Author: harrisclyde@hotmail.com

Hi! My name is Harris Tucker. I live in Bay Robert's, NL with my beautiful wife, Lisa Kennedy Tucker and our two adorable children; Logan and Lauren.
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Discouragement or Courage

All day yesterday I was overwhelmed with discouragement. No matter how busy I made myself , in order to distract my mind from going there or how many times I asked God to take it away; it didn’t matter. I was just discouraged and I couldn’t run away from it. It was exactly how I was feeling and nothing could change it. The word kept popping up all day.

Then I thought, well just what is discouragement? So of course, I went and done what we all do when we need to find something out; I googled it! The meaning it gave was; “a loss of confidence or enthusiasm”. Well that’s not far from the truth of how I was feeling. But all day this word plagued my thoughts and feelings. Until night came and hoping sleep would be my way of escape.

Well morning came, I was up at the crack of dawn, everyone still sleeping.So thought I would shower and prepare for another day. While I was showering I began to think of the challenging day I had before and decided I had to find some good in my discouragement. Then there it was; right in the center of that word, was the word COURAGE. So off I go to visit google again. Google defined courage as ‘the ability to do something that frightens one’. That was so true, looking back over the past day; I made it through because I had courage. I moved on inspite of it, I would not let it stop me. Just like I found light in the darkness; I found courage in discouragement.

Let me just fill you in on some of the reasons I was feeling so discouraged. Just to let you know it’s ok to sometimes feel this way; life has a tendency to sometimes overwhelm us with discouragement. When there is so much going on in our lives that is not all positive.

We just returned from Halifax, where Lauren did a program called, Conductive Education. A program that Lauren responded so well to and was reaping the benefits. It is the exact program that Lauren requires if she is going to have the hope of walking or some form of mobility. But I realized yesterday that in order for Lauren to benefit from this program fully, she needs to consistently engage in the program. And we know that’s not possible, so it is easy to become discouraged; when you want the best for your child and I can’t seem to see how she is going to get it. But I still have to believe in my heart that God will provide a way. So yes, I was discouraged and I don’t apologize for being human.

This story is not in my notes but I just felt it needs to be told. While we were in Halifax, we met a friend of ours for supper one evening. Lisa took Lauren in to the washroom to change her and while Lauren was lying on the change table, she was gazing at an opposite wall. The conversation went like:
Lauren: There’s Jesus!
Lisa: Where??
Lauren: Over there on the wall!
Lisa looked to see a beautiful wall mural of two cherubs. Wanting to figure out exactly what Lauren meant, she asked: And what’s Jesus doing?
Lauren: He’s praying; for me to walk…
I have no idea how she could come up with this all on her own; she is only four years old. My faith waivers but oh to have the faith of a child. So when we got back home, we went to church on Sunday morning. I was holding Lauren in my arms and the call was made for anyone who had a need to come forward. So has a step of faith, once again, me with a broken heart, brought my little angel to the Lord for healing. That healing didn’t happen that morning, so again I was so discouraged. But I will continue to wait and not loose hope. Healing will come in some form; in God’s time and in God’s way.

I was discouraged because I realize that my illness is not going away. On a lower scale; it’s something I guess I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I just got tired of dealing with my broken mind. But that’s ok; I know some days are going to be worse than others. I just have to find the courage to not give up, when discouragement fills my every being.

My inability to not be able to work overcrowded my mind. I realize we need the money so desperately and I am unable to provide. At a time in our lives when we need income so badly. I thought I had come to terms with long term disability but in all honesty, I don’t think I ever will. It still haunts my fragile mind. But I will still hope and find courage in my discouragement.

I could go on but I won’t; you get the picture. So today I will find, somehow, courage to overcome my discouragement. I will find courage inspite of it all. Today is a new day and I have courage to face it, even if it scares me to death. I WILL FIND COURAGE IN MY DISCOURAGEMENT!!!

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Conductive Education

A bumpy flight and a bumpy two weeks in Halifax, NS. We attended a two week session of Constructive Education with The March of Dimes. It’s program designed for clients having movement difficulties due to brain damage.

The first week started with a large bump in the road; it got totally cancelled due to a family emergency at the clinic. And Lauren’s conductor was off for the week.

Thank God we had relatives in Halifax to help us through this first long week. Keeping the children and ourselves occupied and happy was a full time job. But we made it through that first week, being very disappointed that Lauren had missed out on a full week of treatment. But that was unavoidable, so that was all we could do and we just made the best of it.

The second week was full speed ahead. Lauren was scheduled for Monday-Friday, 9:00-12:00. So three hours of intense treatment/education. She was fully engaged for these three hours and every body part was included. She was amazing and making such progress.

When we left at the end of the session, we were all exhausted but so excited about the program. This is what we’ve been looking for and what Lauren needs so desperately. But the bittersweet pill kicked in at the end of the week. This is what she needs but not available in NL. So far out of our reach.

So now we know what we need but how do we get it? So we start our search to find a way to get this program offered in NL. Nothing is impossible, if we believe and find a way for it to happen.

So sad when you know this is what your child requires to find some form of mobility. But so far out of our reach and control.

What is Conductive Education?

“Conductive Education® is a community rehabilitation program offered through March of Dimes Canada whose mission is to maximize the independence, personal empowerment, and community participation of people with disabilities.

Conductive Education® (CE) is a program that combines physical rehabilitation and education to help children and adults with neurological motor disorders or who have had a stroke or brain injury. Conductive Education works on the brain to change the body. Participants are taught skills and techniques to help them overcome the challenges of their disability – they learn how to apply these strategies to their everyday life, becoming more independent.

Designed specifically for people with neurological motor disorders, Conductive Education offers an alternative group setting approach to rehabilitation for people living with:
Cerebral Palsy
Spina Bifida
Multiple Sclerosis
Stroke
Parkinson’s
Acquired Brain Injury
Thousands of Canadians are diagnosed with these conditions each year. Conductive Education and March of Dimes Canada are here to offer help and support to these individuals and their families.”

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I Know A Man Who Can!

I have written numerous blogs before, but none as important, open and personal has what this one is. I will bear my soul because I believe that’s what you need to hear and see. We are not defined by our education, ethnicity, culture, our career, or our family. What defines us, is our soul; “the spiritual part of a human being”. We all have one,whether we believe we do or not doesn’t matter. We have a soul, deep down within us.

Our soul is that space within us that is always searching, always longing. Forever empty if not filled by the one who created us in the first place. Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb”. My illness lead me to this inmost search. Not a search for earthly meaning but a much deeper search and longing for God. That search didn’t find me instantaneously healed but led me to a deeper, inmost filling of God. I had to separate and come to realize that my illness had nothing to do with my soul. I was not fighting a spiritual battle, but because I was so sick and finding no hope of ever recovering. That no human being or earthly matter could make me well; then I had to turn my search inward rather then without.

It’s when we turn inward that we find the true meaning of life and take our focus off things that really don’t matter. I now realize that there is more to life then my illness, I can live inspite of it. My life doesn’t depend on what I have, what I do, where I go or what I feel. My life depends on what I have within; my love, my compassion, my humbleness and selflessness. If I had a Phd education, it would not make me any happier or change my illness. If I had a multi million dollar bank account; would not change my illness and make me well. If I had all the possessions that money could buy, it would still not bring me happiness or health.

So now I realize I have to build my life on something more solid, something more secure. I had to return to the one who created me, who promised in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,”declares the Lord,”plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I don’t know what those plans are and right now I am scared to death of the future but I know and trust that He knows what He’s doing.

Our lives right now are filled with so much uncertainty and turmoil. My own illness fills our lives with so much insecurity and fear, that for the most of us, we would have given up a long time ago. The stress and conflict that mental illness brings into our marriage and family life can easily tear us apart. But we are struggling to stay together. Then there’s the awesome care, uncertainty, overwhelming responsibility of Lauren with her cerebral palsy. So much that people, unless they have a child with a disability, can never imagine the sacrifices one had to make. Lauren requires 24/7 care and this we, for the most part, provide ourselves. We do sacrifice each other because one of us as to sleep with Lauren every night for various reasons pertaining to her safety, comfort and care. So it is very difficult/impossible for us to spend time together as a couple. I am not complaining but stating the reality of what is. Then we try to provide for Logan a “normal life” and to protect him as much as possible from the circumstances around him, which are far from normal. And lastly, Lisa as had to leave work because of the heavy load that she carries everyday. It has affected her health in a detrimental way; that she can no longer work.

I don’t tell this for no other reason then to help someone else, that are going through similar circumstances in their lives. It is amazing what we can face in life and still survive. But no man, humanly possible could do this alone or find the answers in this world but I know a Man who can! And that’s how we have survived thus far. When we felt there was no one that could help us, we needed someone more than a human hand. That’s when we were forced to look elsewhere, we tried everything else and life was out of hand. We turned to the Man who can;

“I can’t take a heart that’s broken
Make it over again
But I know a Man who can

Some call Him Savior,
the Redeemer of all men
I call Him Jesus
For He’s my dearest friend.

If you feel no one can help you
And your life is out of hand
Well, I know a man who can”.

So now every morning I go to my heavenly “Father” and rely on His strength to get me through the day. For He promised me in Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint”

That’s where my strength comes from! I don’t apologize for being too open and I am so privileged to be able to introduce you to the man who can!

Afterthought:
Many may say, how can you say that God is with you, when He hasn’t healed you and you still struggle every day? It doesn’t matter, I’m better off with God in this storm, then I am without Him and being in this storm alone. He’s still in my ship. God is still God no matter what we are going through, He’s in control! All I have to do is trust!

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The Reality Of My Diagnosis

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“There is no cure for your illness”, were the dreaded words I hear roaming around in the back of my head; coming from my doctor’s mouth. I just wanted to duct tape his mouth, so I wouldn’t hear the reality of what he was saying. But he wouldn’t stop; “We can get you back to a functioning level and that’s the best we could do. What did that mean, “A functioning level”? Sounded like a death sentence to me at the time. You mean I have to live with this for the rest of my life? Funny question to ask considering I had really already been living with mental illness (on a smaller scale) all my life. Was this my reality?

My horror really started when I was sixteen and in high school. It was midterm exams and I was feeling very anxious,worried and full of panic. Then one day I just collapsed. I couldn’t function anymore; I gave up on life. My days were spent asleep, whether in bed or on the sofa. I remember going to the doctor and receiving no help whatsoever. “We can’t give antidepressants to teenagers”,were his words and sent me home to fight this raging war all alone. Very few back then, knew much about depression and anxiety, let alone knowing how to deal with it. I felt I was left to die alone. My friends from school didn’t come near, maybe they thought I was contagious. My only support was my family and I am so thankful for that. Over time I gradually got a little better each day. In the 80’s we were so uneducated about mental illness and the walls of stigma were so high. It was almost if you ignored it long enough it would go away. But all through my life, I know now, I battled depression and anxiety. And I can openly speak the words and not have to hide in shame.

When I was “formally” diagnosed just three years ago; that I suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder. Does that make me feel any better? Somewhat. Now I have a name on what I’ve been battling most of my life. My nightmare now became a reality. I realize now I have a disability. Not a one confined to a wheelchair but a one that confined me to my broken mind.

Now it’s learning how to accept my disability and learn to live with my “thorn in the flesh”. I have come such a long way, my doctor says, I am now in the recovery stage of illness. But then I think, how can I be in recovery when there is no cure? Well, I have to get back to a functioning level and learn to control my symptoms and not the other way around. Learning to be the best that I can be and teaching my brain that it’s going to be ok. That is what recovery is all about; learning to live with my challenges and obstacles despite my illness. The reality is that, just like any other disability, I will have to find a different path that leads to a somewhat “normal” life.

It might appear that all I am saying is negative, but that is the reality of this illness. Negativity and depression coexist. It’s finding the positivity in this illness that leads you to the road to recovery. It’s finding the sunshine that’s hiding behind the clouds. Because I have a mental illness doesn’t mean I still can’t have meaning and purpose in my life. I am not my illness. Vitor Frankl in his book eluded to this when he said, “that life holds a potential meaning under any conditions, even the most miserable ones. I therefore felt responsible for writing down what I had gone through, for I thought it might be helpful to people who are prone to despair.” He wrote this after being freed from his hellish existence in a Nazi concentration camp. So I too, feel I have to write the truth about my illness, even if it is negative because that is the truth of my hellish existence; when I was trapped in my “concentration camp”. The memories of those most awful days will probably always be trapped inside my mind, but that’s all they are; memories and they can’t harm or hurt me anymore. It’s my life mission to free myself and others from the depths of despair that this illness brings.

The reality right at this moment in time is that I am not cured. I am doing a lot better. Because I am not fully recovered doesn’t mean that others can’t and it doesn’t mean that I will never be cured. But the reality remains; I am certainly not where I need to be. I still have a few more baby steps to make before I can walk. And that is REALITY; whether I like it or not. The reality is; this illness sucks!

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The Do’s and Dont’s of Depression and Anxiety

Sitting at Robin’s waiting for a call from the Garage to come pick up the van. One of the most difficult things for me to do is just sit here and relax. An hint of panic sets in and is telling me to run, get out but I don’t listen. I am now in control of my thoughts not the other way around, like it use to be when I was in the acute stage of my illness. So I choose to sit and write instead. I have learned so much on this journey, so I thought I would share some do’s and dont’s of major depression and anxiety.

Let’s start with the do’s that helped me along my journey.First, make up your mind that you are going to get better, be determined that this will not last forever. That you will beat this and set your mind to this and don’t settle for nothing less. Be strong even when you feel weak! Repeat to yourself every day, “I am going to get better; one day, one hour, one minute at a time”.

A must for recovery is we must reach out for support. We are not meant to walk this road of life alone, we cannot survive in isolation. It is human nature to crave love, acceptance and understanding from others.

Thirdly, we must do our best to care for our physical body. “Healthy body, healthy mind”. Eating well would be the first step. For me this was the last thing I wanted to do, I lost my appetite completely. But I knew if I was going to get well, I had to eat. So I forced myself to eat small portions but often. And gradually, over time my appetite got much better. Then getting a restful night sleep is very important to healing our minds. I went through periods where I couldn’t sleep at all (my doctor did prescribe a sleeping pill for those times), then there were times when all I wanted to do was sleep. It was those times that I pushed myself out of bed and move, just move. Exercise would play a part in getting well; but who wanted to exercise when they didn’t have the energy or willpower to move. But I started with baby steps, my first walk lasted for five minutes and that seemed overwhelming but I did it and gradually I worked up to now, a year later, walking forty-five minutes too one hour. So take care of yourself physically so you can heal mentally.

Create structure in your life. Start with little things. For example, make your bed every morning, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. Then move to the outside world; go to the Post Office, grocery store, library, the park, etc. Before long you will have developed a life of structure and purpose.

Lastly, remind yourself, whenever needed, that, “this too shall pass”. Whatever you are experiencing right now, no matter how bad; it will not last. Nothing lasts forever.

Then there are the dont’s of dealing with depression and anxiety. The pain and despair you feel is unbearable, you look for relief where ever you can find it. Some in positive ways but some turn to negative alternatives by self medicating. You turn to drugs and alcohol but this can only lead to worsening of your symptoms. And the benefits (if any) are only short term; a band-aid solution.

A second “don’t” is, do not isolate. It is very often common for people suffering from this illness to hide from everyone; to go into seclusion. Not wanting to associate with family or friends, this will never work toward your healing. We are pack animals and we need the interaction of others to survive.

At the acute stage of your illness it is best not to make any major decisions. Such things as selling/buying an house, getting married/divorced, moving to a new city or changing jobs. You are in no frame of mind to make such decisions, so wait until you are in the recovery stage and feeling much better and your brain is more alert/aware.

Fourthly, do not neglect your physical needs. When you are so preoccupied with your mental state, it is so easy to forget your physical needs; eating habits, exercise, sleep, etc. Your mental well being, solely depends on your physical state, both depend on each other for survival.

Then the last “don’t” is a one that I struggle with everyday. That is,don’t ask the question; “When Will This End?”. Everyone is different and no one knows the answer to this question, so don’t ask! Live one day at a time, never dwell on the past and never look too far in the future. Live in the moment!

Those are just some thoughts I have learned over time. I hope this will give you some guidance and assurance that; “this too shall pass”. Life will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just wait and see!

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Lauren’s Hope of Walking

i..Lauren as seen Dr Farmer three times, each time we were told she was not a good candidate yet. The last time we were there he told us he would see her when she’s five, unless we thought she was stronger and more ready for the surgery before that time. So we just sent an email to him requesting that he would see her sooner because Lauren is stronger and that her window of opportunity for her to want to walk is closing. So pray with us that Lauren will get to have the surgery and that it will be successful.Doctors at Montreal’s Shriners and Children’s hospitals are spreading the word that a specialized surgery for cerebral palsy patients that can help relieve some of the spasticity of the condition is offered in Canada.
Dr. Jean-Pierre Farmer, the chief of neurosurgery at Montreal’s Children’s Hospital, is one of the few doctors in Canada who can perform the surgery, which is called selective dorsal rhizotomy, or SDR.

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The procedure can help alleviate some of the symptoms of cerebral palsy, particularly the muscle stiffness that can lead to chronic pain, exhaustion, and disability.
Cerebral palsy affects roughly 2.5 out of every 1,000 babies born in Canada every year, and is caused by abnormal brain development or a brain injury during pregnancy or birth. The spasticity caused by CP makes it difficult or impossible for children to move their limbs in isolation. Those who do learn to walk often do so on their tiptoes with their knees close together so that they need a wheelchair or braces to walk.
The SDR procedure involves exposing the nerves in the spinal column and cutting those nerve fibres that cause muscle tightness using electrical pulses. The nerves that properly control movement are left intact.
If all goes well, and all the affected fibres are cut, it can be possible for children with CP to learn to walk independently.

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I Love Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy

Both Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy have taught me so much about life. I really wish that I was never introduced to either. Because life would have been fine without it. But that’s not the way it works; we can’t pick and choose what life throws in our laps. We just have to learn to accept and endure through whatever life throws at us. Does that mean we have to love or hate whatever that might be?

It has taught me that I am so not in control of what life throws my way. There are days when life is spinning out of control. Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy are much bigger then me. I am only human, it forced me to look deeper inside for something more, a strength that is greater then myself. That we cannot do this in our own human strength but we need a spiritual strength that is much greater. All of us, no matter who we are or what we believe; when it comes down to the crunch, what or who do we turn to? I believe that would be God. We can’t turn to our bank accounts, our careers, our possessions or any earthly being. When all is said and done all we really have is God. And that is the greatest answer to any of life’s questions. So therefore I love mental illness and cerebral palsy for that reason; it made me look deeper spiritually, that I probably would not have done otherwise.

Both our disorders have opened my eyes to a “new normal”. All our lives have been affected and changed in one way or another. We are learning and accepting both our life changing diagnoses. And trying to make it as “normal” as possible. We as a family still grieve the losses that comes with such life altering illnesses. Life as we knew it will never be the same. But we have to find the sunshine in this; our new normal. And that will not be easy but we will do it; one moment,one hour, one day at a time. So it as taught me tolerance of the here and now. This is a new chapter in the book of our lives. Nothing stays the same forever.

I also love mental illness and cerebral palsy because it as helped me to relate to others who are experiencing the same pain and struggles. My compassion, love and concern for others have certainly deepened because of what these disorders have taught me.

But in all honesty; can this be the truth? Can I truly love these illnesses? To some degree yes but to another,no. Can I truthfully say I love the mental illness I have and Lauren’s cerebral palsy? The truth is; I hate the mental illness I have. I hate Lauren’s cerebral palsy. After all I am only human and hate is an emotion that we all possess. Yes I have learned and grown so much but bottom line; I hate it! That is the truth:”…and the truth shall set you free!”

I just visited my acupuncturist and thought I’d get her opinion on this topic of hate and love. Is hate an emotion? Can we love and hate something at the same time? I think we concluded that hate is an emotion because love is an emotion and hate is the opposite of love. And we can love and hate at the same time. If you disagree, you’ll have to take it up with her, lol. But I love and hate mental illness and cerebral palsy at the same time.

On the flip side; how can I love something that as taken away so much from us and have changed our lives so drastically? I have lost my job, my sense of being a provider, my self confidence, self worth and the list goes on. So yes, I hate it for those reasons. Then there’s Lauren. The suffering, the senselessness, the freedom to live a “normal life” as been taken away from her. Just last night I was getting her ready for bed and I was massaging an essential oil combination that Lisa developed to help sooth her muscles. When she said,”Daddy I don’t want anymore Jesus Oil (we told her when we apply this oil, Jesus was going to make her better, so she calls it her Jesus oil). So I said,”why not my darling?” And she looked up at me and said,”because I don’t want to walk anymore?” My heart nearly broke. I said, “why don’t you want to walk anymore my love?” And she looked up at me and said,”Because it hurts too much.” Through my tears she said, “you ok Daddy”? I lied and said, “Daddy’s just fine”. When inside I was saying, “I hate you to her cerebral palsy.”

I can’t honestly say I love it, I do love the positive outcomes that have come with our disorders. But sadly to say with the positives come the harsh realities. The sleepless nights, the long periods of screaming, the wanting to walk like Bruddy, the constant 24/7 care that nobody else sees. We have no choice but to cry out to God! HELP!
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Bay Roberts Blogger by the Compass

Bay Roberts blogger says more needs to be done for mental health
Published on May 13, 2017
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The Tucker family has been through some tough times in recent years, and Harris (left) hopes his blog can help raise awareness for mental health. Pictured (from left) are Harris, Logan, Lauren and Lisa Harris.

©Submitted photo

BAY ROBERTS, NL – Mental health issues have put this father of two out of work, but he hopes to raise awareness by writing about his struggles in a blog.
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Harris Tucker now lives in Bay Roberts with his wife, Lisa, and their two children, Logan and Lauren. The family originally lived in St. John’s, where Harris ran his own hairstyling business and Lisa worked as a teacher.
Harris says he’s always struggled with his mental health, having had episodes of depression and anxiety from as young as 16-years-old. However, some time around 2010, Harris was diagnosed with severe anxiety and clinical depression, and says that the stresses of life became too much. He had to leave his career and business behind.
“The stress just kept building and building,” explained Harris. “When I was younger, in my teens and early adult years, I could handle it. I’d have an episode here and there where it got pretty bad, but it was never enough for me to quit my job or anything like that. But now, ever since being clinically diagnosed, I’m too ill to work. It’s no longer just an episode here and there – it’s every day.”
Harris’ daughter, Lauren, is four-years-old, and suffers from cerebral palsy, a disorder that effects muscle tone, movement and motor skills.
Since his own diagnosis, Harris has been writing in an online blog called ‘The Life & Times of the Tuckers’ on Harrislisa72.com, where he shares his own life stories and experiences. At first, the blog was about his own struggles in dealing with his mental health issues, but since Lauren’s diagnosis with cerebral palsy, the blog has expanded into Harris’ struggles as a mentally ill father with a physically disabled daughter.
Harris told The Compass that dealing with his anxiety and depression, as well as Lauren’s cerebral palsy, has taken a toll on the family as a whole. Lisa no longer teaches, as the Tuckers are constantly in and out of places like the Janeway Children’s Hospital, and handling both mental health as well as physical health issues as a family has proven to be a taxing process.
Harris receives around $1,000 a month from disability insurance, and Lisa receives employment insurance. Harris says that this level of income is not nearly enough to sustain a family of four, especially when it comes to the costs related to their health.
As a result, the Tuckers can only afford to put Lauren in daycare three days a week. During the rest of the week, Lauren requires at least one of her parents to be by her side at all times, ultimately adding to the list of reasons Harris or Lisa can’t maintain steady employment.
Harris said the family has relied on crowd funding services such as Gofundme to help cover costs of some things, such as a wheelchair accessible van for Lauren, but adds that the family refuses to live their lives relying on other people’s money.
“It’s not the responsibility of our neighbors, or friends, or people in the community to pay for the things we need,” explained Harris as he sat in the family room of the Janeway. “At the end of the day, we’re at a point in our life where he can’t work. I’m not mentally capable or working, and we’ve got so much to handle that Lisa is no longer teaching, either. But we need more money in order to survive, but the government just doesn’t seem to be willing to try and understand that.”
Harris went on to air his frustrations, mentioning previous conversations he’s had with government representatives who were unable to provide him with the help he needed.
“I finally got a call back from one lady the other day,” said Harris, “who told me that they could help me put Lauren in daycare for an extra two days a week. That sounded great. But, then she told me it was going to cost us somewhere around $800 a month. We can’t afford things like that, not with our current income, and then we’re right back to square one.”
Despite their situation, Harris hopes his blog posts can help raise awareness of the struggles people suffering with mental illness face on a daily basis. Harris is looking to help put an end to the stigma he says sufferers of mental illness have to battle.
“I’m not really a writer. I couldn’t write a book, even if people tell me I should,” said Harris. “But I have been through a lot, and I know there are other people out there struggling in the same way.

The stress just kept building and building.

Harris Tucker

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“We need to end the stigma surrounding mental health. People need help, and they deserve that help, rather than being given the bare minimum. If our blog can help raise awareness for that, then we’ve accomplished our goal.”

Weblink: https://harrislisa72.com/

editor@cbncompas.ca

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Cannot Relate

I got up this morning, not feeling super but thankful that I was up. The day looked so overwhelming for me, so I went to my prayer chamber (the bathroom) and poured my heart out to God once again. Then I went to my Facebook blog comments and read one that really spoke truth and opened my mind to the reality of my illness. I thought I would share it with all who may read my blog; and elaborate on it a little more.

The comment said,”Great writing Harris, thank God I cannot relate to it. I think of you often, you are an inspiration.” I love the honesty she shared when she said, “thank God I cannot relate to it.” That brought so much joy to me because I am so thankful for those who cannot relate. Because this illness is not a one that many would survive. While I prayed, I thanked God that He was allowing ‘me’ to go through this illness; that means I took the place of someone else not having too. Maybe that other person may have turned to other alternatives to numb the pain and despair but I turned to God.

I try to reply to all my comments on my blogs. This was my reply to this particular comment and I hope it fills your heart with gratitude and thankfulness if you are not dealing with this dreaded illness. And if you are, may you find peace and comfort in what I say. My reply,”Thanks again xxxxxx for taking the time to read my blog (Inside My Broken Mind) I am so thankful too that you cannot relate, because this illness is a living hell. If I could take this illness from someone else and put it on myself so they could live a “normal” life, I would. I thank God for doing that for me, when He sent Jesus because that’s what He done for me. So everyday I live in Him, He is my Rock!”

I don’t profess to be perfect and have all the answers because I don’t. But in order to survive this illness you have to depend on someone bigger then yourself. An higher power. Because if you think you can do this yourself, I’m afraid you are sadly mistaken. I wish it were that easy but it’s not; we need a supernatural power. All the drugs, therapy, councilling can only help to a point; and I am grateful for all of that. But the bottom line is we need something and someone bigger.

So if you are at the end of your rope and hanging by a thread, then tie a knot and hang on. If you have tried everything, like I did and found no cure; then try God! We have nothing to loose but everything to gain. On those days when you cannot get out of bed, those days when you just want to die, those days when you have no hope, and those days when you feel all alone in a crowded world; look to Him!

Be thankful if you cannot relate because this is not a journey anyone should have to travel. But if you are like me and have to endure this living hell; be thankful that we have an advocate with the Father, the man Christ Jesus. And He said,”I will NEVER leave you or forsake you”. Hope I haven’t come across has a religious fanatic because I’m far from that. But I speak of my only hope through this illness. I hope it helps in some way to brighten your day and give you peace.

And to those of you who can’t relate; be thankful! Be very thankful!

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Inside My Broken Mind

It’s evening, my high point of the day; evenings seem to give my mind a little reprieve. I feel like a minister preparing for his sermon. What can I say that would help someone today? What can I say that would help myself today? My search for healing and peace are never ending.

I compare my mind to that of an hamster on a hamster wheel; always moving but getting no where. Thoughts enter your mind that we have no power over. What we have to realize is that; that’s all they are, thoughts and nothing more. Taking control of these thoughts and realizing that they can’t harm us is the first step to recovery.

While these thoughts are controlling our mind, we have to concentrate on our breathing, that distracts us from our thoughts, which are usually dark and ugly. It is a never ending nightmare. Yet we long for night time and sleep to escape our nightmare. Sleep is our only escape.

We watch everyone around us, living life as if all is well, but in reality we know it’s not. We want the world to stop and let us get onboard. We’ve fallen off and can’t get back on. We are swimming in an ocean of pain, trying to keep our head above water and hopefully one day will learn to swim like everyone else. But right now we are drowning; drowning in our own thoughts.

Everyone experiences depression differently. But during my major episode, the world looked dark, what was beautiful; looked ugly. The simplest task seemed impossible. I felt I was slowly dying while watching everyone else play, laugh and smile. Those things felt impossible for me, that I was not worth any of them.

Depression is utterly isolating. You hide inside your head, knowing that no one can see what’s going on inside. You live in a world of your own, afraid to come out. An overwhelming fear of your own life and mind.

Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that made you feel a sense of self-worth, self confidence or self value; just vanishes. But over time, with a lot of hard work, you can find meaning again. It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it, because it never always made sense to me.

My depression manifested itself through uncontrollable emotion. But a better way of describing it is a constant feeling of numbness. You felt nothing!

When you wake up, you don’t want to get out of bed; life just seems too big, too unbearable. All you feel is sadness. You wish you could sleep all day and never wake up, where dreams are better than life (the life inside your head). Sleep was an escape from reality. But I have taught my brain that reality is not that bad and I can get through each day (one day at a time).

Now I try to stay outside my mind, not always listen to what my mind is saying. But enjoy the things that I do have around me and be thankful for the little things. This takes time and practice but it’s what you have to do if you are going to survive this “battlefield of the mind”.