Depression like addiction is an ongoing  chronic condition that is subject to repeated episodes. My first episode was when I was only sixteen , I remember very little about this time. I do remember I spent most of my time asleep and could not function. Totally shut down. I also remember going to the doctor and have him send me home with no help whatsoever. He just said, “there is no medications available for teenagers or youth. There was no help, I had to sink or swim and I was sinking fast; drowning in my own despair!
Recovery from depression is not a one time event, it is an ongoing process. Getting out of depression happens in two stages; 1. You have to get out of hell, 2. You have to stay out of hell. The best way to prevent a relapse is to closely monitor your own feelings and mood.
The beginning stage of a relapse is disruption of sleep, appetite change, more tired, worrying, apathetic, etc. Being aware of these early signs and nipping them in the bud, before they escalate into something worse is a must.
The second stage of a relapse is called “beginning of a crisis” when things are shutting down. When symptoms are interfering with your everyday  functioning. Reach out for support; call your doctor, your therapist  or anyone you know that can help you through this. This stage is my greatest fear because you feel like you are loosing control again. And you are heading back to that ugly place where you never want to go again. This stage doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where you’re headed. It’s your body and mind saying, “you come first, take care of yourself”. Before you ever get to stage three you need to be proactive.
This is stage three where you don’t want to be ever again. But if you do, don’t loose hope! You will get through this; you’ve done this before.  This is where you can’t function anymore, you become disabled; a full blown relapse. It’s here you may need to go back in the hospital. Or have someone  to take care of you at home. But you will pull through this again. Just don’t give up the fight,never loose hope.
Throughout my lifetime I have had many second stage relapses or episodes as I would call them. Where I became very depressed and required  medical attention. A visit to my doctor usually to tweek my medication and in a few months I’m doing fairly well again. Most of those times I am still at a functioning level. I ran my own business for about 28 years. Take a few days off,here and there, and do a lot of self-talk, family and friends support and pray.
My last episode was a full blown relapse where I was hospitalized, various treatments, medications and a period of time when I didn’t want to fight anymore; I just wanted to die. It as taken me four years to crawl out of this abyss. To say the least this as been a battlefield of the mind. I have fought with every ounce of strength I have.
These pass few days have been very fearful for me; it’s my greatest fear in life that I would relapse. I’ve been doing fairly well for the last few months. But this week as been rough, I am feeling more emotional than usual, uneasy, a feeling that you know inside that something is just not right. You have to push yourself more than usual.  I’m hoping that it’s a trigger that I’m facing and not a full blown relapse. You see our dog, Brady, passed away a few days ago and maybe what  I’m feeling is grief and loneliness. He was not “just” a dog, he was a part of our family for twelve years. So I pray to God, in all His mercy, that He will not put me through a relapse ever again. And that I will overcome this battle once again! Maybe this is just a bump in the road.
Well done, Harris!
Transparent and honest! Thanks for being real and sharing your story! — true stuff: “But you will pull through this again. Just don’t give up the fight,never loose hope.”