Tag: Mental illness

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MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

This is the written copy of my presentation I did at the CBS Salvation Army Church on Sunday, May 5, 2024.

My name is Harris Tucker and I have a mental illness! Yes I said it, I have a mental illness. It’s a topic that is seldom talked about. For many reasons; it is highly stigmatized, very much misunderstood, discriminatory, ignorance as in not knowing, shameful and isolating. So therefore people with mental illness, suffer in silence. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have and I will talk about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing.

 

My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at: www.harrislisa72.com, where I frequently blog my journey. And also my book; Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime of Mental Illness. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my diagnosis, my life and my experience with, “Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder”.

 

I would like to read to you, ‘A Note From The Author’, contained in my book backgrounder:

“Beyond the Door” is a book like none other you will ever read. It leads you through my lifetime with mental illness, and a relapse that rendered me nothing less then a walking corpse; a body without a mind. After several years of medical help, I finally fought my way back to a somewhat functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog.It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. Nothing was hidden, nothing! If this book doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more. It will stir within you a desire to know more – more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

My book is available tonight in the foyer or online at: Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Book Depository and Amazon Kindle.

 

Let me begin by saying, I am not a doctor,psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist; nor am I a professional in the field of psychiatry. What I am, is someone who has suffered from a mental illness all my life. My struggle with mental health began when I was just a child. I didn’t know then, but what I was struggling with was a mental illness. My lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge, and hands on life experience, that I would have never learned or gained otherwise; I had lived it and still do to this day. And so, I am someone who ‘gets it’; I understand, I’ve been there. I have survived this horrific disease and I am willing to share my journey with you. To help you better understand this illness, to educate, and by doing so, to tear down the walls of stigma that surround it.

 

The brain is said to be one of the most complex organs of the body and the disorders associated with it are equally as complex. And that is why mental illness is so misunderstood and so stigmatized. It certainly ‘is not’ a choice as some may think. The medical field and the scientific community have yet to come to a universal agreement on the nature and cause of depression. But the general consensus is that depression is a medical condition, an illness; not a personal failure, a weakness or a spiritual battle, as many may still think today.

 

Let me explain in a nutshell what I have come to understand about my illness. Our brain chemicals, or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain good mental health. The neurotransmitters, that affect how we feel, are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much, or not enough, of these chemicals then our mental well being is greatly affected and thus, we suffer depression and other mental disorders. A great comparison to help us understand this disorder is to compare it to diabetes. When a person suffers from diabetes, it often means that their pancreas is not producing enough insulin to regulate their blood sugar levels, and therefore, have to take insulin to regulate normal sugar levels. Likewise, someone suffering from depression may need to take medication, such as SSRIs, to increase serotonin levels in the brain. When we are educated to what a mental illness is, then it leaves no room for stigmatization or misunderstanding. It is what it is; an illness!

 

Before I share my personal journey with my own mental illness, let me share with you some very alarming statistics, according to Global Mental Health Statistics.

  1. 970 million people around the world struggle with some form of mental illness.
  2. 1 in 4 people will be affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives. So please do not think you will never be affected, or someone you love. Its much like saying, you will never get cancer. No one is exempt! And because you are a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t suffer from depression and other mental disorders.
  3. Approximately 8 million deaths each year are attributed to mental disorders.
  4. More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year worldwide.

 

Now let’s bring that home to Canada.

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association:

  1. Mental illness indirectly affects ALL Canadians at some time; either through their own experience, or that of a family member, friend or colleague.
  2. 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental health problem or illness.
  3. Every year, approximately 4500 people in Canada die by suicide, which is equivalent to 12 people dying by suicide every day.
  4. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between 15-34 years of age.

 

In our own province of NL suicide numbers are up by 25% in 2021, according to numbers from the province’s Chief Medical Exhaminer. NL suicide rates have tripled since the 1980’s, among the highest in Canada.

Sad to say, but the suicide rate is increasing every day and will continue to increase. One alarming fact about mental illness is that many turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain; this only adds to the problem; it does not solve it. And this, in turn, only exacerbates the drug and alcohol crisis that we are facing today.

 

And I Begin….

MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

My whole life has been plagued with a mental illness.I cannot remember, in my adult life, not being prescribed an antidepressant medication. You see, I experienced my first mental breakdown when I was just sixteen years of age. At that time there was no help, medication was not approved for anyone under the age of 18. So, I was sent home by my doctor to battle this monster, and survive was all I could do. I wasn’t living, I was existing, I was surviving. This continued until I was eighteen and then I was prescribed antidepressants which helped to bring me back to a functioning level. Medication does work; it may not be a cure, but it surely helped me to navigate through life. The years that lay ahead were not easy years, but I did live a high functioning life and operated my own business for 28 years. I basically lived a fairly normal life, while struggling with depression and anxiety but both were managed by medication, and kept me fairly well.

 

I went on to marry the love of my life, Lisa. And then 13 years later, we were blessed with our little boy, Logan. However, this didn’t mean my illness was gone. In 2012, when Logan was one year old, I experienced a mental breakdown like I had never experienced before. I was so mentally ill, my depression and anxiety was so severe, that I physically shut down. And this is what I want to emphasize; that depression is not just about being sad, anxiety is not just about being anxious.Mental illness affects every area of your life – both mentally and physically. I feel sometimes we have the tendency to minimize the extreme seriousness of this illness. When in fact this illness is the only illness known to man that one of it’s symptoms has the ability to take away your will to live. No other illness as that power! So if you remember nothing else I said tonight, please remember that!

 

At the acute stage of my illness I became totally non-functioning. I had a disability; not a physical one where I was confined to a wheelchair, but a mental one, locked inside my head.I don’t remember much about those days. I had lost a lot of my memory, to a point where I was monitored for dementia. Tasks that once came so easily were now impossible to do. I couldn’t use a cell phone; a computer was a foreign object, something that I feared. I would stand at the kitchen sink and not know how to wash the dishes. In fact, it got so bad, at one point, that I didn’t know how to zipper my coat. Lisa described me as a ‘walking corpse’; a mind in constant torment. THIS IS MENTAL ILLNESS!!

 

Many times, I felt there was no hope, no help and no way back; just a black hole. The medical profession had tried everything possible, from: cocktails of medication to electro convulsive therapy. Up to this point, I was deemed treatment resistant, as nothing was working! When someone reaches this point, and I was there, totally hopeless and ‘unable to reason’, that many often feel that the only way to end the pain, and free their love ones of their burden, is to hope for peace through suicide. It is not our place to judge, for only God has that right and only God knows our hearts, our innermost thoughts. Thankfully, I was never suicidal; borderline, yes. I’ve had many days, when I was so sick, that I just wanted to die, to escape this hellish existence. I prayed to God to let me die. I know of one occasion when Pastor White came to visit, and he told me after the fact, that when he left my house on this particular day; he said, ‘If God did not intervene, then next week I will be performing Harris’s funeral!’ But that wasn’t God’s plan for me! I’m still here!

 

Even in my despair, God continued to bless us. Our precious Lauren was born amid all this chaos and turmoil, only to be diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy on the day of her first birthday. You talk about the bottom falling out of our already shattered world. Again we were faced with yet another life-altering diagnosis. God, where are you? God, why? So many questions, so few answers. This is where my faith had to come into play, but at times, my faith was very small. Every day brought new challenges, as in my weakness, I tried to help strengthen our little girl and be a good Daddy to both Logan and Lauren. All day, everyday, I pushed myself to the limit. Normal everyday tasks, that came naturally to others, seemed insurmountable to me. But, I would not give up, so fight I did!

 

And, to this day I still struggle through every day; maybe not at the intensity of which I did but, I still struggle. We must realize that our brain is no different than any other organ in our body. I am no different than someone with diabetes hypertension, liver disease, heart disease, etc. Things can go wrong with the brain, just like something can go wrong with the heart. Miraculously, I have come so far, but my battle is far from over. I speak for all those who struggle with this disease. I intend to speak for those who don’t have a voice, as well as those who have succumbed to their battle with this illness. Every morning, I have to pray and ask God to see me through the day and , thankfully, He has been faithful!

 

When you suffer from a mental illness it is so easy to lose hope; in fact, to become totally hopeless, to be engulfed by darkness. So how can we help as a Church? What is our responsibility as a born again Christian? It certainly isn’t to pretend that mental illness doesn’t exist. Jesus has called us to be ‘Our Brother’s Keeper’, to be the Good Samaritan to someone else in need; to that someone that is struggling today.

 

We live in a hurting world, a world that’s filled with so much hate. A world that’s searching for something to fill that void, that emptiness. I have come to realize that, that space within us cannot be filled with anything that this world can offer; its empty lies.The only answer is a spiritual one, a supernatural power, that can only be found in Jesus and Jesus alone! We cannot do this on our own. I would never have been able to survive this battlefield of the mind, if it weren’t for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ!He understood me when no one else did. John 10:10 says, I am come that you may have life and have it more abundantly’. 2 Kings 20:5 ‘I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears’. I’ll be completely honest; I won’t give you false hope. I won’t tell you to bring it to Jesus and all your hurts, pain, sickness will go away. He can make that happen, but sometimes that’s not part of His plan; it’s not His will. What He does promise, is that no matter what, He will never leave us. Hebrews 13:5 ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’He will walk with us and, at times, He will carry us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, ‘When you pass through the waters (and you will), I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.’ And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life. I have always known that He was with me; I may not have always felt He was with me, but I knew beyond a doubt that He was and is with me! Because of this, I can say, with confidence, that He will do the same for you! There is HOPE!

 

What is your story?

 

 

 

 

 

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15 Truths About Depression That Everyone Should Understand

1. Depression is an illness, it’s not a choice! No one would ever ‘choose’ to be depressed.

2. You can’t ‘snap out of’ depression or it can’t be made better by thinking happy thoughts. It goes much deeper then that.

3. Depression can be a chronic illness that can last a lifetime. It’s referred to as Major depressive disorder or Clinical depression.

4. That it devastates and destroys lives.

5. That 99.99% of what you think you know about depression is wrong.

6. That ‘sometimes’ medication and/or therapy has very little effect; it’s called treatment resistant. Not unlike someone who is receiving chemo and it’s just not working.

7. But then there’s the other side of the coin, the longer you leave it untreated the worse it can become. There is no wait and see with depression; it doesn’t just disappear one day!

8. Another truth is that everything can be lost to depression. Jobs, relationships, hobbies, passions and sometimes even lives. Depression kills!

9. That just because someone you know that is depressed laughs and smiles, it doesn’t mean they aren’t depressed, see point five.

10. Another sad truth is that not everyone ‘gets it’, not many really. Some people can help you through it but others can make it worse. The one ultimate person you can depend on is yourself; you are stronger then you think.

11. That depression is not a once in a lifetime occurrence. Relapses can happen at any time, at any age.

12. That you can try to explain how you feel with depression a million times and you still won’t be understood.

13. That stigma and prejudice are very much alive and kicking. Sometimes in places you would least expect it.

14. Depression can make a person feel like their life is over and there is no point in living. And this is why suicide is so common with someone who suffers from depression.

15. Lastly, depression is not a spiritual battle but an illness. Spirituality and mental illness are not directly connected, contrary to what many may think.

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Fill My Cup

Today is one of those days when I feel like I’m running on empty. Just like a car, if we don’t refuel it, it will run out of gas and be of no use. So what do we do when our car is empty? We take it to the gas station and fill it up.

Well today I’m on empty, the challenges and responsibilities of life have left me empty. It seems there’s never a reprieve, a time when I can just breathe.

With Mom’s passing, time as not healed my wounds. It seems the more time passes the more I miss her and the reality hits me that she’s no longer with me. The telephone calls every day have ended, just hearing her voice is gone. So I call out to God; be my comfort today.

I’m guessing that most people wouldn’t admit to having a down day. And that’s okay, but for me I like to be real and by doing so to help others. We live in such a world that expects perfection, a ‘me’ society, a cookie cutter mentality of what we are supposed to feel, think and act. I guess I was never drawn into that way of thinking. I am who I am, nothing or no one more, just me. Sometimes maybe it would have been easier if I just went along with the status quo. But I didn’t always chose the path most travelled. Many times I made my own path, I found my own way.

Living with a mental illness can so easily drain you to a point of exhaustion. Every day is a struggle, some less then others. But lots of days I feel like I’m running on empty. Many days I just have to stop and refuel, to breathe.

And then there’s a caregivers life; that means 24/7, 365 days year. I’m not complaining; I would do it all over again if I had to. But I can’t say it’s an easy life, it’s tough, challenging, isolating and exhausting. I love Lauren more then life itself and that’s why I gave up my own life for her. But what I gained was far above anything I could ever imagine. John 15:13 says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends”(his daughter, his family).

So it’s those days when I’m running on empty, when it seems humanly impossible to keep going. But it’s those days that I have learned to look to an higher power. To a strength that is not my own, to a God that is in the driver’s seat of my car. I’ve been singing this song all morning and it sums up what I’m trying to say. The words of the song are “my” words, my prayer for today. He is faithful!

Like the woman at the well I was seeking, for things that could not satisfy. And then I heard my Saviour speaking, “Draw from My well that never shall run dry”.

Fill my cup, Lord. I lift it up, Lord. Come and quench this thirsting if my soul. Bread of Heaven, feed me ‘til I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.

There are millions in this world who are craving the pleasures, earthly things of gold. But none can match the wondrous treasure that I find in Jesus Christ my Lord.

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I Do The Best That I Can With What I Have!

After a long night of a torturous sleep, I awake with a head full of brain fog. It’s one of those nights when you are physically asleep but mentally your brain is going a mile a minute. Brain fog is characterized by confusion, forgetfulness, and a lack of focus and mental clarity. Mental exhaustion is by far more tiring then physical exhaustion; it affects how you maneuver through your life or should I say how you desperately try to live a ‘normal’ life. Mental exhaustion is one of the major causes of brain fog.

So how do I deal with mental exhaustion when life constantly demands my full attention with little time for self care? To be honest; it’s not easy. One thing that has truly helped my mental health is my painting. So every spare minute that I get, I paint! There are days I cannot even focus on that but when I can, I take advantage of a ‘good’ day and paint.

Bottom line is, I do the best that I can with what I have! I’m sure I don’t always measure up to what others expect of me but thats okay. I can only do what I know I’m capable of doing; I know my limits and I have to protect my mental health. I have to protect myself from another relapse because I know that I/we would not survive another relapse; a one that would leave me nonfunctioning . It happened before and if I’m not extremely careful, it could happen again. And I will not let that happen!

So if I wake up tomorrow morning and I’m unwell, I will make no apologies; I will do the best that I can with what I have. That’s all that’s required!

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It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

Yes, I have a mental illness and yes, I’m struggling. I’m not okay but it’s okay not to be okay. When you have a mental illness it’s like you are walking on thin ice and at any moment you are going to fall through and drown.

With life there comes so many challenges and facing those challenges when you are well or may I say, ‘normal’ can be tough. But when you struggle with your mental health these challenges can be a trigger; a trigger that can invade your already fragile mind. And God knows I have had my share of challenges and triggers over the pass few months. Let me share with those of you who are struggling, to those who find this joyous season, not so joyous. In reality, life is certainly not an Hallmark movie but sometimes life can throw hurdles at us that can easily break us and leave us overwhelmed, hopeless and alone. There’s a quote I thought worth mentioning, “The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about”. And believe me, in my lifetime with mental illness I have won many battles that others know nothing about.

Maneuvering through life’s triggers (meaning an event or situation that can ‘cause’ to happen or exist) that can attack our mental health and impede our ability to function, to feel and to thrive; can be all consuming. When our mental health gets to this point then what we are dealing with is more then poor mental health but a debilitating mental illness.

Personally, today, what I have learned in order to survive this illness is to know my boundaries. I know I can’t do what I could prior to my 2012 mental breakdown, and no it’s not just about my age but more about my ability to cope mentally. So, yes, I have to put boundaries in place; I know what my limits are. I know when to say, ‘no’ and make no apologies. We have to be gentle with ourselves and do what’s best for us and our own mental health. Self awareness and self care go hand in hand when it comes to attaining good mental health. Being aware of our triggers and doing what we have to do to overcome them is crucial in maintaining a functioning level of living.

There’s a simple concept that many people don’t get when it comes to mental health and mental illness; everyone has mental health, but not everyone has a diagnosis involving a mental illness. When we talk about mental health, we’re talking about our mental well-being; our emotions, our thoughts and feelings. In 2019, 1 in 8 people worldwide lived with a mental health condition, a mental illness, a mental disorder. Depression and anxiety disorders were the most common.

You can experience a low mood without living with depression or be anxious without having an anxiety disorder. We need to realize that being anxious (a natural human emotion that we all have) is not an anxiety disorder. A disorder affects your ability to function in your everyday life. A mental illness is largely affected by genetics and brain chemistry, things that are out of our control. Whereas our mental health is largely within our control.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, ‘people that struggle with a mental illness are dealing with not just normal everyday anxiety and low mood but an intensified disorder that limits us from functioning properly in our everyday lives.’

The brain is said to be the most complex organ of the human body. Scientists and the medical field have yet so much to learn. I have lived with mental illness for all my life and yet after all those years, I still have so much to learn. It’s my goal in life to keep learning and to keep educating others; to help us understand, to de stigmatize this so misunderstood disorder of the brain.

If you are struggling today, you are not alone; I get it! Never give up! One day, one hour and sometimes; one minute at a time. And remember there is an higher power, someone that watches over us, He’s walking this journey with us. That is how I have survived thus far and will keep going. May we all find the peace that this season brings.

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My Mental Health Update

It seems like forever since I wrote about my mental health/illness/disorder. I guess that there’s so much else going on that there as been little time to write. But today I’m sitting on a flight to Montreal with not much else to do. So I guess this time gives me the opportunity to do a little mental health update.

Most days I must say are fairly well, I have certainly improved since moving to CBS. Not that life as gotten any easier but I think I’m at a different stage of my recovery. Notice I said, ‘recovery’ not cure. I know my diagnosis is a chronic, clinical depression and anxiety disorder to which there is no cure. By recovery I am referring to a more functioning level whereby I am in more control of my illness then it is in control of me. I guess you could say the tables have turned to some degree. This has certainly not happened overnight but over months of hard work, therapy and self discipline. I have had to work intensely in every area of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and psychologically. Finding a balance in life and not forgetting about my own self care. Sometimes in our lives we forget to take care of ourselves when we are so busy taking care of everyone else. This is not at all being selfish but realizing that in order to take care of others we have to take care of ourselves first.

It was probably about a year since I had a panic attack, what I would call a full blown panic attack; the kind that frightens you to death. It happened on our last trip to Montreal, during Lauren’s trial baclofen surgery. I was abruptly awakened from my sleep at about 5am by shear panic, the kind that puts you into a fight or flight response and I was in flight mode. I just wanted to run but run where I had no idea. I tried to talk myself through it but it was not working, which only made the attack to escalate. I knew I had to do something and fast, so I jumped into a cold shower. And believe it or not, it really did redirect my thoughts and reduced my panic tremendously. But thankfully I have not had another one since that night. And that’s the scary thing about panic attacks; you never know when one can strike and how long it can last.

Right now I am so thankful that I am doing as well as I am. And I will take what I can get and enjoy the good days to the fullest, live in the moment as best I can, the past is gone and the future is not here.

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I’m A Christian And I Suffer From A Mental Illness

I’m a Christian and I suffer from a mental illness. Many would say, ‘but how can that be?’ Aren’t Christians suppose to have it all together when it comes to their mental health? No they are not, there are no exemptions, just as we suffer from physical illnesses, we also may suffer from mental illness. We need to realize that mental illness is NOT a spiritual battle but an ILLNESS. And once we come to this knowledge we break down the walls of stigma, judgment and condemnation; which so prevalently surround someone who suffers from mental illness and who profess to be a Christian. We can live a Christian life and yet suffer from a mental illness. I am testimony to that fact. And I am not ashamed to admit that I still suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder.

Because I have something wrong mentally does not mean it affects me spiritually, no more than there would be something wrong spiritually if I had heart disease. To the contrary really; because of my suffering I depend on an higher power to strengthen me and guide me through each day. I have come to realize that there are things in my life that I cannot control and it is those things that I release and surrender to God. I realize that not all our sickness, whether mentally or physically, are healed. He did NOT promise us a life without trials and tribulation. But He DID promise that when we do, that He would be by our side, He would be in the storm with us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, “When you pass through the waters (and we will), I WILL BE WITH YOU; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” He’s saying that when we pass through the waters, the rivers and walk through the fire; that He will be with us. And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life; He has walked with me, every step of the way. Even in those times when I felt I was drowning in the floods of depression and felt that God was nowhere to be found; He was and is still there!

Many would also say, “but doesn’t the bible say in Philippians 4:6, Be anxious for nothing…” Yes it surely does say that. But anxiety disorder is completely different from everyday anxiousness. Most anxiety disorders can cause such distress that it interferes with our ability to lead a normal life. This type of disorder is a serious mental illness which can be disabling. Anxiety disorders include panic attacks, social anxiety, phobias and generalized anxiousness. If we as Christians could see this again as an illness, then there would be no need for us to feel guilty or ashamed and want to hide our illness but would talk about it openly and without judgment.

But sadly, even in 2023, many Christians hide their illness and the way they are truly feeling for fear of being misjudged, stigmatized and treated as being ‘different’. When in reality we are normal, ordinary people who are suffering and hurting from a mental illness. If you are one of those Christians who are suffering in silence, be assured that you are loved, understood and cared for by an Heavenly Father who is ‘touched by the feelings of our infirmities’. He will never leave us or forsake us!

In conclusion I would like to quote an excerpt from my book, “Beyond The Door – A Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness.” (Available on Amazon.ca). “For centuries, the Church has often looked upon mental illness as a spiritual battle; good vs. evil. It is not a character flaw, a weakness, a lack of faith, or an unworthy relationship with God.” It is what it is, in reality, mental illness is just that, an “ILLNESS”. And yes I am a Christian and I also have a mental illness!

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Let’s Talk

Mental health matters and so does each person with a mental illness. We are not  alone, 1 in 5 Canadians suffer from a ,mental illness of some form or another, I believe that over the past few years, especially during Covid, that we are in a mental health crisis. Mental illness has no respect of persons, no one is exempt, no one! Mental illness has touched the lives of all of us, whether that being ourselves directly or someone we know.

Today is “Bell Let’s Talk” day. So, let’s talk! My name is Harris Tucker and I suffer from a mental illness! I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have talked about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing. My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at www.harrislisa72.com and also through my book, “Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness”, available through Amazon.ca. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my life and my experiences with;  major depression and anxiety disorder. Bell’s campaign, ‘Let’s Talk’ certainly motivates us all to share our story. How else will others know and understand what mental health is all about, if we don’t  talk about it?  So let’s talk and talk some more, let’s never stop talking. And eventually the walls of stigma will come down and all those who are suffering, will suffer in silence no more but will talk of their illness has free has talking about any physical illness.

In the last few months I have worked on my mental health so intently because if I didn’t I would once again end up in that dark hole with no end in sight. I have to give some credit for my improvement to my medical team; my family doctor, my psychiatrist and therapist who have so caringly given me the tools and encouragement that I needed to get to where I am today, which is a much better place. A place where I can find some light, a place of hope and a reason to love myself and live, in spite of my  mental illness. It’s been a long journey back to a form of recovery, I know I’m not cured, there is no cure, but I am so thankful to be able to say that I am at a better place then I have been in years. And much appreciation also goes to my family and my heavenly Father who have walked this journey with me and have never left me and I’m sure will continue to walk with me.

I am especially drawn to those who suffer with depression and anxiety because I know how they feel, I get it. I have been where they are. But I want to tell you now; no matter how dark the day – there is light, no matter how hopeless you feel – there is hope, and no matter how worthless you feel – you matter, you are worthy! Just hang in there; after the darkness comes the dawn. The light will shine again!! I know because I have been there!

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Tomorrow Will Be Better

I can’t believe that today is December 1st and before we know it it’ll be Christmas once again. Time seems to fly no matter what. It only seems like yesterday that I wrote my last blog entitled, ‘ A Relapse?’ I have hesitated to write an update to that blog simply because I wonder: why? Why bother, why take the time to write, why make my illness an open book for all to see and read? And in so doing opening myself up to judgement by others, being stigmatized, misunderstood and exposed to much prejudice by those who don’t understand or just don’t care to understand. But then I remind myself, I do this to help others, especially for those who suffer in silence, to those who don’t have a voice because it’s through speaking out and sharing our own experience with mental illness that others will begin to understand and break down the walls of stigma. So here I am again with an update on my mental health status after my relapse.

A couple of months ago I realized I was relapsing when I started having panic attacks, I lost interest in doing anything that once brought me such joy, not only did I lose interest, but I lost the motivation to do them. These were sure signs that I was rapidly spiraling down a dark hole, a place that I could not visit again. So began the hard work of keeping myself from going any deeper into this dark hole. I was determined to fight this beast with every ounce of strength that I have in me.

In my last blog I introduced you to my plan of attack. First I had to admit and realize that I needed help and I had to reach out to others who could support or give me direction I needed to take to overcome. My family doctor, my psychiatrist and therapist gave me the tools I needed, now it was up to me to do the work and work I did!

Once the kids were off to school, my work began. No matter how cold it was outside, I pushed myself out the door and went for a 30 minute walk. Now to those who are well this doesn’t seem like much but to me this seemed like a mountain, a marathon. I also practiced mindfulness and meditation throughout the day; I constantly reminded myself to stay in the moment. This also may seem easy to do but for me, it was near impossible but I had to do it. It’s now been about six weeks since I started my uphill journey to getting well and by well I don’t mean cured; I wish! By well I mean being able to feel in control of my mental illness and not the other way around. There’s nothing more scary then feeling you are not in control of your own well being and life. I have already accepted the fact that I have a chronic illness, not unlike any chronic physical illness, where both need constant medical attention.

Today I’m feeling hopeful, I haven’t had a panic attack in about two weeks. I know I have a long way to go but I find hope in the little things; each small improvement is a milestone for me. So it is with great determination that I keep moving forward and upward. That I make the best of each day, one day at a time, weather that be a good day or a bad day. If you are struggling today, don’t give up, keep fighting, tomorrow will be better!

 

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Every Life Matters

I often thought throughout my lifetime that there was something that was just not right. Even as a child I had emotions and thoughts that a child need not have. I would worry over the least little thing, I would often cry myself to sleep; but why?  Anxiety flooded my being, even when I didn’t know what anxiety meant. Behind those big brown eyes, there lived a child in despair, a child dealing with what should only be adult worries and concerns. Looking back over all those years, I realize today that I struggled with a mental illness, even then as a child, I suffered with a broken mind. And sad to say, that little boy still struggles today. There was never a cure, never did my wounds heal and what did heal left unimaginable scars.

Fifty-seven years have come and gone, yet today I’m still struggling; fighting an illness that is genetically hidden in my DNA. Not unlike someone that was predisposed to some other neurological, physical or psychological disorder/disability. I may not be confined to a wheelchair, but none the less; disabled. Depression and anxiety changes who you are, the person who I was is long gone. Now I have to accept my new ‘normal’; a normal that is so far from anything but ‘normal’. A normal that I hate but so far out of my control. I struggle so much just to do the simple things, that once I just took for granted. Just driving my car, the anxiety that creates would stop me from driving at all; if I let it. It may not stop me but it sure limits to where I can drive. Then there’s the anxiety of being in a crowd, I can’t breath, I’m overwhelmed, but no one knows because they cannot physically see what I’m feeling inside. Those are just two examples of what someone experiences who struggles with an anxiety disorder, and believe me there are lots more.

The news came once again recently, that someone I knew died by suicide. The tragedy in all of this is not only the passing of this person but the stigma, the shame and the judgment that comes with it; and that’s the biggest tragedy of all. We are so quick to pass judgment, when in reality that is not our place to do so. Majority of people that die by suicide are certainly not in the frame of mind to make such a decision if they weren’t suffering from some form of mental or neurological disorder. The disorder has changed who that person really is and was before their illness. So please let’s not judge anyone, because no one is exempt, no one! But let’s console those who are grieving, and allow them to grieve with respect and honor , without shame or embarrassment. That would be the thing to do, every life matters, so be kind and compassionate.

So today I live on, I fight with all that is within me. I try to help those who are struggling themselves, to help them see that maybe tomorrow will be better, just maybe.