Tag: suicide

Posted on

Mental Illness; So What?

Mental illness has been one of the most misunderstood, stigmatized and misdiagnosed illnesses of all time. To be honest it’s only in more recent years to be even considered an illness. Speaking from experience, I believe I’ve become a little bit of an ‘expert’ in the field. Not because I’m a trained therapist, I’m not, but I believe there are some things you cannot learn from a book. Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for those working in the mental health field. But living with a mental illness all my life has given me knowledge, understanding and insight that I would have never  received if I  had not suffered from this horrific illness myself. Mine being Major (Clinical) Depression and Anxiety.

I have paid an enormous price for this insight into mental illness. It as cost me greatly, I have lost so much because of my illness and brought much pain and worry to both my families. And also it’s affected so much of my social life, especially that being the lost of many friends and close acquaintances.

When I’m experiencing a ‘not so good day’, I just need to be alone but yet it’s the last thing I want. Being alone is the last thing someone should be when not feeling well. A sure symptom of depression is isolating, where socializing and being around people is hard to do. You can feel all alone in the most crowded room. Or to the opposite extreme where being around people can make you feel so overwhelmed and anxiety provoking. You feel guilty because you are feeling sad and you don’t want to bring others down. And there are days when you just can’t hide how you are really feeling, for the sake of others. You have to be honest and admit, I’m not having a good day.

I cannot remember the last time I could say, ‘I had a good day’. I sat in my doctor’s office, with tears trickling down my face and I looked into his eyes and said, ‘If this is living, I’m not living’. I have an amazing, compassionate, caring doctor but he doesn’t have the answers; there is only so much that he can do. It is my belief that what can be done both medically and therapeutically for me, is done. The brain is the most complex organ in the body and the least is known about it. Therefore it is least treatable.

Am I discouraged? Yes, I have days when I think, what’s the point? And feel like flushing my meds down the toilet. I’m not winning this war. But then I think of where I was six years ago, to where I am today; I’ve come a long way. I have to believe that achieving and maintaining a healthy mind is not a single battle, but an on going war. And God knows I have fought my battles, I’m still in the war. But I cannot throw down my armour and wave my white flag in surrender and let depression win, I just can’t. Even when I feel like all options are gone, I still have the promise of God; to never leave me or forsake me.

I feel like I’m walking on water, but I’m sinking… I’m going down. But I’ve taken my medication religiously, I’ve done everything right to my knowledge but yet that heavy gnawing inside me; a sad, aching feeling that something isn’t right inside my head. The darkness is desperately trying to swallow me. Depression may be in my mind, but it’s not in my imagination, this is real. You know that something is wrong and you are grasping for help.

When you’re in the darkness of depression, you need a reason to hope. But lately I’m having days when hope is nearly gone. Even if you’re trying medications (and I’ve tried what seems like hundreds) that didn’t work, at least I still felt I was doing something, even if that something is figuring out what won’t work. But if we do nothing at all, then we are hopeless. So to keep hope alive, I fight with every ounce of strength I have within me and pray that my strength doesn’t fail. A very scary place to be.

I know that because this illness is so stigmatized and misunderstood, that many minimize it’s seriousness and existence. I can sit here for hours and talk of my experience but the best way I feel you may get a better understanding of this illness and what it can do, is for me to give you some statistics to prove my point.

300 million people around the world have depression, according to the World Health Organization.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the workplace.

1 in 5 people in Canada will experience a mental illness (Canadian Mental Health Association).

The Centre for Suicide Prevention states: “The number of people who die by suicide each year in Canada equates to a jumbo jet 747 crashing and killing everyone on board….. every single month of the year. If as many people died in plane crashes as they do by suicide, there would be a pubic uproar. Instead, SUICIDE is swept under the carpet and not talked about”.

The latest research shows there were 3,926 suicides in Canada in 2016.

Canada loses close to 200 children and youth to suicide every year.

Today in Canada 10 people will end their lives by suicide; up to 200 others will attempt so.

Suicide is currently ranked as the 9th leading cause of death in Canada.

Majority of suicides are due to some form mental illness.

The statistics speak for themselves, ‘this illness is real’. And not talking about it will not make it go away but will only intensify it’s effect on mankind. I believe that with time, these statistics will keep growing and we are headed for an epidemic that will be out of control. I pray that I am wrong but time will tell. Watch the Clock!

 

Posted on

The Search For The True Me

Please click on the link below or copy and paste in your URL to read another sad story of a young pastor  who lost his life by suicide. https://www.facebook.com/566080522/posts/10160895596230523/

I cannot stop from exposing mental illness, the urgency and desperation that is felt throughout the world, is ever rising. Never before have we lived in a world/society that is so highly stressed; the expectations that are placed upon individuals are overwhelming, the pressure to be the perfect husband, father, wife, mother, professional and provider are just beyond being realistic. We live in a fantasy environment, where we have unrealistic goals set for ourselves by society. WE have sat ourselves up for failure. We are not perfect and we do not live a perfect life, so lets stop pretending! The facebook cookie cutter lifestyle is the pressure cooker for developing poor mental health and self worth. Where will it all end?

Sadly, many who feel they cannot cope with the expectations of  society, the pressures of life and mental illness; turn to desperate measures; drug abuse,  alcohol abuse, suicide and  anything that will kill the hurt and heal the pain. And we wonder why we have a drug problem on our hands, we need not wonder. Our need and drive to be happy, for some can only be found outside themselves. If we are looking and searching outwardly we are setting ourselves up for a big let down. Happiness cannot be found in anything outside ourselves.

But how do we find happiness within ourselves; when all we feel is sadness, emptiness, loneliness, worthlessness and the list can goes on? To begin with; we are not our thoughts or another way of looking at it is, we are not our minds. There is more to me then my mind and my thoughts. I am a being, a living soul, a spiritual being. That part of our being that exist deep, deep down inside us. It’s not an organ of the body but its our Being. Because a thought enters my mind, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is real or true. Many times our thought are distorted and untrue; so we cannot always listen to our thoughts and let them define us.

We find happiness within us by releasing our past, letting it go; no matter how painful. If we hold onto the past we will never heal, we will never move forward. Letting go basically means giving it over to a spiritual power, someone bigger, someone all knowing. Letting Him bear the weight. We don’t have to carry it anymore. 1 Peter 5:7 says, ‘Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.’ And when we do, it’s like a heavy load that we’ve been carrying is lifted.                                                                                                                                                                         Not only do we need to release the past but we also have to give Him(God)  our future. We have no control over what the future holds but we can trust that He will take care of that for us as well. Surrendering our past and future to Him doesn’t come easily or instantaneously; it will take time and practice. We have to learn to trust in Him and all will be well. Matthew 6:25 says, ‘Take no thought for tomorrow(don’t worry); for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself.’ Once we learn to surrender both past and future to Him, then our mental health and spiritual health will flourish.

The greatest lesson I’ve learned in regarding my mental health is, living in the moment, some call it mindfulness. The moment is all we have, the past is gone and the future is not ours to own. This requires taking control of our thoughts; our thoughts will travel both to the past and to the future. But it’s here we have the power within ourselves to control these thoughts. When we travel in either direction we have to bring our thoughts back to the moment; to the here and now. It’s in this moment we will find peace, happiness, joy and contentment; no matter what our past and no matter what the future, we can find happiness right in this moment.

So if you are hurting today, if you are tired from trying to be okay, if life’s expectations have become overwhelming, if you feel you just don’t measure up, if you have an addiction that is out of control and destroying your life, if your past is too painful to go on and your future seems hopeless; don’t give up!  I don’t claim to have all the answers, I don’t, but I do know that with time and God; you can do this. Believe in yourself, you are worth it! I won’t pretend this will be an easy road but you are not alone.

Each of us were put here for a reason, there is a purpose and we will find it. Mine did not come with twenty- eight years of being a business owner but mine came with a lifetime of suffering with a mental illness (major depression and anxiety). Being a business owner was not my purpose in life, it was my job, it did not define who I was on the inside. But now I feel my purpose is to tell others that they can survive and live with a mental illness because I am living proof. I can speak from my heart, from my soul, from my innermost being because I have lived the horror and I can tell you there is hope, there is happiness, there is joy; in spite of it all.

This is an amazing song that  has brought  me much hope!  May you find encouragement, hope and strength in the words and music!

 

Posted on

How Are You?

                                                              I am depressed! That’s not an everyday answer to the question,” How are you?” I think if you answered with that phrase, the other person would go in shock or think you were crazy. The more sociable response would be; I’m doing fine, I’m great, I’m good, etc.  We live in a Society that really doesn’t want to hear the real truth of how you are truly feeling but the more politically correct response. If you are sensitive to negativity and only surround yourself with positive people or if you think negative thoughts are contagious; then you better stop reading and leave this blog. I believe sometimes we mistake pain and hurt for negativity. If I were to say I only have positive thoughts, then I would be lying. If I did, I would be in denial or living in a bubble. All illness, physical or mental, bring with it negativity. We have two forces moving through the universe; negative and positive. And in order to produce electricity we need both. I believe in order to live a balanced life we need both forces to ignite our fire. To say we do not have negative thoughts, then I believe we are suppressing reality. Just as the sun shines, so must the rain fall.

Reality for me is living with negative thoughts, do I choose to live with these thoughts? Do I have a choice about these thoughts? Absolutely not! I don’t have a on/off switch. Who in their right mind (no pun intended) would want to be bombarded by negative thinking. Certainly not me. But that’s what depression is; having more negative thoughts, then positive thoughts. I do my part to keep these thoughts under control when I am at a capable place in my mindset. O well, you might say, “All you have to do is think positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people”. I pray to God it were that easy. That would be like saying to someone who has anorexia, “Just eat food”. It’s not that simple and that’s not the way it works. We have an illness, a brain disorder, and no amount of positive thinking will cure us. I’m hoping and praying that one day, my mind will heal completely, just as if I cut my finger and over time it healed.

My mental illness is much like a physical illness; if gone untreated it will only get worse and maybe even cause death. It is as real and painful has any physical illness. And will not go away on it’s own. “Suicide happens when pain exceeds the ability to cope”(Dianna Paige). People don’t kill themselves; their illness kills them. People are victims of suicide. Suicide is what kills them, their illness is what kills them. So mental illness needs to be treated before it escalates to a point where you have no hope.

How many slang negative terms can you come up with pertaining to mental illness; crazy, psycho, mental, insane, nuts, weird, etc. Now how many negative slang terms can you come up with for cancer? None, there are none. But both of these are illnesses; if you suffer an illness of the mind you are thought to be irrational but if you suffer a physical illness you are honorable, courageous and strong. Mental illness is the only illness that the person is blamed for their illness or lack of recovery.

I’m tired of living in a Society where you get a cast if your arm is broken, but if you have a mental illness, you become an outCAST.  Over the time it took to read this blog, over 20 people from around the world have died by suicide. With the proper support, guidance and care these deaths could have been prevented. It is up to us and is our responsibility to take a stand, end stigma and raise awareness for Mental Illness.

Posted on

SUICIDE

                                                         The most hushed word in the English language, I believe, is the word; SUICIDE! Why are we has a Society so afraid to discuss or even speak the word? It’s almost looked upon has a curse word, a bad word, even when spoken it should be whispered. But after reading this blog I hope our thinking, understanding and compassion toward suicide will take on an whole new perspective and we will see it in an whole new light.

Suicide brings up many questions but few answers. It is my intention to give some of my insight, my opinions into this silent killer. It is my hope that through this blog I may encourage someone that is contemplating suicide to think twice, give yourself another chance, you are worth it, there is hope, someone will listen if you would just reach out.

I have to admit this is not easy for me to do. I would rather not talk about it either, if I had a choice, but what good would that do? My whole purpose in blogging is to help others who are surrounded by this darkness and torment; therefore I have to speak out. It’s our only hope of finding the light and making the sun to shine again.  I remember so vividly when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when there was no hope in sight; all I wanted to do was die and end this hellish existence for everyone concerned.

“Committed Suicide”! Committed brings to mind something bad someone did willfully. It is not my belief that someone who dies of suicide does so willfully. As defined by Google, the word, ‘commit’ means ‘to perpetrate or carry out a mistake, crime or immortal act. You ‘commit’ a crime. Therefore this is a term I try not to use when referring to suicide. Rather than say, ‘someone committed suicide’, it’s more appropriate to say, ‘died from suicide’. Someone who died from suicide did not willfully choose to take their life; if they felt they had a choice they  would choose life. They have reached the point where nothing makes sense anymore. Having no life at all is better than the life they have. Your distorted thinking convinces you; your life is worthless and everyone would be better off without you. You are so exhausted from fighting this battlefield in your mind, that you just can’t fight anymore. When my Dad was dying, some of his last words were, ‘I just want peace’. Dad found that peace from his fight with cancer and is now at rest; no more fighting. The same is true for someone fighting a mental illness, they just want peace. Your voice of reason is gone.

                                                        You may be asking, ” why would you want to talk about suicide so openly and publicly?” And I would ask, ‘Why not?” This is one of the most alarming epidemics facing our society today. And you want me to be quiet about it? I don’t think so! God is at work here! The statistics speak for themselves. “In 2009 there were 3,890 suicides in Canada”. According to the World Health Organization, “Close to 800,000 people die to suicide every year. That works out to be around one person every 40 seconds”.’ In 2015 there were an estimated 788,000 suicide deaths worldwide’. In 2017 this statistic is growing at an alarming rate and will only keep growing. And that is why we have such an alarming drug and alcohol abuse problem in our society today. People will turn to anything to dumb the pain. They are afraid to talk about the way they are really feeling, due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness; forces many to suffer in silence. And to that person who is suffering in silence, I would say, ‘you are not alone’. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will get through this.

If you are someone who have lost a loved one through suicide; there are never going to be enough words for me to help you understand, to take away the pain, to make sense of it all, to dry your tears or to help heal your broken heart. But let’s begin by saying, ‘this is not your fault, there is nothing that you could have done or didn’t do’. Your loved one was very, very ill and I believe something in their brain went terribly wrong and therefore at the point of ending there life; they felt no hope, no way of escape, they wanted to unburden their loved ones of the misery that their illness had brought to their family. Know now that they are finally at PEACE and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that forced them to do this. But rest assured they are now, FINALLY, at PEACE.

I believe that society has come  a long way, when it comes to the way people look at mental illness/suicide. The walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) have somewhat come down. But we still have a long way to go. If you are wondering, well what can I do? My answer would be to educate yourself on what mental illness is, have a better understanding, an open mind and to forget some of the myths, lies, primitive ideas that we have been raised to believe surrounding mental illness and suicide. For example, years ago suicide victims were automatically sent to hell and their bodies would not be buried in a consecrated Church cemetery but were buried on the outside. Now how primitive, self righteous, judgemental and disgraceful can a culture and society be, in order to do such a thing. May God forgive them “for they know not what they do.” Thankfully we have moved forward and have respect for all the deceased; for God is our eternal judge.

One of the best things we can do for someone who is contemplating suicide is to LISTEN.  Listen and show you care, reassure them that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes the best advice we can give, is as little as possible. Sometimes when we have all the right motives in mind and we mean well; we can say exactly what someone that is suicidal does not want to hear. So…listen, love, and never leave that person alone; be there for them. And suggest that maybe they visit a mental health professional or their family doctor, but never without their consent, no surprises. Just be there….

I believe with our limited mental health care in NL the church needs to play a role in helping victims and their families in dealing with suicide and mental illness. To begin that process the Church needs to make its stand on just what they believe concerning mental illness and especially suicide. But the church’s stand on suicide is certainly not clearly defined as of today. If it were it would certainly help in the grieving process for those who  have lost a loved one through suicide. Some Churches have taught that a suicide victim was/is automatically going to hell. It is my belief that it is not clearly stated in scripture the fate of a suicide victim, and therefore we are not in a place to make such a statement. I conclude therefore that the fate of any soul, whether death by suicide or death from any illness, can “only” be decided by God. As believers it is not our responsibility to play judge and jury. But instead, our calling is to bring comfort, mercy, and love to all those affected by suicide and leave the rest to God.

Today I consider myself an advocate for mental illness. I am not a medical professional, nor do I have all the answers but my lifetime with a mental illness has given me experience, wisdom and knowledge that I would have never obtained otherwise. I have insight into what this illness can do, how it affects the individual themselves,their families and their caregivers. This illness can destroy marriages, friendships, relationships and lives. It is my prayer that I could be used to help others , bring healing to the hurting and restoration to the broken. I am a vessel that’s broken, but daily I am putting the pieces back together and you can too.

Posted on

“Tis The Season To Be Jolly”

For countless thousands around the world, those suffering from Depression, this season is not so jolly. When you suffer from depression, no amount of Christmas cheer can change how you feel  on the inside. The expectations, the hustle and bustle, the financial strain, etc. just exasperate the way you feel. Rather than making you feel better, it just adds “fuel to the fire”. And in the end; just makes you feel worse. Let me be honest and speak from my heart and give you some insight on what it feels like to suffer from depression in this most joyous season of the year. This is not being a pessimist but a realist.

I awaken this morning, with no time to decide on how I will feel; but instead I have this overwhelming, sad, empty, heavy urge to just cry. A grown, fifty-three (I mean 29) year old man who just wants to cry. What’s wrong with that? It’s certainly not “normal” and it’s certainly not the way I would choose to wake up. I just want this constant, tormenting illness to go away.There’s nothing I want more than  to enjoy life, not endure it. If I’m bringing you “down” please click the delete button.

Some of you are reading this and you have never experienced what I’m talking about, well good for you, I’m happy for you! The only time you have ever felt sad was when you lost a loved one (and for good reason), something tragic or devastating happened or some alarming trigger.. But for someone suffering from clinical depression, your life experiences have little to do with the way you feel. You suffer from an illness, like all illness (whether physical or mental) ;  you can’t wish it away, command it away, you can’t deny it away. All the positive thinking in the world will not change the way you feel deep down inside, a place where no one else can see. It is what it is; an illness.

But for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about and I know you are out there. You may not be as open about talking about your illness as I am but that’s okay but just make sure you talk to someone. Don’t try to handle this by yourself; it can’t be done. Talk to someone. And don’t ever feel you are the only one that feels this way. It’s one of the world’s best kept secrets. And that is why we have such a drug, alcohol and suicide epidemic on our hands that will only get worse. People are afraid to talk about the way they are feeling due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness. When you suffer from this illness you will try anything to numb the pain, to relieve the hurt; I know because I have been there and still struggle today.

I know what it is to think that your family would be better off without you. You would improve their life if you weren’t in it. You could end this suffering and escape the pain and torment, once and for all. But don’t believe that lie, the pain will subside, you will improve. You just have to realize that with this illness, some days are going to be really rough. But you will have good days again. I have been suffering for over five years now, things have gotten better. Today is a really rough day but you see, this too shall pass. I cannot loose hope and neither can you.

We will beat this; one day, one hour,  one minute at a time. And remember you are loved; God loves you and so do I. Life is worth living, In spite of our illness. Don’t  put too much pressure on yourself; it’s okay, not to feel okay. There’s no one that feels okay all the time, no one is exempt. So chin up, shoulders back; “Tis the Season to be Jolly”. We can do this!

 

 

Posted on

Surviving Christmas?

I have to write, there’s so many thoughts going through my head; I have to write, to escape, to free my mind. It’s that time of the year when “all is merry and bright”. The media portrays it’s the most magical, loving, and giving time of the year. And it could be to some extent. A time when family are all united, past hurts forgotten and love flows like milk and honey. Is this the reality or wishful thinking; an unattainable expectation? A fantasy land!

Oh how I wish the reality of Christmas could be nothing but peace on earth, love to all and all is well. But for many this is not the reality. Christmas can be the most lonely, stressful, misinterpreted time of the whole year. Especially for those who have lost a loved one, are suffering chronic or terminal illness or who feel all alone; in a society that’s filled with expectations that are far beyond the reality of what Christmas is meant to be.

For those (myself included) who suffer from depression; Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s a time when you are expected to be happy, excited, full of anticipation and joy. But really that’s not how you feel, you feel the total opposite and of course with that come feelings of guilt because you don’t feel the way you are expected to feel. But don’t be too hard on yourself, because you have this illness doesn’t mean that Christmas is going to make it go away. Just know that you will get through this; this too shall pass. The actual day will pass, much like a birthday; just another day.

Recently I was private messaged a question that I wish there was a concrete answer for. How do I survive the Holiday Season? Statistics show that the rate of suicides at this ‘Merry’ time of the year, is so much higher than any other time of the year. Thousands of homeless; remain homeless, Christmas doesn’t change that. Countless people are starving and will sadly starve; but the Christmas spirit still moves on despite world hunger. War still rages through countries with no hope of peace, no end to conflict. Terrorists attacks and evil will still move through our land, even when Christmas offers us peace, hope and love.

Truthfully the only real  means and hope of surviving the “Holiday Season” is by embracing the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not all about us, but about the one who came to bring hope, love and inward peace; that being the birth of Jesus. So we have to shift our focus from us to Him!  Amidst all the commercialization and rush to buy, buy, buy; it’s easy to loose our focus on what the true meaning of ‘Christmas’ is. But may we remember to redirect our thoughts to what’s important this Christmas. It’s not about the hustle and bustle but the time spent with those we love, the quiet times, being thankful for what we do have and not wallowing in what we don’t have. Truly reflect on the good that is still out there and may we do our part to spread that good cheer to those who are hurting this Christmas. That is the true meaning of Christmas!

It’s not about surviving the Christmas Season but embracing it and finding the good in all the little miracles that are still all around us. Just has God sent His Son this Christmas Season to be the Prince of Peace. May you know in your heart once again; that inward peace that can only come from your Creator.

Posted on

How Do You Get That Lonely


Just came across this song today by Blaine Larsen- How Do I Get That Lonely? To have written a song such as this, he must have experienced in one way or another the magnitude of the lyrics of this song and it’s topic. It’s so amazing how he wrote about suicide but never once mentioned the word itself. It is so well written that I was impressed upon to write it in a blog because I can totally relate to the songs questions because I know what it’s like to get that lonely. (Not saying I have all the answers pertaining to this illness).

Getting to this point doesn’t happen overnight. And no one is to blame. But inside your head, there is something quite not right, something as gone terribly wrong. It stops working to a point where you cannot reason or your ability to concentrate and focus is distorted. Nothing makes sense anymore. Having no life at all is better than the life you have.Your distorted thinking convinces you; your life is worthless and everyone would be better off without you. You are so exhausted from fighting this battlefield in your mind, that you just can’t fight anymore.

The hurt you feel is beyond description, the torment never ends. What can stop this nightmare, how can I escape? Your options are running out. The medical field is a must at this point. I prayed with every drug, cocktail of drugs, various therapy, ECT, acupuncture; that I would find some relief, that God would intervene and provide a way of escape.

The loneliness and isolation you felt was beyond words. You could be in a room filled with the best of friends but you felt all alone and just wanted to run.

The emptiness you felt was overflowing. A body with no soul. A life with no hope. You prayed to an empty God; a God that did not hear or feel. But this is so far from the truth. Because standing somewhere in the shadows, He was there and that’s why I am still here today. To tell others of the horrific and unexplainable torture of this illness.

So, to end this hellish existence, one reaches a point of no alternative but to join the angels in the sky and spread their wings and fly. It is my belief (and this is my right) that the God of mercy, love, and grace embraces them in His arms of peace and eternal comfort. Now finally free of the hell on earth but present with the Lord.

I can try to explain the alarming epidemic of suicide in Canada and the World today but I think the statistics speak for themselves. “In 2009 there were 3,890 suicides in Canada’. According to the World Health Organization, “Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. Around one person every 40 seconds”. In 2015 there were an estimated 788,000 suicide deaths worldwide”. In 2017 this statistic is growing at an alarming rate and will only keep growing. Open your eyes people, it won’t always be someone else’s family.

How do you get that lonely?
How do you get that bad?
How do you feel so empty?
How do you get that lonely….and nobody knows.
I pray that God will now use my mended but scarred mind to help put back to pieces, the lives of others.

Posted on

Depression is a Choice! Words Matter!

Be careful the words you say…. they could kill!

The Bob’s of the world are out there and they believe that we have a choice. We choose to be depressed. I am so tired of hearing this and then there’s ‘be strong’. Are you trying to say I am weak? I’m sick! How can you be depressed, you have everything going for you? You have a beautiful wife, beautiful kids, a nice house, etc.. What’s your problem? I don’t have a problem, I have an illness. If I won the lottery today, it would not make any difference to my mental health; that’s not the way depression works.

We are not talking about someone who is down because their cat died or a down day; feeling a bit blue. Everybody have days like that but what I’m talking about is a neurological, biological, chemical issue with their brain and they don’t know what’s going on, they are scared to death. The last thing you need is someone minimizing, misunderstanding and misjudging you.

The thing about clinical/major depression is people on the outside cannot see it. You don’t wear it on your chest (you probably should, then people might get it). You wear a smile on your face and put on a fascade that you could win an Academy Award. That person appears great and then they kill themselves. But they looked and seemed fine the last time I saw them! We can fake it to the bitter end  if we think we have to. We don’t wear our depression on our skin like a rash. To preserve our pride, dignity, our ego; to hide from the Bob’s. Don’t listen to these people who think they have all the answers; the Bob’s of the world, they will always be. But don’t take it personally.

Let me paint you a dark picture Bob. You might walk around self righteous, in your “good” mental state and say something ignorant to a friend or family member (who is suffering from depression), that you make them feel so embarrassed, ashamed, so unworthy of their illness, insecure that they are not stable like you, that they might go and kill themselves. You might have killed someone; that’s what ‘words’ can do.

So if you don’t know what you’re talking about; shut up! I know we have the well do’ers who think they’re helping by saying certain things like; ‘be strong’, ‘think positive’, ‘you don’t have anything to be depressed about. You’ve been blessed if you have not been clinically depressed or dealt with major depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we are not that fortunate. So saying something hurtful (maybe not intentionally meaning too) but you say it anyway; can push that person over the edge. So be careful what you say, is it really going to do some good or will it harm someone, think before you speak. Some of us don’t have that luxury of choosing to be well, it just happens and out of our control.

We all need to look out to each other, we all matter, each life matters. The people that are depressed, didn’t ask to be depressed. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. And pray, pray you never get depressed. If I could pass this illness over to you for just one moment; you would never say something insensitive, mean, ignorant, cold ever again.

So overlook the “Bob’s” of the world. You matter, what you feel is real. Embrace the people that understand and truly care. You’re going to be ok! Don’t listen to the Bob’s of the world but listen to your own heart. And to the Bob’s of the world; SHUT UP! WORDS MATTER!

Posted on

The Cold, Hard Truth About Mental Illness, Depression and Suicide

  1. II thank God for social media because it gives me a voice, a means to tell my story to others who need to hear it.

Up until recently, I thought that society had come a long way when it comes to the way people look at mental  illness and suicide. I thought the walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) had come down somewhat. And maybe they have to a certain point but we have such a long way to go.

You may ask, why would you go on such a public forum and talk about something so stigmatised and controversial? A topic many would not even talk about because of fear and shame. Well, I have nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of and if I can help save the life of one person; it would make it all worth while. So I speak out once again!

To the person who is suffering in silence, you are not alone. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will; ‘rise again’!

I don’t get up in the morning and say, “I think I’ll have a crappy day today, that would be so much fun”. NO! I awake with panic, a flow of an hot sensation all through my body, accompanied by fear. I get up and struggle through most of the day, hoping this will be a “good day”. It is not “a choice” as some would say or think. Your broken mind is misfiring and happy thoughts don’t come naturally. The chemical imbalance in your brain causes you to see darkness, hopelessness, helplessness and constant negative thoughts that a “normal” brain would not feel. Don’t get excited and think you’re normal – there is no such thing; we all have something, none of us are perfect.

Then there’s the “myth” that it’s the devil making you feel this way. Well let’s not give the devil so much credit! This is not a spiritual battle going on in my head, no more then someone with cancer fighting a spiritual battle, they are fighting an illness and so are people with a mental diagnosis. Yes, I believe as sin entered the world, so did sickness. It’s far beyond my mental ability to understand the “WHY?” I don’t know why God allows this to happen, why I’m sick, why some die by  suicide, why some have cancer and the list goes on. But God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. We cannot see the big picture because our thinking is so small compared to that of an all knowing God. And that’s where I leave it; to God! It’s not for me to say or judge, that’s His department. I just need to trust that He knows best.

Then there’s suicide. What? You are going to talk about suicide? Yes, indeed I am. The ancient myths, lies, opinions and beliefs about suicide are sickening and primitive. It’s time to open our mouths (we use it for everything else) and our eyes, minds, and hearts. I am/was borderline suicidal, when I was at the acute stage of my illness. I prayed to God to just let me die and end all this pain and torment. I could not come to do it myself, not that I’m any stronger then the next person but I believe God as another plan for me and that’s why I’m still here. To be an advocate, a voice; to help others and their caregivers and to give insight on what this illness really is all about. Some statements that I have heard over the years are: 1. If they took their own life, they must be going to hell. 2. That is such a selfish thing to do. 3. They could not have thought about their family and the impact it would have on them. These statements would definitely come from someone who has no idea, no knowledge about the illness and never walked in their shoes.

First of all, the pain and torment that this illness brings is unbearable and you feel the only escape, the only way out is suicide. You see no hope, only a dark tunnel with no light at the end. You get so desperate and so tired of fighting, until all your strength is gone; you have nothing left but flesh and bones, no ability to reason. Thus death is your only way to find peace. Also this is not a selfish act or cowardly way out as some would say but quite the opposite. It is a way to relieve your caregivers of the burden you have brought into their lives. It’s a way to free them of the worry, pain and suffering you have afflicted on them. So you are convinced that they would be better off without you. You are doing them a favour. For those of you who have suffered a lost of a loved one, know now that they are finally at peace and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that made them do this. The real person that they were, is now at peace with the angels and are watching over you from afar.

I hope in some small way I have shed some light on this so misunderstood and complicated disease. May we all find compassion, love and forgiveness and  look at mental illness in an whole new light. And may we never be quick to pass judgement on anyone suffering with a mental illness, until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes. May God open our minds and hearts to be our “brothers keeper”.