Life can be great! I had a successful business for 28 years, a loving wife, a beautiful home, a precious baby boy. However, despite this, four years ago I was diagnosed with a mental illnessMy diagnosis is clinical depression and major anxiety. I was told there was no cure, our lives would be forever changed. Now I have a disability; not a physical one, confined to a wheelchair, but a mental one; locked inside my head.
It’s robbed me of who I am and I fight every day to get “me” back; it changes who you are. At the acute stage of my illness, which I remember little about, Lisa(my wife) described me as a “walking corpse” ,a mind in constant torment. Statistics show that Lisa and I are in a minority because most marriages don’t survive my illness. It’s here I have to thank Lisa for sticking by me; many wives would not have. Thus far we have survived, with many struggles and opstacles, and try to do our best to keep us together and that’s an everyday challenge. Statistics also show that one person every 40 seconds commits suicide due to depression. I think it’s time that we, as a society have to end the stigma and begin talking about this illness as just that; an illness.And see the person; not the illness itself, because that person is still there somewhere; just locked inside; struggling to get out. Lots of times, I felt there was no hope, no help, and no way back; just a black hole. And when someone gets to this point it’s then they feel the only way to end the pain and free their caregivers of their burden, is to hope for peace through suicide. It is not our place to judge, for it is only God has that right, and only God knows our hearts innermost thoughts.
Thankfully, I was never suicidal, boarderline, but I have had many days when I was so sick that I just wanted to die. I prayed to God to just let me die and end this hellish existence. But I am still here and for that, I am forever greatful; because things could be so different.
In the first years of my illness I spent most of my time asleep, I could not function. There was no drug or cocktail of drugs, that would eleviate my symptoms. I was so zombie-like that I was closely monitored for dementia. A lot of my symptoms pointed in that direction. But it was later determined that it was not dementia, but the severity of my depression. When all drugs failed my last resort was ECT; electro convulsive therapy. This is where your brain is shocked with an electric current to induce a grandma seizure, hoping to reboot your brain. After seven treatments I was only getting worse, to a point where they had to end the treatments. I am not saying that ECT is not effective, because for others it can be a miracle working treatment, that can bring someone out of their severe depression. But again for me Iwas at another dead end. I can’t imagine the fear, frustration, hopelessness and helplessness that my wife and family must have felt at this time. The medical fieldwas baffled and had used up every possible resource to help me get back my life. This cycle of trial and error continued for another year.
Even in despair God continued to bless us. Our precious Lauren was born amidst all this chaos and turmoil, a ray of sunshine to brighten the darkness. However, on her first birthday Lauren was diagnosed with CP; cerebral palsy. Again we were faced with a life altering diagnosis; we were told by her doctor; she has big problems, he didn’t know if she would walk or talk, he didn’t know how much she could see. She had a long road ahead of her and it was time to call on family support. Knowing we were going to need all the support we could get to get us through this devastating and life changing ordeal. We fell apart, how could this be happening with everything else we were dealing with? God where are you? God why? So many questions, so few answers. I couldn’t understand why God would entrust this little child to me, a family already struggling to take care of themselves. Now here I was with this awesome responsibility to raise a child with special needs. I felt so inadequate, but I have to believe that God knows what He’s doing. That’s where my faith had to come into practice and at times my faith was so small.
Everyday brought new challenges as in my weakness I tried to help strengthen our little girl and be a good Daddy to both Logan and Lauren. All day everyday, I pushed myself to my limits.
Right now mornings are the hardest, that’s when your serotonin levels are the lowest. I have to train my brain to realize that this will pass and my day will get a little brighter. I am, and was, like someone who had brain surgery or a stroke and have to learn how to do life tasks all over again; it’s been a long journey. From learning how to wash dishes, to zippering my coat, to going into a store or any public place. Any normal everyday tasks that just come naturally to do; for me seemed unsurmountable.
You see your brain is no different then any other organ in the body.The difference is the stigma that society has put on this illness. I am no different then someone with diabetes, hypertension, liver disease, kidney failure, heart attack,etc.Things can go wrong with your brain just like something can go wrong with your heart. But society has put mental illness in a category all by itself and that’s not where it belongs. It’s my hope, and that’s why I speak and talk about my illness, that one day the stigma will end and people with mental illness will feel free to talk about it openly and not have to hide in shame. This is not an illness of weakness, but of strength. I have come so far but my battle is not over. I speak for all those who struggle with this disease, who don’t have a voice, I want to speak for them. Also to those who have lost their battle with this illness and have found peace with the Angels.
I have questioned God so many times on “WHY” I could be such an effective father, husband, provider, and friend without this illness. But God as not taken this away from me. So every morning I have to pray to God that He will see me through the day because, if He doesn’t, I just won’t make it, I can’t fight this battle alone. And I believe He is walking beside me, even when I find it hard to put one foot in front of the other. Like the Apostle Paul who had “a thorn in the flesh”. He asked God to remove it but God said, “No”. I have a greater purpose, a greater plan for you. I pray that’s what God has in store for me; that there will be some beauty come out of all this ugliness. That He will take this “Broken Mind” and put it back together for His glory.
Each day I have to rely on what “I Know” not what “I Feel”. Because I have days when I feel God has forsaken me. But I KNOW that He said,’ I will NEVER leave you, nor forsake you’. And I have to believe that He is true to His Word. And I am not alone and He is with me always.
My healing is not instantaneous. I just know that a supernatural power is at work within me to bring me from where I was; to where I am today. From a walking corpse; to a walking miracle. I still fight my demons everyday but I am so much improved from those zombie-like days to now.
My miracle is that I can get out of bed. My miracle didn’t happen when and how I wanted it to happen but miracles are all around me. I just have to stop and see them through God’s eyes. So for now it’s one day at a time and I try to live in the moment trusting God will take care of the rest. I now have to look at what I have left, not what I have lost!
Again, like Paul, in Philippians 3:14, ‘I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus’.
My Family and I appreciate all the prayers and support we have. We will continue to depend on the strength that comes from God for the days ahead. The unknown future is terrifying, if not placed into the hands of an all knowing God! I am trusting God for continued strength and restoration for every day that lies ahead.
You are the strongest person I know!! Love you
Thanks Ruth, you are so encouraging. Sure wish I felt strong but I guess I must be to have survived this far. God as been my Rock, even when I didn’t feel Him, I knew by faith that he was there. My life as certainly taken on a new normal, I’m now a stay at home Dad; and that was and is a big adjustment. I couldn’t see how I could do it. A few weeks ago I was making the beds and with tears flowing down my face I began to talk to God and question, How did it all come to this? I was overwhelmed and right out of the blue He spoke to me (no I’m not hearing voices lol) and said, ‘But I’ll Hold Your Hand”