Tag: hope

Posted on

This Recovering Mental Illness

J                                                       The day is almost over, night settles in bringing with it it’s darkness. But the day was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and bitter coldness. The week itself felt like the Battle of Armageddon. Along with all the everyday battles and struggles, my war was raging on the inside. I’m not referring to a spiritual war; evil against good, but a war between sad and happy, abnormal and normal, unfulfilled and fulfilled, worthless and worthy, hopeless and hopeful. Where do I stop, when will it stop?

When my doctor told me, almost six years ago, that I had an incurable illness, a long uphill climb and the likelihood of returning to work was a long  way down the road. I thought he was nuts (no pun intended). He told me to apply for Canada Pension Disability. Why would I need to do that, I’ll be better in a couple of months? I guess I have to swallow my pride once again and  admit that he was right and I was way off base. Because after the week that I just endured, I realize this ugly disease still ravishes my mind and body and can attack at any moment; even after six years.

Trying to accept the reality of what is, overwhelms me like a raging tsunami. I feel like the Israelites who wandered in  the desert for forty years and not unlike the Israelites, I probably do my share of questioning, grumbling and complaining. Why God have you brought me into this desert to die? I am still searching for that purpose, that reason why I am where I am at this stage in my life. This is so far from my plans (our plans). I would have never said in a million years.

But who am I? Why not me? There are no respect of persons. It rains on the just and the unjust. I just feel there are holes in my umbrella and I’m soaking wet. I long for the rain to hold up and the sun to break through the clouds. His grace is sufficient for me, or is it? There are days I have my doubts but that’s not His fault. This road sure isn’t perfectly straight and flat but many are the twists, turns and pot holes. I just pray everyday that He’ll guide us over this road of life and one day will bring us safely to our destination.

I guess after suffering and fighting this illness for so long, when I still have bad days or weeks; still makes me nervous. I should be better by now, is my wishful thinking. But my illness was very serious and therefore more complex the recovery and that doesn’t happen overnight. I was hoping by now that my recovery would be more advanced, that I would be further along on my healing journey. But I have no control over what will be, I only hope for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Surviving Christmas?

I have to write, there’s so many thoughts going through my head; I have to write, to escape, to free my mind. It’s that time of the year when “all is merry and bright”. The media portrays it’s the most magical, loving, and giving time of the year. And it could be to some extent. A time when family are all united, past hurts forgotten and love flows like milk and honey. Is this the reality or wishful thinking; an unattainable expectation? A fantasy land!

Oh how I wish the reality of Christmas could be nothing but peace on earth, love to all and all is well. But for many this is not the reality. Christmas can be the most lonely, stressful, misinterpreted time of the whole year. Especially for those who have lost a loved one, are suffering chronic or terminal illness or who feel all alone; in a society that’s filled with expectations that are far beyond the reality of what Christmas is meant to be.

For those (myself included) who suffer from depression; Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s a time when you are expected to be happy, excited, full of anticipation and joy. But really that’s not how you feel, you feel the total opposite and of course with that come feelings of guilt because you don’t feel the way you are expected to feel. But don’t be too hard on yourself, because you have this illness doesn’t mean that Christmas is going to make it go away. Just know that you will get through this; this too shall pass. The actual day will pass, much like a birthday; just another day.

Recently I was private messaged a question that I wish there was a concrete answer for. How do I survive the Holiday Season? Statistics show that the rate of suicides at this ‘Merry’ time of the year, is so much higher than any other time of the year. Thousands of homeless; remain homeless, Christmas doesn’t change that. Countless people are starving and will sadly starve; but the Christmas spirit still moves on despite world hunger. War still rages through countries with no hope of peace, no end to conflict. Terrorists attacks and evil will still move through our land, even when Christmas offers us peace, hope and love.

Truthfully the only real  means and hope of surviving the “Holiday Season” is by embracing the true meaning of Christmas. It’s not all about us, but about the one who came to bring hope, love and inward peace; that being the birth of Jesus. So we have to shift our focus from us to Him!  Amidst all the commercialization and rush to buy, buy, buy; it’s easy to loose our focus on what the true meaning of ‘Christmas’ is. But may we remember to redirect our thoughts to what’s important this Christmas. It’s not about the hustle and bustle but the time spent with those we love, the quiet times, being thankful for what we do have and not wallowing in what we don’t have. Truly reflect on the good that is still out there and may we do our part to spread that good cheer to those who are hurting this Christmas. That is the true meaning of Christmas!

It’s not about surviving the Christmas Season but embracing it and finding the good in all the little miracles that are still all around us. Just has God sent His Son this Christmas Season to be the Prince of Peace. May you know in your heart once again; that inward peace that can only come from your Creator.

Posted on

My Prayer For Today

Dear God,
I know I’m not asking too much; for nothing is impossible with you.

May I find sunshine through the clouds.
Light in the darkness.
Wisdom for my unanswered questions.
Hope, when it seems all hope is gone.
Faith when my faith is small.
Healing for all my hurts and ills.
Forgiveness to move on.
And love when I just need a hug.

So God,
If you’re listening today and you decide to answer my prayer;

May I spread sunshine to someone else’s cloudy day.
Shine my light to illuminate the darkness.
Wisdom to help someone find their way.
Spread hope to those feeling hopeless.
Offer faith that can move mountains.
Healing for those who are hurting and in pain.
Help others to find forgiveness.
May I never be afraid to give someone a hug; for God is Love

Thanks God,
Harris

Posted on

Writer’s Block

I think I have writer’s block! But I decided it’s time to write anyway. I’m sure has I start writing, I’ll have lots to share. I think I’ll answer some questions I have roaming around in my head and update you on what’s happening and how I’m progressing on this journey of mine. To say the least it’s been a roller coaster ride and not the fun kind.

Why do I blog, why do I invest in my time to write and what’s a blog anyway? A blog is really the publishing of one’s thoughts, activities and happenings on the internet. Much like journalling but journalling is for personal viewing only; a private writing of your thoughts into a book rather than on the internet. Blogging and journally are both a very effective form of therapy for individuals that need an outlet to release your thoughts and feelings. Whether that be a private journal or a public blog. My doctor recommended I start journalling a long time ago. I did that for a while but then I realized I wanted to share my journey with others and in the process may help others who are walking this same road. So here I am sharing my life with you.

I guess it’s time for a little update on my progress or regression, whatever it might be. A few weeks ago it felt like regression but in reality I cannot honestly say that I am where I would like to be. After five years, I still struggle every day. My nightsleeps are always interrupted with thoughts of panic and fear. Mornings are still a ‘fight for my life’ battle from within my head. I manage with a lot of self-talk, mindfulness (being in the moment) and being aware of my breathing.

A few weeks ago I became very tired, frustrated and discouraged; I was sick of being sick! So I thought I’d take matters into my own hands and take action before this escalated any further. It is one of my greatest fears that my ugly illness will show itself in all of it’s fury once again and I cannot let that happen. I’M AFRAID I WOULD NEVER SURVIVE ANOTHER RELAPSE OF THIS MAGNITUDE EVER AGAIN. So immediately I called my psychiatrist office, expecting to get in immediately (silly me). I certainly would not have called if I had thought this was not an urgent matter. The earliest, the secretary said, “is September 28th” which is my original appointment anyway. So I said in hopelessness and urgency to put me on a wait list; so far….no call!

Coincidentally I had an appointment made with my family doctor for the following day. When I visited him I told him of my issue with my psychiatrist. My doctor, sensing my desperation, assured me he could help. I was, at the time, on 187.5mg of effexor. He thought he should increase by 37.5mg until I reached a maximum of 300mg. I left feeling much encouraged and with an hope that an increase would help. I have now reached my 300mg dose for each day. Now I’m living in hopes that this dosage is going to improve my condition and I’ll feel better. But all in time. So now I wait. AGAIN!

But on the other hand, I am doing so much better than I have in the past. I now have longer periods of time when I feel the sunshine. Days when “hope springs eternal”, meaning; “it is human nature to always find fresh cause for optimism”. So for that I am so grateful and thankful. And pray to God that I will never go back to that cold, dark, ugly place that once I was. All we have to do is hang in there (that’s not easy to do) and never give up.

Posted on

Finding the Light

After several visits to my physcritrist, after my latest severe relapse about 5 years ago; he started talking about filling out the papers to apply for Canada Pension Disability. What was he talking about? This is a doctor not a social worker. Why would I be needing that anyways? Give me a few months and I’d be back on my feet, as good as new. But he knew the difference, he knew my history and knew the severity of this breakdown. I would not be going back to work anytime soon, if ever.

You talk about panic sitting in, like the waves of the ocean come flowing over me. This is not the case, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about I thought. But now five years later and still not back to work; I guess he did know what he was talking about. Why couldn’t he be wrong, just this once; for my sake, for my families sake?

If there ever was a time when I needed to work; it would be now. With two children and my wife off work on sick leave. But knowing in my mind that this would be the last thing I could do on this earth. As bad as I want to and need to, I would not be able to.

So the question remains; which could change my life tremendously is; is there a cure for my illness, major depression and anxiety disorder? I am now speaking for myself and my diagnosis (not for anyone else because everyone’s illness is different. In reality there is no cure for my illness. Looking at my outward appearance at present, one would think that I am in full recovery. Oh I wish that were the case. There is nothing I would pray for more (other then Lauren’s healing) than to be fully recovered. But people look at me and say, “but you look so good”. And I say, “thank-you” but what you see is not what you get. For on the inside my struggle, my war still rages; on a lesser scale but none the less, still there.

I will compare my illness to that of a diabetic. You have diabetes, you keep it under control, but there is no cure. You maintain your levels on a day to day basis. So it is with my illness, I take it one day at a time and that’s all I can ask for. Dr Douglas Bloch, well known author and psychiatrist says this,”Depression is a relapsing condition, we cannot cure it but we can manage the symptoms”.

Just as with other genetic transferred illnesses, mine was passed on to me at birth. I always knew from a young age, that there was something not right. That’s why at sixteen I had a mental breakdown and suffered other relapses throughout my lifetime. I don’t remember too many times when I was not on an antidepressant. It plagued me my whole life. It was like taming a lion, sometimes it would settle down but other times it came forth in full fury.

So, for now I have to keep my symptoms under control. And watch for warning signs such as; loss of appetite, disruption in sleep patterns, feelings like you are losing control, withdrawing or isolating from others and feelings of hopelessness. If these start to surface than I know something’s wrong.

I wish I didn’t have to be honest and real about my illness; I wish I could paint a prettier picture and say, yes there is a cure but I believe that would be like saying,”there’s a cure for cancer”. Truth to be told, in the recesses of my mind loomes the ugly reality of this disease. If you are one of the lucky ones who feel have beaten or cured from this illness, then I am happy for you; very happy! But for the majority of us we have to accept the fact that this illness is not going away totally. Just like my heart disease, mitral valve prolapse; ain’t going away. Or Lauren’s cerebral palsy; ain’t going away. But without a miraculous healing, we will live life above our illness and not be defined by them. Lauren is a typical four year old little girl who has dreams and aspirations just like any other little girl. Maybe with a few more challenges and obstacles, she will rise above it and “shine her light.”
i

And has with my own illness, I will rise above it and shine the light. Amidst all the stigma, misinformed persons, people with “perfect” mental health, people who have all the answers, an illness that is so misunderstood and unexplainable; I will be the light for others. After all the blogs I’ve written, I feel I have only scratched the surface. We will find a cure, we will find the light.

By accepting the fact that there is no cure for my illness, doesn’t mean that I have given up or given in to this illness or have loss all hope. It just means I am not in denial anymore, it is what it is. Just like someone having cancer, you don’t want to believe it or accept it but in the process you finally realize the harsh truth and reality. We never loose hope, no matter what the diagnosis or prognosis. The energy and strength we put into fighting the reality of our illness, we can now put into fighting the illness itself. And that’s when the light starts to shine, glimmers of hope, a speckle of light at the end of the tunnel, it’s then we find “the light”.

Posted on

The Do’s and Dont’s of Depression and Anxiety

Sitting at Robin’s waiting for a call from the Garage to come pick up the van. One of the most difficult things for me to do is just sit here and relax. An hint of panic sets in and is telling me to run, get out but I don’t listen. I am now in control of my thoughts not the other way around, like it use to be when I was in the acute stage of my illness. So I choose to sit and write instead. I have learned so much on this journey, so I thought I would share some do’s and dont’s of major depression and anxiety.

Let’s start with the do’s that helped me along my journey.First, make up your mind that you are going to get better, be determined that this will not last forever. That you will beat this and set your mind to this and don’t settle for nothing less. Be strong even when you feel weak! Repeat to yourself every day, “I am going to get better; one day, one hour, one minute at a time”.

A must for recovery is we must reach out for support. We are not meant to walk this road of life alone, we cannot survive in isolation. It is human nature to crave love, acceptance and understanding from others.

Thirdly, we must do our best to care for our physical body. “Healthy body, healthy mind”. Eating well would be the first step. For me this was the last thing I wanted to do, I lost my appetite completely. But I knew if I was going to get well, I had to eat. So I forced myself to eat small portions but often. And gradually, over time my appetite got much better. Then getting a restful night sleep is very important to healing our minds. I went through periods where I couldn’t sleep at all (my doctor did prescribe a sleeping pill for those times), then there were times when all I wanted to do was sleep. It was those times that I pushed myself out of bed and move, just move. Exercise would play a part in getting well; but who wanted to exercise when they didn’t have the energy or willpower to move. But I started with baby steps, my first walk lasted for five minutes and that seemed overwhelming but I did it and gradually I worked up to now, a year later, walking forty-five minutes too one hour. So take care of yourself physically so you can heal mentally.

Create structure in your life. Start with little things. For example, make your bed every morning, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. Then move to the outside world; go to the Post Office, grocery store, library, the park, etc. Before long you will have developed a life of structure and purpose.

Lastly, remind yourself, whenever needed, that, “this too shall pass”. Whatever you are experiencing right now, no matter how bad; it will not last. Nothing lasts forever.

Then there are the dont’s of dealing with depression and anxiety. The pain and despair you feel is unbearable, you look for relief where ever you can find it. Some in positive ways but some turn to negative alternatives by self medicating. You turn to drugs and alcohol but this can only lead to worsening of your symptoms. And the benefits (if any) are only short term; a band-aid solution.

A second “don’t” is, do not isolate. It is very often common for people suffering from this illness to hide from everyone; to go into seclusion. Not wanting to associate with family or friends, this will never work toward your healing. We are pack animals and we need the interaction of others to survive.

At the acute stage of your illness it is best not to make any major decisions. Such things as selling/buying an house, getting married/divorced, moving to a new city or changing jobs. You are in no frame of mind to make such decisions, so wait until you are in the recovery stage and feeling much better and your brain is more alert/aware.

Fourthly, do not neglect your physical needs. When you are so preoccupied with your mental state, it is so easy to forget your physical needs; eating habits, exercise, sleep, etc. Your mental well being, solely depends on your physical state, both depend on each other for survival.

Then the last “don’t” is a one that I struggle with everyday. That is,don’t ask the question; “When Will This End?”. Everyone is different and no one knows the answer to this question, so don’t ask! Live one day at a time, never dwell on the past and never look too far in the future. Live in the moment!

Those are just some thoughts I have learned over time. I hope this will give you some guidance and assurance that; “this too shall pass”. Life will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just wait and see!

Posted on

Relapse Prevention

Depression like addiction is an ongoing  chronic condition that is subject to repeated episodes. My first episode was when I was only sixteen , I remember very little about this time. I do remember I spent most of my time asleep and could not function. Totally shut down. I also remember going to the doctor and have him send me home with no help whatsoever. He just said, “there is no medications available for teenagers or youth. There was no help, I had to sink or swim and I was sinking fast; drowning in my own despair!

Recovery from depression is not a one time event, it is an ongoing process. Getting out of depression happens in two stages; 1. You have to get out of hell, 2. You have to stay out of hell. The best way to prevent a relapse is to closely monitor your own feelings and mood.

The beginning stage of a relapse is disruption of sleep, appetite change, more tired, worrying, apathetic, etc. Being aware of these early signs and nipping them in the bud, before they escalate into something worse is a must.

The second stage of a relapse is called “beginning of a crisis” when things are shutting down. When symptoms are interfering with your everyday  functioning. Reach out for support; call your doctor, your therapist  or anyone you know that can help you through this. This stage is my greatest fear because you feel like you are loosing control again. And you are heading back to that ugly place where you never want to go again. This stage doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where you’re headed. It’s your body and mind saying, “you come first, take care of yourself”. Before you ever get to stage three you need to be proactive.

This is stage three where you don’t want to be ever again. But if you do, don’t loose hope! You will get through this; you’ve done this before.  This is where you can’t function anymore, you become disabled; a full blown relapse. It’s here you may need to go back in the hospital. Or have someone  to take care of you at home. But you will pull through this again. Just don’t give up the fight,never loose hope.

Throughout my lifetime I have had many second stage relapses or episodes as I would call them. Where I became very depressed and required  medical attention. A visit to my doctor usually to tweek my medication and in a few months I’m doing fairly well again. Most of those times I am still at a functioning level. I ran my own business for about 28 years. Take a few days off,here and there, and do a lot of self-talk, family and friends support and pray.

My last episode was a full blown relapse where I was hospitalized, various treatments, medications and a period of time when I didn’t want to fight anymore; I just wanted to die. It as taken me four years to crawl out of this abyss. To say the least this as been a battlefield of the mind. I have fought with every ounce of strength I have.

These pass few days have been very fearful for me; it’s my greatest fear in life that I would relapse. I’ve been doing fairly well for the last few months. But this week as been rough, I am feeling more emotional than usual, uneasy, a feeling that you know inside that something is just not right. You have to push yourself more than usual.  I’m hoping that it’s a trigger that I’m facing and not a full blown relapse. You see our dog, Brady, passed away a few days ago and maybe what  I’m feeling is grief and loneliness. He was not “just” a dog, he was a part of our family for twelve years. So I pray to God, in all His mercy, that He will not put me through a relapse ever again. And that I will overcome this battle once again! Maybe this is just a bump in the road.