Category: Mental Illness

Depression, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. And my story; “A Broken Mind”

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The Year I Died

In 2012 someone died. That someone was me. Something changed that year that I have fought to resurrect, fought to bring that person back to life; to resuscitate. It’s now 2020 and I’m still trying to find that person who died. My spirit died, my enthusiasm, my zest for life died. Some days are worse then others but this week as left me feeling numb, no motivation; I’m still missing me. And I don’t like the one that’s left behind.

The new me is in a constant struggle to survive. The fighting as left me exhausted, tired and numb. I find it so hard to feel happiness, especially since that’s all I want. I believe happiness is something you shouldn’t have to fight for but should come naturally. And after all these years I thought I would be at a much better place of improvement with my mental health. But it’s like I’m still fighting to keep me alive. Still fighting to resuscitate that lifeless me.

I remember back in 2012, my wife Lisa, described me as a ‘walking corpse’. I’m sure I’ve improved pass that acute stage but it’s been a battle I fought every day. How much can one person fight and how long can a person fight before they come to a breaking point? That’s the question I’ve asked myself during the pass few weeks.

This year as brought many challenges and obstacles for everyone. The worldwide Covid19 pandemic itself as added so much stress and anxiety to us all. But for us, those living with a mental illness, this pandemic as been a trigger and frightening experience and many have found it hard to cope. I’ve certainly had my moments that’s for sure. At times when my wife Lisa was hospitalized for three surgeries in less then a year. Then Lauren with her already comprised immune system was hospitalized for cerebral palsy related issues. And our son, Logan, was thrown around in all this chaos and turmoil; a strong but worried little boy, dealing with issues that no little boy should not have to face.

So in the midst of a world that was so frightening, unpredictable and isolated, I felt the pressure of having to survive. There were days I thought I would crumble but I knew I had to be resurrected to get through this yet another life changing crisis. I knew that if I crumbled we were doomed and I could not let it happen. I was reminded of the safety regulations repeated by a flight attendant on an airline prior to take off. And it was advice that I had to use during this very stressful time. The flight attendant would say, ‘In the event of a drop in cabin pressure; air masks will be released from above your heads. If you are travelling with infants, small children, seniors or anyone requiring assistance with their mask; put on your own mask FIRST!’ And that’s what I had to do, put on my own mask first and  then I would be equipped to help those that were in my care. I was resuscitated once again.

Maybe the year to come will be my year to be resurrected. The year I come back to life! For everyone’s sake, I need to return, I need to be there for my family, in every way. I pray for strength, wisdom and endurance to press on, to never give up. To live again!

 

 

 

 

 

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War of the Mind

It’s been months now since I have written a blog, July 25,2020 to be exact (www.harrislisa72.com). I just felt there was nothing else to say. Not sure if that meant I had written all I needed to write about mental illness or if my illness had built a roadblock in my mind. A wall that I could not break through, maybe more the latter.

I became a prisoner in my own mind. So many things that I found enjoyment in, things that were not just  hobbies for me but life saving therapy. I wanted so desperately to engage in again but I could not, although I yearned within me to be able. But I just could not. I felt myself spiralling down that dark hole of depression. But I knew I had to rescue myself from that crippling, disabling hole of  despair. But how? It felt that my thought process could not function to come up with a plan. I couldn’t write anymore, words could  not describe what I was  feeling. The one thing that brought me some healing therapy, I felt I couldn’t do anymore; blogging! And thus months went by and I didn’t blog my thoughts. I was frozen in time; speechless.

Everything seemed so overwhelming again. The things in reality that were so small to perform, now seemed like a mountain, a mountain I felt I just could not climb. Days went by and I fought to make each one matter. Some  days I did better then others. I was in survival mode. And survive I did, in spite of what my broken mind was telling me.

Many associate mental illness with weakness but I have learned over the years that people with a mental illness are some of the strongest people I know. I am strong (if I  weren’t, I would never survive this hellish disease of the mind) but I am tired. I’m tired of fighting just to be okay, something maybe that others know nothing about. But I know there are others out there that know and feel exactly what I’m saying.

We live in a world where we are expected to be happy and positive all the time. If we show our true self, our true feelings, then we are viewed as being different and strange. And of course this is where stigma, prejudice and discrimination comes in. But it’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared or anxious. Having these feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person’. It makes you human. So I guess I’m human after all because I have certainly dealt with all these feelings. Being depressed doesn’t mean you are negative, it means you are not okay, your ‘happy’ is just not there.

I won’t lie to you and tell you life is easy, it’s not. And when you have a mental illness, everything in life is intensified to the extreme. Just going to the grocery store requires so much mental energy, you have to push yourself out the door. Your mind is telling you; you can’t do this. But you know you have to because if you surrender to your thoughts then your illness will consume you. And you eventually would become ‘paralyzed’ and be forever controlled by your thoughts.

So let’s fight this battle together, we are not alone. You can do this, I can do this. Do I always win this war of the mind, of course not, I’m human. There are days when I have no choice but to give in. But there’s one thing I know, I will not give up! When those really rough days come, I remind myself that I can get through this; one second, one minute, one hour at a time. Remember to be kind to yourself, you are worth it and  so am I!

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A Little Nudge

Months, weeks, days have passed, like a feather in the wind; here one second, gone the next. It’s like I went in hiding and I guess in one way I did. I loss interest and motivation in everything, anything I did was forced. Mental illness raised it’s ugly head and held me in it’s grip and wouldn’t let me go.

I had a therapy plan, a plan that I created to help me through the days of depression and anxiety. It certainly wasn’t a cure but for the most part it worked or helped at least. With depression and anxiety, you don’t pick and choose what day or days you are not going to be well; it just happens! Some days are fairly good while others could be torturous. And then there are those times when you just shut down, as it were.

I painted for sanity sake but what brought me peace turned into turmoil. I couldn’t hold my brush and still can’t but I know I will again, when the time is right. But right now painting is just too overwhelming. Ironic isn’t it, what once brought me peace and enjoyment; now scares me to death. This is what I call; mental illness!

Another part of my homemade therapy plan was, I played two fictional characters; live on Facebook. I loved it, it was fun, I enjoyed making others laugh. And I believe it took all our minds off the dreaded pandemic of the corona virus, that had shut down our world. But then, just like a light went out, I couldn’t do it anymore. No matter how much I wanted to perform; I couldn’t. Depression destroys who you are and you have very little control over it. I fought everyday and still fighting to keep going. With this illness there is no rest for the weary; you are in a constant battle to have some form of normalcy. But some days I just don’t win; I trust.

And lastly, my therapy plan included writing my blog (www.harrislisa72.com). Today is the first time I’ve held my pen for weeks or maybe months. I had so much to say, so much hurt to release, so much discouragement to share but I could not! The pain I felt could not be written. But today I feel it’s time to write. There are so many that are hurting, in pain and feel alone. I just want to encourage you that you can get through whatever it is you are experiencing today.  Our pain and tribulations may be great but ‘God is Greater!’

Over the years of struggling with this illness, I’ve had many reasons to give up, to give in and just call it quits. But I have not, with God’s help. I’m reminded many days of Job’s wife in Job 2:9 when she said to Job after he had endured many afflictions, losses, tribulations. She said, ‘…curse God, and die.’ But Job’s reply was, no matter what he had to endure; he said, ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ So no matter what we are experiencing, no matter how long we’ve been afflicted; we still have to trust in Him. He will bring us through.

I believe that God could have healed me a thousand times over but He didn’t choose to. He has another plan, something I cannot see, but that’s what having trust is; placing my life in His hands, knowing that He is in control. Because God as allowed me to go on in my illness for years, I have reason to be angry, to feel abandoned, forsaken and to question God. But I know that I cannot feel this way, it would serve no purpose and destroy the faith that I do have.  So no matter what happens I will still trust in Him and I will endure onto the end.

Then to add fuel to the fire the worldwide pandemic, the corona virus or covid-19, invaded the world. Now I knew I was in real trouble, anyone suffering from mental illness, any major change could bring on a relapse or intensify, your already existing symptoms. Then came the guidelines by the NL Government to contain and stop the spread of this deadly virus. Some of these guidelines were the complete opposite of what I needed to help keep my mental health under control. The guidelines that bothered me the most was, ‘stay home’ limiting contact with others to my immediate household bubble. I know all of the guidelines were for my good but for me it brought on panic, fear  and isolation. And then there was social distancing, I love touch, hugging and here I was being told to keep my distance of six feet. This was rough and is still rough today because this nightmare is not over, no matter how much we think it is.

I pray my blogs are, an encouragement and a little nudge to go on. I know there are so many days that going on is the last thing we feel like doing. No matter what your pain is, no matter what you are going through; you got this! As tough as it is, you can do it!

 

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A Bad Day

The sound of morning whispers in my ears. I don’t want to hear it’s haunting sounds because I know before my eyes open that this is going to be a not so good day, in other words, a bad day! Lord, how can I cope with another mesmerizing day; exhaustion and fatigue weigh heavily on my whole being. Brain fog, envelopes my whole head and every thought as to pass through a cloud of dense fog. The fog distorts each thought and nothing makes sense. I’m going to have a bad day (that’s not speculating) and yet the day hasn’t  begun.

But maybe this once I’ll be wrong; I wish that were the case. But I know before my eyes open, what my day will be. It doesn’t matter if everything that happens today is positive and good; that will not change how I’m feeling. My mental illness dictates what the day will be. I have no real way to describe what this illness feels like because there are no words that can really do it justice. If you have read my blog at www.harrislisa72.com, you’ll know I have practically used every word in the English language to try and describe how this mental illness feels. And I may come close but it seems impossible to describe something that you cannot touch. Much like an artist trying to capture an evening sunset; but doing so with eyes closed.

It’s one of the most difficult things I have to do; to admit that I’m having a bad day. A bad day brings with it, much emotional distress, now for a fifty-five year  old man to admit that there is literally water/tears running from my eyes.,  takes courage and strength. I have no desire to do anything and what I do, takes much effort. And then there is the shame that comes with  having a bad day. Having to admit to others that you are having a not so good day, can be embarrassing and shameful. But it’s all part of the illness; it is what it is.;

The past several weeks have been horrible, a nightmare in itself. Something from a Stephen King horror movie. The world was introduced to ‘the virus’ that basically shut down the world. The outbreak originated in China and spread from there. As of March 13, 2020, there were nearly 148,000 cases globally and more than 81,000 cases in China, with cases in every continent except Antarctica. Scientists are continuing to study the virus and work on treatments, including a vaccine. The actual name of the virus is covid19 or coronavirus. All our lives have been turned upside down and forever changed. We had to learn a new language as it were; new words were introduced on a daily basis. Such terminology as; social distancing, self isolation, pandemic, asymptomatic (no symptoms),symptomatic (exhibiting symptoms), flattening the curve, bubble, double bubble, etc.. This one thing we know and that is, Covid19 is a pandemic that as touched us all, not just Canada, but the world. On May 7,2020 the total cases of covid19 in Canada was 63,895.

When you suffer from mental illness; any extra stress or change in your life, can trigger and bring to life  many symptoms of my illness. The pass few weeks have been no doubt, very challenging,  unpredictable and uncertain due to the coronavirus. It has certainly taken it’s toll on my mental health. For our protection against this virus, the  Government as implemented various guidelines to stop the spread of the virus. I know these guidelines are for our own good but for someone suffering from a mental illness, some of these restrictions are exactly what we have been told by our own physicians, not to do, in order to improve our own mental health. An example of this would be to ; stay home, self distancing and self isolation. To which I totally carry out, but it sure as played havoc on my mental well being. When trying to improve your mental health, isolation is not something we need. We are encouraged to be around people, to get out of the house as much as possible. But this virus as  kept us from doing just that and therefore it can increase our depression and anxiety. Virtual media helps but it certainly isn’t the same as human touch and personal interaction. But I totally understand that we have to follow the guidelines set out for us, in order to stop the spread of this pandemic.

It’s evening now, the darkness of the night wraps me like a warm, cozy blanket. Night is my friend, my time of reprieve, my escape. I have fought my battles of the day and survived. But this doesn’t happen without a price, fatigue and exhaustion leave me lifeless. Medication aids in closing my weary eyes and shutting down my tormented mind. I pray for peace and calm as I drift off into another world.

 

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No Explanation is Possible

Being an advocate for mental illness will surely never bring you; ‘Citizen of the Year Award.’ Quite the contrary really, it’s an illness that is not viewed as an ‘illness’ but to many, a weakness, a character flaw. But I want to bring the truth about this illness to light. It is my determination to break down the walls of stigma and ignorance, that surround mental illness. I do realize there are those who will never truly understand the full extent of this illness and that’s okay, but I write for those who know exactly what I’m talking about.

It seems like forever that I’ve been living with this illness, a lifetime. It’s strange how some view mental illness with a time limit attached. If you’re suffering from depression then in two or three months you’ll be better. Yes and for some that can be true; if that depression is diagnosed as mild. But what if you are “living with”, yes I mean everyday, a chronic, major, clinical depression; it doesn’t just go away. There’s nothing I would want more but its not a choice. Not unlike someone living with diabetes or some other chronic illness, we have to learn to live with and manage it’s symptoms on a daily basis. The illness comes with so much stigma, misunderstanding, misconceptions and ignorance and the only way to fight back is by speaking out. By speaking out, I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor! A quote by Alex Elle sums it up nicely; ‘You’re not a victim for sharing your story, you are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth and  raging courage.’ When I’m having a really bad day, that light is pretty dim (but it is still there), my warmth is fairly cool but not cold and my raging courage is dwindled to a faint spark (remember it only takes a spark to get a fire going). But do I give up? No, I keep going, no matter what. By not giving up, that is what makes me strong when I am weak, hopeful when I am hopeless, fearless when I am fearful and a strength that keeps going. And if I can do this, you can too! I believe in you!

Throughout the past years of my illness, I have openly shared every aspect of my mental illness through my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. If you would like to learn more about mental illness and gain a better understanding, become more educated on the topic and open your minds to this silent, stigmatized and misunderstood illness. Then please read my blogs on mental illness. This quote sums up what I’ve been trying to say, ‘For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.’ And that’s where I’ll leave it!

 

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I Pressed On!

A very dear friend sent me this post today which says, ‘If you rearrange the letters in Depression, you’ll get ; “I Pressed On”. Little did she know how desperately I needed to be reminded of that; ‘Your current situation is NOT your final destination.’ And then in her own words she wrote; ‘You have been pressing on! The rewards for you are just up ahead! Hugs. I believe this was no coincidence but God’s reminder to me that I will make it through this storm.

It’s been several weeks now and I have been pressing on, but barely. My depression, like any other illness, sometimes gets the better of me and I get so scared that this time I’m not going to make it. That my strength, my fuel is going to run out and just like a car; I cannot run on an empty tank. And to describe it best, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling; like I’m running on an empty tank. I have used up every ounce of strength, energy and will power that I have left. Today I awakened with panic, if you haven’t experienced what a panic attack is, then be thankful, very thankful. It paralyzes and disables every part of your body. But I know I can’t let it, so ‘I Press On’. I force my legs over the side of the bed and let my feet hit the floor. And the thoughts of facing another day of fighting this broken mind, so overwhelms me. Again I ask for God’s strength, wisdom and guidance for another day. And that He would be my fuel in my empty tank, that He would take the wheel of my life and steer me over the rough road ahead.

You see I have a disability; not a physical one that confines me to a wheelchair, like my darling Lauren, but a disability of my mind, a disability that confines me to my broken mind. Not trapped in a wheelchair but trapped inside my mind. A mind that is so fragile, that on the darkest days; I can only see sadness, hopelessness, helplessness and emptiness. But ‘I Press On’ and hope that tomorrow will be better.

Depression as become the epidemic of the century. The statistics speak for themselves. According to the Canadian Mental Health Association, 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental illness. And according to the World Health Organization, more then 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression. Close to 800,000 people die due to suicide every year. With statistics such as these, the stigma that is associated with mental illness should be greatly affected and reduced. No one is exempt from having a mental illness, no more then someone is exempt from having cancer. So let’s respect, be nonjudgmental and be kind to all persons and may we realize that tomorrow we could be suffering a mental illness.

If you are suffering today from a mental illness, let me assure you that you are not alone. And that there are people out there who really do care and do want to help. I encourage you today to stand tall, with your head held high, we have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, we have an ILLNESS called DEPRESSION. So let’s rearrange those letters and lets say, “I PRESSED ON!” We can do this, you can do this! I believe in YOU!

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The Silent Killer

I wouldn’t say that Winter is my most favourite time of the year. The freezing cold, slippery streets and sidewalks, back breaking shovelling of the snow and the claustrophobic confinement inside your home because of a monstrous snowstorm. None of which make for the ideal situation for someone suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I would call Winter, ‘One big trigger for mental illness.’ And then there’s the relentless hours of darkness, where daylight savings time is at it’s cruelest.  We require, as human beings, a certain amount of daylight each day in order to produce enough vitimin D, which  in turn increases our mood and helps combat anxiety and depression; that’s not always possible this time of the year.

But I’ve been doing fairly well and by fairly well, I don’t mean cured. But it’s been managable for the most part, with a lot of daily work; it certainly doesn’t  happen naturally. But at least I can function, to a certain degree. This functioning level recently was misinterpreted falsely by someone’s ignorance and boldness. When she stated in an email that I was more then capable of working and that I shouldn’t burden my family, friends and Community with the financial responsibility of Lauren’s needs. Our hearts were broken and torn that someone could be so cruel and insensitive.

In reality I have no obligation to explain the status of my health to the general public. Nor do I need public clearance for when I go back to work. I think this would be my doctor’s area of expertise and the public should keep their opinions and comments to themselves. It’s really sad that I feel the need to even justify my illness. I guess that’s why it’s sometimes referred to as the ‘hidden/silent killer.’ It’s an illness that you don’t always see on the outside. And when I go in public I’ve mastered how to act ‘normal’ despite an abnormal illness. The public will never see my worst days; it’s those days I hide; I isolate. But in the end , it lends significantly to the public’s misconceptions about the severity of my illness because just maybe what they are seeing and what the reality of my illness is, are two different things.

I’m telling this because it’s easy to judge a person’s well being on what you see; and you certainly cannot diagnose the severity of my illness or the wellness of my being by what you see. But when you see me, you aren’t seeing all of me. I write this because I want people to understand that when someone looks okay on the outside, certainly doesn’t mean that eveything is fine on the inside. Sometimes we are so quick to judge someone else and to dictate what we think is right for that person. But if we don’t walk in their shoes, we have no right to judge that person. So if we can’t say something nice about someone, it’s best to say nothing at all. And for a lot of people that is near impossibe to do. I have to live with this illness, every fighting day of my life; as does so many others who are fighting this battle called mental illness.

I believe (I know) we have been the topic of conversation around many supper tables. I have never experienced such cruelty, gossip and backbiting in all my life.  And the topic of conversation being our fundraising efforts in order to give our six years old little girl, who has cerebral palsy, and who’s needs far outway the needs of a ‘normal’ child. We were told we were a burden to others and society. It’s attacks like this that make it near impossible for us to live a normal life. Life is hard enough as it is while trying to raise a child with a disability, 24/7 365days a year and no government funding. But then to have to deal with such cruelty, added stress and humilitation is beyond humane.

But we will move forward, with courage, strength and hope; despite adversity, hatred and insensitivety. We are so grateful for those in our lives who support us with their love, compassion and encouragement. It’s those people that help us each day to put one foot in front of the other, without them we could not survive. I am sorry that I have to write such a disturbing blog but I feel exposure is the best and only remedy.

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He Sees The Sparrow Fall

This is my testimony to the power of God in my life. We have just experienced one of the most evil attacks of satan that I have ever experienced in all my life. It left us beaten down, defeated and broken. I am not going to get into all the ugly details of what we encountered, God will take care of all those concerned and His Holy Spirit will convict and trouble those responsible.

I cannot stop, nor help what someone thinks of me. I have so desperately tried to fit in and be the best that I can be. But you see, I’m not perfect, I have made so many mistakes, but I try my best with what I have. I have been judged, backstabbed, the topic of many conversations behind my back and stigmatized because of my mental illness. But I learned something this week, all of that really doesn’t matter. No matter what I do I will never meet up to someone else’s expectation of me. And no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I’ve been told  I should be working. And yes that  is true, there’s nothing I would rather be doing and for 28 years I worked and owned my own business and loved it. And eight years ago I was told by my doctors that I would never work again. To which I thought was crazy, I’m going to get better I thought. But you know, eight years later and I’m still fighting my mental illness. Fighting to just make it through the day. Fighting to be just okay, fighting to just functin and survive each day as best I can. And take it one day at a time and no more. Yes, you may look at me and judge me from what you see on the outside and yes I probaly look fine but a mental illness is not always visible on the outside and mental illnss can only be seen and felt on the inside. So before you give me my clearance to go back to work, you better have a Phd after your name. I thank God that I am as well as what I am because having a child with a disability  requires, not a 9-5 day job but a 24/7, 365 days a year, full time job. So if you want to judge me, backbite about me-and slander me; I will ask you first to please walk a day in my shoes, in our shoes and then you just MIGHT understand why and how we do what we have to do.

But I prayed and never gave up and last night God intervened. He had to, we were dying and no where to turn. But God is faithful and He was about to show me. All my plans for what I wanted to paint were destroyed, they would never be painted. But God had other plans and yes, God can speak through art if we would just open our eyes. His message came to me loud and clear. Man may think they can destroy you, but God had other plans. So if you have a problem with me, take it up with Him. Because I have tried and I can’t do this myself; I gave it all to Him. I can trust Jesus when life seems like it’s falling apart. So yesterday I got up the courage to go to my art studio and I sat and poured my heart out to God; He was listening and He was watching. And I started on the road that He was leading. He showed me what I  needed to paint and gave me the name of my painting; ‘He Sees The Sparrows Fall’. It’s a painting of two sparrows perched on an outside window ledge, safe and secure. The painting isn’t complete yet but keep following for its unveiling will soon be here.

That night I left my art studio and I felt the presence of God, something I haven’t felt so strongly in a long time. And the words of a song came to me,  but I couldn’t remember the name of  the song, all I could remember was those few words. So I googled the words that I did know and found the song that God had for me and my family and He confirmed to me that He was going to take care of us. I found the song on Youtube and played it; the song is called, ‘I Can Trust Jesus.’ And the first two lines of that song blew my mind!  They are; ‘God picked up a SPARROW that could no  longer fly. He brushed off it’s wounds and then watched it soar into the sky.’ With tears streaming down my face (I reminded myself of being like my Dad), I knew this was no coincidence but the hand of God. The song and my painting were of a sparrow; it confirmed and reminded me that it’s going to be okay, we were going to be okay. And no one was going to seperate us from the love of God. I was again reminded of the verse in the bible that says, (Matthew 10: 29-31) ‘Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.’

So today my heart is filled with gratitude for His presence and protection in our lives. For without Him, I can do nothing. I knew while we were in this storm, that there was only one answer and it was God and God alone that was going to calm this storm. Or if not , we were surely going to drown. I know so many of you today are going through circumstnces, sickness, loss, trials and tribulations that you feel you will never survive and think there are no answers to. But I’m here to remind you that, ‘You Can Trust Jesus’. I have just proven it over the past few days. I want to leave you with one verse from the bible that says, ‘For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'(Romans 8:38-39 KJV)

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Exposing Mental Illness

It’s now 9:50 pm and I just survived one of the worse days of my life. And this had nothing to do with anything that was happening in my life. But this had everything to do with my mental illness; and that is what living with a chronic, treatment resistant, mental illness can do to you. It can totally destroy your day by holding you captive inside your mind. Maybe on the outside no one noticed, and I don’t believe anyone did. So basically I spent my day trying to be just okay. And I did, I survived and it’s only now I am feeling some sense of relief; and that’s why I can write about it right now. I could not have done this at any other point of the day.

Living with a mental illness is near impossible to explain unless you have experienced it for yourself. It’s sad really when people ‘get it’ when you have any other illness. They can empathize with you; they can understand and share in your feelings, even if they have never experienced it for themselves. The reason I believe this to be so is because there is no judgement, no stigma, no shame attached to any physical illness. But once it becomes a mental illness, the tables are turned. And that is why so many people suffering from a mental illness, do so in silence. Because they know the way in which society today still view and judge someone with a mental illness, they still don’t ‘get it’.

I know what I’m talkng about because I have lived this hell for all my life. And for most of that time I was ashamed, embarrassed and lived behind a wall of shame. Sadly, not a lot as changed, yes we may talk about it a little more through the media but are we really ‘getting it?’ Do we realize that it is an illness and not a weakness, a character flaw; that a mental illness and physicl illness are one and the same. Why do we still separate the two? Our brain is an organ of the physical body just as much as the heart, liver, kidneys and all other organs of the body are. This is, in my opinion the first step in understanding what mentl illness really is and an even bigger step in breaking down the wall of stigma.

Even today I suffered in silence because I didn’t want to burden my family or let my children see how Daddy was really feeling on the inside; I was protecting them from being exposed to the very ugly side of this illness. And I felt I didn’t want to talk to my wife or family because in my mind I was thinking that they must be tired of hearing about my depression. I was also feeling; what’s the point? There are no answers, there was nothing that anyone could really do for me, that could take away my pain. So even after all these years of suffering from my illness, I still have times when I hide the way I truly feel. It’s kind of ironic that I speak so openly about my illness through my blogs but still find it difficult at times to share it face to face. It’s much easier to share by just writing my thoughts on paper. Yet my advice to someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety is to talk to someone. But even for me there are times when I don’t always practice what I preach.

Although my brain was telling me not to talk to anyone, yet I knew from experience that I had to. I was feeling guilty and ashamd because I should not be feeling this way. But again why should guilt and shame have to play a role in this illness? It’s an illness after all; but it’s the illness that is telling your mind all those distorted thoughts. So eventually I knew I had to talk to someone. I was home alone, with no one to talk to. But eventually I messaged my best friend (who I’m thinking must be sick of hearing about my’bad days’); and notice I said messaged. I didn’t have the courage to talk on the phone. Talking seemed impossible for me to do. So ‘Messenger’ was going to be my choice of communicating, it was easier that way. My advice to someone who is suffering in silence today is, you have to talk to someone, you can’t survive this illness without support.

It’s now 10 am, the next morning and I’m feeling no better, worse really, now I’m becoming really scared. What if this is going to explode into an all out breakdown? It can’t happen, I won’t survive another breakdown and neither would my family. Mental illness is capable of tearing apart the best of marriages. Our’s is no exception and mental illness is a consuming fire that can destroy anything in it’s path. And I was not about to let that happen. At that moment I thought what is going on, why now? Was it the onset of the Christms Season? Was it all affecting me in a negative manner; subconsciously. I didn’t know. But then it hit me; did you take your medcation? To be honest, I have never forgotten to take my medication religiously, it’s the first thing I do every day. But for some reason I just forgot and normally medication time is 7:30 am, now it’s 10 am. And what I’m feeling is withdrawal! Needless to say, I wasted no time getting that medication into my body. I couldn’t even stand I was so weak and shivering, I lay down and slept until about 12:30 pm. And when I awakened those disturbing symptoms of a relaspe were gone. I prayed, ‘Oh God, please let that be the cause of my supposedly onset of a breakdown. I knew from past experiences, that was what it felt like. So for those of you who are on medication, please don’t do what I done and forget to take your medicaion but make it a part of your daily routine. We cannot afford to skip our scheduled dose, it can really throw your head into a spin. Although I was diagnosed, treatment resistant, doesn’t mean medication can’t still help, it does obviously. It means I don’t respond well to medication and other forms of treatment as others may.

So today I fight once again this ugly beast; because this is a chronic illness for me, everyday is a battle. Some days feel like I’m winning and then there are other days when I feel I’m loosing to this monster. But what options do I have? I fight with every ounce of strength that I have within me. And hopefully that strength never runs out. Because if it does, I’m in big trouble. And I would also acknowledge God’s presence in my life. Even on days when I don’t feel Him, I can still see Him by the eye of faith. I have to believe that He is watching over us. Isaiah 43:2 (New International Version) “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” God did not promise a life without hardships, sickness and troubles but He did promise He would be with us. So with my mental illness I believe I have passed through the waters, passed through the rivers and I have walked through the fire. But there is one thing I know; I did not go through this illness alone because He promised, ‘I will be with you.’ And He is with you too, no matter what you are facing today!

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Defining Depression

How do you put on paper what your heart is yearning to say? Words are just that; words! But putting those words in a sentence that makes sense and expresses how you feel, well that’s not so easy to do. Words can only speak, but only the heart can truly feel what it is you truly want to express. I have tried so desperately to portray my thoughts and feelings in my Blog: www.harrislisa72.com entitled; ‘Life and Times of The Tuckers.’ With the caption attached; ‘Living with depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine.’ I have written a total of 173 posts/blogs on this website and I feel I have only scratched the surface (written from January 2017-November 2019).

I won’t lie to you and tell you that life is wonderful and easy. When I’m having a very bad day, and I’m just referring here to my depression and anxiety, life is anything but wonderful and easy. Each moment of the day is a fight, a fight to just survive. Each day is a challenge, nothing comes easy anymore, not even the little things. I would just like to elaborate on some defining symptoms of this battlefield of the mind.

For me, when my pain is so intense, I feel like I don’t want to live anymore, that’s what depression can do to you, but yet I don’t want to die either. The constant pain and torment lessens your will to live. It would be so much easier to die and escape this living hell. But yet deep down, you really know that’s not what you really want. You just want to live, but really live without the constant struggle to survive. Life should be so much more then just surviving. I’ve often said to my doctor, ‘if this is living, then I am not living.’ Depression steals the joy, enthusiasm, your reason for living, your purpose; it steals ‘YOU’! And everyday you are constantly trying to find that ‘you’ that once you were. He’s in there somewhere but just can’t seem to escape the prison of the mind.

Depression can be defined as the overpowering need to isolate yourself from the rest of the world. There’s the inability to socialize, the wanting to just hide under a rock. That outgoing, social ‘icon’ that once I was is now turned into somewhat of a recluse. But that is the last thing I want, the last thing I need. When you suffer from depression you feel totally alone, you could be in a crowded room but feel like you are the only person there. Lonely is your constant companion. But we know we are created for companionship, we  crave affection and love. Living in isolation will only make our depression worse and that is why I need people around me, a form of support.

And then there’s the worse part of the day; the morning! A major defining symptom of depression is the fear of the day to come. How am I ever going to survive it? Constant fatigue and tiredness overwhelms my body and mind. I wonder how I can get out of bed, but then I say; ‘Okay God, it’s me and you, I can’t do this alone. So let’s do this! And the day begins. On the not so good days, I long for night to come. I know then, I have survived another day. Maybe sleep will provide an escape; a reprieve. And yet in spite of my depression and anxiety, I live my best life with what I have and try to make the best of everyday.

I can define/describe depression in so many other ways; living in a dark hole, loss of memory and concentration, having no desire to do the things you once loved to do. Depression has the power to redefine who you are (if you let it); It can consume your every thought and lessen you to a different person; to someone who as lost all confidence in oneself, convincing you that you are worthless and useless. No matter how hard I try, life becomes unbearable and overwhelming to a point where you don’t know how you can go on. But you know in reality, that is your illness talking; it distorts your thinking patterns.  The American Psychiatric Association defines major depressive disorder as ‘a common and serious MEDICAL illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.’

We are presently experiencing the ‘Season to be Jolly.’ I love Christmas, a little too much sometimes; I don’t know when to stop decorating. I was warned to tone it down this year, but how do ‘I’ tone down Christmas? My idea of toning it down is someone else’s idea of being overdone, too funny! But that’s not what Christmas is all about, there’s more to it then just decorations. For a lot of people Christmas can be one of the most difficult times of the year. It’s that time of the year when we are expected to be happy, joyful and glad. But what if we suffer from depression and anxiety; Christmas can be an enormous trigger. It can trigger so many symptoms of depression; loneliness, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue, anxiousness; all for various reasons. I pray this Christmas that all who suffer from mental illness, will feel the peace that came to earth on that first Christmas morning. Isaiah 9:6 ‘For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given; and the government shall be upon His shoulder; and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counseller, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, THE PRINCE OF PEACE.’