Some well meaning people say, “It will get easier with time”, and I thank them because I know they mean well. Will we ever grow to accept Cerebral Palsy and all the limitations that it imposes on Lauren’s life? Today it’s best you say nothing. I will feel exactly what I feel and that’s not pretty.
Lauren calls me from her bedroom, where she spends way too much time but there are days when that’s where she’s most comfortable and free of pain from not sitting. And that’s suppose to be okay? When I arrive at her bedroom she says, “Daddy will you help me ride my bike today?” What am I suppose to say; no you can’t do that? Through a broken heart and tear stained eyes, I tell her we will try. And she’s fine with that. You’re probably thinking, you shouldn’t let Lauren see your tears, that might upset her. Well, I wish she could see my tears but you see, Lauren is vision impaired and she can’t see my tears. So we are talking face to face and Daddy is one broken man. Broken because I realize also that she can’t see my liquid ink flowing down my cheeks. They’re invisible to her. And that’s suppose to be okay?
But today Lauren and I will take the dog for a ‘walk’. Lauren will always ask if it’s raining today, because she knows if it’s raining we won’t go. It’s not raining, so its a nice day to go for a walk. Lauren in her wheelchair, holding the leash, that’s attached to her chair but she doesn’t know that because she wants to hold the leash by ‘herself’. So off we go for our walk…. And that’s suppose to be okay? That’s easy for you to say because you are not the one pushing the wheelchair.
I’m not being angry at anyone, I’m just stating a fact that it’s not okay. It’s not okay that Lauren can’t ride her bike, it’s not okay that Lauren can’t see my tears, it’s not okay that Lauren really can’t ‘walk’ the dog, it’s not okay! And I feel justified in saying, it’s not okay!