Tag: clinical depression

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A Day In The Life of My Mental Illness

 

 

 

 

 

I am so sick and tired of mental illness! I hate it! And I’m sure you must be tired of reading about my mental illness. Why do I do this? Why do I feel the need to blog? Why can’t someone else who’s probably a better writer, more qualified, more gifted, take up the torch. This week as been rough (what else is new lol); I took up my pen several times to write something. But there was nothing, I felt numb, blank, empty, nothing left to give, nothing left to share. The battle with my illness had left me powerless and speechless. I had nothing left to share that could possibly help someone else, I felt I needed someone to help me.

You see when you have been given a diagnoses such has mine, it is something that’s not going away; there is no cure. Just like cancer (and I am not comparing, they are two totally different illnesses) but in some ways they are alike. My ‘cancer’ as killed and destroyed who I am, it eats away at your soul, your self, your being and your will. It leaves you with the haunting fear of a relapse.

So this past week as awakened my somewhat sleeping monster. Before my eyes are opened to face the day; my mind is busy with crippling nightmares. Nightmares of being on a locked down unit on an hospital ward, not a prison ward. A prisoner not a patient. I will forever be traumatized by those evil days of hospitalization. Traumatized by the reality of knowing that I am treatment resistant and I have exhausted all available treatments. My dreams will not let me forget this mesmerizing reality. Then there’s the memories (of what memory I have left of that time) of ECT. In my dreams I’m awakened before the treatment is complete and I’m strapped to the bed and no one will free me. Then morning comes and I realize I’m safe, safe from my dreams but never safe from my reality.

I have to take control of my thoughts as soon as my eyes are open, if not, they could easily spiral out of control to a point of being extremely overwhelmed and panic could easily take over. But thankfully I am still able, to some extent, control my own thoughts. With a mental illness there are not just the mental symptoms but also the physical symptoms. There are times when panic attacks (and thankfully right now are pretty much under control) but I still experience related symptoms such as an extreme rise in body temperature and feelings of mild fear and panic. It’s my goal to keep them from escalating into a full blown panic attack; which I never want to experience again. So I start my day as if every things okay.

All day, every day, my physical body feels triple it’s weight, there’s an heaviness that never goes away. It may fluctuate but never leaves. Then there’s the rising tides of emotion that you just want to cry. Most times you don’t even know why; you just do.  Then you don’t  want to start because if you do, it just won’t stop. But sometimes I believe your emotions can be used for your good; a form of release. To admit this makes me feel weak but the truth is; God gave us emotions for a reason. Many times in the Bible, Jesus is recorded as being emotional; ‘Jesus wept.’ If Jesus can cry, and He’s the Son of God; then so can I. Because someone doesn’t shed tears, doesn’t make them any stronger then someone who does ( but if the truth were known; everyone cries). I remember my Dad being a very emotional man, especially when he talked of spiritual things and the faithfulness of God. And because of that I respect him, and admire his compassion for others; he had a big heart that made him a very strong, wise and gentle man. I hope to be just half the man he was, he left me with a great legacy that I hope I will live up to and make him proud. And when we meet again, I hope he can look at me and say, ‘See, I told you, you could do it’. But right now, today, I feel I can’t do it. But I will, somehow find my way.

By the time half my day is done; fatigue sets in, not just tired but exhausted. I fight it as long as I can but there are times when I just give in and have no choice but take a nap. And of course that makes me feel guilty, I’m not suppose to sleep in the middle of the day. But sometimes I just have to listen to my body and rest.

It’s my prayer everyday to just be able to have a day when I feel free and not be held captive by my mind. To just enjoy life, my wife and children without being dictated by my mind of what I can or cannot do. I get angry, angry at myself, angry at not being able to rid myself of this illness. I just want to live, not just to survive.

Not everyone who has a mental illness experience what I am experiencing. Every person is different and their journey may not be at all comparable to mine. If you are reading this and you experience a mental illness (mine being Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder), I hope that you cannot relate to what I am saying because I would not want to wish this on my worse enemy (I hope I have no enemies). I may be treatment resistant but that doesn’t mean that you are or will be. I pray that you will respond to your treatment successfully and are able to live a normal, functioning life. And although I may not be responding well to treatment, I am responding to a certain extent; just not to the point where I would like to be. But I will not give up hope, I will fight to the end!

 

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Who Am I Today?

After living a lifetime with a mental illness and not knowing what it was, makes it hard to describe who I am today. I’m still trying to figure out who that person was back there. A time when mental illness wasn’t even looked upon as even an illness. Nobody really knew what it was, it was just that, ‘IT’. But after living with ‘it’ for all my life, I believe I have some insight into what ‘it’ is and who I am.

‘IT’ is most definitely, beyond question, an illness. Looking back over the years I can see now, what was wrong with me, I was ill. As a little boy I remember experiencing extreme anxiety, due to worry. I worried that my Mom and Dad were going to die. My two younger brothers were going to get lost in the woods, drown by falling off a wharf or just not come back home. School, for me, was a source of anxiety that no child should have ever had to endure. But no one knew how to help or what was even wrong. Let alone being diagnosed with a mental illness. But that was exactly what was going on; my brain was not processing the information it was receiving properly, my signals were misfiring as it were.

At a very young age I remember being sad, alone, inadequate, unworthy, scared, etc. Back then i didn’t know what those emotions were but looking back; I do now. When I look at my Grade one school picture, I see a sad little boy, I can see pass the sad, dark eyes into the mind of a very disturbed and fragile little boy; who felt lost in the crowd. But how could such a young little boy be having those very adult emotions? My only explanation that I could find was that it was in my genes and I was predisposed to this illness from my conception until this present day.

This present day, now where does that bring me? ‘It’ still follows me everywhere I go, it’s in my dreams, my crowded thoughts, it’s forever present; even when my thoughts are distracted, eventually ‘it’ comes back. I long for freedom, for that morning when I can get out of bed and not have the dread of ‘it’ following me around all day. A day when I can just enjoy life and not be tormented and weighed down by this thing I call ‘it’.

So who am I today? Not much different then that little boy, all those years ago. I still have many fears, inadequacies, insecurities, worries, etc. But since those days I sure have learned a lot about ‘it’. I have learned to accept my mental illness for what it is; an illness. And on days when I’m not feeling so good, panic strikes and thoughts of a relapse arise; I tell myself, ‘I got this’, I’ve been down this road before and I will get over this ‘hump’ again. Through the years I have learned various coping skills that ‘usually’ help get me through that rough spot.

But I believe today that the years of struggling and dealing with this illness has taken it’s tole on me in all areas of my life. Physically it has exhausted me to a point of being overwhelming; I fight to keep moving, then there are times when I just have to give up and sleep. And with that comes the feeling of guilt, that I should be able to keep going. Mentally the trauma of my illness has left me with memory loss, loss of train of thought, mental fog and lack of concentration. All of which make it difficult for me to live a normal functioning life. Then Spiritually it as prompted me to question why I was never healed, right now I don’t have an answer to that question. But I am willing to leave it up to God, He knows best.

So here I am looking at the big picture, a lifetime of mental illness. I now see that there’s no different in living a lifetime with diabetes, heart disease,  or kidney disease. I am not exempt from illness anymore then the next person. So I accept my lot in life; but I have to pray for God’s grace, strength and mercy for each new day. When in my finite mind I can’t see how I can get through the next day or how I can put one foot in front of the other. I trust in an infinite God and He will see me through and will never leave me alone.

So in answer to the question of ” Who am I today?. I am the same person that I always was and is and will ever be. My DNA is still the same. Just with a lot of battle scars, mountains to climb and rivers to cross. But I will be the best that I can be with what I have!

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Depression, I Hate You!

Depression, I hate you!                                                                                                                         Why can’t you just leave me alone?                                                                                             Why don’t you ever go away?

I hate that when I’m sad, people mistaken it for anger                                                        When really I’m so sad that I can’t find my happy                                                                  Where have you gone?                                                                                                                        I miss you so much.

I am angry                                                                                                                                                   Angry at depression                                                                                                                             Angry at what it has done to my life

You have stolen from me                                                                                                                     I hate the way you twist and distort my thoughts                                                                 You fill my head with ugliness.

I hate that there’s no cure                                                                                                                  But I need to escape this hell so desperately                                                                           Even though I try,                                                                                                                                   I fight every day;                                                                                                                                     every single day!

Depression, I hate you!                                                                                                                         You steal, you lie                                                                                                                                     You cover up the good and I can’t find it.

Give me back my life                                                                                                                             My days I have lost                                                                                                                                  The years I have lost                                                                                                                            I have missed so much                                                                                                                       And I hate you because I can never get it back.

Give me back the person I want to be                                                                                          The person I was before you destroyed me                                                                             Before you changed who I am.

I am so exhausted and tired                                                                                                              That makes me impatient with others and with me                                                             That’s not fair!

Depression, I am angry                                                                                                                        I am tired, I am sad                                                                                                                                 I hate you,                                                                                                                                                    I hate you,                                                                                                                                                 I  HATE YOU!!!!!

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My Recovering Journey of Faith

I am a recovering mentally ill person; no I didn’t say I was a recovered mentally ill person.  Just like an alcoholic can never say, “I am recovered, but I am a recovering alcoholic”. I believe the same is true for someone who has a medically diagnosed mental disorder. I can never say I was fully recovered, yes there were times when I was fully, functioning, ‘normal’ person but my illness has been a lifetime journey. It’s almost like you go into remission, but for me, I had many relaspes throughout my lifetime. Some mild, some severe and some in between. But all a fighting battle.

This recovering journey is never linear.. What I mean by that is my symptoms and mood are never on a straight plain. It’s more like a roller coaster, there are many ups and downs, you are never on a level plain. Some days you could be doing fairly well and others you could be ready to jump out of your skin. Just last week my illness overwhelmed me with feelings of exhaustion and my brain was overcrowded with unwanted thoughts that I had no control over. But today I’m feeling a little more empowered and start my uphill climb once again.

This journey is rarely a walk in the park, it’s more like climbing Mount Everest. Some days you are weak has a rat and more days you feel like you can climb; one step at a time. But the encouraging thing is; you are moving, even if it is in baby steps. It’s like the saying, ‘You can eat an elephant, one mouthful at a time.’ And so you can climb this “Mountain of Depression and Anxiety”, one footstep at a time. If you are reading this and you are saying, ‘but I can’t do this anymore, I am just too exhausted.’ Trust me; “YOU CAN”! You are stronger then you think.

Where is my strength coming from, where is your strength going to come from? I remember when I had my last relapse; I searched for healing, my wellness, my escape from this hellish disease from without. I was searching for someone or something to “make” me better. But that never happened, I was at a dead end, I had tried EVERYTHING. But it wasn’t until I searched within myself that I found a strength that I didn’t know existed. But I still take it one day at a time, that’s all we have. Yesterday is gone (so don’t dwell on it) and we are not promised tomorrow (so don’t worry about it). Live in the moment, it’s what we have.

My treatment/therapy now consist of medication (which I know is crucial to my mental health), learning to accept my limitations (my new normal), having structure in my day (a routine), limiting stress as much as I can (sometimes that’s hard to do given my life circumstances), always having a ‘project’ (painting, cleaning, reading, singing, etc.) and one of my favorite of all is; writing my blogs (amazing therapy). All of these elements help me cope with each day and creates a sense of who I am. I am NOT my illness, there is so much more to me then my disorder; so I refuse to be defined by depression and anxiety.

After so many years of searching for the truth of who I really am; I believe I have finally found it. There is so much more to us and to me then this physical and mental body. There is a spiritual component that we have to tap into to find real strength, real courage, and the real you, the real me. And I believe this can only come from an omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful), and omnipresent (everywhere present) spiritual power. And there is only one person I know that possesses all three; God Our Father. He has been and still is my greatest source of strength and peace. On days when I was at my lowest, He was and is still my greatest source of stability, my rock, and my hope.

So you see, my recovering journey of faith, starts by placing my entire life into His hands. That’s hard to do because I thought I could do it on my own, what a joke that was. There are some things in life that we have no control over and have to be left with God, He is in control. So now I put my total trust and confidence in someone who is greater then I am. It sure takes a load off me and makes my journey a little easier.

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My Outlook On Life After My Last Severe Relapse Of A Total Mental Breakdown.

How has my traumatic experience affected my overall perception of life? It has certainly changed it in a more positive way. I now look at life has being a gift each day because at any moment our lives can change without any notice. A life altering traumatic experience can change our lives forever or death can come knocking on our door; we are not meant to live forever, that’s life. After experiencing  both traumas; I now perceive life to be something that is totally out of our control. It’s a day by day experience that we should never take for granted.

Having survived my worse nightmare, when I really thought I was never going to make it; but I did. I am totally thankful , grateful, and amazed at where I am today. I am now at a more functioning level to a point, stronger and very insightful.

I am also very aware of the pain that this illness can inflict on a person. It’s a pain that is so overwhelming and intense, that you feel well never end. You think there is no light left but  gradually the light comes back on and life once again can become a little brighter.Sunny days start to become sunny again, because when you are at the acute stage of your illness, all you see is the fog. It’s not a weakness but a painful illness. I now live in the moment; not in the past, nor in the future. The past is over and done with and we are not promised tomorrow, only today.

I am now a champion fighter for mental health, I’m not saying I have all the answers and I’m definitely not saying I’m cured but I now am an advocate for mental health and mental ill persons. Without having gone through this traumatic illness I would never have been able to do what I do today. So in some ways I am thankful (a very big price to pay) but when someone says, they are depressed, suffering from anxiety, living in darkness, not wanting to live anymore; I can honestly say, ‘I can relate’. I know what you are going through, you are not alone! It took me five years to be able to say I am thankful for what I went through and there are still some days that I am not thankful. Days when I am reminded of all I’ve lost that being; relationships, materialism, confidence, self-worth, my purpose, time, memories. Now it’s all about finding my new normal.

Do I like my new normal, to be honest and truthful; not really.  I didn’t choose to move from a place I called home and was quite content; St.John’s. I didn’t choose to give up my profession. I didn’t choose much of anything, my illness dictated it. I certainly didn’t choose to put my family; especially my wife and two children through this trauma. Never in a million years would I have thought I’d be living in Bay Roberts (not that there’s anything wrong with it). I was quite content right where I was. But gradually now , with time, patience, a shift in thinking; I’m doing okay and becoming more content.

I will never be the person I was before my breakdown, but that doesn’t mean my life is over. I am so filled with gratitude to where God has brought me; He really does have a sense of humour (I don’t always think it’s funny lol). But I am so glad and thankful that He brought me out of the pit of despair.

My perception of life has certainly changed. I certainly won’t ever take life for granted and I will always believe there is an higher power. There has to be; there’s more to life then ‘this’. We were never meant to walk this journey of life alone, even from creation God was present. This is one battle that you/I cannot fight alone. You have to search for that power/strength within you, that being God. We ourselves work in the natural  but with God we work in the supernatural.

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The Biggest Threat To My Mental Health

The rain is coming down in buckets or is it raining cats and dogs? Either way; it’s raining. And just like life, the sun doesn’t always shine, there has to be some rain sometimes. Eventually the rain will end and the sun will shine again; that is one thing we are guaranteed in life, nothing last forever. So it is with my illness, I have days when it’s pouring rain but then there are days when the sun shines again. There will come a reprieve, a calm. It’s my belief that for a lot of us, this illness never fully goes away; but that doesn’t mean we can’t have sunshine in our lives. There are several threats that impedes this ray of sunshine from shining.

The expectations that society has put on mental health is one such threat. We are expected to put on a pretty face, a smile, and pretend everything is ok, so others won’t be exposed to our illness. And in so doing it will alleviate them of their uncomfortable, social phobia of mental illness. I swear some people think this illness is contagious. Trust me it’s not. Society needs to realize this is an illness just like any other illness, certainly not a threat, we just want to be accepted and not treated has a second class citizen but as a human being that is suffering on the inside. But in a way that you cannot see because it’s not a physical illness but oh so real on the inside. A pain that you cannot see.

Let’s attack the Government again; like its going to do some good. I’m not being a pessimist but a realist. I think one of the last things on the “to do list” of our Government is to invest in the growing epidemic of mental illness. My heart goes out to all those who are suffering with no help available.Therefore I consider the Government a very big threat to my mental health and I hold them accountable for lack of treatment, support and availability of humane facilities.

And of course stigma isn’t a word that’s going away anytime soon, when it comes to mental health. The minute the words itself, “mental illness” is mentioned; the red flags go up. It is one of the most stigmatized issues in our society and that is really too bad. It is only when we speak out and began talking about and educating society on this issue will these walls of stigma come down. I’m certainly open to talking about my mental illness. I just hope it’s doing some good and not falling on deaf ears. Because if the walls of stigma did come down, even somewhat, it would certainly help in diminishing the threat against mental illness. And one less thing that we as sufferers would have to deal with. And would be able to concentrate on getting well again.

But the greatest threat against my mental illness is; “Myself”! For me and I am only speaking for myself, that sometimes I was my greatest threat. I put too much trust in others and hoping for someone or something to make me well. When really I needed to search within myself; I had and have more strength and wisdom then I realized. I was afraid of what others thought of me if they knew I had a mental illness. Big deal what someone else thinks, they are not walking in my shoes. What really matters is what I think of myself. And yes there are/were times when my self confidence, my self worth and my sense of belonging was very low. But gradually over time, I realize, I am no different then anyone else out there. We all have our struggles, failures and insecurities. And me having a mental illness, doesn’t make me any less of a person then someone who doesn’t. I’ve begun to realize that I can’t look at myself as being different but unique, equal and not a threat to my own well being.

So, from now on, I will hold my head up high, walk with confidence and not be ashamed of my mental illness. I will shout it from the mountain tops and before long others will follow and not be threatened by anyone or anything.

Monique

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The Do’s and Dont’s of Depression and Anxiety

Sitting at Robin’s waiting for a call from the Garage to come pick up the van. One of the most difficult things for me to do is just sit here and relax. An hint of panic sets in and is telling me to run, get out but I don’t listen. I am now in control of my thoughts not the other way around, like it use to be when I was in the acute stage of my illness. So I choose to sit and write instead. I have learned so much on this journey, so I thought I would share some do’s and dont’s of major depression and anxiety.

Let’s start with the do’s that helped me along my journey.First, make up your mind that you are going to get better, be determined that this will not last forever. That you will beat this and set your mind to this and don’t settle for nothing less. Be strong even when you feel weak! Repeat to yourself every day, “I am going to get better; one day, one hour, one minute at a time”.

A must for recovery is we must reach out for support. We are not meant to walk this road of life alone, we cannot survive in isolation. It is human nature to crave love, acceptance and understanding from others.

Thirdly, we must do our best to care for our physical body. “Healthy body, healthy mind”. Eating well would be the first step. For me this was the last thing I wanted to do, I lost my appetite completely. But I knew if I was going to get well, I had to eat. So I forced myself to eat small portions but often. And gradually, over time my appetite got much better. Then getting a restful night sleep is very important to healing our minds. I went through periods where I couldn’t sleep at all (my doctor did prescribe a sleeping pill for those times), then there were times when all I wanted to do was sleep. It was those times that I pushed myself out of bed and move, just move. Exercise would play a part in getting well; but who wanted to exercise when they didn’t have the energy or willpower to move. But I started with baby steps, my first walk lasted for five minutes and that seemed overwhelming but I did it and gradually I worked up to now, a year later, walking forty-five minutes too one hour. So take care of yourself physically so you can heal mentally.

Create structure in your life. Start with little things. For example, make your bed every morning, wash dishes, do laundry, etc. Then move to the outside world; go to the Post Office, grocery store, library, the park, etc. Before long you will have developed a life of structure and purpose.

Lastly, remind yourself, whenever needed, that, “this too shall pass”. Whatever you are experiencing right now, no matter how bad; it will not last. Nothing lasts forever.

Then there are the dont’s of dealing with depression and anxiety. The pain and despair you feel is unbearable, you look for relief where ever you can find it. Some in positive ways but some turn to negative alternatives by self medicating. You turn to drugs and alcohol but this can only lead to worsening of your symptoms. And the benefits (if any) are only short term; a band-aid solution.

A second “don’t” is, do not isolate. It is very often common for people suffering from this illness to hide from everyone; to go into seclusion. Not wanting to associate with family or friends, this will never work toward your healing. We are pack animals and we need the interaction of others to survive.

At the acute stage of your illness it is best not to make any major decisions. Such things as selling/buying an house, getting married/divorced, moving to a new city or changing jobs. You are in no frame of mind to make such decisions, so wait until you are in the recovery stage and feeling much better and your brain is more alert/aware.

Fourthly, do not neglect your physical needs. When you are so preoccupied with your mental state, it is so easy to forget your physical needs; eating habits, exercise, sleep, etc. Your mental well being, solely depends on your physical state, both depend on each other for survival.

Then the last “don’t” is a one that I struggle with everyday. That is,don’t ask the question; “When Will This End?”. Everyone is different and no one knows the answer to this question, so don’t ask! Live one day at a time, never dwell on the past and never look too far in the future. Live in the moment!

Those are just some thoughts I have learned over time. I hope this will give you some guidance and assurance that; “this too shall pass”. Life will get better, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just wait and see!

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Depression is a Choice! Words Matter!

Be careful the words you say…. they could kill!

The Bob’s of the world are out there and they believe that we have a choice. We choose to be depressed. I am so tired of hearing this and then there’s ‘be strong’. Are you trying to say I am weak? I’m sick! How can you be depressed, you have everything going for you? You have a beautiful wife, beautiful kids, a nice house, etc.. What’s your problem? I don’t have a problem, I have an illness. If I won the lottery today, it would not make any difference to my mental health; that’s not the way depression works.

We are not talking about someone who is down because their cat died or a down day; feeling a bit blue. Everybody have days like that but what I’m talking about is a neurological, biological, chemical issue with their brain and they don’t know what’s going on, they are scared to death. The last thing you need is someone minimizing, misunderstanding and misjudging you.

The thing about clinical/major depression is people on the outside cannot see it. You don’t wear it on your chest (you probably should, then people might get it). You wear a smile on your face and put on a fascade that you could win an Academy Award. That person appears great and then they kill themselves. But they looked and seemed fine the last time I saw them! We can fake it to the bitter end  if we think we have to. We don’t wear our depression on our skin like a rash. To preserve our pride, dignity, our ego; to hide from the Bob’s. Don’t listen to these people who think they have all the answers; the Bob’s of the world, they will always be. But don’t take it personally.

Let me paint you a dark picture Bob. You might walk around self righteous, in your “good” mental state and say something ignorant to a friend or family member (who is suffering from depression), that you make them feel so embarrassed, ashamed, so unworthy of their illness, insecure that they are not stable like you, that they might go and kill themselves. You might have killed someone; that’s what ‘words’ can do.

So if you don’t know what you’re talking about; shut up! I know we have the well do’ers who think they’re helping by saying certain things like; ‘be strong’, ‘think positive’, ‘you don’t have anything to be depressed about. You’ve been blessed if you have not been clinically depressed or dealt with major depression, anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But we are not that fortunate. So saying something hurtful (maybe not intentionally meaning too) but you say it anyway; can push that person over the edge. So be careful what you say, is it really going to do some good or will it harm someone, think before you speak. Some of us don’t have that luxury of choosing to be well, it just happens and out of our control.

We all need to look out to each other, we all matter, each life matters. The people that are depressed, didn’t ask to be depressed. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. And pray, pray you never get depressed. If I could pass this illness over to you for just one moment; you would never say something insensitive, mean, ignorant, cold ever again.

So overlook the “Bob’s” of the world. You matter, what you feel is real. Embrace the people that understand and truly care. You’re going to be ok! Don’t listen to the Bob’s of the world but listen to your own heart. And to the Bob’s of the world; SHUT UP! WORDS MATTER!