always have to know the why to my suffering. Sometimes I just have to trust and let God do the rest. Romans 8:18&28, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him.”

There is one thing I have learned in all this suffering is that it has allowed me to help others who are experiencing similar situations. 2 Corinthians 1;3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles/’sufferings’, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

I hope I have in some small way helped you to better understand why we sometimes suffer and experience loss. God definitely comforts us in our pain, suffering and loss. Hebrews 4:15 “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Again God says in 2 Kings 20:5 “I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears.” So when we are in the midst of despair, grief, pain and loneliness; God sees us, God hears us, God loves us!

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When Life Gets Tough

The morning arrives as I sit on my bed with my thoughts. Not always a good place for me to be; alone with my thoughts. In reality, I do have a lot to think about, to process, life is tough. Sometimes I wonder where the strength comes from, it’s certainly not my own, if it were I would have given up a long time ago. But I have to believe there is someone greater then I am, someone who watches over us, especially in the storm, especially in the tough times.

I feel I have to reiterate some of the storms that we have encountered and are still experiencing to this present day. I don’t share this for no other reason then to encourage those who are experiencing their own tough times and to show us just how resilient we really are. Even in times when we think we are going to crumble beneath the load. “We can do ALL things through Him who strengthens us.” And that is the extent of my preaching, enough said, that verse from Philippians 4:13 says it all.

The morning began with me feeling totally exhausted, not just tired but exhausted. Life has certainly sucked every ounce of energy from my body it seems. And it seemed that there was no amount of sleep that could alleviate my exhaustion. Then to add “insult to injury”, I started to scroll down through Facebook, big mistake in the best of times. Facebook can be a blessing at times but then it can also be a curse. And this morning it lead me down a path that I should not have taken. Not that I am envious or jealous but all I saw were everyone enjoying summer, travelling, leisure, relaxing, etc. Really the way summer should be. But I wasn’t feeling it. How could I when we were experiencing the complete opposite? And no I am not throwing a ‘pity party’, I am saying it like it is, it’s our reality. We have experienced more sickness, uncertainty, struggles and hardships then I care to remember. I have certainly been forced to look to God to try and make sense of it all, to find the purpose. And believe you me, I had to look deep. Trying to find the light in the darkness, the calm in the storm. In my human thinking I could make no sense of anything. Why was Lauren born with Cerebral Palsy? Why did I have to struggle every day with a depressive disorder? Why did Lisa have to endure four life threatening experiences? Why did life have to be so tough? Why? Why? Why?

The whys are just too many today and there are going to be days like that for all of us I’m sure. In my finite mind and my mortal being I will probably never know all the answers to life’s whys. The song says, “We’ll talk it over in the by and by. I’ll ask the reasons, He’ll tell me why, when we talk it over in the by and by.”

So I guess I will trust and wait. 1 Cor. 15:53 “For this corruptible must put on incorruption and this mortal must put on immortality.” So on that day when Christ returns, we shall be changed and then I won’t need to ask the reason why, this mortal will become immortal and we shall be like Him. So if you have questions that you have no answers to, trust that He knows and we will to on His return. 1 Thess. 4:16-17 “For the Lord Himself will come down from Heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. What an amazing hope that we have.

I said I wasn’t going to preach and I am not really, I am not a preacher. I am someone who finds much hope, peace and encouragement in the promises of Jesus. It is what gives me the strength to go on; even when life gets tough.

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Lauren’s Continuing Journey

July 3, 2023. Yesterday was quite the busy day but a successful one. Lauren’s Fundraiser Market may have been a lot of work but I think it was worth it. Sometimes you do what you have to do in order to make it. It was pretty exhausting just the same, especially having to leave for Montreal the next morning. But here we are, boarded our plane, waiting for takeoff.

Lauren’s journey begins. It was only a few weeks ago that we were in Montreal for Lauren’s trial surgery for her baclofen pump, which was quite successful. So now we are going back to have the pump permanently placed inside her abdomen. It’s bitter sweet really, we hate having to put her through yet another surgery but we know that this surgery will give her a better quality of life, less pain, less spasticity and better function overall.

The journey itself; from getting here to there, is very difficult on all of us. But I guess you do what you have to do, it’s not like we have a choice and really we would do whatever it takes to protect both our children. So it’s, Montreal here we come, for about the millionth time it seems.

July 6,2023. Here we are sitting in the waiting room of The Sick Kids Hospital in Montreal. Lauren just went into the OR for what’s to be a 3 hrs and twenty minutes surgery. The worry, anxiety and a million different emotions run through your mind. There are no words to really describe how you feel, you just wait.

It’s 12:50 pm, Dr Farmer just returned from the OR and came to the waiting room to speak to us. You literally freeze for a moment in time. The surgery went well and he was very pleased. What a relief! Now we are waiting for her to get settled into recovery and then we can see her. Needless to say, we can’t wait.

My cellphone notifies me of a text. It’s the recovery room, telling us that Lauren is now ready to see us. She’s still asleep when we get there. Only a few minutes later and she starts to move her eyes and she’s awake! Oh my, I wish I could trade places with her; I would. So hard to watch her lying flat on her back once again. But she really is a trooper; courageous and brave, a warrior princess for sure. So now the next leg of her journey begins…..

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My Mental Health Update

It seems like forever since I wrote about my mental health/illness/disorder. I guess that there’s so much else going on that there as been little time to write. But today I’m sitting on a flight to Montreal with not much else to do. So I guess this time gives me the opportunity to do a little mental health update.

Most days I must say are fairly well, I have certainly improved since moving to CBS. Not that life as gotten any easier but I think I’m at a different stage of my recovery. Notice I said, ‘recovery’ not cure. I know my diagnosis is a chronic, clinical depression and anxiety disorder to which there is no cure. By recovery I am referring to a more functioning level whereby I am in more control of my illness then it is in control of me. I guess you could say the tables have turned to some degree. This has certainly not happened overnight but over months of hard work, therapy and self discipline. I have had to work intensely in every area of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and psychologically. Finding a balance in life and not forgetting about my own self care. Sometimes in our lives we forget to take care of ourselves when we are so busy taking care of everyone else. This is not at all being selfish but realizing that in order to take care of others we have to take care of ourselves first.

It was probably about a year since I had a panic attack, what I would call a full blown panic attack; the kind that frightens you to death. It happened on our last trip to Montreal, during Lauren’s trial baclofen surgery. I was abruptly awakened from my sleep at about 5am by shear panic, the kind that puts you into a fight or flight response and I was in flight mode. I just wanted to run but run where I had no idea. I tried to talk myself through it but it was not working, which only made the attack to escalate. I knew I had to do something and fast, so I jumped into a cold shower. And believe it or not, it really did redirect my thoughts and reduced my panic tremendously. But thankfully I have not had another one since that night. And that’s the scary thing about panic attacks; you never know when one can strike and how long it can last.

Right now I am so thankful that I am doing as well as I am. And I will take what I can get and enjoy the good days to the fullest, live in the moment as best I can, the past is gone and the future is not here.