Tag: fear

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No Options Left!

The screams of terror, fear and pain fill the house. No, we are not watching a horror movie; it seems we are living it. Logan rushes to close the bedroom door because he can’t bare to hear his little sister in so much pain. It was just Monday, October 22,2018 that Lauren had her third spica cast removed. For anyone having a cast removed is never pleasant but for Lauren it’s even worse because her cerebral palsy exemplifies itself by spasticity(tightness)  of the muscles.

Because her muscles have been unable to move within the cast: they are now weak, tight and very little control over her movement. If she is moved at all, even to do a pamper change, throws her into an horrifying rage. We have to put her in a bath of epson salts and very warm water to help relax and awaken her now ‘sleeping’ muscles. Getting her from the bed to the bathtub is nothing short of a nightmare. She is clawing at my neck in hopes of getting relief from the fear and pain. Once she gets in the tub with Mommy, she starts to settle down and relax a little, to a point where she is just floating. We do this for about twenty minutes. Then its time to get out and the terror starts all over again.

Why am I telling you all of this? It’s because I want to educate and make you aware of what’s involved in caring for a child with a disability. And also to make you aware that our insensitive, non caring, non compassionate Government does nothing to help. We has her parents feel so all alone and no support, we have to provide 24/7 care ourselves with  no respite care because we can’t pay for it ourselves and our Government as declined  any help whatsoever. We are not complaining about what we have to do, because we love Lauren and would give our lives for her. But we believe we deserve a little help from our Government to receive some respite care. We are only human and we are running on empty and this road is just beginning and we are falling beneath the load already.

What do we have to do to get some help? I am tired of pleading with our Government officials MHA, MP, Minister of Health, Minister responsible for the Status of Persons with Disabilities, etc. Where did I get with all this advocating? No Where!

Where else can I go? What else can I do? We have run out of options and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Who can help? Who will help? Someone as to do something and I’m calling upon our Government to get their heads out of the sand, to hell with policy and do what’s right for this little girl and her family.

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Surviving Panic Attacks

Panic attacks can be one of the most frightening experiences of your life. For the person having a panic attack you feel you are about  to die and panic consumes your whole body and mind. Your body automatically goes into the ‘fight or flight response’. This kicks in when your body feels it is in immediate danger, often when we have an overload of adrenaline (due to excessive stress on our bodies) running through our body. Our only escape is to fight or run from the danger, what we are experiencing is a ‘panic attack’.

We cannot deny what we are feeling is real but what we are experiencing will not hurt us. Some symptoms that are associated with a panic attack are; intense fear, excessive worry such as you are loosing control, heart palpitations, sweating, shaking, shortness of breath or a feeling of smothering and an intense rush of heat running through your body.

For me, panic attacks were frightening and I lived in fear of when the next one would attack my body. I remember having panic attacks several times a day and especially when I awakened in the morning. The fear that accompanied a panic attack was so intense I thought for sure I would die and at times wished I did, so I could escape this hell.

I learned with time and counselling some things that helped during a panic attack. First I had to take control of my breathing. When  in an attack my breath was fast and shallow but that would make my attack worse. I had to focus intensely on my breathing and take deep breaths. I would breath in on the count of four, hold for count of three and breath out on the count of four. Do this for four or five times and I found this would calm me down somewhat.

Remind yourself that panic attacks cannot hurt you, the panic will reside in a few minutes, which may seem like hours. You have to look at your panic attack as being a ship riding out a storm. You have to let your attack to take its course and ride it out. Don’t try to fight it, that will only make it worse. I know that’s hard to do when you are in the middle of a panic attack and all you want to do is fight.

My panic attacks were so frequent and frightening that I was prescribed medication. I used one pill for each panic attack that I had and was taken by dissolving under my tongue. This way the medication got into my bloodstream almost immediately. It did help to calm me down, it was used as a band aid and could not be used for long term use. I had to learn how to cope and get  these attacks under control myself.

Another form of self-help was a method that was taught by my doctor called mindfulness (to learn more about this in greater detail visit Google). In a nutshell, it was living in the moment. Not letting your mind  wander to the pass or to the future., if it did just gently bring it back to the moment and concentrate on your breathing, pay attention to the inhaling and exhaling of your breath.

A big part of being able to survive a panic attack is through distraction; refocusing your mind to or on something else. This does take practice and even seems silly but if you want to take control of your panic attacks and not the other way around, then you will do whatever it takes. This is something else I learned in therapy; use your senses. And by that I mean, use your sense of smell to distract your mind. Use a scent, such as orange peel, feel it as it flows through your nostrils. Is it pleasant or unpleasant? Do you like the smell or not? Keep concentrating on the orange peel and nothing else. The sense of touch; hold something in your hand and keep your thoughts on how it feels. Rough or smooth? Describe it to yourself. Another sense you could use is the sense of hearing (you don’t use all the senses at one time). Distract  yourself yourself by listening to the sounds around you. How many different sounds can you hear? Keep listening until your panic attack as subsided. Then lastly you can use your sense of sight; look around the room at the different colors you can see. What colors are there? How many can you see? Let your thoughts only go to the colors and nothing else. Practice makes perfect.

I must admit my panic attacks lasted for a long time, maybe 2-3 years, but that was me; everyone is different. I haven’t experienced a panic attack for a while now and I hope I will never experience another. It is one of the worse, horrifying, frightening and paralyzing experiences of my whole illness. I am thankful that right now I haven’t had one in a long time. But be encouraged, as bad as they are, they will not kill you; they just feel like they will. You too will conquer this ravishing beast; this horrible chapter in your life.

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Fate/Fear

One thing I can say about my blog writings is that I am honest and open about my mental health. Whether that being good or bad; whether that being what you want to read or not. I want to be truthful on how I am feeling; ‘the truth shall set you free’. That’s what this blog/website is all about, my journey through this horrible illness and to give my readers an honest insight into this debilitating disorder. I know that being open with you the reader, helps to free me of some of what I am feeling; I’m unleashing some of my innermost thoughts that can destroy me; a form of therapy. My writings are not a form of enthusiasm or self glory, but instead an outlet, a release, a form in which to unleash my thoughts. My mental illness is certainly not something to be enthusiastic about but it certainly has been an amazing instrument of healing. And certainly not something to bring glory to myself, that is why it as taken a lifetime for me to even talk about my illness because of the shame, embarrassment, indignity and worthlessness it as brought to my life. I won’t win any popularity contest but I will help others and that’s my goal.

Today I have to be honest; I wish I could say I’m feeling great, in reality compared to where I was, which was at a maximum intensity level, right now, this very day, I am at a moderate intensity level. I am still struggling with my depression and anxiety and although I try to live in the moment; my mind still, at times, travels to the darkness where fear is raging, that I could  relapse. And with all the stress and triggers that are in my life (that aren’t going away) I have that right to be fearful.  So today I’m taking that fear by the throat and squeezing the life out of it. I will and cannot live by fear, I am taking back the power, with God’s help. Despite my ugly, smothering triggers, I will rise above it. What choice do I have?  I will fight for my life and accept my fate.

What does that mean? Accept my fate. It means I will accept what I cannot control about my illness.  I saw this quote the other day, ‘ Accept your fate or your fate will destroy you”. Now that’s a big statement to make but I do see the truth in it. Acceptance for me was what put me on the path to healing. Fighting it all the time only exhausted me and made things worse. Acceptance doesn’t mean I gave into my depression and anxiety but I now have power over it. It relieves me of it’s ugly grip. I may have clinical depression and anxiety but ‘it’ doesn’t have me. And yes I do have days when I feel ‘it’ has me but I have to believe and hope that it will pass.  Acceptance means I am no longer in denial, I have this illness. By not admitting it; won’t make it go away. By not talking about it won’t make it go away. And wishing that things were back to before I had my last relapse, won’t make it happen. This is my new normal. The same would be said if I had any other illness, so there is no reason why I can’t say I have a mental illness.

It may be my fate to have this illness and I may have fear of this roaring lion to attack. But fate and fear does not have the last word. I still have to believe that it’s going to be okay and I will not give in but trust to my higher power to hold the pieces together. The things that I myself can control about my life and illness, I will give it all I got. But the things that I  have no control over, and they are many, I will leave into the most capable hands of my Heavenly Father; who knows what He’s doing.

 

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Does Mental Illness Change Who You Are?

Am I the same person I was before I became severely ill? No and neither are you. None of us are; we are forever evolving. There are times when I look back and wish I were that person again but that’s not going to happen. And that is probably for the best. Maybe my experience through my illness as made me an even better person; more understanding, compassionate and more aware of myself and others around me.

But the part of me that wants that old person back (the  person before my illness) is the part of me that didn’t have to fight to be happy, I didn’t have to put on a front or a forced smile, it just happened. Although I am at a better stage in my illness, I still struggle everyday to be “well”. And also that little voice in my subconscious that reminds me every day that my life can change in a second. My greatest fear; a relapse! But I can’t live in fear that that’s going to happen. I have to be aware of my illness everyday and be conscious  of my mental well being and never let my guard down. If that’s what’s required to keep me mentally healthy then that’s what I’ll do.

I am now at a crucial stage of my recovery; sometimes I think it’s a more dangerous stage then my acute stage. It’s a time when you have a tendency to let your guard down and with this illness; everyday is a work in progress. You have to constantly keep your mind in the moment and never forget where you came from.  Things can change; your circumstances, your everyday routines, life struggles, positive and negative stresses. Any of these things can trigger a setback. And that can put your mind in a spin and panic can set in rather quickly. But remind yourself that nobody as a perfect day, life comes with it’s ups and downs, good and bad…. a roller coaster ride. But because we    have a bad day doesn’t mean we have to head back to the psychic  ward. This too shall pass!

There is one thing I’ve learned  and that is people are watching. Now that can add extra stress to your day but it’s best to concentrate on your own well being and not get caught up in what others think or say. It’s only you that knows what’s going on, on the inside. Too bad we can’t wear our illness on our foreheads, that way people would not have to surmise how you are feeling. As with  other illnesses, you can visually see how that person is doing but dangerously with mental  illness; you cannot see, everything may look fine on the outside.

Yes, I have changed, but that doesn’t mean I’m not the same person but in a different way. The illness itself as taken its toll on me both mentally and physically. But I live everyday with  what I have, some days good,other  days not so good. I work with what I have; strength/ weakness, positivity / negativity, courage / fear, whatever it may be ; I do it because I have to.

I now look at life in an whole new perspective . I don’t take one second for granted. Life is so unpredictable, tragedy or sickness can change your life without a moments notice. What we choose to do with it can make all the difference. It can make us bitter or better. I strive everyday to be that better person.

Change is a part of life. And yes I have changed and I hope you can accept that change in me. I’m trying to be the best of my ability to  be the best person I can be with what I have. Take me for who I am at this moment, for the people that have been with me through this change, please remember; we have all changed. Embrace the change and go with it. It’s not a bad thing! Change is inevitable in all of us!