Category: Life

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Writing- Therapy?

I’m reading a book by Benjamin Cox and in his book he says, “I am writing to save my life; it’s the only thing that helps, like therapy in a way.” I can totally relate to what he’s referring to. Ben is a recovering addict; I’m a recovering mental ill person. Just like Ben, we will have to fight our “demons” for the rest of our lives.

Every day for me is still a battle/struggle. Life doesn’t come by so easily has it use to. Even the  little things, sometimes seem so overwhelming. Just like Ben, I will always be a work in progress. There will be days when I don’t feel so well but I do have things in place that help me to cope. And writing my thoughts on paper, I find really helps. Then sharing these thoughts on my blog makes me feel  like I am helping someone else who is suffering from their mental illness.

It seems like forever since I have written, but that’s because I have written but have not published in my blog. Sometimes my thoughts are too deep that they are not for public viewing. This  past week has really been a tough one. In spite of my illness, I still have so many battles to fight. All of which are triggers for my illness but fight I must; I don’t live in a bubble, life still has to move on.  One such battle is trying to obtain funding for Lauren.  We get no Government assistance; I have gone from Provincial to Federal with no hope in sight. Then accessibility and all inclusion battles have left me discouraged, drained and to a point of just giving up but I know I can’t; she’s depending on me.  Raising a child with a disability opens your eyes to an whole new different world; that only those who have experienced it can relate. A world and society that are not all that accepting has we hope to think they are.

I guess now I’m an advocate for both our disabilities; Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder and Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy. Neither of which our society has made it any easier to be accepted and included. There is a stigma attached to both and I’m sure that  Ben can certainly relate to; with him being a recovering addict.

I find writing to be an outlet. A place to free your mind of all it’s thought. A means to find an escape, even if it’s only for a few moments. Like Ben, if it’s going to save my life then I will write, write write!

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A Fight For Our Lives

It’s been said ,”that it’s the scrupy wheel that get’s the grease”. It seems I’ve been the scrupy wheel quite often these pass few months. If I have a cause that needs grease then I have no problem stating my case. From mental health issues, accessibility for disabled persons, inclusion for all, funding for disability needs, etc. We have to fight for our lives!  I feel this should go public, just to give you a glimpse into what we have to fight for and this is just a taste.

Several months ago I contacted  our MHA; Ms. Pam Parsons because we were barely surviving. I was speaking with her assistant, who I poured my heart and soul out to. Only to learn we did not qualify for anything ( I’m referring to some help, care and cost for Lauren who has Spastic Quadriplegic cerebral palsy) because of my wife’s income. I heard back from Ms. Parsons this week, not because of my visit to her office but because of my appearance on the NTV show, Heart Matters. It was obvious to me she did not make the connection. When I brought it up, she knew nothing of my visit and had to look up my file to see just what I was all about. I sensed a little disconnection on their part.

After a lengthy conversation with Ms. Parsons it was obvious to me that the Provincial Government was certainly not going to be our lifeline. Yet she did promise to work on our “file” that wasn’t looking all that hopeful.

She then suggested I contact our Federal MP; Mr Ken McDonald. Which I did and again could only speak to his assistant. I documented every word I said during this conversation. And I thought I should share it with you in hopes that public knowledge would add extra pressure.

She started the conversation with, “well what is it exactly you are looking for?” And I started my lengthy monologue:

What I am fighting for is our lives, I feel we are a family drowning in despair, tired of fighting, totally exhausted.

I have fought mental illness all my life, but five years ago I experienced a total mental breakdown. Meaning I was rendered totally disabled; unable to function. I was told by my psychiatrist there was no cure for my illness and that I needed to apply for Canada Pension Disability because it was unlikely I would ever return to work. Our world that day was forever changed. I went from a person that was self-employed for 28 years, to a person with an income of $900 a month through CPD. And because of my illness my brain and body totally shut down.  So my wife was now caregiver for me, my now six year old son, plus our now four year old daughter; who at one years old  was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy. Again a second life altering diagnosis that we had to face, in an already struggling family.

We lived in St.John’s as long has we could until we were forced into bankruptcy and lost everything we had. And on top of all this chaos, struggle and stress, my wife still had to work in order to keep this already struggling family together.Because of all this financial ruin we were forced to move to Bay Roberts; to be closer to family for some support.

Now five years have passed, we are still fighting to hold the pieces together. I am doing much better but far from a functioning, normal human being. With all the hell my wife has encountered, she was diagnosed now with severe anxiety and depression. Thus she was forced by her doctors  to take a leave; no human human being could survive the amount of stress that she is under and still function in a classroom of 28 children and not have a breaking point.

Its certainly true  that in our society today it takes two incomes for a normal family to survive. We are far from  “NORMAL”. Lisa’s income just does not cut it. With Lauren’s needs alone we require one income, to support her needs. Thus far we have had to depend on family, fundraising and various charities. This financial burden should not be placed on others. it’s not their responsibility to do so. And it’s not our lifestyle to be constantly looking for money from family and the general public, they have done enough. Now it’s time for the Government to step in. Lauren is a child that requires much needed treatment, equipment and care; for which we get no assistance.  She deserves better! Now what are you going to do about it?

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When God Says, “NO”!

I have prayed many prayers and of course expected a yes answer; in His time. But what if my answer was a “No”. This thought came to me today, well if God doesn’t want  to answer my prayer with a yes. What then?  How do I  react, what are my feelings toward God; will I be angry, disturbed or even become bitter. Would I question God and say, “why not”?  Did God say no in the bible to prayer request? I really don’t know the answer to those questions. So it’s my quest for this blog to search for the answers and share my findings with you. So let’s begin our journey.

Let’s start by looking at our earthly father. Did my Dad always answer yes to all my request? Not really because he would always say, “ask your mother’. And of course Mom had no trouble saying no when necessary. Looking back now, I really see that no wasn’t always a bad thing. No was for our own good, for our protection, safety and well being. It didn’t mean they loved us any less but sometimes a no answer was a, “because I love you so much answer”. So I believe there is a great parallel between my earthly father and my Heavenly Father. When God sometimes says, no, it’s because He has a greater yes in store for me/us.

Let’s explore the Bible and search for times when God said, no, to His people. In 1 Chronicles 28:3, God said no to David. ‘God said to me, “David told his people, “You shall NOT build a house for My name because you are a man of war and have shed blood”. But in his parting words, David chose to focus on what God had allowed him to do. Rather than wallowing in self- pity or bitterness regarding his unfulfilled dream, David praised God with a grateful heart. O may I learn  from David and have a grateful heart. Right now, that’s not exactly  where I am but through my weakness, I will find my way and gratitude will come.

The Bible says, “If we ask anything according to HIS WILL….we have what we asked of Him (1 John 5:14-15). This verse tells me there will be “no” answers, if what we are praying for is not His will. Here we must trust that God knows what He’s doing and sometimes in our human flesh we may be outside the will of God. “thy will be done on earth has it is in Heaven”.

The apostle Paul, author of most of the New Testament, begged God three times to remove a thorn in his flesh and God said, “no” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). God had a greater purpose in mind, far above what Paul could ever imagine.

Then  one of the greatest “no” answers to a prayer was Jesus himself. When He prayed to His Heavenly Father, the night before He died on the cross, that He would rid Him of His suffering and God said “NO” (Mark 14:32-42). If God  hadn’t told Jesus no, we would have never had the opportunity of salvation!

Now on a more personal level, I have prayed to God countless times and  got a “no” answer. That can sometimes leave us angry, we question God and ask God, “why not?” It can make us feel that God is not listening to us or doesn’t care. But none of that is true. God loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3). God has our best interest at heart, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you,says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). The song says, ” My HOPE is built on nothing less, then Jesus blood and righteousness”.

When my Dad was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer, my world was forever changed. My Dad was a man of great faith and if faith had anything to do with being healed, then he would certainly have been healed. But God’s answer was “no”. I couldn’t understand; weeks later he passed away. But he left me with the greatest answer to my question of why God says “NO”. On his death bed he had an amazing attitude and trust in God. For he said,”I cannot loose, either way I will win. I will be healed or if not, I will still win because I will go to my home in Heaven that God has prepared for those who love and serve Him. Through Jesus dying on the cross, He had taken away the sting of death. “Where, o death, is your victory? Where , o death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:55-57). So even when God said “no”, Dad still won and was victorious through our Lord Jesus.

With my own illness, I have sought God’s  healing numerous times but because He hasn’t healed me completely, doesn’t mean that His healing hasn’t taken place in my life and for that I am grateful. And with Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy I have often wondered ; where’s the fairness? What’s the purpose? I have more questions than answers for our lives’ struggles. But there’s one thing I’ve learned and that is, I could never do this in my own strength. I lean every day on Him, for He said in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities (boast in my weaknesses), that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

So I guess God does not always answer our prayers with a yes. And I’m sure that is for the best; God knows what he’s doing. In our finite minds we cannot see the big picture. I’m learning everyday to put my trust and faith in Him, especially when He says, “No”! And when He does I have to realize that it’s for my good, it’s not to hurt me or that He loves me any less. So sometimes when we feel our prayers go unanswered, God is listening always. In His time, in His way, He will answer!

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Logan’s Journey

I want to introduce you to an amazing little six year old boy named Logan. When we decided to have children (after been married for thirteen years) we were told we would probably never be able to conceive a child on our own. After working with Fertility Specialists for over a year, we had no progress. So our last and only hope of having a child would be by IVF; Invitro Fertilization.

IVF was a very costly procedure and would be done in Calgary, Alberta. With bags packed and hearts full of anticipation and hope, off we go to Calgary. Once the procedure was complete, which took about a week, we were homeward bound again. Then we waited for two weeks before we could take a pregnancy test; to find out it was positive! To make a long story short, we were soon the proud parents of a “bouncing” baby boy. And two years later we were surprisingly blessed with a beautiful baby girl, you talk about divine intervention and a little “work” by Mommy and Daddy. It was a year later when we would learn the devastating and life altering news of Lauren’s diagnosis with Cerebral Palsy.

Logan has grown to be such an amazing, intelligent, sociable, fun loving little boy. But you see as much has we try to protect and shelter him from all the “challenges” of our lives, this is impossible to do. When I was very sick, especially during ECT treatments, I spent most of my time asleep. How could a little boy understand why his Daddy was always asleep and couldn’t play with him. I hate my illness for stealing this precious time away from my little boy; time I can never get back. Has I’m writing this I am also realizing how much of my memory of this period of my life is gone, due to ECT, medication and the severity of my depression. But we are trying to make new memories and making life as normal has possible for both our children.

Logan is his father’s child when it comes to his love for animals. His first love were worms, then snails, our dog; Brady (who has since gone to Heaven). Then we thought some fish would satisfy his longing for more pets, but only to find out he also had a love for bunnies. Which now he is the proud owner of a blue eyed, white mini lop; the love of his life. Recently we visited Lester’s Farm, Logan wanted to know if we could buy farm animals. I said, “we’ll have to wait and see. A pig has really peaked his curiousity (all things are possible in our household; never say never).

Logan also has a love for singing, that’s also in his genes. His ability to remember songs, his voice range and tune is amazing. I can’t wait to see where he goes with it; “the skies the limit”.

When it comes to toys,he first became fasinated with trains, all trains, not just Thomas the Train. To bad we live on an island where there are no trains, kind of ironic. Then there’s his love for Star Wars and Star Wars Legos. Him and Daddy spent many hours putting together large Star Wars Lego space ships; Daddy loved it.

Logan’s greatest achievement, accomplishment, and love is his little sister Lauren. He’s become her mentor, “Bruddy” is the sparkle in her eye and vice versa. They just love each other (most of the time). If there is anybody that will motivate Lauren to move or maybe even walk; it will be Logan. He can do anything with her and she loved it; they are best buddies.

Logan has seen and experienced more in his little lifetime then most kids, when it comes to life challenges. But I believe it’s those experiences that have made him into the amazing, caring, loving little boy that he has become. He has taught us all, that
there is joy in living and we can overcome any opstacle because we have something that money can’t buy; LOVE! And we just “love him to pieces!”

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A Therapeutic Reflection

Here it is… Yet another therapeutic reflection:

Life certainly has it’s modern conveniences! Practically everything we could need, or want, is at our fingertips. Our immediate access covers from worldwide information to Keurig coffee! It’s only when there’s a glitch in the system, do we even stop to realize how good we have it.
Up until now, we have enjoyed, and have probably taken for granted, the seamless flow of life’s ease of access. While Lauren was a baby, she appeared like any other baby. Cerebral palsy didn’t show itself much at all. Now, Lauren is becoming that independent little girl who wants to “do it myself”! This is when we realize that many of life’s conveniences are not quite as accessible to someone with a disability.
It’s 2016, and some public places have no ramps, push buttons for doors, adequate space to move a chair, proper bathroom facilities, etc
You see, even at home, the required equipment for daily living is different, yes different, from others. ‘Special’ chairs/seats and required therapy items cost double to triple that of the ‘regular’ needs.
What’s my point?? I guess it’s just that we are coming to terms more and more with the additional obstacles that Lauren will have to hurdle. As her parents, our role is to keep these issues as ‘just obstacles’ and NOT
‘limitations’!
Society, too, needs to pause and take note of exactly ‘who’ our modern conveniences cater to. Not everyone will be able to see past the obvious, but those of us who love someone who has a disability will become much more aware of what is often take for granted!
Our goal is to empower our children to find their way in the world. Life has conveniences, yes;but, life is posing challenges now that were once unimaginable! Equal opportunity for all means that some will require different means in order to make it to the same place. Lauren, and other children with disabilities, are no less equal because they are ‘different’. In fact, their ABILITY to find ways to ‘do it myself’ in spite of their DISABILITY, is a lesson to all!
Lisa

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It’s Not All About Me

When you have an illness, especially long term, it’s not only the patient that’s affected but also the caregiver. I’m not just referring to my own illness but anyone with any kind of illness or disability, whether that be cancer, stroke, heart attack and the list goes on. Behind every sick person there’s that one caregiver who is there 24/7. How does that person survive and not get swallowed up in all the stress and not experience burnout? And how does a marriage or relationship (if the caregiver is your spouse or partner) survive such a traumatic experience and still survive? It’s my goal to give you some insight, hope and to answer some questions we might ask.

With my illness, major depression and anxiety disorder, I became a different person. My illness stripped me of my personality, my self worth, self esteem, my job, my everything; to a point where I felt I was left with nothing, not even a soul. My wife was living with a different man, a man she did not know, a stranger. But deep, deep down inside,that man was still there, trying desperately to come back. Really she was a caregiver for three children; myself, and our two children, one with Cerebral Palsy. I was totally in her care, I could not do this on my own; I was disabled and could not function. But the burden was placed on her to be strong and keep our family together. How long can one person survive in this environment and then try to keep her teaching career has well? In answer to that question; no human being can possibly stand up to all this pressure, there is a breaking point.

Our marriage has suffered immensely, the road has been long and rough. I know many days she must have felt like running and I would not blame her. But thus far we are still together and fighting to get “us” back. Statistics show that marriages undergoing the pressures and stress that ours is, do not survive. But thank God we are surviving and hoping for better days. We have certainly put our marriage vows to the test; “for better or worse”(we’ve experienced the worse), “for richer for poorer” (we’ve been down to nothing, financially), “in sickness and in health” (we have been tested to the max). And praying to God each day that He will hold us together.

The way in which a mental illness differs from many (but not all) other illness, is that with a mental illness it changes who you are, on a personal level. My wife was not living with the same man anymore, this adjustment is what many cannot wrap their heads around. After five years we are now trying to rekindle that love again. Mental illness has certainly been a big strain on our marriage but its going to take a lot of hard work to survive. But we are giving it all we got and some days that’s not a lot; we are so drained and exhausted. So if you are reading this and you are a caregiver of any illness; my hats off to you! May God give you strength, courage, and hope to go on.

Then there’s the question; how can one person (the caregiver) survive all of this stress and not reach a breaking point. I really believe, it’s not possible that it does change who that person has become. The years of stress, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, hopelessness, fatigue; all take it’s tole on that person. Maybe it’s easy for someone to judge a caregiver and say , “well that’s what they signed up for”. That is not true and if you haven’t walked in their shoes and haven’t experienced the life of a caregiver, then don’t judge. But instead, be that helping hand, that voice of encouragement and that source of strength for the caregiver. For they need and deserve all the help they can get, just has much as the ill person. But lots of times we have the tendency to overlook and forget about what the caregiver is going through.

So if you are a caregiver and you are falling beneath the load, please seek help; talk to your doctor, seek out a good friend, take some time for you. Don’t feel guilty about doing so, you need help too. If you don’t look after yourself it’s possible to get “caregiver burnout”. And yes there is such a thing and is very serious. “Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion”. Burnout can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need or if they try to do more than they are able. They can experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression. So take the time to look after yourself before you get to this point.

So today I salute all you caregivers! Especially one in particular, my wife Lisa. Thank you for sticking by me, through thick and thin. There are no words to express my gratitude. And Lauren and Logan say thanks has well. We love and appreciate you.

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My Prayer For The Future

Dear God,
In this life we are not promised tomorrow; for tomorrow might never come.

But just in case it does, would you please answer my prayer.

There’s one thing I’ve learned and that is life can change in a moment.

May I rest my troubled mind in your hands. The uncertainties, the unknown,
the fears; may I be assured that if tomorrow does come, that I am in your
hands and all is well.

The future seems so vast, so big, so overwhelming that in my own strength
I realize I could not walk this journey alone. So, on those days would you
please carry me. When my tears flow down my cheeks like a river, would
you please wipe them dry.

The future is not mine, but yours. May I always trust that you will hold my
future and I can rest assured that I’m in Your Hands.

Thanks God,
Harris

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My Prayer For Today

Dear God,
I know I’m not asking too much; for nothing is impossible with you.

May I find sunshine through the clouds.
Light in the darkness.
Wisdom for my unanswered questions.
Hope, when it seems all hope is gone.
Faith when my faith is small.
Healing for all my hurts and ills.
Forgiveness to move on.
And love when I just need a hug.

So God,
If you’re listening today and you decide to answer my prayer;

May I spread sunshine to someone else’s cloudy day.
Shine my light to illuminate the darkness.
Wisdom to help someone find their way.
Spread hope to those feeling hopeless.
Offer faith that can move mountains.
Healing for those who are hurting and in pain.
Help others to find forgiveness.
May I never be afraid to give someone a hug; for God is Love

Thanks God,
Harris

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For When I Can’t Understand

Today I’ve pondered…
For many blessings, I am thankful…
From many struggles, I am battered…
For many questions, I seek answers…
For the future, I seek direction…
From the past, I long for release…
For today, I pray for strength…
For just in the hours that I’ve lived today, I have encountered love, excitement, fear, frustration, injustice, innocence…
Along with so many, there is so much about life that is unfair, even cruel… And yet we cling to our every breath, hoping for peace in the journey.
Somedays, all I can do is take all that I don’t understand and pray that one day I’ll at least be able to let go of the unanswered questions and find the courage to fully trust the One who holds all the answers to life’s ‘whys’…
So, for myself, and even those others I’ve encountered today,tonight I pray…

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When Your Perfect Life Isn’t So Perfect

You have this perfect life planned for yourself; the perfect career, the perfect spouse, the perfect children, the perfect bank account, the perfect house and at least two cars, the perfect circle of friends and then the perfect retirement. My greatest lesson in life is, that life doesn’t always go as we planned. There’s a 99.9% chance you are living in a fantasy land and if you have attained this “perfect” life; you must be living in a bubble.

But let me speak today to those who live in the real world. Your life didn’t go exactly as you planned, maybe not even close. But because you didn’t get that perfect life doesn’t mean you can’t live an happy and fulfilling life. John 16:33(NIV) “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world”. Jesus knew that we would all, no exceptions, no respect of persons; have to face many hardships, disappointments, discouragements, failures, mistakes, loss, etc. No matter what we are facing today, God loves us and cares about what happens to us. He is right by our side; Hebrews 13:5 (NIV) “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

Today we are facing one of the biggest trials of our lives. The fate of our lives is literally in someone else’s hands and there’s not a thing we can do about it but wait. I never dreamed we would end up in such a dead end. It’s even harder to put on an happy face and pretend that everything is ok, when in reality, deep down inside; we know it’s not. But I have no choice but to put my trust in a God that cannot fail (And in all honesty that is a very hard thing to do). It’s like your life “lies in the balance”. It can go either way. But I have to believe that God; He knows what He’s doing.

I’m telling this in hopes that I can help someone else who are dealing with their own struggles, you have reached a dead end and you don’t know where else to turn. Then turn to the one who knows what He’s doing. He knows best, He knows the plans He has for us. So let’s trust and believe together. There is nothing that God cannot do; He is the God of the impossible. So if we think we are at a dead end and there is no hope left, then think again! God loves us so much, that He gave His only Son to die for us, to die for me, to die for you. It doesn’t matter what you have done, where you’ve been, how broken you are; GOD LOVES YOU!

If you are thinking, “man all I need is another preacher”. Well sorry, I’m certainly not a preacher but I speak from my heart, my soul, from my life experiences and I tell you there have been many. I have been broken many times, at a dead end many times, so I have been there. I know what I’m talking about, I have lived it. But be
encouraged, we can overcome; we are more then conquerors, Romans 8:31-39
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.