Category: Mental Illness

Depression, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. And my story; “A Broken Mind”

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If You Just Wait And See

It’s that time of year when God takes out His paintbrush and paints the most beautiful, vibrant colors of Fall. It’s even difficult for a picture or painting to even capture the real beauty that He as created. It’s best viewed with the naked eye, the beauty of nature in it’s purist form. Some may look at Fall as a season of dying; the leaves are fading, they fall and they die. But without this season of dying, we would not experience the season of new life, new beginnings, new growth; Spring. Just as there are four seasons; Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer, in our yearly cycle. There are many seasons of our life; birth, new life, death, dying, happy, sad. But all make up the cycle of life and we all experience each one at some point in our lives.

Having a mental illness (Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder) sometimes feels like you are stuck in one season of your life forever and that season doesn’t change. The season of sadness, grief, loss, hopelessness and despair. It’s a season of nearly complete darkness, there’s very little light, the sun seldom shines and when it does, it is filtered by the clouds. I have experienced this season many times in my life and most days I have to fight to find the light, fight to see the sunshine, just fight, fight every day.

Most days my only reprieve or escape is sleep. But even then, my sleep is so disturbed that it’s like I’m not sleeping at all and I awake exhausted. This week as been one of my better weeks I’ve had in months. There’s been mornings when I awake and I realize that I slept fairly well and that awful dreaded feeling is not there. I feel ‘normal’ for the first time in months. I’m praying that God will give me more of these mornings. Mornings when I don’t have to force myself out of bed but mornings that I want to get out, there’s nothing I want anymore for myself then to just feel ‘normal’. When nothing is forced, it just comes naturally, life doesn’t appear to be impossible to live, the every day tasks of life doesn’t overwhelm me to a point of panic. That’s all I ask, nothing more.

I am so thankful today for the support that I have , some living far away, especially  my family who I know have always held me close to their hearts, even when we are separated by distance. And I know I’ve probably caused them so much worry and concern but that’s what  sickness does. And I can’t apologize for that because if I could take away this illness, I would in an heartbeat. And then there are friends that God as placed in my life, friends that I have not met by chance but by divine intervention. They have helped me through some very dark places and today I’m still here because of their support. My mental illness as strained my relationship with my wife and children. It can destroy the best of marriages and steal the best of times with your children. But I have worked so hard to be aware, to be conscious of the damaging effects this illness can have on us. So I have fought, with what I have and with all that is within me to be the best that I can be. And sometimes maybe I have fallen short, but it’s not because I haven’t tried and I’m sure all of us are guilty at times of not reaching the mark.

I was encouraged this morning by a message I received ( and I won’t mention any names, but you know who you are) and I won’t repeat the message because it was met for my ears. But I will share my response because I believe it came directly from my heart. It was a God moment! And my message said, “Thanks for your encouraging words. When you have lived a lifetime with a mental illness, It beats you down to a point where you feel you are nothing and can do nothing. But I KNOW that God doesn’t make nobodies, He makes somebodies! And I’m a somebody because of Him. And my talent is a gift from Him and I give Him all the praise and thanks. And I also thank Him because I have such supportive people in my life like you! Love you! And thanks!” When you have a mental illness it is imperative that you have a support system. It’s one illness that isolates you and makes you feel you are all alone in an overpopulated world. But with support and encouragement from family and friends, you can make it through any season of your life. I am living proof.

So no matter what season of life you may be in at this present moment; just know that seasons change, they do not last forever. If you are in the bitter cold of winter, spring is just around the corner; if you just wait and see!!

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One More Fight

Today I am in for the fight of my life. I knew before I opened my eyes that the darkness of depression was already settling in on my morning. Life had become more then I could handle it felt. I was depleted of my fight, my strength was nearly gone, my hope and faith waivered but I put my feet over the bed anyway. And stood like a toy soldier, preparing for battle. And that’s what life had become for me, a battle. A war to keep my mental health, a war against Lauren’s cerebral palsy, a war to keep my family together, a war against the harsh battles of every day life. I was worn down, I didn’t know how much longer my fuel and ammunition was going last. Would I be able to make it through another day, would I win this war one more time? Or would I fall beneath the load of it all? After all, I’m human, we all have a breaking point.

It was in 2012 that my last mental warfare began, a total mental and physical breakdown. It’s now 2019 and there are many days that depression devours my every being. Days when all I want to do is sleep (but can’t), days when the small everyday tasks seem so big that I have no clue how I’m going to be able to do it, times when I am so anxious that all I want to do is run, but run where? Days when my emotions are so out of control that I am frightened to death to go out in public; for fear of someone speaking to me and I would explode into a river of tears and drown in a lake of embarrassment. I thought by now my life would have gotten a little easier, my mental health improved (and it has to some degree), the troubles of life would have become fewer but in lots of ways they have become harder. Maybe it’s because every soldier gets tired of fighting, the battles just wear you down and you feel you have little fight left in you. Because every battle you fight, leaves you with a battle scar; weakened, tired, exhausted and bleeding. But you try desperately to hide those scars and pretend everything’s alright.

But oh the inward pain you cannot see, the scars beneath your tired flesh. If but for one moment you could look inside; the brokenness you would see. So be kind, gentle, non-judgemental and compassionate to those you meet, because you can’t see the pain they bear. Most days you may look at me and think that everything is okay but inside I may be dying; never judge a book by it’s cover. Even today as I sit at Robin’s with my thoughts, pen, paper and my coffee; I may appear fine. When in reality I’m trying to hold the pieces together.

Years have gone by, every day begins the same dreaded routine of just trying to be okay. Trying to pretend I’m okay, just to meet others expectations of me. I want to be well more then anything, I want this constant torment to end. But how do I make it go away? I have done everything humanly possible that I know and still this cloud of despair hangs over me and there’s nowhere I can go to escape it’s presence. I realize my diagnosis is a chronic one, meaning ‘persisting for a long time or constantly recurring’ (definition by Google). I wonder does a ‘long time’ mean a lifetime, because that’s what it’s been for me. I just pray that God gives me the strength and endurance to keep going, because right now I feel like I can’t fight anymore. How much fighting can one do before they reach a point where they can’t do it anymore?

That thought scares me to death! But I can’t give in, I can’t give up, I will trust even if it’s blind trust. I will have faith that things will get better, even if it’s borrowed faith. I will not loose hope, even when I fall, even when I feel I can’t fight anymore, I will fight! God help me and God help those who are travelling this same hellish road. May we stay strong, hold on to faith, get up when we fall, trust in God when we cannot see, hope when we have nothing left. Tomorrow will be better. I BELIEVE!

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What Others Can’t See

This isn’t the way it was suppose to be. This isn’t what I had anticipated my life to be today. This wasn’t the plan; so far from what I had thought. Never did I think my mental illness would be so controlling, so disabling, so crippling. I awake and wonder, ‘how am I going to do this again?’ My eyes just opened and I’m in panic mode already, exhausted and my day as not even begun. My inner voice calls out to God, ‘Okay God, let’s do this because if you don’t, I can’t.’ So I throw my feet over the bed and hope for the best. Hope that just maybe, this might be a good day, a better day.

This is exactly how someone who is struggling with chronic depression feels; it doesn’t go away. Even on a good day it’s still lurking in the shadows of your subconscious mind.

It’s a beautiful Fall Saturday morning. The leaves on the trees have just started to fade to the most vibrant, radiant colors that Fall brings. I think to myself; a beautiful day to harvest the small but abundant vegetable garden we had planted in early spring. A day to reap the benefits of our labor. Time to get my hands dirty with the soil of Mother Earth, rather then covered in paint from my time of splattering different mediums on an artist canvas. So today is going to be a good day, if good intentions, fight and drive have anything to do with it. But deep inside I know the difference; for this chronic depressed soul would have to endure that unending feeling of sadness, hopelessness, fear of surviving another day and the question, ‘Would I survive another?’ Fatigue was already scratching at my minds door; trying to get in.

I had to franticly remind myself of what I had planned to do today and nothing was going to stop me. So I had to push aside those thoughts and remind the kids and Lisa that it was harvest time. Time to get those potatoes and carrots especially, out of the ground. And so we start digging, everyone in awe of what we had accomplished and what was coming out of the ground would be our winter supply of vegetables; I don’t think so! It wouldn’t be long before we’d be headed to the nearest produce department of our local grocery store. But I guess it wasn’t  all about the quantity but the fun we had in the process. The kids just loved it and that made me happy, no matter what my brain was telling me. Our cameras (iPhones) clicked multiple pictures of our first family harvest; it was an hit! And we had the proof; the pictures we had captured. Looking at the pictures, you could not buy the more perfect ‘Fall Family Harvest.’

But does a picture always tell a thousand words? In this case, no! For hidden behind my farmer façade; deep down inside my mind, was an hurting, painful, struggling, faltering soul. Wanting nothing more then to be at peace, just to enjoy what I was doing in the moment. But no, it was still there; hidden behind the pictures, the camera could not see or capture the war within.

Just recently I read an article by Awareness Act, called; ’15 Habits of People With Concealed Depression.’ I thoroughly related to many of these habits and find myself practicing them even today. Although I blog and talk openly about my depression; I don’t go around with DEPRESSION written on my forehead for all to see. No, when I am in public I have mastered the art of concealing my depression. People may look at me and think, ‘Wow, what I wouldn’t give to have his life.’ Everything may look great on the outside but on the inside I could be dying. Fighting a war that never seems to end.

I would just like to elaborate on a few of these ‘habits’ that relate to ‘my’ depression. One of these would be; ‘people with concealed depression are often quite talented and very expressive.’ I’m quoting, ‘These people are able to bring something beautiful out of the darkness that consumes them.’ And every day that as been my goal, through my writing and painting; is to bring something beautiful out of all this suffering and darkness.

Secondly, ‘They tend to search for purpose.’ My life is filled with searching; there as to be a reason and a purpose for all this hidden depression that lies deep within, it cannot all be in vain. And I believe it as opened a door whereby I can be an advocate for mental illness. And because I have personally suffered with this horrible illness for all my life, I have gained knowledge, experience and a compassion that I would have never received had I not suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks myself. It is my belief that the only people that truly understand and ‘get it’, are those who have suffered this illness themselves.

Thirdly, in order to feel better or to try to have a ‘good’ day requires a lot of effort; it doesn’t just come naturally, unlike most people. Every day that I put my feet over the bed, to get up in the morning, requires effort and fight. But I do it!

People suffering from depression learn to fake moods. They will often come across as happy and ‘normal’ on the outside because they don’t want to bring others down. So we fake it!

And lastly I’d like to elaborate on the fact that we have trouble shutting off our brains, they are constantly in motion; much like an hamster on a spinning wheel, always moving but going no where. Sometimes I wish I had an on/off switch but that’s not the way it is. Learning to slow down my thoughts and to stay in the moment is one of the best practices I have found to find a little relief. And due to this constant turmoil; it leaves you with unending fatigue, mentally drained, irritable and a shortness of patience. Mental fatigue can some days just leave you lifeless.

Robin Williams, well known actor and comedian, was a man who suffered immensely with concealed depression. He was one of my favorite actors and never in a million years would I have thought that he suffered from depression. But the façade awarded him many awards in his industry and the picture he painted certainly wasn’t a one of darkness and depression.

So, a picture doesn’t always tell a thousand words. Many times what we cannot see is much greater then what we can see. So never judge a book by it’s cover; for hidden in the pages lie the many hurts, the pain and the sadness of depression. Sometimes what others can’t see, is what hurts the most. So if you are hurting today, and you are suffering alone and in silence; know this, you are not alone. If you have no one to talk to, I am here, I understand, I care, I love you! Feel free to private message me, I may not have the answers but I ‘get it’.

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ASHAMED

It’s been weeks and I have written nothing. Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t. I couldn’t lift that pen and start letting my pain flow onto the paper. I was ashamed of how I was feeling, ashamed that my depression swept over me like constant grief. I was like someone grieving over death and my grief was not getting any easier. So rather then writing about my depression/grief, I tried to hide it on the inside. I had shared my illness in countless blogs before and here I  am years later and still struggling. I was ashamed, ashamed that I can’t beat this beast within my prisoned mind. But then I realized, that’s why I have to write, to enlighten those reading, just what living with depression is like. It’s not always something that is here today and gone tomorrow. No, mine as lasted a lifetime. A lifetime of fighting, a lifetime of being ashamed.

I have had moments when I thought that shame was gone, times when I felt I had nothing to be ashamed of. But depression is not that forgiving, it will remind me over and over again. It will remind me until it as me beaten down so far, that all I want to do is hide it and suffer in silence. Well, once again here I am, fighting back! Fighting back with the little bit of fight that I have left in me.

My very good friend reminded me of just how brave someone is, that is fighting a mental illness. It’s in the words of this poem by Lana Rafaela;

I Think It’s Brave

I think it’s brave that you get up

in the morning even if your soul is weary

and your bones ache for a rest.

I think it’s brave that you keep on living

even if you don’t know how to anymore.

I think it’s brave that you push

away the waves rolling in every day

and you decide to fight.

I know there are days when you

feel like giving up but I think it’s brave

that you never do.

But there are some moments when I do give up. Moments when I just can’t fight anymore. Moments when hidden away behind closed doors; I just loose it and cry out to God, ‘I just can’t do this anymore’. I guess in some way, God reaches down and pulls me to my feet and says, ‘Now go fight, I am with you.’ And I do!

It seems the headlines almost everyday is filled with issues pertaining to mental illness. One such headline I read recently stated, ‘Pastor and Mental Health Advocate Jarrid Wilson Dies by Suicide’. (Notice they didn’t say, ‘committed suicide’, committed implies you performed an illegal act, for instance; you commit murder). Jarrid suffered from depression and often posted on social media about his own battles with the mental illness. His wife posted on Instagram; ‘ No more pain, my Jerry, no more struggle. You are made complete and you are finally free’. Prior to his passing he wrote a post encouraging followers to remember that even though loving Jesus doesn’t cure illnesses such as depression, PTSD or anxiety, Jesus does offer companionship and comfort. He confides that he had dealt with ‘severe depression throughout most of his life and contemplated suicide on multiple occasions.’ In his summer blog post, Jarrid challenged the idea some Christians have that those who die by suicide are condemned to hell.’

I’m quoting from an article published by Christianity Today. ‘Christians wouldn’t tell someone with a physical illness like cancer they are going to hell because of their diagnosis, he noted. Neither should they assume it of people with mental illnesses, which can lead many people to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do if they didn’t struggle.’

“Those who say suicide automatically leads to hell obviously don’t understand the totality of mental health issues in today’s world, let alone understand the basic theology behind compassion and God’s all consuming grace,’ he said.

We must do better at educating people on things they have a hard time wrapping their heads around. And mental health is definitely a topic  Christians around the world must yearn to better understand.’ It’s then we will be less quick to judge and swifter to be the arms of Jesus, showing compassion and tenderness without prejudice.

I am so thankful for the gift that God as bestowed upon me to be a mental health advocate. Having a first hand experience with mental illness myself has given me the drive, the passion, the compassion, the determination to break down the walls of stigma and judgement that is still so prevalent in our world today. This gift as not come without its consequences, misconceptions, losses, misunderstandings, isolation and hurts. But I believe that’s what Jesus was referring to when He said, ‘If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23).’ To follow Jesus was going to cost us something; the cross was not going to be easy to carry. This was not going to be a road of ease, feel good or prosperity path.

And so today I am still struggling, I still hurt, I still feel pain, I still have days that I can’t go on but I do. And for those of you who know exactly what I’m talking about; I pray for God’s grace and healing for all of us. Let’s go on, we can do this!

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Just As I Am

Please listen to this well known song as sung by Alan Jackson; “Just AS I Am”. It will give you a better understanding of this blog and draw you a little closer to ‘the Lamb of God’.

I have been days now struggling through my depression and anxiety. The pain and hurt I feel is no different then if I had a physical illness. The constant chronic pain that I feel, never goes away. I write about my illness to educate others, to help end the stigma and to show others they are not alone. And what they are feeling is real!

The brighter the sun shines, the darker the shadows that fall on my path. The more beautiful the days are, the more angry I am with myself because I should be feeling happy and enjoying the summer season that is swiftly passing us by. I’m telling myself to enjoy every moment, because life can change in a second. But my body and mind are not listening, my brain is in a fog, my concentration is interrupted, my thinking process is distorted to the point of finding it difficult to process the simplest thought.

My writing, which in the past I used for therapy, is now a seemingly impossible task. It seems I can’t put two words together, let alone two sentences. This first page ended up in the trash container. But then I knew if I didn’t retrieve it, it would be like giving in to this illness. And I couldn’t let that happen, so I searched through the debris to find that sheet of paper containing my helpless thoughts.

That sheet of paper represented my tormented mind, I just wanted to throw it away and start with a new slate. But that’s not the way a mental illness works, you just can’t turn it on or off, you can’t change it just because you want it to change. It won’t go away with wishful thinking or by keeping busy.

My painting has also been a form of  therapy, which as helped immensely over the past few months. Mental illness as been something that I have desperately tried to describe through my writing and have tried to paint a picture that could come even just a little close to what having a mental illness feels like.  But pen, nor paintbrush have not even come close to describing what this monster as done to me and my family.

I have written over one hundred blogs on mental illness in hopes that I could just break through that wall of stigma that is still so prevalent in our society today. Maybe I might be fighting a loosing battle, which sometimes I believe, but I have to fight, I can’t give up. And maybe one day,  just one day, mental illness will be looked upon as just that, an illness that requires medical attention and support. And one day, maybe just one day, those who suffer won’t suffer in shame, silence or isolation. And one day, maybe just one day there will be no disconnection between a physical illness or a mental illness, for we already know that the mind and body are one.

I’m assuming that people must be tired of reading my blogs concerning my mental health. But I say politely to these people, to just delete me from your social media contacts and I would not be the least bit offended. You see, I don’t write for people with ‘perfect’ mental health, I write for myself and for those who are struggling everyday to fight this non-ending war with their own mental health. And I can totally understand how some may interpret my writing and misjudge, not understand or assume to have all the right answers for my ‘condition’, when in reality they fail to ‘get it’. To be honest, ‘I don’t get it all the time’, I don’t understand it all the time, I have to question ‘why’ sometimes. So how can I expect someone who has never experienced a mental illness to fully ‘get it’, when I don’t ‘get it’ myself. Mental illness is the only illness I know that is so misunderstood; any other illness is just accepted and respected as just  that; an illness; with no stigma attached.

Depression as pretty much destroyed my confidence, my self worth, altered my personality, beaten me down to where I feel useless, incompetent, worthless, hopeless, weak, good for nothing and I could keep going. It as imprisoned me into my own mind and I cannot escape. It as the power to destroy everything in my life. But this week while trying to escape the prison of my own mind, I was reminded of the words of the song which says, ‘Just as I am, though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt; fightings within, and fears without. O Lamb of God, I come, I come! Wow, those words were what I was searching for to describe my illness, those words that could paint the perfect picture in your mind of what it’s like to live in this prison. But it doesn’t leave me there, it directs me to the only one who could guide me through this pain; the Lamb of God! And all I had to do was; Come!

The more I thought about the words of that song, the more I was convinced that whoever the writer was, had suffered depression, anxiety and pain. They knew how I am feeling. They experienced it for themselves. My search led me to the author; Charlotte Elliott. At the age of 32, she suffered from a serious illness that left her disabled for the rest of her life. Although sometimes depressed by her condition, she always felt renewed by the assurance of salvation. Charlotte wrote the song, ‘Just As I Am, Without One Plea’ in 1834. Though depressed with feelings of uselessness and loneliness she was able to write this song in spite of her feelings. In verse 4 of that song she pins the words, ‘healing of the mind’. Implying to me that she longed to be free of the prison in her mind. And to do that she had to come (‘I Come’) to the Lamb of God.

So tonight as I am left here alone with my thoughts, my depression, my uselessness, my loneliness, my fear of the unknown. I softly sing the words to verse 6; ‘Just as I am (broken, tired, weak), Thy love unknown, Has broken every barrier down; now to be Thine, yea, Thine alone, O Lamb of God, I come, I Come !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Finding Me

What happens when you think what was only going to last a few months, last for years? Or let’s go a little further and say, last a lifetime? A constant presence that made it’s home in the recesses of your mind. A presence that sometimes didn’t manifest itself openly but just lingered in my subconscious mind. And then other times it would explode into a volcano of hot molten lava. Taking control of my mind and body and rendering me disabled to a point of non-functioning. And to this day, I still live with the uneasy, unexpected, uncontrollable manifestations of my ugly, ever present disorder of a mental illness.

It’s morning, the beautiful sunshine peaks through the slats of the blind that’s trying desperately to block out the brightness of the beams of light that are piercing the window panes. But as I lie there in bed for just that second, long enough to open my eyes, I realize I have to jump out and let that brightness enter my darkened world. Just maybe it will not only pierce the darkness of the room, but the darkness that fills my being. My depression acts as a blind to my brain; it blocks out any light that is so desperately trying to get in. I pray I could just pull a chord, like I just done to the blind of our window, and the darkness would go away. But with my illness, especially in the morning, I struggle, no matter how bright the sun is shining, a veil, a darkness overshadows my thoughts. The fear of just getting out of bed overwhelms me, I don’t let it stop me because if I did I would be giving into it’s power over me. So I push myself through the opening of the bedroom door and face my day with an heavy heart and a debilitating anxiousness.

There is nothing in this world that I want any more , then to feel the joy and peace that I once knew before this illness captured me in it’s grips and literally sucked the life from me. Happiness, joy, peace doesn’t come naturally anymore, I have to desperately seek it out. I know it’s there, it’s all around me but my brain chemistry tells me differently . It steals my love for life, my energy, my drive, my patience, my endurance, it steals the ‘me’ that’s locked inside and just can’t escape.

I am tired, just plain tired, sick of this torment, sick of this thing I call life. The life that’s inside my head, that broken life, that life I long to escape. I know that ‘me’ that once I loved, the me that was so outgoing, fearless and strong; is still there somewhere, lost in the broken and tangled mess of my mind. I will keep searching, and maybe just one day, one day, I will find ‘me’ again.

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Going Outside The Will Of God

This is a quote I read the other day, sounds great when you don’t stop and think about it but when you do stop to think, it isn’t what you expect at all. The quote says, ‘If you knew how He (Jesus) can take away all that bitterness, that sorrow, that hurt, that depression, anxiety’.

To begin and I will state right from the beginning that I believe Jesus ‘can’ do all these things. But does Jesus do all these things? NO, He didn’t promise that if we came to Him all these things would be taken away. If that were the case we would have a sweeping revival flow over this earth. Who wouldn’t want to be free of all these things? I sure would. I have suffered depression and anxiety all my life. I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that God can do that. But does he always? No, that’s not the way it works. Jesus said in John 16:33, ‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble (there is no doubt about it; Christian/Non Christian, we will still have trouble, sickness, trials and hurts). ‘But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ He promised to never leave us, or forsake us, no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

Psalm 46:1 ‘God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (there will be trouble).

Romans 5:3-5 ‘But we glory in tribulations.

James 1: 2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials (bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression, anxiety) , know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

But God did promise that He would be with us in our trials; He didn’t promise to take them away. Isaiah 41:10 ‘So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Isaiah 43:2 (World English Bible) ‘When you pass through the water’s, I will be with you: and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will  not be burned, an flame will not scorch you.’ God did not say we will not have to pass through the waters, rivers, walk through fire. But He did promise to be with us.

To say that God takes away ‘all’ bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression and anxiety; is in my belief giving so many people false hope. And  making God out to be the ‘Genie in a bottle’. If we come to Christ it doesn’t make everything bad go away. Bad things still happen to good people. That statements also implies that if those things aren’t  taken away then there is something wrong with you the person, because Jesus is supposed to take away all that stuff. It is not our place to decide what God heals us from, that is His decision and yet there are so many who make themselves out to be God and speak for God, when that is not their place. God has a reason, a plan and purpose for everything and no one else can decide that for Him.

Because I still struggle with depression and anxiety doesn’t mean that God is not a big part of my life. It’s His ever abiding presence that have brought me thus far and WILL lead me on. And for somebody to even suggest otherwise hasn’t struggled with a mental illness or hasn’t had a child in a wheelchair. I will not tell my child that Jesus is going to make her walk, when I don’t know that, it may be in God’s will that Lauren remain in that wheelchair but I do know that God will never leave her alone in that wheelchair and He has great plans for her life, whether she’s walking or not. I may struggle with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life and if that’s what HE decides; I have no choice but to fully trust in Him. It’s not only about trusting God in the good times (that’s so easy) but it’s also about trusting Him in the bad times, that’s when your faith is really tested. And I can honestly say, ‘I still trust Jesus!’ Despite everything, I still trust Him. If those all knowing Christians just walked a mile in my shoes, would they be so quick to judge, condemn and shun. Jesus may have all the answers but I think sometimes they may not be the answers we were expecting.

I just pray daily for His strength, grace, mercy and wisdom to ‘know’ (I may not always feel, but I don’t live by feelings but by faith) that we are in the will of God. And at times, being in the will of God is not always the easy path but God WILL  provide strength that we need to pass through the waters, through the rivers and to walk through the fire.

 

 

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“Battered n’ Worn”

I have recently completed a painting called, ‘Battered n’ Worn’ (view on my Facebook Page: ‘Harris’ Artistic Designs’). It depicts a scene of an old, weather beaten shed and an overturned ‘punt’ that had seen better days. And the boisterous sea just uncaringly raging in the background. While I was engrossed in the actual painting of the scene itself, I really didn’t give much thought to what I would name the painting or what the painting was actually trying to say to me; not until it was competed! And then I stepped back and viewed it from a distance, it really told the story of my life and how I was actually feeling right at that moment. I had painted my life and it was ‘Battered n’ Worn’.

I have fought this crippling, disabling sea of depression and anxiety for far too long and it was starting to show. That along with ALL of the other winds and weather, had left me battered and worn. I was and is feeling much like that deserted, weather beaten shed; ready to crumble if I had to withstand just one more storm. How much can one withstand before the storms of life just leave you battered and worn; before the shed can take no more and just eventually crumbles beneath the beatings of the storms of it’s life.

If the only battle I had to fight was for my mental health, then maybe I could withstand that. But when the storms of life, and they are many, come beating you down and the winds are taking you off your feet, the rain as saturated your skin, right to the bones. The cold, cold air as left you numb, the raging sea is pulling you down into it’s clutches and you are drowning, gasping, gasping, gasping for air.

But you cannot keep a good ma down, no matter what others may think or say about you; you forgive and move on. You get up and dust yourself off, and we have had to do this many a times, and keep moving on.

One such battle that we have fought and I believe now is the time to let the world know how Lauren was discriminated against by Skate Canada, Skate NL and the CBNSC. I will give them the benefit of the doubt that it may not have been intentional but as defined by Human Rights: ‘Intention to discriminate is not a requirement to a finding of discrimination’. The full story can be found on our website: www.harrislisa72.com called, ‘I Want To Skate Like ‘Bruddy”. But the story doesn’t end there. I filed a complaint with the Human Rights Commission and won the right to file a ‘formal complint’ against Skate Canada NL. This was no easy journey, filled with anxiety, fear and intimidation. You see, Skate Canada (on behalf of Skate NL and CBNSC) hired a lawyer to fight their battles (an intimidation tactic I’m sure, hoping we would back off, not a chance). I followed through with the Human Rights procedure in settling this injustice.

This is what we were offered to keep our mouths shut and not proceed any further. Sadly to say, we could not proceed any further because we did not have the money to obtain legal counsel of our own and I could not fight anymore. But this is what we were offered and I am quoting Skate Canada’s lawyer, ‘My client is prepared to pay the sum of $2000.00 in settlement of this matter. These funds would be paid in exchange for a release which acknowledges no admission of liability on the part of my client. A condition of the proposed settlement is a confidentiality agreement. This proposal would not see the provision of an apology on the part of my client’. Obviously we did not accept the ‘bribe’ and because we really could not pay for a lawyer, we had to withdraw the complaint.

Did we lose? Not at all. First of all we did pass the requirements and was awarded an ‘Official Complaint with the Human Rights Commission’. That was the first hurdle and we leaped that one, without any problem. We knew we had a legitimate complaint. And although we had no admission of guilt on either of the three clubs involved; we ourselves knew by their actions of hiring a lawyer and offering money for a confidentiality agreement, that we had won.

I write this because it is not Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy that we are fighting against but an everyday fight for her rights as an equal, inclusive and accepted little girl that needs to live a happy life, in spite of the injustices, the stigma, the unfairness and lack of compassion that is still prevalent in our so-called ‘Society’ today. And this is just one example of what we have to deal with on a day to day basis. And yet we have to stay strong because the challenges that come with Cerebral Palsy alone is enough to ‘break’ any man or woman!

So today as battered and worn has we may feel, we will fix up that old shed and polish ourselves off and lift our heads high and be proud parents, that want nothing more then for their children to have the best life possible; against all odds. And we will not give up the fight, we are going to brush ourselves off and start again. It’s not a choice, we have to do it, if we are going to survive the raging storms in our  lives!

 

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A Good Day

I was swiftly spiralling down a dark hole of despair. Loosing control as I was going down, down, down. Every indication that I was relapsing was steering me in the face. My sleeping pattern was interrupted, my appetite for food was dwindling, my emotions were crying out to me to help them stop. But I could not control them, the dam had broken and I was drowning. But worst of all, panic attacks had returned and was taking over my life. My greatest fear had come true; I was relapsing!

But was I willing and was I going to let this happen again? I fought this before and I will fight this war again. I was determined to stop this illness from escalating into a full blown breakdown. In the back of my mind I knew my options had pretty much ran out. Over the years I had tried everything to escape this living hell. But yet every day for the past eight years (not including a lifetime) I could not honestly say I had a ‘good’ day. I am not referring to my physical life but my life from within my mind. My mind was broken and I was trying desperately to fix it. I just wanted this hell to go away. But to even reach a functioning level, required hard, hard work. And today I have reached that level but staying there requires so much strength, courage and determination.

And there are so many every day triggers that would throw me into the grasps of my depression, anxiety and panic attacks. How was I going to defeat this monster? I have to use my past experiences to find my way out. And I knew the best place to start was my amazing family doctor. I wasted no time to get an appointment and before I knew it, I was sitting face to face with the man I knew could help me. I described to him the horrors of my panic attacks, how they awakened me from my already restless sleep. How I was afraid to be in a public place because a panic attack could strike without warning and wasn’t  just confined to my home life but could occur anywhere. And because of this, I was a prisoner, under house arrest.

I explained how I wasn’t living, just surviving and this was fair to no one. I was determined, this as to stop and I would do anything to make it stop. And being the compassionate doctor he is, he was determined to help me. His first plan of attack was to get my panic attacks under control. And this would require another drug, called buspirone. I have to admit, I wasn’t all that optimistic, given my track record. But I was willing to try and I did. To my amazement, six days later from taking this new drug, I have not had another panic attack since. I am being highly cautious and afraid to get my hopes up because of past drug failures but I have to believe that this one is working and will remain working.

I visited my scheduled psychologist appointment yesterday. And as I sat in his home based office, he politely asked how I was doing today? And I replied with, ‘I’m having a good day’. It seems like forever since I said those words, I really surprised myself when I said them. When you have a chronic illness, it’s not every day you can say, you’re having a good day. So now I’m just hoping to have more ‘good’ days, then bad days.

All of us I’m sure have good days and bad days. One thing we can be assured of and that is, it won’t rain always. And if we could just remember that on the bad days then we can make it through. I’m reminded of the song which says;

“Someone said that in each life some rain is bound to fall. And each one sheds his share of tears, And trouble troubles us all. But the hurt can’t hurt forever and the tears are sure to dry.

And it won’t rain always, the clouds will soon be gone. The sun that they’ve been hiding has been there all along. And it won’t rain always, God’s promises are true. The sun’s gonna shine in His own good time, and He will see you (and He will see me) through.”