Tag: Mental illness

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SUICIDE

                                                         The most hushed word in the English language, I believe, is the word; SUICIDE! Why are we has a Society so afraid to discuss or even speak the word? It’s almost looked upon has a curse word, a bad word, even when spoken it should be whispered. But after reading this blog I hope our thinking, understanding and compassion toward suicide will take on an whole new perspective and we will see it in an whole new light.

Suicide brings up many questions but few answers. It is my intention to give some of my insight, my opinions into this silent killer. It is my hope that through this blog I may encourage someone that is contemplating suicide to think twice, give yourself another chance, you are worth it, there is hope, someone will listen if you would just reach out.

I have to admit this is not easy for me to do. I would rather not talk about it either, if I had a choice, but what good would that do? My whole purpose in blogging is to help others who are surrounded by this darkness and torment; therefore I have to speak out. It’s our only hope of finding the light and making the sun to shine again.  I remember so vividly when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when there was no hope in sight; all I wanted to do was die and end this hellish existence for everyone concerned.

“Committed Suicide”! Committed brings to mind something bad someone did willfully. It is not my belief that someone who dies of suicide does so willfully. As defined by Google, the word, ‘commit’ means ‘to perpetrate or carry out a mistake, crime or immortal act. You ‘commit’ a crime. Therefore this is a term I try not to use when referring to suicide. Rather than say, ‘someone committed suicide’, it’s more appropriate to say, ‘died from suicide’. Someone who died from suicide did not willfully choose to take their life; if they felt they had a choice they  would choose life. They have reached the point where nothing makes sense anymore. Having no life at all is better than the life they have. Your distorted thinking convinces you; your life is worthless and everyone would be better off without you. You are so exhausted from fighting this battlefield in your mind, that you just can’t fight anymore. When my Dad was dying, some of his last words were, ‘I just want peace’. Dad found that peace from his fight with cancer and is now at rest; no more fighting. The same is true for someone fighting a mental illness, they just want peace. Your voice of reason is gone.

                                                        You may be asking, ” why would you want to talk about suicide so openly and publicly?” And I would ask, ‘Why not?” This is one of the most alarming epidemics facing our society today. And you want me to be quiet about it? I don’t think so! God is at work here! The statistics speak for themselves. “In 2009 there were 3,890 suicides in Canada”. According to the World Health Organization, “Close to 800,000 people die to suicide every year. That works out to be around one person every 40 seconds”.’ In 2015 there were an estimated 788,000 suicide deaths worldwide’. In 2017 this statistic is growing at an alarming rate and will only keep growing. And that is why we have such an alarming drug and alcohol abuse problem in our society today. People will turn to anything to dumb the pain. They are afraid to talk about the way they are really feeling, due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness; forces many to suffer in silence. And to that person who is suffering in silence, I would say, ‘you are not alone’. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will get through this.

If you are someone who have lost a loved one through suicide; there are never going to be enough words for me to help you understand, to take away the pain, to make sense of it all, to dry your tears or to help heal your broken heart. But let’s begin by saying, ‘this is not your fault, there is nothing that you could have done or didn’t do’. Your loved one was very, very ill and I believe something in their brain went terribly wrong and therefore at the point of ending there life; they felt no hope, no way of escape, they wanted to unburden their loved ones of the misery that their illness had brought to their family. Know now that they are finally at PEACE and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that forced them to do this. But rest assured they are now, FINALLY, at PEACE.

I believe that society has come  a long way, when it comes to the way people look at mental illness/suicide. The walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) have somewhat come down. But we still have a long way to go. If you are wondering, well what can I do? My answer would be to educate yourself on what mental illness is, have a better understanding, an open mind and to forget some of the myths, lies, primitive ideas that we have been raised to believe surrounding mental illness and suicide. For example, years ago suicide victims were automatically sent to hell and their bodies would not be buried in a consecrated Church cemetery but were buried on the outside. Now how primitive, self righteous, judgemental and disgraceful can a culture and society be, in order to do such a thing. May God forgive them “for they know not what they do.” Thankfully we have moved forward and have respect for all the deceased; for God is our eternal judge.

One of the best things we can do for someone who is contemplating suicide is to LISTEN.  Listen and show you care, reassure them that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes the best advice we can give, is as little as possible. Sometimes when we have all the right motives in mind and we mean well; we can say exactly what someone that is suicidal does not want to hear. So…listen, love, and never leave that person alone; be there for them. And suggest that maybe they visit a mental health professional or their family doctor, but never without their consent, no surprises. Just be there….

I believe with our limited mental health care in NL the church needs to play a role in helping victims and their families in dealing with suicide and mental illness. To begin that process the Church needs to make its stand on just what they believe concerning mental illness and especially suicide. But the church’s stand on suicide is certainly not clearly defined as of today. If it were it would certainly help in the grieving process for those who  have lost a loved one through suicide. Some Churches have taught that a suicide victim was/is automatically going to hell. It is my belief that it is not clearly stated in scripture the fate of a suicide victim, and therefore we are not in a place to make such a statement. I conclude therefore that the fate of any soul, whether death by suicide or death from any illness, can “only” be decided by God. As believers it is not our responsibility to play judge and jury. But instead, our calling is to bring comfort, mercy, and love to all those affected by suicide and leave the rest to God.

Today I consider myself an advocate for mental illness. I am not a medical professional, nor do I have all the answers but my lifetime with a mental illness has given me experience, wisdom and knowledge that I would have never obtained otherwise. I have insight into what this illness can do, how it affects the individual themselves,their families and their caregivers. This illness can destroy marriages, friendships, relationships and lives. It is my prayer that I could be used to help others , bring healing to the hurting and restoration to the broken. I am a vessel that’s broken, but daily I am putting the pieces back together and you can too.

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My Recovering Journey of Faith

I am a recovering mentally ill person; no I didn’t say I was a recovered mentally ill person.  Just like an alcoholic can never say, “I am recovered, but I am a recovering alcoholic”. I believe the same is true for someone who has a medically diagnosed mental disorder. I can never say I was fully recovered, yes there were times when I was fully, functioning, ‘normal’ person but my illness has been a lifetime journey. It’s almost like you go into remission, but for me, I had many relaspes throughout my lifetime. Some mild, some severe and some in between. But all a fighting battle.

This recovering journey is never linear.. What I mean by that is my symptoms and mood are never on a straight plain. It’s more like a roller coaster, there are many ups and downs, you are never on a level plain. Some days you could be doing fairly well and others you could be ready to jump out of your skin. Just last week my illness overwhelmed me with feelings of exhaustion and my brain was overcrowded with unwanted thoughts that I had no control over. But today I’m feeling a little more empowered and start my uphill climb once again.

This journey is rarely a walk in the park, it’s more like climbing Mount Everest. Some days you are weak has a rat and more days you feel like you can climb; one step at a time. But the encouraging thing is; you are moving, even if it is in baby steps. It’s like the saying, ‘You can eat an elephant, one mouthful at a time.’ And so you can climb this “Mountain of Depression and Anxiety”, one footstep at a time. If you are reading this and you are saying, ‘but I can’t do this anymore, I am just too exhausted.’ Trust me; “YOU CAN”! You are stronger then you think.

Where is my strength coming from, where is your strength going to come from? I remember when I had my last relapse; I searched for healing, my wellness, my escape from this hellish disease from without. I was searching for someone or something to “make” me better. But that never happened, I was at a dead end, I had tried EVERYTHING. But it wasn’t until I searched within myself that I found a strength that I didn’t know existed. But I still take it one day at a time, that’s all we have. Yesterday is gone (so don’t dwell on it) and we are not promised tomorrow (so don’t worry about it). Live in the moment, it’s what we have.

My treatment/therapy now consist of medication (which I know is crucial to my mental health), learning to accept my limitations (my new normal), having structure in my day (a routine), limiting stress as much as I can (sometimes that’s hard to do given my life circumstances), always having a ‘project’ (painting, cleaning, reading, singing, etc.) and one of my favorite of all is; writing my blogs (amazing therapy). All of these elements help me cope with each day and creates a sense of who I am. I am NOT my illness, there is so much more to me then my disorder; so I refuse to be defined by depression and anxiety.

After so many years of searching for the truth of who I really am; I believe I have finally found it. There is so much more to us and to me then this physical and mental body. There is a spiritual component that we have to tap into to find real strength, real courage, and the real you, the real me. And I believe this can only come from an omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful), and omnipresent (everywhere present) spiritual power. And there is only one person I know that possesses all three; God Our Father. He has been and still is my greatest source of strength and peace. On days when I was at my lowest, He was and is still my greatest source of stability, my rock, and my hope.

So you see, my recovering journey of faith, starts by placing my entire life into His hands. That’s hard to do because I thought I could do it on my own, what a joke that was. There are some things in life that we have no control over and have to be left with God, He is in control. So now I put my total trust and confidence in someone who is greater then I am. It sure takes a load off me and makes my journey a little easier.

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This Recovering Mental Illness

J                                                       The day is almost over, night settles in bringing with it it’s darkness. But the day was a beautiful day filled with sunshine and bitter coldness. The week itself felt like the Battle of Armageddon. Along with all the everyday battles and struggles, my war was raging on the inside. I’m not referring to a spiritual war; evil against good, but a war between sad and happy, abnormal and normal, unfulfilled and fulfilled, worthless and worthy, hopeless and hopeful. Where do I stop, when will it stop?

When my doctor told me, almost six years ago, that I had an incurable illness, a long uphill climb and the likelihood of returning to work was a long  way down the road. I thought he was nuts (no pun intended). He told me to apply for Canada Pension Disability. Why would I need to do that, I’ll be better in a couple of months? I guess I have to swallow my pride once again and  admit that he was right and I was way off base. Because after the week that I just endured, I realize this ugly disease still ravishes my mind and body and can attack at any moment; even after six years.

Trying to accept the reality of what is, overwhelms me like a raging tsunami. I feel like the Israelites who wandered in  the desert for forty years and not unlike the Israelites, I probably do my share of questioning, grumbling and complaining. Why God have you brought me into this desert to die? I am still searching for that purpose, that reason why I am where I am at this stage in my life. This is so far from my plans (our plans). I would have never said in a million years.

But who am I? Why not me? There are no respect of persons. It rains on the just and the unjust. I just feel there are holes in my umbrella and I’m soaking wet. I long for the rain to hold up and the sun to break through the clouds. His grace is sufficient for me, or is it? There are days I have my doubts but that’s not His fault. This road sure isn’t perfectly straight and flat but many are the twists, turns and pot holes. I just pray everyday that He’ll guide us over this road of life and one day will bring us safely to our destination.

I guess after suffering and fighting this illness for so long, when I still have bad days or weeks; still makes me nervous. I should be better by now, is my wishful thinking. But my illness was very serious and therefore more complex the recovery and that doesn’t happen overnight. I was hoping by now that my recovery would be more advanced, that I would be further along on my healing journey. But I have no control over what will be, I only hope for the best.

 

 

 

 

 

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Fate/Fear

One thing I can say about my blog writings is that I am honest and open about my mental health. Whether that being good or bad; whether that being what you want to read or not. I want to be truthful on how I am feeling; ‘the truth shall set you free’. That’s what this blog/website is all about, my journey through this horrible illness and to give my readers an honest insight into this debilitating disorder. I know that being open with you the reader, helps to free me of some of what I am feeling; I’m unleashing some of my innermost thoughts that can destroy me; a form of therapy. My writings are not a form of enthusiasm or self glory, but instead an outlet, a release, a form in which to unleash my thoughts. My mental illness is certainly not something to be enthusiastic about but it certainly has been an amazing instrument of healing. And certainly not something to bring glory to myself, that is why it as taken a lifetime for me to even talk about my illness because of the shame, embarrassment, indignity and worthlessness it as brought to my life. I won’t win any popularity contest but I will help others and that’s my goal.

Today I have to be honest; I wish I could say I’m feeling great, in reality compared to where I was, which was at a maximum intensity level, right now, this very day, I am at a moderate intensity level. I am still struggling with my depression and anxiety and although I try to live in the moment; my mind still, at times, travels to the darkness where fear is raging, that I could  relapse. And with all the stress and triggers that are in my life (that aren’t going away) I have that right to be fearful.  So today I’m taking that fear by the throat and squeezing the life out of it. I will and cannot live by fear, I am taking back the power, with God’s help. Despite my ugly, smothering triggers, I will rise above it. What choice do I have?  I will fight for my life and accept my fate.

What does that mean? Accept my fate. It means I will accept what I cannot control about my illness.  I saw this quote the other day, ‘ Accept your fate or your fate will destroy you”. Now that’s a big statement to make but I do see the truth in it. Acceptance for me was what put me on the path to healing. Fighting it all the time only exhausted me and made things worse. Acceptance doesn’t mean I gave into my depression and anxiety but I now have power over it. It relieves me of it’s ugly grip. I may have clinical depression and anxiety but ‘it’ doesn’t have me. And yes I do have days when I feel ‘it’ has me but I have to believe and hope that it will pass.  Acceptance means I am no longer in denial, I have this illness. By not admitting it; won’t make it go away. By not talking about it won’t make it go away. And wishing that things were back to before I had my last relapse, won’t make it happen. This is my new normal. The same would be said if I had any other illness, so there is no reason why I can’t say I have a mental illness.

It may be my fate to have this illness and I may have fear of this roaring lion to attack. But fate and fear does not have the last word. I still have to believe that it’s going to be okay and I will not give in but trust to my higher power to hold the pieces together. The things that I myself can control about my life and illness, I will give it all I got. But the things that I  have no control over, and they are many, I will leave into the most capable hands of my Heavenly Father; who knows what He’s doing.

 

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Mental Illness and Spirituality

I’ve written a couple of blogs before entitled; “The Church and Mental Illness” and “Be Anxious For Nothing”. Please read them again or read them for the first time, if you haven’t already read them. I believe there are so many misunderstandings, misconceptions and lack of education when it comes to Mental Illness. I’d be the first to admit it is a very complex and complicated issue to deal with. I don’t fully understand it myself and I’ve experienced a mental illness all my life. But I feel compelled to write another blog on this topic, in hopes of helping us to understand, to educate ourselves on the issue and to help us better relate to someone with a mental illness.

This no doubt has been a very difficult week, I have fought my anxiety with everything I have in me. There were moments I felt I was loosing the battle. There were times when I thought my strength was gone and I could fight no more, I was so exhausted and fed up with life that I couldn’t understand the purpose of it all. It was all so overwhelming. The more I prayed to God, the further away He seemed. I felt like Job, when his wife said to him, “Curse God and die”(Job 2:9) But Job said,(Job13:15) “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him”. It’s so easy to trust when everything is going fine, but trust when everything seems out of control; that’s another story. But I will trust, even when my faith  is small and discouragement comes in like a cloud. I will stand fast and believe His promises, even when things are bleak and uncertain.

The church in general tend to expect a Christian not to feel this way. Christians should not be anxious or depressed. Because the Bible says, Philippians 4:6,7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”. So why do I feel this way? I certainly have made my requests known to God. Does God not answer my prayers?  Does God not care about me? Do I not matter to Him? If I took these verses literally, all hope would be gone and I would give up and die.

I wish it were that easy and all I would have to do is give it to Him and BOOM! It would be gone. Sorry people/church but that’s not the way it always works. I have an anxiety disorder that is not gone away, I would hope and pray it would but God did not take this illness away from me. No more then He doesn’t always heal someone with cancer or any other illness, He can but chooses not to. But because mine is a mental one, I’m supposed to be rid of it by just making my request to God and it’s gone. That could work maybe for someone who has a math exam and are anxious but being anxious and having an anxiety disorder are two different things.

It would be so easy for me to be a Christian if God answered every requests I make to Him. But God doesn’t work like that, His will must be done. And in this life we will have trials, tribulations and sickness for which we may never understand. But being able to still believe in God when our requests are not granted is what I believe makes us a stronger, wiser and more compassionate Christian. Believe in spite of it all!

So if you’re a Christian and you are experiencing an anxiety disorder, depression, and any other mental illness. Then God still loves you even in your brokenness and if you haven’t had a healing, remember God is in control, He has no respect of persons. Believe in your heart that God will see you through no matter what the illness; deliverance or no deliverance, healing or no healing. You are a child of God even in your illness, God loves you!

Some churches (and I’m generalizing) have tried to explain it away by saying, “There must be sin in your life”. To that I would quote John 9:1-12, “Jesus saw a man who had been blind since birth. His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him”. Oh that God would use my illness to bring Glory to Him.

And then there’s the explanation of “You need to have more faith’. To which I would quote Matthew 17:20 “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard see, you could say to this mountain, “Move from here to there and it would move”. So our prayers aren’t answered by the amount of faith but by having faith.

This blog is not an attack on any church, but is meant to bring us all to a better understanding of God’s love, compassion, grace and mercy shown to each of us through His Son Jesus by whose stripes we are healed. And sometimes I believe that healing comes from acceptance of our illness and not a total miraculous recovery. I have said this many times before but it needs to be said again; “Mental illness is not a spiritual battle but an illness”. Until we come to that realization, the stigma of mental illness within the church body will  forever be present.

 

 

 

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A Fight For Our Lives

It’s been said ,”that it’s the scrupy wheel that get’s the grease”. It seems I’ve been the scrupy wheel quite often these pass few months. If I have a cause that needs grease then I have no problem stating my case. From mental health issues, accessibility for disabled persons, inclusion for all, funding for disability needs, etc. We have to fight for our lives!  I feel this should go public, just to give you a glimpse into what we have to fight for and this is just a taste.

Several months ago I contacted  our MHA; Ms. Pam Parsons because we were barely surviving. I was speaking with her assistant, who I poured my heart and soul out to. Only to learn we did not qualify for anything ( I’m referring to some help, care and cost for Lauren who has Spastic Quadriplegic cerebral palsy) because of my wife’s income. I heard back from Ms. Parsons this week, not because of my visit to her office but because of my appearance on the NTV show, Heart Matters. It was obvious to me she did not make the connection. When I brought it up, she knew nothing of my visit and had to look up my file to see just what I was all about. I sensed a little disconnection on their part.

After a lengthy conversation with Ms. Parsons it was obvious to me that the Provincial Government was certainly not going to be our lifeline. Yet she did promise to work on our “file” that wasn’t looking all that hopeful.

She then suggested I contact our Federal MP; Mr Ken McDonald. Which I did and again could only speak to his assistant. I documented every word I said during this conversation. And I thought I should share it with you in hopes that public knowledge would add extra pressure.

She started the conversation with, “well what is it exactly you are looking for?” And I started my lengthy monologue:

What I am fighting for is our lives, I feel we are a family drowning in despair, tired of fighting, totally exhausted.

I have fought mental illness all my life, but five years ago I experienced a total mental breakdown. Meaning I was rendered totally disabled; unable to function. I was told by my psychiatrist there was no cure for my illness and that I needed to apply for Canada Pension Disability because it was unlikely I would ever return to work. Our world that day was forever changed. I went from a person that was self-employed for 28 years, to a person with an income of $900 a month through CPD. And because of my illness my brain and body totally shut down.  So my wife was now caregiver for me, my now six year old son, plus our now four year old daughter; who at one years old  was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy. Again a second life altering diagnosis that we had to face, in an already struggling family.

We lived in St.John’s as long has we could until we were forced into bankruptcy and lost everything we had. And on top of all this chaos, struggle and stress, my wife still had to work in order to keep this already struggling family together.Because of all this financial ruin we were forced to move to Bay Roberts; to be closer to family for some support.

Now five years have passed, we are still fighting to hold the pieces together. I am doing much better but far from a functioning, normal human being. With all the hell my wife has encountered, she was diagnosed now with severe anxiety and depression. Thus she was forced by her doctors  to take a leave; no human human being could survive the amount of stress that she is under and still function in a classroom of 28 children and not have a breaking point.

Its certainly true  that in our society today it takes two incomes for a normal family to survive. We are far from  “NORMAL”. Lisa’s income just does not cut it. With Lauren’s needs alone we require one income, to support her needs. Thus far we have had to depend on family, fundraising and various charities. This financial burden should not be placed on others. it’s not their responsibility to do so. And it’s not our lifestyle to be constantly looking for money from family and the general public, they have done enough. Now it’s time for the Government to step in. Lauren is a child that requires much needed treatment, equipment and care; for which we get no assistance.  She deserves better! Now what are you going to do about it?

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Break Down Some Walls

I finally got a chance to sit down for a few minutes and ponder what I may share with you today.  I quickly scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed and stopped at a message that reiterated what I’ve been saying all along. And that being, stigma is still so prevalent in our society today. That being the negative, discriminating and prejudice way our society still label persons with a mental illness and put all mental disorders in the same group.

The lady was responding to the horrific shooting in Las Vegas: 58 killed and over 515 injured! I would certainly agree that this was an act of evil indeed. But she made the statement that blew my mind (no pun intended); “how can so many people with mental  health issues get these kinds of guns that kill such a crowd of people so quickly”. Ephesians 6:12 came to mind; “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” No where do I see here any reference to mental health. I had no choice but to respond; me being ‘a person with a mental health issue’ and being an advocate for Mental Illness. I could not let this one go. And I will share my response, I may sound a little annoyed and upset; well I was. In 2017 I would hope to expect better, silly me. So I responded with; ” I really don’t know how to respond to your ignorant statement. Do you believe honestly that it’s only people with a mental illness that can do such an act? Mental illness and evil are not one and the same. I have a mental illness and I was disturbed by your statement. It’s this mentality that build walls of stigma that is so unjustly placed on mental illness. I will keep you in my prayers, that God will open your narrow mindedness’. Sorry but that’s me, call it like it is; if it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck; then it’s a duck!

Now maybe I’m a little harsh or a little sensitive to comments that refer negatively to mentally ill persons.  but if I made a comment for example like;” All diabetics are fat”. That would be so not true, some maybe but not all and also would be very rude to even say it. So, that would be like saying that all criminal action is only done by people that are mentally ill. So therefore all you “perfectly, normal people out there would never commit a crime”. So not true! For one thing there is no such thing has normal, we would all want to think we are. Who can define what normal is anyway? Google doesn’t even do it justly, “conforming to a standard, usual, typical or expected”. Very vague and broad in my opinion. So let’s not be quick to judge anyone has being normal or mentally ill. There is no one perfect, especially when it comes to the brain, I think we are all a little mentally ill in one way or another lol.

There’s certainly a lot of talk about mental health awareness, but are people really “getting it”? I feel I am just has “normal” has the next person. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am breaking down the walls of stigma one person at a time. I am not expecting to change the world but I am and will do my part to make my voice heard, right where I am; in my part of the world.

This past weekend I was guest speaker at the “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”. I was overwhelmed with gratitude in the way the audience interacted with me; which made for an amazing discussion and learning experience for us all. I am so thankful for the opportunity to speak with others who totally ‘get it’. A road to healing for everyone that attended, has I shared my journey with mental illness.

It was also my honor and privilege to be guest speaker on the television program; ‘Heart  Matters’ on NTV. A great venue to tell my story and help others who are dealing with mental illness. It certainly provided a greater exposure to the hushed topic of mental illness. Little did I realize who my listening audience really were. And I didn’t realize until Monday night when I got a call from our Member of the House of Assembly: Ms Pam Parsons. She saw my story and was hoping that I would be willing to tell it in a session at the House of Assembly, upon the approval  of a request to do so. It’s funny how life presents itself, I would never think in a million years that I would be given this awesome opportunity to tell my story at a Government level. I was a little discouraged that what I had and needed to say was not falling on the ears of  people who had the power to make a difference and make some change. I prayed that God would open the doors so I could do just that. So sometimes we have to be careful of what we pray for; it just might come true. And thank God for me it did.

So if the walls of stigma are going to come down, even a little, I will say I have done my part. What others think of mental ill persons has to change and speaking out, educating and taking action is what’s needed in our society today. So, let’s all do our part and support each other. We will break down some walls!

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It’s Not All About Me

When you have an illness, especially long term, it’s not only the patient that’s affected but also the caregiver. I’m not just referring to my own illness but anyone with any kind of illness or disability, whether that be cancer, stroke, heart attack and the list goes on. Behind every sick person there’s that one caregiver who is there 24/7. How does that person survive and not get swallowed up in all the stress and not experience burnout? And how does a marriage or relationship (if the caregiver is your spouse or partner) survive such a traumatic experience and still survive? It’s my goal to give you some insight, hope and to answer some questions we might ask.

With my illness, major depression and anxiety disorder, I became a different person. My illness stripped me of my personality, my self worth, self esteem, my job, my everything; to a point where I felt I was left with nothing, not even a soul. My wife was living with a different man, a man she did not know, a stranger. But deep, deep down inside,that man was still there, trying desperately to come back. Really she was a caregiver for three children; myself, and our two children, one with Cerebral Palsy. I was totally in her care, I could not do this on my own; I was disabled and could not function. But the burden was placed on her to be strong and keep our family together. How long can one person survive in this environment and then try to keep her teaching career has well? In answer to that question; no human being can possibly stand up to all this pressure, there is a breaking point.

Our marriage has suffered immensely, the road has been long and rough. I know many days she must have felt like running and I would not blame her. But thus far we are still together and fighting to get “us” back. Statistics show that marriages undergoing the pressures and stress that ours is, do not survive. But thank God we are surviving and hoping for better days. We have certainly put our marriage vows to the test; “for better or worse”(we’ve experienced the worse), “for richer for poorer” (we’ve been down to nothing, financially), “in sickness and in health” (we have been tested to the max). And praying to God each day that He will hold us together.

The way in which a mental illness differs from many (but not all) other illness, is that with a mental illness it changes who you are, on a personal level. My wife was not living with the same man anymore, this adjustment is what many cannot wrap their heads around. After five years we are now trying to rekindle that love again. Mental illness has certainly been a big strain on our marriage but its going to take a lot of hard work to survive. But we are giving it all we got and some days that’s not a lot; we are so drained and exhausted. So if you are reading this and you are a caregiver of any illness; my hats off to you! May God give you strength, courage, and hope to go on.

Then there’s the question; how can one person (the caregiver) survive all of this stress and not reach a breaking point. I really believe, it’s not possible that it does change who that person has become. The years of stress, feelings of abandonment, loneliness, hopelessness, fatigue; all take it’s tole on that person. Maybe it’s easy for someone to judge a caregiver and say , “well that’s what they signed up for”. That is not true and if you haven’t walked in their shoes and haven’t experienced the life of a caregiver, then don’t judge. But instead, be that helping hand, that voice of encouragement and that source of strength for the caregiver. For they need and deserve all the help they can get, just has much as the ill person. But lots of times we have the tendency to overlook and forget about what the caregiver is going through.

So if you are a caregiver and you are falling beneath the load, please seek help; talk to your doctor, seek out a good friend, take some time for you. Don’t feel guilty about doing so, you need help too. If you don’t look after yourself it’s possible to get “caregiver burnout”. And yes there is such a thing and is very serious. “Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion”. Burnout can occur when caregivers don’t get the help they need or if they try to do more than they are able. They can experience fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression. So take the time to look after yourself before you get to this point.

So today I salute all you caregivers! Especially one in particular, my wife Lisa. Thank you for sticking by me, through thick and thin. There are no words to express my gratitude. And Lauren and Logan say thanks has well. We love and appreciate you.

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The Biggest Threat To My Mental Health

The rain is coming down in buckets or is it raining cats and dogs? Either way; it’s raining. And just like life, the sun doesn’t always shine, there has to be some rain sometimes. Eventually the rain will end and the sun will shine again; that is one thing we are guaranteed in life, nothing last forever. So it is with my illness, I have days when it’s pouring rain but then there are days when the sun shines again. There will come a reprieve, a calm. It’s my belief that for a lot of us, this illness never fully goes away; but that doesn’t mean we can’t have sunshine in our lives. There are several threats that impedes this ray of sunshine from shining.

The expectations that society has put on mental health is one such threat. We are expected to put on a pretty face, a smile, and pretend everything is ok, so others won’t be exposed to our illness. And in so doing it will alleviate them of their uncomfortable, social phobia of mental illness. I swear some people think this illness is contagious. Trust me it’s not. Society needs to realize this is an illness just like any other illness, certainly not a threat, we just want to be accepted and not treated has a second class citizen but as a human being that is suffering on the inside. But in a way that you cannot see because it’s not a physical illness but oh so real on the inside. A pain that you cannot see.

Let’s attack the Government again; like its going to do some good. I’m not being a pessimist but a realist. I think one of the last things on the “to do list” of our Government is to invest in the growing epidemic of mental illness. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering with no help available.Therefore I consider the Government a very big threat to my mental health and I hold them accountable for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities.

And of course stigma isn’t a word that’s going away anytime soon, when it comes to mental health. The minute the words itself, “mental illness” is mentioned; the red flags go up. It is one of the most stigmatized issues in our society and that is really too bad. It is only when we speak out and began talking about and educating society on this issue will these walls of stigma come down. I’m certainly open to talking about my mental illness. I just hope it’s doing some good and not falling on deaf ears. Because if the walls of stigma did come down, even somewhat, it would certainly help in diminishing the threat against mental illness. And one less thing that we as sufferers would have to deal with. And would be able to concentrate on getting well again.

But the greatest threat against my mental illness is; “Myself”! For me and I am only speaking for myself, that sometimes I was my greatest threat. I put too much trust in others and hoping for someone or something to make me well. When really I needed to search within myself; I had and have more strength and wisdom then I realized. I was afraid of what others thought of me if they knew I had a mental illness. Big deal what someone else thinks, they are not walking in my shoes. What really matters is what I think of myself. And yes there are/were times when my self confidence, my self worth and my sense of belonging was very low. But gradually over time, I realize, I am no different then anyone else out there. We all have our struggles, failures and insecurities. And me having a mental illness, doesn’t make me any less of a person then someone who doesn’t. I’ve begun to realize that I can’t look at myself as being different but unique, equal and not a threat to my own well being.

So, from now on, I will hold my head up high, walk with confidence and not be ashamed of my mental illness. I will shout it from the mountain tops and before long others will follow and not be threatened by anyone or anything.

Monique

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I Love Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy

Both Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy have taught me so much about life. I really wish that I was never introduced to either. Because life would have been fine without it. But that’s not the way it works; we can’t pick and choose what life throws in our laps. We just have to learn to accept and endure through whatever life throws at us. Does that mean we have to love or hate whatever that might be?

It has taught me that I am so not in control of what life throws my way. There are days when life is spinning out of control. Mental Illness and Cerebral Palsy are much bigger then me. I am only human, it forced me to look deeper inside for something more, a strength that is greater then myself. That we cannot do this in our own human strength but we need a spiritual strength that is much greater. All of us, no matter who we are or what we believe; when it comes down to the crunch, what or who do we turn to? I believe that would be God. We can’t turn to our bank accounts, our careers, our possessions or any earthly being. When all is said and done all we really have is God. And that is the greatest answer to any of life’s questions. So therefore I love mental illness and cerebral palsy for that reason; it made me look deeper spiritually, that I probably would not have done otherwise.

Both our disorders have opened my eyes to a “new normal”. All our lives have been affected and changed in one way or another. We are learning and accepting both our life changing diagnoses. And trying to make it as “normal” as possible. We as a family still grieve the losses that comes with such life altering illnesses. Life as we knew it will never be the same. But we have to find the sunshine in this; our new normal. And that will not be easy but we will do it; one moment,one hour, one day at a time. So it as taught me tolerance of the here and now. This is a new chapter in the book of our lives. Nothing stays the same forever.

I also love mental illness and cerebral palsy because it as helped me to relate to others who are experiencing the same pain and struggles. My compassion, love and concern for others have certainly deepened because of what these disorders have taught me.

But in all honesty; can this be the truth? Can I truly love these illnesses? To some degree yes but to another,no. Can I truthfully say I love the mental illness I have and Lauren’s cerebral palsy? The truth is; I hate the mental illness I have. I hate Lauren’s cerebral palsy. After all I am only human and hate is an emotion that we all possess. Yes I have learned and grown so much but bottom line; I hate it! That is the truth:”…and the truth shall set you free!”

I just visited my acupuncturist and thought I’d get her opinion on this topic of hate and love. Is hate an emotion? Can we love and hate something at the same time? I think we concluded that hate is an emotion because love is an emotion and hate is the opposite of love. And we can love and hate at the same time. If you disagree, you’ll have to take it up with her, lol. But I love and hate mental illness and cerebral palsy at the same time.

On the flip side; how can I love something that as taken away so much from us and have changed our lives so drastically? I have lost my job, my sense of being a provider, my self confidence, self worth and the list goes on. So yes, I hate it for those reasons. Then there’s Lauren. The suffering, the senselessness, the freedom to live a “normal life” as been taken away from her. Just last night I was getting her ready for bed and I was massaging an essential oil combination that Lisa developed to help sooth her muscles. When she said,”Daddy I don’t want anymore Jesus Oil (we told her when we apply this oil, Jesus was going to make her better, so she calls it her Jesus oil). So I said,”why not my darling?” And she looked up at me and said,”because I don’t want to walk anymore?” My heart nearly broke. I said, “why don’t you want to walk anymore my love?” And she looked up at me and said,”Because it hurts too much.” Through my tears she said, “you ok Daddy”? I lied and said, “Daddy’s just fine”. When inside I was saying, “I hate you to her cerebral palsy.”

I can’t honestly say I love it, I do love the positive outcomes that have come with our disorders. But sadly to say with the positives come the harsh realities. The sleepless nights, the long periods of screaming, the wanting to walk like Bruddy, the constant 24/7 care that nobody else sees. We have no choice but to cry out to God! HELP!
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