Tag: God

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Fill My Cup

Today is one of those days when I feel like I’m running on empty. Just like a car, if we don’t refuel it, it will run out of gas and be of no use. So what do we do when our car is empty? We take it to the gas station and fill it up.

Well today I’m on empty, the challenges and responsibilities of life have left me empty. It seems there’s never a reprieve, a time when I can just breathe.

With Mom’s passing, time as not healed my wounds. It seems the more time passes the more I miss her and the reality hits me that she’s no longer with me. The telephone calls every day have ended, just hearing her voice is gone. So I call out to God; be my comfort today.

I’m guessing that most people wouldn’t admit to having a down day. And that’s okay, but for me I like to be real and by doing so to help others. We live in such a world that expects perfection, a ‘me’ society, a cookie cutter mentality of what we are supposed to feel, think and act. I guess I was never drawn into that way of thinking. I am who I am, nothing or no one more, just me. Sometimes maybe it would have been easier if I just went along with the status quo. But I didn’t always chose the path most travelled. Many times I made my own path, I found my own way.

Living with a mental illness can so easily drain you to a point of exhaustion. Every day is a struggle, some less then others. But lots of days I feel like I’m running on empty. Many days I just have to stop and refuel, to breathe.

And then there’s a caregivers life; that means 24/7, 365 days year. I’m not complaining; I would do it all over again if I had to. But I can’t say it’s an easy life, it’s tough, challenging, isolating and exhausting. I love Lauren more then life itself and that’s why I gave up my own life for her. But what I gained was far above anything I could ever imagine. John 15:13 says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends”(his daughter, his family).

So it’s those days when I’m running on empty, when it seems humanly impossible to keep going. But it’s those days that I have learned to look to an higher power. To a strength that is not my own, to a God that is in the driver’s seat of my car. I’ve been singing this song all morning and it sums up what I’m trying to say. The words of the song are “my” words, my prayer for today. He is faithful!

Like the woman at the well I was seeking, for things that could not satisfy. And then I heard my Saviour speaking, “Draw from My well that never shall run dry”.

Fill my cup, Lord. I lift it up, Lord. Come and quench this thirsting if my soul. Bread of Heaven, feed me ‘til I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.

There are millions in this world who are craving the pleasures, earthly things of gold. But none can match the wondrous treasure that I find in Jesus Christ my Lord.

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Defining Depression

How do you put on paper what your heart is yearning to say? Words are just that; words! But putting those words in a sentence that makes sense and expresses how you feel, well that’s not so easy to do. Words can only speak, but only the heart can truly feel what it is you truly want to express. I have tried so desperately to portray my thoughts and feelings in my Blog: www.harrislisa72.com entitled; ‘Life and Times of The Tuckers.’ With the caption attached; ‘Living with depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine.’ I have written a total of 173 posts/blogs on this website and I feel I have only scratched the surface (written from January 2017-November 2019).

I won’t lie to you and tell you that life is wonderful and easy. When I’m having a very bad day, and I’m just referring here to my depression and anxiety, life is anything but wonderful and easy. Each moment of the day is a fight, a fight to just survive. Each day is a challenge, nothing comes easy anymore, not even the little things. I would just like to elaborate on some defining symptoms of this battlefield of the mind.

For me, when my pain is so intense, I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, that’s what depression can do to you, but yet I don’t want to die either. The constant pain and torment lessens your will to live. It would be so much easier to die and escape this living hell. But yet deep down, you really know that’s not what you really want. You just want to live, but really live without the constant struggle to survive. Life should be so much more then just surviving. I’ve often said to my doctor, ‘if this is living, then I am not living.’ Depression steals the joy, enthusiasm, your reason for living, your purpose; it steals ‘YOU’! And everyday you are constantly trying to find that ‘you’ that once you were. He’s in there somewhere but just can’t seem to escape the prison of the mind.

Depression can be defined as the overpowering need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There’s the inability to socialize, the wanting to just hide under a rock. That outgoing, social ‘icon’ that once I was is now turned into somewhat of a recluse. But that is the last thing I want, the last thing I need. When you suffer from depression you feel totally alone, you could be in a crowded room but feel like you are the only person there. Lonely is your constant companion. But we know we are created for companionship, we  crave affection and love. Living in isolation will only make our depression worse and that is why I need people around me, a form of support.

And then there’s the worse part of the day; the morning! A major defining symptom of depression is the fear of the day to come. How am I ever going to survive it? Constant fatigue and tiredness overwhelms my body and mind. I wonder how I can get out of bed, but then I say; ‘Okay God, it’s me and you, I can’t do this alone. So let’s do this! And the day begins. On the not so good days, I long for night to come. I know then, I have survived another day. Maybe sleep will provide an escape; a reprieve. And yet in spite of my depression and anxiety, I live my best life with what I have and try to make the best of everyday.

I can define/describe depression in so many other ways; living in a dark hole, loss of memory and concentration, having no desire to do the things you once loved to do. Depression has the power to redefine who you are (if you let it); It can consume your every thought and lessen you to a different person; to someone who as lost all confidence in oneself, convincing you that you are worthless and useless. No matter how hard I try, life becomes unbearable and overwhelming to a point where you don’t know how you can go on. But you know in reality, that is your illness talking; it distorts your thinking patterns.  The American Psychiatric Association defines major depressive disorder as ‘a common and serious MEDICAL illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.’

We are presently experiencing the ‘Season to be Jolly.’ I love Christmas, a little too much sometimes; I don’t know when to stop decorating. I was warned to tone it down this year, but how do ‘I’ tone down Christmas? My idea of toning it down is someone else’s idea of being overdone, too funny! But that’s not what Christmas is all about, there’s more to it then just decorations. For a lot of people Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s that time of the year when we are expected to be happy, joyful and glad. But what if we suffer from depression and anxiety; Christmas can be an enormous trigger. It can trigger so many symptoms of depression; loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiousness; all for various reasons. I pray this Christmas that all who suffer from mental illness, will feel the peace that came to earth on that first Christmas morning. Isaiah 9:6 ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, THE PRINCE OF PEACE.’

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Trusting God When Life Doesn’t Make Sense

How many times have I asked the question; ‘This just doesn’t make sense God?’ Why is this happening to me, to us? What is it you are trying to teach me? What is your purpose? No good can come from this, can it? I have travelled a long, hard road to get where I am today and even today, I stumble and fall, but I know I have to get up again. For the most part, I have learned to let go and to just trust God. Now, is that easy to do? Not at all, it is something I have yet to master, but everyday I’m learning. Taking your life, your family and just giving it all over to God is the hardest thing in the world to do; especially when you have a personality like mine, whereby I have to be in control of my life at all times.

But then trouble comes, life changes and you find yourself totally out of control, life is happening and you are not pulling the strings. Your perfectly controlled world falls apart. And you realize you are not in control at all! It is just terrifying. But yet God is speaking, in that still small voice; ‘trust me even when it’s not making sense!’

I guess you can say it all started back in March 23, 2008, when my Dad died. Why God? It didn’t make sense. I had not come to the place in my relationship with God, that my Dad did. He was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer and was given weeks to live. Our world, our family was loosing the one thing that held us all together. It made no sense! But Dad didn’t look at it like that, to him it made total sense. Either way he looked at it, he was not going to loose this battle. His faith and trust in God was unmovable. He said, ‘I have two options; I will walk out of this hospital an healed man or I will walk those streets of gold and find everlasting peace (paraphrased).’ Well he didn’t loose his battle with cancer, he is now present with the Lord; cancer free! It now makes total sense; death as lost it’s sting. Death is not the end, but the beginning.

Then on July 8, 2008 trouble knocked on our door once again. This is a door I did not want to open, it made no sense. After my Dad’s passing, Lisa and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, maybe even a boy; to carry on the ‘Tucker’ name, a legacy that my father would have been so proud of. So over the next few months we became pregnant and to make a long story short, only to be told at the ER that our baby didn’t make it after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The moment the doctor spoke those words, ‘our baby didn’t make it’; our world fell apart and God this did not make sense! How could it? Our baby was gone! We felt totally empty, alone, in shock and filled with grief.

After months of grieving the loss of our baby, we decided to try again. This time it did ‘not’ happen. But why not? This made no sense! We were told our only hope would be IVF; In Vitro Fertilization. So being so determined; IVF it was. And once the procedure was complete, we were pregnant again. On March 14,2011 we were blessed with a bouncing baby boy, Logan Kennedy Tucker. He’s now eight years old and hasn’t stopped bouncing since, thank God!

Life was going fairly smoothly and we were enjoying the privilege of being parents. But then around six months after Logan’s birth, trouble knocks again. There is no truer verse of scripture then the one found in John 16:33, ‘ In this world you will have trouble.’ Little did I realize just how much. I started having symptoms of depression; couldn’t sleep, loss of appetite, anxious, sadness, uncontrollable emotion, lost of interest in things I once loved to do, isolation. Before long I was in the depths of despair, a total mental and physical shut down. Why is this happening now? I should be happy, life was at it’s best; I had it all. This just doesn’t make sense. I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression and anxiety disorder. Talk about loosing control of your life, it was totally out of control. I could not work anymore and loss my will to live, I hit rock bottom and could not climb my way back to the life I had. God this doesn’t make sense. God I’m talking to you! Are you listening?

Then in the midst of all my darkness, God sent us an angel of light, a miracle, no IVF, a beautiful baby girl, Lauren Kennedy Tucker, born March 31,2013. I wasn’t improving by no means, as a last resort ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) was my only option, my only hope. But much to my dismay, I did not respond to the treatment. Only getting worse, our lives were spinning out of control. God this doesn’t make sense.

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any tougher. On Lauren’s First birthday, she was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. God this is not happening, this is making no sense. Here was a father struggling for his life and now our angel was given this life altering diagnosis. We were heartbroken and life once again was spinning out of control. We had control over nothing and when I say nothing, I mean nothing; we were at the mercy of God. We lost everything we owned. Now God, how am I supposed to trust you? But were there any alternatives, any better options? No, we were at the mercy of God, He was all we had and I realized later that He was all we needed. I had to learn to put my total trust in a God, who at the time, I could not feel or see. But that’s where faith comes in and I had to believe that my creator was in control and knows best. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.’ I had to come to a point where I realized that I was the created, but He was my Creator and He was in control, even when I wasn’t. Trust, I had to trust!

I have had much trouble, not unlike any of you who are reading this, no one is exempt. I felt like Job’s wife in Job2:9 when she said, ‘curse God, and die’. But Job said in Job 13:15 , ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ Many times I have felt like God had slayed me, God had forsaken me but I will still trust Him! God is not the problem but the answer. He is God, He knows what He’s doing, He’s in control and He loves us unconditionally. In my troubles He is refining me and teaching me what it is to trust Him even when it doesn’t make sense.

 

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ASHAMED

It’s been weeks and I have written nothing. Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I couldn’t lift that pen and start letting my pain flow onto the paper. I was ashamed of how I was feeling, ashamed that my depression swept over me like constant grief. I was like someone grieving over death and my grief was not getting any easier. So rather then writing about my depression/grief, I tried to hide it on the inside. I had shared my illness in countless blogs before and here I  am years later and still struggling. I was ashamed, ashamed that I can’t beat this beast within my prisoned mind. But then I realized, that’s why I have to write, to enlighten those reading, just what living with depression is like. It’s not always something that is here today and gone tomorrow. No, mine as lasted a lifetime. A lifetime of fighting, a lifetime of being ashamed.

I have had moments when I thought that shame was gone, times when I felt I had nothing to be ashamed of. But depression is not that forgiving, it will remind me over and over again. It will remind me until it as me beaten down so far, that all I want to do is hide it and suffer in silence. Well, once again here I am, fighting back! Fighting back with the little bit of fight that I have left in me.

My very good friend reminded me of just how brave someone is, that is fighting a mental illness. It’s in the words of this poem by Lana Rafaela;

I Think It’s Brave

I think it’s brave that you get up

in the morning even if your soul is weary

and your bones ache for a rest.

I think it’s brave that you keep on living

even if you don’t know how to anymore.

I think it’s brave that you push

away the waves rolling in every day

and you decide to fight.

I know there are days when you

feel like giving up but I think it’s brave

that you never do.

But there are some moments when I do give up. Moments when I just can’t fight anymore. Moments when hidden away behind closed doors; I just loose it and cry out to God, ‘I just can’t do this anymore’. I guess in some way, God reaches down and pulls me to my feet and says, ‘Now go fight, I am with you.’ And I do!

It seems the headlines almost everyday is filled with issues pertaining to mental illness. One such headline I read recently stated, ‘Pastor and Mental Health Advocate Jarrid Wilson Dies by Suicide’. (Notice they didn’t say, ‘committed suicide’, committed implies you performed an illegal act, for instance; you commit murder). Jarrid suffered from depression and often posted on social media about his own battles with the mental illness. His wife posted on Instagram; ‘ No more pain, my Jerry, no more struggle. You are made complete and you are finally free’. Prior to his passing he wrote a post encouraging followers to remember that even though loving Jesus doesn’t cure illnesses such as depression, PTSD or anxiety, Jesus does offer companionship and comfort. He confides that he had dealt with ‘severe depression throughout most of his life and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions.’ In his summer blog post, Jarrid challenged the idea some Christians have that those who die by suicide are condemned to hell.’

I’m quoting from an article published by Christianity Today. ‘Christians wouldn’t tell someone with a physical illness like cancer they are going to hell because of their diagnosis, he noted. Neither should they assume it of people with mental illnesses, which can lead many people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do if they didn’t struggle.’

“Those who say suicide automatically leads to hell obviously don’t understand the totality of mental health issues in today’s world, let alone understand the basic theology behind compassion and God’s all consuming grace,’ he said.

We must do better at educating people on things they have a hard time wrapping their heads around. And mental health is definitely a topic  Christians around the world must yearn to better understand.’ It’s then we will be less quick to judge and swifter to be the arms of Jesus, showing compassion and tenderness without prejudice.

I am so thankful for the gift that God as bestowed upon me to be a mental health advocate. Having a first hand experience with mental illness myself has given me the drive, the passion, the compassion, the determination to break down the walls of stigma and judgement that is still so prevalent in our world today. This gift as not come without its consequences, misconceptions, losses, misunderstandings, isolation and hurts. But I believe that’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23).’ To follow Jesus was going to cost us something; the cross was not going to be easy to carry. This was not going to be a road of ease, feel good or prosperity path.

And so today I am still struggling, I still hurt, I still feel pain, I still have days that I can’t go on but I do. And for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about; I pray for God’s grace and healing for all of us. Let’s go on, we can do this!

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Going Outside The Will Of God

This is a quote I read the other day, sounds great when you don’t stop and think about it but when you do stop to think, it isn’t what you expect at all. The quote says, ‘If you knew how He (Jesus) can take away all that bitterness, that sorrow, that hurt, that depression, anxiety’.

To begin and I will state right from the beginning that I believe Jesus ‘can’ do all these things. But does Jesus do all these things? NO, He didn’t promise that if we came to Him all these things would be taken away. If that were the case we would have a sweeping revival flow over this earth. Who wouldn’t want to be free of all these things? I sure would. I have suffered depression and anxiety all my life. I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that God can do that. But does he always? No, that’s not the way it works. Jesus said in John 16:33, ‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble (there is no doubt about it; Christian/Non Christian, we will still have trouble, sickness, trials and hurts). ‘But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ He promised to never leave us, or forsake us, no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

Psalm 46:1 ‘God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (there will be trouble).

Romans 5:3-5 ‘But we glory in tribulations.

James 1: 2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials (bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression, anxiety) , know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

But God did promise that He would be with us in our trials; He didn’t promise to take them away. Isaiah 41:10 ‘So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Isaiah 43:2 (World English Bible) ‘When you pass through the water’s, I will be with you: and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will  not be burned, an flame will not scorch you.’ God did not say we will not have to pass through the waters, rivers, walk through fire. But He did promise to be with us.

To say that God takes away ‘all’ bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression and anxiety; is in my belief giving so many people false hope. And  making God out to be the ‘Genie in a bottle’. If we come to Christ it doesn’t make everything bad go away. Bad things still happen to good people. That statements also implies that if those things aren’t  taken away then there is something wrong with you the person, because Jesus is supposed to take away all that stuff. It is not our place to decide what God heals us from, that is His decision and yet there are so many who make themselves out to be God and speak for God, when that is not their place. God has a reason, a plan and purpose for everything and no one else can decide that for Him.

Because I still struggle with depression and anxiety doesn’t mean that God is not a big part of my life. It’s His ever abiding presence that have brought me thus far and WILL lead me on. And for somebody to even suggest otherwise hasn’t struggled with a mental illness or hasn’t had a child in a wheelchair. I will not tell my child that Jesus is going to make her walk, when I don’t know that, it may be in God’s will that Lauren remain in that wheelchair but I do know that God will never leave her alone in that wheelchair and He has great plans for her life, whether she’s walking or not. I may struggle with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life and if that’s what HE decides; I have no choice but to fully trust in Him. It’s not only about trusting God in the good times (that’s so easy) but it’s also about trusting Him in the bad times, that’s when your faith is really tested. And I can honestly say, ‘I still trust Jesus!’ Despite everything, I still trust Him. If those all knowing Christians just walked a mile in my shoes, would they be so quick to judge, condemn and shun. Jesus may have all the answers but I think sometimes they may not be the answers we were expecting.

I just pray daily for His strength, grace, mercy and wisdom to ‘know’ (I may not always feel, but I don’t live by feelings but by faith) that we are in the will of God. And at times, being in the will of God is not always the easy path but God WILL  provide strength that we need to pass through the waters, through the rivers and to walk through the fire.

 

 

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A Good Day

I was swiftly spiralling down a dark hole of despair. Loosing control as I was going down, down, down. Every indication that I was relapsing was steering me in the face. My sleeping pattern was interrupted, my appetite for food was dwindling, my emotions were crying out to me to help them stop. But I could not control them, the dam had broken and I was drowning. But worst of all, panic attacks had returned and was taking over my life. My greatest fear had come true; I was relapsing!

But was I willing and was I going to let this happen again? I fought this before and I will fight this war again. I was determined to stop this illness from escalating into a full blown breakdown. In the back of my mind I knew my options had pretty much ran out. Over the years I had tried everything to escape this living hell. But yet every day for the past eight years (not including a lifetime) I could not honestly say I had a ‘good’ day. I am not referring to my physical life but my life from within my mind. My mind was broken and I was trying desperately to fix it. I just wanted this hell to go away. But to even reach a functioning level, required hard, hard work. And today I have reached that level but staying there requires so much strength, courage and determination.

And there are so many every day triggers that would throw me into the grasps of my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. How was I going to defeat this monster? I have to use my past experiences to find my way out. And I knew the best place to start was my amazing family doctor. I wasted no time to get an appointment and before I knew it, I was sitting face to face with the man I knew could help me. I described to him the horrors of my panic attacks, how they awakened me from my already restless sleep. How I was afraid to be in a public place because a panic attack could strike without warning and wasn’t  just confined to my home life but could occur anywhere. And because of this, I was a prisoner, under house arrest.

I explained how I wasn’t living, just surviving and this was fair to no one. I was determined, this as to stop and I would do anything to make it stop. And being the compassionate doctor he is, he was determined to help me. His first plan of attack was to get my panic attacks under control. And this would require another drug, called buspirone. I have to admit, I wasn’t all that optimistic, given my track record. But I was willing to try and I did. To my amazement, six days later from taking this new drug, I have not had another panic attack since. I am being highly cautious and afraid to get my hopes up because of past drug failures but I have to believe that this one is working and will remain working.

I visited my scheduled psychologist appointment yesterday. And as I sat in his home based office, he politely asked how I was doing today? And I replied with, ‘I’m having a good day’. It seems like forever since I said those words, I really surprised myself when I said them. When you have a chronic illness, it’s not every day you can say, you’re having a good day. So now I’m just hoping to have more ‘good’ days, then bad days.

All of us I’m sure have good days and bad days. One thing we can be assured of and that is, it won’t rain always. And if we could just remember that on the bad days then we can make it through. I’m reminded of the song which says;

“Someone said that in each life some rain is bound to fall. And each one sheds his share of tears, And trouble troubles us all. But the hurt can’t hurt forever and the tears are sure to dry.

And it won’t rain always, the clouds will soon be gone. The sun that they’ve been hiding has been there all along. And it won’t rain always, God’s promises are true. The sun’s gonna shine in His own good time, and He will see you (and He will see me) through.”

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His Love Has No Limit

I believe it’s when I’m in the most pain, that God uses me the most. My pain triggers my brain to unleash what’s imprisoned in my mind. Some thoughts are impossible to describe by my pen, they have to be lived and felt in order to fully comprehend the pain they bring to one’s life. I am not referring here to the feeling of down-in-the-dumps kind of pain.

When major/clinical depression hits, and it can hit at any moment, without warning; one’s ‘self’ can disappear into the depression, you loose who you really are. Your personality is dissolved with your tears, your soul is destroyed by it’s flames, your being is no more. You exist, nothing more then a robot, you go through the motions. But you search and long for that ‘you’, the one that you once knew. The one that you felt love towards, now you hate what you have become. Not that I have become a monster but quite the opposite. There are times when it seems as though someone came into my space and turned the lights off; I was in complete darkness. That was the acute stage of this illness.

Today I still have this illness and struggle with it everyday. Not unlike someone with any other incurable illness have to struggle with theirs on a day to day bases. I still have days when I find it hard to even do the small tasks that need to be done, but I do them. I now know my limits and only do what I can with what I have. There are still days when sadness overflows me like a flood. And days when my strength and drive is at it’s lowest.

But having said all of that, I believe, and no I’m not getting all religious on you and no it’s not my illness or my medication talking, I am totally of a sound and sane mind. But I am going to tell you that the only way I have survived this illness thus far is through the constant presence of my Heavenly Father. On days when I am not doing so well, I hold onto His hand a little tighter. And when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when I could not hold on; then it was those days that He literally carried me. There is no other explanation. Nothing! The medical field can only do so much and then no more.

But then the Great Physician steps in. And that’s why I’m still here today, to tell you there is hope in Jesus. He is not my last resort but my only hope! And He can be yours too. No matter what you are struggling with today, no matter what your addiction is, no matter your illness, no matter your pain. It doesn’t matter how hopeless you feel, how far down you may be. Jesus can and will raise you up again! There is only one answer, when you feel you have exhausted all resources, He is ‘still’ there.

I want to leave with you a portion of a song that sums up this blog and reinforces what I’m trying to say:

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His pow’r has no boundary known onto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.                                                           When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done; When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

I pray today that this blog as reached the ears of the hurting, to the heart that is broken, to the soul that is helpless; may you find peace and healing in the one that loves you unconditionally. He loves you just as you are, no matter what. And if He’s not your Saviour today, it’s not too late. He loves you just as you are; broken, tired, hopeless and lost. Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”.

 

 

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Let’s Blame God For That

When we are angry, hurt and in pain; whether emotional, physical or mental, the first thing we want to do is to blame somebody or something. By blaming someone else gives us the feeling of alleviating some of the burden and pain that we are carrying and feeling. And one of the first and most easy person to blame is God. I think we have all been there at one point in our lives, when we lash out at God and blame Him for everything that as gone wrong. But is He really the blame? Can He be held accountable for every little thing that goes wrong in our lives? I believe God is not always to blame and when we do we alienate the only person that can really help us through our most difficult times and hurts. I admit and I am guilty of blaming God and questioning God, why? But when I sit down and analyze my situation, I realize that God is not to blame. But I realize that He is the one who can help me through any circumstance in life and give me a peace and presence that can only come from an eternal God. He’s not my enemy, but my best friend. Let’s try looking at it in a different light and let’s maybe stop the blame game.

I think we can begin our search and get a better understanding of name-blaming by going back to the beginning of time. Back to when God created the earth and everything in it, including man and woman. It was His intention for humanity to enjoy the beauty, abundance and fruitfulness of creation. In Genesis 3 we read about the fall of man and sin enters the world (it’s here we can do the blaming) because of man’s disobedience to God. It’s because of this fall that we are now separated from God and God’s plan for mankind would be forever changed. Therefore Adam and Eve changed our destiny and relationship with God. And the only way of reconciliation to God would be through the shed blood of HIS son, Jesus Christ. Acts 4:12 “Neither is there salvation in any other; for there is none other name under Heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved”. So maybe the next time we want to blame God for something, may we remember that it is God who provided for us a way of escape.

Let’s start directing the blame at the real source of evil in our world today, that being Satan himself. I want to quote directly from the Bible because I feel it would be the most powerful and effective attack on Satan himself. John 8;44 ‘…He (the devil) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him….for he is a liar and the father of lies’. 1 Peter 5:8-9 ‘Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour’. 2 Corinthians 11:14 ‘And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light’. Ephesians 6:12 ‘For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms’. Genesis 3:22 states that in this world there is good and evil, so lets become more aware of the presence of evil and shift some blame to where it belongs.

Many times I believe when we want to blame God, it’s because throughout our lives we were taught to believe that if we came to God all our sickness, troubles, etc will go away. Many (not all) Churches preach what I would call, prosperity preaching. Or others, the ‘name and claim it syndrome.’ Neither of which I believe. I do believe this kind of preaching is dangerous and misleading. And when God fails to prosper us financially or heal us from our illnesses, or doesn’t meet up to what we were taught He was supposed to be, we become bitter and blame God. But God is not a magician, waving a magic wand. I believe God can heal, but not all of us will be healed, nor will we all be millionaires. God’s love for us is not measured by what He can do for us but by what He has already done, by sending His only Son to die for our sins and that’s what truly matters (John 3:16).

So let’s stop blaming God for everything that goes wrong in our lives, it’s then we begin to know God for who He is. He is someone who loves and cares for each one of us and we can give Him all our hurts, cares and sickness. 1 Peter 5:7 says, ‘casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you’.

Many times in life we are faced with much trauma. The death of a loved one is so devastating and hard to understand. But we have to realize that just as birth is a part of life, so is death. 1 Corinthians 15:22 ‘For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive’. It’s one thing in life that we are certain of; that we will die, it’s a part of life. The big question is, Are You Ready? Age has no barrier, sometimes loved ones leave us much too early and we question why and are left with a broken heart and emptiness that just won’t go away. Let’s not blame God for a death but let’s remember He is the one who took away the sting of death. 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 ‘O death where is thy sting?……. thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ’. God is the one who gave us hope, death is not the end, we have hope through Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 ‘…and the dead in Christ shall rise first….and so shall WE ever be with the Lord. I’m reminded of my Dad right now because when he preached or talked about the promises of God he would get so excited, with tears streaming down his face, he would praise and worship God for who He was. My Dad lived a hard life with many hardships, struggles and rough times; but that never dampened his love for God. And that is what I’m feeling this  morning; an overwhelming presence of God. If it were not for God, the grave would be the end. But we have the hope of the Resurrection. So let’s hold on to the hope that Jesus gives and let go of the blame and hurt.

I am not speaking to you today as someone with all the answers to our questions. But I am pointing you to ‘The Answer’, and His name is Jesus Christ! I am speaking to you from my heart and my own personal experiences in life that have not all been so pleasant. There as been lots of times when I wanted someone to blame and lots of times that was God and for that I am sorry. But I have learned that in life, bad things happen and that we have no control over. What we do have control over is how we respond to them. Through my own mental illness, Lauren’s cerebral palsy and many hardships and struggles; I have to believe that God is in control and He will give us strength for every day. He’s our only hope. I am trying everyday to live the best life I can, in spite of my own illness and life’s struggles. I don’t blame God anymore, I just hold on to His hand a little tighter because there are still days when I feel I’m loosing my grip. But God is faithful, God is GOOD!

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A Year In Review

The year 2018 was anything but celebratory. Every day that I opened my eyes; I had to force myself to move. Everyday I fought a war from within, a war that no one else saw, a battle from within. Happiness didn’t find me naturally, I had to fight to just be okay. This thing called depression as left me angry, ashamed, guilty and exhausted. One thing I will be and that is real, it is what it is; ugly!

I cannot paint a beautiful picture for you of my life being easy, relaxed and carefree; that would not be the truth. There were no truer words spoken then when the Apostle John said, ‘In this world you will have trouble'(John 16:33). And we as a family has had more then our share. There were times when we wondered if we would ever survive it and we are certainly not out of danger yet. I have to believe in the promises of God, even on the days when I don’t feel God at all.

There were many days in 2018 that I did not feel the presence of God. But I have learned from my experiences that I cannot live by the way I feel but I have to live by what I know. And I know that God promised to walk with me, to uphold me. In Isaiah 41:10 He tells me, ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Then there’s the chorus we sing, ‘Because He lives, I can face tomorrow…all fear is gone’. There were and are days I could not sing this song truthfully. There were days when fear gripped my very being and I had to remind myself over and over again that He holds my future. But because of my depression and anxiety my brain could not retain that information and allow me to live a fearless life. So I am trying everyday to live by what I know, not what I feel.

Because I could not feel God over the past several years, my mind tried to convince me that God was nowhere near me; I was forsaken. But that is not the truth, that is not what I ‘know’. Hebrews 13:5 ‘….I will never leave you, nor forsake you’. I have to hold fast to these promises even in my darkest days.

Then there were days when I felt so ashamed and guilty. I questioned myself, why am I feeling this way, if I’m professing to be a Christian, then I should not have these thoughts or feelings. But then I thought, if I had any other illness, besides a mental one, would I be feeling the same way? If I had diabetes for example, would I be questioning my relationship with God? I don’ think so! I would look at it as an illness and that my pancreas wasn’t producing enough insulin for my body, so I would need to take medication to regulate my insulin levels. But because I have a mental illness, I am supposed to look at it differently. When really my brain is not creating enough serotonin, which is a neurotransmitter that contributes to the feeling of well-being and happiness. It has nothing to do with my relationship with God. God promised to walk ‘with us’ through our difficult times, not to remove us from them. Although I have depression and anxiety, in spite of this, I can still love God for who He is, not because of the way I feel. I can still serve God with depression just the same as if I had diabetes. There is no difference. Thanks be to God!

Prior to Christmas, I started my own YouTube channel called, ‘Walter On Da Line’. I felt again it was a way to deter my thoughts away from my illness to being funny. And I felt it was another great form of therapy and I was really enjoying it. But then, just to show you how powerful and controlling depression can be; I got up one morning and my depression had moved in and suffocated my ‘funny’. I could not produce a video of ‘Walter’ if my life depended on it and up to this day I still can’t. But I’m praying that with time and some space, I’ll be able to do it again.

Depression is so powerful and debilitating,  that at times it makes life so unbearable. But I live in hope that one day I will be well again. But until then I will keep fighting, hoping that my strength will not fail. I pray that 2019 will be filled with hope, happiness, peace and good health for us all.

 

 

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Lord Help Us To Believe

Lauren asked Mommy, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Wow, how do you answer that truthfully? What we want and what we pray for isn’t always what we get. Sometimes God’s way isn’t our way. Our timing sometimes is way off, we expect answers right away, but I believe that’s not the way it always works. And trusting God when your five years old little girl is in pain and can’t walk is very hard to understand and accept.

You see, Lauren as been in bed now for months, she is gradually improving but very slowly. She is so intelligent and because she is, there is nothing she doesn’t analyze. Therefore after all this time she as spent in bed and having so much pain and discomfort, she’s starting to question God. Everyone keeps telling her that Jesus is going to make her better. So she, being no different then ourselves, asks the question, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Are we giving her false hope and unrealistic goals? Is she beginning to realize that I’ve been in pain and discomfort for so long and Jesus hasn’t made me better? Maybe He never will, maybe this is her life.

And I’m beginning to believe that maybe what we are telling her isn’t what God wants at all. It’s what we want and oh we want it so desperately. There is nothing I would want more then for her pain to end and she could just get up and walk. But is this what God wants? I don’t know, my thoughts are not God’s thoughts. I am trying so hard to believe and trust, when things aren’t looking that great. I believe that miracles can still happen and that God is our greatest option. But the reality is we are tired, worn down, worried, anxious and helpless. There are days when we feel we are sinking, our ship is going down, when we have no other alternative but to keep looking for that light, that beam of hope, it’s there somewhere, still shining; but the fog is so thick with life’s trials and tribulations that it’s so hard to see. We need a miracle, if not for healing, then for strength, hope and wisdom to endure, to overcome, to do what we have to do.

A family cannot experience what we are and it not affect the whole family unit. It’s tough on all of us and we struggle to keep us together. All four of us have experienced so much trauma in our lives, so much unforeseen change, that some days it’s near impossible just to focus on getting through that day. But we try to take it one day at a time and that’s not easy when the decisions you make today, could drastically affect tomorrow. We have to believe that there is someone greater, an higher power that is watching over us. Lord help us to believe.