Category: Mental Illness

Depression, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. And my story; “A Broken Mind”

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What I’ve Learned About Depression

Depression is not the same for everyone.  My symptoms of depression  could be totally different then someone  elses. My most prominent symptoms were  uncontrollable emotion , sadness and hopelessness. Someone else’s could be totally different.

The duration of my depression could be different then someone else. Some people may only experience depression for a few months and may never experience it again. But others like myself may experience depression for long periods of time. My first episode was when I was sixteen and up until my last episode, I had several  throughout my lifetime. But I always seemed to manage to crawl out of the dark hole and live a functional life. Up until 4-5 years ago (I’m 52 now) I experienced the worst  episode of my life. It was an episode where I was totally shut down as it were. This does not mean that everyone will experience what I did and I pray they never will. I still struggle to this day; not to the extreme that I did at the beginning of my breakdown, but I still struggle.

Medication doesn’t always work for everyone. I was treatment resistant, so medication did not always work for me. It took years (2-3) for me to find something that remotely alleviated some of my symptoms. Nothing was a cure!  I am still not back to a functioning level where I could live a “normal” life. My depression  is not what you would say to be “under control”. So I have to fight every day to have some form of normalcy to my life.

Depression can destroy your life, that’s why you have to fight for your life! And there are days when you feel like that fight is depleted. It can destroy relationships, marriages and  friendships.  Some people cannot cope with this dreaded disease and just “run”. They can’t take it anymore. For caregivers of someone with mental illness this is very common. The stress, the strain and the strength it takes just becomes too overwhelming. Everyone has a breaking point.

There is no one exempt from depression. If you have this gene, if this is a part of your anatomy or its inherited through your family bloodline then you can exercise til the cows come home, do yoga til it’s coming out your ears or think positive thoughts until they come out of your yen yang(wherever that is). If you are prone to have depression, then you will. But learning to live with it is a must. Doing all those things I mentioned will certainly help,  I’m just saying they will not cure you. Sometimes I believe that accepting it relieves some of the strain of living with depression. Because fighting “all of the time” can leave you lifeless. It’s like a car, if you keep going, the gasoline will eventually run out.

Not everyone will understand your illness, they just won’t “get it”. Don’t even waste your time trying. Surround yourself with people that do. Don’t be shocked when you encounter someone close to you, whom you thought would  understand but didn’t . Some people , especially if they haven’t encountered depression or any mental illness, just won’t get it. That’s no reflection on you but on their ignorance ( not knowing). And just leave it at that!

Life is not on a plateau or a level plane. It is more like a roller coaster. Everybody experiences ups and downs. Those dealing with depression probably have more downs then ups. But we have to realize it’s all a part of life. The good, the bad, the ugly.  So whether we suffer from depression or not; we will have ups and downs to our moods. Just remember when you are experiencing a up; enjoy it to the fullest.

In conclusion , everyone’s journey is different!  For some people medication is a must. For others, long term psychotherapy might be the answer.  Whatever works! What I am  suggesting is that everyone has a path to healing and the main thing is to find it and never give up!
Continue reading “What I’ve Learned About Depression”

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Relapse Prevention

Depression like addiction is an ongoing  chronic condition that is subject to repeated episodes. My first episode was when I was only sixteen , I remember very little about this time. I do remember I spent most of my time asleep and could not function. Totally shut down. I also remember going to the doctor and have him send me home with no help whatsoever. He just said, “there is no medications available for teenagers or youth. There was no help, I had to sink or swim and I was sinking fast; drowning in my own despair!

Recovery from depression is not a one time event, it is an ongoing process. Getting out of depression happens in two stages; 1. You have to get out of hell, 2. You have to stay out of hell. The best way to prevent a relapse is to closely monitor your own feelings and mood.

The beginning stage of a relapse is disruption of sleep, appetite change, more tired, worrying, apathetic, etc. Being aware of these early signs and nipping them in the bud, before they escalate into something worse is a must.

The second stage of a relapse is called “beginning of a crisis” when things are shutting down. When symptoms are interfering with your everyday  functioning. Reach out for support; call your doctor, your therapist  or anyone you know that can help you through this. This stage is my greatest fear because you feel like you are loosing control again. And you are heading back to that ugly place where you never want to go again. This stage doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where you’re headed. It’s your body and mind saying, “you come first, take care of yourself”. Before you ever get to stage three you need to be proactive.

This is stage three where you don’t want to be ever again. But if you do, don’t loose hope! You will get through this; you’ve done this before.  This is where you can’t function anymore, you become disabled; a full blown relapse. It’s here you may need to go back in the hospital. Or have someone  to take care of you at home. But you will pull through this again. Just don’t give up the fight,never loose hope.

Throughout my lifetime I have had many second stage relapses or episodes as I would call them. Where I became very depressed and required  medical attention. A visit to my doctor usually to tweek my medication and in a few months I’m doing fairly well again. Most of those times I am still at a functioning level. I ran my own business for about 28 years. Take a few days off,here and there, and do a lot of self-talk, family and friends support and pray.

My last episode was a full blown relapse where I was hospitalized, various treatments, medications and a period of time when I didn’t want to fight anymore; I just wanted to die. It as taken me four years to crawl out of this abyss. To say the least this as been a battlefield of the mind. I have fought with every ounce of strength I have.

These pass few days have been very fearful for me; it’s my greatest fear in life that I would relapse. I’ve been doing fairly well for the last few months. But this week as been rough, I am feeling more emotional than usual, uneasy, a feeling that you know inside that something is just not right. You have to push yourself more than usual.  I’m hoping that it’s a trigger that I’m facing and not a full blown relapse. You see our dog, Brady, passed away a few days ago and maybe what  I’m feeling is grief and loneliness. He was not “just” a dog, he was a part of our family for twelve years. So I pray to God, in all His mercy, that He will not put me through a relapse ever again. And that I will overcome this battle once again! Maybe this is just a bump in the road.

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Does Mental Illness Change Who You Are?

Am I the same person I was before I became severely ill? No and neither are you. None of us are; we are forever evolving. There are times when I look back and wish I were that person again but that’s not going to happen. And that is probably for the best. Maybe my experience through my illness as made me an even better person; more understanding, compassionate and more aware of myself and others around me.

But the part of me that wants that old person back (the  person before my illness) is the part of me that didn’t have to fight to be happy, I didn’t have to put on a front or a forced smile, it just happened. Although I am at a better stage in my illness, I still struggle everyday to be “well”. And also that little voice in my subconscious that reminds me every day that my life can change in a second. My greatest fear; a relapse! But I can’t live in fear that that’s going to happen. I have to be aware of my illness everyday and be conscious  of my mental well being and never let my guard down. If that’s what’s required to keep me mentally healthy then that’s what I’ll do.

I am now at a crucial stage of my recovery; sometimes I think it’s a more dangerous stage then my acute stage. It’s a time when you have a tendency to let your guard down and with this illness; everyday is a work in progress. You have to constantly keep your mind in the moment and never forget where you came from.  Things can change; your circumstances, your everyday routines, life struggles, positive and negative stresses. Any of these things can trigger a setback. And that can put your mind in a spin and panic can set in rather quickly. But remind yourself that nobody as a perfect day, life comes with it’s ups and downs, good and bad…. a roller coaster ride. But because we    have a bad day doesn’t mean we have to head back to the psychic  ward. This too shall pass!

There is one thing I’ve learned  and that is people are watching. Now that can add extra stress to your day but it’s best to concentrate on your own well being and not get caught up in what others think or say. It’s only you that knows what’s going on, on the inside. Too bad we can’t wear our illness on our foreheads, that way people would not have to surmise how you are feeling. As with  other illnesses, you can visually see how that person is doing but dangerously with mental  illness; you cannot see, everything may look fine on the outside.

Yes, I have changed, but that doesn’t mean I’m not the same person but in a different way. The illness itself as taken its toll on me both mentally and physically. But I live everyday with  what I have, some days good,other  days not so good. I work with what I have; strength/ weakness, positivity / negativity, courage / fear, whatever it may be ; I do it because I have to.

I now look at life in an whole new perspective . I don’t take one second for granted. Life is so unpredictable, tragedy or sickness can change your life without a moments notice. What we choose to do with it can make all the difference. It can make us bitter or better. I strive everyday to be that better person.

Change is a part of life. And yes I have changed and I hope you can accept that change in me. I’m trying to be the best of my ability to  be the best person I can be with what I have. Take me for who I am at this moment, for the people that have been with me through this change, please remember; we have all changed. Embrace the change and go with it. It’s not a bad thing! Change is inevitable in all of us!

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My Survival Guide for Depression, Anxiety and Panic Attacks.

Self-talk

Talk to yourself, no that doesn’t mean you’re crazy. You  help your depression by telling yourself that you will get through this, there is always hope. Use positive affirmations; mine was and still is; ‘one day, one hour, one minute at a time’. Keep your thoughts in the moment; not in the past and not in the future. All you have is right here, right now, this very moment, nothing else. The past is gone, the future you have no control over; what you have is this moment right now. When you are feeling very anxious or having a panic attack; remind yourself that this will not last forever, ride out the storm; it will pass. Remember to breath and concentrate on your breathing, when your mind wanders to other thoughts, bring it back to your breathing. Before you know it you will be calm again. Always tell yourself that these feelings, sensations, and thoughts will not harm you; you will get through this and eventually they will get fewer and fewer. So again, you can talk your way through this, it really works. You are stronger then you think!

Medication

If you are on medication, make sure you take it around the same time everyday and try never to miss a dose. Mornings are the worse and hardest for me, so I make sure it’s then I take my medication. Taking your medication gives you a sense of, you’re doing  something to make this better. Medication right now as helped me and I would not be without it. I even carry a small portion in a little pillcase and put it in my pocket everyday; just in case. Again it just eases my mind just knowing that I have it close by. So always take your medication; no excuses!

Support

People with mental illness most often have a tendency to isolate themselves from everyone. This is not a good practice, you will need support from others. A good place to start is family and close friends; be very cautious here because not everyone will “get it” or understand what you are going through. But you will get to know who does and who doesn’t. So concentrate on those that does. Social media can help; You Tube as helped me a lot, one guy in particular called bignoknow; just do a search, he has been where we are and totally gets it. Also the NL Government as a website called “Bridging the Gap” that can be a source of support. Most importantly, seek out someone you can talk to who as been down this road before and have survived! People cross our paths, not by chance, but for a reason. I was just recently approached by a man who heard my story and told me a little about his. I’ve seen this person around and I would never have suspected that he suffered from a mental illness that is so parallel to mine. It encouraged me so much to know that I am not  alone, that there are definitely others who have been where I am and have survived. And I will too and so will you! I  also find support through my church; a church family gives you the feeling of belonging and surrounds you with people who care.

Meditation/Prayer

This is one battle in your life that you will and cannot fight alone. No medication, talk theraphy, no doctor will cure you. You will have to turn to someone greater. You will have to rely on an higher power and for me that is God. For me, meditation and prayer went hand in hand. Time alone when you can talk, plead and seek God’s help and strength. Without Him I would not be where I am today. So trust even when your faith is small. Pray! Pray! Pray!

Exercise

This doesn’t mean you have to run a marathon. It just means you have to get up and move, even when you don’t feel like it. I remember when I was really sick my doctor recommended that I start of with a five minute walk. Even that was a lot when I was so acutely ill. But everything in baby steps, I gradually worked up to thirty minutes. But just getting out of the house and getting some fresh air into your lungs can make you feel a little better.

Routine & Structure

Lastly, you have to have routine and structure to your day. Just get up, dress up and show up; my motto for each day. Get up and make your bed, wash dishes, do laundry, anything to make you feel you are contributing and accomplishing something. Also, outside things like; go grocery shopping, this can seem impossible to do but gradually work into it. Maybe go to the Post Office. It’s the little things that help. Also as part of your daily routine; you can start journaling. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a book. Just getting it out on paper can make you feel a little better; a release. Just don’t think about doing something, do it!

Hopefully this guide will help in some way. I wish there were more I could do to take away the pain, despair, hopelessness and struggle that I know you are having because I have been there and  still struggles today but I am doing much better. Remember; one day, one hour,  one minute at a time. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!

 

 

 

 

 

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What is Depression?

We so loosely use the phrase; “I’m depressed”. We feel down or a temporary case of the blues-something we all experience- has nothing to do with real depression.

True depression is not the blues, sadness or even grief. The pain associated with depression is overwhelming despair like none other you will ever experience in your lifetime. Depression is a treatable mental illness, where the person who receives treatment responds well. But there is no cure, the best the medical field can promise is to get you back to a functioning level. It’s like living with diabetes; you get  under control but never cured.

Many of the most overwhelming symptoms of depression are thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness, fatigue and suicide. The pain is so great, people can view death as a relief. It’s a fact that 15% of people with chronic depression commit suicide.

The most common treatment for depression involves medication designed to increase the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain and  thus improve your depression. Medication for depression is a complex topic. There are so many drugs and cocktails of drugs that it’s very difficult to establish which drug/combination of drugs best work for you; it’s trial and  error, everyone is different.

Personally speaking I was diagnosed as treatment resistant and didn’t respond to medication very well. It took about 2-3 years of trial and error. I am now doing “fairly” well using three different drugs; Bromazepan 6mg 3x daily, Venlafaxine 187.5mg once daily, and Mirtazapine 30mg at bedtime. They seem to be keeping my depression under control and help with some of the symptoms. Finding the right medication for you can take a trial and error period but stick with it, there is something  out there that will help.

Other treatments include; Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), Psychotherapy, Family support and educate yourself; knowledge is power.

Depression is often described as a “chemical imbalance” in the brain. Your brain chemicals, neurotransmitters are not at the levels they should be to maintain a positive mood. The neurotransmitters that affect mood are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. So with medication it is the hope that these chemical imbalances can be stabilized to a point where you can live a fairly “normal” life. So there is hope, don’t give up, it’s finding the right medication suited for you.

My personal definition of depression is a little taste of hell on earth! But with ‘HOPE’ you will always see a glimpse of Heaven!

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Depression is a Choice! Words Matter!

Be careful the words you say…. they could kill!

The Bob’s of the world are out there and they believe that we have a choice. We choose to be depressed. I am so tired of hearing this and then there’s ‘be strong’. Are you trying to say I am weak? I’m sick! How can you be depressed, you have everything going for you? You have a beautiful wife, beautiful kids, a nice house, etc.. What’s your problem? I don’t have a problem, I have an illness. If I won the lottery today, it would not make any difference to my mental health; that’s not the way depression works.

We are not talking about someone who is down because their cat died or a down day; feeling a bit blue. Everybody have days like that but what I’m talking about is a neurological, biological, chemical issue with their brain and they don’t know what’s going on, they are scared to death. The last thing you need is someone minimizing, misunderstanding and misjudging you.

The thing about clinical/major depression is people on the outside cannot see it. You don’t wear it on your chest (you probably should, then people might get it). You wear a smile on your face and put on a fascade that you could win an Academy Award. That person appears great and then they kill themselves. But they looked and seemed fine the last time I saw them! We can fake it to the bitter end  if we think we have to. We don’t wear our depression on our skin like a rash. To preserve our pride, dignity, our ego; to hide from the Bob’s. Don’t listen to these people who think they have all the answers; the Bob’s of the world, they will always be. But don’t take it personally.

Let me paint you a dark picture Bob. You might walk around self righteous, in your “good” mental state and say something ignorant to a friend or family member (who is suffering from depression), that you make them feel so embarrassed, ashamed, so unworthy of their illness, insecure that they are not stable like you, that they might go and kill themselves. You might have killed someone; that’s what ‘words’ can do.

So if you don’t know what you’re talking about; shut up! I know we have the well do’ers who think they’re helping by saying certain things like; ‘be strong’, ‘think positive’, ‘you don’t have anything to be depressed about. You’ve been blessed if you have not been clinically depressed or dealt with major depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we are not that fortunate. So saying something hurtful (maybe not intentionally meaning too) but you say it anyway; can push that person over the edge. So be careful what you say, is it really going to do some good or will it harm someone, think before you speak. Some of us don’t have that luxury of choosing to be well, it just happens and out of our control.

We all need to look out to each other, we all matter, each life matters. The people that are depressed, didn’t ask to be depressed. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. And pray, pray you never get depressed. If I could pass this illness over to you for just one moment; you would never say something insensitive, mean, ignorant, cold ever again.

So overlook the “Bob’s” of the world. You matter, what you feel is real. Embrace the people that understand and truly care. You’re going to be ok! Don’t listen to the Bob’s of the world but listen to your own heart. And to the Bob’s of the world; SHUT UP! WORDS MATTER!

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The Cold, Hard Truth About Mental Illness, Depression and Suicide

  1. II thank God for social media because it gives me a voice, a means to tell my story to others who need to hear it.

Up until recently, I thought that society had come a long way when it comes to the way people look at mental  illness and suicide. I thought the walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) had come down somewhat. And maybe they have to a certain point but we have such a long way to go.

You may ask, why would you go on such a public forum and talk about something so stigmatised and controversial? A topic many would not even talk about because of fear and shame. Well, I have nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of and if I can help save the life of one person; it would make it all worth while. So I speak out once again!

To the person who is suffering in silence, you are not alone. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will; ‘rise again’!

I don’t get up in the morning and say, “I think I’ll have a crappy day today, that would be so much fun”. NO! I awake with panic, a flow of an hot sensation all through my body, accompanied by fear. I get up and struggle through most of the day, hoping this will be a “good day”. It is not “a choice” as some would say or think. Your broken mind is misfiring and happy thoughts don’t come naturally. The chemical imbalance in your brain causes you to see darkness, hopelessness, helplessness and constant negative thoughts that a “normal” brain would not feel. Don’t get excited and think you’re normal – there is no such thing; we all have something, none of us are perfect.

Then there’s the “myth” that it’s the devil making you feel this way. Well let’s not give the devil so much credit! This is not a spiritual battle going on in my head, no more then someone with cancer fighting a spiritual battle, they are fighting an illness and so are people with a mental diagnosis. Yes, I believe as sin entered the world, so did sickness. It’s far beyond my mental ability to understand the “WHY?” I don’t know why God allows this to happen, why I’m sick, why some die by  suicide, why some have cancer and the list goes on. But God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. We cannot see the big picture because our thinking is so small compared to that of an all knowing God. And that’s where I leave it; to God! It’s not for me to say or judge, that’s His department. I just need to trust that He knows best.

Then there’s suicide. What? You are going to talk about suicide? Yes, indeed I am. The ancient myths, lies, opinions and beliefs about suicide are sickening and primitive. It’s time to open our mouths (we use it for everything else) and our eyes, minds, and hearts. I am/was borderline suicidal, when I was at the acute stage of my illness. I prayed to God to just let me die and end all this pain and torment. I could not come to do it myself, not that I’m any stronger then the next person but I believe God as another plan for me and that’s why I’m still here. To be an advocate, a voice; to help others and their caregivers and to give insight on what this illness really is all about. Some statements that I have heard over the years are: 1. If they took their own life, they must be going to hell. 2. That is such a selfish thing to do. 3. They could not have thought about their family and the impact it would have on them. These statements would definitely come from someone who has no idea, no knowledge about the illness and never walked in their shoes.

First of all, the pain and torment that this illness brings is unbearable and you feel the only escape, the only way out is suicide. You see no hope, only a dark tunnel with no light at the end. You get so desperate and so tired of fighting, until all your strength is gone; you have nothing left but flesh and bones, no ability to reason. Thus death is your only way to find peace. Also this is not a selfish act or cowardly way out as some would say but quite the opposite. It is a way to relieve your caregivers of the burden you have brought into their lives. It’s a way to free them of the worry, pain and suffering you have afflicted on them. So you are convinced that they would be better off without you. You are doing them a favour. For those of you who have suffered a lost of a loved one, know now that they are finally at peace and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that made them do this. The real person that they were, is now at peace with the angels and are watching over you from afar.

I hope in some small way I have shed some light on this so misunderstood and complicated disease. May we all find compassion, love and forgiveness and  look at mental illness in an whole new light. And may we never be quick to pass judgement on anyone suffering with a mental illness, until we’ve walked a mile in their shoes. May God open our minds and hearts to be our “brothers keeper”.