I feel like I lost my ability to write; I just stare at my paper and nothing happens. Not that there’s nothing to write about, maybe just that there’s too much going through this head of mine and I don’t know how to express it anymore. Almost like, what’s the point? Who’s listening? Who cares? The last few days have been tough, and I mean tough, unexplainable tough.
When you struggle/suffer from a mental illness, it just doesn’t go away when you will it to or want it to. When you awake in the morning, you don’t choose how you are going to feel today, you just hope that it’s going to be a good one. Well, the last couple of days have not been good ones, you feel like you’re hanging by a thread and if you let go you are going to fall into this dark hole, a bottomless pit and you just keep falling.
The symptoms of depression and anxiety are so crippling and disabling. Everything I do I have to push myself, the everyday tasks are never simple or enjoyable. The overwhelming fear and inability makes them nearly impossible to do. You want to hide, to isolate; just escape. But you can do neither, life happens, life still goes on and I have to move along with it, in spite of it all. Whether I feel like it or not; it as to be done and I do it. I guess I’m stronger then I think I am because when I’m at a low, I have no idea how I can move on. But I do!
I’m tired of performing, exhausted from the fight, laden with the burdens, the load is just too heavy to carry. What are my options? Give up? Keep fighting? In my human strength, I would have given up a long time ago. But that still small voice keeps reminding me, ‘I got this, just leave it up to me’. And I try with every ounce of strength that I have left in me, and at times that’s pretty limited, to put my trust in the God, who when I’m feeling low, seems so far away. But I know He’s there, He’s got to be, there are no other answers; only He can provide what I need. So when I’m hanging by a thread, it’s the hem of His garment.