The year 2018 was anything but celebratory. Every day that I opened my eyes; I had to force myself to move. Everyday I fought a war from within, a war that no one else saw, a battle from within. Happiness didn’t find me naturally, I had to fight to just be okay. This thing called depression as left me angry, ashamed, guilty and exhausted. One thing I will be and that is real, it is what it is; ugly!
I cannot paint a beautiful picture for you of my life being easy, relaxed and carefree; that would not be the truth. There were no truer words spoken then when the Apostle John said, ‘In this world you will have trouble'(John 16:33). And we as a family has had more then our share. There were times when we wondered if we would ever survive it and we are certainly not out of danger yet. I have to believe in the promises of God, even on the days when I don’t feel God at all.
There were many days in 2018 that I did not feel the presence of God. But I have learned from my experiences that I cannot live by the way I feel but I have to live by what I know. And I know that God promised to walk with me, to uphold me. In Isaiah 41:10 He tells me, ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.
Then there’s the chorus we sing, ‘Because He lives, I can face tomorrow…all fear is gone’. There were and are days I could not sing this song truthfully. There were days when fear gripped my very being and I had to remind myself over and over again that He holds my future. But because of my depression and anxiety my brain could not retain that information and allow me to live a fearless life. So I am trying everyday to live by what I know, not what I feel.
Because I could not feel God over the past several years, my mind tried to convince me that God was nowhere near me; I was forsaken. But that is not the truth, that is not what I ‘know’. Hebrews 13:5 ‘….I will never leave you, nor forsake you’. I have to hold fast to these promises even in my darkest days.
Then there were days when I felt so ashamed and guilty. I questioned myself, why am I feeling this way, if I’m professing to be a Christian, then I should not have these thoughts or feelings. But then I thought, if I had any other illness, besides a mental one, would I be feeling the same way? If I had diabetes for example, would I be questioning my relationship with God? I don’ think so! I would look at it as an illness and that my pancreas wasn’t producing enough insulin for my body, so I would need to take medication to regulate my insulin levels. But because I have a mental illness, I am supposed to look at it differently. When really my brain is not creating enough serotonin, which is a neurotransmitter that contributes to the feeling of well-being and happiness. It has nothing to do with my relationship with God. God promised to walk ‘with us’ through our difficult times, not to remove us from them. Although I have depression and anxiety, in spite of this, I can still love God for who He is, not because of the way I feel. I can still serve God with depression just the same as if I had diabetes. There is no difference. Thanks be to God!
Prior to Christmas, I started my own YouTube channel called, ‘Walter On Da Line’. I felt again it was a way to deter my thoughts away from my illness to being funny. And I felt it was another great form of therapy and I was really enjoying it. But then, just to show you how powerful and controlling depression can be; I got up one morning and my depression had moved in and suffocated my ‘funny’. I could not produce a video of ‘Walter’ if my life depended on it and up to this day I still can’t. But I’m praying that with time and some space, I’ll be able to do it again.
Depression is so powerful and debilitating, that at times it makes life so unbearable. But I live in hope that one day I will be well again. But until then I will keep fighting, hoping that my strength will not fail. I pray that 2019 will be filled with hope, happiness, peace and good health for us all.