Tag: Anxiety

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A Good Day

I was swiftly spiralling down a dark hole of despair. Loosing control as I was going down, down, down. Every indication that I was relapsing was steering me in the face. My sleeping pattern was interrupted, my appetite for food was dwindling, my emotions were crying out to me to help them stop. But I could not control them, the dam had broken and I was drowning. But worst of all, panic attacks had returned and was taking over my life. My greatest fear had come true; I was relapsing!

But was I willing and was I going to let this happen again? I fought this before and I will fight this war again. I was determined to stop this illness from escalating into a full blown breakdown. In the back of my mind I knew my options had pretty much ran out. Over the years I had tried everything to escape this living hell. But yet every day for the past eight years (not including a lifetime) I could not honestly say I had a ‘good’ day. I am not referring to my physical life but my life from within my mind. My mind was broken and I was trying desperately to fix it. I just wanted this hell to go away. But to even reach a functioning level, required hard, hard work. And today I have reached that level but staying there requires so much strength, courage and determination.

And there are so many every day triggers that would throw me into the grasps of my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. How was I going to defeat this monster? I have to use my past experiences to find my way out. And I knew the best place to start was my amazing family doctor. I wasted no time to get an appointment and before I knew it, I was sitting face to face with the man I knew could help me. I described to him the horrors of my panic attacks, how they awakened me from my already restless sleep. How I was afraid to be in a public place because a panic attack could strike without warning and wasn’t  just confined to my home life but could occur anywhere. And because of this, I was a prisoner, under house arrest.

I explained how I wasn’t living, just surviving and this was fair to no one. I was determined, this as to stop and I would do anything to make it stop. And being the compassionate doctor he is, he was determined to help me. His first plan of attack was to get my panic attacks under control. And this would require another drug, called buspirone. I have to admit, I wasn’t all that optimistic, given my track record. But I was willing to try and I did. To my amazement, six days later from taking this new drug, I have not had another panic attack since. I am being highly cautious and afraid to get my hopes up because of past drug failures but I have to believe that this one is working and will remain working.

I visited my scheduled psychologist appointment yesterday. And as I sat in his home based office, he politely asked how I was doing today? And I replied with, ‘I’m having a good day’. It seems like forever since I said those words, I really surprised myself when I said them. When you have a chronic illness, it’s not every day you can say, you’re having a good day. So now I’m just hoping to have more ‘good’ days, then bad days.

All of us I’m sure have good days and bad days. One thing we can be assured of and that is, it won’t rain always. And if we could just remember that on the bad days then we can make it through. I’m reminded of the song which says;

“Someone said that in each life some rain is bound to fall. And each one sheds his share of tears, And trouble troubles us all. But the hurt can’t hurt forever and the tears are sure to dry.

And it won’t rain always, the clouds will soon be gone. The sun that they’ve been hiding has been there all along. And it won’t rain always, God’s promises are true. The sun’s gonna shine in His own good time, and He will see you (and He will see me) through.”

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CLOSING MY BLOG

These past few weeks for me have been an overwhelming sea of depression, panic and anxiety. My illness as so desperately tried to destroy me, to a point of where I just wanted to give up and not fight anymore. Fatigue had drained every ounce of strength that I had left in me; that I couldn’t fight anymore, even if I wanted to. Curling up into a ball and staying there would be so much easier to do.

I had been so tired of ‘well meaning’ people who know nothing about me, nor my illness but who think they have all the answers to  mental illness. And I know they mean well but sometimes it’s best they say nothing at all. Actions speak louder then words. A simple hug would do more good then a textbook of advice. But sorry to say society is quicker to give their opinion (not always fact) rather then a compassionate heart. And before I go any further, let me make one thing clear, I am not looking for pity (that I don’t need) but I do deserve respect and understanding. Just as I respect others feelings, thoughts and beliefs. I don’t always have to agree, I just need to respect. And respect meaning; ‘due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others’.

I reached a point this week, when I felt, ‘why do I do this to myself?’ Why do I speak so openly about my illness and in so doing, put myself out there for ridicule, stigma, misunderstanding and isolation. People are not always kind; and say or imply things that really hurt. And when you have a mental illness you are already in a vulnerable state. I was ready to say, ‘I’ve had enough and I was going to close my blog/website down. But then I remember the real reason I do this, it’s not about those ‘well meaning’ people, it’s not all about me, but it’s about those who are suffering with mental illness and do so feeling all alone. And for some reason, mental illness as always been an illness of isolation and even in today’s society is still so plain to see. But if I give up now, that would be one less voice that mental illness has and I will not give up. Despite adversity, ridicule and ignorance I will keep talking about mental illness. If you are reading this and you are guilty of stigmatizing mental illness, then shame on you for not educating yourself to what it means to be mentally ill; tomorrow it could be you or someone you love. But if you are someone who is suffering from a mental illness and you feel you are alone, you are not; I am where you are.

There are so many who are suffering from mental illness all around the world; mental illness has no respect of persons, no one is exempt. Just this week a famous Olympic swimming champion revealed he lives with depression. He said, ‘If I can get one message out there, it’s that ‘it’s OK not to be OK’. When he says, ‘living with’ he is implying/stating that his condition is a chronic illness. Chronic meaning, ‘persisting for a long time or constantly recurring’. Unfortunately for many of us, our condition is a chronic one; no different then any other chronic physical illness. So yes, I have a chronic mental illness that I have suffered all my life, but I am living with it. That doesn’t make me any less of a person; it just means I have an illness. And it also doesn’t mean that all mental illnesses are chronic, but for me; mine is. And if I have to go to my grave still struggling with this illness, then I will. Not unlike the countless multitudes of persons with cancer have gone to their graves, fighting to the end.

So today I hope I have accomplished three things. One, that I have helped to destigmatize the disease. Secondly, that I have inspired and given you hope in that you are not alone. Thirdly, that by acknowledging our own disease, I have empowered you to face your own disease openly and in the face of stigma. Our only hope of mental illness ever being publicly accepted by society, is through awareness, education and speaking out. We all have a part to do. Chin Up! We can do this together! I’m here for you!  Closing my Blog? I think NOT!

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A Life Of Fighting

‘Desperate times cause for desperate measures’, that’s what the quote says anyway. Here I am at Robin’s, sitting alone, sipping a coffee and writing; like I was getting paid for it. I’m expecting the roof to blow off the building any minute, the wind is blowing so hard. I’m here trying to put my thoughts together but nothing seems to work. If I’m getting paid per word for what I’m writing, then my pay won’t be much today.

I’ve just experienced two horrible weeks of depression and nothing I do helps. When you are feeling depressed; ‘to do’ are the last two words in your vocabulary. You really feel totally disabled, not that you don’t want ‘to do’ something, you can’t do it. It’s like your body goes in shut down mode and you find it next to impossible to function. Nothing brings you joy, you feel numb but mostly you feel angry and guilty because you feel this way. I know it’s not my fault, this illness has captured my mind and as held me prisoner for most of my life.

Major depression is not a once in a lifetime occurrence or at least it hasn’t been for me. I guess I can compare it to a roller coaster, with many ups and downs; with the downs a lot lower then the highs of the ups. The scariest part of the ride is, you have no choice in when your ride will end and you can get off. Yes, you will experience times when your depression goes into remission as it were. You know it’s still there, but you can live life with a little more  ease. Those are the times when you have to enjoy life to it’s fullest because you don’t know how long this reprieve will last. And  then that disabling, crippling, ugly beast of depression returns in all it’s fury; that’s where I’ve been for the past few weeks. I call it a veil of sadness.

What happens to me during this period of time? I change! I find it difficult to laugh, but yet normally, I love to laugh. I love to make other people laugh; so much so that I started a YouTube channel called, ‘Walter on da line’ and it’s all about laughing. But when I’m in this pit of despair I cannot even play the part but yet I miss it so much. I’m hoping this cloud will soon lift and I can get back to playing my character, ‘Walter’, once again. Then, I didn’t go to church on Sunday, and I rarely miss. But I just could not go, I couldn’t be around large crowds, just too overwhelming. The darkness was starting to close in, the dark night of depression was creeping in. When this happens I find it really hard to see the sunshine, even when the sun is shining. I love bright sunny days but when depression strikes, the darkness hides the sunshine. I want to just run and hide. I ignore the phone, not that  I don’t want to talk to the other person but I just can’t. I just want to sleep and isolate; but I know if I do, depression will take over. So now I am becoming very frightened, scared and panic is setting in, I’m terrified that I’m relapsing, that I’m returning to that place I call hell. I can’t go there again, ever! I know now I have to see my doctor. I make my appointment.

The night before my doctor’s appointment, I sat down and tried to the best of my ability, to write what I thought he needed to hear, in order to help me.

Once inside his office, I sat and pulled out my letter of ‘confession’ and nervously let him hear what I was feeling. ‘My doctor appointment note’:

‘Lying in my restless bed last night, I turned over at least a thousand times. My appointment with my doctor this morning was enough to give anyone nightmares. I felt my life was on the line but how would I make him see that. And if he did, what good would it do, if any? Had my diagnosis been written in stone and this was my lot in life? Six months had gone by since my last appointment and here I was again, waiting impatiently in the waiting room.

What as happened in those six months that he would need to know and that I would need to tell him, in order for him to understand where I am today, in my somewhat mental health. I guess those pass six months have proven, I’m not suicidal because if I were, I would not be sitting in this chair today and he would have lost one of his many patients.

But how have I improved or declined since my last visit? Mental health isn’t as black or white as other physical illnesses and therefore much harder to explain and pinpoint. For me each day and everyday is a fight and a struggle to survive this war within. Some days very intense, others maybe not so intense, but a struggle none the less. It’s a fight to function, to move, to feel happiness, to perform. Some days I do fairly well, others not so well.

The last few weeks I have found myself spiraling downward into a deep hole of despair. Wanting to sleep more, to escape the pain. Longing just to feel okay. Not being afraid to face the day, just to know I can do this. But lots of my days I loose my fight, I run out of ammunition, there’s nothing left to fight with. I’m exhausted, tired, frustrated and lots of times hopelessness creeps in and tries to steal that little bit of ‘being’ that I have left. But I won’t let go, I hold on tight.

My pain becomes real through my tears. I have moments when I have to let them escape and let some of the pain go. Sometimes I think I feel healing in my tears. Some people may call that weakness but I call that strength. Keeping it all inside is weakness; not wanting or knowing what to do with the pain. Finding ways to cope, to heal, to be okay; is strength! On most days, that’s how I have functioned.

But the scary days come when you feel you are loosing control, when you are loosing your battle and you have no strength to fight back. That’s the scary days and that’s where I am today.’

I believe he heard me, he was listening. But I also believe that he knows that this is really what my life is, was and always will be. I will have good days and bad days, but I have to accept that that’s the way this illness works, much like any other illness, you have it and you just have to learn to live with it. Right now I feel really low but I have to believe that I will bounce back again. That the light will shine again, that the spark will come back into my eyes, my energy and drive will increase and life will be restored to my being.

I know what I have written is very personal and some would call private. But if I am going to be honest and expose this horrible disease for what it is, then I have to tell it like it is and hide nothing. Good days and bad days. If I have to sacrifice my own privacy to help others to see and feel this misunderstood, stigmatized and cruel disease, then I will do so.

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A Year In Review

The year 2018 was anything but celebratory. Every day that I opened my eyes; I had to force myself to move. Everyday I fought a war from within, a war that no one else saw, a battle from within. Happiness didn’t find me naturally, I had to fight to just be okay. This thing called depression as left me angry, ashamed, guilty and exhausted. One thing I will be and that is real, it is what it is; ugly!

I cannot paint a beautiful picture for you of my life being easy, relaxed and carefree; that would not be the truth. There were no truer words spoken then when the Apostle John said, ‘In this world you will have trouble'(John 16:33). And we as a family has had more then our share. There were times when we wondered if we would ever survive it and we are certainly not out of danger yet. I have to believe in the promises of God, even on the days when I don’t feel God at all.

There were many days in 2018 that I did not feel the presence of God. But I have learned from my experiences that I cannot live by the way I feel but I have to live by what I know. And I know that God promised to walk with me, to uphold me. In Isaiah 41:10 He tells me, ‘So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Then there’s the chorus we sing, ‘Because He lives, I can face tomorrow…all fear is gone’. There were and are days I could not sing this song truthfully. There were days when fear gripped my very being and I had to remind myself over and over again that He holds my future. But because of my depression and anxiety my brain could not retain that information and allow me to live a fearless life. So I am trying everyday to live by what I know, not what I feel.

Because I could not feel God over the past several years, my mind tried to convince me that God was nowhere near me; I was forsaken. But that is not the truth, that is not what I ‘know’. Hebrews 13:5 ‘….I will never leave you, nor forsake you’. I have to hold fast to these promises even in my darkest days.

Then there were days when I felt so ashamed and guilty. I questioned myself, why am I feeling this way, if I’m professing to be a Christian, then I should not have these thoughts or feelings. But then I thought, if I had any other illness, besides a mental one, would I be feeling the same way? If I had diabetes for example, would I be questioning my relationship with God? I don’ think so! I would look at it as an illness and that my pancreas wasn’t producing enough insulin for my body, so I would need to take medication to regulate my insulin levels. But because I have a mental illness, I am supposed to look at it differently. When really my brain is not creating enough serotonin, which is a neurotransmitter that contributes to the feeling of well-being and happiness. It has nothing to do with my relationship with God. God promised to walk ‘with us’ through our difficult times, not to remove us from them. Although I have depression and anxiety, in spite of this, I can still love God for who He is, not because of the way I feel. I can still serve God with depression just the same as if I had diabetes. There is no difference. Thanks be to God!

Prior to Christmas, I started my own YouTube channel called, ‘Walter On Da Line’. I felt again it was a way to deter my thoughts away from my illness to being funny. And I felt it was another great form of therapy and I was really enjoying it. But then, just to show you how powerful and controlling depression can be; I got up one morning and my depression had moved in and suffocated my ‘funny’. I could not produce a video of ‘Walter’ if my life depended on it and up to this day I still can’t. But I’m praying that with time and some space, I’ll be able to do it again.

Depression is so powerful and debilitating,  that at times it makes life so unbearable. But I live in hope that one day I will be well again. But until then I will keep fighting, hoping that my strength will not fail. I pray that 2019 will be filled with hope, happiness, peace and good health for us all.

 

 

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Different and Isolated

It’s late November, a very misty,foggy, mild day. But it’s November, where’s the white blanket of snow and the cold frosty air? Oh right, we’re in Newfoundland where the seasons change every ten minutes, but I’m not complaining because shovelling snow is not my idea of fun. The push is on now to get the Christmas decorating done and that takes me forever because I can only do a little at a time. If I tried to do it all at once, I would just get overwhelmed and my anxiety would go through the roof.

It’s kind of ironic the things we take for granted because there was a time when those kind of tasks didn’t trigger my anxiety; it was total enjoyment. But now I have to work a little harder at keeping anxiety under control and that requires work on my part, which exhaust me and steals the joy from the things that once I so much enjoyed. I know that’s hard for some people who haven’t suffered from major anxiety to understand, and that’s okay. But my goal here is to educate those who don’t ‘get it’ and to let those who do ‘get it’ to know that they are not alone.

This illness is so disabling and crippling (major depression and anxiety) that it makes you feel like you’re different, you’re not normal, you’re flawed; that you’re going around trying to imitate everyone else that you think is ‘normal’. Trying so desperately just to fit in. But truthfully, there are so many times that I feel I just don’t fit in, I’m different. And that feeling is so isolating.

Since Lauren was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and I’m not comparing the two for similarities but it gives me a better understanding of what different and isolated really feels like. No matter what you think or say, there is still such an enormous stigma that is attached to a wheelchair. Just for example sake; it was just yesterday we went to a birthday party with Lauren. And just for the moment I began to observe how the other children interacted with her. And I realized that a lot of them, not all, were staring at her like she had some contagious disease, like they had never seen a wheelchair before in their lives. And no, this was not just my thinking but when we left, Lisa pointed out the same observance. It was very sad, especially in today’s society where kids are exposed to so much but yet still looked at Lauren as if she was different. And yes she is different but no different then a kid that was wearing glasses, hearing aids, kids with diabetes or me with my mental illness. In one way or another we are all different, I guess some differences we just can’t see, and because we can’t see them they are looked upon as ‘normal’. So sad but yet so true.

I guess for us it’s accepting the fact that that’s the way things are. And some things will never change, no matter how much we try to educate and no matter how much we advocate, some things will never fully change. We just have to embrace those who do and accept those who don’t ‘get it’. And realize that there are still those out there living in their perfect world, with their arrogance and ignorance and for those we will say a little prayer.

 

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Rewrite Your Blueprint

I think I lost the blueprint for my life. The life I have is so blurred and out of my control that I feel lost in the whirlwind and I’m just spinning on an hamster wheel and getting nowhere. I believe when we’re young and full of anticipation of what we want in life, what we will be in life, we dream big. And there’s nothing wrong with that except sometimes those dreams don’t always happen the way we planned, the blueprint we had planned and designed for our life gets lost and we are left disappointed, frustrated and unhappy.

I believe that the greatest need within all of us is just to be accepted, loved and to belong. Our blueprint is not all about what our careers will be, although that’s a big part of the plan. And lots of times when we’re young our dreams of what we think we will do or become don’t even come close to what we thought it would be. Seasons change and so do we. Sometimes that change happens naturally and willingly, other times it can happen through unforeseen circumstances that are out of our control.

When I was in High School, many decades ago; I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. And if I did know, my plans would have come to an abrupt halt, when I had a (what they called then) ‘nervous breakdown’. I became disabled to a point of not being able to function, this went on for months. So already my blueprint was shattered and torn. Every decision I made after that was always affected or altered by my illness. I felt so alone, dictated by my illness and afraid. Afraid that any decision I made for my life would awaken my ugly, sleeping lion within me.

But I knew I had to move on in spite of my illness. So I planned a blueprint for my life with what I had, a life with limitations. But I couldn’t let my illness control my life entirely, I had to move on. I completed my high school education and went on to College. And for approximately thirty years I owned and operated my own business. Easy right? Not at all, I had several episodes of depression and anxiety throughout those years but still functioned and carried out the  plans of my blueprint.

For years marriage and children were never part of my blueprint. But then in my thirties, this beautiful young lady walked into my life and I knew I had to redesign my blueprint; my plans had changed. And on August 9,1997 we were married. We lived an amazing life, moved to St.John’s where we lived for fifteen years and had two beautiful children.

Yet under all this amazing life as we knew it, loomed my ugly, unpredictable illness that I had kept under control with medication for all those years. But then it happened; nothing was able to tame this roaring lion within and it lunged into full force. This attack left me disabled both mentally and physically. It destroyed everything in my life, every area of my life was affected. I was left for dead, with no will to live. My blueprint was burned to ashes.

Almost six years have passed, I had to redesign a brand new blueprint for my life. A blueprint that I would never had imagined I’d ever be designing; where I am and who I am is so far from where I thought I would be at this season of my life.

Bitterness and self pity often knock at my door, but I can’t let them in. They would just make my life worse and that’s certainly not what I need. I’ve began to realize I need to redesign my blueprint of what I think my life should be. My blueprints of the past are gone, I have to stop dwelling on what they were and design a new blueprint. A blueprint that is based on what I have right now, whether that be good or bad, a blueprint that is not crystal clear anymore. And when my life feels like it’s spinning out of control, I have to sit down at my drawing table and start designing a life for this moment, for today. And throw  away or discard those old blueprints of where I thought I would be and be content with where I am at this season of my life.

So if you are like me and your blueprint for your life, is not so perfect, it’s not at all what you had planned. It’s best we stop fighting what we think it should be and redesign a new set of blueprints. Accept the reality of what is, and learn to enjoy what we do have and stop dwelling on what we think our life should be. Even if that means giving up on that misguided dream.

 

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Never Take Today For Granted

To say that the last few days have been anything but wonderful, would be an understatement. Nothing as changed in my life that would trigger a flare up of my anxiety and depression. It just happens, I have no control over my illness when it decides to control my mind and body.

Yes, I did say, ‘mind and body’. This illness affects every aspect of your life, and some days leaving you crippled and disabled. Confined to the most inner core of your brain and leaving your body paralyzed as it were and difficult to move. Trying desperately to move and fight this war within. When on your very bad days you just want to give up, lie down and sleep away your emotional pain. But I cannot always do that, my anxiety makes it very difficult to relax even enough to fall to sleep. When my eyes open to the morning light, I cannot just lie there and enjoy the warmth and comfort of my bed, my thoughts would run away with me; so in order to not over think things, I have to get up and move. Staying there in my cozy bed would only exasperate my symptoms and make me feel worse. Getting up and moving is the best thing I could do for myself and everyone around me.

Hobbies certainly help in the control of my illness. But when I am really low, hobbies are the last thing I want to do. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to just take a break from it all. But I can’t let this break last too long because if I did nothing for extended periods of time, it would only increase my depression and anxiety. So I have to give myself a little pep talk, then a kick and try as best I can to get back on track. None of which comes easy for someone with a mental illness but life is not always about being easy.  The mental fatigue that comes with this disorder drains you of any physical energy that you may have, thus leaving you depleted and exhausted.

Life’s everyday responsibilities and demands put so much pressure on us to perform. Even for someone that is well; that can get overwhelming. But for someone struggling day in and day out with a mental disorder, it can seem impossible to do. So I can only do what I can and no more. I have learned how to say, ‘no’ and I know my limitations. My first priority is my family and I try desperately to be the best father and husband that I can be, in spite of my limitations and I know there are times I fail but I do give all that I have and sometimes because of my illness, that is just not enough. But I have to accept that I can do no more then what my mind and body allows. When you do your best, with what you have, you can do no more.

Today I pray will be a better day, I never give up on hope. And when I do get a good day, I give it all I got and enjoy it to it’s fullest. Because we never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Never take today for granted because our lives can change in a moment.

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I’m Done

It seems like forever since I have written a blog about me. I sat down in my office, put the white, blank paper in front of me, equipped myself with my weapon; the pen. And stared blankly out the window in front of the desk, with not a word to write. I was DONE, empty, tired and alone. Maybe it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything left to write about but maybe my mind was bombarded with thoughts and I just didn’t know where to start.  I wanted  thoughts to heal myself and words to help someone else. But I felt neither.

I’ve been down this road so many times, and yet today feels like this is my first entry. Depression and anxiety are so hard to write about; the vastness of their symptoms and their indescribable pain, make it impossible to write on paper.  Yes, I have come so far but life’s triggers make it so easy to go two steps back. It’s a constant battle that I will probably have to fight for the rest of my life. But because of how far I have come, I believe I can do this. Not for anyone else but for me. That may sound selfish but in reality it’s not at all. Let me explain; depression is an illness for me, it’s not a feeling that I can turn on or off. I cannot make myself better for someone or something else, it doesn’t work that way. If it did I would have done that a long time ago. If my heart is sick; I can’t fix it. If my kidneys were sick; I can’t fix it. If my brain is sick (and it is, I am not denying that); I can’t fix it!

What I do every day is work with what I have. Some days are fairly good, other’s are not; not unlike any other illness. My depression as told me so many lies but I have come to terms with that and accepted that that’s what they are; lies. My illness as told me I am weak, when in reality in order to cope with this illness, you require the strength that is far beyond our own human strength and for that I give God all the Glory. Another lie; I am worthless, when really I am bought with a price. And nothing can separate me or you from the love of God. No matter what we have done, how worthless we feel; God loves us just as we are. My illness as made me feel so insecure within myself; I am not a good father, I am not a good husband, I am not……and the list goes on. But these insecurities stem from what depression as stolen from me. But everyday, day by day, I’m taking it back. It’s hard work and it’s going to take time but I am determined, with God’s help, to conquer every battle this illness throws in my path.

I’m taking back everything that I have lost, it may take a lifetime but I will do it. I am certainly not there yet, I have a lot of work to do. But I am worth it, I am strong, I am secure, I am courageous, I am a fighter. And if you are out there and you know what I’m talking about; you can do it too. Believe in God, believe in yourself, just believe! You can do it!

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Comfort in Trouble

It basically took me a lifetime of suffering with depression to realize that there was probably a good reason for all this pain. It could not have all been in vain and nothing good could come out of it all. There had to be a reason, a purpose, for all this misery that depression and anxiety had brought to my life. The fire of this illness had consumed me to nothing but ashes. But out of the ashes there will come some good.

I was reminded of this very fact when I recently read this from a devotional, which said, ‘The tough things we experience can help us understand others, relate to others and gain valuable resources with which we can help others’. I knew there had to be something positive hidden under all those ashes. And when I started digging, I realized what it was. To help others! I believe that the most effective person that could help someone with depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts; is someone who as walked down the same road.

I may not have all the answers but I can feel the pain, feel the hurt and listen without judgement. And I am someone who totally ‘gets it’, I understand where you are. When others don’t understand, not because they don’t care but because they haven’t been there; they aren’t where you are and therefore just cannot fully comprehend what it is you are going through.

In recent years I have dealt with more hurt, pain and trials then I have in all my lifetime combined. And I have often asked God, ‘why?’. Why do I have to experience so much tribulation?And I’m sure in your own situations you have questioned God and asked, ‘why?’. And the only answer I could find is found in 2 Corinthians 1:4 “God comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble”.

I guess God had it all figured out before I even existed. I learned two life lessons from this Bible verse. One is that God comforts me in all my tribulation. So no matter what  my troubles are, I can be assured that God will comfort me no matter the circumstances that I might find myself in. He is present in the rain and the sunshine. Secondly, I believe God knew in order for us to be touched by someone else’s infirmities; we would have to experience them for ourselves. Because I have a mental illness, I can be a comfort to someone else who is dealing with a mental illness themselves. Nothing brings me greater pleasure, a feeling of accomplishment and self worth; as does when I have encouraged and offered support, hope and comfort to someone else.

So mental illness; you haven’t beaten me down, you haven’t destroyed me, you haven’t had the last word. You have not won!  God will bring light out of the darkness, good out of the bad and comfort out of our tribulations and trouble. In Him will I trust!

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Two Shoes

Today is Church day, a day of rest; not in our case. Lauren dictates the mood of the morning, and so would I if I were in a body cast. Her bath now consist of a bed bath and her hair being washed in the kitchen sink by lying her on the counter and her head in the sink. You do what you have to do, it definitely takes two of us to accomplish this task.

Her bed bath doesn’t go all that smoothly; pain, hurt, and discomfort seems to be the order of the morning. This is a timely procedure, with her popping tears from her eyes as big as raindrops. And you are holding back tears because you know if you start, they will never stop. None of this makes any sense and life seems so unfair, for a little child to have to suffer so.

Then its time to put on her Sunday best and top it off with her princess shoes. But then she realizes; I only have one shoe on and I have two feet. She can’t understand the concept that one cast practically covers her foot, while the other foot is totally exposed. So she cries all the way to church because she only has one shoe.

I explain to her that we can’t go into the Church with her screaming and if she doesn’t calm down, we’ll have to go back home. So she seems to understand and stops crying. By this time I am so frustrated, heartbroken and helpless; I don’t know how I’m going to go inside and pretend that we are having an amazing morning. And put on my ‘expected’ Christian smile and worship.

I make it to the doors, with my my anxiety through the roof, and without turning around  and making a run for home; I enter the Church. I’m already  late and that doesn’t go over well with me, my anxiety requires me to be there ten minutes before church starts. But not this morning.

I wheel us into our usual spot and take a breath; a big, deep breath. I lean over and she quietly says, ‘I want two shoes’. Now I can’t hold back the tears anymore, I am totally overwhelmed with the situation and life.  Right at that moment it was more then I could bare. So I thought, what do I do? I was at the end of my resources and I felt Lauren’s doctor’s were playing Russian  roulette with Lauren’s mobility. As a family we could not take anymore, nor could we do anymore.

I decided there and then; well if we can’t , Jesus can. I had to believe that. He was our only resort, our only hope. Quoting Pastor Isaiah, ‘So when we are at the end; Jesus is at the beginning’ (something like that). So without any hesitation, I brought my little girl to Jesus and I have to believe that He met us there at the front of that Church; I laid her on the altar (not literally), I gave her back to God. Me with my broken heart and broken mind and Lauren in desperate need of a touch from the Master. I pictured Him taking Lauren up in His arms and saying, ‘It’s going to be alright my child’. I prayed so earnestly for God’s intervention in our lives because without Him, we were falling apart. Our family was torn apart by life’s trials and only He could fix it.

Eventually Lauren will get to wear two shoes, but not only wear them but walk in them. If I don’t see it here on earth, I will see it in Heaven; we will cross the finish line one way or another. But we will win!

Isaiah 35:6 ‘Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy. Water will gush forth in the wildness and streams in the desert.’