Tag: Depression

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I’m Done

It seems like forever since I have written a blog about me. I sat down in my office, put the white, blank paper in front of me, equipped myself with my weapon; the pen. And stared blankly out the window in front of the desk, with not a word to write. I was DONE, empty, tired and alone. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything left to write about but maybe my mind was bombarded with thoughts and I just didn’t know where to start.  I wanted  thoughts to heal myself and words to help someone else. But I felt neither.

I’ve been down this road so many times, and yet today feels like this is my first entry. Depression and anxiety are so hard to write about; the vastness of their symptoms and their indescribable pain, make it impossible to write on paper.  Yes, I have come so far but life’s triggers make it so easy to go two steps back. It’s a constant battle that I will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. But because of how far I have come, I believe I can do this. Not for anyone else but for me. That may sound selfish but in reality it’s not at all. Let me explain; depression is an illness for me, it’s not a feeling that I can turn on or off. I cannot make myself better for someone or something else, it doesn’t work that way. If it did I would have done that a long time ago. If my heart is sick; I can’t fix it. If my kidneys were sick; I can’t fix it. If my brain is sick (and it is, I am not denying that); I can’t fix it!

What I do every day is work with what I have. Some days are fairly good, other’s are not; not unlike any other illness. My depression as told me so many lies but I have come to terms with that and accepted that that’s what they are; lies. My illness as told me I am weak, when in reality in order to cope with this illness, you require the strength that is far beyond our own human strength and for that I give God all the Glory. Another lie; I am worthless, when really I am bought with a price. And nothing can separate me or you from the love of God. No matter what we have done, how worthless we feel; God loves us just as we are. My illness as made me feel so insecure within myself; I am not a good father, I am not a good husband, I am not……and the list goes on. But these insecurities stem from what depression as stolen from me. But everyday, day by day, I’m taking it back. It’s hard work and it’s going to take time but I am determined, with God’s help, to conquer every battle this illness throws in my path.

I’m taking back everything that I have lost, it may take a lifetime but I will do it. I am certainly not there yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I am worth it, I am strong, I am secure, I am courageous, I am a fighter. And if you are out there and you know what I’m talking about; you can do it too. Believe in God, believe in yourself, just believe! You can do it!

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Guilty

I feel guilty, guilty that I feel sad, empty, useless, lost…. I could go on and on. When will this ever end? Will my tears ever stop from flowing? I’m usually the one trying to encourage someone else through this horrible, never ending (it seems) illness of depression. But today I need someone to encourage me and tell me it’s going to be okay and that I will get through this again.

As I write, tears stain my paper, I try to stop them but they won’t stop. The fear overpowers any thoughts that I may have. It awakens me from my sleep and panic starts to creep in. I tell myself it’s going to be okay, that I’m okay; but the fear tells me that maybe I’m relapsing. But I know I cannot let that happen; but how do I stop it from happening? For someone who has this disorder, it’s like saying I’m going to stop myself from getting cancer. Yes there are things we can do to help prevent both illnesses but we cannot stop it from happening. But I have to stop it! I/we will not survive another relapse. This illness can destroy anything in it’s path. Just like a raging forest fire; it can consume anything in it’s path.

I’m trying desperately to stay out of it’s path. To find a way to safety and refuge. It’s so hard to try and talk about how I am feeling. The words that would fall from my lips are not words you want to share. Words you just want to hide and never have to speak. But sometimes I just have to talk, to write, to blog; or if not, I would explode and drown in my own despair.

I’m wanting so desperately not to have to fight anymore. Why can’t I just ‘be’? I’m tired of fighting, tired of having to be what the world expects me to be. When in reality the last few days have been brutal, when behind my curtain of shame and guilt, I’m not feeling like the life of the party.

Why now? Why does it feel like I’m lost in a sea of desperation? Maybe I do have a lot on my plate; triggers that awaken my sleeping monster of depression. Overwhelmed by life itself but I have to be strong, be happy, be alive. When in reality, I feel depression as killed my spirit. Is there hope that my spirit can be revived? Can I resuscitate my deflated spirit? I must, I will, I shall!

Is it possible to rebuild and restore my broken spirit? It seems today is a day of questions but I need answers. I have to believe they will come. Maybe there are some questions that have no answers. Because they are questions, I guess doesn’t necessarily mean that they have answers. Maybe tomorrow will come with a renewed spirit, a mended broken heart, a new lease on life. There has to be a breakthrough, there just has to be!

I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I’m having a bad few days. If I had any other illness, would I feel guilty? Why is it that mental illness is associated with so much guilt, shame and embarrassment?  I’m hurting and in pain; and for that I will not apologize. I just live in hope that tomorrow will be better.

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Comfort in Trouble

It basically took me a lifetime of suffering with depression to realize that there was probably a good reason for all this pain. It could not have all been in vain and nothing good could come out of it all. There had to be a reason, a purpose, for all this misery that depression and anxiety had brought to my life. The fire of this illness had consumed me to nothing but ashes. But out of the ashes there will come some good.

I was reminded of this very fact when I recently read this from a devotional, which said, ‘The tough things we experience can help us understand others, relate to others and gain valuable resources with which we can help others’. I knew there had to be something positive hidden under all those ashes. And when I started digging, I realized what it was. To help others! I believe that the most effective person that could help someone with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; is someone who as walked down the same road.

I may not have all the answers but I can feel the pain, feel the hurt and listen without judgement. And I am someone who totally ‘gets it’, I understand where you are. When others don’t understand, not because they don’t care but because they haven’t been there; they aren’t where you are and therefore just cannot fully comprehend what it is you are going through.

In recent years I have dealt with more hurt, pain and trials then I have in all my lifetime combined. And I have often asked God, ‘why?’. Why do I have to experience so much tribulation?And I’m sure in your own situations you have questioned God and asked, ‘why?’. And the only answer I could find is found in 2 Corinthians 1:4 “God comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble”.

I guess God had it all figured out before I even existed. I learned two life lessons from this Bible verse. One is that God comforts me in all my tribulation. So no matter what  my troubles are, I can be assured that God will comfort me no matter the circumstances that I might find myself in. He is present in the rain and the sunshine. Secondly, I believe God knew in order for us to be touched by someone else’s infirmities; we would have to experience them for ourselves. Because I have a mental illness, I can be a comfort to someone else who is dealing with a mental illness themselves. Nothing brings me greater pleasure, a feeling of accomplishment and self worth; as does when I have encouraged and offered support, hope and comfort to someone else.

So mental illness; you haven’t beaten me down, you haven’t destroyed me, you haven’t had the last word. You have not won!  God will bring light out of the darkness, good out of the bad and comfort out of our tribulations and trouble. In Him will I trust!

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My 8 Symptoms of Clinical Depression and Major Anxiety

I just recently published a blog entitled; ‘My Will To Live’. This was a blog about one of the most serious symptoms of Depression and that being, it takes away your will to live. And sad to say, for many this can lead to suicide. This symptom gradually eats away at your will, your desire to live. The pain of living is too overwhelming. But as sufferers and I’m speaking for myself, we have to find a way to overpower our thinking and realize that life is worth living. Dealing with this symptom alone is enough to kill the spirit of the strongest person on earth. But along with this symptom comes many more. I would just like to elaborate on some of these symptoms and give you my own personal experience and the way in which I dealt with each symptom. I hope this can help you on your journey of hope through this hellish illness.

Another symptom that I struggled with is; trouble concentrating, remembering details, memory loss, making decisions and loosing train of thought. When I  was at the worse stage of my illness, I could not read a book, watch television or work on my computer because I could not concentrate long enough to focus on what it was I was reading or watching. My memory was minimal, especially around the time I was having  ECT  treatments. I have large blocks of my life that I don’t remember and I still struggle today with my memory. And connected to memory loss would be loosing my train of thought. I could be in the middle of a conversation and not remember what I was talking about. So today I cannot trust to my memory, if I need to remember something, I have to write it down. This can be very scary when you cannot trust your own brain.

Fatigue was and is a symptom that plagued my life. I had zero energy, my fuel tank was running on empty. You knew you had to do something, like go for a walk, but you had no idea how you were going to get the strength to do it. So I started with baby steps, I didn’t start by running a marathon. I started by doing a five minute walk, now at the time that seemed impossible but I had to start somewhere and I gradually worked my way up. I remember lying on the sofa and Logan pulling on my finger to play with him. There was nothing I wanted to do more but there were times when my mind and body just could not do it. Today I still fight fatigue but not to the extent that I did then.

Then there were the feelings (and they were real)  of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness. I had no self worth, no hope of escaping this hell, no personality, no self confidence and no way of helping myself back to ‘myself’. I existed as a physical being and nothing else. These symptoms dragged me down to death’s door but thankfully that door didn’t open. I still struggle with these feelings but I realize that’s what they are; feelings. And today I realize these feelings cannot hurt me and I can, with God’s help, rise above them.

Most people dealing with major depression find they either sleep too much or they cannot sleep at all or very little. I think I suffered with both . When I was very acute I slept what seemed to be always. But then I went through a stage where I could not sleep at all and I believe this was due to my anxiety being so high. Either way, neither were very pleasant to deal with. Today I sleep fairly well with the aid of prescribed  medication, which I would not want to be without.

Another bothersome symptom is you either overeat or appetite loss. Therefore you either gain a lot of weight or you loose a lot of weight. For me I loss my appetite completely. I would sit at the table and look at my plate and wonder how am I ever going to eat that. But I knew if I were going to improve, I had to eat, so I would force myself to do so. After months, my appetite did return. But during my time of appetite loss, I was a walking corpse; skin over bones. But thank God today I even have a ‘pop belly’. And I will never complain over that. Just thankful that I now can eat.

One very common symptom with depression is an overwhelming sense of sadness. And because of being sad, you have the uncontrollable desire to be very emotional and crying frequently. And lots of times you didn’t even know why you were crying. But I believe there was healing in my tears, they helped to express the way I was really feeling.

A symptom that was very evident in me was , I loss all interest in everything. The things I loved to do, I now had absolutely no interest in doing anymore. One example and it’s also a symptom is I did not want to socialize anymore. I felt all alone in a crowded room of family and friends. I would prefer to isolate, which is very common in major depression. But I knew I could not do this for an extended period of time. If I were going to improve; I had to be around people. Even today I struggle with gatherings, large crowds but I am doing so much better.

The list of symptoms can go on but those are the ones that probably dominated my illness. I also suffered panic attacks but I believe that was an illness all on it’s own rather then a symptom. And it would require a blog of it’s own (so stay tuned for that blog). I hope in some way I have helped you to understand what someone, dealing with major depression, is going through. And for those who are living with a mental illness, I hope you realize that these symptoms will lessen as you start to improve and life will get better. But remember it does take time, so don’t give up on hope, you can live through this; we’ll do it together!

 

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Rainy Days

The morning clouds my foggy mind. I grasp for the light, I reach from within to find just a glimmer. My depression consumes the light, darkness overpowers my thoughts, But it will not win, I am strong, courageous and a fighter, this illness will not conquer me, though some days it feels like it just might. Fierce might be the battle from within, but peace will come because I am in control.

The pain I feel from inside is not a sharp, shooting pain, as if I cut my finger; but a sad , empty, lonely, searching pain. I’m desperately seeking an escape; an escape that will lead to peace, calm and happiness. To find a place where I don’t have to fight anymore, the fight has left me tired, I just don’t want to fight anymore. The battle as left me exhausted and drained, to a point where I have little of anything left to live with, my fuel tank is running on empty it seems.

Depression is an illness that is looked upon so lightly. The illness carries with it so much undeserved stigma, shame and misunderstanding. And this is why so many sufferers do so in silence and all alone; they feel they can’t tell others or seek help because that would mean they are weak and flawed. But that is so far from the truth, we have nothing to be ashamed of,  we have an illness that requires treatment and support. So forget the stigma and myths of this illness and talk about the way you feel and seek medical help; there is no shame in that!

I am reminded again this week as the news declares two more deaths by suicide of two very prominent, rich, successful icons. Both of these people, had it all, but both suffered from depression. Their illness killed them and their lifestyle and material possessions could not save them. They were consumed with that inner pain, that they could not escape and were forced to end the pain the only way they knew how. Tired of the battlefield in their minds; now no more fighting, no more war.

I began writing this blog very early in the morning, when I was alone with my thoughts. My thoughts can lead me into very ugly, dark and hopeless places. But when they do, I refocus; I deter my thoughts to a more quieter, calm and bearable place.

It was then my thoughts reminded me I had to mow the lawn, now when I say lawn I mean practically a football field (in my mind that’s what I see). So I give myself a kick and off I go to mow the football field. No sooner then I began, it started to rain. So I weighed the pros and cons and make my decision to keep mowing the grass. Now some would call that stubbornness but I call it determination. I think it makes for a great analogy of my battle with depression and anxiety. I could have easily given in, if I went by my feelings, but I knew if I did my lawn would be overgrown and would not get done. So here I am in the pouring rain mowing my football field; call it stupidity if you like.

But here I am two hours later, soaked to the skin; but my lawn is done. If I had given up because of the rain, it would not have gotten done. So it is with depression, I have days when the ‘rain’ is pouring down, and I could get so discouraged, I could just give up. But let me encourage you and myself to never give up, no matter how hard it rains. Because eventually the rain will stop, if we just wait. The sun will shine again and the ironic thing is, it does.

I want to encourage those who are reading this and you feel you have had your share of rainy days. Trust me, it won’t rain always, right now it might feel it won’t stop but hang in there, the sun is sure to shine. I have my share of rainy days and sometimes there’s no end in sight but I have to hold on to my faith and my hope and believe that the sun will shine again!

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Where Did My ‘Normal’ Go?

For those of you who live a ‘normal’ life (and I say that a little sarcastically); I envy you! I would love just to feel ‘normal’ again. Just to be able to live life without an overwhelming since of despair. I remember what ‘normal’ felt like; I would jump out of bed (no thought, just jump), coffee tasted different, the sun was brighter, the clouds were gone, simple tasks I could do and not even have to think about it. But when you have a mental illness, nothing seems ‘normal’ anymore. Every tasks fills you with panic and fear; you have no strength left to do the things you once so much enjoyed, now they’ve become a burden. Things  that once brought you enjoyment bring emptiness. I fight everyday to bring back that ‘normal’. Where did it go? By ‘normal’ I don’t mean perfect, just free to live life with some enjoyment.

This horrifying illness as stolen my ‘normal’, my life, my will to go on at times.But yet there’s nothing I want more then just live. I have so much to live for but my depression consumes my life and leaves me with very little strength left to fight. And when you are exhausted and tired of living this existence; your patience is gone, your will to keep fighting is gone, your will to live is gone, your ability to be ‘normal’ is gone.

But how do I get it back? How do I go on? Especially when you have fought for so long to get your ‘normal’ back. I have to believe in myself that tomorrow is going to be better, never give up hope. Hope is the greatest antidepressant, without it I would not survive. Also my faith in God, even when God feels so far away, I know He is walking beside me and I’m sure some days He’s carrying me. Then there are days when I feel like Jesus did when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane, when He said.’My God why have you forsaken me’. There are times when I feel all alone. In an overpopulated world, in an overcrowded room; I still feel alone.

The part of this illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) that isolates me the most is that, for the most part, majority of people do not understand this illness. And I’m not blaming them, it’s just the way it is. I hope my writings have opened their eyes, minds, and hearts. May they realize this is not an illness of choice; but an illness of pain and suffering. But because they can’t see the pain and suffering doesn’t mean it’s not there. Support for many sufferers is definitely a big issue. Many are ashamed and afraid to ask for help from family and friends; afraid that they will be judged, stigmatized and misunderstood. And sadly to say, many people still don’t ‘get it’. Asking for help from the medical field is often not what we expected (I’ll save that for another blog).

So, yes I long to find my ‘normal’ again, I really miss it. But for now I’ll try to keep my head above water. When I say, ‘normal’, I use that word very loosely because there is no such thing as normal. It’s like using the word ‘perfect’, nothing is ‘perfect’. Let’s just say a somewhat healthy, functioning life would be nice. And to have a support system that understands, sometimes that means just allowing you to not be okay but accepts that in you, not having all the answers but a shoulder to lean on. Because sometimes what we need the most are not always words, but someone to just listen.

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How Are You?

                                                              I am depressed! That’s not an everyday answer to the question,” How are you?” I think if you answered with that phrase, the other person would go in shock or think you were crazy. The more sociable response would be; I’m doing fine, I’m great, I’m good, etc.  We live in a Society that really doesn’t want to hear the real truth of how you are truly feeling but the more politically correct response. If you are sensitive to negativity and only surround yourself with positive people or if you think negative thoughts are contagious; then you better stop reading and leave this blog. I believe sometimes we mistake pain and hurt for negativity. If I were to say I only have positive thoughts, then I would be lying. If I did, I would be in denial or living in a bubble. All illness, physical or mental, bring with it negativity. We have two forces moving through the universe; negative and positive. And in order to produce electricity we need both. I believe in order to live a balanced life we need both forces to ignite our fire. To say we do not have negative thoughts, then I believe we are suppressing reality. Just as the sun shines, so must the rain fall.

Reality for me is living with negative thoughts, do I choose to live with these thoughts? Do I have a choice about these thoughts? Absolutely not! I don’t have a on/off switch. Who in their right mind (no pun intended) would want to be bombarded by negative thinking. Certainly not me. But that’s what depression is; having more negative thoughts, then positive thoughts. I do my part to keep these thoughts under control when I am at a capable place in my mindset. O well, you might say, “All you have to do is think positive thoughts and surround yourself with positive people”. I pray to God it were that easy. That would be like saying to someone who has anorexia, “Just eat food”. It’s not that simple and that’s not the way it works. We have an illness, a brain disorder, and no amount of positive thinking will cure us. I’m hoping and praying that one day, my mind will heal completely, just as if I cut my finger and over time it healed.

My mental illness is much like a physical illness; if gone untreated it will only get worse and maybe even cause death. It is as real and painful has any physical illness. And will not go away on it’s own. “Suicide happens when pain exceeds the ability to cope”(Dianna Paige). People don’t kill themselves; their illness kills them. People are victims of suicide. Suicide is what kills them, their illness is what kills them. So mental illness needs to be treated before it escalates to a point where you have no hope.

How many slang negative terms can you come up with pertaining to mental illness; crazy, psycho, mental, insane, nuts, weird, etc. Now how many negative slang terms can you come up with for cancer? None, there are none. But both of these are illnesses; if you suffer an illness of the mind you are thought to be irrational but if you suffer a physical illness you are honorable, courageous and strong. Mental illness is the only illness that the person is blamed for their illness or lack of recovery.

I’m tired of living in a Society where you get a cast if your arm is broken, but if you have a mental illness, you become an outCAST.  Over the time it took to read this blog, over 20 people from around the world have died by suicide. With the proper support, guidance and care these deaths could have been prevented. It is up to us and is our responsibility to take a stand, end stigma and raise awareness for Mental Illness.

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Who Am I Today?

After living a lifetime with a mental illness and not knowing what it was, makes it hard to describe who I am today. I’m still trying to figure out who that person was back there. A time when mental illness wasn’t even looked upon as even an illness. Nobody really knew what it was, it was just that, ‘IT’. But after living with ‘it’ for all my life, I believe I have some insight into what ‘it’ is and who I am.

‘IT’ is most definitely, beyond question, an illness. Looking back over the years I can see now, what was wrong with me, I was ill. As a little boy I remember experiencing extreme anxiety, due to worry. I worried that my Mom and Dad were going to die. My two younger brothers were going to get lost in the woods, drown by falling off a wharf or just not come back home. School, for me, was a source of anxiety that no child should have ever had to endure. But no one knew how to help or what was even wrong. Let alone being diagnosed with a mental illness. But that was exactly what was going on; my brain was not processing the information it was receiving properly, my signals were misfiring as it were.

At a very young age I remember being sad, alone, inadequate, unworthy, scared, etc. Back then i didn’t know what those emotions were but looking back; I do now. When I look at my Grade one school picture, I see a sad little boy, I can see pass the sad, dark eyes into the mind of a very disturbed and fragile little boy; who felt lost in the crowd. But how could such a young little boy be having those very adult emotions? My only explanation that I could find was that it was in my genes and I was predisposed to this illness from my conception until this present day.

This present day, now where does that bring me? ‘It’ still follows me everywhere I go, it’s in my dreams, my crowded thoughts, it’s forever present; even when my thoughts are distracted, eventually ‘it’ comes back. I long for freedom, for that morning when I can get out of bed and not have the dread of ‘it’ following me around all day. A day when I can just enjoy life and not be tormented and weighed down by this thing I call ‘it’.

So who am I today? Not much different then that little boy, all those years ago. I still have many fears, inadequacies, insecurities, worries, etc. But since those days I sure have learned a lot about ‘it’. I have learned to accept my mental illness for what it is; an illness. And on days when I’m not feeling so good, panic strikes and thoughts of a relapse arise; I tell myself, ‘I got this’, I’ve been down this road before and I will get over this ‘hump’ again. Through the years I have learned various coping skills that ‘usually’ help get me through that rough spot.

But I believe today that the years of struggling and dealing with this illness has taken it’s tole on me in all areas of my life. Physically it has exhausted me to a point of being overwhelming; I fight to keep moving, then there are times when I just have to give up and sleep. And with that comes the feeling of guilt, that I should be able to keep going. Mentally the trauma of my illness has left me with memory loss, loss of train of thought, mental fog and lack of concentration. All of which make it difficult for me to live a normal functioning life. Then Spiritually it as prompted me to question why I was never healed, right now I don’t have an answer to that question. But I am willing to leave it up to God, He knows best.

So here I am looking at the big picture, a lifetime of mental illness. I now see that there’s no different in living a lifetime with diabetes, heart disease,  or kidney disease. I am not exempt from illness anymore then the next person. So I accept my lot in life; but I have to pray for God’s grace, strength and mercy for each new day. When in my finite mind I can’t see how I can get through the next day or how I can put one foot in front of the other. I trust in an infinite God and He will see me through and will never leave me alone.

So in answer to the question of ” Who am I today?. I am the same person that I always was and is and will ever be. My DNA is still the same. Just with a lot of battle scars, mountains to climb and rivers to cross. But I will be the best that I can be with what I have!

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Depression, I Hate You!

Depression, I hate you!                                                                                                                         Why can’t you just leave me alone?                                                                                             Why don’t you ever go away?

I hate that when I’m sad, people mistaken it for anger                                                        When really I’m so sad that I can’t find my happy                                                                  Where have you gone?                                                                                                                        I miss you so much.

I am angry                                                                                                                                                   Angry at depression                                                                                                                             Angry at what it has done to my life

You have stolen from me                                                                                                                     I hate the way you twist and distort my thoughts                                                                 You fill my head with ugliness.

I hate that there’s no cure                                                                                                                  But I need to escape this hell so desperately                                                                           Even though I try,                                                                                                                                   I fight every day;                                                                                                                                     every single day!

Depression, I hate you!                                                                                                                         You steal, you lie                                                                                                                                     You cover up the good and I can’t find it.

Give me back my life                                                                                                                             My days I have lost                                                                                                                                  The years I have lost                                                                                                                            I have missed so much                                                                                                                       And I hate you because I can never get it back.

Give me back the person I want to be                                                                                          The person I was before you destroyed me                                                                             Before you changed who I am.

I am so exhausted and tired                                                                                                              That makes me impatient with others and with me                                                             That’s not fair!

Depression, I am angry                                                                                                                        I am tired, I am sad                                                                                                                                 I hate you,                                                                                                                                                    I hate you,                                                                                                                                                 I  HATE YOU!!!!!

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SUICIDE

                                                         The most hushed word in the English language, I believe, is the word; SUICIDE! Why are we has a Society so afraid to discuss or even speak the word? It’s almost looked upon has a curse word, a bad word, even when spoken it should be whispered. But after reading this blog I hope our thinking, understanding and compassion toward suicide will take on an whole new perspective and we will see it in an whole new light.

Suicide brings up many questions but few answers. It is my intention to give some of my insight, my opinions into this silent killer. It is my hope that through this blog I may encourage someone that is contemplating suicide to think twice, give yourself another chance, you are worth it, there is hope, someone will listen if you would just reach out.

I have to admit this is not easy for me to do. I would rather not talk about it either, if I had a choice, but what good would that do? My whole purpose in blogging is to help others who are surrounded by this darkness and torment; therefore I have to speak out. It’s our only hope of finding the light and making the sun to shine again.  I remember so vividly when I was at the acute stage of my illness, when there was no hope in sight; all I wanted to do was die and end this hellish existence for everyone concerned.

“Committed Suicide”! Committed brings to mind something bad someone did willfully. It is not my belief that someone who dies of suicide does so willfully. As defined by Google, the word, ‘commit’ means ‘to perpetrate or carry out a mistake, crime or immortal act. You ‘commit’ a crime. Therefore this is a term I try not to use when referring to suicide. Rather than say, ‘someone committed suicide’, it’s more appropriate to say, ‘died from suicide’. Someone who died from suicide did not willfully choose to take their life; if they felt they had a choice they  would choose life. They have reached the point where nothing makes sense anymore. Having no life at all is better than the life they have. Your distorted thinking convinces you; your life is worthless and everyone would be better off without you. You are so exhausted from fighting this battlefield in your mind, that you just can’t fight anymore. When my Dad was dying, some of his last words were, ‘I just want peace’. Dad found that peace from his fight with cancer and is now at rest; no more fighting. The same is true for someone fighting a mental illness, they just want peace. Your voice of reason is gone.

                                                        You may be asking, ” why would you want to talk about suicide so openly and publicly?” And I would ask, ‘Why not?” This is one of the most alarming epidemics facing our society today. And you want me to be quiet about it? I don’t think so! God is at work here! The statistics speak for themselves. “In 2009 there were 3,890 suicides in Canada”. According to the World Health Organization, “Close to 800,000 people die to suicide every year. That works out to be around one person every 40 seconds”.’ In 2015 there were an estimated 788,000 suicide deaths worldwide’. In 2017 this statistic is growing at an alarming rate and will only keep growing. And that is why we have such an alarming drug and alcohol abuse problem in our society today. People will turn to anything to dumb the pain. They are afraid to talk about the way they are really feeling, due to the shame this illness brings, people will think you’re weak, the stigma, the ignorance of not knowing or not understanding this illness; forces many to suffer in silence. And to that person who is suffering in silence, I would say, ‘you are not alone’. There is hope and peace to be found again. I struggle with this everyday, but I see light through the cracks, glimmers of hope in the depths of despair. We can and will get through this.

If you are someone who have lost a loved one through suicide; there are never going to be enough words for me to help you understand, to take away the pain, to make sense of it all, to dry your tears or to help heal your broken heart. But let’s begin by saying, ‘this is not your fault, there is nothing that you could have done or didn’t do’. Your loved one was very, very ill and I believe something in their brain went terribly wrong and therefore at the point of ending there life; they felt no hope, no way of escape, they wanted to unburden their loved ones of the misery that their illness had brought to their family. Know now that they are finally at PEACE and they did this to free themselves and you of this horrible, horrific disease. Do not be ashamed or angry; it was their illness that forced them to do this. But rest assured they are now, FINALLY, at PEACE.

I believe that society has come  a long way, when it comes to the way people look at mental illness/suicide. The walls of stigma and ignorance (not knowing) have somewhat come down. But we still have a long way to go. If you are wondering, well what can I do? My answer would be to educate yourself on what mental illness is, have a better understanding, an open mind and to forget some of the myths, lies, primitive ideas that we have been raised to believe surrounding mental illness and suicide. For example, years ago suicide victims were automatically sent to hell and their bodies would not be buried in a consecrated Church cemetery but were buried on the outside. Now how primitive, self righteous, judgemental and disgraceful can a culture and society be, in order to do such a thing. May God forgive them “for they know not what they do.” Thankfully we have moved forward and have respect for all the deceased; for God is our eternal judge.

One of the best things we can do for someone who is contemplating suicide is to LISTEN.  Listen and show you care, reassure them that it’s going to be okay. Sometimes the best advice we can give, is as little as possible. Sometimes when we have all the right motives in mind and we mean well; we can say exactly what someone that is suicidal does not want to hear. So…listen, love, and never leave that person alone; be there for them. And suggest that maybe they visit a mental health professional or their family doctor, but never without their consent, no surprises. Just be there….

I believe with our limited mental health care in NL the church needs to play a role in helping victims and their families in dealing with suicide and mental illness. To begin that process the Church needs to make its stand on just what they believe concerning mental illness and especially suicide. But the church’s stand on suicide is certainly not clearly defined as of today. If it were it would certainly help in the grieving process for those who  have lost a loved one through suicide. Some Churches have taught that a suicide victim was/is automatically going to hell. It is my belief that it is not clearly stated in scripture the fate of a suicide victim, and therefore we are not in a place to make such a statement. I conclude therefore that the fate of any soul, whether death by suicide or death from any illness, can “only” be decided by God. As believers it is not our responsibility to play judge and jury. But instead, our calling is to bring comfort, mercy, and love to all those affected by suicide and leave the rest to God.

Today I consider myself an advocate for mental illness. I am not a medical professional, nor do I have all the answers but my lifetime with a mental illness has given me experience, wisdom and knowledge that I would have never obtained otherwise. I have insight into what this illness can do, how it affects the individual themselves,their families and their caregivers. This illness can destroy marriages, friendships, relationships and lives. It is my prayer that I could be used to help others , bring healing to the hurting and restoration to the broken. I am a vessel that’s broken, but daily I am putting the pieces back together and you can too.