Tag: illness

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Today is a ‘GOOD’ Day

Ten years have flown by since my mental breakdown in 2012. And for those years I cannot recall having what I could say was a ‘good’ day. Everyday was a struggle, everyday a fight, everyday a battle to just survive.

The past couple of months had me in a frenzy, I was in a state of panic, a fear that I was getting worse or even on the brink of a relapse. I knew I had done everything possible to keep my mental health at a functioning level but I realized I was loosing this war once again.  And I was heading back to hell but I was determined never to go there again.

So I took matters into my own hands and realized what I had to do at this point to prevent a relapse. I wasted no time in making an appointment to see my doctor. I sat in her office and unleashed my bent up emotions and talked to her about every thought that was causing my brain to race like an hamster on a spinning wheel; running but going nowhere. She listened with an undivided attention, soaking in every word. She was listening!

Once I was done my ‘speech’ and looked at her with the eyes of a dying puppy; she knew I needed help, I was desperate. My heavy eyes told a story of horror and hopelessness. But she reassured me that it was going to be okay, that there was hope. Her advice to me was to first start by increasing my mirtazapine, which I had no objection to. Nothing else was working for me and I was totally helpless, drowning in a sea of despair. But this was going to be my first plan of attack; to increase one of my medications.

Two weeks went by, I felt nothing, no change either way. I knew deep down that this wasn’t working. After a little over three weeks I could take it no more, something else had to be done. Once again I made a virtual appointment to talk to my doctor again. She knew before I could even tell  her that this wasn’t the answer. The next tool from her toolbox was to add another antidepressant (Abilify) to my already existing maxed out Effexor; I was at the maximum dose that a patient could take. So she decided to cautiously try me on a very low dosage (2mg) of Abilify. I hung up the phone and prayed to God to please let this one give me at least a little relief; a little was better then none at all.

To my amazement and optimistic anticipation, I felt something that I haven’t felt in years. I was and still am afraid to get my hopes up, to be hopeful because I have had my hopes shattered so many times over the past years. I will take this one day at a time. If I get a good day here and a good day there, then I’ll take it.  Anything is better then what I had lived with for the past ten years. But this medication seems different, almost like nothing I experienced before. It has settled my racing mind, maybe even giving me a feeling of hopefulness. But deep down I’m scared, scared that this is not going to last, that it is all just wishful thinking. But I  pray I’m wrong and this medication really is going to be my miracle, my light in the darkness, my sunshine in the rain.

Even if this reprieve doesn’t last, I will remember this short but amazing sense of freedom from my mind, even if it’s only for a few weeks. My heart is filled with so much gratitude and thankfulness that my cup overflows. Is my days of fighting this horrible illness over? I don’t know but today I’m having a ‘GOOD’ day and as the tears flow down my face, for once they are tears of joy. Like any illness, we are never guaranteed a complete cure; there is always the fear of it’s ugly return. But for today I’m having a ‘good’ day!

 

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Because He Lives I Can Face Today

I awakened with that ever abiding voice of depression. I pushed myself out of bed, not because I was lazy and didn’t want to get out but I was paralyzed, disabled by my broken mind. The thoughts of facing the day scared me to death. How can I do this again?  Can’t this just stop, can’t I just live a ‘normal’ life for a change. I dragged myself to the kitchen table with my caffeine fix in my hand and threw myself onto the chair. My head was in a total fog. I looked at my wife and said, “Can’t I just have one good day?’ But I knew it wasn’t going to be today. To wake up every morning and have this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders, I was exhausted even before my day began.

We just celebrated the Easter season, a time of victory, joy and celebration for the Christian. A time when Jesus provided for all humanity the only way to the Father, that being the shedding of His blood. Romans 10:9 ‘If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.’ Having a mental illness has taken away the ability for me to fully experience the joyous feeling of the resurrection but I have learned that I now live by what I ‘know’, not what I ‘feel’. 2 Timothy 1:12 ‘For I ‘KNOW’ whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day’.

It’s very difficult for me to sing the song, ‘Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone.’ I would be lying if I said there were times that I am not fearful. Because there are times I am fearful.  I’m fearful of my mental illness and what it can do to me and my family, the fear of a total relapse of my illness, the fear of Lauren’s ever changing health, not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring forth. But I try not to let my thoughts go to tomorrow. I live one day at a time and this morning the thought came to me and it’s pertaining to this song, ‘Because He Lives.’ But for me , who lives with a broken mind, I can say with confidence, ‘Because He lives I can face today’. We are not promised tomorrow so I try not to go there but live today; one minute, one hour, one day at a time. This I know to be true!

I know there are so many out there who feel they can’t go on, life is too much, God wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Don’t believe that, God takes us just as we are, in our brokenness , our messed up minds, our addictions, our broken marriages, our hurts, our abuse, our fears; He takes us just as we are. When we feel we’re a nobody, a nothing, useless, ugly, unlovable human being; He loves us. We are never alone, even when we feel God is nowhere to be found (I know the feeling, I won’t lie), He is right there, standing somewhere in the shadows you’ll find Jesus. He’s the one who always cares and understands. When others have turned their backs on us and we feel all alone, He is there. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

You may ask, ‘why do I bring God into the picture when it comes to my mental illness?’ Because I believe the first step to any level of recovery is, we have to admit to ourselves that we have an illness and that we are powerless over it. This is one battle that we cannot fight alone. That is why we need to turn to a Power greater then ourselves, to help us survive this hellish illness. Much like the second step in the AA Program for alcohol addiction. As with any other chronic or terminal illness, we need to turn to a spiritual power that is able to strengthen and walk us through our journey. It’s then we realize that we are not in control, in our own strength we could never make it. Let’s just put things into perspective; when we know we have no where else to turn and we are at a dead end; I believe we quickly realize who we have to turn to. And guess what? He’s there waiting; waiting for you! God is not he enemy, He’s the answer. No matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve done, God loves you!

In spite of my constant fight to survive this battlefield in my mind, I still live my best life with what I have and not dwell on what I don’t have. Hoping that today will be a better day and one day I will find peace again, peace of mind.

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I’m Just Tired

I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.

Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.

Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”

Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!

The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that  no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 

 

 

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Defining Depression

How do you put on paper what your heart is yearning to say? Words are just that; words! But putting those words in a sentence that makes sense and expresses how you feel, well that’s not so easy to do. Words can only speak, but only the heart can truly feel what it is you truly want to express. I have tried so desperately to portray my thoughts and feelings in my Blog: www.harrislisa72.com entitled; ‘Life and Times of The Tuckers.’ With the caption attached; ‘Living with depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine.’ I have written a total of 173 posts/blogs on this website and I feel I have only scratched the surface (written from January 2017-November 2019).

I won’t lie to you and tell you that life is wonderful and easy. When I’m having a very bad day, and I’m just referring here to my depression and anxiety, life is anything but wonderful and easy. Each moment of the day is a fight, a fight to just survive. Each day is a challenge, nothing comes easy anymore, not even the little things. I would just like to elaborate on some defining symptoms of this battlefield of the mind.

For me, when my pain is so intense, I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, that’s what depression can do to you, but yet I don’t want to die either. The constant pain and torment lessens your will to live. It would be so much easier to die and escape this living hell. But yet deep down, you really know that’s not what you really want. You just want to live, but really live without the constant struggle to survive. Life should be so much more then just surviving. I’ve often said to my doctor, ‘if this is living, then I am not living.’ Depression steals the joy, enthusiasm, your reason for living, your purpose; it steals ‘YOU’! And everyday you are constantly trying to find that ‘you’ that once you were. He’s in there somewhere but just can’t seem to escape the prison of the mind.

Depression can be defined as the overpowering need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There’s the inability to socialize, the wanting to just hide under a rock. That outgoing, social ‘icon’ that once I was is now turned into somewhat of a recluse. But that is the last thing I want, the last thing I need. When you suffer from depression you feel totally alone, you could be in a crowded room but feel like you are the only person there. Lonely is your constant companion. But we know we are created for companionship, we  crave affection and love. Living in isolation will only make our depression worse and that is why I need people around me, a form of support.

And then there’s the worse part of the day; the morning! A major defining symptom of depression is the fear of the day to come. How am I ever going to survive it? Constant fatigue and tiredness overwhelms my body and mind. I wonder how I can get out of bed, but then I say; ‘Okay God, it’s me and you, I can’t do this alone. So let’s do this! And the day begins. On the not so good days, I long for night to come. I know then, I have survived another day. Maybe sleep will provide an escape; a reprieve. And yet in spite of my depression and anxiety, I live my best life with what I have and try to make the best of everyday.

I can define/describe depression in so many other ways; living in a dark hole, loss of memory and concentration, having no desire to do the things you once loved to do. Depression has the power to redefine who you are (if you let it); It can consume your every thought and lessen you to a different person; to someone who as lost all confidence in oneself, convincing you that you are worthless and useless. No matter how hard I try, life becomes unbearable and overwhelming to a point where you don’t know how you can go on. But you know in reality, that is your illness talking; it distorts your thinking patterns.  The American Psychiatric Association defines major depressive disorder as ‘a common and serious MEDICAL illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.’

We are presently experiencing the ‘Season to be Jolly.’ I love Christmas, a little too much sometimes; I don’t know when to stop decorating. I was warned to tone it down this year, but how do ‘I’ tone down Christmas? My idea of toning it down is someone else’s idea of being overdone, too funny! But that’s not what Christmas is all about, there’s more to it then just decorations. For a lot of people Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s that time of the year when we are expected to be happy, joyful and glad. But what if we suffer from depression and anxiety; Christmas can be an enormous trigger. It can trigger so many symptoms of depression; loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiousness; all for various reasons. I pray this Christmas that all who suffer from mental illness, will feel the peace that came to earth on that first Christmas morning. Isaiah 9:6 ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, THE PRINCE OF PEACE.’

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A Good Day

I was swiftly spiralling down a dark hole of despair. Loosing control as I was going down, down, down. Every indication that I was relapsing was steering me in the face. My sleeping pattern was interrupted, my appetite for food was dwindling, my emotions were crying out to me to help them stop. But I could not control them, the dam had broken and I was drowning. But worst of all, panic attacks had returned and was taking over my life. My greatest fear had come true; I was relapsing!

But was I willing and was I going to let this happen again? I fought this before and I will fight this war again. I was determined to stop this illness from escalating into a full blown breakdown. In the back of my mind I knew my options had pretty much ran out. Over the years I had tried everything to escape this living hell. But yet every day for the past eight years (not including a lifetime) I could not honestly say I had a ‘good’ day. I am not referring to my physical life but my life from within my mind. My mind was broken and I was trying desperately to fix it. I just wanted this hell to go away. But to even reach a functioning level, required hard, hard work. And today I have reached that level but staying there requires so much strength, courage and determination.

And there are so many every day triggers that would throw me into the grasps of my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. How was I going to defeat this monster? I have to use my past experiences to find my way out. And I knew the best place to start was my amazing family doctor. I wasted no time to get an appointment and before I knew it, I was sitting face to face with the man I knew could help me. I described to him the horrors of my panic attacks, how they awakened me from my already restless sleep. How I was afraid to be in a public place because a panic attack could strike without warning and wasn’t  just confined to my home life but could occur anywhere. And because of this, I was a prisoner, under house arrest.

I explained how I wasn’t living, just surviving and this was fair to no one. I was determined, this as to stop and I would do anything to make it stop. And being the compassionate doctor he is, he was determined to help me. His first plan of attack was to get my panic attacks under control. And this would require another drug, called buspirone. I have to admit, I wasn’t all that optimistic, given my track record. But I was willing to try and I did. To my amazement, six days later from taking this new drug, I have not had another panic attack since. I am being highly cautious and afraid to get my hopes up because of past drug failures but I have to believe that this one is working and will remain working.

I visited my scheduled psychologist appointment yesterday. And as I sat in his home based office, he politely asked how I was doing today? And I replied with, ‘I’m having a good day’. It seems like forever since I said those words, I really surprised myself when I said them. When you have a chronic illness, it’s not every day you can say, you’re having a good day. So now I’m just hoping to have more ‘good’ days, then bad days.

All of us I’m sure have good days and bad days. One thing we can be assured of and that is, it won’t rain always. And if we could just remember that on the bad days then we can make it through. I’m reminded of the song which says;

“Someone said that in each life some rain is bound to fall. And each one sheds his share of tears, And trouble troubles us all. But the hurt can’t hurt forever and the tears are sure to dry.

And it won’t rain always, the clouds will soon be gone. The sun that they’ve been hiding has been there all along. And it won’t rain always, God’s promises are true. The sun’s gonna shine in His own good time, and He will see you (and He will see me) through.”

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A Life Of Fighting

‘Desperate times cause for desperate measures’, that’s what the quote says anyway. Here I am at Robin’s, sitting alone, sipping a coffee and writing; like I was getting paid for it. I’m expecting the roof to blow off the building any minute, the wind is blowing so hard. I’m here trying to put my thoughts together but nothing seems to work. If I’m getting paid per word for what I’m writing, then my pay won’t be much today.

I’ve just experienced two horrible weeks of depression and nothing I do helps. When you are feeling depressed; ‘to do’ are the last two words in your vocabulary. You really feel totally disabled, not that you don’t want ‘to do’ something, you can’t do it. It’s like your body goes in shut down mode and you find it next to impossible to function. Nothing brings you joy, you feel numb but mostly you feel angry and guilty because you feel this way. I know it’s not my fault, this illness has captured my mind and as held me prisoner for most of my life.

Major depression is not a once in a lifetime occurrence or at least it hasn’t been for me. I guess I can compare it to a roller coaster, with many ups and downs; with the downs a lot lower then the highs of the ups. The scariest part of the ride is, you have no choice in when your ride will end and you can get off. Yes, you will experience times when your depression goes into remission as it were. You know it’s still there, but you can live life with a little more  ease. Those are the times when you have to enjoy life to it’s fullest because you don’t know how long this reprieve will last. And  then that disabling, crippling, ugly beast of depression returns in all it’s fury; that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks. I call it a veil of sadness.

What happens to me during this period of time? I change! I find it difficult to laugh, but yet normally, I love to laugh. I love to make other people laugh; so much so that I started a YouTube channel called, ‘Walter on da line’ and it’s all about laughing. But when I’m in this pit of despair I cannot even play the part but yet I miss it so much. I’m hoping this cloud will soon lift and I can get back to playing my character, ‘Walter’, once again. Then, I didn’t go to church on Sunday, and I rarely miss. But I just could not go, I couldn’t be around large crowds, just too overwhelming. The darkness was starting to close in, the dark night of depression was creeping in. When this happens I find it really hard to see the sunshine, even when the sun is shining. I love bright sunny days but when depression strikes, the darkness hides the sunshine. I want to just run and hide. I ignore the phone, not that  I don’t want to talk to the other person but I just can’t. I just want to sleep and isolate; but I know if I do, depression will take over. So now I am becoming very frightened, scared and panic is setting in, I’m terrified that I’m relapsing, that I’m returning to that place I call hell. I can’t go there again, ever! I know now I have to see my doctor. I make my appointment.

The night before my doctor’s appointment, I sat down and tried to the best of my ability, to write what I thought he needed to hear, in order to help me.

Once inside his office, I sat and pulled out my letter of ‘confession’ and nervously let him hear what I was feeling. ‘My doctor appointment note’:

‘Lying in my restless bed last night, I turned over at least a thousand times. My appointment with my doctor this morning was enough to give anyone nightmares. I felt my life was on the line but how would I make him see that. And if he did, what good would it do, if any? Had my diagnosis been written in stone and this was my lot in life? Six months had gone by since my last appointment and here I was again, waiting impatiently in the waiting room.

What as happened in those six months that he would need to know and that I would need to tell him, in order for him to understand where I am today, in my somewhat mental health. I guess those pass six months have proven, I’m not suicidal because if I were, I would not be sitting in this chair today and he would have lost one of his many patients.

But how have I improved or declined since my last visit? Mental health isn’t as black or white as other physical illnesses and therefore much harder to explain and pinpoint. For me each day and everyday is a fight and a struggle to survive this war within. Some days very intense, others maybe not so intense, but a struggle none the less. It’s a fight to function, to move, to feel happiness, to perform. Some days I do fairly well, others not so well.

The last few weeks I have found myself spiraling downward into a deep hole of despair. Wanting to sleep more, to escape the pain. Longing just to feel okay. Not being afraid to face the day, just to know I can do this. But lots of my days I loose my fight, I run out of ammunition, there’s nothing left to fight with. I’m exhausted, tired, frustrated and lots of times hopelessness creeps in and tries to steal that little bit of ‘being’ that I have left. But I won’t let go, I hold on tight.

My pain becomes real through my tears. I have moments when I have to let them escape and let some of the pain go. Sometimes I think I feel healing in my tears. Some people may call that weakness but I call that strength. Keeping it all inside is weakness; not wanting or knowing what to do with the pain. Finding ways to cope, to heal, to be okay; is strength! On most days, that’s how I have functioned.

But the scary days come when you feel you are loosing control, when you are loosing your battle and you have no strength to fight back. That’s the scary days and that’s where I am today.’

I believe he heard me, he was listening. But I also believe that he knows that this is really what my life is, was and always will be. I will have good days and bad days, but I have to accept that that’s the way this illness works, much like any other illness, you have it and you just have to learn to live with it. Right now I feel really low but I have to believe that I will bounce back again. That the light will shine again, that the spark will come back into my eyes, my energy and drive will increase and life will be restored to my being.

I know what I have written is very personal and some would call private. But if I am going to be honest and expose this horrible disease for what it is, then I have to tell it like it is and hide nothing. Good days and bad days. If I have to sacrifice my own privacy to help others to see and feel this misunderstood, stigmatized and cruel disease, then I will do so.

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His Love Has No Limit

I believe it’s when I’m in the most pain, that God uses me the most. My pain triggers my brain to unleash what’s imprisoned in my mind. Some thoughts are impossible to describe by my pen, they have to be lived and felt in order to fully comprehend the pain they bring to one’s life. I am not referring here to the feeling of down-in-the-dumps kind of pain.

When major/clinical depression hits, and it can hit at any moment, without warning; one’s ‘self’ can disappear into the depression, you loose who you really are. Your personality is dissolved with your tears, your soul is destroyed by it’s flames, your being is no more. You exist, nothing more then a robot, you go through the motions. But you search and long for that ‘you’, the one that you once knew. The one that you felt love towards, now you hate what you have become. Not that I have become a monster but quite the opposite. There are times when it seems as though someone came into my space and turned the lights off; I was in complete darkness. That was the acute stage of this illness.

Today I still have this illness and struggle with it everyday. Not unlike someone with any other incurable illness have to struggle with theirs on a day to day bases. I still have days when I find it hard to even do the small tasks that need to be done, but I do them. I now know my limits and only do what I can with what I have. There are still days when sadness overflows me like a flood. And days when my strength and drive is at it’s lowest.

But having said all of that, I believe, and no I’m not getting all religious on you and no it’s not my illness or my medication talking, I am totally of a sound and sane mind. But I am going to tell you that the only way I have survived this illness thus far is through the constant presence of my Heavenly Father. On days when I am not doing so well, I hold onto His hand a little tighter. And when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when I could not hold on; then it was those days that He literally carried me. There is no other explanation. Nothing! The medical field can only do so much and then no more.

But then the Great Physician steps in. And that’s why I’m still here today, to tell you there is hope in Jesus. He is not my last resort but my only hope! And He can be yours too. No matter what you are struggling with today, no matter what your addiction is, no matter your illness, no matter your pain. It doesn’t matter how hopeless you feel, how far down you may be. Jesus can and will raise you up again! There is only one answer, when you feel you have exhausted all resources, He is ‘still’ there.

I want to leave with you a portion of a song that sums up this blog and reinforces what I’m trying to say:

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure, His pow’r has no boundary known onto men; For out of His infinite riches in Jesus, He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.                                                           When we have exhausted our store of endurance, When our strength has failed ere the day is half done; When we reach the end of our hoarded resources, Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

I pray today that this blog as reached the ears of the hurting, to the heart that is broken, to the soul that is helpless; may you find peace and healing in the one that loves you unconditionally. He loves you just as you are, no matter what. And if He’s not your Saviour today, it’s not too late. He loves you just as you are; broken, tired, hopeless and lost. Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace are you saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God”.

 

 

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Mental Illness; So What?

Mental illness has been one of the most misunderstood, stigmatized and misdiagnosed illnesses of all time. To be honest it’s only in more recent years to be even considered an illness. Speaking from experience, I believe I’ve become a little bit of an ‘expert’ in the field. Not because I’m a trained therapist, I’m not, but I believe there are some things you cannot learn from a book. Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for those working in the mental health field. But living with a mental illness all my life has given me knowledge, understanding and insight that I would have never  received if I  had not suffered from this horrific illness myself. Mine being Major (Clinical) Depression and Anxiety.

I have paid an enormous price for this insight into mental illness. It as cost me greatly, I have lost so much because of my illness and brought much pain and worry to both my families. And also it’s affected so much of my social life, especially that being the lost of many friends and close acquaintances.

When I’m experiencing a ‘not so good day’, I just need to be alone but yet it’s the last thing I want. Being alone is the last thing someone should be when not feeling well. A sure symptom of depression is isolating, where socializing and being around people is hard to do. You can feel all alone in the most crowded room. Or to the opposite extreme where being around people can make you feel so overwhelmed and anxiety provoking. You feel guilty because you are feeling sad and you don’t want to bring others down. And there are days when you just can’t hide how you are really feeling, for the sake of others. You have to be honest and admit, I’m not having a good day.

I cannot remember the last time I could say, ‘I had a good day’. I sat in my doctor’s office, with tears trickling down my face and I looked into his eyes and said, ‘If this is living, I’m not living’. I have an amazing, compassionate, caring doctor but he doesn’t have the answers; there is only so much that he can do. It is my belief that what can be done both medically and therapeutically for me, is done. The brain is the most complex organ in the body and the least is known about it. Therefore it is least treatable.

Am I discouraged? Yes, I have days when I think, what’s the point? And feel like flushing my meds down the toilet. I’m not winning this war. But then I think of where I was six years ago, to where I am today; I’ve come a long way. I have to believe that achieving and maintaining a healthy mind is not a single battle, but an on going war. And God knows I have fought my battles, I’m still in the war. But I cannot throw down my armour and wave my white flag in surrender and let depression win, I just can’t. Even when I feel like all options are gone, I still have the promise of God; to never leave me or forsake me.

I feel like I’m walking on water, but I’m sinking… I’m going down. But I’ve taken my medication religiously, I’ve done everything right to my knowledge but yet that heavy gnawing inside me; a sad, aching feeling that something isn’t right inside my head. The darkness is desperately trying to swallow me. Depression may be in my mind, but it’s not in my imagination, this is real. You know that something is wrong and you are grasping for help.

When you’re in the darkness of depression, you need a reason to hope. But lately I’m having days when hope is nearly gone. Even if you’re trying medications (and I’ve tried what seems like hundreds) that didn’t work, at least I still felt I was doing something, even if that something is figuring out what won’t work. But if we do nothing at all, then we are hopeless. So to keep hope alive, I fight with every ounce of strength I have within me and pray that my strength doesn’t fail. A very scary place to be.

I know that because this illness is so stigmatized and misunderstood, that many minimize it’s seriousness and existence. I can sit here for hours and talk of my experience but the best way I feel you may get a better understanding of this illness and what it can do, is for me to give you some statistics to prove my point.

300 million people around the world have depression, according to the World Health Organization.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the workplace.

1 in 5 people in Canada will experience a mental illness (Canadian Mental Health Association).

The Centre for Suicide Prevention states: “The number of people who die by suicide each year in Canada equates to a jumbo jet 747 crashing and killing everyone on board….. every single month of the year. If as many people died in plane crashes as they do by suicide, there would be a pubic uproar. Instead, SUICIDE is swept under the carpet and not talked about”.

The latest research shows there were 3,926 suicides in Canada in 2016.

Canada loses close to 200 children and youth to suicide every year.

Today in Canada 10 people will end their lives by suicide; up to 200 others will attempt so.

Suicide is currently ranked as the 9th leading cause of death in Canada.

Majority of suicides are due to some form mental illness.

The statistics speak for themselves, ‘this illness is real’. And not talking about it will not make it go away but will only intensify it’s effect on mankind. I believe that with time, these statistics will keep growing and we are headed for an epidemic that will be out of control. I pray that I am wrong but time will tell. Watch the Clock!

 

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‘The Most Happy Season Of All’

The magic of the Season fills the air. The all anticipated day is just around the corner. Kids are overflowing with excitement for the arrival of that big jolly soul; Santa Claus. And parents are in panic mode to find that perfect gift for their child. Christmas is here again for another year. But where as the time gone, it seems we only took down the Christmas tree from last year; only months ago. I think the older I get, the faster time flies. One thing that hasn’t really changed from last year is my battle with my mental illness; major depression and anxiety disorder. No matter what the season, it doesn’t go away. Hidden deep down in the recesses of my being is that ever lingering feeling of emptiness and sadness.

Of all the illnesses, and I am not saying one is worse then the other, but I am saying the only one that steals your happiness is depression. With all other illnesses you can still live a happy life, despite your illness and I realize that requires work but it can be done. But depression affects that part of your brain that controls your mood; whether you are happy or sad. If your brain’s serotonin levels are down, then this will affect just how happy or sad you are. Its not a matter of choice. That’s why I have to take a medication known as a SSRI. SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) block the reabsorption (reuptake) of serotonin in my brain, making more serotonin available to me. Medication may not be a cure but it certainly helps and I would encourage anyone dealing with depression to get medical help.

So during this ‘most happy season of all’,  for someone fighting this illness, sure makes it a little tougher to find that happy in the season. That doesn’t mean I will not share in the fun and spirit of Christmas; I will certainly have to work a little harder to participate in all it has to offer. But I will do it, in spite of my illness. It will not steal all of my Christmas cheer, nor will I allow it to take the memories that we will make during this Christmastime.

To all of you out there that are fighting your own battles; mental illnesses, physical illnesses, cancer, loss of a loved one; whatever it may be, may you embrace the ‘Reason for the Season’. That being the birth of a Saviour, who came to be the light of the World. May you feel the light beams of His loving arms surrounding you this Christmas Season. And remember, God loves you, know matter what your circumstances may be right now. We can find some happiness in the Season; this ‘Most Happy Season of all’. 

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Who Am I Today?

After living a lifetime with a mental illness and not knowing what it was, makes it hard to describe who I am today. I’m still trying to figure out who that person was back there. A time when mental illness wasn’t even looked upon as even an illness. Nobody really knew what it was, it was just that, ‘IT’. But after living with ‘it’ for all my life, I believe I have some insight into what ‘it’ is and who I am.

‘IT’ is most definitely, beyond question, an illness. Looking back over the years I can see now, what was wrong with me, I was ill. As a little boy I remember experiencing extreme anxiety, due to worry. I worried that my Mom and Dad were going to die. My two younger brothers were going to get lost in the woods, drown by falling off a wharf or just not come back home. School, for me, was a source of anxiety that no child should have ever had to endure. But no one knew how to help or what was even wrong. Let alone being diagnosed with a mental illness. But that was exactly what was going on; my brain was not processing the information it was receiving properly, my signals were misfiring as it were.

At a very young age I remember being sad, alone, inadequate, unworthy, scared, etc. Back then i didn’t know what those emotions were but looking back; I do now. When I look at my Grade one school picture, I see a sad little boy, I can see pass the sad, dark eyes into the mind of a very disturbed and fragile little boy; who felt lost in the crowd. But how could such a young little boy be having those very adult emotions? My only explanation that I could find was that it was in my genes and I was predisposed to this illness from my conception until this present day.

This present day, now where does that bring me? ‘It’ still follows me everywhere I go, it’s in my dreams, my crowded thoughts, it’s forever present; even when my thoughts are distracted, eventually ‘it’ comes back. I long for freedom, for that morning when I can get out of bed and not have the dread of ‘it’ following me around all day. A day when I can just enjoy life and not be tormented and weighed down by this thing I call ‘it’.

So who am I today? Not much different then that little boy, all those years ago. I still have many fears, inadequacies, insecurities, worries, etc. But since those days I sure have learned a lot about ‘it’. I have learned to accept my mental illness for what it is; an illness. And on days when I’m not feeling so good, panic strikes and thoughts of a relapse arise; I tell myself, ‘I got this’, I’ve been down this road before and I will get over this ‘hump’ again. Through the years I have learned various coping skills that ‘usually’ help get me through that rough spot.

But I believe today that the years of struggling and dealing with this illness has taken it’s tole on me in all areas of my life. Physically it has exhausted me to a point of being overwhelming; I fight to keep moving, then there are times when I just have to give up and sleep. And with that comes the feeling of guilt, that I should be able to keep going. Mentally the trauma of my illness has left me with memory loss, loss of train of thought, mental fog and lack of concentration. All of which make it difficult for me to live a normal functioning life. Then Spiritually it as prompted me to question why I was never healed, right now I don’t have an answer to that question. But I am willing to leave it up to God, He knows best.

So here I am looking at the big picture, a lifetime of mental illness. I now see that there’s no different in living a lifetime with diabetes, heart disease,  or kidney disease. I am not exempt from illness anymore then the next person. So I accept my lot in life; but I have to pray for God’s grace, strength and mercy for each new day. When in my finite mind I can’t see how I can get through the next day or how I can put one foot in front of the other. I trust in an infinite God and He will see me through and will never leave me alone.

So in answer to the question of ” Who am I today?. I am the same person that I always was and is and will ever be. My DNA is still the same. Just with a lot of battle scars, mountains to climb and rivers to cross. But I will be the best that I can be with what I have!