The morning clouds my foggy mind. I grasp for the light, I reach from within to find just a glimmer. My depression consumes the light, darkness overpowers my thoughts, But it will not win, I am strong, courageous and a fighter, this illness will not conquer me, though some days it feels like it just might. Fierce might be the battle from within, but peace will come because I am in control.
The pain I feel from inside is not a sharp, shooting pain, as if I cut my finger; but a sad , empty, lonely, searching pain. I’m desperately seeking an escape; an escape that will lead to peace, calm and happiness. To find a place where I don’t have to fight anymore, the fight has left me tired, I just don’t want to fight anymore. The battle as left me exhausted and drained, to a point where I have little of anything left to live with, my fuel tank is running on empty it seems.
Depression is an illness that is looked upon so lightly. The illness carries with it so much undeserved stigma, shame and misunderstanding. And this is why so many sufferers do so in silence and all alone; they feel they can’t tell others or seek help because that would mean they are weak and flawed. But that is so far from the truth, we have nothing to be ashamed of, we have an illness that requires treatment and support. So forget the stigma and myths of this illness and talk about the way you feel and seek medical help; there is no shame in that!
I am reminded again this week as the news declares two more deaths by suicide of two very prominent, rich, successful icons. Both of these people, had it all, but both suffered from depression. Their illness killed them and their lifestyle and material possessions could not save them. They were consumed with that inner pain, that they could not escape and were forced to end the pain the only way they knew how. Tired of the battlefield in their minds; now no more fighting, no more war.
I began writing this blog very early in the morning, when I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts can lead me into very ugly, dark and hopeless places. But when they do, I refocus; I deter my thoughts to a more quieter, calm and bearable place.
It was then my thoughts reminded me I had to mow the lawn, now when I say lawn I mean practically a football field (in my mind that’s what I see). So I give myself a kick and off I go to mow the football field. No sooner then I began, it started to rain. So I weighed the pros and cons and make my decision to keep mowing the grass. Now some would call that stubbornness but I call it determination. I think it makes for a great analogy of my battle with depression and anxiety. I could have easily given in, if I went by my feelings, but I knew if I did my lawn would be overgrown and would not get done. So here I am in the pouring rain mowing my football field; call it stupidity if you like.
But here I am two hours later, soaked to the skin; but my lawn is done. If I had given up because of the rain, it would not have gotten done. So it is with depression, I have days when the ‘rain’ is pouring down, and I could get so discouraged, I could just give up. But let me encourage you and myself to never give up, no matter how hard it rains. Because eventually the rain will stop, if we just wait. The sun will shine again and the ironic thing is, it does.
I want to encourage those who are reading this and you feel you have had your share of rainy days. Trust me, it won’t rain always, right now it might feel it won’t stop but hang in there, the sun is sure to shine. I have my share of rainy days and sometimes there’s no end in sight but I have to hold on to my faith and my hope and believe that the sun will shine again!
I so respect and I am so proud of you, Harris – you are amazing! It is wonderful where you have come from in your illness. So many of us are in those rainy days and yes, if we preserve, we will all rise above it!
The ‘rain’ pouring down – what a great analogy!!
This mornings devotional from a friend – plan to post it later but think you will agree
FINDING THE PEARLS IN YOUR PROBLEMS
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance”. James 1:2-3
Did you know that oysters can have problems? Those little hard-shelled creatures can often get a foreign substance inside their shell that causes irritation and distress. So what do they do with this problem? They secrete a chemical to address the irritant… and voila, the end result is a valuable, costly pearl. Pretty cool, huh?
GOT PROBLEMS?
Now no one likes to have problems and troubles… but we all have them. They are part of the human existence. The Old Testament character, Job, had more than his fair share of difficulties in life. He said, “Man is born for trouble as sparks fly upward” (Job 5:7). Can I get an “amen” somebody?!
As with the oyster, God wants to take the troubles we have and use them for good. He wants to turn our problems into pearls. He wants us to look at problems differently… so that we can see the benefits and truly “consider it all joy.”
WHAT ARE THE PEARLS?
1. Problems create an environment for God’s grace to flow. The Bible clearly teaches us that “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble” ( James 4:6). Surely nothing humbles us like problems. Michael Vick is certainly not walking in pride these days. When trouble comes, it always brings humility with it… and humility creates an environment for God to pour out His grace. Wow… thank You, Lord.
2. Problems create and environment for your faith to be strengthened. Faith is the key that unlocks the storehouse of heaven. Faith is what pleases God. The stronger your faith, the more you will see God do in your life – “Be it done to you according to your faith” (Matt. 9:29). And faith really only grows when it is tested by trouble. See, faith is like a muscle… if there is no resistance on it, it stays flabby and weak. It takes stress and strain to make it strong.
James tells us that we need to consider our problems as all joy (pure and unmixed with grief and grumbling). Surely all problems are not all joy – cancer is not a joy, job loss is not a joy, rejection is not a joy, opposition is not a joy, hardship is not a joy – but we are to CONSIDER problems a joy. We are to say by faith, “God, You who love me have allowed this situation to come into my life… and I know You are going to use it for good somehow (Rom. 8:28)… and I choose to trust You and look at this with anticipation and excitement.’ That is faith. That attitude pleases God.
Fanny Crosby, the great hymn writer, was blinded as an infant by the negligence of a quack doctor. Although blind, she was never bitter but rather considered it all joy and wrote these words:
Oh what a happy soul I am,
Although I cannot see;
I am resolved that in this world
Contented I will be.
How many blessings I enjoy,
That other people don’t;
To weep and sigh because I’m blind,
I cannot, and I won’t.
3. Problems create an environment for you to draw near to God. Problems remind us how desperately we need Him. We seek God more earnestly when we are in trouble… and He has promised that we will find Him when we seek Him with all our hearts (Jer. 29:13). Surely, He is near to the brokenhearted (Ps. 34:18).
When it comes to problems, you and I always have a choice to make: “Will I allow this problem to make me bitter… or make me better? Will I focus on the pearls or the poison?”
God’s word says, “Consider it all joy”… and let Him take that problem and turn it around for good. If you will choose joy at the start, you will see God bring abundant joy to the conclusion. There are pearls in your problems. Stay focused on them and you will be amazed at what God will do in response.
Love, Prayers & God’s Blessings, Maxena Hugs