Category: Mental Illness

Depression, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. And my story; “A Broken Mind”

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My Will To Live

Imagine a disease that destroys your will to live. You could say there are many diseases that can do that, especially chronic disease and during the late stages of a disease such as cancer, aids, lugarettes disease, etc. Many at this late stage of their disease have no quality of life, constant pain and torment, agony and no possibility of ever recovering; do get to the point of just wanting to die.

But I want to talk about something a little different, a disease which once you get it, you start loosing your will to live. In fact one of the symptoms of the disease is , loosing your will to live. As devastating as all other diseases are, neither have loosing your will to live, has a symptom. But the disease I am referring to is clinical depression; the inability to want to live or the will to live is one of the main symptoms of this disease.

Clinical depression is the more- severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn’t the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder. It’s a change that takes place within the brain, having to do with certain mood- regulating chemicals called neurotransmitters that do not work properly. Environmental factors may trigger clinical depression but are not the cause.

Loosing the will to live is not a normal human reaction; we were born to live, it’s our natural instinct to survive. But to loose that will has to be an illness, a sickness, an abnormal reaction to a brain that is broken. And I know this because I live this! There are days when my will to live is questionable. That doesn’t mean I’m suicidal but my illness is so overwhelming at times that my will to live is diminishing. I am so tired and frustrated that I sometimes loose that will to live.

You may say, ‘ but you have so much to live for and you could list them off. But I don’t hear you and my illness as somewhat distorted my thinking and my mind as already decided what I believe. But  I cannot give up there, if I did I would die. I have to realize that this is my illness talking; not me. I know I have so much to live for and eventually this torment will pass. I just have to hang in there and fight for my will to live.

This was one blog I did not want to publish. It is a topic that is so private and personal but by not sharing it would serve no purpose. But if I did tell it like it is, then I would help someone who as lost their will to live and maybe show them that we can regain that will to live with time and endurance. Never give up. God loves you and so do I. This illness may have stolen so much from us and at times made our lives unbearable, we will survive! I have to believe that by faith because in my human strength I see no way. And some days, that’s what I’m doing; surviving! But I want to do so much more then survive, I want to LIVE!

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Rainy Days

The morning clouds my foggy mind. I grasp for the light, I reach from within to find just a glimmer. My depression consumes the light, darkness overpowers my thoughts, But it will not win, I am strong, courageous and a fighter, this illness will not conquer me, though some days it feels like it just might. Fierce might be the battle from within, but peace will come because I am in control.

The pain I feel from inside is not a sharp, shooting pain, as if I cut my finger; but a sad , empty, lonely, searching pain. I’m desperately seeking an escape; an escape that will lead to peace, calm and happiness. To find a place where I don’t have to fight anymore, the fight has left me tired, I just don’t want to fight anymore. The battle as left me exhausted and drained, to a point where I have little of anything left to live with, my fuel tank is running on empty it seems.

Depression is an illness that is looked upon so lightly. The illness carries with it so much undeserved stigma, shame and misunderstanding. And this is why so many sufferers do so in silence and all alone; they feel they can’t tell others or seek help because that would mean they are weak and flawed. But that is so far from the truth, we have nothing to be ashamed of,  we have an illness that requires treatment and support. So forget the stigma and myths of this illness and talk about the way you feel and seek medical help; there is no shame in that!

I am reminded again this week as the news declares two more deaths by suicide of two very prominent, rich, successful icons. Both of these people, had it all, but both suffered from depression. Their illness killed them and their lifestyle and material possessions could not save them. They were consumed with that inner pain, that they could not escape and were forced to end the pain the only way they knew how. Tired of the battlefield in their minds; now no more fighting, no more war.

I began writing this blog very early in the morning, when I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts can lead me into very ugly, dark and hopeless places. But when they do, I refocus; I deter my thoughts to a more quieter, calm and bearable place.

It was then my thoughts reminded me I had to mow the lawn, now when I say lawn I mean practically a football field (in my mind that’s what I see). So I give myself a kick and off I go to mow the football field. No sooner then I began, it started to rain. So I weighed the pros and cons and make my decision to keep mowing the grass. Now some would call that stubbornness but I call it determination. I think it makes for a great analogy of my battle with depression and anxiety. I could have easily given in, if I went by my feelings, but I knew if I did my lawn would be overgrown and would not get done. So here I am in the pouring rain mowing my football field; call it stupidity if you like.

But here I am two hours later, soaked to the skin; but my lawn is done. If I had given up because of the rain, it would not have gotten done. So it is with depression, I have days when the ‘rain’ is pouring down, and I could get so discouraged, I could just give up. But let me encourage you and myself to never give up, no matter how hard it rains. Because eventually the rain will stop, if we just wait. The sun will shine again and the ironic thing is, it does.

I want to encourage those who are reading this and you feel you have had your share of rainy days. Trust me, it won’t rain always, right now it might feel it won’t stop but hang in there, the sun is sure to shine. I have my share of rainy days and sometimes there’s no end in sight but I have to hold on to my faith and my hope and believe that the sun will shine again!

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My Glass Is Half Empty

Since I’m at a more advanced stage of my recovery; I read more. There was a time in my illness that I could not read a book or even watch television, my cell phone totally stressed me out; I couldn’t even touch it. And the computer, that was out of the question. For some seemingly silly reason, my brain would not allow me to entertain myself with anything of that nature. Everything basically frightened  me to death. I look back on those days now and wonder what was that all about; I could not explain it but it was sure real. And I certainly could not dismiss or choose what my thoughts were. But one thing I do know; it was real.

Most of my reading right now is centered around self help books. Books that would somehow enhance and improve my life. Some I agree with, others I have to question. One such book I’m reading now (I won’t give the name of the book, to protect the author; after all they have the right to their opinion as well). But I will quote from the book, the portion that I have to challenge and will share my own thoughts on. And the quote is, “Whether we see the glass as half full or half empty, whether we let someone else’s gloomy outlook drag us down, whether we choose to have a great day or not, is a matter of choice.”

Today is a perfect example of why I have to disagree with that statement. You see, today is a really ‘bad day’ for me, not by choice but dictated by my chemical imbalanced brain. My neurotransmitters are not at the levels they should be to maintain a ‘happy’ mood. The neurotransmitters that affect mood are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. This explains why my mood is so low in the morning; its scientifically proven that serotonin levels are at their lowest at this time of day. So no matter what I want to choose today, happy or sad; my brain as already decided it for me. If it were a choice, I’d be the happiest man on earth. Why would someone ‘choose’ to be negative and sad? But that didn’t mean I didn’t choose to do positive things today; I still done things that helped to improve my day. I just had to make more of an effort to do them. And work a little harder to see that glass has half full.

We certainly live in a ‘it’s all about me society’. Never before have we lived in a period of time when life was so centered around; ‘what’s in it for me?’, not ‘what can I do for someone else?’ We are told to separate ourselves from someone else’s negative outlook, because negativity is contagious. Then why can’t the opposite be true? Isn’t it possible for positivity to be passed on. Why can’t we seek out those who are sad and down and maybe our positive, happy outlook would be passed on to them. And what a better place our world would be if we would sometimes put others before ourselves; it’s called selflessness. Mark 12:31 ‘The second most important command is this; ‘Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself…’

So to sum up my thoughts; sometimes people see the glass as half empty because sometimes that’s exactly what their brain is telling them. That’s not what they want to choose to believe but that’s what their mental illness is telling them. And sometimes in our lives we go through times when life presents itself as half empty. Death, sickness, divorce, financial ruin, natural disasters, crime and the list can go on. There are times when we are allowed to be sad and gloomy; sometimes for good reason. But this too shall pass, life does change; we all experience good and bad, sad and happy. And sometimes our glass may be half empty.

But eventually our glass does become half full. Reality is that for various reasons we can feel overwhelmed, sad, and anxious but when we do, just remember the light will shine again and we are never alone. I challenge those out there today who may have their glass half full to walk a mile in my shoes and see how far you would get. Maybe you too would stumble and fall. But the thing for us all to remember is always get up and keep going; we will win the race, suppose we have to crawl past that finish line; we will get there. I pray God’s protection over all of us today and may today be the best day ever!

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A Mental Breakdown

It’s been practically six years since I had my last total mental breakdown. I have no problems admitting to that; if I had an heart attack I would have no trouble talking about it. My brain is an organ of the body just has my heart is and things can go wrong with any organ in our bodies. And neither should flaw our character. It just so happened that mine was my brain. The journey that I have traveled as certainly not been an easy one, a one that requires much strength, courage and fight. And to you who are out there who know what I’m talking about through your own experience with a mental illness, can truly relate.

So you may ask, it’s six years, what’s new? If I really told you, you’d be sorry for asking. But I will try to give you some insight into what’s going on with my mental health at this stage of the game.

I wish I could say things are great and I’ve never felt better but that would be lying and I want to be real. When the reality of this disorder is; there is no cure, but the most the medical field can do is to manage the symptoms and to hopefully restore me to a functioning level. I guess that’s where I am today; at a place where I can somewhat function in the real world but still requires medical support, much like many other illnesses. The mental health clinicians and physicians use a scale called the GAF- Global Assessment of Functioning. It’s a numeric scale to rate subjectively the social, occupational and psychological functioning of an individual, ex.: how well one is meeting various problems-in-living. Scores range from 100(extremely high functioning) to 1(severely impaired). So using this scale I can say when I first became ill, at my acute stage, I was probably a one. Today I am around 60 on the scale. Doing much better, but not back to my outgoing, risk taking, ambitious, creative self. It’s here I believe society has the misconception of what a ‘mental breakdown’ is. I wasn’t going around like a ravishing lunatic, has probably most would think. No, I was the complete opposite; I was stripped of everything I was. My being was gone, my will to live was gone, my strength was gone, my personality was gone; I was reduced to nothing. But a soul crying out to be free of this hell that I was captured in. A soul just crying out for help. That’s what a mental breakdown is, so don’t judge; if you have a brain, you are not exempt!

My illness as still stolen so much from me that I will probably never get back to where I was. I still have extreme problems with concentration, mental fatigue, loosing my train of thought and being able to be quick and alert with my thought process. And no matter how hard I try, it just sometimes isn’t there and that can be very frustrating. But I work with it and just by blogging I believe I stimulate my brain to do amazing things, thanks to God.

My last visit to my physician I was basically told this is as good as it gets. We have tried everything available and for me that’s very discouraging. No I didn’t get a death sentence but for someone who lives this illness everyday of their lives, then that is what it seems like. And because my brain isn’t always able to analyze or reason my sometimes troubled thoughts, I find it harder to cope. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have. But my illness will not control my life! I believe by openly talking about it; I take back the power. By  keeping silent I believe you are admitting to yourself that you are weak, ashamed, you are worthless. hopeless and a nobody. But in reality you are courageous, strong, worthy and a somebody. You can be a VICTOR; not a victim. A winner not a loser, YOU MATTER! I MATTER!

For the past six years, that works out to be 2,190 days, I have gotten out of bed and said, ‘God , please just let me have one ‘good’ day.’  A day with no pain, fear or sadness; just a day where I can just enjoy my family and not be enslaved by this illness. I live in hopes that one morning I will awake and it’s gone but maybe that morning won’t come until I see my Maker, face to face. But for each day until then I pray for strength, sunshine and hope to flood my life. And may I always walk with my head held high, my hand outstretched to someone else in need and my heart filled with God’s love and compassion.

 

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Negative Feedback!

I’ve often asked myself the question; Why do I blog anyway? Why bother? Why would I put myself ‘out there’? Why put energy and time into writing in the first place? It’s not like I was getting paid for it. Why take the chance of being ridiculed, bullied, scorned or negatively impacted? It would be so much easier to not bother at all. To just sit in the corner and pretend I have the perfect life. That would be so nice, but I’d be lying. I’d be painting a picture of myself that wasn’t real.

My writing is twofold. First of all, I write for my own benefit. Writing is therapy! It’s like taking the cover off a boiling pot, it releases the pressure on the inside. So for me, a sufferer of depression and anxiety, it’s a form of treatment. And no, I am not ashamed, nor do I need to be, of having a mental illness. And if writing is going to help my recovery , then I will write/blog. If you have a problem with that then you have the option of blocking me from your Facebook account. Just don’t read my blogs anymore, no one is forcing you to do so.

You know I don’t even feel angry at people who dislike my blogs, not even sad; I feel SORRY for you! If you have followed my blogging since I started and today you still have this attitude of prejudice, stigmatizing, arrogant and lack of understanding; then you are never going to ‘get it’ and I will keep you in my prayers. And please, just don’t follow me anymore, there is a delete button; if you know how to use it.

I believe my writing ability is a gift  from God, and if He sees it as a positive influence, then I must certainly write and use it for His glory.And if you have a problem with that, you will have to take it up with Him.

My second reason for writing/blogging is to help others who are experiencing similar circumstances and or deal with a mental disorder on a daily basis. To break down the walls of stigma, to help people realize they have nothing to be ashamed of. We have an illness; not a defect! I challenge those who think they have the right to judge someone with a mental illness, to show me their ‘perfect’ mental health. We all have our challenges in life; some probably more than others. It’s also my intentions to let those out there know that they are not alone, they needn’t suffer in silence. There will always be people who don’t understand and that’s fine. We don’t live in a perfect world but let’s do our part to make it a little better place to live. With so much evil, ignorance, stigma and hatred in our world today; let’s shine our light and help diminish some of the darkness.

And to those out there who doesn’t share my enthusiasm and love for helping others; I really do feel sorry for you. May God work a miracle in your life today. John 15:13 ‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends’.

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“Our Story”

This blog  is taken from a speech I presented at Church just recently. I told my story there before entitled, A Broken Mind, which can still be found on our website at www.harrislisa72.com. But this blog isn’t just about me, it’s about my family; Lisa, Logan and Lauren. A family that is struggling and at times broken but I want to share with you the power of the human spirit to overcome any adversity with the help of God and a determination to never quit, never give up on hope. I have to make clear that this is not a onetime fix but a daily, conscious effort that requires a strength that is far beyond all human comprehension.

John 16:33                                                                                                                                                   I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. IN THIS WORLD YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Our lives as been anything but trouble free, we have had more then our share of trials and tribulations. The storms of our lives have been many, there have been times when our ship was barely above water, we were sinking but I believe we were not in that ship alone. And that is why we are still riding out the storm. The storms may have beaten us down, exhausted us and at times left us for dead. But its these experiences and life altering traumas that have forced us to put our total dependence on God. For what we have experienced, are experiencing and what we are going to experience, we have to trust in the God of the impossible, the God that cannot fail, the God who has a plan for our lives; a plan we may not see at the moment.

I speak as a realist, not a pessimist. One thing I want to be is totally honest, totally real. I cannot say to you that we don’t question, doubt and have moments when we feel like we are somewhere wandering in the wilderness. But  we realize if we are going to survive this storm of life, we will have to put our trust and hope in the resurrected Christ. The Christ who died and rose again and today is seated at the right hand of the Father making intercession for us, what an amazing promise! That is what gives me hope, that is what gives us the strength to go on.

Let me just elaborate for a few moments on our not so ‘normal life’; by society’s standards. We don’t portray the perfect ‘facebook’, ‘cookie cutter life’. Let me take you back to my father’s death, my first real traumatic experience. He was a man of God, a man of faith and wisdom. Life certainly wasn’t always easy but he trusted God that tomorrow was going to be better, he never lost faith. When all nine children and Mom were gathered around his bed, he said before his passing that what truly mattered was right here in this room; his family and God; nothing else mattered when it came to material things. And right now I believe Dad is just ‘Gone Home’. He taught me what was important in life and what truly mattered in the end.

After  some months after his passing, Lisa and I had time to think and ponder over our own lives. After been married for eleven years with no children we thought about what Dad taught us on his deathbed and maybe we should have children too; just not nine! So the fun began, before long we were pregnant, although the doctors told Lisa she wasn’t. But Lisa knew she was; a Mother’s intuition. We decided to take a little vacation to the Dominican Republic. This trip would turn out to be one of the most traumatic experiences of our life. To make a long story short; while on the plane returning home, Lisa felt sick and decided to go back to the washroom on the plane. She never returned to her seat again, it ended with Lisa unconscious on the floor of the plane. Barely a pulse and turning blue; Lisa was dying. Once the plane landed, Lisa was rushed by ambulance to the nearest hospital, where we learned Lisa was hemorrhaging from an ectopic pregnancy and was taken for emergency surgery, where we lost our baby, Lisa lost  80% of her blood volume and was minutes from dying. This was the beginning of the storms of ‘our’ lives.

It was a long and traumatic journey back to real life. For months we grieved the loss of our baby in silence. We still so desperately wanted to have a baby but were told that would be impossible. But we never gave up, to fast forward; we went to Calgary for IVF; invetro fertilization and to defy all odds and with God’s intervention we were pregnant and seven months later we had a handsome baby boy who we named Logan. He was the joy of our lives.

But then when Logan was around a year old, I began to have severe symptoms of depression and anxiety. And that was where my story began and I was given a life altering diagnosis, that left me both mentally and physically disabled. And since that time until now I have struggled and still struggling to regain my life back. Then in the midst of all this trauma, we were miraculously blessed with a baby girl. She was certainly a light in the darkness; sunshine in the midst of all the rain. But then on her first birthday Lauren was diagnosed with spastic guadriplegia cerebral palsy- a life altering diagnosis for all of us. Our world fell apart. Trying to describe CP and what that involves is much like trying to describe my own diagnosis; both very complex and complicated. And to try and explain what either is, is impossible unless you experience it for yourself.

We were forced to make major life changes and had to move to Bay Roberts. And the storms have never ended, there’s been and will always be some unforseen battle and that is the reality. But in order to survive such traumatic and life changing experiences we have had to place our trust in God and believe that He is in the storm with us, He is in our ship and we will not sink. The minute we take our eyes off Him, it’s then we’ll sink. There are places I’ve seen His hand at work; in spite of all the trauma, trials and tribulations, there are so many miracles that present itself in our lives: 1. Our marriage as survived, struggling but surviving. Statistics show that majority of marriages don’t survive when faced with the ordeals that we have encountered. 2. The miracle that Lauren was conceived in the first place, when we were told it would be impossible for us to get pregnant on our own. 3. That Logan was fertilized in a petri dish and was viable to be implanted within Lisa’s womb and was successful; is not only amazing but a miracle. 4. That I can stand behind this pulpit, when I was in the acute stage of my illness I could barely stand at all. 5. That Lisa was capable of carrying a baby after the trauma she had experienced when we lost our first baby. So, I just want to say, ‘thank you Lord, for your blessings on us’.

Many times when discouragement knocks on our heart’s door and we find it difficult to see the light of day; we have to remind ourselves of God’s faithfulness. I don’t portray to be ‘Christian of the Year’ but I do say, ‘I’m a sinner saved by grace, so unworthy of the blood’. But yet He died for unworthy me, thank you just isn’t enough, His mercy rewrote my life. For without Calvary I would not be where I am today. So all the Glory belongs to Him. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

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Where Did My ‘Normal’ Go?

For those of you who live a ‘normal’ life (and I say that a little sarcastically); I envy you! I would love just to feel ‘normal’ again. Just to be able to live life without an overwhelming since of despair. I remember what ‘normal’ felt like; I would jump out of bed (no thought, just jump), coffee tasted different, the sun was brighter, the clouds were gone, simple tasks I could do and not even have to think about it. But when you have a mental illness, nothing seems ‘normal’ anymore. Every tasks fills you with panic and fear; you have no strength left to do the things you once so much enjoyed, now they’ve become a burden. Things  that once brought you enjoyment bring emptiness. I fight everyday to bring back that ‘normal’. Where did it go? By ‘normal’ I don’t mean perfect, just free to live life with some enjoyment.

This horrifying illness as stolen my ‘normal’, my life, my will to go on at times.But yet there’s nothing I want more then just live. I have so much to live for but my depression consumes my life and leaves me with very little strength left to fight. And when you are exhausted and tired of living this existence; your patience is gone, your will to keep fighting is gone, your will to live is gone, your ability to be ‘normal’ is gone.

But how do I get it back? How do I go on? Especially when you have fought for so long to get your ‘normal’ back. I have to believe in myself that tomorrow is going to be better, never give up hope. Hope is the greatest antidepressant, without it I would not survive. Also my faith in God, even when God feels so far away, I know He is walking beside me and I’m sure some days He’s carrying me. Then there are days when I feel like Jesus did when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He said.’My God why have you forsaken me’. There are times when I feel all alone. In an overpopulated world, in an overcrowded room; I still feel alone.

The part of this illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) that isolates me the most is that, for the most part, majority of people do not understand this illness. And I’m not blaming them, it’s just the way it is. I hope my writings have opened their eyes, minds, and hearts. May they realize this is not an illness of choice; but an illness of pain and suffering. But because they can’t see the pain and suffering doesn’t mean it’s not there. Support for many sufferers is definitely a big issue. Many are ashamed and afraid to ask for help from family and friends; afraid that they will be judged, stigmatized and misunderstood. And sadly to say, many people still don’t ‘get it’. Asking for help from the medical field is often not what we expected (I’ll save that for another blog).

So, yes I long to find my ‘normal’ again, I really miss it. But for now I’ll try to keep my head above water. When I say, ‘normal’, I use that word very loosely because there is no such thing as normal. It’s like using the word ‘perfect’, nothing is ‘perfect’. Let’s just say a somewhat healthy, functioning life would be nice. And to have a support system that understands, sometimes that means just allowing you to not be okay but accepts that in you, not having all the answers but a shoulder to lean on. Because sometimes what we need the most are not always words, but someone to just listen.

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A Day In The Life of My Mental Illness

 

 

 

 

 

I am so sick and tired of mental illness! I hate it! And I’m sure you must be tired of reading about my mental illness. Why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to blog? Why can’t someone else who’s probably a better writer, more qualified, more gifted, take up the torch. This week as been rough (what else is new lol); I took up my pen several times to write something. But there was nothing, I felt numb, blank, empty, nothing left to give, nothing left to share. The battle with my illness had left me powerless and speechless. I had nothing left to share that could possibly help someone else, I felt I needed someone to help me.

You see when you have been given a diagnoses such has mine, it is something that’s not going away; there is no cure. Just like cancer (and I am not comparing, they are two totally different illnesses) but in some ways they are alike. My ‘cancer’ as killed and destroyed who I am, it eats away at your soul, your self, your being and your will. It leaves you with the haunting fear of a relapse.

So this past week as awakened my somewhat sleeping monster. Before my eyes are opened to face the day; my mind is busy with crippling nightmares. Nightmares of being on a locked down unit on an hospital ward, not a prison ward. A prisoner not a patient. I will forever be traumatized by those evil days of hospitalization. Traumatized by the reality of knowing that I am treatment resistant and I have exhausted all available treatments. My dreams will not let me forget this mesmerizing reality. Then there’s the memories (of what memory I have left of that time) of ECT. In my dreams I’m awakened before the treatment is complete and I’m strapped to the bed and no one will free me. Then morning comes and I realize I’m safe, safe from my dreams but never safe from my reality.

I have to take control of my thoughts as soon as my eyes are open, if not, they could easily spiral out of control to a point of being extremely overwhelmed and panic could easily take over. But thankfully I am still able, to some extent, control my own thoughts. With a mental illness there are not just the mental symptoms but also the physical symptoms. There are times when panic attacks (and thankfully right now are pretty much under control) but I still experience related symptoms such as an extreme rise in body temperature and feelings of mild fear and panic. It’s my goal to keep them from escalating into a full blown panic attack; which I never want to experience again. So I start my day as if every things okay.

All day, every day, my physical body feels triple it’s weight, there’s an heaviness that never goes away. It may fluctuate but never leaves. Then there’s the rising tides of emotion that you just want to cry. Most times you don’t even know why; you just do.  Then you don’t  want to start because if you do, it just won’t stop. But sometimes I believe your emotions can be used for your good; a form of release. To admit this makes me feel weak but the truth is; God gave us emotions for a reason. Many times in the Bible, Jesus is recorded as being emotional; ‘Jesus wept.’ If Jesus can cry, and He’s the Son of God; then so can I. Because someone doesn’t shed tears, doesn’t make them any stronger then someone who does ( but if the truth were known; everyone cries). I remember my Dad being a very emotional man, especially when he talked of spiritual things and the faithfulness of God. And because of that I respect him, and admire his compassion for others; he had a big heart that made him a very strong, wise and gentle man. I hope to be just half the man he was, he left me with a great legacy that I hope I will live up to and make him proud. And when we meet again, I hope he can look at me and say, ‘See, I told you, you could do it’. But right now, today, I feel I can’t do it. But I will, somehow find my way.

By the time half my day is done; fatigue sets in, not just tired but exhausted. I fight it as long as I can but there are times when I just give in and have no choice but take a nap. And of course that makes me feel guilty, I’m not suppose to sleep in the middle of the day. But sometimes I just have to listen to my body and rest.

It’s my prayer everyday to just be able to have a day when I feel free and not be held captive by my mind. To just enjoy life, my wife and children without being dictated by my mind of what I can or cannot do. I get angry, angry at myself, angry at not being able to rid myself of this illness. I just want to live, not just to survive.

Not everyone who has a mental illness experience what I am experiencing. Every person is different and their journey may not be at all comparable to mine. If you are reading this and you experience a mental illness (mine being Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder), I hope that you cannot relate to what I am saying because I would not want to wish this on my worse enemy (I hope I have no enemies). I may be treatment resistant but that doesn’t mean that you are or will be. I pray that you will respond to your treatment successfully and are able to live a normal, functioning life. And although I may not be responding well to treatment, I am responding to a certain extent; just not to the point where I would like to be. But I will not give up hope, I will fight to the end!

 

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Hope In An Hopeless Situation

                                                         The days turn into months, the months into years and yet here I am still searching for that escape to freedom. Freedom from my own mind. My brain still captured and in bondage of that thing I call Depression. Some weeks seem like freedom is in sight, then that darkness overshadows me again. Giving up would be so easy to do, but where would that get me? So everyday I fight for my life and maybe just one day my fight will end  and my miracle will come. I sat in my doctors office just this week, drowning in a pool of tears;’ I’m just exhausted and tired of fighting’. As he looked helplessly into my dying eyes. My eyes told a story that never could be written. But hope is what keeps me alive, what keeps me moving, what pushes me to never give up.

After 2-3 years of trying practically every type of antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication on the market, every cocktail of drugs, psychotherapy, mindfulness therapy, talk therapy, acupuncture, inpatient assessments, a two month outpatient program at St. Clares Hospital, ECT- Electro Convulsive Therapy and I’m sure the list can go on. It was FINALLY decided that I was treatment resistant; no form of therapy was working. Is there any wonder I could become discouraged and lose hope? But despite everything, I make  the best of every day and try to live above my illness and circumstances.

I still believe that somehow, I am going to overcome this horrible existence that this illness as brought upon me. Treatment resistant or not, I am going to beat this! ‘I will look to the hills from whence cometh my help, my help comes from the Lord who made the Heavens and the Earth’. Its in those moments when I feel I can’t go on, when I have nothing left to fight with; that I have no choices left but to turn to God. It’s those times I find  hope, strength, peace and courage to go on. Many times over the pass few years I had to say, ‘Jesus take the Wheel’ (a song by Carrie Underwood). I can’t do this anymore, Jesus you take my wheel!

Just this week, I was at a very desperate place, a very dark place. I decided to do a little research of my own and see if there was something I was missing; I came across an article (two really, one pertaining to the other) that looked really interesting and hopeful, it was called Trans Cranial Magnetic Stimulation. Then of course I realized it wasn’t available in NL….surprise! But I thought that maybe I would share it with you and make this treatment more aware. And maybe one day, it could become available here; now that’s faith. Check it out:

 

This article was published by The Mayo Clinic, describing the treatment:

Transcranial magnetic stimulation
Overview
Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is a noninvasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. TMS is typically used when other depression treatments haven’t been effective.
How it works
During a TMS session, an electromagnetic coil is placed against your scalp near your forehead. The electromagnet painlessly delivers a magnetic pulse that stimulates nerve cells in the region of your brain involved in mood control and depression. And it may activate regions of the brain that have decreased activity in people with depression.
Though the biology of why rTMS works isn’t completely understood, the stimulation appears to affect how this part of the brain is working, which in turn seems to ease depression symptoms and improve mood.
Treatment for depression involves delivering repetitive magnetic pulses, so it’s called repetitive TMS or rTMS.
Mayo Clinic’s approach
Why it’s done
Depression is a treatable condition, but for some people, standard treatments aren’t effective. Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) is typically used when standard treatments such as medications and talk therapy (psychotherapy) don’t work.
Risks
Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (rTMS) is a noninvasive form of brain stimulation used for depression. Unlike vagus nerve stimulation or deep brain stimulation, rTMS does not require surgery or implantation of electrodes. And, unlike electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), rTMS doesn’t cause seizures or require sedation with anesthesia.

This article was published a few years ago but obviously nothing was ever done about it:

New depression therapy should be covered in N.L. say doctor, retired nurse
CBC News
December 11, 2015

Trudy Bradbury says her depression was successfully treated with drugs, but many others are not as lucky. (CBC)

A retired nurse from St. John’s and a doctor in Toronto are arguing that a new treatment for depression should be covered by the medical care plan in Newfoundland and Labrador.

“I would ask them to please have a look at this treatment because so many lives depend on it,” said Trudy Bradbury, who worked as a nurse for 34 years, and suffered from depression herself.

“I know how it feels. I experienced it 13 years ago,” said Bradbury.

“I was one of the lucky ones. I responded to medication and was able to return to work within a few weeks.”

She said about one-third of people with depression do not respond to drugs, and now she’s asking the provincial government to pay for a different kind of therapy.

Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation (RTMS) is a treatment that was approved by Health Canada in 2002, and is already covered in Quebec and Saskatchewan.

Re-setting the circuits

Dr. Jonathan Downar, a Toronto psychiatrist who specializes in brain stimulation, said RTMS is effective, with two out of every three patients showing complete or partial improvement.

“It’s a technology that was developed in the 1980s and 90s, where you can stimulate the brain without having to open anything up. So it uses a powerful focused magnetic field to directly activate the neurons of the brain,” he said.

The treatment works by stimulating neurons in the brain. (CBC)
​Downar, who offers RTMS at a private clinic in Toronto, says the treatment costs between $1,500 and $3,000, with patients needing 20 to 30 daily sessions.

“RTMS, it’s like exercise, it isn’t like surgery,” said Downar.

“So when you apply the stimulations, it’s like re-setting the circuits. It’s like when you re-set your watch, after a few months it will gradually creep back to the way it was again.”

Patients need occasional booster sessions, he said, but with proper treatment can stay well for a long time.

“My message to the Newfoundland government is please focus on the new technology that’s out there,” said Trudy Bradbury, who is motivated now by the depression of someone close to her.

She said the cost of running a treatment program in this province, and covering it under MCP is worth it, because patients will be able to go back to work, and lead productive lives.

It’s also an alternative to electroconvulsive (shock) therapy, which has side effects like the loss of short-term memory.

Cost vs benefit

Jonathan Downar said the cost of RTMS is coming down, with research on how to shorten treatments.

He also said it also provides access to care within weeks of being diagnosed with a mental illness.

Jonathan Downar is a Toronto doctor who says the long wait list for one-on-one psychotherapy means other treatments have to be offered. (CBC)
“We will never have enough psychotherapists do one-on-one therapy for patients,” he said.

“So we have to figure out a way to use our existing supply of physicians and other mental health workers to see larger numbers of people, while preserving quality treatment … to provide good psychiatric care for everybody who needs it, not just for the lucky ones who make it through the wait lists.”

Post-traumatic stress disorders and other conditions could also be treated with RTMS, said Downar.

“It’s being explored for addiction to tobacco and to alcohol and to other substances. And it’s also being used in some cases for OCD and eating disorders.”

Downar said the magnetic stimulation therapy should soon be approved for funding in Ontario. Alberta is also considering it, but in Atlantic Canada the only facility is at Dalhousie University.

Bradbury said she met with health officials in the Paul Davis government to make her pitch, but got no commitment.

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How Are You?

                                                              I am depressed! That’s not an everyday answer to the question,” How are you?” I think if you answered with that phrase, the other person would go in shock or think you were crazy. The more sociable response would be; I’m doing fine, I’m great, I’m good, etc.  We live in a Society that really doesn’t want to hear the real truth of how you are truly feeling but the more politically correct response. If you are sensitive to negativity and only surround yourself with positive people or if you think negative thoughts are contagious; then you better stop reading and leave this blog. I believe sometimes we mistake pain and hurt for negativity. If I were to say I only have positive thoughts, then I would be lying. If I did, I would be in denial or living in a bubble. All illness, physical or mental, bring with it negativity. We have two forces moving through the universe; negative and positive. And in order to produce electricity we need both. I believe in order to live a balanced life we need both forces to ignite our fire. To say we do not have negative thoughts, then I believe we are suppressing reality. Just as the sun shines, so must the rain fall.

Reality for me is living with negative thoughts, do I choose to live with these thoughts? Do I have a choice about these thoughts? Absolutely not! I don’t have a on/off switch. Who in their right mind (no pun intended) would want to be bombarded by negative thinking. Certainly not me. But that’s what depression is; having more negative thoughts, then positive thoughts. I do my part to keep these thoughts under control when I am at a capable place in my mindset. O well, you might say, “All you have to do is think positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people”. I pray to God it were that easy. That would be like saying to someone who has anorexia, “Just eat food”. It’s not that simple and that’s not the way it works. We have an illness, a brain disorder, and no amount of positive thinking will cure us. I’m hoping and praying that one day, my mind will heal completely, just as if I cut my finger and over time it healed.

My mental illness is much like a physical illness; if gone untreated it will only get worse and maybe even cause death. It is as real and painful has any physical illness. And will not go away on it’s own. “Suicide happens when pain exceeds the ability to cope”(Dianna Paige). People don’t kill themselves; their illness kills them. People are victims of suicide. Suicide is what kills them, their illness is what kills them. So mental illness needs to be treated before it escalates to a point where you have no hope.

How many slang negative terms can you come up with pertaining to mental illness; crazy, psycho, mental, insane, nuts, weird, etc. Now how many negative slang terms can you come up with for cancer? None, there are none. But both of these are illnesses; if you suffer an illness of the mind you are thought to be irrational but if you suffer a physical illness you are honorable, courageous and strong. Mental illness is the only illness that the person is blamed for their illness or lack of recovery.

I’m tired of living in a Society where you get a cast if your arm is broken, but if you have a mental illness, you become an outCAST.  Over the time it took to read this blog, over 20 people from around the world have died by suicide. With the proper support, guidance and care these deaths could have been prevented. It is up to us and is our responsibility to take a stand, end stigma and raise awareness for Mental Illness.