Tag: Mental illness

Posted on

A Little Nudge

Months, weeks, days have passed, like a feather in the wind; here one second, gone the next. It’s like I went in hiding and I guess in one way I did. I loss interest and motivation in everything, anything I did was forced. Mental illness raised it’s ugly head and held me in it’s grip and wouldn’t let me go.

I had a therapy plan, a plan that I created to help me through the days of depression and anxiety. It certainly wasn’t a cure but for the most part it worked or helped at least. With depression and anxiety, you don’t pick and choose what day or days you are not going to be well; it just happens! Some days are fairly good while others could be torturous. And then there are those times when you just shut down, as it were.

I painted for sanity sake but what brought me peace turned into turmoil. I couldn’t hold my brush and still can’t but I know I will again, when the time is right. But right now painting is just too overwhelming. Ironic isn’t it, what once brought me peace and enjoyment; now scares me to death. This is what I call; mental illness!

Another part of my homemade therapy plan was, I played two fictional characters; live on Facebook. I loved it, it was fun, I enjoyed making others laugh. And I believe it took all our minds off the dreaded pandemic of the corona virus, that had shut down our world. But then, just like a light went out, I couldn’t do it anymore. No matter how much I wanted to perform; I couldn’t. Depression destroys who you are and you have very little control over it. I fought everyday and still fighting to keep going. With this illness there is no rest for the weary; you are in a constant battle to have some form of normalcy. But some days I just don’t win; I trust.

And lastly, my therapy plan included writing my blog (www.harrislisa72.com). Today is the first time I’ve held my pen for weeks or maybe months. I had so much to say, so much hurt to release, so much discouragement to share but I could not! The pain I felt could not be written. But today I feel it’s time to write. There are so many that are hurting, in pain and feel alone. I just want to encourage you that you can get through whatever it is you are experiencing today.  Our pain and tribulations may be great but ‘God is Greater!’

Over the years of struggling with this illness, I’ve had many reasons to give up, to give in and just call it quits. But I have not, with God’s help. I’m reminded many days of Job’s wife in Job 2:9 when she said to Job after he had endured many afflictions, losses, tribulations. She said, ‘…curse God, and die.’ But Job’s reply was, no matter what he had to endure; he said, ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ So no matter what we are experiencing, no matter how long we’ve been afflicted; we still have to trust in Him. He will bring us through.

I believe that God could have healed me a thousand times over but He didn’t choose to. He has another plan, something I cannot see, but that’s what having trust is; placing my life in His hands, knowing that He is in control. Because God as allowed me to go on in my illness for years, I have reason to be angry, to feel abandoned, forsaken and to question God. But I know that I cannot feel this way, it would serve no purpose and destroy the faith that I do have.  So no matter what happens I will still trust in Him and I will endure onto the end.

Then to add fuel to the fire the worldwide pandemic, the corona virus or covid-19, invaded the world. Now I knew I was in real trouble, anyone suffering from mental illness, any major change could bring on a relapse or intensify, your already existing symptoms. Then came the guidelines by the NL Government to contain and stop the spread of this deadly virus. Some of these guidelines were the complete opposite of what I needed to help keep my mental health under control. The guidelines that bothered me the most was, ‘stay home’ limiting contact with others to my immediate household bubble. I know all of the guidelines were for my good but for me it brought on panic, fear  and isolation. And then there was social distancing, I love touch, hugging and here I was being told to keep my distance of six feet. This was rough and is still rough today because this nightmare is not over, no matter how much we think it is.

I pray my blogs are, an encouragement and a little nudge to go on. I know there are so many days that going on is the last thing we feel like doing. No matter what your pain is, no matter what you are going through; you got this! As tough as it is, you can do it!

 

Posted on

A Bad Day

The sound of morning whispers in my ears. I don’t want to hear it’s haunting sounds because I know before my eyes open that this is going to be a not so good day, in other words, a bad day! Lord, how can I cope with another mesmerizing day; exhaustion and fatigue weigh heavily on my whole being. Brain fog, envelopes my whole head and every thought as to pass through a cloud of dense fog. The fog distorts each thought and nothing makes sense. I’m going to have a bad day (that’s not speculating) and yet the day hasn’t  begun.

But maybe this once I’ll be wrong; I wish that were the case. But I know before my eyes open, what my day will be. It doesn’t matter if everything that happens today is positive and good; that will not change how I’m feeling. My mental illness dictates what the day will be. I have no real way to describe what this illness feels like because there are no words that can really do it justice. If you have read my blog at www.harrislisa72.com, you’ll know I have practically used every word in the English language to try and describe how this mental illness feels. And I may come close but it seems impossible to describe something that you cannot touch. Much like an artist trying to capture an evening sunset; but doing so with eyes closed.

It’s one of the most difficult things I have to do; to admit that I’m having a bad day. A bad day brings with it, much emotional distress, now for a fifty-five year  old man to admit that there is literally water/tears running from my eyes.,  takes courage and strength. I have no desire to do anything and what I do, takes much effort. And then there is the shame that comes with  having a bad day. Having to admit to others that you are having a not so good day, can be embarrassing and shameful. But it’s all part of the illness; it is what it is.;

The past several weeks have been horrible, a nightmare in itself. Something from a Stephen King horror movie. The world was introduced to ‘the virus’ that basically shut down the world. The outbreak originated in China and spread from there. As of March 13, 2020, there were nearly 148,000 cases globally and more than 81,000 cases in China, with cases in every continent except Antarctica. Scientists are continuing to study the virus and work on treatments, including a vaccine. The actual name of the virus is covid19 or coronavirus. All our lives have been turned upside down and forever changed. We had to learn a new language as it were; new words were introduced on a daily basis. Such terminology as; social distancing, self isolation, pandemic, asymptomatic (no symptoms),symptomatic (exhibiting symptoms), flattening the curve, bubble, double bubble, etc.. This one thing we know and that is, Covid19 is a pandemic that as touched us all, not just Canada, but the world. On May 7,2020 the total cases of covid19 in Canada was 63,895.

When you suffer from mental illness; any extra stress or change in your life, can trigger and bring to life  many symptoms of my illness. The pass few weeks have been no doubt, very challenging,  unpredictable and uncertain due to the coronavirus. It has certainly taken it’s toll on my mental health. For our protection against this virus, the  Government as implemented various guidelines to stop the spread of the virus. I know these guidelines are for our own good but for someone suffering from a mental illness, some of these restrictions are exactly what we have been told by our own physicians, not to do, in order to improve our own mental health. An example of this would be to ; stay home, self distancing and self isolation. To which I totally carry out, but it sure as played havoc on my mental well being. When trying to improve your mental health, isolation is not something we need. We are encouraged to be around people, to get out of the house as much as possible. But this virus as  kept us from doing just that and therefore it can increase our depression and anxiety. Virtual media helps but it certainly isn’t the same as human touch and personal interaction. But I totally understand that we have to follow the guidelines set out for us, in order to stop the spread of this pandemic.

It’s evening now, the darkness of the night wraps me like a warm, cozy blanket. Night is my friend, my time of reprieve, my escape. I have fought my battles of the day and survived. But this doesn’t happen without a price, fatigue and exhaustion leave me lifeless. Medication aids in closing my weary eyes and shutting down my tormented mind. I pray for peace and calm as I drift off into another world.

 

Posted on

The Silent Killer

I wouldn’t say that Winter is my most favourite time of the year. The freezing cold, slippery streets and sidewalks, back breaking shovelling of the snow and the claustrophobic confinement inside your home because of a monstrous snowstorm. None of which make for the ideal situation for someone suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I would call Winter, ‘One big trigger for mental illness.’ And then there’s the relentless hours of darkness, where daylight savings time is at it’s cruelest.  We require, as human beings, a certain amount of daylight each day in order to produce enough vitimin D, which  in turn increases our mood and helps combat anxiety and depression; that’s not always possible this time of the year.

But I’ve been doing fairly well and by fairly well, I don’t mean cured. But it’s been managable for the most part, with a lot of daily work; it certainly doesn’t  happen naturally. But at least I can function, to a certain degree. This functioning level recently was misinterpreted falsely by someone’s ignorance and boldness. When she stated in an email that I was more then capable of working and that I shouldn’t burden my family, friends and Community with the financial responsibility of Lauren’s needs. Our hearts were broken and torn that someone could be so cruel and insensitive.

In reality I have no obligation to explain the status of my health to the general public. Nor do I need public clearance for when I go back to work. I think this would be my doctor’s area of expertise and the public should keep their opinions and comments to themselves. It’s really sad that I feel the need to even justify my illness. I guess that’s why it’s sometimes referred to as the ‘hidden/silent killer.’ It’s an illness that you don’t always see on the outside. And when I go in public I’ve mastered how to act ‘normal’ despite an abnormal illness. The public will never see my worst days; it’s those days I hide; I isolate. But in the end , it lends significantly to the public’s misconceptions about the severity of my illness because just maybe what they are seeing and what the reality of my illness is, are two different things.

I’m telling this because it’s easy to judge a person’s well being on what you see; and you certainly cannot diagnose the severity of my illness or the wellness of my being by what you see. But when you see me, you aren’t seeing all of me. I write this because I want people to understand that when someone looks okay on the outside, certainly doesn’t mean that eveything is fine on the inside. Sometimes we are so quick to judge someone else and to dictate what we think is right for that person. But if we don’t walk in their shoes, we have no right to judge that person. So if we can’t say something nice about someone, it’s best to say nothing at all. And for a lot of people that is near impossibe to do. I have to live with this illness, every fighting day of my life; as does so many others who are fighting this battle called mental illness.

I believe (I know) we have been the topic of conversation around many supper tables. I have never experienced such cruelty, gossip and backbiting in all my life.  And the topic of conversation being our fundraising efforts in order to give our six years old little girl, who has cerebral palsy, and who’s needs far outway the needs of a ‘normal’ child. We were told we were a burden to others and society. It’s attacks like this that make it near impossible for us to live a normal life. Life is hard enough as it is while trying to raise a child with a disability, 24/7 365days a year and no government funding. But then to have to deal with such cruelty, added stress and humilitation is beyond humane.

But we will move forward, with courage, strength and hope; despite adversity, hatred and insensitivety. We are so grateful for those in our lives who support us with their love, compassion and encouragement. It’s those people that help us each day to put one foot in front of the other, without them we could not survive. I am sorry that I have to write such a disturbing blog but I feel exposure is the best and only remedy.

Posted on

Defining Depression

How do you put on paper what your heart is yearning to say? Words are just that; words! But putting those words in a sentence that makes sense and expresses how you feel, well that’s not so easy to do. Words can only speak, but only the heart can truly feel what it is you truly want to express. I have tried so desperately to portray my thoughts and feelings in my Blog: www.harrislisa72.com entitled; ‘Life and Times of The Tuckers.’ With the caption attached; ‘Living with depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine.’ I have written a total of 173 posts/blogs on this website and I feel I have only scratched the surface (written from January 2017-November 2019).

I won’t lie to you and tell you that life is wonderful and easy. When I’m having a very bad day, and I’m just referring here to my depression and anxiety, life is anything but wonderful and easy. Each moment of the day is a fight, a fight to just survive. Each day is a challenge, nothing comes easy anymore, not even the little things. I would just like to elaborate on some defining symptoms of this battlefield of the mind.

For me, when my pain is so intense, I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, that’s what depression can do to you, but yet I don’t want to die either. The constant pain and torment lessens your will to live. It would be so much easier to die and escape this living hell. But yet deep down, you really know that’s not what you really want. You just want to live, but really live without the constant struggle to survive. Life should be so much more then just surviving. I’ve often said to my doctor, ‘if this is living, then I am not living.’ Depression steals the joy, enthusiasm, your reason for living, your purpose; it steals ‘YOU’! And everyday you are constantly trying to find that ‘you’ that once you were. He’s in there somewhere but just can’t seem to escape the prison of the mind.

Depression can be defined as the overpowering need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There’s the inability to socialize, the wanting to just hide under a rock. That outgoing, social ‘icon’ that once I was is now turned into somewhat of a recluse. But that is the last thing I want, the last thing I need. When you suffer from depression you feel totally alone, you could be in a crowded room but feel like you are the only person there. Lonely is your constant companion. But we know we are created for companionship, we  crave affection and love. Living in isolation will only make our depression worse and that is why I need people around me, a form of support.

And then there’s the worse part of the day; the morning! A major defining symptom of depression is the fear of the day to come. How am I ever going to survive it? Constant fatigue and tiredness overwhelms my body and mind. I wonder how I can get out of bed, but then I say; ‘Okay God, it’s me and you, I can’t do this alone. So let’s do this! And the day begins. On the not so good days, I long for night to come. I know then, I have survived another day. Maybe sleep will provide an escape; a reprieve. And yet in spite of my depression and anxiety, I live my best life with what I have and try to make the best of everyday.

I can define/describe depression in so many other ways; living in a dark hole, loss of memory and concentration, having no desire to do the things you once loved to do. Depression has the power to redefine who you are (if you let it); It can consume your every thought and lessen you to a different person; to someone who as lost all confidence in oneself, convincing you that you are worthless and useless. No matter how hard I try, life becomes unbearable and overwhelming to a point where you don’t know how you can go on. But you know in reality, that is your illness talking; it distorts your thinking patterns.  The American Psychiatric Association defines major depressive disorder as ‘a common and serious MEDICAL illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.’

We are presently experiencing the ‘Season to be Jolly.’ I love Christmas, a little too much sometimes; I don’t know when to stop decorating. I was warned to tone it down this year, but how do ‘I’ tone down Christmas? My idea of toning it down is someone else’s idea of being overdone, too funny! But that’s not what Christmas is all about, there’s more to it then just decorations. For a lot of people Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s that time of the year when we are expected to be happy, joyful and glad. But what if we suffer from depression and anxiety; Christmas can be an enormous trigger. It can trigger so many symptoms of depression; loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiousness; all for various reasons. I pray this Christmas that all who suffer from mental illness, will feel the peace that came to earth on that first Christmas morning. Isaiah 9:6 ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, THE PRINCE OF PEACE.’

Posted on

If You Just Wait And See

It’s that time of year when God takes out His paintbrush and paints the most beautiful, vibrant colors of Fall. It’s even difficult for a picture or painting to even capture the real beauty that He as created. It’s best viewed with the naked eye, the beauty of nature in it’s purist form. Some may look at Fall as a season of dying; the leaves are fading, they fall and they die. But without this season of dying, we would not experience the season of new life, new beginnings, new growth; Spring. Just as there are four seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer, in our yearly cycle. There are many seasons of our life; birth, new life, death, dying, happy, sad. But all make up the cycle of life and we all experience each one at some point in our lives.

Having a mental illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) sometimes feels like you are stuck in one season of your life forever and that season doesn’t change. The season of sadness, grief, loss, hopelessness and despair. It’s a season of nearly complete darkness, there’s very little light, the sun seldom shines and when it does, it is filtered by the clouds. I have experienced this season many times in my life and most days I have to fight to find the light, fight to see the sunshine, just fight, fight every day.

Most days my only reprieve or escape is sleep. But even then, my sleep is so disturbed that it’s like I’m not sleeping at all and I awake exhausted. This week as been one of my better weeks I’ve had in months. There’s been mornings when I awake and I realize that I slept fairly well and that awful dreaded feeling is not there. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in months. I’m praying that God will give me more of these mornings. Mornings when I don’t have to force myself out of bed but mornings that I want to get out, there’s nothing I want anymore for myself then to just feel ‘normal’. When nothing is forced, it just comes naturally, life doesn’t appear to be impossible to live, the every day tasks of life doesn’t overwhelm me to a point of panic. That’s all I ask, nothing more.

I am so thankful today for the support that I have , some living far away, especially  my family who I know have always held me close to their hearts, even when we are separated by distance. And I know I’ve probably caused them so much worry and concern but that’s what  sickness does. And I can’t apologize for that because if I could take away this illness, I would in an heartbeat. And then there are friends that God as placed in my life, friends that I have not met by chance but by divine intervention. They have helped me through some very dark places and today I’m still here because of their support. My mental illness as strained my relationship with my wife and children. It can destroy the best of marriages and steal the best of times with your children. But I have worked so hard to be aware, to be conscious of the damaging effects this illness can have on us. So I have fought, with what I have and with all that is within me to be the best that I can be. And sometimes maybe I have fallen short, but it’s not because I haven’t tried and I’m sure all of us are guilty at times of not reaching the mark.

I was encouraged this morning by a message I received ( and I won’t mention any names, but you know who you are) and I won’t repeat the message because it was met for my ears. But I will share my response because I believe it came directly from my heart. It was a God moment! And my message said, “Thanks for your encouraging words. When you have lived a lifetime with a mental illness, It beats you down to a point where you feel you are nothing and can do nothing. But I KNOW that God doesn’t make nobodies, He makes somebodies! And I’m a somebody because of Him. And my talent is a gift from Him and I give Him all the praise and thanks. And I also thank Him because I have such supportive people in my life like you! Love you! And thanks!” When you have a mental illness it is imperative that you have a support system. It’s one illness that isolates you and makes you feel you are all alone in an overpopulated world. But with support and encouragement from family and friends, you can make it through any season of your life. I am living proof.

So no matter what season of life you may be in at this present moment; just know that seasons change, they do not last forever. If you are in the bitter cold of winter, spring is just around the corner; if you just wait and see!!

Posted on

ASHAMED

It’s been weeks and I have written nothing. Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I couldn’t lift that pen and start letting my pain flow onto the paper. I was ashamed of how I was feeling, ashamed that my depression swept over me like constant grief. I was like someone grieving over death and my grief was not getting any easier. So rather then writing about my depression/grief, I tried to hide it on the inside. I had shared my illness in countless blogs before and here I  am years later and still struggling. I was ashamed, ashamed that I can’t beat this beast within my prisoned mind. But then I realized, that’s why I have to write, to enlighten those reading, just what living with depression is like. It’s not always something that is here today and gone tomorrow. No, mine as lasted a lifetime. A lifetime of fighting, a lifetime of being ashamed.

I have had moments when I thought that shame was gone, times when I felt I had nothing to be ashamed of. But depression is not that forgiving, it will remind me over and over again. It will remind me until it as me beaten down so far, that all I want to do is hide it and suffer in silence. Well, once again here I am, fighting back! Fighting back with the little bit of fight that I have left in me.

My very good friend reminded me of just how brave someone is, that is fighting a mental illness. It’s in the words of this poem by Lana Rafaela;

I Think It’s Brave

I think it’s brave that you get up

in the morning even if your soul is weary

and your bones ache for a rest.

I think it’s brave that you keep on living

even if you don’t know how to anymore.

I think it’s brave that you push

away the waves rolling in every day

and you decide to fight.

I know there are days when you

feel like giving up but I think it’s brave

that you never do.

But there are some moments when I do give up. Moments when I just can’t fight anymore. Moments when hidden away behind closed doors; I just loose it and cry out to God, ‘I just can’t do this anymore’. I guess in some way, God reaches down and pulls me to my feet and says, ‘Now go fight, I am with you.’ And I do!

It seems the headlines almost everyday is filled with issues pertaining to mental illness. One such headline I read recently stated, ‘Pastor and Mental Health Advocate Jarrid Wilson Dies by Suicide’. (Notice they didn’t say, ‘committed suicide’, committed implies you performed an illegal act, for instance; you commit murder). Jarrid suffered from depression and often posted on social media about his own battles with the mental illness. His wife posted on Instagram; ‘ No more pain, my Jerry, no more struggle. You are made complete and you are finally free’. Prior to his passing he wrote a post encouraging followers to remember that even though loving Jesus doesn’t cure illnesses such as depression, PTSD or anxiety, Jesus does offer companionship and comfort. He confides that he had dealt with ‘severe depression throughout most of his life and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions.’ In his summer blog post, Jarrid challenged the idea some Christians have that those who die by suicide are condemned to hell.’

I’m quoting from an article published by Christianity Today. ‘Christians wouldn’t tell someone with a physical illness like cancer they are going to hell because of their diagnosis, he noted. Neither should they assume it of people with mental illnesses, which can lead many people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do if they didn’t struggle.’

“Those who say suicide automatically leads to hell obviously don’t understand the totality of mental health issues in today’s world, let alone understand the basic theology behind compassion and God’s all consuming grace,’ he said.

We must do better at educating people on things they have a hard time wrapping their heads around. And mental health is definitely a topic  Christians around the world must yearn to better understand.’ It’s then we will be less quick to judge and swifter to be the arms of Jesus, showing compassion and tenderness without prejudice.

I am so thankful for the gift that God as bestowed upon me to be a mental health advocate. Having a first hand experience with mental illness myself has given me the drive, the passion, the compassion, the determination to break down the walls of stigma and judgement that is still so prevalent in our world today. This gift as not come without its consequences, misconceptions, losses, misunderstandings, isolation and hurts. But I believe that’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23).’ To follow Jesus was going to cost us something; the cross was not going to be easy to carry. This was not going to be a road of ease, feel good or prosperity path.

And so today I am still struggling, I still hurt, I still feel pain, I still have days that I can’t go on but I do. And for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about; I pray for God’s grace and healing for all of us. Let’s go on, we can do this!

Posted on

CLOSING MY BLOG

These past few weeks for me have been an overwhelming sea of depression, panic and anxiety. My illness as so desperately tried to destroy me, to a point of where I just wanted to give up and not fight anymore. Fatigue had drained every ounce of strength that I had left in me; that I couldn’t fight anymore, even if I wanted to. Curling up into a ball and staying there would be so much easier to do.

I had been so tired of ‘well meaning’ people who know nothing about me, nor my illness but who think they have all the answers to  mental illness. And I know they mean well but sometimes it’s best they say nothing at all. Actions speak louder then words. A simple hug would do more good then a textbook of advice. But sorry to say society is quicker to give their opinion (not always fact) rather then a compassionate heart. And before I go any further, let me make one thing clear, I am not looking for pity (that I don’t need) but I do deserve respect and understanding. Just as I respect others feelings, thoughts and beliefs. I don’t always have to agree, I just need to respect. And respect meaning; ‘due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others’.

I reached a point this week, when I felt, ‘why do I do this to myself?’ Why do I speak so openly about my illness and in so doing, put myself out there for ridicule, stigma, misunderstanding and isolation. People are not always kind; and say or imply things that really hurt. And when you have a mental illness you are already in a vulnerable state. I was ready to say, ‘I’ve had enough and I was going to close my blog/website down. But then I remember the real reason I do this, it’s not about those ‘well meaning’ people, it’s not all about me, but it’s about those who are suffering with mental illness and do so feeling all alone. And for some reason, mental illness as always been an illness of isolation and even in today’s society is still so plain to see. But if I give up now, that would be one less voice that mental illness has and I will not give up. Despite adversity, ridicule and ignorance I will keep talking about mental illness. If you are reading this and you are guilty of stigmatizing mental illness, then shame on you for not educating yourself to what it means to be mentally ill; tomorrow it could be you or someone you love. But if you are someone who is suffering from a mental illness and you feel you are alone, you are not; I am where you are.

There are so many who are suffering from mental illness all around the world; mental illness has no respect of persons, no one is exempt. Just this week a famous Olympic swimming champion revealed he lives with depression. He said, ‘If I can get one message out there, it’s that ‘it’s OK not to be OK’. When he says, ‘living with’ he is implying/stating that his condition is a chronic illness. Chronic meaning, ‘persisting for a long time or constantly recurring’. Unfortunately for many of us, our condition is a chronic one; no different then any other chronic physical illness. So yes, I have a chronic mental illness that I have suffered all my life, but I am living with it. That doesn’t make me any less of a person; it just means I have an illness. And it also doesn’t mean that all mental illnesses are chronic, but for me; mine is. And if I have to go to my grave still struggling with this illness, then I will. Not unlike the countless multitudes of persons with cancer have gone to their graves, fighting to the end.

So today I hope I have accomplished three things. One, that I have helped to destigmatize the disease. Secondly, that I have inspired and given you hope in that you are not alone. Thirdly, that by acknowledging our own disease, I have empowered you to face your own disease openly and in the face of stigma. Our only hope of mental illness ever being publicly accepted by society, is through awareness, education and speaking out. We all have a part to do. Chin Up! We can do this together! I’m here for you!  Closing my Blog? I think NOT!

Posted on

The Seasons Come And Go

Winter as finally passed and Spring is so desperately trying to unfold. With Spring comes that feeling of new life, new beginnings, fresh hope and a warmth that inspires the soul. The cold, chilly winter season as reluctantly become another memory in time. Much as happened; good and bad. But yet we have survived another season; another season of life.

I can’t honestly say that the past several months hasn’t come without it’s tough times. It’s been rough on all of us, to say our life is simple, would be an understatement. Living with mental illness and cerebral palsy would be enough to send any family’s life into a whirlwind. And lots of days that’s what it feels like; you are living in a whirlwind. Where life is spinning out of control and you’re fighting to hold the pieces together. Some days you may feel like you’re winning and other days like you are loosing the fight.

With my mental illness, I must say it’s still an everyday struggle but most days now, I feel it’s a struggle that I am winning. I guess it’s like someone who has diabetes, they still have it but they have it under control. And for me with my depression and anxiety, I feel on most days I have it under control.  But each day still requires a lot of self talk, keeping my thoughts from becoming distorted and unrealistic, trying to keep life as ‘normal’ as possible and live in the moment. Is this easy to do? No, not at all but if I am going to beat this living hell, then this is what I have to do on a daily bases, if I am going to survive; I can never let my guard down. And maybe with this new season of Spring may come new life, new hope and new beginnings for all of us.

Lauren has certainly had her share of pain, hurt and uncertainties. The cold winter months have found her spending most of it in bed, recovering from two major hip surgeries, that can only be described as horrific. No child should have to suffer what this child as endured and will still have to endure in the months to come. Her first hip surgery was performed in May 2018, the second was done September 2018. It’s now April 2019 and it’s only now that I can say that she is bouncing back from her ordeals. She as missed majority of her school year in kindergarten. We are now in the process of gradually introducing her back into the school setting, which as to be done slowly, cautiously and at her own pace, due to her high levels of anxiety. But she is doing fairly well and her school as been so accommodating during this transition period and for that we are so thankful.

Life for us as parents of a disabled child will never be the same again. And I don’t say that in a selfish way but in a realistic way. I know that the only parents that will truly understand what I mean; are parents that are privileged to have a disabled child. Lauren may be six years of age but right now we still have a six year old baby. We do the exact same things for her now as when she was a baby. Except now it’s harder because she as grown to be a big girl, who requires constant lifting. And the 24/7 care doesn’t end and doesn’t get any easier.

I believe that life for all of us at this season of Lauren’s life is a little tougher. Lauren is so aware, so intelligent and so full of questions; questions that we don’t always know how to answer. For instance, yesterday we were going outside and out of nowhere she asked, “Daddy why do I have to be in a wheelchair?” I’m sorry but I wish that no child would ever have to ask that question. She’s realizing now, more then ever, especially since she’s gone back to school; that not all kid’s are in wheelchairs. So she’s wondering and asking, why am I in a wheelchair? It was only recently she asked Lisa, “Mommy, when you were a little girl, were you in a wheelchair?” How can we live without having a broken heart? There will always be moments like these when our hearts are torn from our bodies. And just one more heart wrenching moment, when she asked me while we were just lying in her bed, “Daddy did you see me when I done a cartwheel?” And I lied and said, “Yes my angel and that was the best cartwheel I have ever seen in my life”.

Nature may have four distinct seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer. All of which will come and go at it’s own designated times. Much like the seasons of life. Right now I am at a different season in my mental health then I was last year at this time. And right now Lauren is at a different season of her cerebral palsy and we have discovered that those seasons are forever evolving and changing. We just have to learn to adjust to each individual season and to learn to find warmth in the coldness, sunshine in the rain, new life amidst the dying dreams. Healing and hope when the season as gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted on

Triggers

My pen sets silently in my hands. It doesn’t want to move, much like my whole body. Depression as washed over me like an ocean wave. The last few months have been a very disturbing time for me, there has been many triggers that have aggravated my illness. Triggers are unpleasant and disturbing experiences that occur in your life that bring on an episode of intense depression and anxiety (in my case). And when this happens, you have to fight for your life again.

Right now this episode as left me with so many unwanted, irritable symptoms. I find it very difficult to socialize, I isolate as much as possible; my interaction with others are forced. I know I can’t  isolate, it just isn’t good for my mental health, but yet it’s all I want to do. I just don’t have the drive, the energy or enthusiasm  that is required to be in public. My triggers have knocked me down big time, but I know I have to get up, but how do you get up when you feel you have so little strength left; fatigue is a big problem. You barely have enough strength to crawl.

I have learned over the years what I have to do to survive but when intense depression strikes, your survival guide seems so unattainable. You push and push and push until you feel you can push no more. But push I must, or if not I will be in deeper trouble; and I am not going there again. To that dark tunnel that has no light at the end.

When you are feeling this way, you search for that something that can bring you that glimmer of hope. But when you are enduring such intense depression; your thoughts are so distorted that you cannot see the light, the smallest task seems so impossible to do. It’s at this point you have to give it all you got and find some good, somewhere. It’s there, just so much harder to see when you are in a cloud of fog.

Some things that I’m using to bring me through this valley of despair at the moment are; looking forward to Logan coming home from school, hearing Lauren saying ‘Good morning Daddy’. It’s in the little things lots of times, the smell of supper cooking, the sun shining, looking outside and realizing that spring is here. All does my heart good.

It’s great that I do enjoy various hobbies and when I’m not feeling well I try to distract myself by engaging in them. Right now I started painting again, it’s great therapy and certainly a great distraction. Painting is a great way to express your feelings and emotions. For example, I can paint pictures that portray calmness, peacefulness, beauty and solitude. All of which help to reflect positive thoughts. I also love playing the part of ‘Walter on da line’, but that is very difficult to do when you are not feeling well. When I do feel well enough, I find it is such  great therapy and laughter is great medicine.

Writing about mental illness certainly brings no glory to myself. In reality, I really would like to hide under a rock and never come out, so the world would never see my illness. But I believe in order to help others that are suffering with mental illness, we have to talk about it. And in doing so, we help others realize they are not alone, we educate each other, and we help break down the walls of stigma that still exist today.

 

Posted on

Let’s Talk Suicide

I just finished reading another heart wrenching story written by a Mom about her daughter who had died by suicide. Her Mom goes on to say (speaking of her daughter)  that in March 2017 she lost her battle with depression and died from suicide.

The stigma that society as placed on suicide is ridiculous. So much so that it steals from the grieving family the opportunity to grieve without prejudice, guilt or shame. And the deceased is looked upon in an undignified, judgemental and condescending manner. It’s sad, that even today we still use language like ‘committed suicide’ or ‘taking your own life’, as if it is an intentional, deliberate and rational process. If someone loses a 10 years battle with cancer, we talk about their bravery, their strength and how they were an inspiration to all around them. And they were certainly all of those things, I am not denying that. But people (myself included) with depression are fighting a constant battle as well. Some people lose their battle with depression and other mental illness through suicide. But the way in which Society views this person is the complete opposite of the way they would view someone with cancer or some other physical disease. They are looked upon as selfish, weak and highly stigmatized. It’s time for this ignorant way of thinking to end!

Someone suffering from a mental illness should be treated with the same dignity, pride, love, compassion and remembered as brave fighters, regardless of the circumstances of their death. Maybe you have not been introduced to the ‘death of shame’, but maybe if it hit close to home, to someone you loved, you would soon start to see suicide in a new light. I hope you never have to experience such  an horrific death but there are no exemptions. So the next time you are quick to pass judgement, may you think before you speak.  Someone who has fought a mental illness for too long and within their broken mind the only way they see to ‘fix it’ is through suicide. Relieving themselves and their families of this horrible burden of sorrow, shame and ugliness.

This blog is not based on my spiritual beliefs and I wish not to get into a religious debate. But is based on the right to die and be treated with dignity, no matter the cause. We were always taught to respect the dead. It’s about being treated humanely with no disrespect for anyone involved. But may we leave the ‘God Stuff”, up to God, it’s certainly not our place to judge; God has the last word! But may it be our responsibility to, love, to be compassionate and a shoulder to cry on. I want to be that person that is there for the hurting, the misjudged and for those suffering from a loss of a loved one by suicide. Or if you are that person that is contemplating suicide or just wishing you could die to end this unbearable pain, then I’m here for you too. I have been and still have those days just like that, so you are not alone; I’ve been there too.

I know I have nothing to be ashamed of because I have a mental illness. Yes, my brain is broken and tells me I’m a loser, I’m weak, I’m a good for nothing, etc. No different then if I was suffering from anorexia and my brain was telling me; I’m fat and ugly. None of which are true but when you have a ‘sick’ brain you cannot always control the way you think.

And that is why more needs to be done to find more effective ways to treat the brain and  then suicide wouldn’t need to be an option and hopelessness would be turned to hope and hope to life. But right now I believe our Mental Health System is failing us, one suicide at a time; at an alarming and frightening rate. Someone open your eyes! We are in the midst of a suicidal epidemic and very little is done. ‘Let’s Talk’ is great but ‘Let’s Do’!