Tag: harris tucker

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Comfort in Trouble

It basically took me a lifetime of suffering with depression to realize that there was probably a good reason for all this pain. It could not have all been in vain and nothing good could come out of it all. There had to be a reason, a purpose, for all this misery that depression and anxiety had brought to my life. The fire of this illness had consumed me to nothing but ashes. But out of the ashes there will come some good.

I was reminded of this very fact when I recently read this from a devotional, which said, ‘The tough things we experience can help us understand others, relate to others and gain valuable resources with which we can help others’. I knew there had to be something positive hidden under all those ashes. And when I started digging, I realized what it was. To help others! I believe that the most effective person that could help someone with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; is someone who as walked down the same road.

I may not have all the answers but I can feel the pain, feel the hurt and listen without judgement. And I am someone who totally ‘gets it’, I understand where you are. When others don’t understand, not because they don’t care but because they haven’t been there; they aren’t where you are and therefore just cannot fully comprehend what it is you are going through.

In recent years I have dealt with more hurt, pain and trials then I have in all my lifetime combined. And I have often asked God, ‘why?’. Why do I have to experience so much tribulation?And I’m sure in your own situations you have questioned God and asked, ‘why?’. And the only answer I could find is found in 2 Corinthians 1:4 “God comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble”.

I guess God had it all figured out before I even existed. I learned two life lessons from this Bible verse. One is that God comforts me in all my tribulation. So no matter what  my troubles are, I can be assured that God will comfort me no matter the circumstances that I might find myself in. He is present in the rain and the sunshine. Secondly, I believe God knew in order for us to be touched by someone else’s infirmities; we would have to experience them for ourselves. Because I have a mental illness, I can be a comfort to someone else who is dealing with a mental illness themselves. Nothing brings me greater pleasure, a feeling of accomplishment and self worth; as does when I have encouraged and offered support, hope and comfort to someone else.

So mental illness; you haven’t beaten me down, you haven’t destroyed me, you haven’t had the last word. You have not won!  God will bring light out of the darkness, good out of the bad and comfort out of our tribulations and trouble. In Him will I trust!

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My 8 Symptoms of Clinical Depression and Major Anxiety

I just recently published a blog entitled; ‘My Will To Live’. This was a blog about one of the most serious symptoms of Depression and that being, it takes away your will to live. And sad to say, for many this can lead to suicide. This symptom gradually eats away at your will, your desire to live. The pain of living is too overwhelming. But as sufferers and I’m speaking for myself, we have to find a way to overpower our thinking and realize that life is worth living. Dealing with this symptom alone is enough to kill the spirit of the strongest person on earth. But along with this symptom comes many more. I would just like to elaborate on some of these symptoms and give you my own personal experience and the way in which I dealt with each symptom. I hope this can help you on your journey of hope through this hellish illness.

Another symptom that I struggled with is; trouble concentrating, remembering details, memory loss, making decisions and loosing train of thought. When I  was at the worse stage of my illness, I could not read a book, watch television or work on my computer because I could not concentrate long enough to focus on what it was I was reading or watching. My memory was minimal, especially around the time I was having  ECT  treatments. I have large blocks of my life that I don’t remember and I still struggle today with my memory. And connected to memory loss would be loosing my train of thought. I could be in the middle of a conversation and not remember what I was talking about. So today I cannot trust to my memory, if I need to remember something, I have to write it down. This can be very scary when you cannot trust your own brain.

Fatigue was and is a symptom that plagued my life. I had zero energy, my fuel tank was running on empty. You knew you had to do something, like go for a walk, but you had no idea how you were going to get the strength to do it. So I started with baby steps, I didn’t start by running a marathon. I started by doing a five minute walk, now at the time that seemed impossible but I had to start somewhere and I gradually worked my way up. I remember lying on the sofa and Logan pulling on my finger to play with him. There was nothing I wanted to do more but there were times when my mind and body just could not do it. Today I still fight fatigue but not to the extent that I did then.

Then there were the feelings (and they were real)  of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness. I had no self worth, no hope of escaping this hell, no personality, no self confidence and no way of helping myself back to ‘myself’. I existed as a physical being and nothing else. These symptoms dragged me down to death’s door but thankfully that door didn’t open. I still struggle with these feelings but I realize that’s what they are; feelings. And today I realize these feelings cannot hurt me and I can, with God’s help, rise above them.

Most people dealing with major depression find they either sleep too much or they cannot sleep at all or very little. I think I suffered with both . When I was very acute I slept what seemed to be always. But then I went through a stage where I could not sleep at all and I believe this was due to my anxiety being so high. Either way, neither were very pleasant to deal with. Today I sleep fairly well with the aid of prescribed  medication, which I would not want to be without.

Another bothersome symptom is you either overeat or appetite loss. Therefore you either gain a lot of weight or you loose a lot of weight. For me I loss my appetite completely. I would sit at the table and look at my plate and wonder how am I ever going to eat that. But I knew if I were going to improve, I had to eat, so I would force myself to do so. After months, my appetite did return. But during my time of appetite loss, I was a walking corpse; skin over bones. But thank God today I even have a ‘pop belly’. And I will never complain over that. Just thankful that I now can eat.

One very common symptom with depression is an overwhelming sense of sadness. And because of being sad, you have the uncontrollable desire to be very emotional and crying frequently. And lots of times you didn’t even know why you were crying. But I believe there was healing in my tears, they helped to express the way I was really feeling.

A symptom that was very evident in me was , I loss all interest in everything. The things I loved to do, I now had absolutely no interest in doing anymore. One example and it’s also a symptom is I did not want to socialize anymore. I felt all alone in a crowded room of family and friends. I would prefer to isolate, which is very common in major depression. But I knew I could not do this for an extended period of time. If I were going to improve; I had to be around people. Even today I struggle with gatherings, large crowds but I am doing so much better.

The list of symptoms can go on but those are the ones that probably dominated my illness. I also suffered panic attacks but I believe that was an illness all on it’s own rather then a symptom. And it would require a blog of it’s own (so stay tuned for that blog). I hope in some way I have helped you to understand what someone, dealing with major depression, is going through. And for those who are living with a mental illness, I hope you realize that these symptoms will lessen as you start to improve and life will get better. But remember it does take time, so don’t give up on hope, you can live through this; we’ll do it together!

 

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My Will To Live

Imagine a disease that destroys your will to live. You could say there are many diseases that can do that, especially chronic disease and during the late stages of a disease such as cancer, aids, lugarettes disease, etc. Many at this late stage of their disease have no quality of life, constant pain and torment, agony and no possibility of ever recovering; do get to the point of just wanting to die.

But I want to talk about something a little different, a disease which once you get it, you start loosing your will to live. In fact one of the symptoms of the disease is , loosing your will to live. As devastating as all other diseases are, neither have loosing your will to live, has a symptom. But the disease I am referring to is clinical depression; the inability to want to live or the will to live is one of the main symptoms of this disease.

Clinical depression is the more- severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn’t the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder. It’s a change that takes place within the brain, having to do with certain mood- regulating chemicals called neurotransmitters that do not work properly. Environmental factors may trigger clinical depression but are not the cause.

Loosing the will to live is not a normal human reaction; we were born to live, it’s our natural instinct to survive. But to loose that will has to be an illness, a sickness, an abnormal reaction to a brain that is broken. And I know this because I live this! There are days when my will to live is questionable. That doesn’t mean I’m suicidal but my illness is so overwhelming at times that my will to live is diminishing. I am so tired and frustrated that I sometimes loose that will to live.

You may say, ‘ but you have so much to live for and you could list them off. But I don’t hear you and my illness as somewhat distorted my thinking and my mind as already decided what I believe. But  I cannot give up there, if I did I would die. I have to realize that this is my illness talking; not me. I know I have so much to live for and eventually this torment will pass. I just have to hang in there and fight for my will to live.

This was one blog I did not want to publish. It is a topic that is so private and personal but by not sharing it would serve no purpose. But if I did tell it like it is, then I would help someone who as lost their will to live and maybe show them that we can regain that will to live with time and endurance. Never give up. God loves you and so do I. This illness may have stolen so much from us and at times made our lives unbearable, we will survive! I have to believe that by faith because in my human strength I see no way. And some days, that’s what I’m doing; surviving! But I want to do so much more then survive, I want to LIVE!

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Two Shoes

Today is Church day, a day of rest; not in our case. Lauren dictates the mood of the morning, and so would I if I were in a body cast. Her bath now consist of a bed bath and her hair being washed in the kitchen sink by lying her on the counter and her head in the sink. You do what you have to do, it definitely takes two of us to accomplish this task.

Her bed bath doesn’t go all that smoothly; pain, hurt, and discomfort seems to be the order of the morning. This is a timely procedure, with her popping tears from her eyes as big as raindrops. And you are holding back tears because you know if you start, they will never stop. None of this makes any sense and life seems so unfair, for a little child to have to suffer so.

Then its time to put on her Sunday best and top it off with her princess shoes. But then she realizes; I only have one shoe on and I have two feet. She can’t understand the concept that one cast practically covers her foot, while the other foot is totally exposed. So she cries all the way to church because she only has one shoe.

I explain to her that we can’t go into the Church with her screaming and if she doesn’t calm down, we’ll have to go back home. So she seems to understand and stops crying. By this time I am so frustrated, heartbroken and helpless; I don’t know how I’m going to go inside and pretend that we are having an amazing morning. And put on my ‘expected’ Christian smile and worship.

I make it to the doors, with my my anxiety through the roof, and without turning around  and making a run for home; I enter the Church. I’m already  late and that doesn’t go over well with me, my anxiety requires me to be there ten minutes before church starts. But not this morning.

I wheel us into our usual spot and take a breath; a big, deep breath. I lean over and she quietly says, ‘I want two shoes’. Now I can’t hold back the tears anymore, I am totally overwhelmed with the situation and life.  Right at that moment it was more then I could bare. So I thought, what do I do? I was at the end of my resources and I felt Lauren’s doctor’s were playing Russian  roulette with Lauren’s mobility. As a family we could not take anymore, nor could we do anymore.

I decided there and then; well if we can’t , Jesus can. I had to believe that. He was our only resort, our only hope. Quoting Pastor Isaiah, ‘So when we are at the end; Jesus is at the beginning’ (something like that). So without any hesitation, I brought my little girl to Jesus and I have to believe that He met us there at the front of that Church; I laid her on the altar (not literally), I gave her back to God. Me with my broken heart and broken mind and Lauren in desperate need of a touch from the Master. I pictured Him taking Lauren up in His arms and saying, ‘It’s going to be alright my child’. I prayed so earnestly for God’s intervention in our lives because without Him, we were falling apart. Our family was torn apart by life’s trials and only He could fix it.

Eventually Lauren will get to wear two shoes, but not only wear them but walk in them. If I don’t see it here on earth, I will see it in Heaven; we will cross the finish line one way or another. But we will win!

Isaiah 35:6 ‘Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wildness and streams in the desert.’

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Rainy Days

The morning clouds my foggy mind. I grasp for the light, I reach from within to find just a glimmer. My depression consumes the light, darkness overpowers my thoughts, But it will not win, I am strong, courageous and a fighter, this illness will not conquer me, though some days it feels like it just might. Fierce might be the battle from within, but peace will come because I am in control.

The pain I feel from inside is not a sharp, shooting pain, as if I cut my finger; but a sad , empty, lonely, searching pain. I’m desperately seeking an escape; an escape that will lead to peace, calm and happiness. To find a place where I don’t have to fight anymore, the fight has left me tired, I just don’t want to fight anymore. The battle as left me exhausted and drained, to a point where I have little of anything left to live with, my fuel tank is running on empty it seems.

Depression is an illness that is looked upon so lightly. The illness carries with it so much undeserved stigma, shame and misunderstanding. And this is why so many sufferers do so in silence and all alone; they feel they can’t tell others or seek help because that would mean they are weak and flawed. But that is so far from the truth, we have nothing to be ashamed of,  we have an illness that requires treatment and support. So forget the stigma and myths of this illness and talk about the way you feel and seek medical help; there is no shame in that!

I am reminded again this week as the news declares two more deaths by suicide of two very prominent, rich, successful icons. Both of these people, had it all, but both suffered from depression. Their illness killed them and their lifestyle and material possessions could not save them. They were consumed with that inner pain, that they could not escape and were forced to end the pain the only way they knew how. Tired of the battlefield in their minds; now no more fighting, no more war.

I began writing this blog very early in the morning, when I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts can lead me into very ugly, dark and hopeless places. But when they do, I refocus; I deter my thoughts to a more quieter, calm and bearable place.

It was then my thoughts reminded me I had to mow the lawn, now when I say lawn I mean practically a football field (in my mind that’s what I see). So I give myself a kick and off I go to mow the football field. No sooner then I began, it started to rain. So I weighed the pros and cons and make my decision to keep mowing the grass. Now some would call that stubbornness but I call it determination. I think it makes for a great analogy of my battle with depression and anxiety. I could have easily given in, if I went by my feelings, but I knew if I did my lawn would be overgrown and would not get done. So here I am in the pouring rain mowing my football field; call it stupidity if you like.

But here I am two hours later, soaked to the skin; but my lawn is done. If I had given up because of the rain, it would not have gotten done. So it is with depression, I have days when the ‘rain’ is pouring down, and I could get so discouraged, I could just give up. But let me encourage you and myself to never give up, no matter how hard it rains. Because eventually the rain will stop, if we just wait. The sun will shine again and the ironic thing is, it does.

I want to encourage those who are reading this and you feel you have had your share of rainy days. Trust me, it won’t rain always, right now it might feel it won’t stop but hang in there, the sun is sure to shine. I have my share of rainy days and sometimes there’s no end in sight but I have to hold on to my faith and my hope and believe that the sun will shine again!

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The Cold, Hard Truth About Mental Illness, Depression and Suicide

  1. II thank God for social media because it gives me a voice, a means to tell my story to others who need to hear it.

Up until recently, I thought that society had come a long way when it comes to the way people look at mental  illness and suicide. I thought the walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) had come down somewhat. And maybe they have to a certain point but we have such a long way to go.

You may ask, why would you go on such a public forum and talk about something so stigmatised and controversial? A topic many would not even talk about because of fear and shame. Well, I have nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of and if I can help save the life of one person; it would make it all worth while. So I speak out once again!

To the person who is suffering in silence, you are not alone. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will; ‘rise again’!

I don’t get up in the morning and say, “I think I’ll have a crappy day today, that would be so much fun”. NO! I awake with panic, a flow of an hot sensation all through my body, accompanied by fear. I get up and struggle through most of the day, hoping this will be a “good day”. It is not “a choice” as some would say or think. Your broken mind is misfiring and happy thoughts don’t come naturally. The chemical imbalance in your brain causes you to see darkness, hopelessness, helplessness and constant negative thoughts that a “normal” brain would not feel. Don’t get excited and think you’re normal – there is no such thing; we all have something, none of us are perfect.

Then there’s the “myth” that it’s the devil making you feel this way. Well let’s not give the devil so much credit! This is not a spiritual battle going on in my head, no more then someone with cancer fighting a spiritual battle, they are fighting an illness and so are people with a mental diagnosis. Yes, I believe as sin entered the world, so did sickness. It’s far beyond my mental ability to understand the “WHY?” I don’t know why God allows this to happen, why I’m sick, why some die by  suicide, why some have cancer and the list goes on. But God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. We cannot see the big picture because our thinking is so small compared to that of an all knowing God. And that’s where I leave it; to God! It’s not for me to say or judge, that’s His department. I just need to trust that He knows best.

Then there’s suicide. What? You are going to talk about suicide? Yes, indeed I am. The ancient myths, lies, opinions and beliefs about suicide are sickening and primitive. It’s time to open our mouths (we use it for everything else) and our eyes, minds, and hearts. I am/was borderline suicidal, when I was at the acute stage of my illness. I prayed to God to just let me die and end all this pain and torment. I could not come to do it myself, not that I’m any stronger then the next person but I believe God as another plan for me and that’s why I’m still here. To be an advocate, a voice; to help others and their caregivers and to give insight on what this illness really is all about. Some statements that I have heard over the years are: 1. If they took their own life, they must be going to hell. 2. That is such a selfish thing to do. 3. They could not have thought about their family and the impact it would have on them. These statements would definitely come from someone who has no idea, no knowledge about the illness and never walked in their shoes.

First of all, the pain and torment that this illness brings is unbearable and you feel the only escape, the only way out is suicide. You see no hope, only a dark tunnel with no light at the end. You get so desperate and so tired of fighting, until all your strength is gone; you have nothing left but flesh and bones, no ability to reason. Thus death is your only way to find peace. Also this is not a selfish act or cowardly way out as some would say but quite the opposite. It is a way to relieve your caregivers of the burden you have brought into their lives. It’s a way to free them of the worry, pain and suffering you have afflicted on them. So you are convinced that they would be better off without you. You are doing them a favour. For those of you who have suffered a lost of a loved one, know now that they are finally at peace and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that made them do this. The real person that they were, is now at peace with the angels and are watching over you from afar.

I hope in some small way I have shed some light on this so misunderstood and complicated disease. May we all find compassion, love and forgiveness and  look at mental illness in an whole new light. And may we never be quick to pass judgement on anyone suffering with a mental illness, until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes. May God open our minds and hearts to be our “brothers keeper”.