Tag: harris tucker

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Let’s Talk Suicide

I just finished reading another heart wrenching story written by a Mom about her daughter who had died by suicide. Her Mom goes on to say (speaking of her daughter)  that in March 2017 she lost her battle with depression and died from suicide.

The stigma that society as placed on suicide is ridiculous. So much so that it steals from the grieving family the opportunity to grieve without prejudice, guilt or shame. And the deceased is looked upon in an undignified, judgemental and condescending manner. It’s sad, that even today we still use language like ‘committed suicide’ or ‘taking your own life’, as if it is an intentional, deliberate and rational process. If someone loses a 10 years battle with cancer, we talk about their bravery, their strength and how they were an inspiration to all around them. And they were certainly all of those things, I am not denying that. But people (myself included) with depression are fighting a constant battle as well. Some people lose their battle with depression and other mental illness through suicide. But the way in which Society views this person is the complete opposite of the way they would view someone with cancer or some other physical disease. They are looked upon as selfish, weak and highly stigmatized. It’s time for this ignorant way of thinking to end!

Someone suffering from a mental illness should be treated with the same dignity, pride, love, compassion and remembered as brave fighters, regardless of the circumstances of their death. Maybe you have not been introduced to the ‘death of shame’, but maybe if it hit close to home, to someone you loved, you would soon start to see suicide in a new light. I hope you never have to experience such  an horrific death but there are no exemptions. So the next time you are quick to pass judgement, may you think before you speak.  Someone who has fought a mental illness for too long and within their broken mind the only way they see to ‘fix it’ is through suicide. Relieving themselves and their families of this horrible burden of sorrow, shame and ugliness.

This blog is not based on my spiritual beliefs and I wish not to get into a religious debate. But is based on the right to die and be treated with dignity, no matter the cause. We were always taught to respect the dead. It’s about being treated humanely with no disrespect for anyone involved. But may we leave the ‘God Stuff”, up to God, it’s certainly not our place to judge; God has the last word! But may it be our responsibility to, love, to be compassionate and a shoulder to cry on. I want to be that person that is there for the hurting, the misjudged and for those suffering from a loss of a loved one by suicide. Or if you are that person that is contemplating suicide or just wishing you could die to end this unbearable pain, then I’m here for you too. I have been and still have those days just like that, so you are not alone; I’ve been there too.

I know I have nothing to be ashamed of because I have a mental illness. Yes, my brain is broken and tells me I’m a loser, I’m weak, I’m a good for nothing, etc. No different then if I was suffering from anorexia and my brain was telling me; I’m fat and ugly. None of which are true but when you have a ‘sick’ brain you cannot always control the way you think.

And that is why more needs to be done to find more effective ways to treat the brain and  then suicide wouldn’t need to be an option and hopelessness would be turned to hope and hope to life. But right now I believe our Mental Health System is failing us, one suicide at a time; at an alarming and frightening rate. Someone open your eyes! We are in the midst of a suicidal epidemic and very little is done. ‘Let’s Talk’ is great but ‘Let’s Do’!

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A Life Of Fighting

‘Desperate times cause for desperate measures’, that’s what the quote says anyway. Here I am at Robin’s, sitting alone, sipping a coffee and writing; like I was getting paid for it. I’m expecting the roof to blow off the building any minute, the wind is blowing so hard. I’m here trying to put my thoughts together but nothing seems to work. If I’m getting paid per word for what I’m writing, then my pay won’t be much today.

I’ve just experienced two horrible weeks of depression and nothing I do helps. When you are feeling depressed; ‘to do’ are the last two words in your vocabulary. You really feel totally disabled, not that you don’t want ‘to do’ something, you can’t do it. It’s like your body goes in shut down mode and you find it next to impossible to function. Nothing brings you joy, you feel numb but mostly you feel angry and guilty because you feel this way. I know it’s not my fault, this illness has captured my mind and as held me prisoner for most of my life.

Major depression is not a once in a lifetime occurrence or at least it hasn’t been for me. I guess I can compare it to a roller coaster, with many ups and downs; with the downs a lot lower then the highs of the ups. The scariest part of the ride is, you have no choice in when your ride will end and you can get off. Yes, you will experience times when your depression goes into remission as it were. You know it’s still there, but you can live life with a little more  ease. Those are the times when you have to enjoy life to it’s fullest because you don’t know how long this reprieve will last. And  then that disabling, crippling, ugly beast of depression returns in all it’s fury; that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks. I call it a veil of sadness.

What happens to me during this period of time? I change! I find it difficult to laugh, but yet normally, I love to laugh. I love to make other people laugh; so much so that I started a YouTube channel called, ‘Walter on da line’ and it’s all about laughing. But when I’m in this pit of despair I cannot even play the part but yet I miss it so much. I’m hoping this cloud will soon lift and I can get back to playing my character, ‘Walter’, once again. Then, I didn’t go to church on Sunday, and I rarely miss. But I just could not go, I couldn’t be around large crowds, just too overwhelming. The darkness was starting to close in, the dark night of depression was creeping in. When this happens I find it really hard to see the sunshine, even when the sun is shining. I love bright sunny days but when depression strikes, the darkness hides the sunshine. I want to just run and hide. I ignore the phone, not that  I don’t want to talk to the other person but I just can’t. I just want to sleep and isolate; but I know if I do, depression will take over. So now I am becoming very frightened, scared and panic is setting in, I’m terrified that I’m relapsing, that I’m returning to that place I call hell. I can’t go there again, ever! I know now I have to see my doctor. I make my appointment.

The night before my doctor’s appointment, I sat down and tried to the best of my ability, to write what I thought he needed to hear, in order to help me.

Once inside his office, I sat and pulled out my letter of ‘confession’ and nervously let him hear what I was feeling. ‘My doctor appointment note’:

‘Lying in my restless bed last night, I turned over at least a thousand times. My appointment with my doctor this morning was enough to give anyone nightmares. I felt my life was on the line but how would I make him see that. And if he did, what good would it do, if any? Had my diagnosis been written in stone and this was my lot in life? Six months had gone by since my last appointment and here I was again, waiting impatiently in the waiting room.

What as happened in those six months that he would need to know and that I would need to tell him, in order for him to understand where I am today, in my somewhat mental health. I guess those pass six months have proven, I’m not suicidal because if I were, I would not be sitting in this chair today and he would have lost one of his many patients.

But how have I improved or declined since my last visit? Mental health isn’t as black or white as other physical illnesses and therefore much harder to explain and pinpoint. For me each day and everyday is a fight and a struggle to survive this war within. Some days very intense, others maybe not so intense, but a struggle none the less. It’s a fight to function, to move, to feel happiness, to perform. Some days I do fairly well, others not so well.

The last few weeks I have found myself spiraling downward into a deep hole of despair. Wanting to sleep more, to escape the pain. Longing just to feel okay. Not being afraid to face the day, just to know I can do this. But lots of my days I loose my fight, I run out of ammunition, there’s nothing left to fight with. I’m exhausted, tired, frustrated and lots of times hopelessness creeps in and tries to steal that little bit of ‘being’ that I have left. But I won’t let go, I hold on tight.

My pain becomes real through my tears. I have moments when I have to let them escape and let some of the pain go. Sometimes I think I feel healing in my tears. Some people may call that weakness but I call that strength. Keeping it all inside is weakness; not wanting or knowing what to do with the pain. Finding ways to cope, to heal, to be okay; is strength! On most days, that’s how I have functioned.

But the scary days come when you feel you are loosing control, when you are loosing your battle and you have no strength to fight back. That’s the scary days and that’s where I am today.’

I believe he heard me, he was listening. But I also believe that he knows that this is really what my life is, was and always will be. I will have good days and bad days, but I have to accept that that’s the way this illness works, much like any other illness, you have it and you just have to learn to live with it. Right now I feel really low but I have to believe that I will bounce back again. That the light will shine again, that the spark will come back into my eyes, my energy and drive will increase and life will be restored to my being.

I know what I have written is very personal and some would call private. But if I am going to be honest and expose this horrible disease for what it is, then I have to tell it like it is and hide nothing. Good days and bad days. If I have to sacrifice my own privacy to help others to see and feel this misunderstood, stigmatized and cruel disease, then I will do so.

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A Year In Review

The year 2018 was anything but celebratory. Every day that I opened my eyes; I had to force myself to move. Everyday I fought a war from within, a war that no one else saw, a battle from within. Happiness didn’t find me naturally, I had to fight to just be okay. This thing called depression as left me angry, ashamed, guilty and exhausted. One thing I will be and that is real, it is what it is; ugly!

I cannot paint a beautiful picture for you of my life being easy, relaxed and carefree; that would not be the truth. There were no truer words spoken then when the Apostle John said, ‘In this world you will have trouble'(John 16:33). And we as a family has had more then our share. There were times when we wondered if we would ever survive it and we are certainly not out of danger yet. I have to believe in the promises of God, even on the days when I don’t feel God at all.

There were many days in 2018 that I did not feel the presence of God. But I have learned from my experiences that I cannot live by the way I feel but I have to live by what I know. And I know that God promised to walk with me, to uphold me. In Isaiah 41:10 He tells me, ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Then there’s the chorus we sing, ‘Because He lives, I can face tomorrow…all fear is gone’. There were and are days I could not sing this song truthfully. There were days when fear gripped my very being and I had to remind myself over and over again that He holds my future. But because of my depression and anxiety my brain could not retain that information and allow me to live a fearless life. So I am trying everyday to live by what I know, not what I feel.

Because I could not feel God over the past several years, my mind tried to convince me that God was nowhere near me; I was forsaken. But that is not the truth, that is not what I ‘know’. Hebrews 13:5 ‘….I will never leave you, nor forsake you’. I have to hold fast to these promises even in my darkest days.

Then there were days when I felt so ashamed and guilty. I questioned myself, why am I feeling this way, if I’m professing to be a Christian, then I should not have these thoughts or feelings. But then I thought, if I had any other illness, besides a mental one, would I be feeling the same way? If I had diabetes for example, would I be questioning my relationship with God? I don’ think so! I would look at it as an illness and that my pancreas wasn’t producing enough insulin for my body, so I would need to take medication to regulate my insulin levels. But because I have a mental illness, I am supposed to look at it differently. When really my brain is not creating enough serotonin, which is a neurotransmitter that contributes to the feeling of well-being and happiness. It has nothing to do with my relationship with God. God promised to walk ‘with us’ through our difficult times, not to remove us from them. Although I have depression and anxiety, in spite of this, I can still love God for who He is, not because of the way I feel. I can still serve God with depression just the same as if I had diabetes. There is no difference. Thanks be to God!

Prior to Christmas, I started my own YouTube channel called, ‘Walter On Da Line’. I felt again it was a way to deter my thoughts away from my illness to being funny. And I felt it was another great form of therapy and I was really enjoying it. But then, just to show you how powerful and controlling depression can be; I got up one morning and my depression had moved in and suffocated my ‘funny’. I could not produce a video of ‘Walter’ if my life depended on it and up to this day I still can’t. But I’m praying that with time and some space, I’ll be able to do it again.

Depression is so powerful and debilitating,  that at times it makes life so unbearable. But I live in hope that one day I will be well again. But until then I will keep fighting, hoping that my strength will not fail. I pray that 2019 will be filled with hope, happiness, peace and good health for us all.

 

 

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Mental Illness; So What?

Mental illness has been one of the most misunderstood, stigmatized and misdiagnosed illnesses of all time. To be honest it’s only in more recent years to be even considered an illness. Speaking from experience, I believe I’ve become a little bit of an ‘expert’ in the field. Not because I’m a trained therapist, I’m not, but I believe there are some things you cannot learn from a book. Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for those working in the mental health field. But living with a mental illness all my life has given me knowledge, understanding and insight that I would have never  received if I  had not suffered from this horrific illness myself. Mine being Major (Clinical) Depression and Anxiety.

I have paid an enormous price for this insight into mental illness. It as cost me greatly, I have lost so much because of my illness and brought much pain and worry to both my families. And also it’s affected so much of my social life, especially that being the lost of many friends and close acquaintances.

When I’m experiencing a ‘not so good day’, I just need to be alone but yet it’s the last thing I want. Being alone is the last thing someone should be when not feeling well. A sure symptom of depression is isolating, where socializing and being around people is hard to do. You can feel all alone in the most crowded room. Or to the opposite extreme where being around people can make you feel so overwhelmed and anxiety provoking. You feel guilty because you are feeling sad and you don’t want to bring others down. And there are days when you just can’t hide how you are really feeling, for the sake of others. You have to be honest and admit, I’m not having a good day.

I cannot remember the last time I could say, ‘I had a good day’. I sat in my doctor’s office, with tears trickling down my face and I looked into his eyes and said, ‘If this is living, I’m not living’. I have an amazing, compassionate, caring doctor but he doesn’t have the answers; there is only so much that he can do. It is my belief that what can be done both medically and therapeutically for me, is done. The brain is the most complex organ in the body and the least is known about it. Therefore it is least treatable.

Am I discouraged? Yes, I have days when I think, what’s the point? And feel like flushing my meds down the toilet. I’m not winning this war. But then I think of where I was six years ago, to where I am today; I’ve come a long way. I have to believe that achieving and maintaining a healthy mind is not a single battle, but an on going war. And God knows I have fought my battles, I’m still in the war. But I cannot throw down my armour and wave my white flag in surrender and let depression win, I just can’t. Even when I feel like all options are gone, I still have the promise of God; to never leave me or forsake me.

I feel like I’m walking on water, but I’m sinking… I’m going down. But I’ve taken my medication religiously, I’ve done everything right to my knowledge but yet that heavy gnawing inside me; a sad, aching feeling that something isn’t right inside my head. The darkness is desperately trying to swallow me. Depression may be in my mind, but it’s not in my imagination, this is real. You know that something is wrong and you are grasping for help.

When you’re in the darkness of depression, you need a reason to hope. But lately I’m having days when hope is nearly gone. Even if you’re trying medications (and I’ve tried what seems like hundreds) that didn’t work, at least I still felt I was doing something, even if that something is figuring out what won’t work. But if we do nothing at all, then we are hopeless. So to keep hope alive, I fight with every ounce of strength I have within me and pray that my strength doesn’t fail. A very scary place to be.

I know that because this illness is so stigmatized and misunderstood, that many minimize it’s seriousness and existence. I can sit here for hours and talk of my experience but the best way I feel you may get a better understanding of this illness and what it can do, is for me to give you some statistics to prove my point.

300 million people around the world have depression, according to the World Health Organization.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the workplace.

1 in 5 people in Canada will experience a mental illness (Canadian Mental Health Association).

The Centre for Suicide Prevention states: “The number of people who die by suicide each year in Canada equates to a jumbo jet 747 crashing and killing everyone on board….. every single month of the year. If as many people died in plane crashes as they do by suicide, there would be a pubic uproar. Instead, SUICIDE is swept under the carpet and not talked about”.

The latest research shows there were 3,926 suicides in Canada in 2016.

Canada loses close to 200 children and youth to suicide every year.

Today in Canada 10 people will end their lives by suicide; up to 200 others will attempt so.

Suicide is currently ranked as the 9th leading cause of death in Canada.

Majority of suicides are due to some form mental illness.

The statistics speak for themselves, ‘this illness is real’. And not talking about it will not make it go away but will only intensify it’s effect on mankind. I believe that with time, these statistics will keep growing and we are headed for an epidemic that will be out of control. I pray that I am wrong but time will tell. Watch the Clock!

 

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Different and Isolated

It’s late November, a very misty,foggy, mild day. But it’s November, where’s the white blanket of snow and the cold frosty air? Oh right, we’re in Newfoundland where the seasons change every ten minutes, but I’m not complaining because shovelling snow is not my idea of fun. The push is on now to get the Christmas decorating done and that takes me forever because I can only do a little at a time. If I tried to do it all at once, I would just get overwhelmed and my anxiety would go through the roof.

It’s kind of ironic the things we take for granted because there was a time when those kind of tasks didn’t trigger my anxiety; it was total enjoyment. But now I have to work a little harder at keeping anxiety under control and that requires work on my part, which exhaust me and steals the joy from the things that once I so much enjoyed. I know that’s hard for some people who haven’t suffered from major anxiety to understand, and that’s okay. But my goal here is to educate those who don’t ‘get it’ and to let those who do ‘get it’ to know that they are not alone.

This illness is so disabling and crippling (major depression and anxiety) that it makes you feel like you’re different, you’re not normal, you’re flawed; that you’re going around trying to imitate everyone else that you think is ‘normal’. Trying so desperately just to fit in. But truthfully, there are so many times that I feel I just don’t fit in, I’m different. And that feeling is so isolating.

Since Lauren was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and I’m not comparing the two for similarities but it gives me a better understanding of what different and isolated really feels like. No matter what you think or say, there is still such an enormous stigma that is attached to a wheelchair. Just for example sake; it was just yesterday we went to a birthday party with Lauren. And just for the moment I began to observe how the other children interacted with her. And I realized that a lot of them, not all, were staring at her like she had some contagious disease, like they had never seen a wheelchair before in their lives. And no, this was not just my thinking but when we left, Lisa pointed out the same observance. It was very sad, especially in today’s society where kids are exposed to so much but yet still looked at Lauren as if she was different. And yes she is different but no different then a kid that was wearing glasses, hearing aids, kids with diabetes or me with my mental illness. In one way or another we are all different, I guess some differences we just can’t see, and because we can’t see them they are looked upon as ‘normal’. So sad but yet so true.

I guess for us it’s accepting the fact that that’s the way things are. And some things will never change, no matter how much we try to educate and no matter how much we advocate, some things will never fully change. We just have to embrace those who do and accept those who don’t ‘get it’. And realize that there are still those out there living in their perfect world, with their arrogance and ignorance and for those we will say a little prayer.

 

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No Options Left!

The screams of terror, fear and pain fill the house. No, we are not watching a horror movie; it seems we are living it. Logan rushes to close the bedroom door because he can’t bare to hear his little sister in so much pain. It was just Monday, October 22,2018 that Lauren had her third spica cast removed. For anyone having a cast removed is never pleasant but for Lauren it’s even worse because her cerebral palsy exemplifies itself by spasticity(tightness)  of the muscles.

Because her muscles have been unable to move within the cast: they are now weak, tight and very little control over her movement. If she is moved at all, even to do a pamper change, throws her into an horrifying rage. We have to put her in a bath of epson salts and very warm water to help relax and awaken her now ‘sleeping’ muscles. Getting her from the bed to the bathtub is nothing short of a nightmare. She is clawing at my neck in hopes of getting relief from the fear and pain. Once she gets in the tub with Mommy, she starts to settle down and relax a little, to a point where she is just floating. We do this for about twenty minutes. Then its time to get out and the terror starts all over again.

Why am I telling you all of this? It’s because I want to educate and make you aware of what’s involved in caring for a child with a disability. And also to make you aware that our insensitive, non caring, non compassionate Government does nothing to help. We has her parents feel so all alone and no support, we have to provide 24/7 care ourselves with  no respite care because we can’t pay for it ourselves and our Government as declined  any help whatsoever. We are not complaining about what we have to do, because we love Lauren and would give our lives for her. But we believe we deserve a little help from our Government to receive some respite care. We are only human and we are running on empty and this road is just beginning and we are falling beneath the load already.

What do we have to do to get some help? I am tired of pleading with our Government officials MHA, MP, Minister of Health, Minister responsible for the Status of Persons with Disabilities, etc. Where did I get with all this advocating? No Where!

Where else can I go? What else can I do? We have run out of options and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Who can help? Who will help? Someone as to do something and I’m calling upon our Government to get their heads out of the sand, to hell with policy and do what’s right for this little girl and her family.

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I Have Tried Everything

I remember getting to a point in my illness when I felt I had tried ‘everything’ and I still wasn’t better. I had done months of therapy, counselling, I had tried every antidepressant, anti psychotic, every cocktail of medications, shock therapy and yet I found no miracle working relief from my ever emerging symptoms of my illness. Because of this, much panic, hopelessness and fear of not escaping this hell sat in. I felt I was at a dead end and my hope was depleting.

So the statement; ‘I have tried everything and nothing works’ in fact may be true to some extent but in another, is not. When you do get to this point, you still haven’t tried ‘everything’, you may think you have but no you haven’t! You have to consciously make the decision everyday to fight for you, you still have ‘you’, you cannot give up on you. But ‘YOU’ have to do it; no one else on this earth can do it for you. You have the power and strength within you to do it. Where this inner strength comes from I believe is from God; our creator, He who knit us in our Mother’s womb, He who knew the plans He has for us, even before we were born. He who said, ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.’

Yes, everyday is still a struggle; there are days when I feel so all alone, tired from the fight but I have to be determined to not give up. Though some days my mind tells me that life is not worth it anymore, I cannot listen. I will find the strength within me and God is there somewhere, even when I don’t feel Him. So when those days overwhelm me and I feel I have tried everything and nothing works; I have to remember how far I ‘have’ come and remember that I will come out on top, stronger in the end.

I will no longer look at myself as a victim but as a conqueror. It’s the fight that makes me stronger. Yes this illness is looked upon so differently then any other illness. If I had cancer, kidney failure, heart disease, diabetes, etc. all of which are looked upon with concern, support and compassion (and so they should be). But because it’s a mental illness, many, not all, look at you in a different light, really so much so that you are looked upon as being defected. They look at you as if you are a different person; and yes I agree that the illness does change you but it’s not your fault nor is it mine. I hate this illness for all it as done to me but I am coming back; all in time. It’s so difficult for friends and even family to sometimes understand what’s going on because of our mental illness. But educating themselves is the best defense against misunderstanding our behavior and separating themselves from us, when in reality there as never been a time when we needed them more.

Today I realize we all struggle with something; whether that being a sickness, addiction, lost, marriage struggles, loneliness and hurts. But I also realize today that if we feel that we have tried it all and nothing works. Then I am here to tell you (and to remind myself) we still have hope, hope in God, hope in ourselves. It may not be an easy road but it’s a one that leads to hope, light and a one that we are not walking alone. When we loose faith in God and ourselves, it’s then we have nothing left; we have no hope. So let’s keep hope alive and never give up! 

 

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Incomplete

My pen doesn’t want to move anymore, like it’s stuck in quicksand. It just stays there, nestled in my hand. I look at it and wonder, what is it you want to say? It starts to move, picks up momentum and we’re off! Summer is here and with that comes the expectations of fun times, barbecues, friends over, water fights, leisure and relaxation. That sounds amazing, so exciting, so full of life but for me so out of reach.

No matter how hard I try, the expectations of summer just doesn’t come by so easily. Depression builds up a wall that separates you from what you really want; to be truly happy. It’s like the harder you try the further away your dream fades. You know what you need to do but you just can’t get there; it keeps moving further and further away. Depression kills your spirit; it leaves you feeling INCOMPLETE. And that’s probably one of the best words to describe what depression does to you, it makes you feel incomplete. Like there is always something missing, it steals a piece of you that you can’t find anymore, no matter how hard you search.

You know you’re not right, that there is something wrong but you are trapped , you can’t get out, you can’t change it. It’s out of your control. I feel like I have lost myself and can’t find ‘me’, no matter how hard I search; I can’t be found. My identity is lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. Please come back; whoever you were, I liked the other person a lot better. I was a perfectionist, I would go above and beyond to help others, I gave my job 110%. I was the responsible one (most of the time) and the one other people could count on. Now I can’t even count on myself for me, I’m afraid of who I’ve become. How could depression change me so much? Will I ever be ‘myself’ again?

Depression really does change who you are. I grieve and mourn for that person I use to be. I managed my own business for 28 years, like any other professional, but today that is so impossible, my illness has taken away my ability to perform in that capacity and I miss it so much. It was such a large part of who I was, I loved it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, professionalism, purpose and socialization. But I know within me, I will never do that again and I have to let it go. But letting go is never easy, it’s been six years and I still have days when I wish I could go back to those days. But I know I have to look forward and hope that one day I will thrive again.

There’s nothing glamorous or pretty about depression. But opening up about it and letting other people know just how I feel is one of the best things I could have done. I’m hoping that people aren’t disappointed that I’m not the person I used to be, that depression as taken it’s tole on me. I fight every day to be the best that I can be; maybe there are days that I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t know what to say anymore. Then there are days when I seem a million miles/km away, when really I’m still here, it’s just my brain has captured my thoughts and I’m held prisoner inside my own mind. Or some days I may not laugh as much as I used to, my burden of sadness overwhelms me and steals my laughter. There may be days I just want to run away and not have to face anyone. But that’s what depression as done to me, it’s no one’s fault and certainly not mine because if I could change it I would do it in an heartbeat. My real self is still there, somewhere underneath my depressed self. Depression does not define who I am, it will try; but it will not win, it just can’t.

So whether its summer, winter, spring or fall; it doesn’t matter. When depression strikes it doesn’t always take the season into consideration. But it’s so hard when it’s a beautiful summer day and the sun is shining in all of it’s glory but in your mind the sun isn’t so bright anymore. Depression as clouded it’s beaming rays and darkened shadows follow your every footstep.

If you know someone who suffers from depression or any other mental illness, please realize that it is mental illness that as changed them. They didn’t choose to have this illness and if there was ever a time in their life when they needed your understanding and support; it’s now. Just be there and maybe one day at a time, they will gradually come back to you.

 

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I’m Done

It seems like forever since I have written a blog about me. I sat down in my office, put the white, blank paper in front of me, equipped myself with my weapon; the pen. And stared blankly out the window in front of the desk, with not a word to write. I was DONE, empty, tired and alone. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything left to write about but maybe my mind was bombarded with thoughts and I just didn’t know where to start.  I wanted  thoughts to heal myself and words to help someone else. But I felt neither.

I’ve been down this road so many times, and yet today feels like this is my first entry. Depression and anxiety are so hard to write about; the vastness of their symptoms and their indescribable pain, make it impossible to write on paper.  Yes, I have come so far but life’s triggers make it so easy to go two steps back. It’s a constant battle that I will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. But because of how far I have come, I believe I can do this. Not for anyone else but for me. That may sound selfish but in reality it’s not at all. Let me explain; depression is an illness for me, it’s not a feeling that I can turn on or off. I cannot make myself better for someone or something else, it doesn’t work that way. If it did I would have done that a long time ago. If my heart is sick; I can’t fix it. If my kidneys were sick; I can’t fix it. If my brain is sick (and it is, I am not denying that); I can’t fix it!

What I do every day is work with what I have. Some days are fairly good, other’s are not; not unlike any other illness. My depression as told me so many lies but I have come to terms with that and accepted that that’s what they are; lies. My illness as told me I am weak, when in reality in order to cope with this illness, you require the strength that is far beyond our own human strength and for that I give God all the Glory. Another lie; I am worthless, when really I am bought with a price. And nothing can separate me or you from the love of God. No matter what we have done, how worthless we feel; God loves us just as we are. My illness as made me feel so insecure within myself; I am not a good father, I am not a good husband, I am not……and the list goes on. But these insecurities stem from what depression as stolen from me. But everyday, day by day, I’m taking it back. It’s hard work and it’s going to take time but I am determined, with God’s help, to conquer every battle this illness throws in my path.

I’m taking back everything that I have lost, it may take a lifetime but I will do it. I am certainly not there yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I am worth it, I am strong, I am secure, I am courageous, I am a fighter. And if you are out there and you know what I’m talking about; you can do it too. Believe in God, believe in yourself, just believe! You can do it!

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“MY” 12 Step Program for Better Mental & Spiritual Health

The 12 Step Program was created by the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous to establish guidelines for the best way to overcome an addiction to alcohol. The program gained enough success in it’s early years for other addiction support groups to adapt the steps to their own needs; ranging from Cocaine Anonymous to Debtors Anonymous.

What impressed me the most about this program is the heavy emphasis on spirituality. The language emphasizes the presence of God as each participant understands Him, and for me that would be God. It is already established that the only way to overcome an addiction of any sort; is we cannot do it alone, we need an higher, spiritual power. And so it is with a mental illness; if we are going to survive, we need God.

With my experience with a mental illness, I believe this 12 Step Program could both be beneficial and adapted for someone suffering a mental illness. Here are “MY” 12 Step Program to better Mental & Spiritual Health.

  1. We first have to acknowledge that we have a mental illness, stop living in denial, seek help and speak out. We have nothing to be ashamed of.
  2. Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to better mental health.
  3. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, for only He can see us through this dark hole.
  4. Search me oh God and know my heart today.
  5. Admit to God and ourselves that we are powerless and rely totally on Him to walk this road with us.
  6. Ask God to remove anything in our lives that is unlike Him.
  7. Forgive us of our shortcomings.
  8. Ask for God’s forgiveness of our past and live in the moment.
  9. Place our future in God’s hands and trust that He knows what He’s doing.
  10. Admit when we are wrong and learn from our mistakes.
  11. Spend time in prayer, meditation and solitude, praying only for knowledge of His will for us.
  12. Having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And may we know that He will never leave us or forsake us.