This Recovering Mental Illness

J                                                       The day is almost over, night settles in bringing with it it’s darkness. But the day was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and bitter coldness. The week itself felt like the Battle of Armageddon. Along with all the everyday battles and struggles, my war was raging on the inside. I’m not referring to a spiritual war; evil against good, but a war between sad and happy, abnormal and normal, unfulfilled and fulfilled, worthless and worthy, hopeless and hopeful. Where do I stop, when will it stop?

When my doctor told me, almost six years ago, that I had an incurable illness, a long uphill climb and the likelihood of returning to work was a long  way down the road. I thought he was nuts (no pun intended). He told me to apply for Canada Pension Disability. Why would I need to do that, I’ll be better in a couple of months? I guess I have to swallow my pride once again and  admit that he was right and I was way off base. Because after the week that I just endured, I realize this ugly disease still ravishes my mind and body and can attack at any moment; even after six years.

Trying to accept the reality of what is, overwhelms me like a raging tsunami. I feel like the Israelites who wandered in  the desert for forty years and not unlike the Israelites, I probably do my share of questioning, grumbling and complaining. Why God have you brought me into this desert to die? I am still searching for that purpose, that reason why I am where I am at this stage in my life. This is so far from my plans (our plans). I would have never said in a million years.

But who am I? Why not me? There are no respect of persons. It rains on the just and the unjust. I just feel there are holes in my umbrella and I’m soaking wet. I long for the rain to hold up and the sun to break through the clouds. His grace is sufficient for me, or is it? There are days I have my doubts but that’s not His fault. This road sure isn’t perfectly straight and flat but many are the twists, turns and pot holes. I just pray everyday that He’ll guide us over this road of life and one day will bring us safely to our destination.

I guess after suffering and fighting this illness for so long, when I still have bad days or weeks; still makes me nervous. I should be better by now, is my wishful thinking. But my illness was very serious and therefore more complex the recovery and that doesn’t happen overnight. I was hoping by now that my recovery would be more advanced, that I would be further along on my healing journey. But I have no control over what will be, I only hope for the best.