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CLOSING MY BLOG

These past few weeks for me have been an overwhelming sea of depression, panic and anxiety. My illness as so desperately tried to destroy me, to a point of where I just wanted to give up and not fight anymore. Fatigue had drained every ounce of strength that I had left in me; that I couldn’t fight anymore, even if I wanted to. Curling up into a ball and staying there would be so much easier to do.

I had been so tired of ‘well meaning’ people who know nothing about me, nor my illness but who think they have all the answers to  mental illness. And I know they mean well but sometimes it’s best they say nothing at all. Actions speak louder then words. A simple hug would do more good then a textbook of advice. But sorry to say society is quicker to give their opinion (not always fact) rather then a compassionate heart. And before I go any further, let me make one thing clear, I am not looking for pity (that I don’t need) but I do deserve respect and understanding. Just as I respect others feelings, thoughts and beliefs. I don’t always have to agree, I just need to respect. And respect meaning; ‘due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others’.

I reached a point this week, when I felt, ‘why do I do this to myself?’ Why do I speak so openly about my illness and in so doing, put myself out there for ridicule, stigma, misunderstanding and isolation. People are not always kind; and say or imply things that really hurt. And when you have a mental illness you are already in a vulnerable state. I was ready to say, ‘I’ve had enough and I was going to close my blog/website down. But then I remember the real reason I do this, it’s not about those ‘well meaning’ people, it’s not all about me, but it’s about those who are suffering with mental illness and do so feeling all alone. And for some reason, mental illness as always been an illness of isolation and even in today’s society is still so plain to see. But if I give up now, that would be one less voice that mental illness has and I will not give up. Despite adversity, ridicule and ignorance I will keep talking about mental illness. If you are reading this and you are guilty of stigmatizing mental illness, then shame on you for not educating yourself to what it means to be mentally ill; tomorrow it could be you or someone you love. But if you are someone who is suffering from a mental illness and you feel you are alone, you are not; I am where you are.

There are so many who are suffering from mental illness all around the world; mental illness has no respect of persons, no one is exempt. Just this week a famous Olympic swimming champion revealed he lives with depression. He said, ‘If I can get one message out there, it’s that ‘it’s OK not to be OK’. When he says, ‘living with’ he is implying/stating that his condition is a chronic illness. Chronic meaning, ‘persisting for a long time or constantly recurring’. Unfortunately for many of us, our condition is a chronic one; no different then any other chronic physical illness. So yes, I have a chronic mental illness that I have suffered all my life, but I am living with it. That doesn’t make me any less of a person; it just means I have an illness. And it also doesn’t mean that all mental illnesses are chronic, but for me; mine is. And if I have to go to my grave still struggling with this illness, then I will. Not unlike the countless multitudes of persons with cancer have gone to their graves, fighting to the end.

So today I hope I have accomplished three things. One, that I have helped to destigmatize the disease. Secondly, that I have inspired and given you hope in that you are not alone. Thirdly, that by acknowledging our own disease, I have empowered you to face your own disease openly and in the face of stigma. Our only hope of mental illness ever being publicly accepted by society, is through awareness, education and speaking out. We all have a part to do. Chin Up! We can do this together! I’m here for you!  Closing my Blog? I think NOT!

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Cannot Relate

I got up this morning, not feeling super but thankful that I was up. The day looked so overwhelming for me, so I went to my prayer chamber (the bathroom) and poured my heart out to God once again. Then I went to my Facebook blog comments and read one that really spoke truth and opened my mind to the reality of my illness. I thought I would share it with all who may read my blog; and elaborate on it a little more.

The comment said,”Great writing Harris, thank God I cannot relate to it. I think of you often, you are an inspiration.” I love the honesty she shared when she said, “thank God I cannot relate to it.” That brought so much joy to me because I am so thankful for those who cannot relate. Because this illness is not a one that many would survive. While I prayed, I thanked God that He was allowing ‘me’ to go through this illness; that means I took the place of someone else not having too. Maybe that other person may have turned to other alternatives to numb the pain and despair but I turned to God.

I try to reply to all my comments on my blogs. This was my reply to this particular comment and I hope it fills your heart with gratitude and thankfulness if you are not dealing with this dreaded illness. And if you are, may you find peace and comfort in what I say. My reply,”Thanks again xxxxxx for taking the time to read my blog (Inside My Broken Mind) I am so thankful too that you cannot relate, because this illness is a living hell. If I could take this illness from someone else and put it on myself so they could live a “normal” life, I would. I thank God for doing that for me, when He sent Jesus because that’s what He done for me. So everyday I live in Him, He is my Rock!”

I don’t profess to be perfect and have all the answers because I don’t. But in order to survive this illness you have to depend on someone bigger then yourself. An higher power. Because if you think you can do this yourself, I’m afraid you are sadly mistaken. I wish it were that easy but it’s not; we need a supernatural power. All the drugs, therapy, councilling can only help to a point; and I am grateful for all of that. But the bottom line is we need something and someone bigger.

So if you are at the end of your rope and hanging by a thread, then tie a knot and hang on. If you have tried everything, like I did and found no cure; then try God! We have nothing to loose but everything to gain. On those days when you cannot get out of bed, those days when you just want to die, those days when you have no hope, and those days when you feel all alone in a crowded world; look to Him!

Be thankful if you cannot relate because this is not a journey anyone should have to travel. But if you are like me and have to endure this living hell; be thankful that we have an advocate with the Father, the man Christ Jesus. And He said,”I will NEVER leave you or forsake you”. Hope I haven’t come across has a religious fanatic because I’m far from that. But I speak of my only hope through this illness. I hope it helps in some way to brighten your day and give you peace.

And to those of you who can’t relate; be thankful! Be very thankful!