Tag: Mental illness

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I Have Tried Everything

I remember getting to a point in my illness when I felt I had tried ‘everything’ and I still wasn’t better. I had done months of therapy, counselling, I had tried every antidepressant, anti psychotic, every cocktail of medications, shock therapy and yet I found no miracle working relief from my ever emerging symptoms of my illness. Because of this, much panic, hopelessness and fear of not escaping this hell sat in. I felt I was at a dead end and my hope was depleting.

So the statement; ‘I have tried everything and nothing works’ in fact may be true to some extent but in another, is not. When you do get to this point, you still haven’t tried ‘everything’, you may think you have but no you haven’t! You have to consciously make the decision everyday to fight for you, you still have ‘you’, you cannot give up on you. But ‘YOU’ have to do it; no one else on this earth can do it for you. You have the power and strength within you to do it. Where this inner strength comes from I believe is from God; our creator, He who knit us in our Mother’s womb, He who knew the plans He has for us, even before we were born. He who said, ‘I will never leave you or forsake you.’

Yes, everyday is still a struggle; there are days when I feel so all alone, tired from the fight but I have to be determined to not give up. Though some days my mind tells me that life is not worth it anymore, I cannot listen. I will find the strength within me and God is there somewhere, even when I don’t feel Him. So when those days overwhelm me and I feel I have tried everything and nothing works; I have to remember how far I ‘have’ come and remember that I will come out on top, stronger in the end.

I will no longer look at myself as a victim but as a conqueror. It’s the fight that makes me stronger. Yes this illness is looked upon so differently then any other illness. If I had cancer, kidney failure, heart disease, diabetes, etc. all of which are looked upon with concern, support and compassion (and so they should be). But because it’s a mental illness, many, not all, look at you in a different light, really so much so that you are looked upon as being defected. They look at you as if you are a different person; and yes I agree that the illness does change you but it’s not your fault nor is it mine. I hate this illness for all it as done to me but I am coming back; all in time. It’s so difficult for friends and even family to sometimes understand what’s going on because of our mental illness. But educating themselves is the best defense against misunderstanding our behavior and separating themselves from us, when in reality there as never been a time when we needed them more.

Today I realize we all struggle with something; whether that being a sickness, addiction, lost, marriage struggles, loneliness and hurts. But I also realize today that if we feel that we have tried it all and nothing works. Then I am here to tell you (and to remind myself) we still have hope, hope in God, hope in ourselves. It may not be an easy road but it’s a one that leads to hope, light and a one that we are not walking alone. When we loose faith in God and ourselves, it’s then we have nothing left; we have no hope. So let’s keep hope alive and never give up! 

 

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Incomplete

My pen doesn’t want to move anymore, like it’s stuck in quicksand. It just stays there, nestled in my hand. I look at it and wonder, what is it you want to say? It starts to move, picks up momentum and we’re off! Summer is here and with that comes the expectations of fun times, barbecues, friends over, water fights, leisure and relaxation. That sounds amazing, so exciting, so full of life but for me so out of reach.

No matter how hard I try, the expectations of summer just doesn’t come by so easily. Depression builds up a wall that separates you from what you really want; to be truly happy. It’s like the harder you try the further away your dream fades. You know what you need to do but you just can’t get there; it keeps moving further and further away. Depression kills your spirit; it leaves you feeling INCOMPLETE. And that’s probably one of the best words to describe what depression does to you, it makes you feel incomplete. Like there is always something missing, it steals a piece of you that you can’t find anymore, no matter how hard you search.

You know you’re not right, that there is something wrong but you are trapped , you can’t get out, you can’t change it. It’s out of your control. I feel like I have lost myself and can’t find ‘me’, no matter how hard I search; I can’t be found. My identity is lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. Please come back; whoever you were, I liked the other person a lot better. I was a perfectionist, I would go above and beyond to help others, I gave my job 110%. I was the responsible one (most of the time) and the one other people could count on. Now I can’t even count on myself for me, I’m afraid of who I’ve become. How could depression change me so much? Will I ever be ‘myself’ again?

Depression really does change who you are. I grieve and mourn for that person I use to be. I managed my own business for 28 years, like any other professional, but today that is so impossible, my illness has taken away my ability to perform in that capacity and I miss it so much. It was such a large part of who I was, I loved it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, professionalism, purpose and socialization. But I know within me, I will never do that again and I have to let it go. But letting go is never easy, it’s been six years and I still have days when I wish I could go back to those days. But I know I have to look forward and hope that one day I will thrive again.

There’s nothing glamorous or pretty about depression. But opening up about it and letting other people know just how I feel is one of the best things I could have done. I’m hoping that people aren’t disappointed that I’m not the person I used to be, that depression as taken it’s tole on me. I fight every day to be the best that I can be; maybe there are days that I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t know what to say anymore. Then there are days when I seem a million miles/km away, when really I’m still here, it’s just my brain has captured my thoughts and I’m held prisoner inside my own mind. Or some days I may not laugh as much as I used to, my burden of sadness overwhelms me and steals my laughter. There may be days I just want to run away and not have to face anyone. But that’s what depression as done to me, it’s no one’s fault and certainly not mine because if I could change it I would do it in an heartbeat. My real self is still there, somewhere underneath my depressed self. Depression does not define who I am, it will try; but it will not win, it just can’t.

So whether its summer, winter, spring or fall; it doesn’t matter. When depression strikes it doesn’t always take the season into consideration. But it’s so hard when it’s a beautiful summer day and the sun is shining in all of it’s glory but in your mind the sun isn’t so bright anymore. Depression as clouded it’s beaming rays and darkened shadows follow your every footstep.

If you know someone who suffers from depression or any other mental illness, please realize that it is mental illness that as changed them. They didn’t choose to have this illness and if there was ever a time in their life when they needed your understanding and support; it’s now. Just be there and maybe one day at a time, they will gradually come back to you.

 

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Comfort in Trouble

It basically took me a lifetime of suffering with depression to realize that there was probably a good reason for all this pain. It could not have all been in vain and nothing good could come out of it all. There had to be a reason, a purpose, for all this misery that depression and anxiety had brought to my life. The fire of this illness had consumed me to nothing but ashes. But out of the ashes there will come some good.

I was reminded of this very fact when I recently read this from a devotional, which said, ‘The tough things we experience can help us understand others, relate to others and gain valuable resources with which we can help others’. I knew there had to be something positive hidden under all those ashes. And when I started digging, I realized what it was. To help others! I believe that the most effective person that could help someone with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; is someone who as walked down the same road.

I may not have all the answers but I can feel the pain, feel the hurt and listen without judgement. And I am someone who totally ‘gets it’, I understand where you are. When others don’t understand, not because they don’t care but because they haven’t been there; they aren’t where you are and therefore just cannot fully comprehend what it is you are going through.

In recent years I have dealt with more hurt, pain and trials then I have in all my lifetime combined. And I have often asked God, ‘why?’. Why do I have to experience so much tribulation?And I’m sure in your own situations you have questioned God and asked, ‘why?’. And the only answer I could find is found in 2 Corinthians 1:4 “God comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble”.

I guess God had it all figured out before I even existed. I learned two life lessons from this Bible verse. One is that God comforts me in all my tribulation. So no matter what  my troubles are, I can be assured that God will comfort me no matter the circumstances that I might find myself in. He is present in the rain and the sunshine. Secondly, I believe God knew in order for us to be touched by someone else’s infirmities; we would have to experience them for ourselves. Because I have a mental illness, I can be a comfort to someone else who is dealing with a mental illness themselves. Nothing brings me greater pleasure, a feeling of accomplishment and self worth; as does when I have encouraged and offered support, hope and comfort to someone else.

So mental illness; you haven’t beaten me down, you haven’t destroyed me, you haven’t had the last word. You have not won!  God will bring light out of the darkness, good out of the bad and comfort out of our tribulations and trouble. In Him will I trust!

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Through The Fire

May I be real, honest and truthful? Why do I feel the need to be  honest? Why can’t I for once tell you a lie? And my answers, why can’t they be what I would love them to be? Why do they have to be what I so don’t want them to be? Why? Why? Why?

The day is saturated with sunshine and beauty on this Saturday morning. God’s creation is alive and in full bloom; the trees, flowers and even the grass, expresses the awesomeness of God’s handiwork. This is what my eyes see.

But no matter what I see with my eyes, I cannot deny what I feel mentally and on the inside. But  God I’ve been in this storm long enough, please stretch forth your hand and speak, “Peace be still”. I’ve passed through the waters, I’ve walked through fire and at times I feel  I’m drowning and times when I feel I’m consumed by the flames. But please remind again of your promise to me that, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze” Isaiah 43:2 NIV. But Lord, why do I feel like I’m drowning, burning with this storm? My mental illness still sweeps over me like a river, it’s flames consumes me like a raging forest fire. But my faith still looks up to you, my trust is still in you. Please remind me dear Lord, that you are in control and you won’t let me/us go.

There’s a song that The Crabb Family sings, Through the Fire; that really sums up what I’m feeling and trying so desperately to express.

Through the Fire
The Crabb Family
So many times I question the certain circumstances
And things I could not understand.
Many times in trials my weakness blurs my vision
And that’s when my frustration gets so out of hand.
It’s then I am reminded, I’ve never been forsaken.
I’ve never had to stand one test alone.
As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me.
And It’s through the fire my weakness is made strong.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again
I know within myself that I would surly perish
If I trust the hand of God, He’ll shield the flame again.
He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you’re standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again
Just hold on
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again.
So, yes, I’m walking through the fire; but I’m walking. We live our lives with so much uncertainty, it’s not black or white for us. Lauren’s cerebral palsy alone has brought so much heartache and questions that it could literally break the heart of God.
Lauren was sitting on the sofa this morning, doing her ‘homework’. Then she ask me to bring her to her bed and as I’m carrying her, my heart is breaking. She has no mobility whatsoever and every step she makes, we make them for her. I was once again reminded of her limitations.
It’s such a beautiful day and i just want her to run outside and play. I don’t even envy other children or wish for Lauren what they have, I just want what’s best for Lauren. And today sadness and heartache ravishes my body for her sake. Only us and God really knows what’s in store for Lauren and its a long, hard road. Today I’m a little angry, maybe angry that I’m so helpless and there’s so much that’s out of our control. I just want to fix her; and maybe she’s not broken at all. Maybe it’s me that really needs to be fixed but I can’t even do anything about that.
One morning this week, Lauren wanted to pick a promise for Daddy from the promise box we have nestled on the side table. Maybe she knew I needed to be reminded of God’s faithfulness. The promise is taken from Jeremiah 29:11. “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. Oh to have the faith of a child.
Today I will pray for strength, wisdom and guidance. So when I am going through deep waters and rivers, when I walk through the fire; may I have the assurance that I am not alone and He has a plan already sat in motion to give me hope and a future. In Him will I trust; even “Through the Fire”.
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My Glass Is Half Empty

Since I’m at a more advanced stage of my recovery; I read more. There was a time in my illness that I could not read a book or even watch television, my cell phone totally stressed me out; I couldn’t even touch it. And the computer, that was out of the question. For some seemingly silly reason, my brain would not allow me to entertain myself with anything of that nature. Everything basically frightened  me to death. I look back on those days now and wonder what was that all about; I could not explain it but it was sure real. And I certainly could not dismiss or choose what my thoughts were. But one thing I do know; it was real.

Most of my reading right now is centered around self help books. Books that would somehow enhance and improve my life. Some I agree with, others I have to question. One such book I’m reading now (I won’t give the name of the book, to protect the author; after all they have the right to their opinion as well). But I will quote from the book, the portion that I have to challenge and will share my own thoughts on. And the quote is, “Whether we see the glass as half full or half empty, whether we let someone else’s gloomy outlook drag us down, whether we choose to have a great day or not, is a matter of choice.”

Today is a perfect example of why I have to disagree with that statement. You see, today is a really ‘bad day’ for me, not by choice but dictated by my chemical imbalanced brain. My neurotransmitters are not at the levels they should be to maintain a ‘happy’ mood. The neurotransmitters that affect mood are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. This explains why my mood is so low in the morning; its scientifically proven that serotonin levels are at their lowest at this time of day. So no matter what I want to choose today, happy or sad; my brain as already decided it for me. If it were a choice, I’d be the happiest man on earth. Why would someone ‘choose’ to be negative and sad? But that didn’t mean I didn’t choose to do positive things today; I still done things that helped to improve my day. I just had to make more of an effort to do them. And work a little harder to see that glass has half full.

We certainly live in a ‘it’s all about me society’. Never before have we lived in a period of time when life was so centered around; ‘what’s in it for me?’, not ‘what can I do for someone else?’ We are told to separate ourselves from someone else’s negative outlook, because negativity is contagious. Then why can’t the opposite be true? Isn’t it possible for positivity to be passed on. Why can’t we seek out those who are sad and down and maybe our positive, happy outlook would be passed on to them. And what a better place our world would be if we would sometimes put others before ourselves; it’s called selflessness. Mark 12:31 ‘The second most important command is this; ‘Love your neighbor the same as you love yourself…’

So to sum up my thoughts; sometimes people see the glass as half empty because sometimes that’s exactly what their brain is telling them. That’s not what they want to choose to believe but that’s what their mental illness is telling them. And sometimes in our lives we go through times when life presents itself as half empty. Death, sickness, divorce, financial ruin, natural disasters, crime and the list can go on. There are times when we are allowed to be sad and gloomy; sometimes for good reason. But this too shall pass, life does change; we all experience good and bad, sad and happy. And sometimes our glass may be half empty.

But eventually our glass does become half full. Reality is that for various reasons we can feel overwhelmed, sad, and anxious but when we do, just remember the light will shine again and we are never alone. I challenge those out there today who may have their glass half full to walk a mile in my shoes and see how far you would get. Maybe you too would stumble and fall. But the thing for us all to remember is always get up and keep going; we will win the race, suppose we have to crawl past that finish line; we will get there. I pray God’s protection over all of us today and may today be the best day ever!

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Where Did My ‘Normal’ Go?

For those of you who live a ‘normal’ life (and I say that a little sarcastically); I envy you! I would love just to feel ‘normal’ again. Just to be able to live life without an overwhelming since of despair. I remember what ‘normal’ felt like; I would jump out of bed (no thought, just jump), coffee tasted different, the sun was brighter, the clouds were gone, simple tasks I could do and not even have to think about it. But when you have a mental illness, nothing seems ‘normal’ anymore. Every tasks fills you with panic and fear; you have no strength left to do the things you once so much enjoyed, now they’ve become a burden. Things  that once brought you enjoyment bring emptiness. I fight everyday to bring back that ‘normal’. Where did it go? By ‘normal’ I don’t mean perfect, just free to live life with some enjoyment.

This horrifying illness as stolen my ‘normal’, my life, my will to go on at times.But yet there’s nothing I want more then just live. I have so much to live for but my depression consumes my life and leaves me with very little strength left to fight. And when you are exhausted and tired of living this existence; your patience is gone, your will to keep fighting is gone, your will to live is gone, your ability to be ‘normal’ is gone.

But how do I get it back? How do I go on? Especially when you have fought for so long to get your ‘normal’ back. I have to believe in myself that tomorrow is going to be better, never give up hope. Hope is the greatest antidepressant, without it I would not survive. Also my faith in God, even when God feels so far away, I know He is walking beside me and I’m sure some days He’s carrying me. Then there are days when I feel like Jesus did when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He said.’My God why have you forsaken me’. There are times when I feel all alone. In an overpopulated world, in an overcrowded room; I still feel alone.

The part of this illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) that isolates me the most is that, for the most part, majority of people do not understand this illness. And I’m not blaming them, it’s just the way it is. I hope my writings have opened their eyes, minds, and hearts. May they realize this is not an illness of choice; but an illness of pain and suffering. But because they can’t see the pain and suffering doesn’t mean it’s not there. Support for many sufferers is definitely a big issue. Many are ashamed and afraid to ask for help from family and friends; afraid that they will be judged, stigmatized and misunderstood. And sadly to say, many people still don’t ‘get it’. Asking for help from the medical field is often not what we expected (I’ll save that for another blog).

So, yes I long to find my ‘normal’ again, I really miss it. But for now I’ll try to keep my head above water. When I say, ‘normal’, I use that word very loosely because there is no such thing as normal. It’s like using the word ‘perfect’, nothing is ‘perfect’. Let’s just say a somewhat healthy, functioning life would be nice. And to have a support system that understands, sometimes that means just allowing you to not be okay but accepts that in you, not having all the answers but a shoulder to lean on. Because sometimes what we need the most are not always words, but someone to just listen.

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A Day In The Life of My Mental Illness

 

 

 

 

 

I am so sick and tired of mental illness! I hate it! And I’m sure you must be tired of reading about my mental illness. Why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to blog? Why can’t someone else who’s probably a better writer, more qualified, more gifted, take up the torch. This week as been rough (what else is new lol); I took up my pen several times to write something. But there was nothing, I felt numb, blank, empty, nothing left to give, nothing left to share. The battle with my illness had left me powerless and speechless. I had nothing left to share that could possibly help someone else, I felt I needed someone to help me.

You see when you have been given a diagnoses such has mine, it is something that’s not going away; there is no cure. Just like cancer (and I am not comparing, they are two totally different illnesses) but in some ways they are alike. My ‘cancer’ as killed and destroyed who I am, it eats away at your soul, your self, your being and your will. It leaves you with the haunting fear of a relapse.

So this past week as awakened my somewhat sleeping monster. Before my eyes are opened to face the day; my mind is busy with crippling nightmares. Nightmares of being on a locked down unit on an hospital ward, not a prison ward. A prisoner not a patient. I will forever be traumatized by those evil days of hospitalization. Traumatized by the reality of knowing that I am treatment resistant and I have exhausted all available treatments. My dreams will not let me forget this mesmerizing reality. Then there’s the memories (of what memory I have left of that time) of ECT. In my dreams I’m awakened before the treatment is complete and I’m strapped to the bed and no one will free me. Then morning comes and I realize I’m safe, safe from my dreams but never safe from my reality.

I have to take control of my thoughts as soon as my eyes are open, if not, they could easily spiral out of control to a point of being extremely overwhelmed and panic could easily take over. But thankfully I am still able, to some extent, control my own thoughts. With a mental illness there are not just the mental symptoms but also the physical symptoms. There are times when panic attacks (and thankfully right now are pretty much under control) but I still experience related symptoms such as an extreme rise in body temperature and feelings of mild fear and panic. It’s my goal to keep them from escalating into a full blown panic attack; which I never want to experience again. So I start my day as if every things okay.

All day, every day, my physical body feels triple it’s weight, there’s an heaviness that never goes away. It may fluctuate but never leaves. Then there’s the rising tides of emotion that you just want to cry. Most times you don’t even know why; you just do.  Then you don’t  want to start because if you do, it just won’t stop. But sometimes I believe your emotions can be used for your good; a form of release. To admit this makes me feel weak but the truth is; God gave us emotions for a reason. Many times in the Bible, Jesus is recorded as being emotional; ‘Jesus wept.’ If Jesus can cry, and He’s the Son of God; then so can I. Because someone doesn’t shed tears, doesn’t make them any stronger then someone who does ( but if the truth were known; everyone cries). I remember my Dad being a very emotional man, especially when he talked of spiritual things and the faithfulness of God. And because of that I respect him, and admire his compassion for others; he had a big heart that made him a very strong, wise and gentle man. I hope to be just half the man he was, he left me with a great legacy that I hope I will live up to and make him proud. And when we meet again, I hope he can look at me and say, ‘See, I told you, you could do it’. But right now, today, I feel I can’t do it. But I will, somehow find my way.

By the time half my day is done; fatigue sets in, not just tired but exhausted. I fight it as long as I can but there are times when I just give in and have no choice but take a nap. And of course that makes me feel guilty, I’m not suppose to sleep in the middle of the day. But sometimes I just have to listen to my body and rest.

It’s my prayer everyday to just be able to have a day when I feel free and not be held captive by my mind. To just enjoy life, my wife and children without being dictated by my mind of what I can or cannot do. I get angry, angry at myself, angry at not being able to rid myself of this illness. I just want to live, not just to survive.

Not everyone who has a mental illness experience what I am experiencing. Every person is different and their journey may not be at all comparable to mine. If you are reading this and you experience a mental illness (mine being Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder), I hope that you cannot relate to what I am saying because I would not want to wish this on my worse enemy (I hope I have no enemies). I may be treatment resistant but that doesn’t mean that you are or will be. I pray that you will respond to your treatment successfully and are able to live a normal, functioning life. And although I may not be responding well to treatment, I am responding to a certain extent; just not to the point where I would like to be. But I will not give up hope, I will fight to the end!

 

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How Are You?

                                                              I am depressed! That’s not an everyday answer to the question,” How are you?” I think if you answered with that phrase, the other person would go in shock or think you were crazy. The more sociable response would be; I’m doing fine, I’m great, I’m good, etc.  We live in a Society that really doesn’t want to hear the real truth of how you are truly feeling but the more politically correct response. If you are sensitive to negativity and only surround yourself with positive people or if you think negative thoughts are contagious; then you better stop reading and leave this blog. I believe sometimes we mistake pain and hurt for negativity. If I were to say I only have positive thoughts, then I would be lying. If I did, I would be in denial or living in a bubble. All illness, physical or mental, bring with it negativity. We have two forces moving through the universe; negative and positive. And in order to produce electricity we need both. I believe in order to live a balanced life we need both forces to ignite our fire. To say we do not have negative thoughts, then I believe we are suppressing reality. Just as the sun shines, so must the rain fall.

Reality for me is living with negative thoughts, do I choose to live with these thoughts? Do I have a choice about these thoughts? Absolutely not! I don’t have a on/off switch. Who in their right mind (no pun intended) would want to be bombarded by negative thinking. Certainly not me. But that’s what depression is; having more negative thoughts, then positive thoughts. I do my part to keep these thoughts under control when I am at a capable place in my mindset. O well, you might say, “All you have to do is think positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people”. I pray to God it were that easy. That would be like saying to someone who has anorexia, “Just eat food”. It’s not that simple and that’s not the way it works. We have an illness, a brain disorder, and no amount of positive thinking will cure us. I’m hoping and praying that one day, my mind will heal completely, just as if I cut my finger and over time it healed.

My mental illness is much like a physical illness; if gone untreated it will only get worse and maybe even cause death. It is as real and painful has any physical illness. And will not go away on it’s own. “Suicide happens when pain exceeds the ability to cope”(Dianna Paige). People don’t kill themselves; their illness kills them. People are victims of suicide. Suicide is what kills them, their illness is what kills them. So mental illness needs to be treated before it escalates to a point where you have no hope.

How many slang negative terms can you come up with pertaining to mental illness; crazy, psycho, mental, insane, nuts, weird, etc. Now how many negative slang terms can you come up with for cancer? None, there are none. But both of these are illnesses; if you suffer an illness of the mind you are thought to be irrational but if you suffer a physical illness you are honorable, courageous and strong. Mental illness is the only illness that the person is blamed for their illness or lack of recovery.

I’m tired of living in a Society where you get a cast if your arm is broken, but if you have a mental illness, you become an outCAST.  Over the time it took to read this blog, over 20 people from around the world have died by suicide. With the proper support, guidance and care these deaths could have been prevented. It is up to us and is our responsibility to take a stand, end stigma and raise awareness for Mental Illness.

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Who Am I Today?

After living a lifetime with a mental illness and not knowing what it was, makes it hard to describe who I am today. I’m still trying to figure out who that person was back there. A time when mental illness wasn’t even looked upon as even an illness. Nobody really knew what it was, it was just that, ‘IT’. But after living with ‘it’ for all my life, I believe I have some insight into what ‘it’ is and who I am.

‘IT’ is most definitely, beyond question, an illness. Looking back over the years I can see now, what was wrong with me, I was ill. As a little boy I remember experiencing extreme anxiety, due to worry. I worried that my Mom and Dad were going to die. My two younger brothers were going to get lost in the woods, drown by falling off a wharf or just not come back home. School, for me, was a source of anxiety that no child should have ever had to endure. But no one knew how to help or what was even wrong. Let alone being diagnosed with a mental illness. But that was exactly what was going on; my brain was not processing the information it was receiving properly, my signals were misfiring as it were.

At a very young age I remember being sad, alone, inadequate, unworthy, scared, etc. Back then i didn’t know what those emotions were but looking back; I do now. When I look at my Grade one school picture, I see a sad little boy, I can see pass the sad, dark eyes into the mind of a very disturbed and fragile little boy; who felt lost in the crowd. But how could such a young little boy be having those very adult emotions? My only explanation that I could find was that it was in my genes and I was predisposed to this illness from my conception until this present day.

This present day, now where does that bring me? ‘It’ still follows me everywhere I go, it’s in my dreams, my crowded thoughts, it’s forever present; even when my thoughts are distracted, eventually ‘it’ comes back. I long for freedom, for that morning when I can get out of bed and not have the dread of ‘it’ following me around all day. A day when I can just enjoy life and not be tormented and weighed down by this thing I call ‘it’.

So who am I today? Not much different then that little boy, all those years ago. I still have many fears, inadequacies, insecurities, worries, etc. But since those days I sure have learned a lot about ‘it’. I have learned to accept my mental illness for what it is; an illness. And on days when I’m not feeling so good, panic strikes and thoughts of a relapse arise; I tell myself, ‘I got this’, I’ve been down this road before and I will get over this ‘hump’ again. Through the years I have learned various coping skills that ‘usually’ help get me through that rough spot.

But I believe today that the years of struggling and dealing with this illness has taken it’s tole on me in all areas of my life. Physically it has exhausted me to a point of being overwhelming; I fight to keep moving, then there are times when I just have to give up and sleep. And with that comes the feeling of guilt, that I should be able to keep going. Mentally the trauma of my illness has left me with memory loss, loss of train of thought, mental fog and lack of concentration. All of which make it difficult for me to live a normal functioning life. Then Spiritually it as prompted me to question why I was never healed, right now I don’t have an answer to that question. But I am willing to leave it up to God, He knows best.

So here I am looking at the big picture, a lifetime of mental illness. I now see that there’s no different in living a lifetime with diabetes, heart disease,  or kidney disease. I am not exempt from illness anymore then the next person. So I accept my lot in life; but I have to pray for God’s grace, strength and mercy for each new day. When in my finite mind I can’t see how I can get through the next day or how I can put one foot in front of the other. I trust in an infinite God and He will see me through and will never leave me alone.

So in answer to the question of ” Who am I today?. I am the same person that I always was and is and will ever be. My DNA is still the same. Just with a lot of battle scars, mountains to climb and rivers to cross. But I will be the best that I can be with what I have!

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Depression, I Hate You!

Depression, I hate you!                                                                                                                         Why can’t you just leave me alone?                                                                                             Why don’t you ever go away?

I hate that when I’m sad, people mistaken it for anger                                                        When really I’m so sad that I can’t find my happy                                                                  Where have you gone?                                                                                                                        I miss you so much.

I am angry                                                                                                                                                   Angry at depression                                                                                                                             Angry at what it has done to my life

You have stolen from me                                                                                                                     I hate the way you twist and distort my thoughts                                                                 You fill my head with ugliness.

I hate that there’s no cure                                                                                                                  But I need to escape this hell so desperately                                                                           Even though I try,                                                                                                                                   I fight every day;                                                                                                                                     every single day!

Depression, I hate you!                                                                                                                         You steal, you lie                                                                                                                                     You cover up the good and I can’t find it.

Give me back my life                                                                                                                             My days I have lost                                                                                                                                  The years I have lost                                                                                                                            I have missed so much                                                                                                                       And I hate you because I can never get it back.

Give me back the person I want to be                                                                                          The person I was before you destroyed me                                                                             Before you changed who I am.

I am so exhausted and tired                                                                                                              That makes me impatient with others and with me                                                             That’s not fair!

Depression, I am angry                                                                                                                        I am tired, I am sad                                                                                                                                 I hate you,                                                                                                                                                    I hate you,                                                                                                                                                 I  HATE YOU!!!!!