This recovering journey is never linear.. What I mean by that is my symptoms and mood are never on a straight plain. It’s more like a roller coaster, there are many ups and downs, you are never on a level plain. Some days you could be doing fairly well and others you could be ready to jump out of your skin. Just last week my illness overwhelmed me with feelings of exhaustion and my brain was overcrowded with unwanted thoughts that I had no control over. But today I’m feeling a little more empowered and start my uphill climb once again.
This journey is rarely a walk in the park, it’s more like climbing Mount Everest. Some days you are weak has a rat and more days you feel like you can climb; one step at a time. But the encouraging thing is; you are moving, even if it is in baby steps. It’s like the saying, ‘You can eat an elephant, one mouthful at a time.’ And so you can climb this “Mountain of Depression and Anxiety”, one footstep at a time. If you are reading this and you are saying, ‘but I can’t do this anymore, I am just too exhausted.’ Trust me; “YOU CAN”! You are stronger then you think.
Where is my strength coming from, where is your strength going to come from? I remember when I had my last relapse; I searched for healing, my wellness, my escape from this hellish disease from without. I was searching for someone or something to “make” me better. But that never happened, I was at a dead end, I had tried EVERYTHING. But it wasn’t until I searched within myself that I found a strength that I didn’t know existed. But I still take it one day at a time, that’s all we have. Yesterday is gone (so don’t dwell on it) and we are not promised tomorrow (so don’t worry about it). Live in the moment, it’s what we have.
My treatment/therapy now consist of medication (which I know is crucial to my mental health), learning to accept my limitations (my new normal), having structure in my day (a routine), limiting stress as much as I can (sometimes that’s hard to do given my life circumstances), always having a ‘project’ (painting, cleaning, reading, singing, etc.) and one of my favorite of all is; writing my blogs (amazing therapy). All of these elements help me cope with each day and creates a sense of who I am. I am NOT my illness, there is so much more to me then my disorder; so I refuse to be defined by depression and anxiety.
After so many years of searching for the truth of who I really am; I believe I have finally found it. There is so much more to us and to me then this physical and mental body. There is a spiritual component that we have to tap into to find real strength, real courage, and the real you, the real me. And I believe this can only come from an omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful), and omnipresent (everywhere present) spiritual power. And there is only one person I know that possesses all three; God Our Father. He has been and still is my greatest source of strength and peace. On days when I was at my lowest, He was and is still my greatest source of stability, my rock, and my hope.
So you see, my recovering journey of faith, starts by placing my entire life into His hands. That’s hard to do because I thought I could do it on my own, what a joke that was. There are some things in life that we have no control over and have to be left with God, He is in control. So now I put my total trust and confidence in someone who is greater then I am. It sure takes a load off me and makes my journey a little easier.
