Tag: recovery

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2020; A Year We Would Not Soon Forget

January 20, 2017 was my first post to my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. Life & Times Of  “The Tuckers”. ‘Living with severe depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine’. A form of therapy that brought me through many very dark days. And here I am, January 2, 2021; posting again. Never in my life did I think this blog would last for years and would eventually be published into a book. And may I go further and say, books (two at the least). I can always dream; dreams do come true. This, I feel, will be a cause to pause from writing about my illness. As therapeutic as blogging has been for me, it has also been exhausting and draining; I’ve been misunderstood, stigmatized, traumatized and ridiculed. But that came with no surprise to me; it’s what having a mental illness does to a person. But I still had to write the truth, no matter what. What was meant to start out as therapy for myself, also became a means to help others, through my own experiences with a mental illness. I learned that, much like everything in life, we cannot change the world; nor did I think I could. But I did think I could help one person at a time. And if that meant putting my heart and soul into my writing (raw & honest) then I was willing to do so.  If it meant helping someone else, to save one life, then I was successful in what I set out to do.

In 2012, I had my last relapse, and was told by my doctor that I would not be going back to work; if ever. And here I am in 2021, still fighting my disabling, crippling, tormenting illness; an illness that has left me fighting for that one ‘good day’. But inside this physical body a war is still raging against my mental health. Over the past few years, life has introduced many triggers, many uphill climbs, many times when I just had to crawl. But I fight with what I have and there are times when that may not be much. But I fight!

When I look back over the past year, and wonder how I survived, I really am in awe that I am doing as well as I am. The year was filled with much sadness, loss, sickness, discouragement and I could go on, but what amazes me the most, is that we are still fighting; fighting against all odds.

When Lauren was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy in 2014, we knew we were going to encounter many challenges and obstacles; but we had no idea just how many; it was one thing after another, there was no end. We were told, when she was around one year old, that her vision was affected, they just couldn’t tell us just how much she was seeing. Being the naïve parents we were, we just  thought,  when she gets a little older she’ll just need glasses and that’ll take care of her vision. We were so wrong again.  When she was referred to the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind), we were literary in shock. We realized then that Lauren’s vision was not going to be corrected with a pair of glasses. My God, how were we going to get through this? How were we going to accept this? Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Then she was referred to APSEA (Atlantic Provinces Education Authority) in March 2020. Their findings were what led to her being diagnosed with CVI (Cortical Visual Impairment). This has more to do with how the brain is interpreting what the eye is seeing. There is no cure per se. With intervention, improvement is possible, but not a lot of hope, in my opinion.

The year, 2020, began with Lisa’s surgery on March 16. This surgery was supposedly a routine surgery that would only require an overnight stay in the hospital. However, due to complications resulting from the surgery, Lisa was rushed back into the OR for emergency , life-saving surgery on March 17. This surgery resulted in  her being put in ICU on a ventilator, fighting for her life.

And if that weren’t  bad enough, the hospital was now on lockdown due to the worldwide pandemic of the Covid19 virus. Lisa had to experience this all alone because there were no visitors allowed in the hospital;  not even her distraught husband. You talk about an hell on earth, and that was exactly what we were experiencing. Lisa stayed in the hospital for eight days. Once released, we thought we were on the road to recovery; so we thought. To make a long story short, within five months Lisa was back in the hospital from August 23- September 3, due to more complications from that first surgery back in March 16, 2020; a nightmare for us all, especially our two children, Logan & Lauren.

Then, once Lisa was back home and settled in again, she had to find the courage to tell me that my sweet niece, Tonya, had suddenly passed away. Shock, grief and bereavement totally shot me down! The feeling of disbelief consumed my mind. How could this be? She was so young! Our whole family was lost in a sea of grief. A part of all of us was missing; that piece of your heart that you hold close to you, had now gone to Heaven.

It seemed like the year could not get any worse, but the pandemic was sweeping the world! Schools were closed for the remainder of the school year. Lisa was pretty much out of commission; what was supposed to initially be a six week recovery period, ended up to be a full year for recovery. And, here we were with a child that had CP, requiring 24/7 care; care that we had to provide on our own.  All the while, we continued to try to give our nine year old little boy as normal a life as possible.  In spite of it all, he was a trooper and we are so proud of him.

I had to believe that God was in the midst of all this chaos, because this was something we could not handle in our human strength. I prayed for God’s strength, comfort and protection to make it through these most trying times. He was and is faithful!                                                                                                                         

 

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Lord Help Us To Believe

Lauren asked Mommy, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Wow, how do you answer that truthfully? What we want and what we pray for isn’t always what we get. Sometimes God’s way isn’t our way. Our timing sometimes is way off, we expect answers right away, but I believe that’s not the way it always works. And trusting God when your five years old little girl is in pain and can’t walk is very hard to understand and accept.

You see, Lauren as been in bed now for months, she is gradually improving but very slowly. She is so intelligent and because she is, there is nothing she doesn’t analyze. Therefore after all this time she as spent in bed and having so much pain and discomfort, she’s starting to question God. Everyone keeps telling her that Jesus is going to make her better. So she, being no different then ourselves, asks the question, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Are we giving her false hope and unrealistic goals? Is she beginning to realize that I’ve been in pain and discomfort for so long and Jesus hasn’t made me better? Maybe He never will, maybe this is her life.

And I’m beginning to believe that maybe what we are telling her isn’t what God wants at all. It’s what we want and oh we want it so desperately. There is nothing I would want more then for her pain to end and she could just get up and walk. But is this what God wants? I don’t know, my thoughts are not God’s thoughts. I am trying so hard to believe and trust, when things aren’t looking that great. I believe that miracles can still happen and that God is our greatest option. But the reality is we are tired, worn down, worried, anxious and helpless. There are days when we feel we are sinking, our ship is going down, when we have no other alternative but to keep looking for that light, that beam of hope, it’s there somewhere, still shining; but the fog is so thick with life’s trials and tribulations that it’s so hard to see. We need a miracle, if not for healing, then for strength, hope and wisdom to endure, to overcome, to do what we have to do.

A family cannot experience what we are and it not affect the whole family unit. It’s tough on all of us and we struggle to keep us together. All four of us have experienced so much trauma in our lives, so much unforeseen change, that some days it’s near impossible just to focus on getting through that day. But we try to take it one day at a time and that’s not easy when the decisions you make today, could drastically affect tomorrow. We have to believe that there is someone greater, an higher power that is watching over us. Lord help us to believe.

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How Are You?

                                                              I am depressed! That’s not an everyday answer to the question,” How are you?” I think if you answered with that phrase, the other person would go in shock or think you were crazy. The more sociable response would be; I’m doing fine, I’m great, I’m good, etc.  We live in a Society that really doesn’t want to hear the real truth of how you are truly feeling but the more politically correct response. If you are sensitive to negativity and only surround yourself with positive people or if you think negative thoughts are contagious; then you better stop reading and leave this blog. I believe sometimes we mistake pain and hurt for negativity. If I were to say I only have positive thoughts, then I would be lying. If I did, I would be in denial or living in a bubble. All illness, physical or mental, bring with it negativity. We have two forces moving through the universe; negative and positive. And in order to produce electricity we need both. I believe in order to live a balanced life we need both forces to ignite our fire. To say we do not have negative thoughts, then I believe we are suppressing reality. Just as the sun shines, so must the rain fall.

Reality for me is living with negative thoughts, do I choose to live with these thoughts? Do I have a choice about these thoughts? Absolutely not! I don’t have a on/off switch. Who in their right mind (no pun intended) would want to be bombarded by negative thinking. Certainly not me. But that’s what depression is; having more negative thoughts, then positive thoughts. I do my part to keep these thoughts under control when I am at a capable place in my mindset. O well, you might say, “All you have to do is think positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people”. I pray to God it were that easy. That would be like saying to someone who has anorexia, “Just eat food”. It’s not that simple and that’s not the way it works. We have an illness, a brain disorder, and no amount of positive thinking will cure us. I’m hoping and praying that one day, my mind will heal completely, just as if I cut my finger and over time it healed.

My mental illness is much like a physical illness; if gone untreated it will only get worse and maybe even cause death. It is as real and painful has any physical illness. And will not go away on it’s own. “Suicide happens when pain exceeds the ability to cope”(Dianna Paige). People don’t kill themselves; their illness kills them. People are victims of suicide. Suicide is what kills them, their illness is what kills them. So mental illness needs to be treated before it escalates to a point where you have no hope.

How many slang negative terms can you come up with pertaining to mental illness; crazy, psycho, mental, insane, nuts, weird, etc. Now how many negative slang terms can you come up with for cancer? None, there are none. But both of these are illnesses; if you suffer an illness of the mind you are thought to be irrational but if you suffer a physical illness you are honorable, courageous and strong. Mental illness is the only illness that the person is blamed for their illness or lack of recovery.

I’m tired of living in a Society where you get a cast if your arm is broken, but if you have a mental illness, you become an outCAST.  Over the time it took to read this blog, over 20 people from around the world have died by suicide. With the proper support, guidance and care these deaths could have been prevented. It is up to us and is our responsibility to take a stand, end stigma and raise awareness for Mental Illness.

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“Oh Me Nerves”!

How many times have I heard the phrase, “Bad Nerves”, in my lifetime? Is that something like an ingrown toenail? Maybe its the flu or diarrhea? Sorry but I’m real, not here to win any popularity contest, say it like I see it. That phrase to me is an insult, that minimizes the reality of someone suffering from depression and/or anxiety. It takes away from the actual seriousness and pain of this illness and suggest a far lesser degree of intensity. Oh, they just got ‘bad nerves’! That may have worked fifty years ago but not today.

This disorder needs to be taken more serious and may I suggest that the medical field would do the same. If this were the case, we would see far less suicides which stands now worldwide at, “one suicide every forty seconds”. That blows my mind; no pun intended.

One problem is; why are people so reluctant to take medication for this illness? I believe in part it’s the shame and stigma that goes with this illness. If I take medication I must be weak. Why can’t I fight this illness myself? It’s like all other illnesses that require medication. Would I tell someone to stop taking their insulin because they can beat diabetes on their own? Off course I wouldn’t. Then why are people so quick to tell someone; you don’t need medication, you can do this on your own. I’m sorry people but medication can and will help this illness if the correct drug is found for you. Every individual is different and what medication may work for one person may not work for the other. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find the correct one and find the one that’s right for you. Never give up!

Then there’s the timeline people put on this illness. I didn’t know there was a certain amount of time allocated for recovery or improvement.Every person suffering from this illness recover (and I use this word loosely) at different degrees and some take longer than others to reach a functioning level again. One cannot put a time limit on this illness, it’s a one day, one hour, one minute process. And to be truthful I don’t know if anyone is ever fully recovered from this disease. It’s like cancer, once you have it there’s always the fear of it’s return. But we live in hopes that we can live a happy, functioning life again. Right now I am functioning but not at a level where I want to be; I will never give up, even if it kills me. I will die from trying to beat this disease. I can’t and won’t accept that this is the best I’ll ever be; I will be better.

I also believe the Church Community need to take this illness more seriously and be held somewhat responsible for sending mentally ill people to an hellish grave. I know this may sound harsh but if it gets us talking and searching for God’s direction, then I have accomplished what I sat out to do. Churches are scared to death to even touch this topic, so they do nothing at all. But are quick to judge the fate of one who has lost the battle with this illness. Let’s leave that to God, for it is not our place to judge. And because I have this illness doesn’t mean that God is going to take it all away.He can but because He doesn’t, it doesn’t mean He’s left us alone and we are less in His eyes. The bible says, ‘I am the apple of His eye”.

This has been a long five years battling this cancer-like illness. It has eaten away at who I was and I may never get that person back again. But I will certainly be the best person I can be with what I have left. It has stolen so many lost moments with my wife and children and for that I will forever hate this illness. Try has hard as I must, I know I still have to fight to live in the present moment. For those who are reading this and can relate, I pray that the God of love, mercy and grace will look down upon us and pull us out of this horrible pit. And for those who are reading this and don’t get it, that’s ok, be thankful that you have not had to experience this nightmare. But may God awake you from your slumber and open your eyes to those around you who are suffering in silence, maybe in your own family. May He open your minds to get a glimpse into what this illness really is.

Call it what you may; Bad Nerves or Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder. The truth remains, many are suffering this horrible disease who are looking for someone to “just take them seriously”.

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The Reality Of My Diagnosis

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“There is no cure for your illness”, were the dreaded words I hear roaming around in the back of my head; coming from my doctor’s mouth. I just wanted to duct tape his mouth, so I wouldn’t hear the reality of what he was saying. But he wouldn’t stop; “We can get you back to a functioning level and that’s the best we could do. What did that mean, “A functioning level”? Sounded like a death sentence to me at the time. You mean I have to live with this for the rest of my life? Funny question to ask considering I had really already been living with mental illness (on a smaller scale) all my life. Was this my reality?

My horror really started when I was sixteen and in high school. It was midterm exams and I was feeling very anxious,worried and full of panic. Then one day I just collapsed. I couldn’t function anymore; I gave up on life. My days were spent asleep, whether in bed or on the sofa. I remember going to the doctor and receiving no help whatsoever. “We can’t give antidepressants to teenagers”,were his words and sent me home to fight this raging war all alone. Very few back then, knew much about depression and anxiety, let alone knowing how to deal with it. I felt I was left to die alone. My friends from school didn’t come near, maybe they thought I was contagious. My only support was my family and I am so thankful for that. Over time I gradually got a little better each day. In the 80’s we were so uneducated about mental illness and the walls of stigma were so high. It was almost if you ignored it long enough it would go away. But all through my life, I know now, I battled depression and anxiety. And I can openly speak the words and not have to hide in shame.

When I was “formally” diagnosed just three years ago; that I suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder. Does that make me feel any better? Somewhat. Now I have a name on what I’ve been battling most of my life. My nightmare now became a reality. I realize now I have a disability. Not a one confined to a wheelchair but a one that confined me to my broken mind.

Now it’s learning how to accept my disability and learn to live with my “thorn in the flesh”. I have come such a long way, my doctor says, I am now in the recovery stage of illness. But then I think, how can I be in recovery when there is no cure? Well, I have to get back to a functioning level and learn to control my symptoms and not the other way around. Learning to be the best that I can be and teaching my brain that it’s going to be ok. That is what recovery is all about; learning to live with my challenges and obstacles despite my illness. The reality is that, just like any other disability, I will have to find a different path that leads to a somewhat “normal” life.

It might appear that all I am saying is negative, but that is the reality of this illness. Negativity and depression coexist. It’s finding the positivity in this illness that leads you to the road to recovery. It’s finding the sunshine that’s hiding behind the clouds. Because I have a mental illness doesn’t mean I still can’t have meaning and purpose in my life. I am not my illness. Vitor Frankl in his book eluded to this when he said, “that life holds a potential meaning under any conditions, even the most miserable ones. I therefore felt responsible for writing down what I had gone through, for I thought it might be helpful to people who are prone to despair.” He wrote this after being freed from his hellish existence in a Nazi concentration camp. So I too, feel I have to write the truth about my illness, even if it is negative because that is the truth of my hellish existence; when I was trapped in my “concentration camp”. The memories of those most awful days will probably always be trapped inside my mind, but that’s all they are; memories and they can’t harm or hurt me anymore. It’s my life mission to free myself and others from the depths of despair that this illness brings.

The reality right at this moment in time is that I am not cured. I am doing a lot better. Because I am not fully recovered doesn’t mean that others can’t and it doesn’t mean that I will never be cured. But the reality remains; I am certainly not where I need to be. I still have a few more baby steps to make before I can walk. And that is REALITY; whether I like it or not. The reality is; this illness sucks!

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Relapse Prevention

Depression like addiction is an ongoing  chronic condition that is subject to repeated episodes. My first episode was when I was only sixteen , I remember very little about this time. I do remember I spent most of my time asleep and could not function. Totally shut down. I also remember going to the doctor and have him send me home with no help whatsoever. He just said, “there is no medications available for teenagers or youth. There was no help, I had to sink or swim and I was sinking fast; drowning in my own despair!

Recovery from depression is not a one time event, it is an ongoing process. Getting out of depression happens in two stages; 1. You have to get out of hell, 2. You have to stay out of hell. The best way to prevent a relapse is to closely monitor your own feelings and mood.

The beginning stage of a relapse is disruption of sleep, appetite change, more tired, worrying, apathetic, etc. Being aware of these early signs and nipping them in the bud, before they escalate into something worse is a must.

The second stage of a relapse is called “beginning of a crisis” when things are shutting down. When symptoms are interfering with your everyday  functioning. Reach out for support; call your doctor, your therapist  or anyone you know that can help you through this. This stage is my greatest fear because you feel like you are loosing control again. And you are heading back to that ugly place where you never want to go again. This stage doesn’t necessarily mean that’s where you’re headed. It’s your body and mind saying, “you come first, take care of yourself”. Before you ever get to stage three you need to be proactive.

This is stage three where you don’t want to be ever again. But if you do, don’t loose hope! You will get through this; you’ve done this before.  This is where you can’t function anymore, you become disabled; a full blown relapse. It’s here you may need to go back in the hospital. Or have someone  to take care of you at home. But you will pull through this again. Just don’t give up the fight,never loose hope.

Throughout my lifetime I have had many second stage relapses or episodes as I would call them. Where I became very depressed and required  medical attention. A visit to my doctor usually to tweek my medication and in a few months I’m doing fairly well again. Most of those times I am still at a functioning level. I ran my own business for about 28 years. Take a few days off,here and there, and do a lot of self-talk, family and friends support and pray.

My last episode was a full blown relapse where I was hospitalized, various treatments, medications and a period of time when I didn’t want to fight anymore; I just wanted to die. It as taken me four years to crawl out of this abyss. To say the least this as been a battlefield of the mind. I have fought with every ounce of strength I have.

These pass few days have been very fearful for me; it’s my greatest fear in life that I would relapse. I’ve been doing fairly well for the last few months. But this week as been rough, I am feeling more emotional than usual, uneasy, a feeling that you know inside that something is just not right. You have to push yourself more than usual.  I’m hoping that it’s a trigger that I’m facing and not a full blown relapse. You see our dog, Brady, passed away a few days ago and maybe what  I’m feeling is grief and loneliness. He was not “just” a dog, he was a part of our family for twelve years. So I pray to God, in all His mercy, that He will not put me through a relapse ever again. And that I will overcome this battle once again! Maybe this is just a bump in the road.

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Does Mental Illness Change Who You Are?

Am I the same person I was before I became severely ill? No and neither are you. None of us are; we are forever evolving. There are times when I look back and wish I were that person again but that’s not going to happen. And that is probably for the best. Maybe my experience through my illness as made me an even better person; more understanding, compassionate and more aware of myself and others around me.

But the part of me that wants that old person back (the  person before my illness) is the part of me that didn’t have to fight to be happy, I didn’t have to put on a front or a forced smile, it just happened. Although I am at a better stage in my illness, I still struggle everyday to be “well”. And also that little voice in my subconscious that reminds me every day that my life can change in a second. My greatest fear; a relapse! But I can’t live in fear that that’s going to happen. I have to be aware of my illness everyday and be conscious  of my mental well being and never let my guard down. If that’s what’s required to keep me mentally healthy then that’s what I’ll do.

I am now at a crucial stage of my recovery; sometimes I think it’s a more dangerous stage then my acute stage. It’s a time when you have a tendency to let your guard down and with this illness; everyday is a work in progress. You have to constantly keep your mind in the moment and never forget where you came from.  Things can change; your circumstances, your everyday routines, life struggles, positive and negative stresses. Any of these things can trigger a setback. And that can put your mind in a spin and panic can set in rather quickly. But remind yourself that nobody as a perfect day, life comes with it’s ups and downs, good and bad…. a roller coaster ride. But because we    have a bad day doesn’t mean we have to head back to the psychic  ward. This too shall pass!

There is one thing I’ve learned  and that is people are watching. Now that can add extra stress to your day but it’s best to concentrate on your own well being and not get caught up in what others think or say. It’s only you that knows what’s going on, on the inside. Too bad we can’t wear our illness on our foreheads, that way people would not have to surmise how you are feeling. As with  other illnesses, you can visually see how that person is doing but dangerously with mental  illness; you cannot see, everything may look fine on the outside.

Yes, I have changed, but that doesn’t mean I’m not the same person but in a different way. The illness itself as taken its toll on me both mentally and physically. But I live everyday with  what I have, some days good,other  days not so good. I work with what I have; strength/ weakness, positivity / negativity, courage / fear, whatever it may be ; I do it because I have to.

I now look at life in an whole new perspective . I don’t take one second for granted. Life is so unpredictable, tragedy or sickness can change your life without a moments notice. What we choose to do with it can make all the difference. It can make us bitter or better. I strive everyday to be that better person.

Change is a part of life. And yes I have changed and I hope you can accept that change in me. I’m trying to be the best of my ability to  be the best person I can be with what I have. Take me for who I am at this moment, for the people that have been with me through this change, please remember; we have all changed. Embrace the change and go with it. It’s not a bad thing! Change is inevitable in all of us!