Tag: mental health

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Break Down Some Walls

I finally got a chance to sit down for a few minutes and ponder what I may share with you today.  I quickly scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed and stopped at a message that reiterated what I’ve been saying all along. And that being, stigma is still so prevalent in our society today. That being the negative, discriminating and prejudice way our society still label persons with a mental illness and put all mental disorders in the same group.

The lady was responding to the horrific shooting in Las Vegas: 58 killed and over 515 injured! I would certainly agree that this was an act of evil indeed. But she made the statement that blew my mind (no pun intended); “how can so many people with mental  health issues get these kinds of guns that kill such a crowd of people so quickly”. Ephesians 6:12 came to mind; “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” No where do I see here any reference to mental health. I had no choice but to respond; me being ‘a person with a mental health issue’ and being an advocate for Mental Illness. I could not let this one go. And I will share my response, I may sound a little annoyed and upset; well I was. In 2017 I would hope to expect better, silly me. So I responded with; ” I really don’t know how to respond to your ignorant statement. Do you believe honestly that it’s only people with a mental illness that can do such an act? Mental illness and evil are not one and the same. I have a mental illness and I was disturbed by your statement. It’s this mentality that build walls of stigma that is so unjustly placed on mental illness. I will keep you in my prayers, that God will open your narrow mindedness’. Sorry but that’s me, call it like it is; if it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck; then it’s a duck!

Now maybe I’m a little harsh or a little sensitive to comments that refer negatively to mentally ill persons.  but if I made a comment for example like;” All diabetics are fat”. That would be so not true, some maybe but not all and also would be very rude to even say it. So, that would be like saying that all criminal action is only done by people that are mentally ill. So therefore all you “perfectly, normal people out there would never commit a crime”. So not true! For one thing there is no such thing has normal, we would all want to think we are. Who can define what normal is anyway? Google doesn’t even do it justly, “conforming to a standard, usual, typical or expected”. Very vague and broad in my opinion. So let’s not be quick to judge anyone has being normal or mentally ill. There is no one perfect, especially when it comes to the brain, I think we are all a little mentally ill in one way or another lol.

There’s certainly a lot of talk about mental health awareness, but are people really “getting it”? I feel I am just has “normal” has the next person. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am breaking down the walls of stigma one person at a time. I am not expecting to change the world but I am and will do my part to make my voice heard, right where I am; in my part of the world.

This past weekend I was guest speaker at the “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”. I was overwhelmed with gratitude in the way the audience interacted with me; which made for an amazing discussion and learning experience for us all. I am so thankful for the opportunity to speak with others who totally ‘get it’. A road to healing for everyone that attended, has I shared my journey with mental illness.

It was also my honor and privilege to be guest speaker on the television program; ‘Heart  Matters’ on NTV. A great venue to tell my story and help others who are dealing with mental illness. It certainly provided a greater exposure to the hushed topic of mental illness. Little did I realize who my listening audience really were. And I didn’t realize until Monday night when I got a call from our Member of the House of Assembly: Ms Pam Parsons. She saw my story and was hoping that I would be willing to tell it in a session at the House of Assembly, upon the approval  of a request to do so. It’s funny how life presents itself, I would never think in a million years that I would be given this awesome opportunity to tell my story at a Government level. I was a little discouraged that what I had and needed to say was not falling on the ears of  people who had the power to make a difference and make some change. I prayed that God would open the doors so I could do just that. So sometimes we have to be careful of what we pray for; it just might come true. And thank God for me it did.

So if the walls of stigma are going to come down, even a little, I will say I have done my part. What others think of mental ill persons has to change and speaking out, educating and taking action is what’s needed in our society today. So, let’s all do our part and support each other. We will break down some walls!

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Guest Speaker, Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit

Recently I was asked to be guest speaker at a “Mental Health and Wellness Exhibit”, presented by; Safety On The Rock and The Splash Center. Of course I accepted and the response was astounding. Helping others with mental illness through education, talking about it and being proactive. This is an excerpt from that speech.

My story is just that; my story. I cannot speak for others but this is my experience with mental illness. And I do not profess to have all the answers, just a lot of insight. Everyone’s experience is different. So I speak for myself, this is my journey….

I suffered from mental illness all my life. My first mental breakdown was when I was only sixteen years old, I am now fifty two. Back then you were said to have ‘bad nerves’ and you went into seclusion and lived in shame. Nobody really knew how to deal with this illness or if it even was an illness. Not even the medical field, especially living in outport Newfoundland. I was taken to the doctor only to be told there was nothing they could do because they did not prescribe antidepressants to teenagers. So I was sent home to fight this battle, this monster, all by myself and fight I did. I felt so helpless, hopeless and alone.

I fought this battlefield of the mind until I was able to be prescribed medication and I found they worked for me fairly well. From that time on, until five years ago, I have always been on one drug or another and lived a fairly normal, functioning life. I owned and operated my own business for 28 years. So you can have a mental illness and still remain high functioning, we just have to work a little harder at being okay.

But five years ago I experienced the worse relapse of my life. It was this relapse that totally rendered me non functioning and totally disabled. I experienced a total shut down of my brain and physical body. I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder. My symptoms were so severe that I was closely monitored for dementia. I was not responding to any treatments including cocktails of antidepressants, hospitalization, ECT electro convulsive therapy and anything that would help improvement. It was confirmed that I was treatment resistant and I was loosing hope and getting worse.

Because of my illness and being unemployed, we lost everything we had and had to move to Bay Roberts to be closer to family for support. With all the change that  had taken place in my life; it only exasperated my illness to a point where I hit rock bottom, I could not go down any further. Nothing left but flesh and bones, no will to live, I just wanted to die. That was about two years ago now and I have fought to get to where I am today. I am doing much better, I still struggle everyday but not to the extent that I was.

Mental illness is one of the most misunderstood, complicated, shameful, stigmatized and complex illnesses of all times. The brain is the most complex organ of the body, thus the most difficult to treat. Even today there is still so much that is not known about the brain and its many disorders. Dr. Mario Garrett Ph.D stated in Psychology Today, “Our brain is the most complex machine that ever existed.”

According to the World Health Organization, ‘350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. It is a leading cause of disability”. Every year close to 800,000 people take their own life. Which is one person every 40 seconds. Mental Health is in a crisis and its time for us to open our eyes and start talking about this epidemic. Not just talk but let’s “do” something about it.

Its my opinion that Newfoundland and Labrador is so far behind the rest of the world in treating mental illness. When we come to a point when the only alternative for treatment is “out of province” then there’s something wrong. And also I would like to say here that one of the most effective ways to tear down the walls of stigma is to literally rid this Province of the most stigmatized building in Newfoundland and Labrador, that being, The Waterford Hospital. The building screams stigma; often referred to has the loonie bin, the nut house, the mental etc. The building is so old and dilapidated, that it’s walls have a ghostly aura. The question I ask you today is; if your child’s school was in such a dilapidated condition; would you send your child there? Then I ask you why would you send your loved one to such an horrible and disgusting environment has the Waterford. It’s time for the Government to turn it’s attention to one of the most important and neglected issues facing our province today.

I hold the Government responsible for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities. What we need is a new hospital that gives us hope; without hope we will never heal. We need a hospital with an environment that says, “Welcome, you are safe here, we are going to give you the help and support that you deserve”. Is that what the Waterford Hospital offers? NO! Right now every mentally ill patient is cramped into an overcrowded room or wing. When what is needed for someone dealing with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc.; is to be placed on wings or rooms of the hospital that are less anxiety provoking; where patients are dealing with the same or similar issues. And other severe mental illnesses placed in a safe environment for them, based on the severity of their illness, not on wherever a bed is available. It doesn’t make sense herding all illnesses/disorders onto the same ward. You wouldn’t put a cardiac patient on a maternity ward, so why would you put someone with depression on a psychosis ward?  Your diagnosis should determine where you are placed in the hospital. So with my experience has a mentally ill patient, I have seen and undergone many demeaning, frightening and inhumane situations.

I have since become an advocate for mental illness. It’s my goal to break down the walls of stigma one person at a time. And to be a voice for those who suffer in silence. We have nothing to be ashamed of. I have a broken mind, no different then if I had diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, kidney failure, etc. Things go wrong with any organ in your body and your brain is no different. It’s just the way society looks at this illness in a negative and stigmatized way but a lot of that has to do with lack of education and ignorance of not knowing. And the only way to break down the walls of stigma is through education and speaking out. And that’s why I’m here today. If I could give you my illness for just one moment; you would look at mental illness in an whole new light. And the walls of stigma would come down.

I believe we have been too quiet for too long. So let’s start talking!

There is hope! Never give up! You can beat this one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Now let’s get out there and break down some walls! 

 

 

 

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The Biggest Threat To My Mental Health

The rain is coming down in buckets or is it raining cats and dogs? Either way; it’s raining. And just like life, the sun doesn’t always shine, there has to be some rain sometimes. Eventually the rain will end and the sun will shine again; that is one thing we are guaranteed in life, nothing last forever. So it is with my illness, I have days when it’s pouring rain but then there are days when the sun shines again. There will come a reprieve, a calm. It’s my belief that for a lot of us, this illness never fully goes away; but that doesn’t mean we can’t have sunshine in our lives. There are several threats that impedes this ray of sunshine from shining.

The expectations that society has put on mental health is one such threat. We are expected to put on a pretty face, a smile, and pretend everything is ok, so others won’t be exposed to our illness. And in so doing it will alleviate them of their uncomfortable, social phobia of mental illness. I swear some people think this illness is contagious. Trust me it’s not. Society needs to realize this is an illness just like any other illness, certainly not a threat, we just want to be accepted and not treated has a second class citizen but as a human being that is suffering on the inside. But in a way that you cannot see because it’s not a physical illness but oh so real on the inside. A pain that you cannot see.

Let’s attack the Government again; like its going to do some good. I’m not being a pessimist but a realist. I think one of the last things on the “to do list” of our Government is to invest in the growing epidemic of mental illness. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering with no help available.Therefore I consider the Government a very big threat to my mental health and I hold them accountable for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities.

And of course stigma isn’t a word that’s going away anytime soon, when it comes to mental health. The minute the words itself, “mental illness” is mentioned; the red flags go up. It is one of the most stigmatized issues in our society and that is really too bad. It is only when we speak out and began talking about and educating society on this issue will these walls of stigma come down. I’m certainly open to talking about my mental illness. I just hope it’s doing some good and not falling on deaf ears. Because if the walls of stigma did come down, even somewhat, it would certainly help in diminishing the threat against mental illness. And one less thing that we as sufferers would have to deal with. And would be able to concentrate on getting well again.

But the greatest threat against my mental illness is; “Myself”! For me and I am only speaking for myself, that sometimes I was my greatest threat. I put too much trust in others and hoping for someone or something to make me well. When really I needed to search within myself; I had and have more strength and wisdom then I realized. I was afraid of what others thought of me if they knew I had a mental illness. Big deal what someone else thinks, they are not walking in my shoes. What really matters is what I think of myself. And yes there are/were times when my self confidence, my self worth and my sense of belonging was very low. But gradually over time, I realize, I am no different then anyone else out there. We all have our struggles, failures and insecurities. And me having a mental illness, doesn’t make me any less of a person then someone who doesn’t. I’ve begun to realize that I can’t look at myself as being different but unique, equal and not a threat to my own well being.

So, from now on, I will hold my head up high, walk with confidence and not be ashamed of my mental illness. I will shout it from the mountain tops and before long others will follow and not be threatened by anyone or anything.

Monique

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I Know A Man Who Can!

I have written numerous blogs before, but none as important, open and personal has what this one is. I will bear my soul because I believe that’s what you need to hear and see. We are not defined by our education, ethnicity, culture, our career, or our family. What defines us, is our soul; “the spiritual part of a human being”. We all have one,whether we believe we do or not doesn’t matter. We have a soul, deep down within us.

Our soul is that space within us that is always searching, always longing. Forever empty if not filled by the one who created us in the first place. Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb”. My illness lead me to this inmost search. Not a search for earthly meaning but a much deeper search and longing for God. That search didn’t find me instantaneously healed but led me to a deeper, inmost filling of God. I had to separate and come to realize that my illness had nothing to do with my soul. I was not fighting a spiritual battle, but because I was so sick and finding no hope of ever recovering. That no human being or earthly matter could make me well; then I had to turn my search inward rather then without.

It’s when we turn inward that we find the true meaning of life and take our focus off things that really don’t matter. I now realize that there is more to life then my illness, I can live inspite of it. My life doesn’t depend on what I have, what I do, where I go or what I feel. My life depends on what I have within; my love, my compassion, my humbleness and selflessness. If I had a Phd education, it would not make me any happier or change my illness. If I had a multi million dollar bank account; would not change my illness and make me well. If I had all the possessions that money could buy, it would still not bring me happiness or health.

So now I realize I have to build my life on something more solid, something more secure. I had to return to the one who created me, who promised in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,”declares the Lord,”plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. I don’t know what those plans are and right now I am scared to death of the future but I know and trust that He knows what He’s doing.

Our lives right now are filled with so much uncertainty and turmoil. My own illness fills our lives with so much insecurity and fear, that for the most of us, we would have given up a long time ago. The stress and conflict that mental illness brings into our marriage and family life can easily tear us apart. But we are struggling to stay together. Then there’s the awesome care, uncertainty, overwhelming responsibility of Lauren with her cerebral palsy. So much that people, unless they have a child with a disability, can never imagine the sacrifices one had to make. Lauren requires 24/7 care and this we, for the most part, provide ourselves. We do sacrifice each other because one of us as to sleep with Lauren every night for various reasons pertaining to her safety, comfort and care. So it is very difficult/impossible for us to spend time together as a couple. I am not complaining but stating the reality of what is. Then we try to provide for Logan a “normal life” and to protect him as much as possible from the circumstances around him, which are far from normal. And lastly, Lisa as had to leave work because of the heavy load that she carries everyday. It has affected her health in a detrimental way; that she can no longer work.

I don’t tell this for no other reason then to help someone else, that are going through similar circumstances in their lives. It is amazing what we can face in life and still survive. But no man, humanly possible could do this alone or find the answers in this world but I know a Man who can! And that’s how we have survived thus far. When we felt there was no one that could help us, we needed someone more than a human hand. That’s when we were forced to look elsewhere, we tried everything else and life was out of hand. We turned to the Man who can;

“I can’t take a heart that’s broken
Make it over again
But I know a Man who can

Some call Him Savior,
the Redeemer of all men
I call Him Jesus
For He’s my dearest friend.

If you feel no one can help you
And your life is out of hand
Well, I know a man who can”.

So now every morning I go to my heavenly “Father” and rely on His strength to get me through the day. For He promised me in Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint”

That’s where my strength comes from! I don’t apologize for being too open and I am so privileged to be able to introduce you to the man who can!

Afterthought:
Many may say, how can you say that God is with you, when He hasn’t healed you and you still struggle every day? It doesn’t matter, I’m better off with God in this storm, then I am without Him and being in this storm alone. He’s still in my ship. God is still God no matter what we are going through, He’s in control! All I have to do is trust!

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My Mental Health Update

Here I am years later from my worse relapse of my life and still struggling. I could say what people want me to say; “I’m doing great”, but that would not be the truth. I am all about being real. The truth is, I have come so far from where I was but not where I would like to be. My broken mind is still mending/healing. Then what encouragement would that be for someone experiencing major depression and anxiety disorder; I never give up! Sure, there are still days when I want to, but the battle rages on.

This may be my lot in life, I don’t know, I hope not. But if it is, I pray God would give me the grace to endure. But right now sunny days look a little brighter. I now have more urges to do things that last year I had no interest in. For example, going out in the garden gives me a form of pleasure. Going to the grocery store is not such a big deal anymore. And I’m doing much better socially, it still increases my anxiety but not as intense.

I still see my psychiatrist regularly. Right now I am doing group therapy for eight weeks. My medications have not changed and have been extended for another year. Also my psychiatrist does a form of therapy called Mindfulness; in a nutshell- being in the moment. I see my psychologist every 2-4 weeks; for mainly talk therapy. All of which help me to gradually restore me to some sense of mental health. And also gives me a sense of support whereby I feel I am not fighting this battle alone. So how ever long that is; I don’t know and I don’t know if anybody knows. My psychiatrist in St.John’s told me there was no cure for this disorder but I could eventually live a functioning life again. So if I take his advice this is something I will have to live with. If that’s the case, I will always have a struggle and will have to learn to adjust and accept my “thorn in the flesh”.

My therapist introduced me to a book that paralleled with my life experience with mental illness. “Man’s Search For Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a psychiatrist who was captured and sent to the Nazi death camps; one of which was Auschwitz. During which time he encountered suffering, harshness, starvation, cruelty and inhumane conditions that would break the spirit of any man. But Dr.Frankl said,”..life is meaningful and that we must learn to see life as meaningful despite our circumstances”.

So inspite of my suffering, mindful torment, life changes and loss; life still has meaning and purpose. This as been very hard for me to accept and work through. But as Dr.Frankl stated,”meaning is possible in spite of our suffering”.

So when I have days, like today, that are not so pleasant; I have to remind myself that my life still had meaning and purpose inspite of my suffering. I wish it were as easy as saying,”today is going to be a good day”. But my broken mind doesn’t work that way. It’s like someone with anorexia and saying to them; “all you have to do is eat. That’s not the way a broken mind works. I pray to God for all of us who suffer with any mental illness, that it were that easy. Dr.Frankl was asked what the meaning of his life was and one of his students answered for him,”The meaning of your life is to help others find the meaning of theirs”. May I be the same instrument to others, to find their way.

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The Church and Mental Health


In our society today and throughout history it’s been the consensus that Christians are not supposed to be depressed or have anxiety; we are supposed to have it “all together”. In our culture at large, there is enough of a stigma surrounding mental illness that it becomes more difficult for sufferers to find the support and understanding that we need. You would think that the one safe place that a person suffering from mental illness could find support would be the church. I am happy to say that I have found much support and encouragement from the churches I have come in contact with and I applaud them! But sadly to say that is not always the case. Just as prejudice, stigma, ignorance, misunderstanding and lack of knowledge is still found in our society(somewhat to a lesser degree but still a long way to go) so it’s also found in the church.

It’s true that the scientific community as yet to come to a universal agreement on the nature and causes of depression. The general consensus is that depression is a medical condition and not a personal or spiritual failure.

Does the church give the impression that anyone who decides to follow Jesus must have perfect mental health? Can we break down the walls/barriers that threaten to keep sufferers isolated and alone. The church needs to start looking at this as an illness, not a spiritual battle or a personal flaw or weakness. Then people will come out of the woodworks and seek help and know that God loves them just as they are, in all their brokenness. And not feel like the church is somewhere they don’t belong or feel welcomed. Our churches should be a place of refuge and encouragement to all who seek God, none to be secluded or left out.

Then there’s the healing issue. “Well if you had more faith you would be healed or you need to pray more…”. As with any illness; not everyone is going to be healed, mental illness is no different. It doesn’t mean that God loves me any less, it just means God knows best. Now that’s a tough statement for me to say because I want to be healed/delivered from this hellish existence more than anything. But that’s not for me to decide. “Thy will be done on earth..”. But if healing is not in the plan then I ask for His strength and wisdom for every day.

I grew up in a generation where mental illness was looked upon in a negative manner. If you suffered “bad nerves” then you were missing some of your marbles; you were not considered “normal”. Especially if you were a Christian how could you be depressed or anxious? In the same way we experience other illnesses; our hearts malfunction, our kidneys fail, our liver stops functioning or we break a bone. Things can go wrong with our brain, it’s an organ like any other organ of the body. It’s our misconceptions that cloud our judgement of this illness.

I cannot change my illness by Will-power, no more than someone with a physical illness can heal themselves with positive thoughts (it might help, but will not cure). The church has the tendency to put this pressure on mental ill persons by invoking the idea that we can heal ourselves if we just pray harder and more often, have more faith, think positive etc. Let’s stop right there! God is our healer, it’s His will, when and if we are healed.

There is another issue that needs to be addressed. It’s a one I was going to omit because I didn’t really know how to address it. But let’s start by saying the church, society and culture has most definitely come a long way when it comes to mental illness. I myself have come such a long way; I have become more educated on the topic and my life experience through living with this illness as given me an whole new way of looking at it. The issue I’m referring to is a one where mental illness was and still is to a small degree looked upon as some form of demonic, devil possessed or entrenched in the dark side. Let’s be very careful here; don’t give the devil so much credit. When sin entered the world, so did all sickness; this was not the plan of God but when Adam and Eve fell that’s where it all began. But because they fell, God did not leave us to our own demise. He is still all powerful, all knowing and everywhere present. And in the end God as the last word on mental illness, not satan. “And by His stripes we are healed”.

Let us(and I’m speaking for myself) to stop playing God and think we have all the answers, because we don’t. This illness is so complex, misunderstood and complicated that we don’t have the mental capacity to fully understand it and thus is best left to the omnipotent God; who is all knowing. I am not referring to any particular church, I am talking about the church in general. It’s not meant to be offensive but it’s time to look at mental illness in a different light; with understanding, compassion, love and acceptance. To broaden our minds to see things from a different perspective.