All day yesterday I was overwhelmed with discouragement. No matter how busy I made myself , in order to distract my mind from going there or how many times I asked God to take it away; it didn’t matter. I was just discouraged and I couldn’t run away from it. It was exactly how I was feeling and nothing could change it. The word kept popping up all day.
Then I thought, well just what is discouragement? So of course, I went and done what we all do when we need to find something out; I googled it! The meaning it gave was; “a loss of confidence or enthusiasm”. Well that’s not far from the truth of how I was feeling. But all day this word plagued my thoughts and feelings. Until night came and hoping sleep would be my way of escape.
Well morning came, I was up at the crack of dawn, everyone still sleeping.So thought I would shower and prepare for another day. While I was showering I began to think of the challenging day I had before and decided I had to find some good in my discouragement. Then there it was; right in the center of that word, was the word COURAGE. So off I go to visit google again. Google defined courage as ‘the ability to do something that frightens one’. That was so true, looking back over the past day; I made it through because I had courage. I moved on inspite of it, I would not let it stop me. Just like I found light in the darkness; I found courage in discouragement.
Let me just fill you in on some of the reasons I was feeling so discouraged. Just to let you know it’s ok to sometimes feel this way; life has a tendency to sometimes overwhelm us with discouragement. When there is so much going on in our lives that is not all positive.
We just returned from Halifax, where Lauren did a program called, Conductive Education. A program that Lauren responded so well to and was reaping the benefits. It is the exact program that Lauren requires if she is going to have the hope of walking or some form of mobility. But I realized yesterday that in order for Lauren to benefit from this program fully, she needs to consistently engage in the program. And we know that’s not possible, so it is easy to become discouraged; when you want the best for your child and I can’t seem to see how she is going to get it. But I still have to believe in my heart that God will provide a way. So yes, I was discouraged and I don’t apologize for being human.
This story is not in my notes but I just felt it needs to be told. While we were in Halifax, we met a friend of ours for supper one evening. Lisa took Lauren in to the washroom to change her and while Lauren was lying on the change table, she was gazing at an opposite wall. The conversation went like:
Lauren: There’s Jesus!
Lisa: Where??
Lauren: Over there on the wall!
Lisa looked to see a beautiful wall mural of two cherubs. Wanting to figure out exactly what Lauren meant, she asked: And what’s Jesus doing?
Lauren: He’s praying; for me to walk…
I have no idea how she could come up with this all on her own; she is only four years old. My faith waivers but oh to have the faith of a child. So when we got back home, we went to church on Sunday morning. I was holding Lauren in my arms and the call was made for anyone who had a need to come forward. So has a step of faith, once again, me with a broken heart, brought my little angel to the Lord for healing. That healing didn’t happen that morning, so again I was so discouraged. But I will continue to wait and not loose hope. Healing will come in some form; in God’s time and in God’s way.
I was discouraged because I realize that my illness is not going away. On a lower scale; it’s something I guess I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I just got tired of dealing with my broken mind. But that’s ok; I know some days are going to be worse than others. I just have to find the courage to not give up, when discouragement fills my every being.
My inability to not be able to work overcrowded my mind. I realize we need the money so desperately and I am unable to provide. At a time in our lives when we need income so badly. I thought I had come to terms with long term disability but in all honesty, I don’t think I ever will. It still haunts my fragile mind. But I will still hope and find courage in my discouragement.
I could go on but I won’t; you get the picture. So today I will find, somehow, courage to overcome my discouragement. I will find courage inspite of it all. Today is a new day and I have courage to face it, even if it scares me to death. I WILL FIND COURAGE IN MY DISCOURAGEMENT!!!