Category: Mental Illness

Depression, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. And my story; “A Broken Mind”

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Rewrite Your Blueprint

I think I lost the blueprint for my life. The life I have is so blurred and out of my control that I feel lost in the whirlwind and I’m just spinning on an hamster wheel and getting nowhere. I believe when we’re young and full of anticipation of what we want in life, what we will be in life, we dream big. And there’s nothing wrong with that except sometimes those dreams don’t always happen the way we planned, the blueprint we had planned and designed for our life gets lost and we are left disappointed, frustrated and unhappy.

I believe that the greatest need within all of us is just to be accepted, loved and to belong. Our blueprint is not all about what our careers will be, although that’s a big part of the plan. And lots of times when we’re young our dreams of what we think we will do or become don’t even come close to what we thought it would be. Seasons change and so do we. Sometimes that change happens naturally and willingly, other times it can happen through unforeseen circumstances that are out of our control.

When I was in High School, many decades ago; I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. And if I did know, my plans would have come to an abrupt halt, when I had a (what they called then) ‘nervous breakdown’. I became disabled to a point of not being able to function, this went on for months. So already my blueprint was shattered and torn. Every decision I made after that was always affected or altered by my illness. I felt so alone, dictated by my illness and afraid. Afraid that any decision I made for my life would awaken my ugly, sleeping lion within me.

But I knew I had to move on in spite of my illness. So I planned a blueprint for my life with what I had, a life with limitations. But I couldn’t let my illness control my life entirely, I had to move on. I completed my high school education and went on to College. And for approximately thirty years I owned and operated my own business. Easy right? Not at all, I had several episodes of depression and anxiety throughout those years but still functioned and carried out the  plans of my blueprint.

For years marriage and children were never part of my blueprint. But then in my thirties, this beautiful young lady walked into my life and I knew I had to redesign my blueprint; my plans had changed. And on August 9,1997 we were married. We lived an amazing life, moved to St.John’s where we lived for fifteen years and had two beautiful children.

Yet under all this amazing life as we knew it, loomed my ugly, unpredictable illness that I had kept under control with medication for all those years. But then it happened; nothing was able to tame this roaring lion within and it lunged into full force. This attack left me disabled both mentally and physically. It destroyed everything in my life, every area of my life was affected. I was left for dead, with no will to live. My blueprint was burned to ashes.

Almost six years have passed, I had to redesign a brand new blueprint for my life. A blueprint that I would never had imagined I’d ever be designing; where I am and who I am is so far from where I thought I would be at this season of my life.

Bitterness and self pity often knock at my door, but I can’t let them in. They would just make my life worse and that’s certainly not what I need. I’ve began to realize I need to redesign my blueprint of what I think my life should be. My blueprints of the past are gone, I have to stop dwelling on what they were and design a new blueprint. A blueprint that is based on what I have right now, whether that be good or bad, a blueprint that is not crystal clear anymore. And when my life feels like it’s spinning out of control, I have to sit down at my drawing table and start designing a life for this moment, for today. And throw  away or discard those old blueprints of where I thought I would be and be content with where I am at this season of my life.

So if you are like me and your blueprint for your life, is not so perfect, it’s not at all what you had planned. It’s best we stop fighting what we think it should be and redesign a new set of blueprints. Accept the reality of what is, and learn to enjoy what we do have and stop dwelling on what we think our life should be. Even if that means giving up on that misguided dream.

 

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Hanging By A Thread

I feel like I lost my ability to write; I just stare at my paper and nothing happens. Not that there’s nothing to write about, maybe just that there’s too much going through this head of mine and I don’t know how to express it anymore. Almost like, what’s the point? Who’s listening? Who cares? The last few days have been tough, and I mean tough, unexplainable tough.

When you struggle/suffer from a mental illness, it just doesn’t go away when you will it to or want it to. When you awake in the morning, you don’t choose how you are going to feel today, you just hope that it’s going to be a good one. Well, the last couple of days have not been good ones, you feel like you’re hanging by a thread and if you let go you are going to fall into this dark hole, a bottomless pit and you just keep falling.

The symptoms of depression and anxiety are so crippling and disabling. Everything I do I have to push myself, the everyday tasks are never simple or enjoyable. The overwhelming fear and inability makes them nearly impossible to do. You want to hide, to isolate; just escape. But you can do neither, life happens, life still goes on and I have to move along with it, in spite of it all. Whether I feel like it or not; it as to be done and I do it. I guess I’m stronger then I think I am because when I’m at a low, I have no idea how I can move on. But I do!

I’m tired of performing, exhausted from the fight, laden with the burdens, the load is just too heavy to carry. What are my options? Give up? Keep fighting? In my human strength, I would have given up a long time ago. But that still small voice keeps reminding me, ‘I got this, just leave it up to me’. And I try with every ounce of strength that I have left in me, and at times that’s pretty limited, to put my trust in the God, who when I’m feeling low, seems so far away. But I know He’s there, He’s got to be, there are no other answers; only He can provide what I need. So when I’m hanging by a thread, it’s the hem of His garment.

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Lord I Believe

‘The quality of being thankful, readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness’. That’s how google defines gratitude, that just doesn’t do it justice. Gratitude doesn’t just come from your mouth has words but from your heart. It’s an overflowing of thankfulness that is felt only from deep inside. There were days I thought I would never feel gratitude again.

It’s been years since I’ve been able to live a normal, functional life. The disabling, crippling disease of mental illness has stolen from my life immensely. But everyday I live my best life, despite my illness, some days better then others. And everyday, little by little I have fought to regain some of my ‘normal life’. Times when I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear when I attempted to perform life’s simple task. For me, the simple task that I would  normally just do without even thinking; now have turned into a mountain of anxiety.

But today I am so grateful for the simple things that I now can perform. One in particular I have to share with you, to help you understand my point. It’s been six years since I have driven on the Trans Canada Highway. Lauren is presently admitted to the Janeway Children’s Hospital. Lisa stays with her and I visit when I can because one of us as to stay with Logan. I was forced into a position where if I wanted to be with Lauren while Logan was in school, I had to overcome this phobia. How am I ever going to do this? When my brain says, ‘you can’t!’

I stayed home one day because Logan had to go skating with his school class and a parent had to be present. I knew I couldn’t stay away from the hospital for two days and my pride didn’t want to ask anyone to give me a lift to the hospital (only an hour away). But to me that seemed like a six hour drive. But I was determined.

The problems, trials, sicknesses and uncertainties, have moved in, in abundance. Making it next to impossible to feel gratitude for anything. When everything else was so overwhelming and drowned any feelings of gratitude that tried to seep in. Lauren’s Spring/Summer/Fall was basically spent in bed, lying on her back; due to one surgery after another. And we has her caregivers/parents were feeling the weight of the load. We were at the bottom of a very dark hole.

I knew we were running on empty, hope was depleting and our human strength was failing us. We were beginning to question, how can we go on? There was nothing humanly possible that anyone or ourselves could do, we were at, what felt like, a dead end. But I remembered my Dad (who is now passed) was a prayer warrior, a man of faith and strength. I was home alone, what did I have to loose. So to my knees I fell, if I could pray Heaven down to us, it was going to be today. And pray I did, for every ugly situation in our lives, that was out of our control. And do you know what? Heaven did come down! I prayed from the depths of my heart and soul, for the power of God to take over, I was done, now it was up to Him.

You may call it coincidence and foolishness. You may call it what you like, but I call it a visitation of the power of God. ‘He came to me, when I could not come to where He was, He came to me’. That night before Logan and I went to bed, Lisa texted me a picture of Lauren sitting in her wheelchair (a miracle), we hadn’t seen Lauren sit for months; she was always in a lying position when in cast or out. An here she was just the next day sitting, my heart leaped for joy ad gratitude. I could not believe what I was seeing, that’s impossible. But then again we serve the God of the impossible, anything is possible with Him. My hope was renewed.

And today I made that one hour trip to  visit Lauren at the hospital, all by myself. It’s ironic because prior to my severe depression and anxiety; I could drive across Canada and probably wouldn’t think twice. But today I was not alone, I had an unseen passenger. There were many times  in the pass six years I have questioned God’s presence and power but today I know He is present and is ever present.

Today I am filled with gratitude to God. “To God be the Glory, Great Things He Hath Done”. And great things I believe He will continue to do, if we just believe. Lord I Believe!

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The Seasons of Life

It’s Fall, one of the most beautiful, scenic seasons of all. The bright, vivid colors of leaves as they hold on tightly to the trees; not wanting to fall off. The cool, fresh, clean air of the wind whispers the ghostly sounds of Halloween. Winter is fast approaching with it’s chilly winds, sparkling blankets of snow and all the trees are laden by the weight of the white, sugar-like powder on it’s branches. The seasons come and go, we have no say in when and where, much like the seasons of our lives. Life is built around seasons; some cold and sad, some warm and happy, others filled with uncertainty and unpredictability but this one thing we know; they will come and then they will go. Nothing last forever, not even the seasons of life.

Today is Halloween, ironically you can feel the airy, ghostly feeling of the season, as I glance out my window at the grey, silent atmosphere. With nothing but the sounds of black crows screaming in the distant air. I wonder what they are saying? ‘Hurry winter is coming’! Or maybe, ‘Halloween is here, watch for the ghosts and witches flying overhead’.

Logan is gone to school, overflowing with excitement and wonderment of what the day will bring. Halloween is here and all the excitement it allows for kids, even the kid in all of us. Logan decided to be ‘pikachu’ from pokemon. And of course so did Lauren (her’s is a girly pikachu) but sadly, Lauren can’t get out this year. Right now she is still confined to her bed and only gets out when it is absolutely necessary and that is always against her will because when she moves she is in so much pain and fear. But we will try to put her costume and give her a form of Halloween. It fills us with so much sadness but we will make it as special as we can for her sake; sometimes the seasons of life are not very fair or kind.

Maybe the next season, things will be better. It is so easy to loose hope and faith when your season of life is a boisterous winter storm. But maybe, just one day, our season will change to the bright, sunny days of summer. And from the wise words of my father, ‘Tomorrow will be better’. I will cling to that hope and believe in his wisdom, that things will get better.

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Something Beautiful

“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that we can go through a great deal of darkness yet still become something beautiful.” The third stage of a butterfly’s life is called the chrysalis. This is where the caterpillar forms itself into a cocoon. Inside this small, dark chrysalis is where all the action takes place and the caterpillar is transformed by metamorphosis into a beautiful butterfly.

Mental illness, sickness, cancer, cerebral palsy, etc. can bring  much darkness into your life. And so often you have to question, why? Deep down you pray that there has to be some beauty that will emerge from all this ugliness. While we are inside the cocoon, the storm is raging on the inside, but it’s here that the changes are taking place. If we didn’t experience this stage, this season in our lives; we would always remain a caterpillar, something not so beautiful, intriguing and powerful. But it’s in the darkness, we emerge into something more beautiful, more powerful, more strong then we ever thought possible.

Right now, I am still at the metamorphosis stage. I’m still changing, still evolving and still hoping that I am becoming someone more beautiful on the inside, stronger then I ever was before and a better person because I have experienced so much darkness and brought down to the valley of life. But it is in the valley that we are restored, we grow, we emerge. If we were always on the mountaintop we would never experience growth and new life.

I do thank God for the dark times (maybe sometimes a little unwillingly), for the valleys; even when I don’t understand, I just pray that He would keep us all in the hallow of His hand. And one day, I believe that we will ‘come forth as gold’. For in Job 23:10 we read, “But He knoweth the way that I take; when He hath tried me, I SHALL come forth as gold”

Do I believe today, that I have come forth as gold? No, but I have to believe and not loose hope that one day, in His time, I will! So if you are experiencing a very dark place in your life today, be encouraged, you too can and will come forth as gold. You can go through a lot of darkness but you will see the light again and shine with beauty. Remember God loves you, you are not alone.

 

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Never Take Today For Granted

To say that the last few days have been anything but wonderful, would be an understatement. Nothing as changed in my life that would trigger a flare up of my anxiety and depression. It just happens, I have no control over my illness when it decides to control my mind and body.

Yes, I did say, ‘mind and body’. This illness affects every aspect of your life, and some days leaving you crippled and disabled. Confined to the most inner core of your brain and leaving your body paralyzed as it were and difficult to move. Trying desperately to move and fight this war within. When on your very bad days you just want to give up, lie down and sleep away your emotional pain. But I cannot always do that, my anxiety makes it very difficult to relax even enough to fall to sleep. When my eyes open to the morning light, I cannot just lie there and enjoy the warmth and comfort of my bed, my thoughts would run away with me; so in order to not over think things, I have to get up and move. Staying there in my cozy bed would only exasperate my symptoms and make me feel worse. Getting up and moving is the best thing I could do for myself and everyone around me.

Hobbies certainly help in the control of my illness. But when I am really low, hobbies are the last thing I want to do. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to just take a break from it all. But I can’t let this break last too long because if I did nothing for extended periods of time, it would only increase my depression and anxiety. So I have to give myself a little pep talk, then a kick and try as best I can to get back on track. None of which comes easy for someone with a mental illness but life is not always about being easy.  The mental fatigue that comes with this disorder drains you of any physical energy that you may have, thus leaving you depleted and exhausted.

Life’s everyday responsibilities and demands put so much pressure on us to perform. Even for someone that is well; that can get overwhelming. But for someone struggling day in and day out with a mental disorder, it can seem impossible to do. So I can only do what I can and no more. I have learned how to say, ‘no’ and I know my limitations. My first priority is my family and I try desperately to be the best father and husband that I can be, in spite of my limitations and I know there are times I fail but I do give all that I have and sometimes because of my illness, that is just not enough. But I have to accept that I can do no more then what my mind and body allows. When you do your best, with what you have, you can do no more.

Today I pray will be a better day, I never give up on hope. And when I do get a good day, I give it all I got and enjoy it to it’s fullest. Because we never know what tomorrow is going to bring. Never take today for granted because our lives can change in a moment.

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A Mind That Tries To Die

It’s an early, Fall morning and I just got Logan off to school. I walk in the house, after coming back from Logan’s bus stop, and there’s not a sound, total deading silence. Lisa and Lauren are still sleeping, probably after another restless night of Lauren being in her body cast. It seems she gets her best sleep in the morning. So I, not wanting to wake them, decide to sit at my desk and quietly play with my iphone. I had no intentions of writing but changed my busy mind when I scrolled upon a post that read, “Depression is living in a body that fights to survive, with a mind that tries to die”.

If there ever was the perfect  description of what depression is, because it is very difficult to describe in words, this would be the perfect description. I have lived a lifetime of battling this illness and doing so mostly in silence. It’s only in recent years that I have chosen to speak openly and honestly about my depressive disorder. I have on more then one occasion prayed to God, to just let me die. To escape the pain and hell I was enduring at that moment, to free my family of having to live with the torment, fear, and worry that I had inflicted on them from having this illness and lastly to finally have peace of my own. To not have to live in constant torment, to not have to live with a mind that would not stop to rest, to quiet that inner voice that would not shut up. Even to this day,I still struggle, maybe not to the extent that I have in the past; but I still struggle. I would be lying to you if I said I weren’t. But I live each day as best I can, with what I have and my faith in God.

To get back to where I am today, did not come easy and I have to work each day to be the best that I can be. Living a ‘normal’ life with a mental illness does not come naturally or easily but with a lot of endurance, courage, strength and faith. If you are reading this and you can relate or ‘get it’, let me just share with you some words of wisdom that I have learned from having depression and have helped me to survive.

Let go of the PAST! No matter how painful that past may  have been, holding on to it will not make you feel any better. It will just keep eating away at you, mouthful by mouthful, until there’s nothing left. Letting go doesn’t  mean that you’ll forget but letting go gives you permission to live the life you have today, at it’s best. So let’s live today, live for the moment, it’s what we have; this moment.

Let’s stop worrying about other people’s opinions and judgments of us. We are, who we are, we are unique and that is not a bad thing. Stop ‘people pleasing’ , we will never please everybody and when we do, we free ourselves to live our own best life and not have to constantly be concerned about what someone else thinks.

Believe in yourself. And let’s not limit our beliefs to what other’s tell us. Believe in something because you know it’s right, not because someone else told you too. You have the power within yourself to form your own belief system. Doing so will release the power to live your best life. Believe in you, you are worth it!

Relationships; be very selective, cautious and aware of who you allow into your life. Relationships sometimes can ‘break’ you and that be a friendship or an emotional (love) attachment. If we need someone else to “complete” us, then we are walking a dangerous road. Having said that, relationships are a part of life and we certainly need them to enhance our lives. We certainly need them for love, support and companionship. If there are people in our lives that only bring negativity, then maybe we should rethink that relationship.

Don’t base your self worth on the worth of your bank account. If I did that, I would probably be worthless. Don’t let the decisions in our lives be made by money but by following our hearts. I had to come to terms with this when I became unable to work. It’s only now that I realize my worth is not based on my income. But what truly matters is my heart’s worth. I could have all the money in the world and still live a miserable life. And I could be the poorest in the world financially but be the richest on the inside.

And lastly my greatest means of survival has been my faith. A faith not based on any worldly contribution but a faith based solely on God ( not a god). And that being a God that is not confined to the four walls of a Church but a God who holds the Universe in His hands. A God that loved me when I did not love myself, a God that loves me unconditionally, just as I am.

So today if you are fighting to survive, with a mind that wants to die. Be encouraged, you are stronger then you think, there is hope, on your most hopeless days. Don’t give up, the sun will shine again!

 

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In His Hands

Night falls, day breaks; what will this day bring? Can I do this again? My strength is depleting , but life requires so much endurance and I wonder where does my strength come from? As a human being we have a limited supply, there is a fuel tank and there are times when I feel I am running on empty. But then once again that still small voice speaks to me and reminds me that, ‘He is my strength’.Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. Exodus 15:2 says, “The Lord is my strength and my song, He has given me victory”. Nehemiah 8:10 “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength “.

My life is anything but stress free. I am sure we all have stress in our lives and I am not comparing. I am just sharing my experience, to remind myself and to help others who feel they have no hope. I suffer from depression and have so all my life, I was born with it, genetics plays a big role in my illness. Choice was never an option. Do I become angry and blame everything that ever went wrong on my illness? I can and have but that’s the past, I cannot live there anymore. I now try to live in the moment (notice I said ‘try’, sometimes my human side tries to go back). But Philippians 3:13-14 says, “But one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus”. Is this easy to do? Not at all but in order to survive and live a life that is somewhat ‘normal’ I have no choice. I just pray everyday for His strength, to be mine. And I have to believe that His promises are true.

Everyday I am plagued with my illness, it’s a never ending battle. Would I like to be healed of this illness? Of course I would, there’s nothing I would like more (except for Lauren’s healing). But that’s not God’s will right now for Lauren or me. Does that make me angry, discouraged and question God? Yes it does! But so did the apostle Paul, he pleaded with God to remove his ‘thorn in the flesh’. But God said, ‘no’. He does assure us though of His grace and strength in our sickness and infirmities. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, ‘And He (God) said to me (Paul), ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me’. ‘For when I am weak, then I am strong’. The dictionary definition of infirmity is ‘a physical or mental weakness’. I guess for me that would be my mental disorder, it’s what makes me feel weak but in reality because of this weakness, Christ’ power rests upon me and therefore I am strong. What an amazing encouragement for those of us who feel weak, beaten down and broken. Our strength is renewed daily through Him who died for us.

So on those days when I feel like a nobody, worthless, hopeless and good for nothing; I am forever reminded of God’s love for me. I don’t measure myself anymore by Society’s standards because if I do, I will surely fail and never measure up. But God loves me just as I am, Jeremiah 31:3 ” I have loved you, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself”. On those days when I don’t love myself, God reminds me that I am His and He loves me with an unconditional, everlasting love. Roman’s 8:38-39 reminds me every day; “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

Today we have to take Lauren back to the Janeway for her post surgery check up. Here we have our five years old little girl lying in bed with a body cast (for the third time). Does that give me cause to be angry, sad, to question? Yes, of course it does, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. I bring her to the Lord in prayer for healing, but that healing never comes. Is that cause to be upset and question God? In my human weakness, yes it is. But I know that God is much greater than I am and He knows what He’s doing, He knows what’s best, even when I feel lost and helpless; He’s still in control. And I have to learn to take it one day at a time and to trust in Him fully. Lauren is in His hands, whatever the future holds; we are all IN HIS HANDS.

Whatever this day may bring, I know I am not alone. My strength comes from Him and Him alone. So be encouraged today; God loves you; you’re IN HIS HANDS!

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The Search For The True Me

Please click on the link below or copy and paste in your URL to read another sad story of a young pastor  who lost his life by suicide. https://www.facebook.com/566080522/posts/10160895596230523/

I cannot stop from exposing mental illness, the urgency and desperation that is felt throughout the world, is ever rising. Never before have we lived in a world/society that is so highly stressed; the expectations that are placed upon individuals are overwhelming, the pressure to be the perfect husband, father, wife, mother, professional and provider are just beyond being realistic. We live in a fantasy environment, where we have unrealistic goals set for ourselves by society. WE have sat ourselves up for failure. We are not perfect and we do not live a perfect life, so lets stop pretending! The facebook cookie cutter lifestyle is the pressure cooker for developing poor mental health and self worth. Where will it all end?

Sadly, many who feel they cannot cope with the expectations of  society, the pressures of life and mental illness; turn to desperate measures; drug abuse,  alcohol abuse, suicide and  anything that will kill the hurt and heal the pain. And we wonder why we have a drug problem on our hands, we need not wonder. Our need and drive to be happy, for some can only be found outside themselves. If we are looking and searching outwardly we are setting ourselves up for a big let down. Happiness cannot be found in anything outside ourselves.

But how do we find happiness within ourselves; when all we feel is sadness, emptiness, loneliness, worthlessness and the list can goes on? To begin with; we are not our thoughts or another way of looking at it is, we are not our minds. There is more to me then my mind and my thoughts. I am a being, a living soul, a spiritual being. That part of our being that exist deep, deep down inside us. It’s not an organ of the body but its our Being. Because a thought enters my mind, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is real or true. Many times our thought are distorted and untrue; so we cannot always listen to our thoughts and let them define us.

We find happiness within us by releasing our past, letting it go; no matter how painful. If we hold onto the past we will never heal, we will never move forward. Letting go basically means giving it over to a spiritual power, someone bigger, someone all knowing. Letting Him bear the weight. We don’t have to carry it anymore. 1 Peter 5:7 says, ‘Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you.’ And when we do, it’s like a heavy load that we’ve been carrying is lifted.                                                                                                                                                                         Not only do we need to release the past but we also have to give Him(God)  our future. We have no control over what the future holds but we can trust that He will take care of that for us as well. Surrendering our past and future to Him doesn’t come easily or instantaneously; it will take time and practice. We have to learn to trust in Him and all will be well. Matthew 6:25 says, ‘Take no thought for tomorrow(don’t worry); for tomorrow shall take thought for the things of itself.’ Once we learn to surrender both past and future to Him, then our mental health and spiritual health will flourish.

The greatest lesson I’ve learned in regarding my mental health is, living in the moment, some call it mindfulness. The moment is all we have, the past is gone and the future is not ours to own. This requires taking control of our thoughts; our thoughts will travel both to the past and to the future. But it’s here we have the power within ourselves to control these thoughts. When we travel in either direction we have to bring our thoughts back to the moment; to the here and now. It’s in this moment we will find peace, happiness, joy and contentment; no matter what our past and no matter what the future, we can find happiness right in this moment.

So if you are hurting today, if you are tired from trying to be okay, if life’s expectations have become overwhelming, if you feel you just don’t measure up, if you have an addiction that is out of control and destroying your life, if your past is too painful to go on and your future seems hopeless; don’t give up!  I don’t claim to have all the answers, I don’t, but I do know that with time and God; you can do this. Believe in yourself, you are worth it! I won’t pretend this will be an easy road but you are not alone.

Each of us were put here for a reason, there is a purpose and we will find it. Mine did not come with twenty- eight years of being a business owner but mine came with a lifetime of suffering with a mental illness (major depression and anxiety). Being a business owner was not my purpose in life, it was my job, it did not define who I was on the inside. But now I feel my purpose is to tell others that they can survive and live with a mental illness because I am living proof. I can speak from my heart, from my soul, from my innermost being because I have lived the horror and I can tell you there is hope, there is happiness, there is joy; in spite of it all.

This is an amazing song that  has brought  me much hope!  May you find encouragement, hope and strength in the words and music!

 

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8 Things That Plague My Life Because Of Mental Illness

Mental illness, like any other illness, brings with it many changes and things that we have to cope with on a day to day basis. We have to take these changes and learn to live with them and not allow them to consume our every moment. If at all possible, we have to accept them and realize that no matter what happens we can live, in spite of everything.

  1. Completing a task that once seemed so simple. Most simple task that we all perform on a daily basis, we don’t even think about; we just do them.  Driving on the highway (something I haven’t done for 6 years now) the fear itself paralyzes me. Every task that I perform I will now replay over and over in my mind.
  2. Being unable to work. “Not working, I do not work, I cannot work.” Now that makes me angry; I worked for 28 years and loved it (most times). It now makes me feel so worthless. I wish I could, there’s nothing I need more, both for my mental health and for the income that we so desperately need. It seems so simple but for me it seems impossible. 
  3. Fatigue! Whether from my medication, mental fatigue or just plain exhaustion from fighting to be okay. Tiredness is an everyday occurrence that controls what you can or can’t do in  your day.
  4. Isolating! Days when you feel like hiding away or not coming out of your bedroom (but that’s not an option for me). Sometimes you just want to hide “YOU” from the world or vice versa
  5. .’Zoning Out’. I’ll just kind of withdraw from a conversation I was holding and zone out, unblinking, staring blankly at nothing. Maybe sitting in a room of people and totally separating yourself from everyone and everything in the room and creating your space in your mind.
  6. Sighing!  Everyone thinks I’m angry or frustrated all of the time, when really I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed. And sighing is just a release of negative energy.
  7. Losing my “Train of Thought”. I can lose my train of thought mid-sentence and often forget very common words. My mind just goes blank and I fumble for the word. Many times I have to be reminded of where I was and what I was talking about. This could be both frustrating and humiliating.
  8. Memory! I believe we can all forget things at one time or another. But for me there are blocks of my life that I forgot. Details that I can never recall. A song that once I probably knew every word; I now have to trust to writing the words on paper because I cannot depend on my memory anymore. Maybe it’s best I do not remember some things, maybe I don’t remember for a reason.

These are just a few things that my illness as plagued my life with, there are many more. But I have tried, to the best of my ability, to live above my illness. It’s one moment, one hour and one day at a time; it’s what we have. We cannot live in the past, we cannot dwell on the future but we can live for the moment!