Tag: Depression

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Mental Illness; So What?

Mental illness has been one of the most misunderstood, stigmatized and misdiagnosed illnesses of all time. To be honest it’s only in more recent years to be even considered an illness. Speaking from experience, I believe I’ve become a little bit of an ‘expert’ in the field. Not because I’m a trained therapist, I’m not, but I believe there are some things you cannot learn from a book. Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for those working in the mental health field. But living with a mental illness all my life has given me knowledge, understanding and insight that I would have never  received if I  had not suffered from this horrific illness myself. Mine being Major (Clinical) Depression and Anxiety.

I have paid an enormous price for this insight into mental illness. It as cost me greatly, I have lost so much because of my illness and brought much pain and worry to both my families. And also it’s affected so much of my social life, especially that being the lost of many friends and close acquaintances.

When I’m experiencing a ‘not so good day’, I just need to be alone but yet it’s the last thing I want. Being alone is the last thing someone should be when not feeling well. A sure symptom of depression is isolating, where socializing and being around people is hard to do. You can feel all alone in the most crowded room. Or to the opposite extreme where being around people can make you feel so overwhelmed and anxiety provoking. You feel guilty because you are feeling sad and you don’t want to bring others down. And there are days when you just can’t hide how you are really feeling, for the sake of others. You have to be honest and admit, I’m not having a good day.

I cannot remember the last time I could say, ‘I had a good day’. I sat in my doctor’s office, with tears trickling down my face and I looked into his eyes and said, ‘If this is living, I’m not living’. I have an amazing, compassionate, caring doctor but he doesn’t have the answers; there is only so much that he can do. It is my belief that what can be done both medically and therapeutically for me, is done. The brain is the most complex organ in the body and the least is known about it. Therefore it is least treatable.

Am I discouraged? Yes, I have days when I think, what’s the point? And feel like flushing my meds down the toilet. I’m not winning this war. But then I think of where I was six years ago, to where I am today; I’ve come a long way. I have to believe that achieving and maintaining a healthy mind is not a single battle, but an on going war. And God knows I have fought my battles, I’m still in the war. But I cannot throw down my armour and wave my white flag in surrender and let depression win, I just can’t. Even when I feel like all options are gone, I still have the promise of God; to never leave me or forsake me.

I feel like I’m walking on water, but I’m sinking… I’m going down. But I’ve taken my medication religiously, I’ve done everything right to my knowledge but yet that heavy gnawing inside me; a sad, aching feeling that something isn’t right inside my head. The darkness is desperately trying to swallow me. Depression may be in my mind, but it’s not in my imagination, this is real. You know that something is wrong and you are grasping for help.

When you’re in the darkness of depression, you need a reason to hope. But lately I’m having days when hope is nearly gone. Even if you’re trying medications (and I’ve tried what seems like hundreds) that didn’t work, at least I still felt I was doing something, even if that something is figuring out what won’t work. But if we do nothing at all, then we are hopeless. So to keep hope alive, I fight with every ounce of strength I have within me and pray that my strength doesn’t fail. A very scary place to be.

I know that because this illness is so stigmatized and misunderstood, that many minimize it’s seriousness and existence. I can sit here for hours and talk of my experience but the best way I feel you may get a better understanding of this illness and what it can do, is for me to give you some statistics to prove my point.

300 million people around the world have depression, according to the World Health Organization.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the workplace.

1 in 5 people in Canada will experience a mental illness (Canadian Mental Health Association).

The Centre for Suicide Prevention states: “The number of people who die by suicide each year in Canada equates to a jumbo jet 747 crashing and killing everyone on board….. every single month of the year. If as many people died in plane crashes as they do by suicide, there would be a pubic uproar. Instead, SUICIDE is swept under the carpet and not talked about”.

The latest research shows there were 3,926 suicides in Canada in 2016.

Canada loses close to 200 children and youth to suicide every year.

Today in Canada 10 people will end their lives by suicide; up to 200 others will attempt so.

Suicide is currently ranked as the 9th leading cause of death in Canada.

Majority of suicides are due to some form mental illness.

The statistics speak for themselves, ‘this illness is real’. And not talking about it will not make it go away but will only intensify it’s effect on mankind. I believe that with time, these statistics will keep growing and we are headed for an epidemic that will be out of control. I pray that I am wrong but time will tell. Watch the Clock!

 

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The Truth, The Whole Truth…

No matter how much I tell myself, ‘You’re going to be okay’, my brain tells me, ‘You are not okay’.  ‘There is no escape from how you feel, how much can I fight before I give up? That weight of emptiness and sadness creeps in and devours any hope of conquering this monster.

I am so ashamed of how I feel, I can’t tell anyone. Telling someone would bring it to  life and I just want to hide it. The shame cloaks me in it’s ugly coat. Why should I feel this way? Shame on me! I aught to be able to rise above it. But today it’s claws have me in it’s ugly clutches and I can’t move. I panic, I can’t breathe. The air is too thick to fill my lungs, I gasp and gasp. I remember, slow down your breathing; you can do this, you’ve done this a million times before. But today feels like I’ve experienced it for the very first time. Just as scary, just as frightening and the feeling of being all alone.

‘But you were doing so well’, you might say, really I’ve never been doing ‘so well’. I’ve been doing okay. I want to be doing ‘so well’, oh how I pray to be well again. Will that day ever come again? Some days are a little better then others, some okay, some not so okay. Today, definitely not a good day. I have to beat this, so much depends on me, no one else can do this for me; I have to do this myself and that’s the scary part. Living this life, with a broken mind. I have put so many pieces back together but some pieces just keep falling apart.

I hide, I can’t let people see the real me; they would run and never look back. They wouldn’t like this part of me; but I tell myself that it is only a part of me, it’s not who I am. There is more to me, a lot more, I have so much to offer but my sick, tormented mind tells me otherwise. The funny me, isn’t here today, I’ve gone and can’t find me. Sadness as drowned and  held me under water but I have to resurface, my oxygen is running out, I’m going to drown. Kick, push, you can do this; you can resurface. Your funny self will come back. I hope.

This is just a glimpse into the life of a bad day for someone with a mental illness. So be kind to everyone you meet today because you really can’t tell from their outward appearance, what inward battles they are fighting this moment. Never judge a book by it’s cover, because the pages within can tell an whole different story.

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‘The Most Happy Season Of All’

The magic of the Season fills the air. The all anticipated day is just around the corner. Kids are overflowing with excitement for the arrival of that big jolly soul; Santa Claus. And parents are in panic mode to find that perfect gift for their child. Christmas is here again for another year. But where as the time gone, it seems we only took down the Christmas tree from last year; only months ago. I think the older I get, the faster time flies. One thing that hasn’t really changed from last year is my battle with my mental illness; major depression and anxiety disorder. No matter what the season, it doesn’t go away. Hidden deep down in the recesses of my being is that ever lingering feeling of emptiness and sadness.

Of all the illnesses, and I am not saying one is worse then the other, but I am saying the only one that steals your happiness is depression. With all other illnesses you can still live a happy life, despite your illness and I realize that requires work but it can be done. But depression affects that part of your brain that controls your mood; whether you are happy or sad. If your brain’s serotonin levels are down, then this will affect just how happy or sad you are. Its not a matter of choice. That’s why I have to take a medication known as a SSRI. SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) block the reabsorption (reuptake) of serotonin in my brain, making more serotonin available to me. Medication may not be a cure but it certainly helps and I would encourage anyone dealing with depression to get medical help.

So during this ‘most happy season of all’,  for someone fighting this illness, sure makes it a little tougher to find that happy in the season. That doesn’t mean I will not share in the fun and spirit of Christmas; I will certainly have to work a little harder to participate in all it has to offer. But I will do it, in spite of my illness. It will not steal all of my Christmas cheer, nor will I allow it to take the memories that we will make during this Christmastime.

To all of you out there that are fighting your own battles; mental illnesses, physical illnesses, cancer, loss of a loved one; whatever it may be, may you embrace the ‘Reason for the Season’. That being the birth of a Saviour, who came to be the light of the World. May you feel the light beams of His loving arms surrounding you this Christmas Season. And remember, God loves you, know matter what your circumstances may be right now. We can find some happiness in the Season; this ‘Most Happy Season of all’. 

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Different and Isolated

It’s late November, a very misty,foggy, mild day. But it’s November, where’s the white blanket of snow and the cold frosty air? Oh right, we’re in Newfoundland where the seasons change every ten minutes, but I’m not complaining because shovelling snow is not my idea of fun. The push is on now to get the Christmas decorating done and that takes me forever because I can only do a little at a time. If I tried to do it all at once, I would just get overwhelmed and my anxiety would go through the roof.

It’s kind of ironic the things we take for granted because there was a time when those kind of tasks didn’t trigger my anxiety; it was total enjoyment. But now I have to work a little harder at keeping anxiety under control and that requires work on my part, which exhaust me and steals the joy from the things that once I so much enjoyed. I know that’s hard for some people who haven’t suffered from major anxiety to understand, and that’s okay. But my goal here is to educate those who don’t ‘get it’ and to let those who do ‘get it’ to know that they are not alone.

This illness is so disabling and crippling (major depression and anxiety) that it makes you feel like you’re different, you’re not normal, you’re flawed; that you’re going around trying to imitate everyone else that you think is ‘normal’. Trying so desperately just to fit in. But truthfully, there are so many times that I feel I just don’t fit in, I’m different. And that feeling is so isolating.

Since Lauren was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and I’m not comparing the two for similarities but it gives me a better understanding of what different and isolated really feels like. No matter what you think or say, there is still such an enormous stigma that is attached to a wheelchair. Just for example sake; it was just yesterday we went to a birthday party with Lauren. And just for the moment I began to observe how the other children interacted with her. And I realized that a lot of them, not all, were staring at her like she had some contagious disease, like they had never seen a wheelchair before in their lives. And no, this was not just my thinking but when we left, Lisa pointed out the same observance. It was very sad, especially in today’s society where kids are exposed to so much but yet still looked at Lauren as if she was different. And yes she is different but no different then a kid that was wearing glasses, hearing aids, kids with diabetes or me with my mental illness. In one way or another we are all different, I guess some differences we just can’t see, and because we can’t see them they are looked upon as ‘normal’. So sad but yet so true.

I guess for us it’s accepting the fact that that’s the way things are. And some things will never change, no matter how much we try to educate and no matter how much we advocate, some things will never fully change. We just have to embrace those who do and accept those who don’t ‘get it’. And realize that there are still those out there living in their perfect world, with their arrogance and ignorance and for those we will say a little prayer.

 

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Rewrite Your Blueprint

I think I lost the blueprint for my life. The life I have is so blurred and out of my control that I feel lost in the whirlwind and I’m just spinning on an hamster wheel and getting nowhere. I believe when we’re young and full of anticipation of what we want in life, what we will be in life, we dream big. And there’s nothing wrong with that except sometimes those dreams don’t always happen the way we planned, the blueprint we had planned and designed for our life gets lost and we are left disappointed, frustrated and unhappy.

I believe that the greatest need within all of us is just to be accepted, loved and to belong. Our blueprint is not all about what our careers will be, although that’s a big part of the plan. And lots of times when we’re young our dreams of what we think we will do or become don’t even come close to what we thought it would be. Seasons change and so do we. Sometimes that change happens naturally and willingly, other times it can happen through unforeseen circumstances that are out of our control.

When I was in High School, many decades ago; I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. And if I did know, my plans would have come to an abrupt halt, when I had a (what they called then) ‘nervous breakdown’. I became disabled to a point of not being able to function, this went on for months. So already my blueprint was shattered and torn. Every decision I made after that was always affected or altered by my illness. I felt so alone, dictated by my illness and afraid. Afraid that any decision I made for my life would awaken my ugly, sleeping lion within me.

But I knew I had to move on in spite of my illness. So I planned a blueprint for my life with what I had, a life with limitations. But I couldn’t let my illness control my life entirely, I had to move on. I completed my high school education and went on to College. And for approximately thirty years I owned and operated my own business. Easy right? Not at all, I had several episodes of depression and anxiety throughout those years but still functioned and carried out the  plans of my blueprint.

For years marriage and children were never part of my blueprint. But then in my thirties, this beautiful young lady walked into my life and I knew I had to redesign my blueprint; my plans had changed. And on August 9,1997 we were married. We lived an amazing life, moved to St.John’s where we lived for fifteen years and had two beautiful children.

Yet under all this amazing life as we knew it, loomed my ugly, unpredictable illness that I had kept under control with medication for all those years. But then it happened; nothing was able to tame this roaring lion within and it lunged into full force. This attack left me disabled both mentally and physically. It destroyed everything in my life, every area of my life was affected. I was left for dead, with no will to live. My blueprint was burned to ashes.

Almost six years have passed, I had to redesign a brand new blueprint for my life. A blueprint that I would never had imagined I’d ever be designing; where I am and who I am is so far from where I thought I would be at this season of my life.

Bitterness and self pity often knock at my door, but I can’t let them in. They would just make my life worse and that’s certainly not what I need. I’ve began to realize I need to redesign my blueprint of what I think my life should be. My blueprints of the past are gone, I have to stop dwelling on what they were and design a new blueprint. A blueprint that is based on what I have right now, whether that be good or bad, a blueprint that is not crystal clear anymore. And when my life feels like it’s spinning out of control, I have to sit down at my drawing table and start designing a life for this moment, for today. And throw  away or discard those old blueprints of where I thought I would be and be content with where I am at this season of my life.

So if you are like me and your blueprint for your life, is not so perfect, it’s not at all what you had planned. It’s best we stop fighting what we think it should be and redesign a new set of blueprints. Accept the reality of what is, and learn to enjoy what we do have and stop dwelling on what we think our life should be. Even if that means giving up on that misguided dream.

 

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Hanging By A Thread

I feel like I lost my ability to write; I just stare at my paper and nothing happens. Not that there’s nothing to write about, maybe just that there’s too much going through this head of mine and I don’t know how to express it anymore. Almost like, what’s the point? Who’s listening? Who cares? The last few days have been tough, and I mean tough, unexplainable tough.

When you struggle/suffer from a mental illness, it just doesn’t go away when you will it to or want it to. When you awake in the morning, you don’t choose how you are going to feel today, you just hope that it’s going to be a good one. Well, the last couple of days have not been good ones, you feel like you’re hanging by a thread and if you let go you are going to fall into this dark hole, a bottomless pit and you just keep falling.

The symptoms of depression and anxiety are so crippling and disabling. Everything I do I have to push myself, the everyday tasks are never simple or enjoyable. The overwhelming fear and inability makes them nearly impossible to do. You want to hide, to isolate; just escape. But you can do neither, life happens, life still goes on and I have to move along with it, in spite of it all. Whether I feel like it or not; it as to be done and I do it. I guess I’m stronger then I think I am because when I’m at a low, I have no idea how I can move on. But I do!

I’m tired of performing, exhausted from the fight, laden with the burdens, the load is just too heavy to carry. What are my options? Give up? Keep fighting? In my human strength, I would have given up a long time ago. But that still small voice keeps reminding me, ‘I got this, just leave it up to me’. And I try with every ounce of strength that I have left in me, and at times that’s pretty limited, to put my trust in the God, who when I’m feeling low, seems so far away. But I know He’s there, He’s got to be, there are no other answers; only He can provide what I need. So when I’m hanging by a thread, it’s the hem of His garment.

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Never Take Today For Granted

To say that the last few days have been anything but wonderful, would be an understatement. Nothing as changed in my life that would trigger a flare up of my anxiety and depression. It just happens, I have no control over my illness when it decides to control my mind and body.

Yes, I did say, ‘mind and body’. This illness affects every aspect of your life, and some days leaving you crippled and disabled. Confined to the most inner core of your brain and leaving your body paralyzed as it were and difficult to move. Trying desperately to move and fight this war within. When on your very bad days you just want to give up, lie down and sleep away your emotional pain. But I cannot always do that, my anxiety makes it very difficult to relax even enough to fall to sleep. When my eyes open to the morning light, I cannot just lie there and enjoy the warmth and comfort of my bed, my thoughts would run away with me; so in order to not over think things, I have to get up and move. Staying there in my cozy bed would only exasperate my symptoms and make me feel worse. Getting up and moving is the best thing I could do for myself and everyone around me.

Hobbies certainly help in the control of my illness. But when I am really low, hobbies are the last thing I want to do. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to just take a break from it all. But I can’t let this break last too long because if I did nothing for extended periods of time, it would only increase my depression and anxiety. So I have to give myself a little pep talk, then a kick and try as best I can to get back on track. None of which comes easy for someone with a mental illness but life is not always about being easy.  The mental fatigue that comes with this disorder drains you of any physical energy that you may have, thus leaving you depleted and exhausted.

Life’s everyday responsibilities and demands put so much pressure on us to perform. Even for someone that is well; that can get overwhelming. But for someone struggling day in and day out with a mental disorder, it can seem impossible to do. So I can only do what I can and no more. I have learned how to say, ‘no’ and I know my limitations. My first priority is my family and I try desperately to be the best father and husband that I can be, in spite of my limitations and I know there are times I fail but I do give all that I have and sometimes because of my illness, that is just not enough. But I have to accept that I can do no more then what my mind and body allows. When you do your best, with what you have, you can do no more.

Today I pray will be a better day, I never give up on hope. And when I do get a good day, I give it all I got and enjoy it to it’s fullest. Because we never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Never take today for granted because our lives can change in a moment.

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A Mind That Tries To Die

It’s an early, Fall morning and I just got Logan off to school. I walk in the house, after coming back from Logan’s bus stop, and there’s not a sound, total deading silence. Lisa and Lauren are still sleeping, probably after another restless night of Lauren being in her body cast. It seems she gets her best sleep in the morning. So I, not wanting to wake them, decide to sit at my desk and quietly play with my iphone. I had no intentions of writing but changed my busy mind when I scrolled upon a post that read, “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die”.

If there ever was the perfect  description of what depression is, because it is very difficult to describe in words, this would be the perfect description. I have lived a lifetime of battling this illness and doing so mostly in silence. It’s only in recent years that I have chosen to speak openly and honestly about my depressive disorder. I have on more then one occasion prayed to God, to just let me die. To escape the pain and hell I was enduring at that moment, to free my family of having to live with the torment, fear, and worry that I had inflicted on them from having this illness and lastly to finally have peace of my own. To not have to live in constant torment, to not have to live with a mind that would not stop to rest, to quiet that inner voice that would not shut up. Even to this day,I still struggle, maybe not to the extent that I have in the past; but I still struggle. I would be lying to you if I said I weren’t. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have and my faith in God.

To get back to where I am today, did not come easy and I have to work each day to be the best that I can be. Living a ‘normal’ life with a mental illness does not come naturally or easily but with a lot of endurance, courage, strength and faith. If you are reading this and you can relate or ‘get it’, let me just share with you some words of wisdom that I have learned from having depression and have helped me to survive.

Let go of the PAST! No matter how painful that past may  have been, holding on to it will not make you feel any better. It will just keep eating away at you, mouthful by mouthful, until there’s nothing left. Letting go doesn’t  mean that you’ll forget but letting go gives you permission to live the life you have today, at it’s best. So let’s live today, live for the moment, it’s what we have; this moment.

Let’s stop worrying about other people’s opinions and judgments of us. We are, who we are, we are unique and that is not a bad thing. Stop ‘people pleasing’ , we will never please everybody and when we do, we free ourselves to live our own best life and not have to constantly be concerned about what someone else thinks.

Believe in yourself. And let’s not limit our beliefs to what other’s tell us. Believe in something because you know it’s right, not because someone else told you too. You have the power within yourself to form your own belief system. Doing so will release the power to live your best life. Believe in you, you are worth it!

Relationships; be very selective, cautious and aware of who you allow into your life. Relationships sometimes can ‘break’ you and that be a friendship or an emotional (love) attachment. If we need someone else to “complete” us, then we are walking a dangerous road. Having said that, relationships are a part of life and we certainly need them to enhance our lives. We certainly need them for love, support and companionship. If there are people in our lives that only bring negativity, then maybe we should rethink that relationship.

Don’t base your self worth on the worth of your bank account. If I did that, I would probably be worthless. Don’t let the decisions in our lives be made by money but by following our hearts. I had to come to terms with this when I became unable to work. It’s only now that I realize my worth is not based on my income. But what truly matters is my heart’s worth. I could have all the money in the world and still live a miserable life. And I could be the poorest in the world financially but be the richest on the inside.

And lastly my greatest means of survival has been my faith. A faith not based on any worldly contribution but a faith based solely on God ( not a god). And that being a God that is not confined to the four walls of a Church but a God who holds the Universe in His hands. A God that loved me when I did not love myself, a God that loves me unconditionally, just as I am.

So today if you are fighting to survive, with a mind that wants to die. Be encouraged, you are stronger then you think, there is hope, on your most hopeless days. Don’t give up, the sun will shine again!

 

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In His Hands

Night falls, day breaks; what will this day bring? Can I do this again? My strength is depleting , but life requires so much endurance and I wonder where does my strength come from? As a human being we have a limited supply, there is a fuel tank and there are times when I feel I am running on empty. But then once again that still small voice speaks to me and reminds me that, ‘He is my strength’.Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. Exodus 15:2 says, “The Lord is my strength and my song, He has given me victory”. Nehemiah 8:10 “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength “.

My life is anything but stress free. I am sure we all have stress in our lives and I am not comparing. I am just sharing my experience, to remind myself and to help others who feel they have no hope. I suffer from depression and have so all my life, I was born with it, genetics plays a big role in my illness. Choice was never an option. Do I become angry and blame everything that ever went wrong on my illness? I can and have but that’s the past, I cannot live there anymore. I now try to live in the moment (notice I said ‘try’, sometimes my human side tries to go back). But Philippians 3:13-14 says, “But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus”. Is this easy to do? Not at all but in order to survive and live a life that is somewhat ‘normal’ I have no choice. I just pray everyday for His strength, to be mine. And I have to believe that His promises are true.

Everyday I am plagued with my illness, it’s a never ending battle. Would I like to be healed of this illness? Of course I would, there’s nothing I would like more (except for Lauren’s healing). But that’s not God’s will right now for Lauren or me. Does that make me angry, discouraged and question God? Yes it does! But so did the apostle Paul, he pleaded with God to remove his ‘thorn in the flesh’. But God said, ‘no’. He does assure us though of His grace and strength in our sickness and infirmities. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, ‘And He (God) said to me (Paul), ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me’. ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong’. The dictionary definition of infirmity is ‘a physical or mental weakness’. I guess for me that would be my mental disorder, it’s what makes me feel weak but in reality because of this weakness, Christ’ power rests upon me and therefore I am strong. What an amazing encouragement for those of us who feel weak, beaten down and broken. Our strength is renewed daily through Him who died for us.

So on those days when I feel like a nobody, worthless, hopeless and good for nothing; I am forever reminded of God’s love for me. I don’t measure myself anymore by Society’s standards because if I do, I will surely fail and never measure up. But God loves me just as I am, Jeremiah 31:3 ” I have loved you, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself”. On those days when I don’t love myself, God reminds me that I am His and He loves me with an unconditional, everlasting love. Roman’s 8:38-39 reminds me every day; “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Today we have to take Lauren back to the Janeway for her post surgery check up. Here we have our five years old little girl lying in bed with a body cast (for the third time). Does that give me cause to be angry, sad, to question? Yes, of course it does, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. I bring her to the Lord in prayer for healing, but that healing never comes. Is that cause to be upset and question God? In my human weakness, yes it is. But I know that God is much greater than I am and He knows what He’s doing, He knows what’s best, even when I feel lost and helpless; He’s still in control. And I have to learn to take it one day at a time and to trust in Him fully. Lauren is in His hands, whatever the future holds; we are all IN HIS HANDS.

Whatever this day may bring, I know I am not alone. My strength comes from Him and Him alone. So be encouraged today; God loves you; you’re IN HIS HANDS!

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Incomplete

My pen doesn’t want to move anymore, like it’s stuck in quicksand. It just stays there, nestled in my hand. I look at it and wonder, what is it you want to say? It starts to move, picks up momentum and we’re off! Summer is here and with that comes the expectations of fun times, barbecues, friends over, water fights, leisure and relaxation. That sounds amazing, so exciting, so full of life but for me so out of reach.

No matter how hard I try, the expectations of summer just doesn’t come by so easily. Depression builds up a wall that separates you from what you really want; to be truly happy. It’s like the harder you try the further away your dream fades. You know what you need to do but you just can’t get there; it keeps moving further and further away. Depression kills your spirit; it leaves you feeling INCOMPLETE. And that’s probably one of the best words to describe what depression does to you, it makes you feel incomplete. Like there is always something missing, it steals a piece of you that you can’t find anymore, no matter how hard you search.

You know you’re not right, that there is something wrong but you are trapped , you can’t get out, you can’t change it. It’s out of your control. I feel like I have lost myself and can’t find ‘me’, no matter how hard I search; I can’t be found. My identity is lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. Please come back; whoever you were, I liked the other person a lot better. I was a perfectionist, I would go above and beyond to help others, I gave my job 110%. I was the responsible one (most of the time) and the one other people could count on. Now I can’t even count on myself for me, I’m afraid of who I’ve become. How could depression change me so much? Will I ever be ‘myself’ again?

Depression really does change who you are. I grieve and mourn for that person I use to be. I managed my own business for 28 years, like any other professional, but today that is so impossible, my illness has taken away my ability to perform in that capacity and I miss it so much. It was such a large part of who I was, I loved it. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, professionalism, purpose and socialization. But I know within me, I will never do that again and I have to let it go. But letting go is never easy, it’s been six years and I still have days when I wish I could go back to those days. But I know I have to look forward and hope that one day I will thrive again.

There’s nothing glamorous or pretty about depression. But opening up about it and letting other people know just how I feel is one of the best things I could have done. I’m hoping that people aren’t disappointed that I’m not the person I used to be, that depression as taken it’s tole on me. I fight every day to be the best that I can be; maybe there are days that I don’t feel like talking. Sometimes it’s just because I don’t know what to say anymore. Then there are days when I seem a million miles/km away, when really I’m still here, it’s just my brain has captured my thoughts and I’m held prisoner inside my own mind. Or some days I may not laugh as much as I used to, my burden of sadness overwhelms me and steals my laughter. There may be days I just want to run away and not have to face anyone. But that’s what depression as done to me, it’s no one’s fault and certainly not mine because if I could change it I would do it in an heartbeat. My real self is still there, somewhere underneath my depressed self. Depression does not define who I am, it will try; but it will not win, it just can’t.

So whether its summer, winter, spring or fall; it doesn’t matter. When depression strikes it doesn’t always take the season into consideration. But it’s so hard when it’s a beautiful summer day and the sun is shining in all of it’s glory but in your mind the sun isn’t so bright anymore. Depression as clouded it’s beaming rays and darkened shadows follow your every footstep.

If you know someone who suffers from depression or any other mental illness, please realize that it is mental illness that as changed them. They didn’t choose to have this illness and if there was ever a time in their life when they needed your understanding and support; it’s now. Just be there and maybe one day at a time, they will gradually come back to you.