harrisclyde@hotmail.com

January 28, 2019

To Just Belong

We live in a Society today where people’s greatest need is to just belong. Society dictates a standard that we all strive to achieve. That could be what we think the perfect father/mother is or should be, to achieve financial security, to having the white picket fence and house, the largest truck, coolest car, nicest clothes, social status and the list goes on. The longer the list, the more stress and pressure it imposes on us to strive to be that person. But we can try to achieve all that society imposes on us but we will always fall short of what we think we should be.

The need to have that material gain, social status and that perfect life is a recipe for disaster. What happens when all of ‘that’ comes falling down around us. Our white picket fence falls down, our neighbor gets a nicer car then ours, or worse, we come home one day and our spouse wants a divorce. It can get worse; what do you do when your child/children or yourself get sick , you loose your house through bankruptcy and the beautiful clothes you bought become too small; your physical appearance is shot. Living in our world it’s inevitable that we will have trouble, things won’t always go as planned. No one has that perfect life that society and social media try so desperately to portray.

Let’s be real; life is not perfect! What happens when death knocks on our door? And it will, that we can be sure of. Are we ready to face the most devastating and cruelest part of life; that being death. I think sometimes we need to take our heads out of the sand and be real, let’s be realistic; our bubble is going to burst sooner or later.

What do we do then? When the bottom falls out of our make-believe world. Will we be able to stand on our own two feet? How will we cope? I believe we have to build our lives on a solid foundation and when the winds blow, the storm comes, the waves crashes up against us, the fire consumes us to ashes; then we are ready to face anything that life throws at us. But I believe we have to build our house on ‘the rock’ (the parable of Jesus found in Matthew 7:25); the rock Christ Jesus. “And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not; for it was founded upon a rock”.

What are you building your life on today? Will it stand against the storms of life? Or will you be washed away by the waves? Consumed by the storm! I have personally experienced my share of storms, but I’m still standing. Maybe because I chose to build on a firm foundation. It doesn’t matter if we do; we will still face storms, they will try to beat us down, wash us away, destroy us but God as promised to pick us up, to bring us through our storms; we are promised that He is with us, even ‘in’ the storm. We are never alone and He will meet our greatest need that Society can never meet; and that is our need to just belong. Isaiah 43:1 ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine’.

So what are you searching for? Have you been disillusioned by life and Society’s expectations? Do you feel you don’t belong, you don’t fit in? Mother Teresa once stated, ‘The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of not belonging’. But let me encourage you today and encourage myself; we do belong, we do have a purpose, we are a somebody. You are loved! You belong!

January 21, 2019

Living In A Well Of Sadness

Depression is known to affect 1 in 4 Canadians; an alarming statistic. And when you are the 1 included in that statistic doesn’t make you feel all that great. The other 3 in that statistic should feel fortunate and grateful that they are not included. It is not a place you would want to be. Living with clinical depression is like living in a well of sadness, a chronic feeling of bereavement that really never leaves you, there are days that are worse then others. No different really then someone living with a chronic physical pain; a constant yearning to just be free of the pain, just to experience that pain free moment when you could feel ‘normal’.

It’s unfortunate that we don’t get to decide if today is going to be okay or not. The constant battle to fight this unending war can sometimes find you irritated, exhausted and hopeless. Hopeless in the sense that you are not winning this war; no matter how hard you fight.

We are now living in that time of the year, what I call the ‘Season of Depression’. No, let me rephrase that and expose the ugly truth, ‘the Season of Suicide’. Why would I say something so alarming, it’s because it’s the truth. We are living in a Society where suicide as almost become a norm. So normal, that people rarely flinch anymore. Every week we can read headlines of some well known, high profile person (sad that its only those who make the headlines) end their life by suicide. Just today, January 19,2019, the headlines read, ‘..U.S figure skating champ, dead at 33’. His sister says, ‘ My wonderful, strong, amazing compassionate brother took his own life earlier today’. Just last week, my friend’s son took his own life. So very sad and no reasonable answers.

But for those family members left behind, may I say, ‘there’s no one to blame, no one to get angry at, there was nothing you missed or didn’t do’. This was a means to end the never ending torment and pain of the mind, a place to find peace, everlasting peace and to release everyone involved of the constant turmoil that this illness inflicts on all concerned.

Why am I speaking out about suicide? Why should I care? What has suicide got to do with me? I want to talk about suicide because it is an illness, something goes terribly wrong in your thinking process where the only reasonable answer to your pain and the pain you have inflicted on your family, is to end your life. They do it for you and to find peace for themselves, to end the war that is raging from within.

We as a Society have the responsibility to end the stigma of mental illness and suicide. Let’s stop talking about it behind closed doors and let’s make it a public health concern. It’s then maybe something will be done about it. We have to stop using the word; ‘commit suicide’. Someone commits murder, someone commits rape; suicide is NOT a criminal concern. We have to change the way we look at suicide and realize that 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness at their time of death. We have to make this information and treatment available to everyone. I believe our Province of NL is far behind in this area and need to be held responsible and accountable for why there is not more done. Especially when it comes to availability of in-hospital treatment and modern facilities and therapies. We need to give those who are suffering the option that there is hope.

I need to speak out about suicide because I have seen into the minds and thoughts of someone who is struggling to stay alive. I will not lie, I will tell you like it is; depression as driven me many times in my life to a place where I just did not want to live. The value of my life was brought down to worthless. I was drowning in a well of sadness. But I sought professional and spiritual help and to this day I am still here. A life that is very fragile, uncertain and unpredictable. Not unlike any other chronic illness, we have to take it one day at a time and live a life that is very cautious. And by that I mean; knowing my limits, being aware of my triggers, knowing when to say no and paying attention to my body and mind.

I know this is not a pleasant read, nor is living with a mental illness. By exposing myself in a transparent way is sometimes the only way for my readers to get a better understanding of this illness and also to help others who are living in this well of sadness. I won’t pretend that this is an easy road that I’ve travelled but by sharing doesn’t mean I’m weak but quite the contrary, it shows my strength. And you have that same strength within you, don’t give up, hope is just around the corner.

After Thought: I realize that my writings will never win me any popularity contest, no Academy Award, no Nobel Prize, quite the contrary. People will probably stigmatize me, disrespect me, judge me and condemn me. But my purpose in writing is to educate, tell it like it is, no more swiping it under the rug, speak the truth; holding nothing back. To help others and be a voice for those who suffer in silence. If my transparency can help just one person, provide a new way of looking at mental illness and break down the walls of stigma. Then I have succeeded in accomplishing what I sat out to do.

January 11, 2019

Let’s Blame God For That

When we are angry, hurt and in pain; whether emotional, physical or mental, the first thing we want to do is to blame somebody or something. By blaming someone else gives us the feeling of alleviating some of the burden and pain that we are carrying and feeling. And one of the first and most easy person to blame is God. I think we have all been there at one point in our lives, when we lash out at God and blame Him for everything that as gone wrong. But is He really the blame? Can He be held accountable for every little thing that goes wrong in our lives? I believe God is not always to blame and when we do we alienate the only person that can really help us through our most difficult times and hurts. I admit and I am guilty of blaming God and questioning God, why? But when I sit down and analyze my situation, I realize that God is not to blame. But I realize that He is the one who can help me through any circumstance in life and give me a peace and presence that can only come from an eternal God. He’s not my enemy, but my best friend. Let’s try looking at it in a different light and let’s maybe stop the blame game.

I think we can begin our search and get a better understanding of name-blaming by going back to the beginning of time. Back to when God created the earth and everything in it, including man and woman. It was His intention for humanity to enjoy the beauty, abundance and fruitfulness of creation. In Genesis 3 we read about the fall of man and sin enters the world (it’s here we can do the blaming) because of man’s disobedience to God. It’s because of this fall that we are now separated from God and God’s plan for mankind would be forever changed. Therefore Adam and Eve changed our destiny and relationship with God. And the only way of reconciliation to God would be through the shed blood of HIS son, Jesus Christ. Acts 4:12 “Neither is there salvation in any other; for there is none other name under Heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved”. So maybe the next time we want to blame God for something, may we remember that it is God who provided for us a way of escape.

Let’s start directing the blame at the real source of evil in our world today, that being Satan himself. I want to quote directly from the Bible because I feel it would be the most powerful and effective attack on Satan himself. John 8;44 ‘…He (the devil) was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him….for he is a liar and the father of lies’. 1 Peter 5:8-9 ‘Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour’. 2 Corinthians 11:14 ‘And no wonder, for Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light’. Ephesians 6:12 ‘For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms’. Genesis 3:22 states that in this world there is good and evil, so lets become more aware of the presence of evil and shift some blame to where it belongs.

Many times I believe when we want to blame God, it’s because throughout our lives we were taught to believe that if we came to God all our sickness, troubles, etc will go away. Many (not all) Churches preach what I would call, prosperity preaching. Or others, the ‘name and claim it syndrome.’ Neither of which I believe. I do believe this kind of preaching is dangerous and misleading. And when God fails to prosper us financially or heal us from our illnesses, or doesn’t meet up to what we were taught He was supposed to be, we become bitter and blame God. But God is not a magician, waving a magic wand. I believe God can heal, but not all of us will be healed, nor will we all be millionaires. God’s love for us is not measured by what He can do for us but by what He has already done, by sending His only Son to die for our sins and that’s what truly matters (John 3:16).

So let’s stop blaming God for everything that goes wrong in our lives, it’s then we begin to know God for who He is. He is someone who loves and cares for each one of us and we can give Him all our hurts, cares and sickness. 1 Peter 5:7 says, ‘casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you’.

Many times in life we are faced with much trauma. The death of a loved one is so devastating and hard to understand. But we have to realize that just as birth is a part of life, so is death. 1 Corinthians 15:22 ‘For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive’. It’s one thing in life that we are certain of; that we will die, it’s a part of life. The big question is, Are You Ready? Age has no barrier, sometimes loved ones leave us much too early and we question why and are left with a broken heart and emptiness that just won’t go away. Let’s not blame God for a death but let’s remember He is the one who took away the sting of death. 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 ‘O death where is thy sting?……. thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ’. God is the one who gave us hope, death is not the end, we have hope through Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 ‘…and the dead in Christ shall rise first….and so shall WE ever be with the Lord. I’m reminded of my Dad right now because when he preached or talked about the promises of God he would get so excited, with tears streaming down his face, he would praise and worship God for who He was. My Dad lived a hard life with many hardships, struggles and rough times; but that never dampened his love for God. And that is what I’m feeling this morning; an overwhelming presence of God. If it were not for God, the grave would be the end. But we have the hope of the Resurrection. So let’s hold on to the hope that Jesus gives and let go of the blame and hurt.

I am not speaking to you today as someone with all the answers to our questions. But I am pointing you to ‘The Answer’, and His name is Jesus Christ! I am speaking to you from my heart and my own personal experiences in life that have not all been so pleasant. There as been lots of times when I wanted someone to blame and lots of times that was God and for that I am sorry. But I have learned that in life, bad things happen and that we have no control over. What we do have control over is how we respond to them. Through my own mental illness, Lauren’s cerebral palsy and many hardships and struggles; I have to believe that God is in control and He will give us strength for every day. He’s our only hope. I am trying everyday to live the best life I can, in spite of my own illness and life’s struggles. I don’t blame God anymore, I just hold on to His hand a little tighter because there are still days when I feel I’m loosing my grip. But God is faithful, God is GOOD!

January 2, 2019

A Year In Review

The year 2018 was anything but celebratory. Every day that I opened my eyes; I had to force myself to move. Everyday I fought a war from within, a war that no one else saw, a battle from within. Happiness didn’t find me naturally, I had to fight to just be okay. This thing called depression as left me angry, ashamed, guilty and exhausted. One thing I will be and that is real, it is what it is; ugly!

I cannot paint a beautiful picture for you of my life being easy, relaxed and carefree; that would not be the truth. There were no truer words spoken then when the Apostle John said, ‘In this world you will have trouble'(John 16:33). And we as a family has had more then our share. There were times when we wondered if we would ever survive it and we are certainly not out of danger yet. I have to believe in the promises of God, even on the days when I don’t feel God at all.

There were many days in 2018 that I did not feel the presence of God. But I have learned from my experiences that I cannot live by the way I feel but I have to live by what I know. And I know that God promised to walk with me, to uphold me. In Isaiah 41:10 He tells me, ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Then there’s the chorus we sing, ‘Because He lives, I can face tomorrow…all fear is gone’. There were and are days I could not sing this song truthfully. There were days when fear gripped my very being and I had to remind myself over and over again that He holds my future. But because of my depression and anxiety my brain could not retain that information and allow me to live a fearless life. So I am trying everyday to live by what I know, not what I feel.

Because I could not feel God over the past several years, my mind tried to convince me that God was nowhere near me; I was forsaken. But that is not the truth, that is not what I ‘know’. Hebrews 13:5 ‘….I will never leave you, nor forsake you’. I have to hold fast to these promises even in my darkest days.

Then there were days when I felt so ashamed and guilty. I questioned myself, why am I feeling this way, if I’m professing to be a Christian, then I should not have these thoughts or feelings. But then I thought, if I had any other illness, besides a mental one, would I be feeling the same way? If I had diabetes for example, would I be questioning my relationship with God? I don’ think so! I would look at it as an illness and that my pancreas wasn’t producing enough insulin for my body, so I would need to take medication to regulate my insulin levels. But because I have a mental illness, I am supposed to look at it differently. When really my brain is not creating enough serotonin, which is a neurotransmitter that contributes to the feeling of well-being and happiness. It has nothing to do with my relationship with God. God promised to walk ‘with us’ through our difficult times, not to remove us from them. Although I have depression and anxiety, in spite of this, I can still love God for who He is, not because of the way I feel. I can still serve God with depression just the same as if I had diabetes. There is no difference. Thanks be to God!

Prior to Christmas, I started my own YouTube channel called, ‘Walter On Da Line’. I felt again it was a way to deter my thoughts away from my illness to being funny. And I felt it was another great form of therapy and I was really enjoying it. But then, just to show you how powerful and controlling depression can be; I got up one morning and my depression had moved in and suffocated my ‘funny’. I could not produce a video of ‘Walter’ if my life depended on it and up to this day I still can’t. But I’m praying that with time and some space, I’ll be able to do it again.

Depression is so powerful and debilitating, that at times it makes life so unbearable. But I live in hope that one day I will be well again. But until then I will keep fighting, hoping that my strength will not fail. I pray that 2019 will be filled with hope, happiness, peace and good health for us all.

December 28, 2018

Mental Illness; So What?

Mental illness has been one of the most misunderstood, stigmatized and misdiagnosed illnesses of all time. To be honest it’s only in more recent years to be even considered an illness. Speaking from experience, I believe I’ve become a little bit of an ‘expert’ in the field. Not because I’m a trained therapist, I’m not, but I believe there are some things you cannot learn from a book. Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for those working in the mental health field. But living with a mental illness all my life has given me knowledge, understanding and insight that I would have never received if I had not suffered from this horrific illness myself. Mine being Major (Clinical) Depression and Anxiety.

I have paid an enormous price for this insight into mental illness. It as cost me greatly, I have lost so much because of my illness and brought much pain and worry to both my families. And also it’s affected so much of my social life, especially that being the lost of many friends and close acquaintances.

When I’m experiencing a ‘not so good day’, I just need to be alone but yet it’s the last thing I want. Being alone is the last thing someone should be when not feeling well. A sure symptom of depression is isolating, where socializing and being around people is hard to do. You can feel all alone in the most crowded room. Or to the opposite extreme where being around people can make you feel so overwhelmed and anxiety provoking. You feel guilty because you are feeling sad and you don’t want to bring others down. And there are days when you just can’t hide how you are really feeling, for the sake of others. You have to be honest and admit, I’m not having a good day.

I cannot remember the last time I could say, ‘I had a good day’. I sat in my doctor’s office, with tears trickling down my face and I looked into his eyes and said, ‘If this is living, I’m not living’. I have an amazing, compassionate, caring doctor but he doesn’t have the answers; there is only so much that he can do. It is my belief that what can be done both medically and therapeutically for me, is done. The brain is the most complex organ in the body and the least is known about it. Therefore it is least treatable.

Am I discouraged? Yes, I have days when I think, what’s the point? And feel like flushing my meds down the toilet. I’m not winning this war. But then I think of where I was six years ago, to where I am today; I’ve come a long way. I have to believe that achieving and maintaining a healthy mind is not a single battle, but an on going war. And God knows I have fought my battles, I’m still in the war. But I cannot throw down my armour and wave my white flag in surrender and let depression win, I just can’t. Even when I feel like all options are gone, I still have the promise of God; to never leave me or forsake me.

I feel like I’m walking on water, but I’m sinking… I’m going down. But I’ve taken my medication religiously, I’ve done everything right to my knowledge but yet that heavy gnawing inside me; a sad, aching feeling that something isn’t right inside my head. The darkness is desperately trying to swallow me. Depression may be in my mind, but it’s not in my imagination, this is real. You know that something is wrong and you are grasping for help.

When you’re in the darkness of depression, you need a reason to hope. But lately I’m having days when hope is nearly gone. Even if you’re trying medications (and I’ve tried what seems like hundreds) that didn’t work, at least I still felt I was doing something, even if that something is figuring out what won’t work. But if we do nothing at all, then we are hopeless. So to keep hope alive, I fight with every ounce of strength I have within me and pray that my strength doesn’t fail. A very scary place to be.

I know that because this illness is so stigmatized and misunderstood, that many minimize it’s seriousness and existence. I can sit here for hours and talk of my experience but the best way I feel you may get a better understanding of this illness and what it can do, is for me to give you some statistics to prove my point.

300 million people around the world have depression, according to the World Health Organization.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the workplace.

1 in 5 people in Canada will experience a mental illness (Canadian Mental Health Association).

The Centre for Suicide Prevention states: “The number of people who die by suicide each year in Canada equates to a jumbo jet 747 crashing and killing everyone on board….. every single month of the year. If as many people died in plane crashes as they do by suicide, there would be a pubic uproar. Instead, SUICIDE is swept under the carpet and not talked about”.

The latest research shows there were 3,926 suicides in Canada in 2016.

Canada loses close to 200 children and youth to suicide every year.

Today in Canada 10 people will end their lives by suicide; up to 200 others will attempt so.

Suicide is currently ranked as the 9th leading cause of death in Canada.

Majority of suicides are due to some form mental illness.

The statistics speak for themselves, ‘this illness is real’. And not talking about it will not make it go away but will only intensify it’s effect on mankind. I believe that with time, these statistics will keep growing and we are headed for an epidemic that will be out of control. I pray that I am wrong but time will tell. Watch the Clock!

December 26, 2018

The Truth, The Whole Truth…

No matter how much I tell myself, ‘You’re going to be okay’, my brain tells me, ‘You are not okay’. ‘There is no escape from how you feel, how much can I fight before I give up? That weight of emptiness and sadness creeps in and devours any hope of conquering this monster.

I am so ashamed of how I feel, I can’t tell anyone. Telling someone would bring it to life and I just want to hide it. The shame cloaks me in it’s ugly coat. Why should I feel this way? Shame on me! I aught to be able to rise above it. But today it’s claws have me in it’s ugly clutches and I can’t move. I panic, I can’t breathe. The air is too thick to fill my lungs, I gasp and gasp. I remember, slow down your breathing; you can do this, you’ve done this a million times before. But today feels like I’ve experienced it for the very first time. Just as scary, just as frightening and the feeling of being all alone.

‘But you were doing so well’, you might say, really I’ve never been doing ‘so well’. I’ve been doing okay. I want to be doing ‘so well’, oh how I pray to be well again. Will that day ever come again? Some days are a little better then others, some okay, some not so okay. Today, definitely not a good day. I have to beat this, so much depends on me, no one else can do this for me; I have to do this myself and that’s the scary part. Living this life, with a broken mind. I have put so many pieces back together but some pieces just keep falling apart.

I hide, I can’t let people see the real me; they would run and never look back. They wouldn’t like this part of me; but I tell myself that it is only a part of me, it’s not who I am. There is more to me, a lot more, I have so much to offer but my sick, tormented mind tells me otherwise. The funny me, isn’t here today, I’ve gone and can’t find me. Sadness as drowned and held me under water but I have to resurface, my oxygen is running out, I’m going to drown. Kick, push, you can do this; you can resurface. Your funny self will come back. I hope.

This is just a glimpse into the life of a bad day for someone with a mental illness. So be kind to everyone you meet today because you really can’t tell from their outward appearance, what inward battles they are fighting this moment. Never judge a book by it’s cover, because the pages within can tell an whole different story.

December 19, 2018

My Letter To Santa

Hey Santa,

I don’t have a Christmas wish this year.

What I want you can’t pull out of your magical bag.

Your elves can’t make it.

You can’t wrap it in pretty paper and tie it in a bow.

What I want this Christmas is not a wish but a prayer.

You see Santa I need a Christmas miracle.

But Santa you would have to say a Christmas prayer.

And when you do could you ask Jesus for a gift that can’t be tied with a bow.

You see Santa, my little girl needs Jesus healing touch; not a doll this year, not a stuffed toy, nor an iPad.

I believe Santa if you ask, maybe, just maybe she would get her Christmas miracle.

A gift that will take away all her tears of pain, no more surgeries, no more walkers, standers, wheelchairs.

Please Santa tell Jesus to just let her walk this Christmas. That is my Christmas prayer this year.

My gift you see comes in the form of a prayer.

And I believe that Jesus is listening, even to Santa this year.

So Jesus, tell Santa we won’t be needing gifts or presents that can be wrapped under our tree.

But this year we’re going to receive our Christmas Miracle.

But Jesus, we won’t be greedy and forget all the other boys and girls that are sick, hungry, abused, extorted and even alone this Christmas.

Could you please visit them for me and sit them on your knee and tell them you love them and everything is going to be alright.

Maybe Jesus you can tell Santa that when he makes his rounds this Christmas; that he would make their Christmas wishes come true.

Take away their hurt, Jesus, their pain and hunger too,

may this be their best Christmas ever.

I’ll leave that up to you Jesus because I still believe; miracles do happen!

Sincerely Yours,

A Loving Father, Harris

December 17, 2018

‘The Most Happy Season Of All’

The magic of the Season fills the air. The all anticipated day is just around the corner. Kids are overflowing with excitement for the arrival of that big jolly soul; Santa Claus. And parents are in panic mode to find that perfect gift for their child. Christmas is here again for another year. But where as the time gone, it seems we only took down the Christmas tree from last year; only months ago. I think the older I get, the faster time flies. One thing that hasn’t really changed from last year is my battle with my mental illness; major depression and anxiety disorder. No matter what the season, it doesn’t go away. Hidden deep down in the recesses of my being is that ever lingering feeling of emptiness and sadness.

Of all the illnesses, and I am not saying one is worse then the other, but I am saying the only one that steals your happiness is depression. With all other illnesses you can still live a happy life, despite your illness and I realize that requires work but it can be done. But depression affects that part of your brain that controls your mood; whether you are happy or sad. If your brain’s serotonin levels are down, then this will affect just how happy or sad you are. Its not a matter of choice. That’s why I have to take a medication known as a SSRI. SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) block the reabsorption (reuptake) of serotonin in my brain, making more serotonin available to me. Medication may not be a cure but it certainly helps and I would encourage anyone dealing with depression to get medical help.

So during this ‘most happy season of all’, for someone fighting this illness, sure makes it a little tougher to find that happy in the season. That doesn’t mean I will not share in the fun and spirit of Christmas; I will certainly have to work a little harder to participate in all it has to offer. But I will do it, in spite of my illness. It will not steal all of my Christmas cheer, nor will I allow it to take the memories that we will make during this Christmastime.

To all of you out there that are fighting your own battles; mental illnesses, physical illnesses, cancer, loss of a loved one; whatever it may be, may you embrace the ‘Reason for the Season’. That being the birth of a Saviour, who came to be the light of the World. May you feel the light beams of His loving arms surrounding you this Christmas Season. And remember, God loves you, know matter what your circumstances may be right now. We can find some happiness in the Season; this ‘Most Happy Season of all’.

December 5, 2018December 5, 2018

Waiting For Lauren

I’m standing at the kitchen cabinets, sipping on my coffee; my holy water. But from the corner of my eye I catch a glimpse of something that wasn’t always there. I quickly turn my eyes back to my mug of coffee, I don’t want to look at ‘it’. Why can’t I be just dreaming? I guess it wouldn’t be classified as a dream but a nightmare. I capture another glance, maybe this time it’ll be gone. But no, there they both appear; motionless ,empty, just waiting…. waiting for Lauren. Her ‘Zippy’ (I guess it’s supposed to be a more glamorous word for wheelchair) and her borrowed ‘Stander’. I hate them both, I hate Cerebral Palsy, I hate what it has done to our little girl and what it is doing. There is no end in sight, no happy endings, no happily ever after. Just uncertainties, pain and the great unknown. Because with CP you never know what a day will bring forth.

But still from the corner of my eye I see ‘it’. It really looks like something from the movie; Silence of the Lambs, where Hannibal Lecter is strapped to a chair for transportation while in prison for various murders and cannibalism. This chair is to immobilize it’s occupant, while the chair I’m looking at is to mobilize it’s occupant; but yet they look the same; ugly! But we have to look pass the ugly and see what this chair can do for Lauren. In reality, no child should have to be strapped to any chair but sometimes some children don’t have any other options. So now we have to see the beauty in these mobile apparatuses and look pass the unfairness, the confinement and the not so pretty side. And look at what these chairs and apparatuses can do for our child’s mobility and benefit; despite what we really feel inside .When really this morning, I can’t focus both my eyes on either. When really I’m screaming on the inside; Why? Why? Why?. Please don’t tell me you have an answer because I believe there are some things in life there are just no answers. When really what I would like to do with all of it is to take a sledgehammer and beat it up, piece by piece.

But in reality I know I can’t do that. I just wanted you to feel our pain and to understand, even just a little of what this does to a parents heart and soul. But for those out there who don’t have a disabled child, you cannot feel our pain, you can only imagine and that doesn’t even come close. I don’t blame you, it’s just the way it is. So today if you have healthy children; be thankful, never take it for granted and teach your children that kids with disabilities are children too and are to be respected and loved. And not looked upon has having some contagious disease or less of a person because they are sitting in a wheelchair or some other mobile device. They are human beings with an heart and feelings that are greater then what I can ever imagine. No matter what diagnosis they may have, whether that being Cerebral Palsy, Spina Bifida, Down Syndrome, etc. we are all the same, we are all human beings and that label you cannot remove.

It’s still so sad that we live in a Society that stigmatizes anyone that is outside what Society defines as being ‘normal’ We are all different and that’s a good thing; acceptance and love for all is our biggest obstacle. So today I will try with all I have in me to look at these mobile apparatuses as being a good thing because without them whether we want to believe and accept it or not; Lauren needs them. And for her sake, I will do whatever it takes to make her life has pleasant, happy and mobile as it can be. Because she’s a ‘Princess’ that only rides in her ‘Chariot’.

December 3, 2018December 3, 2018

Lord Help Us To Believe

Lauren asked Mommy, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Wow, how do you answer that truthfully? What we want and what we pray for isn’t always what we get. Sometimes God’s way isn’t our way. Our timing sometimes is way off, we expect answers right away, but I believe that’s not the way it always works. And trusting God when your five years old little girl is in pain and can’t walk is very hard to understand and accept.

You see, Lauren as been in bed now for months, she is gradually improving but very slowly. She is so intelligent and because she is, there is nothing she doesn’t analyze. Therefore after all this time she as spent in bed and having so much pain and discomfort, she’s starting to question God. Everyone keeps telling her that Jesus is going to make her better. So she, being no different then ourselves, asks the question, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Are we giving her false hope and unrealistic goals? Is she beginning to realize that I’ve been in pain and discomfort for so long and Jesus hasn’t made me better? Maybe He never will, maybe this is her life.

And I’m beginning to believe that maybe what we are telling her isn’t what God wants at all. It’s what we want and oh we want it so desperately. There is nothing I would want more then for her pain to end and she could just get up and walk. But is this what God wants? I don’t know, my thoughts are not God’s thoughts. I am trying so hard to believe and trust, when things aren’t looking that great. I believe that miracles can still happen and that God is our greatest option. But the reality is we are tired, worn down, worried, anxious and helpless. There are days when we feel we are sinking, our ship is going down, when we have no other alternative but to keep looking for that light, that beam of hope, it’s there somewhere, still shining; but the fog is so thick with life’s trials and tribulations that it’s so hard to see. We need a miracle, if not for healing, then for strength, hope and wisdom to endure, to overcome, to do what we have to do.

A family cannot experience what we are and it not affect the whole family unit. It’s tough on all of us and we struggle to keep us together. All four of us have experienced so much trauma in our lives, so much unforeseen change, that some days it’s near impossible just to focus on getting through that day. But we try to take it one day at a time and that’s not easy when the decisions you make today, could drastically affect tomorrow. We have to believe that there is someone greater, an higher power that is watching over us. Lord help us to believe.