Mental illness, like any other illness, brings with it many changes and things that we have to cope with on a day to day basis. We have to take these changes and learn to live with them and not allow them to consume our every moment. If at all possible, we have to accept them and realize that no matter what happens we can live, in spite of everything.
- Completing a task that once seemed so simple. Most simple task that we all perform on a daily basis, we don’t even think about; we just do them. Driving on the highway (something I haven’t done for 6 years now) the fear itself paralyzes me. Every task that I perform I will now replay over and over in my mind.
- Being unable to work. “Not working, I do not work, I cannot work.” Now that makes me angry; I worked for 28 years and loved it (most times). It now makes me feel so worthless. I wish I could, there’s nothing I need more, both for my mental health and for the income that we so desperately need. It seems so simple but for me it seems impossible.
- Fatigue! Whether from my medication, mental fatigue or just plain exhaustion from fighting to be okay. Tiredness is an everyday occurrence that controls what you can or can’t do in your day.
- Isolating! Days when you feel like hiding away or not coming out of your bedroom (but that’s not an option for me). Sometimes you just want to hide “YOU” from the world or vice versa
- .’Zoning Out’. I’ll just kind of withdraw from a conversation I was holding and zone out, unblinking, staring blankly at nothing. Maybe sitting in a room of people and totally separating yourself from everyone and everything in the room and creating your space in your mind.
- Sighing! Everyone thinks I’m angry or frustrated all of the time, when really I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed. And sighing is just a release of negative energy.
- Losing my “Train of Thought”. I can lose my train of thought mid-sentence and often forget very common words. My mind just goes blank and I fumble for the word. Many times I have to be reminded of where I was and what I was talking about. This could be both frustrating and humiliating.
- Memory! I believe we can all forget things at one time or another. But for me there are blocks of my life that I forgot. Details that I can never recall. A song that once I probably knew every word; I now have to trust to writing the words on paper because I cannot depend on my memory anymore. Maybe it’s best I do not remember some things, maybe I don’t remember for a reason.
These are just a few things that my illness as plagued my life with, there are many more. But I have tried, to the best of my ability, to live above my illness. It’s one moment, one hour and one day at a time; it’s what we have. We cannot live in the past, we cannot dwell on the future but we can live for the moment!