Tag: pain

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MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

This is the written copy of my presentation I did at the CBS Salvation Army Church on Sunday, May 5, 2024.

My name is Harris Tucker and I have a mental illness! Yes I said it, I have a mental illness. It’s a topic that is seldom talked about. For many reasons; it is highly stigmatized, very much misunderstood, discriminatory, ignorance as in not knowing, shameful and isolating. So therefore people with mental illness, suffer in silence. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have and I will talk about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing.

 

My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at: www.harrislisa72.com, where I frequently blog my journey. And also my book; Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime of Mental Illness. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my diagnosis, my life and my experience with, “Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder”.

 

I would like to read to you, ‘A Note From The Author’, contained in my book backgrounder:

“Beyond the Door” is a book like none other you will ever read. It leads you through my lifetime with mental illness, and a relapse that rendered me nothing less then a walking corpse; a body without a mind. After several years of medical help, I finally fought my way back to a somewhat functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog.It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. Nothing was hidden, nothing! If this book doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more. It will stir within you a desire to know more – more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

My book is available tonight in the foyer or online at: Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Book Depository and Amazon Kindle.

 

Let me begin by saying, I am not a doctor,psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist; nor am I a professional in the field of psychiatry. What I am, is someone who has suffered from a mental illness all my life. My struggle with mental health began when I was just a child. I didn’t know then, but what I was struggling with was a mental illness. My lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge, and hands on life experience, that I would have never learned or gained otherwise; I had lived it and still do to this day. And so, I am someone who ‘gets it’; I understand, I’ve been there. I have survived this horrific disease and I am willing to share my journey with you. To help you better understand this illness, to educate, and by doing so, to tear down the walls of stigma that surround it.

 

The brain is said to be one of the most complex organs of the body and the disorders associated with it are equally as complex. And that is why mental illness is so misunderstood and so stigmatized. It certainly ‘is not’ a choice as some may think. The medical field and the scientific community have yet to come to a universal agreement on the nature and cause of depression. But the general consensus is that depression is a medical condition, an illness; not a personal failure, a weakness or a spiritual battle, as many may still think today.

 

Let me explain in a nutshell what I have come to understand about my illness. Our brain chemicals, or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain good mental health. The neurotransmitters, that affect how we feel, are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much, or not enough, of these chemicals then our mental well being is greatly affected and thus, we suffer depression and other mental disorders. A great comparison to help us understand this disorder is to compare it to diabetes. When a person suffers from diabetes, it often means that their pancreas is not producing enough insulin to regulate their blood sugar levels, and therefore, have to take insulin to regulate normal sugar levels. Likewise, someone suffering from depression may need to take medication, such as SSRIs, to increase serotonin levels in the brain. When we are educated to what a mental illness is, then it leaves no room for stigmatization or misunderstanding. It is what it is; an illness!

 

Before I share my personal journey with my own mental illness, let me share with you some very alarming statistics, according to Global Mental Health Statistics.

  1. 970 million people around the world struggle with some form of mental illness.
  2. 1 in 4 people will be affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives. So please do not think you will never be affected, or someone you love. Its much like saying, you will never get cancer. No one is exempt! And because you are a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t suffer from depression and other mental disorders.
  3. Approximately 8 million deaths each year are attributed to mental disorders.
  4. More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year worldwide.

 

Now let’s bring that home to Canada.

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association:

  1. Mental illness indirectly affects ALL Canadians at some time; either through their own experience, or that of a family member, friend or colleague.
  2. 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental health problem or illness.
  3. Every year, approximately 4500 people in Canada die by suicide, which is equivalent to 12 people dying by suicide every day.
  4. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between 15-34 years of age.

 

In our own province of NL suicide numbers are up by 25% in 2021, according to numbers from the province’s Chief Medical Exhaminer. NL suicide rates have tripled since the 1980’s, among the highest in Canada.

Sad to say, but the suicide rate is increasing every day and will continue to increase. One alarming fact about mental illness is that many turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain; this only adds to the problem; it does not solve it. And this, in turn, only exacerbates the drug and alcohol crisis that we are facing today.

 

And I Begin….

MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

My whole life has been plagued with a mental illness.I cannot remember, in my adult life, not being prescribed an antidepressant medication. You see, I experienced my first mental breakdown when I was just sixteen years of age. At that time there was no help, medication was not approved for anyone under the age of 18. So, I was sent home by my doctor to battle this monster, and survive was all I could do. I wasn’t living, I was existing, I was surviving. This continued until I was eighteen and then I was prescribed antidepressants which helped to bring me back to a functioning level. Medication does work; it may not be a cure, but it surely helped me to navigate through life. The years that lay ahead were not easy years, but I did live a high functioning life and operated my own business for 28 years. I basically lived a fairly normal life, while struggling with depression and anxiety but both were managed by medication, and kept me fairly well.

 

I went on to marry the love of my life, Lisa. And then 13 years later, we were blessed with our little boy, Logan. However, this didn’t mean my illness was gone. In 2012, when Logan was one year old, I experienced a mental breakdown like I had never experienced before. I was so mentally ill, my depression and anxiety was so severe, that I physically shut down. And this is what I want to emphasize; that depression is not just about being sad, anxiety is not just about being anxious.Mental illness affects every area of your life – both mentally and physically. I feel sometimes we have the tendency to minimize the extreme seriousness of this illness. When in fact this illness is the only illness known to man that one of it’s symptoms has the ability to take away your will to live. No other illness as that power! So if you remember nothing else I said tonight, please remember that!

 

At the acute stage of my illness I became totally non-functioning. I had a disability; not a physical one where I was confined to a wheelchair, but a mental one, locked inside my head.I don’t remember much about those days. I had lost a lot of my memory, to a point where I was monitored for dementia. Tasks that once came so easily were now impossible to do. I couldn’t use a cell phone; a computer was a foreign object, something that I feared. I would stand at the kitchen sink and not know how to wash the dishes. In fact, it got so bad, at one point, that I didn’t know how to zipper my coat. Lisa described me as a ‘walking corpse’; a mind in constant torment. THIS IS MENTAL ILLNESS!!

 

Many times, I felt there was no hope, no help and no way back; just a black hole. The medical profession had tried everything possible, from: cocktails of medication to electro convulsive therapy. Up to this point, I was deemed treatment resistant, as nothing was working! When someone reaches this point, and I was there, totally hopeless and ‘unable to reason’, that many often feel that the only way to end the pain, and free their love ones of their burden, is to hope for peace through suicide. It is not our place to judge, for only God has that right and only God knows our hearts, our innermost thoughts. Thankfully, I was never suicidal; borderline, yes. I’ve had many days, when I was so sick, that I just wanted to die, to escape this hellish existence. I prayed to God to let me die. I know of one occasion when Pastor White came to visit, and he told me after the fact, that when he left my house on this particular day; he said, ‘If God did not intervene, then next week I will be performing Harris’s funeral!’ But that wasn’t God’s plan for me! I’m still here!

 

Even in my despair, God continued to bless us. Our precious Lauren was born amid all this chaos and turmoil, only to be diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy on the day of her first birthday. You talk about the bottom falling out of our already shattered world. Again we were faced with yet another life-altering diagnosis. God, where are you? God, why? So many questions, so few answers. This is where my faith had to come into play, but at times, my faith was very small. Every day brought new challenges, as in my weakness, I tried to help strengthen our little girl and be a good Daddy to both Logan and Lauren. All day, everyday, I pushed myself to the limit. Normal everyday tasks, that came naturally to others, seemed insurmountable to me. But, I would not give up, so fight I did!

 

And, to this day I still struggle through every day; maybe not at the intensity of which I did but, I still struggle. We must realize that our brain is no different than any other organ in our body. I am no different than someone with diabetes hypertension, liver disease, heart disease, etc. Things can go wrong with the brain, just like something can go wrong with the heart. Miraculously, I have come so far, but my battle is far from over. I speak for all those who struggle with this disease. I intend to speak for those who don’t have a voice, as well as those who have succumbed to their battle with this illness. Every morning, I have to pray and ask God to see me through the day and , thankfully, He has been faithful!

 

When you suffer from a mental illness it is so easy to lose hope; in fact, to become totally hopeless, to be engulfed by darkness. So how can we help as a Church? What is our responsibility as a born again Christian? It certainly isn’t to pretend that mental illness doesn’t exist. Jesus has called us to be ‘Our Brother’s Keeper’, to be the Good Samaritan to someone else in need; to that someone that is struggling today.

 

We live in a hurting world, a world that’s filled with so much hate. A world that’s searching for something to fill that void, that emptiness. I have come to realize that, that space within us cannot be filled with anything that this world can offer; its empty lies.The only answer is a spiritual one, a supernatural power, that can only be found in Jesus and Jesus alone! We cannot do this on our own. I would never have been able to survive this battlefield of the mind, if it weren’t for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ!He understood me when no one else did. John 10:10 says, I am come that you may have life and have it more abundantly’. 2 Kings 20:5 ‘I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears’. I’ll be completely honest; I won’t give you false hope. I won’t tell you to bring it to Jesus and all your hurts, pain, sickness will go away. He can make that happen, but sometimes that’s not part of His plan; it’s not His will. What He does promise, is that no matter what, He will never leave us. Hebrews 13:5 ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’He will walk with us and, at times, He will carry us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, ‘When you pass through the waters (and you will), I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.’ And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life. I have always known that He was with me; I may not have always felt He was with me, but I knew beyond a doubt that He was and is with me! Because of this, I can say, with confidence, that He will do the same for you! There is HOPE!

 

What is your story?

 

 

 

 

 

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Where Is God In All This Suffering?

Ever since our return from Montreal, after Lauren’s surgery, I have experienced an overwhelming sense of depression that I can’t seem to shake. Depression is so disabling, so cruel, so unexplainable, so isolating. But yet I have suffered so many years with this crippling disorder. So often I have asked the question. “Where is God in all this suffering?” In this blog I’d like to answer this question to the best of my ability, to try and make sense to suffering. Especially when it comes to such a loving God.

To begin with I need to clarify that I don’t have the answer, not really, I can’t speak for God; God is all knowing, He is omniscient. Who am I? I am mortal – I am subject to death. I am not equal to God, God is sovereign; He is supreme, He has power over all things. Isaiah 55:8-9 sums it up best, “For  my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Therefore I can only speak about what my own thoughts and experiences are when it comes to this subject.

With my own illness I could never understand what good could come of this. It done more harm than good from what I could see. And then there was so much in this world that I couldn’t understand. For example, world hunger, wars, earthquakes, floods, poverty, homelessness, cancer, disease, suicide, the loss of a child, the death of a spouse and the list could go on. Was God the blame or the answer to all of this chaos and unfairness? I think we need to remember that we live in a fallen world, and we experience the effects of the fall. One of those effects is injustice and seemingly senseless suffering and unfairness. But as Christians we know that in this life we will have suffering and experience pain. John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.” But also we must remember that this life is not the end but the beginning of everlasting life for those who believe. Revelation 21;4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’

Sometimes I just have to remember that I don’t always have to know the why to my suffering. Sometimes I just have to trust and let God do the rest. Romans 8:18&28, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him.”

There is one thing I have learned in all this suffering is that it has allowed me to help others who are experiencing similar situations. 2 Corinthians 1;3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles/’sufferings’, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

I hope I have in some small way helped you to better understand why we sometimes suffer and experience loss. God definitely comforts us in our pain, suffering and loss. Hebrews 4:15 “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Again God says in 2 Kings 20:5 “I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears.” So when we are in the midst of despair, grief, pain and loneliness; God sees us, God hears us, God loves us!

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I’m A Christian And I Suffer From A Mental Illness

I’m a Christian and I suffer from a mental illness. Many would say, ‘but how can that be?’ Aren’t Christians suppose to have it all together when it comes to their mental health? No they are not, there are no exemptions, just as we suffer from physical illnesses, we also may suffer from mental illness. We need to realize that mental illness is NOT a spiritual battle but an ILLNESS. And once we come to this knowledge we break down the walls of stigma, judgment and condemnation; which so prevalently surround someone who suffers from mental illness and who profess to be a Christian. We can live a Christian life and yet suffer from a mental illness. I am testimony to that fact. And I am not ashamed to admit that I still suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder.

Because I have something wrong mentally does not mean it affects me spiritually, no more than there would be something wrong spiritually if I had heart disease. To the contrary really; because of my suffering I depend on an higher power to strengthen me and guide me through each day. I have come to realize that there are things in my life that I cannot control and it is those things that I release and surrender to God. I realize that not all our sickness, whether mentally or physically, are healed. He did NOT promise us a life without trials and tribulation. But He DID promise that when we do, that He would be by our side, He would be in the storm with us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, “When you pass through the waters (and we will), I WILL BE WITH YOU; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” He’s saying that when we pass through the waters, the rivers and walk through the fire; that He will be with us. And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life; He has walked with me, every step of the way. Even in those times when I felt I was drowning in the floods of depression and felt that God was nowhere to be found; He was and is still there!

Many would also say, “but doesn’t the bible say in Philippians 4:6, Be anxious for nothing…” Yes it surely does say that. But anxiety disorder is completely different from everyday anxiousness. Most anxiety disorders can cause such distress that it interferes with our ability to lead a normal life. This type of disorder is a serious mental illness which can be disabling. Anxiety disorders include panic attacks, social anxiety, phobias and generalized anxiousness. If we as Christians could see this again as an illness, then there would be no need for us to feel guilty or ashamed and want to hide our illness but would talk about it openly and without judgment.

But sadly, even in 2023, many Christians hide their illness and the way they are truly feeling for fear of being misjudged, stigmatized and treated as being ‘different’. When in reality we are normal, ordinary people who are suffering and hurting from a mental illness. If you are one of those Christians who are suffering in silence, be assured that you are loved, understood and cared for by an Heavenly Father who is ‘touched by the feelings of our infirmities’. He will never leave us or forsake us!

In conclusion I would like to quote an excerpt from my book, “Beyond The Door – A Journey Through A Lifetime Of Mental Illness.” (Available on Amazon.ca). “For centuries, the Church has often looked upon mental illness as a spiritual battle; good vs. evil. It is not a character flaw, a weakness, a lack of faith, or an unworthy relationship with God.” It is what it is, in reality, mental illness is just that, an “ILLNESS”. And yes I am a Christian and I also have a mental illness!

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2020; A Year We Would Not Soon Forget

January 20, 2017 was my first post to my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. Life & Times Of  “The Tuckers”. ‘Living with severe depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine’. A form of therapy that brought me through many very dark days. And here I am, January 2, 2021; posting again. Never in my life did I think this blog would last for years and would eventually be published into a book. And may I go further and say, books (two at the least). I can always dream; dreams do come true. This, I feel, will be a cause to pause from writing about my illness. As therapeutic as blogging has been for me, it has also been exhausting and draining; I’ve been misunderstood, stigmatized, traumatized and ridiculed. But that came with no surprise to me; it’s what having a mental illness does to a person. But I still had to write the truth, no matter what. What was meant to start out as therapy for myself, also became a means to help others, through my own experiences with a mental illness. I learned that, much like everything in life, we cannot change the world; nor did I think I could. But I did think I could help one person at a time. And if that meant putting my heart and soul into my writing (raw & honest) then I was willing to do so.  If it meant helping someone else, to save one life, then I was successful in what I set out to do.

In 2012, I had my last relapse, and was told by my doctor that I would not be going back to work; if ever. And here I am in 2021, still fighting my disabling, crippling, tormenting illness; an illness that has left me fighting for that one ‘good day’. But inside this physical body a war is still raging against my mental health. Over the past few years, life has introduced many triggers, many uphill climbs, many times when I just had to crawl. But I fight with what I have and there are times when that may not be much. But I fight!

When I look back over the past year, and wonder how I survived, I really am in awe that I am doing as well as I am. The year was filled with much sadness, loss, sickness, discouragement and I could go on, but what amazes me the most, is that we are still fighting; fighting against all odds.

When Lauren was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy in 2014, we knew we were going to encounter many challenges and obstacles; but we had no idea just how many; it was one thing after another, there was no end. We were told, when she was around one year old, that her vision was affected, they just couldn’t tell us just how much she was seeing. Being the naïve parents we were, we just  thought,  when she gets a little older she’ll just need glasses and that’ll take care of her vision. We were so wrong again.  When she was referred to the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind), we were literary in shock. We realized then that Lauren’s vision was not going to be corrected with a pair of glasses. My God, how were we going to get through this? How were we going to accept this? Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Then she was referred to APSEA (Atlantic Provinces Education Authority) in March 2020. Their findings were what led to her being diagnosed with CVI (Cortical Visual Impairment). This has more to do with how the brain is interpreting what the eye is seeing. There is no cure per se. With intervention, improvement is possible, but not a lot of hope, in my opinion.

The year, 2020, began with Lisa’s surgery on March 16. This surgery was supposedly a routine surgery that would only require an overnight stay in the hospital. However, due to complications resulting from the surgery, Lisa was rushed back into the OR for emergency , life-saving surgery on March 17. This surgery resulted in  her being put in ICU on a ventilator, fighting for her life.

And if that weren’t  bad enough, the hospital was now on lockdown due to the worldwide pandemic of the Covid19 virus. Lisa had to experience this all alone because there were no visitors allowed in the hospital;  not even her distraught husband. You talk about an hell on earth, and that was exactly what we were experiencing. Lisa stayed in the hospital for eight days. Once released, we thought we were on the road to recovery; so we thought. To make a long story short, within five months Lisa was back in the hospital from August 23- September 3, due to more complications from that first surgery back in March 16, 2020; a nightmare for us all, especially our two children, Logan & Lauren.

Then, once Lisa was back home and settled in again, she had to find the courage to tell me that my sweet niece, Tonya, had suddenly passed away. Shock, grief and bereavement totally shot me down! The feeling of disbelief consumed my mind. How could this be? She was so young! Our whole family was lost in a sea of grief. A part of all of us was missing; that piece of your heart that you hold close to you, had now gone to Heaven.

It seemed like the year could not get any worse, but the pandemic was sweeping the world! Schools were closed for the remainder of the school year. Lisa was pretty much out of commission; what was supposed to initially be a six week recovery period, ended up to be a full year for recovery. And, here we were with a child that had CP, requiring 24/7 care; care that we had to provide on our own.  All the while, we continued to try to give our nine year old little boy as normal a life as possible.  In spite of it all, he was a trooper and we are so proud of him.

I had to believe that God was in the midst of all this chaos, because this was something we could not handle in our human strength. I prayed for God’s strength, comfort and protection to make it through these most trying times. He was and is faithful!                                                                                                                         

 

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The Seasons Come And Go

Winter as finally passed and Spring is so desperately trying to unfold. With Spring comes that feeling of new life, new beginnings, fresh hope and a warmth that inspires the soul. The cold, chilly winter season as reluctantly become another memory in time. Much as happened; good and bad. But yet we have survived another season; another season of life.

I can’t honestly say that the past several months hasn’t come without it’s tough times. It’s been rough on all of us, to say our life is simple, would be an understatement. Living with mental illness and cerebral palsy would be enough to send any family’s life into a whirlwind. And lots of days that’s what it feels like; you are living in a whirlwind. Where life is spinning out of control and you’re fighting to hold the pieces together. Some days you may feel like you’re winning and other days like you are loosing the fight.

With my mental illness, I must say it’s still an everyday struggle but most days now, I feel it’s a struggle that I am winning. I guess it’s like someone who has diabetes, they still have it but they have it under control. And for me with my depression and anxiety, I feel on most days I have it under control.  But each day still requires a lot of self talk, keeping my thoughts from becoming distorted and unrealistic, trying to keep life as ‘normal’ as possible and live in the moment. Is this easy to do? No, not at all but if I am going to beat this living hell, then this is what I have to do on a daily bases, if I am going to survive; I can never let my guard down. And maybe with this new season of Spring may come new life, new hope and new beginnings for all of us.

Lauren has certainly had her share of pain, hurt and uncertainties. The cold winter months have found her spending most of it in bed, recovering from two major hip surgeries, that can only be described as horrific. No child should have to suffer what this child as endured and will still have to endure in the months to come. Her first hip surgery was performed in May 2018, the second was done September 2018. It’s now April 2019 and it’s only now that I can say that she is bouncing back from her ordeals. She as missed majority of her school year in kindergarten. We are now in the process of gradually introducing her back into the school setting, which as to be done slowly, cautiously and at her own pace, due to her high levels of anxiety. But she is doing fairly well and her school as been so accommodating during this transition period and for that we are so thankful.

Life for us as parents of a disabled child will never be the same again. And I don’t say that in a selfish way but in a realistic way. I know that the only parents that will truly understand what I mean; are parents that are privileged to have a disabled child. Lauren may be six years of age but right now we still have a six year old baby. We do the exact same things for her now as when she was a baby. Except now it’s harder because she as grown to be a big girl, who requires constant lifting. And the 24/7 care doesn’t end and doesn’t get any easier.

I believe that life for all of us at this season of Lauren’s life is a little tougher. Lauren is so aware, so intelligent and so full of questions; questions that we don’t always know how to answer. For instance, yesterday we were going outside and out of nowhere she asked, “Daddy why do I have to be in a wheelchair?” I’m sorry but I wish that no child would ever have to ask that question. She’s realizing now, more then ever, especially since she’s gone back to school; that not all kid’s are in wheelchairs. So she’s wondering and asking, why am I in a wheelchair? It was only recently she asked Lisa, “Mommy, when you were a little girl, were you in a wheelchair?” How can we live without having a broken heart? There will always be moments like these when our hearts are torn from our bodies. And just one more heart wrenching moment, when she asked me while we were just lying in her bed, “Daddy did you see me when I done a cartwheel?” And I lied and said, “Yes my angel and that was the best cartwheel I have ever seen in my life”.

Nature may have four distinct seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. All of which will come and go at it’s own designated times. Much like the seasons of life. Right now I am at a different season in my mental health then I was last year at this time. And right now Lauren is at a different season of her cerebral palsy and we have discovered that those seasons are forever evolving and changing. We just have to learn to adjust to each individual season and to learn to find warmth in the coldness, sunshine in the rain, new life amidst the dying dreams. Healing and hope when the season as gone.

 

 

 

 

 

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Lord Help Us To Believe

Lauren asked Mommy, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Wow, how do you answer that truthfully? What we want and what we pray for isn’t always what we get. Sometimes God’s way isn’t our way. Our timing sometimes is way off, we expect answers right away, but I believe that’s not the way it always works. And trusting God when your five years old little girl is in pain and can’t walk is very hard to understand and accept.

You see, Lauren as been in bed now for months, she is gradually improving but very slowly. She is so intelligent and because she is, there is nothing she doesn’t analyze. Therefore after all this time she as spent in bed and having so much pain and discomfort, she’s starting to question God. Everyone keeps telling her that Jesus is going to make her better. So she, being no different then ourselves, asks the question, ‘Mommy are you sure Jesus is going to make me better?’ Are we giving her false hope and unrealistic goals? Is she beginning to realize that I’ve been in pain and discomfort for so long and Jesus hasn’t made me better? Maybe He never will, maybe this is her life.

And I’m beginning to believe that maybe what we are telling her isn’t what God wants at all. It’s what we want and oh we want it so desperately. There is nothing I would want more then for her pain to end and she could just get up and walk. But is this what God wants? I don’t know, my thoughts are not God’s thoughts. I am trying so hard to believe and trust, when things aren’t looking that great. I believe that miracles can still happen and that God is our greatest option. But the reality is we are tired, worn down, worried, anxious and helpless. There are days when we feel we are sinking, our ship is going down, when we have no other alternative but to keep looking for that light, that beam of hope, it’s there somewhere, still shining; but the fog is so thick with life’s trials and tribulations that it’s so hard to see. We need a miracle, if not for healing, then for strength, hope and wisdom to endure, to overcome, to do what we have to do.

A family cannot experience what we are and it not affect the whole family unit. It’s tough on all of us and we struggle to keep us together. All four of us have experienced so much trauma in our lives, so much unforeseen change, that some days it’s near impossible just to focus on getting through that day. But we try to take it one day at a time and that’s not easy when the decisions you make today, could drastically affect tomorrow. We have to believe that there is someone greater, an higher power that is watching over us. Lord help us to believe.

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My Will To Live

Imagine a disease that destroys your will to live. You could say there are many diseases that can do that, especially chronic disease and during the late stages of a disease such as cancer, aids, lugarettes disease, etc. Many at this late stage of their disease have no quality of life, constant pain and torment, agony and no possibility of ever recovering; do get to the point of just wanting to die.

But I want to talk about something a little different, a disease which once you get it, you start loosing your will to live. In fact one of the symptoms of the disease is , loosing your will to live. As devastating as all other diseases are, neither have loosing your will to live, has a symptom. But the disease I am referring to is clinical depression; the inability to want to live or the will to live is one of the main symptoms of this disease.

Clinical depression is the more- severe form of depression, also known as major depression or major depressive disorder. It isn’t the same as depression caused by a loss, such as the death of a loved one, or a medical condition, such as a thyroid disorder. It’s a change that takes place within the brain, having to do with certain mood- regulating chemicals called neurotransmitters that do not work properly. Environmental factors may trigger clinical depression but are not the cause.

Loosing the will to live is not a normal human reaction; we were born to live, it’s our natural instinct to survive. But to loose that will has to be an illness, a sickness, an abnormal reaction to a brain that is broken. And I know this because I live this! There are days when my will to live is questionable. That doesn’t mean I’m suicidal but my illness is so overwhelming at times that my will to live is diminishing. I am so tired and frustrated that I sometimes loose that will to live.

You may say, ‘ but you have so much to live for and you could list them off. But I don’t hear you and my illness as somewhat distorted my thinking and my mind as already decided what I believe. But  I cannot give up there, if I did I would die. I have to realize that this is my illness talking; not me. I know I have so much to live for and eventually this torment will pass. I just have to hang in there and fight for my will to live.

This was one blog I did not want to publish. It is a topic that is so private and personal but by not sharing it would serve no purpose. But if I did tell it like it is, then I would help someone who as lost their will to live and maybe show them that we can regain that will to live with time and endurance. Never give up. God loves you and so do I. This illness may have stolen so much from us and at times made our lives unbearable, we will survive! I have to believe that by faith because in my human strength I see no way. And some days, that’s what I’m doing; surviving! But I want to do so much more then survive, I want to LIVE!

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I’m ANGRY!

Anger isn’t an emotion that I like to feel. But I’m human and today I’m angry. I’m not angry at God, He is the one and only person that I know I can pour my heart out to and He understands. So no, I’m not angry at God; He’s my Rock, my burden bearer, my healer, my friend.

So often we have the tendency to blame God for anything that goes wrong or is wrong in the world. I’m guilty of doing that myself but this morning I realized that He is not to blame for what’s going wrong but is to be praised for what is going right and know that He is with us when things aren’t going so well. And sometimes He even allows these things to happen to make us stronger. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”….”For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Lots of times we feel guilty when we become angry because “Christians” shouldn’t feel that way. Well we do feel that way sometimes and that’s okay. Jesus became angry on several occasions;  In Matthew 21:12-13, He became angry at those who were exchanging money at the Temple. In Mark 3:5 “He looked around at them with anger”. Jesus was angry at times, yet did not sin, Hebrews 4:15. And likewise, believers in Christ are taught, “Be angry and do not sin” Ephesians 4:26. While anger is often viewed as a completely negative emotion, there are times a person can be angry for appropriate reasons. In Jesus case, His anger was the result of ungodly attitudes and actions by those around Him.

So today I feel my anger is totally justified for good. I guess you could say I’m angry at “the System”, medical that is. You see, Lauren was scheduled for hip surgery on March 12th; much to our dismay it was cancelled, no explanation, no rescheduled appointment, nothing. Now here is a four years old little girl going around with “two” dislocated hips, in pain; totally inhumane in my opinion. After several calm and polite phone calls to inquire about a rescheduled surgery date, we were given nothing. So on April 30th (now a month and an half as gone by) I decided I’ve had enough and we have to get a date to get this surgery done.

I introduced myself to the secretary on the phone, and stated my case and said if I hadn’t heard back from her doctor by the evening, I would take my story to the NTV News. Now up to this point she could not tell me when or if Lauren was going to get this surgery done. Yet here was Lauren still going around with two dislocated hips, had to take her out of swimming because it hurt too much, couldn’t do physio therapy anymore, couldn’t sit crisscross and in pain.

Maybe ten minutes later my phone rang, her doctor was on the other end with an appointment for May 16th. Now if I didn’t get angry, would we have gotten that appointment? I think not! Ten minutes before and the appointment secretary didn’t have one. i’m sure they won’t be rolling out the red carpet for me at the Janeway, anytime soon. But I’m not trying to win any popularity contest with them, I’m trying to get the best healthcare for our child who deserves nothing less but the best. And right now I feel she’s not getting that and I will not give up without a fight. Although this may exhaust me of every ounce of strength that I have, I will not give up! You Go Lauren!

So Lauren, when the Janeway may have given up; Mommy and Daddy haven’t and will never. And remember the Great Physician has the last word! Matthew 19:14 “But Jesus said, suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of Heaven.”

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Where Did My ‘Normal’ Go?

For those of you who live a ‘normal’ life (and I say that a little sarcastically); I envy you! I would love just to feel ‘normal’ again. Just to be able to live life without an overwhelming since of despair. I remember what ‘normal’ felt like; I would jump out of bed (no thought, just jump), coffee tasted different, the sun was brighter, the clouds were gone, simple tasks I could do and not even have to think about it. But when you have a mental illness, nothing seems ‘normal’ anymore. Every tasks fills you with panic and fear; you have no strength left to do the things you once so much enjoyed, now they’ve become a burden. Things  that once brought you enjoyment bring emptiness. I fight everyday to bring back that ‘normal’. Where did it go? By ‘normal’ I don’t mean perfect, just free to live life with some enjoyment.

This horrifying illness as stolen my ‘normal’, my life, my will to go on at times.But yet there’s nothing I want more then just live. I have so much to live for but my depression consumes my life and leaves me with very little strength left to fight. And when you are exhausted and tired of living this existence; your patience is gone, your will to keep fighting is gone, your will to live is gone, your ability to be ‘normal’ is gone.

But how do I get it back? How do I go on? Especially when you have fought for so long to get your ‘normal’ back. I have to believe in myself that tomorrow is going to be better, never give up hope. Hope is the greatest antidepressant, without it I would not survive. Also my faith in God, even when God feels so far away, I know He is walking beside me and I’m sure some days He’s carrying me. Then there are days when I feel like Jesus did when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He said.’My God why have you forsaken me’. There are times when I feel all alone. In an overpopulated world, in an overcrowded room; I still feel alone.

The part of this illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) that isolates me the most is that, for the most part, majority of people do not understand this illness. And I’m not blaming them, it’s just the way it is. I hope my writings have opened their eyes, minds, and hearts. May they realize this is not an illness of choice; but an illness of pain and suffering. But because they can’t see the pain and suffering doesn’t mean it’s not there. Support for many sufferers is definitely a big issue. Many are ashamed and afraid to ask for help from family and friends; afraid that they will be judged, stigmatized and misunderstood. And sadly to say, many people still don’t ‘get it’. Asking for help from the medical field is often not what we expected (I’ll save that for another blog).

So, yes I long to find my ‘normal’ again, I really miss it. But for now I’ll try to keep my head above water. When I say, ‘normal’, I use that word very loosely because there is no such thing as normal. It’s like using the word ‘perfect’, nothing is ‘perfect’. Let’s just say a somewhat healthy, functioning life would be nice. And to have a support system that understands, sometimes that means just allowing you to not be okay but accepts that in you, not having all the answers but a shoulder to lean on. Because sometimes what we need the most are not always words, but someone to just listen.

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“Tis The Season To Be Jolly”

For countless thousands around the world, those suffering from Depression, this season is not so jolly. When you suffer from depression, no amount of Christmas cheer can change how you feel  on the inside. The expectations, the hustle and bustle, the financial strain, etc. just exasperate the way you feel. Rather than making you feel better, it just adds “fuel to the fire”. And in the end; just makes you feel worse. Let me be honest and speak from my heart and give you some insight on what it feels like to suffer from depression in this most joyous season of the year. This is not being a pessimist but a realist.

I awaken this morning, with no time to decide on how I will feel; but instead I have this overwhelming, sad, empty, heavy urge to just cry. A grown, fifty-three (I mean 29) year old man who just wants to cry. What’s wrong with that? It’s certainly not “normal” and it’s certainly not the way I would choose to wake up. I just want this constant, tormenting illness to go away.There’s nothing I want more than  to enjoy life, not endure it. If I’m bringing you “down” please click the delete button.

Some of you are reading this and you have never experienced what I’m talking about, well good for you, I’m happy for you! The only time you have ever felt sad was when you lost a loved one (and for good reason), something tragic or devastating happened or some alarming trigger.. But for someone suffering from clinical depression, your life experiences have little to do with the way you feel. You suffer from an illness, like all illness (whether physical or mental) ;  you can’t wish it away, command it away, you can’t deny it away. All the positive thinking in the world will not change the way you feel deep down inside, a place where no one else can see. It is what it is; an illness.

But for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about and I know you are out there. You may not be as open about talking about your illness as I am but that’s okay but just make sure you talk to someone. Don’t try to handle this by yourself; it can’t be done. Talk to someone. And don’t ever feel you are the only one that feels this way. It’s one of the world’s best kept secrets. And that is why we have such a drug, alcohol and suicide epidemic on our hands that will only get worse. People are afraid to talk about the way they are feeling due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness. When you suffer from this illness you will try anything to numb the pain, to relieve the hurt; I know because I have been there and still struggle today.

I know what it is to think that your family would be better off without you. You would improve their life if you weren’t in it. You could end this suffering and escape the pain and torment, once and for all. But don’t believe that lie, the pain will subside, you will improve. You just have to realize that with this illness, some days are going to be really rough. But you will have good days again. I have been suffering for over five years now, things have gotten better. Today is a really rough day but you see, this too shall pass. I cannot loose hope and neither can you.

We will beat this; one day, one hour,  one minute at a time. And remember you are loved; God loves you and so do I. Life is worth living, In spite of our illness. Don’t  put too much pressure on yourself; it’s okay, not to feel okay. There’s no one that feels okay all the time, no one is exempt. So chin up, shoulders back; “Tis the Season to be Jolly”. We can do this!