Month: August 2017

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Logan’s Journey

I want to introduce you to an amazing little six year old boy named Logan. When we decided to have children (after been married for thirteen years) we were told we would probably never be able to conceive a child on our own. After working with Fertility Specialists for over a year, we had no progress. So our last and only hope of having a child would be by IVF; Invitro Fertilization.

IVF was a very costly procedure and would be done in Calgary, Alberta. With bags packed and hearts full of anticipation and hope, off we go to Calgary. Once the procedure was complete, which took about a week, we were homeward bound again. Then we waited for two weeks before we could take a pregnancy test; to find out it was positive! To make a long story short, we were soon the proud parents of a “bouncing” baby boy. And two years later we were surprisingly blessed with a beautiful baby girl, you talk about divine intervention and a little “work” by Mommy and Daddy. It was a year later when we would learn the devastating and life altering news of Lauren’s diagnosis with Cerebral Palsy.

Logan has grown to be such an amazing, intelligent, sociable, fun loving little boy. But you see as much has we try to protect and shelter him from all the “challenges” of our lives, this is impossible to do. When I was very sick, especially during ECT treatments, I spent most of my time asleep. How could a little boy understand why his Daddy was always asleep and couldn’t play with him. I hate my illness for stealing this precious time away from my little boy; time I can never get back. Has I’m writing this I am also realizing how much of my memory of this period of my life is gone, due to ECT, medication and the severity of my depression. But we are trying to make new memories and making life as normal has possible for both our children.

Logan is his father’s child when it comes to his love for animals. His first love were worms, then snails, our dog; Brady (who has since gone to Heaven). Then we thought some fish would satisfy his longing for more pets, but only to find out he also had a love for bunnies. Which now he is the proud owner of a blue eyed, white mini lop; the love of his life. Recently we visited Lester’s Farm, Logan wanted to know if we could buy farm animals. I said, “we’ll have to wait and see. A pig has really peaked his curiousity (all things are possible in our household; never say never).

Logan also has a love for singing, that’s also in his genes. His ability to remember songs, his voice range and tune is amazing. I can’t wait to see where he goes with it; “the skies the limit”.

When it comes to toys,he first became fasinated with trains, all trains, not just Thomas the Train. To bad we live on an island where there are no trains, kind of ironic. Then there’s his love for Star Wars and Star Wars Legos. Him and Daddy spent many hours putting together large Star Wars Lego space ships; Daddy loved it.

Logan’s greatest achievement, accomplishment, and love is his little sister Lauren. He’s become her mentor, “Bruddy” is the sparkle in her eye and vice versa. They just love each other (most of the time). If there is anybody that will motivate Lauren to move or maybe even walk; it will be Logan. He can do anything with her and she loved it; they are best buddies.

Logan has seen and experienced more in his little lifetime then most kids, when it comes to life challenges. But I believe it’s those experiences that have made him into the amazing, caring, loving little boy that he has become. He has taught us all, that
there is joy in living and we can overcome any opstacle because we have something that money can’t buy; LOVE! And we just “love him to pieces!”

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A Therapeutic Reflection

Here it is… Yet another therapeutic reflection:

Life certainly has it’s modern conveniences! Practically everything we could need, or want, is at our fingertips. Our immediate access covers from worldwide information to Keurig coffee! It’s only when there’s a glitch in the system, do we even stop to realize how good we have it.
Up until now, we have enjoyed, and have probably taken for granted, the seamless flow of life’s ease of access. While Lauren was a baby, she appeared like any other baby. Cerebral palsy didn’t show itself much at all. Now, Lauren is becoming that independent little girl who wants to “do it myself”! This is when we realize that many of life’s conveniences are not quite as accessible to someone with a disability.
It’s 2016, and some public places have no ramps, push buttons for doors, adequate space to move a chair, proper bathroom facilities, etc
You see, even at home, the required equipment for daily living is different, yes different, from others. ‘Special’ chairs/seats and required therapy items cost double to triple that of the ‘regular’ needs.
What’s my point?? I guess it’s just that we are coming to terms more and more with the additional obstacles that Lauren will have to hurdle. As her parents, our role is to keep these issues as ‘just obstacles’ and NOT
‘limitations’!
Society, too, needs to pause and take note of exactly ‘who’ our modern conveniences cater to. Not everyone will be able to see past the obvious, but those of us who love someone who has a disability will become much more aware of what is often take for granted!
Our goal is to empower our children to find their way in the world. Life has conveniences, yes;but, life is posing challenges now that were once unimaginable! Equal opportunity for all means that some will require different means in order to make it to the same place. Lauren, and other children with disabilities, are no less equal because they are ‘different’. In fact, their ABILITY to find ways to ‘do it myself’ in spite of their DISABILITY, is a lesson to all!
Lisa

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It’s Not All About Me

When you have an illness, especially long term, it’s not only the patient that’s affected but also the caregiver. I’m not just referring to my own illness but anyone with any kind of illness or disability, whether that be cancer, stroke, heart attack and the list goes on. Behind every sick person there’s that one caregiver who is there 24/7. How does that person survive and not get swallowed up in all the stress and not experience burnout? And how does a marriage or relationship (if the caregiver is your spouse or partner) survive such a traumatic experience and still survive? It’s my goal to give you some insight, hope and to answer some questions we might ask.

With my illness, major depression and anxiety disorder, I became a different person. My illness stripped me of my personality, my self worth, self esteem, my job, my everything; to a point where I felt I was left with nothing, not even a soul. My wife was living with a different man, a man she did not know, a stranger. But deep, deep down inside,that man was still there, trying desperately to come back. Really she was a caregiver for three children; myself, and our two children, one with Cerebral Palsy. I was totally in her care, I could not do this on my own; I was disabled and could not function. But the burden was placed on her to be strong and keep our family together. How long can one person survive in this environment and then try to keep her teaching career has well? In answer to that question; no human being can possibly stand up to all this pressure, there is a breaking point.

Our marriage has suffered immensely, the road has been long and rough. I know many days she must have felt like running and I would not blame her. But thus far we are still together and fighting to get “us” back. Statistics show that marriages undergoing the pressures and stress that ours is, do not survive. But thank God we are surviving and hoping for better days. We have certainly put our marriage vows to the test; “for better or worse”(we’ve experienced the worse), “for richer for poorer” (we’ve been down to nothing, financially), “in sickness and in health” (we have been tested to the max). And praying to God each day that He will hold us together.

The way in which a mental illness differs from many (but not all) other illness, is that with a mental illness it changes who you are, on a personal level. My wife was not living with the same man anymore, this adjustment is what many cannot wrap their heads around. After five years we are now trying to rekindle that love again. Mental illness has certainly been a big strain on our marriage but its going to take a lot of hard work to survive. But we are giving it all we got and some days that’s not a lot; we are so drained and exhausted. So if you are reading this and you are a caregiver of any illness; my hats off to you! May God give you strength, courage, and hope to go on.

Then there’s the question; how can one person (the caregiver) survive all of this stress and not reach a breaking point. I really believe, it’s not possible that it does change who that person has become. The years of stress, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, hopelessness, fatigue; all take it’s tole on that person. Maybe it’s easy for someone to judge a caregiver and say , “well that’s what they signed up for”. That is not true and if you haven’t walked in their shoes and haven’t experienced the life of a caregiver, then don’t judge. But instead, be that helping hand, that voice of encouragement and that source of strength for the caregiver. For they need and deserve all the help they can get, just has much as the ill person. But lots of times we have the tendency to overlook and forget about what the caregiver is going through.

So if you are a caregiver and you are falling beneath the load, please seek help; talk to your doctor, seek out a good friend, take some time for you. Don’t feel guilty about doing so, you need help too. If you don’t look after yourself it’s possible to get “caregiver burnout”. And yes there is such a thing and is very serious. “Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion”. Burnout can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need or if they try to do more than they are able. They can experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression. So take the time to look after yourself before you get to this point.

So today I salute all you caregivers! Especially one in particular, my wife Lisa. Thank you for sticking by me, through thick and thin. There are no words to express my gratitude. And Lauren and Logan say thanks has well. We love and appreciate you.

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My Prayer For The Future

Dear God,
In this life we are not promised tomorrow; for tomorrow might never come.

But just in case it does, would you please answer my prayer.

There’s one thing I’ve learned and that is life can change in a moment.

May I rest my troubled mind in your hands. The uncertainties, the unknown,
the fears; may I be assured that if tomorrow does come, that I am in your
hands and all is well.

The future seems so vast, so big, so overwhelming that in my own strength
I realize I could not walk this journey alone. So, on those days would you
please carry me. When my tears flow down my cheeks like a river, would
you please wipe them dry.

The future is not mine, but yours. May I always trust that you will hold my
future and I can rest assured that I’m in Your Hands.

Thanks God,
Harris

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My Prayer For Today

Dear God,
I know I’m not asking too much; for nothing is impossible with you.

May I find sunshine through the clouds.
Light in the darkness.
Wisdom for my unanswered questions.
Hope, when it seems all hope is gone.
Faith when my faith is small.
Healing for all my hurts and ills.
Forgiveness to move on.
And love when I just need a hug.

So God,
If you’re listening today and you decide to answer my prayer;

May I spread sunshine to someone else’s cloudy day.
Shine my light to illuminate the darkness.
Wisdom to help someone find their way.
Spread hope to those feeling hopeless.
Offer faith that can move mountains.
Healing for those who are hurting and in pain.
Help others to find forgiveness.
May I never be afraid to give someone a hug; for God is Love

Thanks God,
Harris

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Writer’s Block

I think I have writer’s block! But I decided it’s time to write anyway. I’m sure has I start writing, I’ll have lots to share. I think I’ll answer some questions I have roaming around in my head and update you on what’s happening and how I’m progressing on this journey of mine. To say the least it’s been a roller coaster ride and not the fun kind.

Why do I blog, why do I invest in my time to write and what’s a blog anyway? A blog is really the publishing of one’s thoughts, activities and happenings on the internet. Much like journalling but journalling is for personal viewing only; a private writing of your thoughts into a book rather than on the internet. Blogging and journally are both a very effective form of therapy for individuals that need an outlet to release your thoughts and feelings. Whether that be a private journal or a public blog. My doctor recommended I start journalling a long time ago. I did that for a while but then I realized I wanted to share my journey with others and in the process may help others who are walking this same road. So here I am sharing my life with you.

I guess it’s time for a little update on my progress or regression, whatever it might be. A few weeks ago it felt like regression but in reality I cannot honestly say that I am where I would like to be. After five years, I still struggle every day. My nightsleeps are always interrupted with thoughts of panic and fear. Mornings are still a ‘fight for my life’ battle from within my head. I manage with a lot of self-talk, mindfulness (being in the moment) and being aware of my breathing.

A few weeks ago I became very tired, frustrated and discouraged; I was sick of being sick! So I thought I’d take matters into my own hands and take action before this escalated any further. It is one of my greatest fears that my ugly illness will show itself in all of it’s fury once again and I cannot let that happen. I’M AFRAID I WOULD NEVER SURVIVE ANOTHER RELAPSE OF THIS MAGNITUDE EVER AGAIN. So immediately I called my psychiatrist office, expecting to get in immediately (silly me). I certainly would not have called if I had thought this was not an urgent matter. The earliest, the secretary said, “is September 28th” which is my original appointment anyway. So I said in hopelessness and urgency to put me on a wait list; so far….no call!

Coincidentally I had an appointment made with my family doctor for the following day. When I visited him I told him of my issue with my psychiatrist. My doctor, sensing my desperation, assured me he could help. I was, at the time, on 187.5mg of effexor. He thought he should increase by 37.5mg until I reached a maximum of 300mg. I left feeling much encouraged and with an hope that an increase would help. I have now reached my 300mg dose for each day. Now I’m living in hopes that this dosage is going to improve my condition and I’ll feel better. But all in time. So now I wait. AGAIN!

But on the other hand, I am doing so much better than I have in the past. I now have longer periods of time when I feel the sunshine. Days when “hope springs eternal”, meaning; “it is human nature to always find fresh cause for optimism”. So for that I am so grateful and thankful. And pray to God that I will never go back to that cold, dark, ugly place that once I was. All we have to do is hang in there (that’s not easy to do) and never give up.

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For When I Can’t Understand

Today I’ve pondered…
For many blessings, I am thankful…
From many struggles, I am battered…
For many questions, I seek answers…
For the future, I seek direction…
From the past, I long for release…
For today, I pray for strength…
For just in the hours that I’ve lived today, I have encountered love, excitement, fear, frustration, injustice, innocence…
Along with so many, there is so much about life that is unfair, even cruel… And yet we cling to our every breath, hoping for peace in the journey.
Somedays, all I can do is take all that I don’t understand and pray that one day I’ll at least be able to let go of the unanswered questions and find the courage to fully trust the One who holds all the answers to life’s ‘whys’…
So, for myself, and even those others I’ve encountered today,tonight I pray…

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“Oh Me Nerves”!

How many times have I heard the phrase, “Bad Nerves”, in my lifetime? Is that something like an ingrown toenail? Maybe its the flu or diarrhea? Sorry but I’m real, not here to win any popularity contest, say it like I see it. That phrase to me is an insult, that minimizes the reality of someone suffering from depression and/or anxiety. It takes away from the actual seriousness and pain of this illness and suggest a far lesser degree of intensity. Oh, they just got ‘bad nerves’! That may have worked fifty years ago but not today.

This disorder needs to be taken more serious and may I suggest that the medical field would do the same. If this were the case, we would see far less suicides which stands now worldwide at, “one suicide every forty seconds”. That blows my mind; no pun intended.

One problem is; why are people so reluctant to take medication for this illness? I believe in part it’s the shame and stigma that goes with this illness. If I take medication I must be weak. Why can’t I fight this illness myself? It’s like all other illnesses that require medication. Would I tell someone to stop taking their insulin because they can beat diabetes on their own? Off course I wouldn’t. Then why are people so quick to tell someone; you don’t need medication, you can do this on your own. I’m sorry people but medication can and will help this illness if the correct drug is found for you. Every individual is different and what medication may work for one person may not work for the other. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find the correct one and find the one that’s right for you. Never give up!

Then there’s the timeline people put on this illness. I didn’t know there was a certain amount of time allocated for recovery or improvement.Every person suffering from this illness recover (and I use this word loosely) at different degrees and some take longer than others to reach a functioning level again. One cannot put a time limit on this illness, it’s a one day, one hour, one minute process. And to be truthful I don’t know if anyone is ever fully recovered from this disease. It’s like cancer, once you have it there’s always the fear of it’s return. But we live in hopes that we can live a happy, functioning life again. Right now I am functioning but not at a level where I want to be; I will never give up, even if it kills me. I will die from trying to beat this disease. I can’t and won’t accept that this is the best I’ll ever be; I will be better.

I also believe the Church Community need to take this illness more seriously and be held somewhat responsible for sending mentally ill people to an hellish grave. I know this may sound harsh but if it gets us talking and searching for God’s direction, then I have accomplished what I sat out to do. Churches are scared to death to even touch this topic, so they do nothing at all. But are quick to judge the fate of one who has lost the battle with this illness. Let’s leave that to God, for it is not our place to judge. And because I have this illness doesn’t mean that God is going to take it all away.He can but because He doesn’t, it doesn’t mean He’s left us alone and we are less in His eyes. The bible says, ‘I am the apple of His eye”.

This has been a long five years battling this cancer-like illness. It has eaten away at who I was and I may never get that person back again. But I will certainly be the best person I can be with what I have left. It has stolen so many lost moments with my wife and children and for that I will forever hate this illness. Try has hard as I must, I know I still have to fight to live in the present moment. For those who are reading this and can relate, I pray that the God of love, mercy and grace will look down upon us and pull us out of this horrible pit. And for those who are reading this and don’t get it, that’s ok, be thankful that you have not had to experience this nightmare. But may God awake you from your slumber and open your eyes to those around you who are suffering in silence, maybe in your own family. May He open your minds to get a glimpse into what this illness really is.

Call it what you may; Bad Nerves or Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder. The truth remains, many are suffering this horrible disease who are looking for someone to “just take them seriously”.