Tag: illness

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My Recovering Journey of Faith

I am a recovering mentally ill person; no I didn’t say I was a recovered mentally ill person.  Just like an alcoholic can never say, “I am recovered, but I am a recovering alcoholic”. I believe the same is true for someone who has a medically diagnosed mental disorder. I can never say I was fully recovered, yes there were times when I was fully, functioning, ‘normal’ person but my illness has been a lifetime journey. It’s almost like you go into remission, but for me, I had many relaspes throughout my lifetime. Some mild, some severe and some in between. But all a fighting battle.

This recovering journey is never linear.. What I mean by that is my symptoms and mood are never on a straight plain. It’s more like a roller coaster, there are many ups and downs, you are never on a level plain. Some days you could be doing fairly well and others you could be ready to jump out of your skin. Just last week my illness overwhelmed me with feelings of exhaustion and my brain was overcrowded with unwanted thoughts that I had no control over. But today I’m feeling a little more empowered and start my uphill climb once again.

This journey is rarely a walk in the park, it’s more like climbing Mount Everest. Some days you are weak has a rat and more days you feel like you can climb; one step at a time. But the encouraging thing is; you are moving, even if it is in baby steps. It’s like the saying, ‘You can eat an elephant, one mouthful at a time.’ And so you can climb this “Mountain of Depression and Anxiety”, one footstep at a time. If you are reading this and you are saying, ‘but I can’t do this anymore, I am just too exhausted.’ Trust me; “YOU CAN”! You are stronger then you think.

Where is my strength coming from, where is your strength going to come from? I remember when I had my last relapse; I searched for healing, my wellness, my escape from this hellish disease from without. I was searching for someone or something to “make” me better. But that never happened, I was at a dead end, I had tried EVERYTHING. But it wasn’t until I searched within myself that I found a strength that I didn’t know existed. But I still take it one day at a time, that’s all we have. Yesterday is gone (so don’t dwell on it) and we are not promised tomorrow (so don’t worry about it). Live in the moment, it’s what we have.

My treatment/therapy now consist of medication (which I know is crucial to my mental health), learning to accept my limitations (my new normal), having structure in my day (a routine), limiting stress as much as I can (sometimes that’s hard to do given my life circumstances), always having a ‘project’ (painting, cleaning, reading, singing, etc.) and one of my favorite of all is; writing my blogs (amazing therapy). All of these elements help me cope with each day and creates a sense of who I am. I am NOT my illness, there is so much more to me then my disorder; so I refuse to be defined by depression and anxiety.

After so many years of searching for the truth of who I really am; I believe I have finally found it. There is so much more to us and to me then this physical and mental body. There is a spiritual component that we have to tap into to find real strength, real courage, and the real you, the real me. And I believe this can only come from an omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful), and omnipresent (everywhere present) spiritual power. And there is only one person I know that possesses all three; God Our Father. He has been and still is my greatest source of strength and peace. On days when I was at my lowest, He was and is still my greatest source of stability, my rock, and my hope.

So you see, my recovering journey of faith, starts by placing my entire life into His hands. That’s hard to do because I thought I could do it on my own, what a joke that was. There are some things in life that we have no control over and have to be left with God, He is in control. So now I put my total trust and confidence in someone who is greater then I am. It sure takes a load off me and makes my journey a little easier.

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This Recovering Mental Illness

J                                                       The day is almost over, night settles in bringing with it it’s darkness. But the day was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and bitter coldness. The week itself felt like the Battle of Armageddon. Along with all the everyday battles and struggles, my war was raging on the inside. I’m not referring to a spiritual war; evil against good, but a war between sad and happy, abnormal and normal, unfulfilled and fulfilled, worthless and worthy, hopeless and hopeful. Where do I stop, when will it stop?

When my doctor told me, almost six years ago, that I had an incurable illness, a long uphill climb and the likelihood of returning to work was a long  way down the road. I thought he was nuts (no pun intended). He told me to apply for Canada Pension Disability. Why would I need to do that, I’ll be better in a couple of months? I guess I have to swallow my pride once again and  admit that he was right and I was way off base. Because after the week that I just endured, I realize this ugly disease still ravishes my mind and body and can attack at any moment; even after six years.

Trying to accept the reality of what is, overwhelms me like a raging tsunami. I feel like the Israelites who wandered in  the desert for forty years and not unlike the Israelites, I probably do my share of questioning, grumbling and complaining. Why God have you brought me into this desert to die? I am still searching for that purpose, that reason why I am where I am at this stage in my life. This is so far from my plans (our plans). I would have never said in a million years.

But who am I? Why not me? There are no respect of persons. It rains on the just and the unjust. I just feel there are holes in my umbrella and I’m soaking wet. I long for the rain to hold up and the sun to break through the clouds. His grace is sufficient for me, or is it? There are days I have my doubts but that’s not His fault. This road sure isn’t perfectly straight and flat but many are the twists, turns and pot holes. I just pray everyday that He’ll guide us over this road of life and one day will bring us safely to our destination.

I guess after suffering and fighting this illness for so long, when I still have bad days or weeks; still makes me nervous. I should be better by now, is my wishful thinking. But my illness was very serious and therefore more complex the recovery and that doesn’t happen overnight. I was hoping by now that my recovery would be more advanced, that I would be further along on my healing journey. But I have no control over what will be, I only hope for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

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The Aftermath of my Depression and Anxiety

It’s ironic how I wrote this blog; I wrote the content before I wrote the opening paragraph. That’s me, never do things the normal  way, just being my unique self. The main thing is, I still get the job done. This being a chronic disorder, I still have to face each day has if I’m climbing a mountain. It takes hard work, perseverance and stamina. But you do what you have to do in order to survive.

Nighttime comes and I and I anticipate my escape from my thoughts and feelings, just maybe sleep will give me some reprieve. I do sleep fairly well, thanks to mirtazaphine , but my dreams/nightmares are frightening and tormenting. Just last night, I was on a locked down physc ward and trying to escape; but there was no way out. Because of the trauma I experienced during that period of my illness, seems to haunt me even to this day. I guess it’s my biggest fear that those days will return. I try not to live in fear but deep down in my subconscious, that fear at times resurfaces. I do trust and pray that God will spare me the horrific trauma of ever having to relive that nightmare.

Morning arrives and the first thing I have to do is to debrief myself; that those dreams and nightmares are just that, they are not real. But none the less they are a constant reminder of my past living hell, that will try to follow me through my day. I guess I am still experiencing a lot of post traumatic thoughts that I just can’t turn on or shut off. But I just pray that God will one day allow me to forget.

After debriefing is done and I desperately try to move past it; I am faced with the thoughts of how am I going to face the day with my limited strength and focus. My head is in a fog. The day seems so overwhelming and I feel so powerless over it, it’s then I go to my knees and ask God once again, for the thousandth time, to give me strength, purpose and wisdom. Even when I have days when I feel I can’t do this anymore, and I do have those days, then I believe God moves in and carries me.

Do I believe my illness has made me weak? Well sometimes I do think that but then that still small voice tells me; you are strong. If I were weak I would have given up a long time ago. Society taught us has men, that if we show our emotions then we must be weak; that is so far from the truth. It does show that we have compassion, humbleness and a caring spirit.  And to those who have succumbed to this illness, I am most certainly not saying they are weak but the pain of their illness was just too unbearable. If I were weak (by society’s standards), I would have given up a long time ago. But I pray that God will give me “continued” strength for everyday that lies ahead. Because in our little family we have so many uncertainties, unknowns and fears. But we will conquer  them one day, one hour, one minute at a time, through the strength of our Heavenly Father. Because there are days when you wonder how you are going to keep going, but you just do! What choice do we have?

One of the biggest adjustments still to this day is performing a task, a task that before just came natural and you didn’t even have to think about it; you just did it. But now that task seems so big, overwhelming and I have to over rationalize it. It is still a work in progress and I believe one day will get easier. A good example would be, I’m singing in the Christmas Cantata. Now, I have been singing since I came out of the womb and absolutely love it, it’s my passion. But now it comes with much fear, thoughts of; I can’t do it, I’m not good enough, inadequate and the list goes on. I have to do much mind control and self talk to override those negative thoughts. None the less, it takes much hard work to perform any task and that can be just exhausting. My day is only half done and fatigue overwhelms me. So I do what I can, just on a lower scale and try not to take on more than I can handle.

Have you ever had a task to do and you had to go to the next room in the house to do it and by the time you got there, you forgot what the task was? Well that’s the story of my life now. Just the other day I was supposed to be returning the water jug to the refrigerator and when I realized it, I had the coffee pot; now that’s scary. Because of my disorder, it’s my brain that’s affected, thus my memory and train of thought are/was highly affected. Now whether that’s from the medication, ECT treatments or aftershocks of the disorder; I’m not quite sure what the cause is. Maybe all of the above. Whatever the case, I cannot trust to my memory anymore, if there’s something I need to remember, I have to write it down.  If I have a speaking engagement, I have to write it down; I cannot trust my mind. Then there are times when I’m in the middle of a conversation and I just loose my train of thought. This happens too frequently and becomes a little bothersome. Maybe I need to eat more bananas, they’re supposed to be brain food.

So you see, even after all this time, I still have to fight this dreaded disorder. But I am so thankful for my improvement and believing that with each day will come renewed strength. It’s because of this hope that I can face each new day, despite my disturbed feelings of depression and anxiety.                                                       

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“Some” Days (Not All) Just Suck!

  1. Have you ever dragged yourself out of bed, put your feet to the floor and think; can I do this again today? I have, lots of mornings, not that my life is so bad but mentally and physically tired and drained that I just don’t know if I can. But then I give myself my little pep talk and start my routine all over again. And then being thankful at the same time that I can get out of bed. What I wouldn’t give for my little girl to be able to get out of bed and walk, now that puts things into perspective. There’s no wonder my head is spinning out of control. Yet here I am trying to make sense of it all.

 

Let me just give you a sense of where I am. To begin with, I have this amazing disorder. O yes, I know I have come a long way but guess what, I still have this illness. I have to get up every morning and even in my sleep, in my dreams; this illness still haunts me. But I move, refocus and redirect my thoughts. I am still amazed at the number of people who still don’t understand or probably don’t even want to understand this illness. They look at me and say, “o, you’re better now?” I wish I could say ‘yes’ but for some of us who suffer this misunderstood disease, this doesn’t go away ( Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder). We don’t get up one morning and say, “O, I’m better”. I have , so thankfully, improved to a point where I now can manage this illness much better.  So now it’s all about management and keeping the momentum going. It seems I cannot let my guard down for a moment. Having structure and routine in my day is probably one of the best ways I have found to manage my illness. Does this all make sense? Not at all, everyday is a new day and with each day comes new obstacles, challenges, hopes and highs and lows.

 

I play the part very well, I can’t  always wear my heart on my sleeve. For one thing, we live in a “me society” where people only portray the “best life ever syndrome”. Where they have two faces; one for public viewing and the other for private viewing. I’ve also noticed on Facebook; people have a tendency to paint their life has a perfect picture. But in reality, that’s not always the case. You know me by now, say it like it is; some days just suck! I can get up and have the best intentions of having the best day ever, then before the day is over my intentions are long gone. But of course I never give up, tomorrow is going to be better!

 

To best explain what I’m trying to say, it’s best compare it to an alcoholic or a drug addict. An alcoholic will never say I’m recovered but I’m a recovering alcoholic; you are never totally recovered. Has with a drug addict; you are never a recovered addict but you are a recovering addict. Meaning it’s a continuous process, one day at a time. You learn to manage your illness/addiction,the same is to be said for my illness, “I will always be recovering.” One of the best ways to understand my mental illness and it’s recovery is to compare it to diabetes. A diabetic has to maintain, control and manage their blood sugar levels, in the same way I have to maintain, control and manage my mental health. I have learned how to manage my illness rather then always trying to cure it; there is no cure. That’s not to sound hopeless or pessimistic but to be real and truthful.  I believe my healing began when I gave up trying to find a cure but rather accepting my illness for what it is; a recurring, relapsing condition that I have to manage with medical  help, self-help and spiritual help.

 

So if you’re there and thinking to yourself, “I can’t do this anymore.” I’m here to tell you, “Yes you can.” Every day won’t suck, you will (and I do) have good days again. We just have to work a little harder than others who don’t have this illness, at being okay. When I had my last relapse; I honestly thought I would never see the light of day again. But today I do see the light, some days are going to be a little foggy but we can get through them. So chin up, shoulders back, you can do this!

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When God Says, “NO”!

I have prayed many prayers and of course expected a yes answer; in His time. But what if my answer was a “No”. This thought came to me today, well if God doesn’t want  to answer my prayer with a yes. What then?  How do I  react, what are my feelings toward God; will I be angry, disturbed or even become bitter. Would I question God and say, “why not”?  Did God say no in the bible to prayer request? I really don’t know the answer to those questions. So it’s my quest for this blog to search for the answers and share my findings with you. So let’s begin our journey.

Let’s start by looking at our earthly father. Did my Dad always answer yes to all my request? Not really because he would always say, “ask your mother’. And of course Mom had no trouble saying no when necessary. Looking back now, I really see that no wasn’t always a bad thing. No was for our own good, for our protection, safety and well being. It didn’t mean they loved us any less but sometimes a no answer was a, “because I love you so much answer”. So I believe there is a great parallel between my earthly father and my Heavenly Father. When God sometimes says, no, it’s because He has a greater yes in store for me/us.

Let’s explore the Bible and search for times when God said, no, to His people. In 1 Chronicles 28:3, God said no to David. ‘God said to me, “David told his people, “You shall NOT build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood”. But in his parting words, David chose to focus on what God had allowed him to do. Rather than wallowing in self- pity or bitterness regarding his unfulfilled dream, David praised God with a grateful heart. O may I learn  from David and have a grateful heart. Right now, that’s not exactly  where I am but through my weakness, I will find my way and gratitude will come.

The Bible says, “If we ask anything according to HIS WILL….we have what we asked of Him (1 John 5:14-15). This verse tells me there will be “no” answers, if what we are praying for is not His will. Here we must trust that God knows what He’s doing and sometimes in our human flesh we may be outside the will of God. “thy will be done on earth has it is in Heaven”.

The apostle Paul, author of most of the New Testament, begged God three times to remove a thorn in his flesh and God said, “no” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). God had a greater purpose in mind, far above what Paul could ever imagine.

Then  one of the greatest “no” answers to a prayer was Jesus himself. When He prayed to His Heavenly Father, the night before He died on the cross, that He would rid Him of His suffering and God said “NO” (Mark 14:32-42). If God  hadn’t told Jesus no, we would have never had the opportunity of salvation!

Now on a more personal level, I have prayed to God countless times and  got a “no” answer. That can sometimes leave us angry, we question God and ask God, “why not?” It can make us feel that God is not listening to us or doesn’t care. But none of that is true. God loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). God has our best interest at heart, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). The song says, ” My HOPE is built on nothing less, then Jesus blood and righteousness”.

When my Dad was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer, my world was forever changed. My Dad was a man of great faith and if faith had anything to do with being healed, then he would certainly have been healed. But God’s answer was “no”. I couldn’t understand; weeks later he passed away. But he left me with the greatest answer to my question of why God says “NO”. On his death bed he had an amazing attitude and trust in God. For he said,”I cannot loose, either way I will win. I will be healed or if not, I will still win because I will go to my home in Heaven that God has prepared for those who love and serve Him. Through Jesus dying on the cross, He had taken away the sting of death. “Where, o death, is your victory? Where , o death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:55-57). So even when God said “no”, Dad still won and was victorious through our Lord Jesus.

With my own illness, I have sought God’s  healing numerous times but because He hasn’t healed me completely, doesn’t mean that His healing hasn’t taken place in my life and for that I am grateful. And with Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy I have often wondered ; where’s the fairness? What’s the purpose? I have more questions than answers for our lives’ struggles. But there’s one thing I’ve learned and that is, I could never do this in my own strength. I lean every day on Him, for He said in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities (boast in my weaknesses), that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

So I guess God does not always answer our prayers with a yes. And I’m sure that is for the best; God knows what he’s doing. In our finite minds we cannot see the big picture. I’m learning everyday to put my trust and faith in Him, especially when He says, “No”! And when He does I have to realize that it’s for my good, it’s not to hurt me or that He loves me any less. So sometimes when we feel our prayers go unanswered, God is listening always. In His time, in His way, He will answer!

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Discouragement or Courage

All day yesterday I was overwhelmed with discouragement. No matter how busy I made myself , in order to distract my mind from going there or how many times I asked God to take it away; it didn’t matter. I was just discouraged and I couldn’t run away from it. It was exactly how I was feeling and nothing could change it. The word kept popping up all day.

Then I thought, well just what is discouragement? So of course, I went and done what we all do when we need to find something out; I googled it! The meaning it gave was; “a loss of confidence or enthusiasm”. Well that’s not far from the truth of how I was feeling. But all day this word plagued my thoughts and feelings. Until night came and hoping sleep would be my way of escape.

Well morning came, I was up at the crack of dawn, everyone still sleeping.So thought I would shower and prepare for another day. While I was showering I began to think of the challenging day I had before and decided I had to find some good in my discouragement. Then there it was; right in the center of that word, was the word COURAGE. So off I go to visit google again. Google defined courage as ‘the ability to do something that frightens one’. That was so true, looking back over the past day; I made it through because I had courage. I moved on inspite of it, I would not let it stop me. Just like I found light in the darkness; I found courage in discouragement.

Let me just fill you in on some of the reasons I was feeling so discouraged. Just to let you know it’s ok to sometimes feel this way; life has a tendency to sometimes overwhelm us with discouragement. When there is so much going on in our lives that is not all positive.

We just returned from Halifax, where Lauren did a program called, Conductive Education. A program that Lauren responded so well to and was reaping the benefits. It is the exact program that Lauren requires if she is going to have the hope of walking or some form of mobility. But I realized yesterday that in order for Lauren to benefit from this program fully, she needs to consistently engage in the program. And we know that’s not possible, so it is easy to become discouraged; when you want the best for your child and I can’t seem to see how she is going to get it. But I still have to believe in my heart that God will provide a way. So yes, I was discouraged and I don’t apologize for being human.

This story is not in my notes but I just felt it needs to be told. While we were in Halifax, we met a friend of ours for supper one evening. Lisa took Lauren in to the washroom to change her and while Lauren was lying on the change table, she was gazing at an opposite wall. The conversation went like:
Lauren: There’s Jesus!
Lisa: Where??
Lauren: Over there on the wall!
Lisa looked to see a beautiful wall mural of two cherubs. Wanting to figure out exactly what Lauren meant, she asked: And what’s Jesus doing?
Lauren: He’s praying; for me to walk…
I have no idea how she could come up with this all on her own; she is only four years old. My faith waivers but oh to have the faith of a child. So when we got back home, we went to church on Sunday morning. I was holding Lauren in my arms and the call was made for anyone who had a need to come forward. So has a step of faith, once again, me with a broken heart, brought my little angel to the Lord for healing. That healing didn’t happen that morning, so again I was so discouraged. But I will continue to wait and not loose hope. Healing will come in some form; in God’s time and in God’s way.

I was discouraged because I realize that my illness is not going away. On a lower scale; it’s something I guess I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I just got tired of dealing with my broken mind. But that’s ok; I know some days are going to be worse than others. I just have to find the courage to not give up, when discouragement fills my every being.

My inability to not be able to work overcrowded my mind. I realize we need the money so desperately and I am unable to provide. At a time in our lives when we need income so badly. I thought I had come to terms with long term disability but in all honesty, I don’t think I ever will. It still haunts my fragile mind. But I will still hope and find courage in my discouragement.

I could go on but I won’t; you get the picture. So today I will find, somehow, courage to overcome my discouragement. I will find courage inspite of it all. Today is a new day and I have courage to face it, even if it scares me to death. I WILL FIND COURAGE IN MY DISCOURAGEMENT!!!

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I Know A Man Who Can!

I have written numerous blogs before, but none as important, open and personal has what this one is. I will bear my soul because I believe that’s what you need to hear and see. We are not defined by our education, ethnicity, culture, our career, or our family. What defines us, is our soul; “the spiritual part of a human being”. We all have one,whether we believe we do or not doesn’t matter. We have a soul, deep down within us.

Our soul is that space within us that is always searching, always longing. Forever empty if not filled by the one who created us in the first place. Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb”. My illness lead me to this inmost search. Not a search for earthly meaning but a much deeper search and longing for God. That search didn’t find me instantaneously healed but led me to a deeper, inmost filling of God. I had to separate and come to realize that my illness had nothing to do with my soul. I was not fighting a spiritual battle, but because I was so sick and finding no hope of ever recovering. That no human being or earthly matter could make me well; then I had to turn my search inward rather then without.

It’s when we turn inward that we find the true meaning of life and take our focus off things that really don’t matter. I now realize that there is more to life then my illness, I can live inspite of it. My life doesn’t depend on what I have, what I do, where I go or what I feel. My life depends on what I have within; my love, my compassion, my humbleness and selflessness. If I had a Phd education, it would not make me any happier or change my illness. If I had a multi million dollar bank account; would not change my illness and make me well. If I had all the possessions that money could buy, it would still not bring me happiness or health.

So now I realize I have to build my life on something more solid, something more secure. I had to return to the one who created me, who promised in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,”declares the Lord,”plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I don’t know what those plans are and right now I am scared to death of the future but I know and trust that He knows what He’s doing.

Our lives right now are filled with so much uncertainty and turmoil. My own illness fills our lives with so much insecurity and fear, that for the most of us, we would have given up a long time ago. The stress and conflict that mental illness brings into our marriage and family life can easily tear us apart. But we are struggling to stay together. Then there’s the awesome care, uncertainty, overwhelming responsibility of Lauren with her cerebral palsy. So much that people, unless they have a child with a disability, can never imagine the sacrifices one had to make. Lauren requires 24/7 care and this we, for the most part, provide ourselves. We do sacrifice each other because one of us as to sleep with Lauren every night for various reasons pertaining to her safety, comfort and care. So it is very difficult/impossible for us to spend time together as a couple. I am not complaining but stating the reality of what is. Then we try to provide for Logan a “normal life” and to protect him as much as possible from the circumstances around him, which are far from normal. And lastly, Lisa as had to leave work because of the heavy load that she carries everyday. It has affected her health in a detrimental way; that she can no longer work.

I don’t tell this for no other reason then to help someone else, that are going through similar circumstances in their lives. It is amazing what we can face in life and still survive. But no man, humanly possible could do this alone or find the answers in this world but I know a Man who can! And that’s how we have survived thus far. When we felt there was no one that could help us, we needed someone more than a human hand. That’s when we were forced to look elsewhere, we tried everything else and life was out of hand. We turned to the Man who can;

“I can’t take a heart that’s broken
Make it over again
But I know a Man who can

Some call Him Savior,
the Redeemer of all men
I call Him Jesus
For He’s my dearest friend.

If you feel no one can help you
And your life is out of hand
Well, I know a man who can”.

So now every morning I go to my heavenly “Father” and rely on His strength to get me through the day. For He promised me in Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint”

That’s where my strength comes from! I don’t apologize for being too open and I am so privileged to be able to introduce you to the man who can!

Afterthought:
Many may say, how can you say that God is with you, when He hasn’t healed you and you still struggle every day? It doesn’t matter, I’m better off with God in this storm, then I am without Him and being in this storm alone. He’s still in my ship. God is still God no matter what we are going through, He’s in control! All I have to do is trust!