Tag: Mental illness

Posted on

A Life Of Fighting

‘Desperate times cause for desperate measures’, that’s what the quote says anyway. Here I am at Robin’s, sitting alone, sipping a coffee and writing; like I was getting paid for it. I’m expecting the roof to blow off the building any minute, the wind is blowing so hard. I’m here trying to put my thoughts together but nothing seems to work. If I’m getting paid per word for what I’m writing, then my pay won’t be much today.

I’ve just experienced two horrible weeks of depression and nothing I do helps. When you are feeling depressed; ‘to do’ are the last two words in your vocabulary. You really feel totally disabled, not that you don’t want ‘to do’ something, you can’t do it. It’s like your body goes in shut down mode and you find it next to impossible to function. Nothing brings you joy, you feel numb but mostly you feel angry and guilty because you feel this way. I know it’s not my fault, this illness has captured my mind and as held me prisoner for most of my life.

Major depression is not a once in a lifetime occurrence or at least it hasn’t been for me. I guess I can compare it to a roller coaster, with many ups and downs; with the downs a lot lower then the highs of the ups. The scariest part of the ride is, you have no choice in when your ride will end and you can get off. Yes, you will experience times when your depression goes into remission as it were. You know it’s still there, but you can live life with a little more  ease. Those are the times when you have to enjoy life to it’s fullest because you don’t know how long this reprieve will last. And  then that disabling, crippling, ugly beast of depression returns in all it’s fury; that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks. I call it a veil of sadness.

What happens to me during this period of time? I change! I find it difficult to laugh, but yet normally, I love to laugh. I love to make other people laugh; so much so that I started a YouTube channel called, ‘Walter on da line’ and it’s all about laughing. But when I’m in this pit of despair I cannot even play the part but yet I miss it so much. I’m hoping this cloud will soon lift and I can get back to playing my character, ‘Walter’, once again. Then, I didn’t go to church on Sunday, and I rarely miss. But I just could not go, I couldn’t be around large crowds, just too overwhelming. The darkness was starting to close in, the dark night of depression was creeping in. When this happens I find it really hard to see the sunshine, even when the sun is shining. I love bright sunny days but when depression strikes, the darkness hides the sunshine. I want to just run and hide. I ignore the phone, not that  I don’t want to talk to the other person but I just can’t. I just want to sleep and isolate; but I know if I do, depression will take over. So now I am becoming very frightened, scared and panic is setting in, I’m terrified that I’m relapsing, that I’m returning to that place I call hell. I can’t go there again, ever! I know now I have to see my doctor. I make my appointment.

The night before my doctor’s appointment, I sat down and tried to the best of my ability, to write what I thought he needed to hear, in order to help me.

Once inside his office, I sat and pulled out my letter of ‘confession’ and nervously let him hear what I was feeling. ‘My doctor appointment note’:

‘Lying in my restless bed last night, I turned over at least a thousand times. My appointment with my doctor this morning was enough to give anyone nightmares. I felt my life was on the line but how would I make him see that. And if he did, what good would it do, if any? Had my diagnosis been written in stone and this was my lot in life? Six months had gone by since my last appointment and here I was again, waiting impatiently in the waiting room.

What as happened in those six months that he would need to know and that I would need to tell him, in order for him to understand where I am today, in my somewhat mental health. I guess those pass six months have proven, I’m not suicidal because if I were, I would not be sitting in this chair today and he would have lost one of his many patients.

But how have I improved or declined since my last visit? Mental health isn’t as black or white as other physical illnesses and therefore much harder to explain and pinpoint. For me each day and everyday is a fight and a struggle to survive this war within. Some days very intense, others maybe not so intense, but a struggle none the less. It’s a fight to function, to move, to feel happiness, to perform. Some days I do fairly well, others not so well.

The last few weeks I have found myself spiraling downward into a deep hole of despair. Wanting to sleep more, to escape the pain. Longing just to feel okay. Not being afraid to face the day, just to know I can do this. But lots of my days I loose my fight, I run out of ammunition, there’s nothing left to fight with. I’m exhausted, tired, frustrated and lots of times hopelessness creeps in and tries to steal that little bit of ‘being’ that I have left. But I won’t let go, I hold on tight.

My pain becomes real through my tears. I have moments when I have to let them escape and let some of the pain go. Sometimes I think I feel healing in my tears. Some people may call that weakness but I call that strength. Keeping it all inside is weakness; not wanting or knowing what to do with the pain. Finding ways to cope, to heal, to be okay; is strength! On most days, that’s how I have functioned.

But the scary days come when you feel you are loosing control, when you are loosing your battle and you have no strength to fight back. That’s the scary days and that’s where I am today.’

I believe he heard me, he was listening. But I also believe that he knows that this is really what my life is, was and always will be. I will have good days and bad days, but I have to accept that that’s the way this illness works, much like any other illness, you have it and you just have to learn to live with it. Right now I feel really low but I have to believe that I will bounce back again. That the light will shine again, that the spark will come back into my eyes, my energy and drive will increase and life will be restored to my being.

I know what I have written is very personal and some would call private. But if I am going to be honest and expose this horrible disease for what it is, then I have to tell it like it is and hide nothing. Good days and bad days. If I have to sacrifice my own privacy to help others to see and feel this misunderstood, stigmatized and cruel disease, then I will do so.

Posted on

This Ugly Hell

Let me go for just five minutes, let the fetters that bind me be loosed. Let me feel that I’m okay, and not as fragile as what I feel. If I go outside my comfort zone, I  won’t fall apart. What’s it like to feel ‘normal’; I can’t remember.

The day wants me to just run and run; destination unknown. There is no where I can go to escape my tumultuous mind and find relief. Sleep helps but even in my sleep, my dreams haunt me with unforgettable terror. And in my subconscious mind I know I have to awake; awake to face the fears of another day.

The Goliaths of the day seem so defeating, I have no ammunition to fight back. I’ve been beaten down once too many times. My Goliath says, ‘stay down, don’t get up.’ But I can’t give up, there are those who depend on me, I have to keep fighting, to keep going. How many times do you have to be near defeat before you just give up and say, ‘I’ve had enough?’ The Goliaths of the day are not just my illness but in my family has an whole.

This battlefield in my mind, isn’t about my spirituality but my broken mind. A mind that is frightened to death, too afraid of living but even more fearful of dying. So I’m caught in the middle, in limbo, not really living life to it’s full potential but dying a slow torturous death. But wanting life, wanting purpose, wanting to feel human.

I remember those days when my mind and body were so sick, I just wanted to die. My brain was shut down and thus my body couldn’t function either. I was sick of trying medications that were of no benefit, giving me no reprieve, no hope. ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) had diminished what little brain function I had left.  When ECT failed, medications weren’t alleviating my symptoms, counselling and psychotherapy were not earth shattering but nothing that could really free my dying mind.

Life as never been the same and in all likelihood will never be the same again. We have experienced many life altering traumas. Every day of my journey of living with a mental illness, is a constant battle; a war that never ends. But learning to live with this broken mind is my only hope of surviving. I can put no dependence in the medical field to cure me (there is no cure) or even come close, nor do I expect someone else to take my pain.

Most days I feel I’m surviving because I have an hope in my Creator and there are days when I feel  nothing at all. But it’s those days that I hope in God that I feel I will survive this. I feel sad for people who are in my situation and suffer from a mental illness and have no hope at all. Where do they go? What do they do? Who do they turn to? I have hope because I have to believe there is a greater power then myself. And He will see me through,  even when I feel hopeless, when I feel helpless, when I feel all alone, when I feel defeated. I do have the hope that He is there with me and that keeps me going; one day at a time.

Many may say, ‘but you are a born again Christian. Why or how can you be feeling this way?’ It’s because when you become Christian you are not exempt from sickness. Jesus didn’t promise a life without trials and tribulations; what He did promise was to be with us through these storms and hardships. So I have to have faith that He is with me at all times, even when I am having a really bad day. Others may be thinking,’ but you have a beautiful family; a wife and two beautiful children. I do and I love them dearly but I also have an illness. For those who just don’t get it, that’s okay, maybe one day you will fall into the pit of depression and then you will know what I’m talking about, but I would not wish that for you; but none of us are exempt. It’s because I have a wonderful family that I  fight so hard to be well. If I had cancer, I would do the same. I would fight with everything I have in me to beat it. But sometimes we can fight and feel like we are loosing the battle.

Many days I  live in fear that I would have a relapse. But I try not to dwell on the ‘what if’s’ but live by faith, that the mercy and grace of God will see me through. Romans 8:37 ‘In all these things we are more then conquerors through Him that loved us’. So, I am a conqueror, I will fight, I will not give up! If you are reading this and you are suffering and in pain, let me encourage you today to put your trust and faith in the God who cannot fail.

Posted on

Living In A Well Of Sadness

Depression is known to affect 1 in 4 Canadians; an alarming statistic. And when you are the 1 included in that statistic doesn’t make you feel all that great. The other 3 in that statistic should feel fortunate and grateful that they are not included. It is not a place you would want to be. Living with clinical depression is like living in a well of sadness, a chronic feeling of bereavement that really never leaves you, there are days that are worse then others. No different really then someone living with a chronic physical pain; a constant yearning to just be free of the pain, just to experience that pain free moment when you could feel ‘normal’.

It’s unfortunate that we don’t get to decide if today is going to be okay or not. The constant battle to fight this unending war can sometimes find you irritated, exhausted and hopeless. Hopeless in the sense that you are not winning this war; no matter how hard you fight.

We are now living in that time of the year, what I call the ‘Season of Depression’. No, let me rephrase that and expose the ugly truth, ‘the Season of Suicide’. Why would I say something so alarming, it’s because it’s the truth. We are living in a Society where suicide as almost become a norm. So normal, that people rarely flinch anymore. Every week we can read headlines of some well known, high profile person (sad that its only those who make the headlines) end their life by suicide. Just today, January 19,2019, the headlines read, ‘..U.S figure skating champ, dead at 33’. His sister says, ‘ My wonderful, strong, amazing compassionate brother took his own life earlier today’. Just last week, my friend’s son took his own life. So very sad and no reasonable answers.

But for those family members left behind, may I say, ‘there’s no one to blame, no one to get angry at, there was nothing you missed or didn’t do’. This was a means to end the never ending torment and pain of the mind, a place to find peace, everlasting peace and to release everyone involved of the constant turmoil that this illness inflicts on all concerned.

Why am I speaking out about suicide? Why should I care?  What has suicide got to do with me? I want to talk about suicide because it is an illness, something goes terribly wrong in your thinking process where the only reasonable answer to your pain and the pain you have inflicted on your family, is to end your life. They do it for you and to find peace for themselves, to end the war that is raging from within.

We as a Society have the responsibility to end the stigma of mental illness and suicide. Let’s stop talking about it behind closed doors and let’s make it a public health concern. It’s then maybe something will be done about it. We have to stop using the word; ‘commit suicide’. Someone commits murder, someone commits rape; suicide is NOT a criminal concern. We have to change the way we look at suicide and realize that 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable mental illness at their time of death. We have to make this information and treatment available to everyone. I believe our Province of NL is far behind in this area and need to be held responsible and  accountable for why there is not more done. Especially when it comes to availability of in-hospital treatment and modern facilities and therapies. We need to give those who are suffering the option that there is hope.

I need to speak out about suicide because I have seen into the minds and thoughts of someone who is struggling to stay alive. I will not lie, I will tell you like it is; depression as driven me many times in my life to a place where I just did not want to live. The value of my life was brought down to worthless. I was drowning in a well of sadness. But I sought professional and spiritual help and to this day I am still here. A life that is very fragile, uncertain and unpredictable. Not unlike any other chronic illness, we have to take it one day at a time and live a life that is very cautious. And by that I mean; knowing my limits, being aware of my triggers, knowing when to say no and paying attention to my body and mind.

I know this is not a pleasant read, nor is living with a mental illness. By exposing myself in a transparent way is sometimes the only way for my readers to get a better understanding of this illness and also to help others who are living in this well of sadness. I won’t pretend that this is an easy road that I’ve travelled but by sharing doesn’t mean I’m weak but quite the contrary, it shows my strength. And you have that same strength within you, don’t give up, hope is just around the corner.

After Thought: I realize that my writings will never win me any popularity contest, no Academy Award, no Nobel Prize, quite the contrary. People will probably stigmatize me, disrespect me, judge me and condemn me. But my purpose in writing is to educate, tell it like it is, no more swiping it under the rug, speak the truth; holding nothing back. To help others and be a voice for those who suffer in silence. If my transparency can help just one person, provide a new way of looking at mental illness and break down the walls of stigma. Then I have succeeded in accomplishing what I sat out to do.

 

Posted on

‘The Most Happy Season Of All’

The magic of the Season fills the air. The all anticipated day is just around the corner. Kids are overflowing with excitement for the arrival of that big jolly soul; Santa Claus. And parents are in panic mode to find that perfect gift for their child. Christmas is here again for another year. But where as the time gone, it seems we only took down the Christmas tree from last year; only months ago. I think the older I get, the faster time flies. One thing that hasn’t really changed from last year is my battle with my mental illness; major depression and anxiety disorder. No matter what the season, it doesn’t go away. Hidden deep down in the recesses of my being is that ever lingering feeling of emptiness and sadness.

Of all the illnesses, and I am not saying one is worse then the other, but I am saying the only one that steals your happiness is depression. With all other illnesses you can still live a happy life, despite your illness and I realize that requires work but it can be done. But depression affects that part of your brain that controls your mood; whether you are happy or sad. If your brain’s serotonin levels are down, then this will affect just how happy or sad you are. Its not a matter of choice. That’s why I have to take a medication known as a SSRI. SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) block the reabsorption (reuptake) of serotonin in my brain, making more serotonin available to me. Medication may not be a cure but it certainly helps and I would encourage anyone dealing with depression to get medical help.

So during this ‘most happy season of all’,  for someone fighting this illness, sure makes it a little tougher to find that happy in the season. That doesn’t mean I will not share in the fun and spirit of Christmas; I will certainly have to work a little harder to participate in all it has to offer. But I will do it, in spite of my illness. It will not steal all of my Christmas cheer, nor will I allow it to take the memories that we will make during this Christmastime.

To all of you out there that are fighting your own battles; mental illnesses, physical illnesses, cancer, loss of a loved one; whatever it may be, may you embrace the ‘Reason for the Season’. That being the birth of a Saviour, who came to be the light of the World. May you feel the light beams of His loving arms surrounding you this Christmas Season. And remember, God loves you, know matter what your circumstances may be right now. We can find some happiness in the Season; this ‘Most Happy Season of all’. 

Posted on

Different and Isolated

It’s late November, a very misty,foggy, mild day. But it’s November, where’s the white blanket of snow and the cold frosty air? Oh right, we’re in Newfoundland where the seasons change every ten minutes, but I’m not complaining because shovelling snow is not my idea of fun. The push is on now to get the Christmas decorating done and that takes me forever because I can only do a little at a time. If I tried to do it all at once, I would just get overwhelmed and my anxiety would go through the roof.

It’s kind of ironic the things we take for granted because there was a time when those kind of tasks didn’t trigger my anxiety; it was total enjoyment. But now I have to work a little harder at keeping anxiety under control and that requires work on my part, which exhaust me and steals the joy from the things that once I so much enjoyed. I know that’s hard for some people who haven’t suffered from major anxiety to understand, and that’s okay. But my goal here is to educate those who don’t ‘get it’ and to let those who do ‘get it’ to know that they are not alone.

This illness is so disabling and crippling (major depression and anxiety) that it makes you feel like you’re different, you’re not normal, you’re flawed; that you’re going around trying to imitate everyone else that you think is ‘normal’. Trying so desperately just to fit in. But truthfully, there are so many times that I feel I just don’t fit in, I’m different. And that feeling is so isolating.

Since Lauren was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and I’m not comparing the two for similarities but it gives me a better understanding of what different and isolated really feels like. No matter what you think or say, there is still such an enormous stigma that is attached to a wheelchair. Just for example sake; it was just yesterday we went to a birthday party with Lauren. And just for the moment I began to observe how the other children interacted with her. And I realized that a lot of them, not all, were staring at her like she had some contagious disease, like they had never seen a wheelchair before in their lives. And no, this was not just my thinking but when we left, Lisa pointed out the same observance. It was very sad, especially in today’s society where kids are exposed to so much but yet still looked at Lauren as if she was different. And yes she is different but no different then a kid that was wearing glasses, hearing aids, kids with diabetes or me with my mental illness. In one way or another we are all different, I guess some differences we just can’t see, and because we can’t see them they are looked upon as ‘normal’. So sad but yet so true.

I guess for us it’s accepting the fact that that’s the way things are. And some things will never change, no matter how much we try to educate and no matter how much we advocate, some things will never fully change. We just have to embrace those who do and accept those who don’t ‘get it’. And realize that there are still those out there living in their perfect world, with their arrogance and ignorance and for those we will say a little prayer.

 

Posted on

Rewrite Your Blueprint

I think I lost the blueprint for my life. The life I have is so blurred and out of my control that I feel lost in the whirlwind and I’m just spinning on an hamster wheel and getting nowhere. I believe when we’re young and full of anticipation of what we want in life, what we will be in life, we dream big. And there’s nothing wrong with that except sometimes those dreams don’t always happen the way we planned, the blueprint we had planned and designed for our life gets lost and we are left disappointed, frustrated and unhappy.

I believe that the greatest need within all of us is just to be accepted, loved and to belong. Our blueprint is not all about what our careers will be, although that’s a big part of the plan. And lots of times when we’re young our dreams of what we think we will do or become don’t even come close to what we thought it would be. Seasons change and so do we. Sometimes that change happens naturally and willingly, other times it can happen through unforeseen circumstances that are out of our control.

When I was in High School, many decades ago; I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. And if I did know, my plans would have come to an abrupt halt, when I had a (what they called then) ‘nervous breakdown’. I became disabled to a point of not being able to function, this went on for months. So already my blueprint was shattered and torn. Every decision I made after that was always affected or altered by my illness. I felt so alone, dictated by my illness and afraid. Afraid that any decision I made for my life would awaken my ugly, sleeping lion within me.

But I knew I had to move on in spite of my illness. So I planned a blueprint for my life with what I had, a life with limitations. But I couldn’t let my illness control my life entirely, I had to move on. I completed my high school education and went on to College. And for approximately thirty years I owned and operated my own business. Easy right? Not at all, I had several episodes of depression and anxiety throughout those years but still functioned and carried out the  plans of my blueprint.

For years marriage and children were never part of my blueprint. But then in my thirties, this beautiful young lady walked into my life and I knew I had to redesign my blueprint; my plans had changed. And on August 9,1997 we were married. We lived an amazing life, moved to St.John’s where we lived for fifteen years and had two beautiful children.

Yet under all this amazing life as we knew it, loomed my ugly, unpredictable illness that I had kept under control with medication for all those years. But then it happened; nothing was able to tame this roaring lion within and it lunged into full force. This attack left me disabled both mentally and physically. It destroyed everything in my life, every area of my life was affected. I was left for dead, with no will to live. My blueprint was burned to ashes.

Almost six years have passed, I had to redesign a brand new blueprint for my life. A blueprint that I would never had imagined I’d ever be designing; where I am and who I am is so far from where I thought I would be at this season of my life.

Bitterness and self pity often knock at my door, but I can’t let them in. They would just make my life worse and that’s certainly not what I need. I’ve began to realize I need to redesign my blueprint of what I think my life should be. My blueprints of the past are gone, I have to stop dwelling on what they were and design a new blueprint. A blueprint that is based on what I have right now, whether that be good or bad, a blueprint that is not crystal clear anymore. And when my life feels like it’s spinning out of control, I have to sit down at my drawing table and start designing a life for this moment, for today. And throw  away or discard those old blueprints of where I thought I would be and be content with where I am at this season of my life.

So if you are like me and your blueprint for your life, is not so perfect, it’s not at all what you had planned. It’s best we stop fighting what we think it should be and redesign a new set of blueprints. Accept the reality of what is, and learn to enjoy what we do have and stop dwelling on what we think our life should be. Even if that means giving up on that misguided dream.

 

Posted on

Hanging By A Thread

I feel like I lost my ability to write; I just stare at my paper and nothing happens. Not that there’s nothing to write about, maybe just that there’s too much going through this head of mine and I don’t know how to express it anymore. Almost like, what’s the point? Who’s listening? Who cares? The last few days have been tough, and I mean tough, unexplainable tough.

When you struggle/suffer from a mental illness, it just doesn’t go away when you will it to or want it to. When you awake in the morning, you don’t choose how you are going to feel today, you just hope that it’s going to be a good one. Well, the last couple of days have not been good ones, you feel like you’re hanging by a thread and if you let go you are going to fall into this dark hole, a bottomless pit and you just keep falling.

The symptoms of depression and anxiety are so crippling and disabling. Everything I do I have to push myself, the everyday tasks are never simple or enjoyable. The overwhelming fear and inability makes them nearly impossible to do. You want to hide, to isolate; just escape. But you can do neither, life happens, life still goes on and I have to move along with it, in spite of it all. Whether I feel like it or not; it as to be done and I do it. I guess I’m stronger then I think I am because when I’m at a low, I have no idea how I can move on. But I do!

I’m tired of performing, exhausted from the fight, laden with the burdens, the load is just too heavy to carry. What are my options? Give up? Keep fighting? In my human strength, I would have given up a long time ago. But that still small voice keeps reminding me, ‘I got this, just leave it up to me’. And I try with every ounce of strength that I have left in me, and at times that’s pretty limited, to put my trust in the God, who when I’m feeling low, seems so far away. But I know He’s there, He’s got to be, there are no other answers; only He can provide what I need. So when I’m hanging by a thread, it’s the hem of His garment.

Posted on

Never Take Today For Granted

To say that the last few days have been anything but wonderful, would be an understatement. Nothing as changed in my life that would trigger a flare up of my anxiety and depression. It just happens, I have no control over my illness when it decides to control my mind and body.

Yes, I did say, ‘mind and body’. This illness affects every aspect of your life, and some days leaving you crippled and disabled. Confined to the most inner core of your brain and leaving your body paralyzed as it were and difficult to move. Trying desperately to move and fight this war within. When on your very bad days you just want to give up, lie down and sleep away your emotional pain. But I cannot always do that, my anxiety makes it very difficult to relax even enough to fall to sleep. When my eyes open to the morning light, I cannot just lie there and enjoy the warmth and comfort of my bed, my thoughts would run away with me; so in order to not over think things, I have to get up and move. Staying there in my cozy bed would only exasperate my symptoms and make me feel worse. Getting up and moving is the best thing I could do for myself and everyone around me.

Hobbies certainly help in the control of my illness. But when I am really low, hobbies are the last thing I want to do. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to just take a break from it all. But I can’t let this break last too long because if I did nothing for extended periods of time, it would only increase my depression and anxiety. So I have to give myself a little pep talk, then a kick and try as best I can to get back on track. None of which comes easy for someone with a mental illness but life is not always about being easy.  The mental fatigue that comes with this disorder drains you of any physical energy that you may have, thus leaving you depleted and exhausted.

Life’s everyday responsibilities and demands put so much pressure on us to perform. Even for someone that is well; that can get overwhelming. But for someone struggling day in and day out with a mental disorder, it can seem impossible to do. So I can only do what I can and no more. I have learned how to say, ‘no’ and I know my limitations. My first priority is my family and I try desperately to be the best father and husband that I can be, in spite of my limitations and I know there are times I fail but I do give all that I have and sometimes because of my illness, that is just not enough. But I have to accept that I can do no more then what my mind and body allows. When you do your best, with what you have, you can do no more.

Today I pray will be a better day, I never give up on hope. And when I do get a good day, I give it all I got and enjoy it to it’s fullest. Because we never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Never take today for granted because our lives can change in a moment.

Posted on

A Mind That Tries To Die

It’s an early, Fall morning and I just got Logan off to school. I walk in the house, after coming back from Logan’s bus stop, and there’s not a sound, total deading silence. Lisa and Lauren are still sleeping, probably after another restless night of Lauren being in her body cast. It seems she gets her best sleep in the morning. So I, not wanting to wake them, decide to sit at my desk and quietly play with my iphone. I had no intentions of writing but changed my busy mind when I scrolled upon a post that read, “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die”.

If there ever was the perfect  description of what depression is, because it is very difficult to describe in words, this would be the perfect description. I have lived a lifetime of battling this illness and doing so mostly in silence. It’s only in recent years that I have chosen to speak openly and honestly about my depressive disorder. I have on more then one occasion prayed to God, to just let me die. To escape the pain and hell I was enduring at that moment, to free my family of having to live with the torment, fear, and worry that I had inflicted on them from having this illness and lastly to finally have peace of my own. To not have to live in constant torment, to not have to live with a mind that would not stop to rest, to quiet that inner voice that would not shut up. Even to this day,I still struggle, maybe not to the extent that I have in the past; but I still struggle. I would be lying to you if I said I weren’t. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have and my faith in God.

To get back to where I am today, did not come easy and I have to work each day to be the best that I can be. Living a ‘normal’ life with a mental illness does not come naturally or easily but with a lot of endurance, courage, strength and faith. If you are reading this and you can relate or ‘get it’, let me just share with you some words of wisdom that I have learned from having depression and have helped me to survive.

Let go of the PAST! No matter how painful that past may  have been, holding on to it will not make you feel any better. It will just keep eating away at you, mouthful by mouthful, until there’s nothing left. Letting go doesn’t  mean that you’ll forget but letting go gives you permission to live the life you have today, at it’s best. So let’s live today, live for the moment, it’s what we have; this moment.

Let’s stop worrying about other people’s opinions and judgments of us. We are, who we are, we are unique and that is not a bad thing. Stop ‘people pleasing’ , we will never please everybody and when we do, we free ourselves to live our own best life and not have to constantly be concerned about what someone else thinks.

Believe in yourself. And let’s not limit our beliefs to what other’s tell us. Believe in something because you know it’s right, not because someone else told you too. You have the power within yourself to form your own belief system. Doing so will release the power to live your best life. Believe in you, you are worth it!

Relationships; be very selective, cautious and aware of who you allow into your life. Relationships sometimes can ‘break’ you and that be a friendship or an emotional (love) attachment. If we need someone else to “complete” us, then we are walking a dangerous road. Having said that, relationships are a part of life and we certainly need them to enhance our lives. We certainly need them for love, support and companionship. If there are people in our lives that only bring negativity, then maybe we should rethink that relationship.

Don’t base your self worth on the worth of your bank account. If I did that, I would probably be worthless. Don’t let the decisions in our lives be made by money but by following our hearts. I had to come to terms with this when I became unable to work. It’s only now that I realize my worth is not based on my income. But what truly matters is my heart’s worth. I could have all the money in the world and still live a miserable life. And I could be the poorest in the world financially but be the richest on the inside.

And lastly my greatest means of survival has been my faith. A faith not based on any worldly contribution but a faith based solely on God ( not a god). And that being a God that is not confined to the four walls of a Church but a God who holds the Universe in His hands. A God that loved me when I did not love myself, a God that loves me unconditionally, just as I am.

So today if you are fighting to survive, with a mind that wants to die. Be encouraged, you are stronger then you think, there is hope, on your most hopeless days. Don’t give up, the sun will shine again!

 

Posted on

8 Things That Plague My Life Because Of Mental Illness

Mental illness, like any other illness, brings with it many changes and things that we have to cope with on a day to day basis. We have to take these changes and learn to live with them and not allow them to consume our every moment. If at all possible, we have to accept them and realize that no matter what happens we can live, in spite of everything.

  1. Completing a task that once seemed so simple. Most simple task that we all perform on a daily basis, we don’t even think about; we just do them.  Driving on the highway (something I haven’t done for 6 years now) the fear itself paralyzes me. Every task that I perform I will now replay over and over in my mind.
  2. Being unable to work. “Not working, I do not work, I cannot work.” Now that makes me angry; I worked for 28 years and loved it (most times). It now makes me feel so worthless. I wish I could, there’s nothing I need more, both for my mental health and for the income that we so desperately need. It seems so simple but for me it seems impossible. 
  3. Fatigue! Whether from my medication, mental fatigue or just plain exhaustion from fighting to be okay. Tiredness is an everyday occurrence that controls what you can or can’t do in  your day.
  4. Isolating! Days when you feel like hiding away or not coming out of your bedroom (but that’s not an option for me). Sometimes you just want to hide “YOU” from the world or vice versa
  5. .’Zoning Out’. I’ll just kind of withdraw from a conversation I was holding and zone out, unblinking, staring blankly at nothing. Maybe sitting in a room of people and totally separating yourself from everyone and everything in the room and creating your space in your mind.
  6. Sighing!  Everyone thinks I’m angry or frustrated all of the time, when really I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed. And sighing is just a release of negative energy.
  7. Losing my “Train of Thought”. I can lose my train of thought mid-sentence and often forget very common words. My mind just goes blank and I fumble for the word. Many times I have to be reminded of where I was and what I was talking about. This could be both frustrating and humiliating.
  8. Memory! I believe we can all forget things at one time or another. But for me there are blocks of my life that I forgot. Details that I can never recall. A song that once I probably knew every word; I now have to trust to writing the words on paper because I cannot depend on my memory anymore. Maybe it’s best I do not remember some things, maybe I don’t remember for a reason.

These are just a few things that my illness as plagued my life with, there are many more. But I have tried, to the best of my ability, to live above my illness. It’s one moment, one hour and one day at a time; it’s what we have. We cannot live in the past, we cannot dwell on the future but we can live for the moment!