Category: Mental Illness

Depression, Clinical Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, etc. And my story; “A Broken Mind”

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Imagine, Imagine, Imagine!

Imagine if you woke up tomorrow morning to a complete feeling of utter hopelessness, helplessness and despair. Imagine that no matter how hard you try to get out of this dark hole of despair something within your brain/mind keeps pulling you back into this black hole of helplessness and hopelessness. Every thought is an effort, every action feels like an impossibility; you feel totally disabled. Life is happening all around you and you feel like you are suspended in midair; just watching, having no control. This has been my mornings for the past few weeks or maybe I should say years.

When I feel the onset of these thoughts and feelings, I fear that they are an indication of a relapse of a breakdown. And this is something that cannot happen, if there’s something that I can do to deter a relapse of the magnitude of my past breakdowns, then I must do it! There is the danger that I could not survive another shutdown of my body and mind. In my past experiences with the treatment of my illness; I feel little hope. Especially being diagnosed; treatment resistant. My life since 2012, which was my last total breakdown (meaning, deemed non-functioning) has been a struggle everyday. Some days worse then others. But one thing I know for sure, although I am highly medicated, I still fight to have  an okay day.

Having a mental illness with no cure, is frightening in itself but realizing within myself that there is very little help in my case, certainly exacerbates my situation. It certainly leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless, and that’s how I’m feeling right now. And that’s  why I’m writing today: I feel there’s nothing else I can do, writing certainly helps me to express my feelings and thoughts, no matter how horrid and fearful. Sometimes I feel I’m writing a fictitious story about somebody else’s life but to my dismay, this is my own non fictitious life story.

Imagine you wake to another morning and your first plan of attack for survival is, self talk. Self talk has been a tool that I have used to bring me through many very dark days. Self talk is where you repeat a mantra, an affirmation over and over again in your mind. Hoping that eventually you can convince your brain that you are going to be okay. My mantra for this morning is, ‘It’s going to be okay, you are going to be okay’. I just hope I can convince myself of this and I really am going to be okay. I have to be okay, I just have to be okay!

Imagine that this is your life and you feel you are losing control of your health and your life as you know it. Imagine, Imagine, Imagine! What would you do?

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My Untamed Mind

It’s mid afternoon on a beautiful sunny day; I’ve been tortured ever since my eyes were opened to this new day. I knew something was different about today, something more then usual. I felt scared, scared of what? Scared of my own mind and where it was taking me! Most days I can control my thoughts, but not today. My mental illness, my depression, my thorn in the flesh had unleashed its fury and I was in for a fight. A fight that I was afraid I would not win!

My feet hit the floor , I assumed position, knowing I had to face another day. But what was so bad about the day? I was alive, I had a great family, life could be a lot worse but my mind didn’t care about all the good stuff. It only wanted me to see the bad, the ugly, the dark and scary stuff. I tried with all that was within me to distract my dark thoughts but they were winning and I was afraid of where I was heading. Was this going to be a place that I could not pull myself out of. A place that I had no control over.

I hid my shame, my weakness, my fear. On the inside I was a wreak, fighting again this lion within. While on the outside I was a picture of health, a ball of energy, as I meticulously manicured the lawn; just like ‘normal’ people do. But I was feeling anything but normal as I tried my best to be just okay.

There seemed to be no end , the dark , distorted thoughts were holding my mind captive and I just could not escape. No amount of distractions could free me, even for a moment. Were these the same thoughts that invaded the mind of the young lady who tried desperately to take her life but did not succeed or the young man who felt he had no other options left but to end this hell, once and for all. I can’t say I don’t understand why they would do such a thing. I would be the last to pass judgement, the last to question why?

I am so sick and tired of this mind disorder, so tired of this chronic, hellish torment. Hate is not a strong enough word to describe what I feel toward this illness. It is the only illness I know of that steals your desire to live; you live in a body that the mind is trying to kill, a slow, silent death. It sucks your will to live out of you, to a point where life means nothing to you anymore. It makes me angry because someone with cancer are fighting for their life but someone with severe depression is just wanting to die!

I want to live life to the fullest, surviving is not living and when you suffer a mental illness; that’s all you are doing, just surviving. Major depression has taken so much from me, it has stripped me of my self worth, my confidence, my zest for life, my memories and time that I will never get back. And for that, I hate depression, I hate what it has done to me. But I still fight every day, no matter how exhausting, I will fight til I can fight no more. Never giving up hope that one day I will tame this beast of my mind! Hope is what keeps me going, hope is what gives me the will to fight.

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Being Strong

Darkness falls around me like a shroud. It’s not the darkness I fear but the night. My dreams are haunted by the never ending trauma of my past. But yet I sleep to escape the torment of the day, a reprieve from reality. My nightmares devour my only since of peace. Maybe, just maybe, tonight will be different; peace and calm will flood my mind leaving no space for terror. How I long for peace of mind, the end to my battlefield, the never ending struggle to just survive. Depression and anxiety has stolen anything that resembles a ‘normal’ life. It is my deepest longing to just be okay, to just feel ‘normal’ for once, to love life.

Morning comes again bringing with it the light of a new day. But I know today will be a struggle, most days are, some worse then others. I know this all sounds horrible and who would want to read such depressing and hopeless accounts of a day in the life of a struggling mentally ill person. But it is what it is! Try living with it for day in and day out. Not much fun believe me. I guess when I say mentally ill, many people conjure up ideas of a ravenous lunatic, an out of control insane person. But depression/anxiety is probably the exact opposite. Depression for me can be compared to being in a constant state of grief, that never really goes away. And this so interferes with the function of life’s everyday tasks and stresses. Life as to move on but it’s like I’m always trying to play catch up, but I never really do.

I can’t remember how many times I’ve said I’m fine just because I didn’t want to burden others with just how I was really feeling. Ashamed to admit to the truth of how I really felt. So everyday I fight, fight to be okay. But I’m tired, tired of being strong when really I’m not strong at all. The ‘cover’ to my book may look great on the outside but on the inside it’s ripped and torn. So like the old saying goes, ‘Never judge a book by it’s cover’. Afraid that if I open the cover, the pages of my heart would fall out for all the world to see, and if they saw maybe they would judge me and consider it all weakness. When all along I know it can’t be weakness, I ‘know’ it’s not weakness but my mind tells me it is. And everyday I tell myself, over and over again, that it’s not what I feel but what I know. I cannot live my life by feelings but what I know to be the truth. And to live with this hellish disorder of the brain; I have to be strong in order to survive.

Tomorrow may be a ‘good’ day and by a good day I am not defining it by those who do not suffer from a mental illness, there’s no comparison. I live my life by hope, hoping that tomorrow will be a good day. If I lost my will to hope, I would have nothing left but an empty well of darkness. So I will press on, I will not quit the fight, even when overwhelming fatigue and exhaustion have left me lifeless; I will not give in. I will fight for my life. To those who are struggling and feel like you have no hope, take it from me, if I can do it, then so can you. I believe in you!

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Define Depression

Over the past few years I have written enough blogs on the subject of depression and anxiety to fill a book, and yet I still feel I haven’t adequately defined it. I guess the only real way to understand what depression is, is to experience it for yourself and you really don’t want to do that. It differs from one person to the other and ranges from mild to major symptoms. We really can’t compare my experience with mental illness to someone else’s.

I have used many analogies to try and define what it felt like to live with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. They all give you a better understanding of this illness. I wanted to share a post that popped up on my newsfeed today, it was quite interesting, so I thought I’d share it with you.

This is so true for someone who suffers from major depression. Your body is so exhausted and tired of fighting the raging thoughts in your head, that all your head wants is to die. The never ending torture makes life not worth living; well that’s what your distorted mind is telling you.

But there is hope and it’s not rocket science; you can take control of your thoughts to a certain degree, at least to a place where life doesn’t seem so unbearable as you thought. Thoughts are just that; thoughts. They cannot harm you unless you allow them to, you don’t always have to believe every thought that comes into your head. When you are fighting this mental illness, your mind is producing thoughts that are distorted and untrue; so don’t always believe your own mind. Your best defence is to realize which thoughts are distorted and which are not; not always easy to do but you can do it. It could save your life! Talk to yourself, tell yourself you are going to get through this, it will not last forever. Be gentle with yourself, do whatever it takes to get well and only you know what that is. Go for a short walk not a marathon, listen to some of your favourite music, take a nap if you need it and don’t feel guilty about doing so or just watch a funny tv show. Or just sing in the shower or bath. These are the little things and that’s where you have to start; baby steps.

With the holly, jolly season approaching it can throw us for a loop. Christmas can bring up so many different feelings and emotions; all not jolly and bright! I really have an hard time during Christmas, it’s expected of us to be an Hallmark fantasy movie; where all is merry and bright. But when you suffer from a mental illness, that is so far from how you are really feeling, maybe even quite the opposite. And with that comes much guilt, shame, anger toward yourself for not feeling the spirit of Christmas that is so expected of you. But if you are just not feeling it, that’s okay, just do what you can and that’s all is required.

I may never see the day when I am totally free of this hateful illness but there’s one thing I know and that is; I WILL NEVER LOSE HOPE! Hope is what gets me through the day, hope is what gets me out of bed, hope is what pushes me to enjoy life as best I can while fighting this horrible illness. And you can to, I believe in you , life is worth living; no matter what our broken mind is telling us.

 

 

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A Fresh Start

Where as the last six years gone? They say,”time flies when you’re having fun.”  But I say, “time flies whether you’re having fun or not.” Time is one thing we have no control over. It’s been six years since we moved from St.John’s to Bay Roberts, in some ways that seems like eternity and in  other ways it seems like yesterday. But it’s time to move on, life has been so unkind to us here, no fault of the people and Town of Bay Roberts; it’s a beautiful place to live. It’s almost like the “universe” is telling us, “you’re done here, it’s time to move on.” So on August 3,2021 we are moving, I believe it’s what our family needs; a fresh start!

When we moved here on April, 2015 it wasn’t a good time in our lives, so we got off to an already stress filled, anxiety provoking and an uncertain future; that we had no control over. We had lost control of our lives and frantically trying to put the pieces back together. Little did we realize what was in store for us. The pieces of our lives were not being put back together but obstacles, events and illness would still pull us further apart. We would encounter more attacks and painful  situations, then I would have ever experienced in all my lifetime combined. I won’t elaborate on any of those painful, controlling and disrespectful events because I feel we are trying desperately to put them in the past and to keep them there. And when we leave, we will symbolically leave them here, we will brush the dust off our feet, we will not take them with us. We deserve so much better and this new chapter in our lives will be a fresh start for our family.

What I will elaborate on is the present condition of my mental illness or my mental health. It’s difficult to have fairly good mental health when you are constantly being thrown into the den of lions; a very toxic environment. Not a place for someone trying to heal from a broken mind. It was like adding fuel to the fire. If I were to improve, I have to physically move to a new land. There were no options. There were just too many triggers, to ever even come close to living a “normal “ life. And that wasn’t going to happen here.

I am/was constantly judged by my outward or physical appearance. “He’s not sick, he doesn’t even look sick.” And this is one of the dangers of this illness; you don’t always see it! Are the only people that are sick, the ones who appear outwardly to show signs and symptoms that the eye could see? No, my illness was from deep within my mind, a place that the eye could not see. And I have become a master of hiding what I didn’t want others to see. What I was feeling and what others were seeing were two totally different pictures. And I had no obligation to expose my mental health to no one, except my own family; my mother, my wife and my two children (who I tried not to let see me at my worse). But even today I struggle and live one day at a time.

Mental illness is such an unforgiving illness. It’s so misunderstood, stigmatized and misjudged; that even today, it’s sufferers would rather hide it and suffer alone. I do many days because even today I feel ashamed and far from normal. Days when I feel I am not even worthy to live. Too sick, too tired and too alone to belong. That I am so different, that I’m not like ‘normal’ people; I just don’t fit in anymore. But yet I yearn to live a life that’s even a little normal. Mental illness has stolen so much from us. There are days when I am not fully present but pre occupied deep within my mind. My illness has not been a once in a lifetime occurrence but a lifetime of living with someone I do not even know or at times not even like.

Not only have my mental illness stolen from me but it has cost my family so much. My wife lost her husband on that day I had my last relapse (8 years ago). I became someone with no personality, no feelings, numb, trapped inside my mind; a person she no longer recognized. My children were deprived many times of a father. I was too sick to even play the part. But after years of fighting, counselling, therapy, medications; I gradually returned to someone similar to who I once was. I now give what I have, not at all meeting up to my expectations of what I should be but I work with what I have. I try not to dwell on what mental illness has stolen from me but I build on what I have left.

So in just 10 more days we will move to our new home, our new life. My only prayer is that God will go with us and bless us. May this be a new beginning, a light in the darkness, a new hope; A FRESH START!    

 

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Because He Lives I Can Face Today

I awakened with that ever abiding voice of depression. I pushed myself out of bed, not because I was lazy and didn’t want to get out but I was paralyzed, disabled by my broken mind. The thoughts of facing the day scared me to death. How can I do this again?  Can’t this just stop, can’t I just live a ‘normal’ life for a change. I dragged myself to the kitchen table with my caffeine fix in my hand and threw myself onto the chair. My head was in a total fog. I looked at my wife and said, “Can’t I just have one good day?’ But I knew it wasn’t going to be today. To wake up every morning and have this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders, I was exhausted even before my day began.

We just celebrated the Easter season, a time of victory, joy and celebration for the Christian. A time when Jesus provided for all humanity the only way to the Father, that being the shedding of His blood. Romans 10:9 ‘If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.’ Having a mental illness has taken away the ability for me to fully experience the joyous feeling of the resurrection but I have learned that I now live by what I ‘know’, not what I ‘feel’. 2 Timothy 1:12 ‘For I ‘KNOW’ whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day’.

It’s very difficult for me to sing the song, ‘Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone.’ I would be lying if I said there were times that I am not fearful. Because there are times I am fearful.  I’m fearful of my mental illness and what it can do to me and my family, the fear of a total relapse of my illness, the fear of Lauren’s ever changing health, not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring forth. But I try not to let my thoughts go to tomorrow. I live one day at a time and this morning the thought came to me and it’s pertaining to this song, ‘Because He Lives.’ But for me , who lives with a broken mind, I can say with confidence, ‘Because He lives I can face today’. We are not promised tomorrow so I try not to go there but live today; one minute, one hour, one day at a time. This I know to be true!

I know there are so many out there who feel they can’t go on, life is too much, God wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Don’t believe that, God takes us just as we are, in our brokenness , our messed up minds, our addictions, our broken marriages, our hurts, our abuse, our fears; He takes us just as we are. When we feel we’re a nobody, a nothing, useless, ugly, unlovable human being; He loves us. We are never alone, even when we feel God is nowhere to be found (I know the feeling, I won’t lie), He is right there, standing somewhere in the shadows you’ll find Jesus. He’s the one who always cares and understands. When others have turned their backs on us and we feel all alone, He is there. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

You may ask, ‘why do I bring God into the picture when it comes to my mental illness?’ Because I believe the first step to any level of recovery is, we have to admit to ourselves that we have an illness and that we are powerless over it. This is one battle that we cannot fight alone. That is why we need to turn to a Power greater then ourselves, to help us survive this hellish illness. Much like the second step in the AA Program for alcohol addiction. As with any other chronic or terminal illness, we need to turn to a spiritual power that is able to strengthen and walk us through our journey. It’s then we realize that we are not in control, in our own strength we could never make it. Let’s just put things into perspective; when we know we have no where else to turn and we are at a dead end; I believe we quickly realize who we have to turn to. And guess what? He’s there waiting; waiting for you! God is not he enemy, He’s the answer. No matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve done, God loves you!

In spite of my constant fight to survive this battlefield in my mind, I still live my best life with what I have and not dwell on what I don’t have. Hoping that today will be a better day and one day I will find peace again, peace of mind.

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Our Reality

For the past fifty-six years now, I’ve attended the Academy of Life. And throughout these years I hope to think I’ve learned a thing or two about life itself. Many have been the ups and the downs, the joys and the sorrows, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad; you get the idea, sometimes life seems like a roller coaster ride and you just want to stop and get off. I can’t take this anymore, I’ve had enough. But we keep going, it’s life, we did not create our own reality. So we live life to the best of our ability with what we have.

So what do I mean when I say, ‘we did not create our own reality’. It most commonly means that we didn’t create the world in which we live, and this includes how we think and feel. We certainly live in a society that definitely tries to convince us that this is not true (and I respect that). But from my own life experiences, I find this to be my truth. No matter how I used the ‘power of positive thinking’ or ‘like attracts like’ (The Secret). Everything in my life didn’t come falling into my lap. If that were the case nothing bad would ever happen to us and we know that is not true. And then there are others who might interpret this to mean that if you think negative thoughts, bad things will happen (or think positive thoughts and good things will happen). Yes we can think both negative and positive thoughts but they will not dictate our reality. My thoughts, due to my mental illness, are sometimes distorted, lack of concentration, losing train of thought, memory loss; all which lead me to a disabling reality. So in short, it suggests that by controlling your thoughts, you can control your destiny. When in fact I am not always in control of my thoughts because if I were there would be no room for negative thinking. So I could ‘try’ to think positive thoughts but that is not being realistic, neither is it being a pessimist. Sometimes I feel we have a tendency to brush the negative thoughts under the rug because we just don’t want to deal with them. And by doing so they will just go away. I think not! It’s our way of coping.

There is a ‘LITTLE’ truth to this idea that we create our own reality. For example, if we’re looking for negative things all the time, sure enough, we will find them. Or, if we look for the positive, we will find it too. Therefore, we do have some control over that for which we look.

That said, the overall statement is hogwash!

What you think does not control what happens to you. Some people have very bad lives for absolutely no reason. They did not ‘think’ incorrectly nor is there anything wrong with their character. Similarly, some people have great lives for no reason. These people are not superior; they don’t ‘think’ in a better way, lets just say they are luckier.

Now I better back up with what I just said with some proof. Take a child who is starving to death in a third world country. That child did nothing wrong. That child cannot think their way out of their situation. That child will die, not through any fault of their own. They will die because life is cruel at times and unfair and they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Me on the other hand was not born in a third world country. I was born in Canada, a fairly rich country. That doesn’t make me better than the child in the third world country. But it sure gave me an advantage over the child in the third world country and I did nothing to deserve it. Guess I was just luckier?

The people that think they can create their own reality, are people with good realities. They seem to think they did something ‘right’ to manifest these realities. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives; we have to do what we can with what we have. You might be fortunate enough to be born  into a rich family, you did nothing to make that happen.

Where am I going with all of this you may ask? Well, I was born with a mental illness. I have spent years of my life in a life-threating depression. There is no amount of thinking that could free me from this prison. And there is no amount of thinking that can get people out of all the horrible, unfair illnesses and life circumstances that strike people. So please stop blaming people for their own realities. I am not to blame for my own reality. I did not ask for this illness, no more then Lauren asked to be born with cerebral palsy. Your life could be going along wonderfully and then something terrible happens and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, it’s out of our control.

So while we don’t create our own reality, we do deal with reality in the best way we can. Life is not always easy, or smooth going, it’s certainly not always in our control. No matter what we are facing today, we can’t give up but we have to keep going and one day we will reach the finish line, supposedly we have to crawl, we will make it!

 

 

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I’m Just Tired

I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.

Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.

Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”

Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!

The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that  no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 

 

 

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Covid19 And My Mental Health

Will the ‘restrictions’ of Covid19 kill me before Covid19 does? Don’t get me wrong I know we have to abide by these restrictions and they are put in place for our good, for our protection. And I will follow these restrictions for myself and also for the safety of others.

But having said that, coming from someone who suffers from a mental illness; how am I going to survive? Because right now I have days where I feel I am loosing the battle. Every restriction that is in place are restrictions that trigger my depression and anxiety. I believe this pandemic is difficult even for someone who has good mental health. But those who suffer mental illness; this caged, confined, imprisoned pandemic, would make one worry and wonder if you can survive this hellish existence.

I have no problem in wearing a facemask, I believe it’s the selfless thing to do; if it makes us a little uncomfortable, I think we can tolerate that, especially if it meant protecting someone who is autoimmune comprised or vulnerable. Sometimes we just have to do the right thing and wear a mask, if not for ourselves, then do it for others. I know there are some who just cannot wear a mask because of medical reasons and therefore they have a medical exemption from their doctor. I do believe these people should really limit their outings around others. One for their own protection and two, for the protection of everyone else. To my disbelief there are still those who just blatantly refuse to wear it. Their reasoning; they just don’t want to live their life in ‘fear’. I think sometimes we need a little healthy fear and abide by the restrictions that the Health Care Professionals put in place for our protection. I believe that someone who refuses to wear a mask are just being selfish, careless and inconsiderate of others. I certainly don’t feel that all those who are wearing a mask are living in fear but they just have a lot of common sense. So I will ‘suck it up’ and wear my mask without complaint, it’s the least I can do.

I know right now the media, example ‘Bell Let’s Talk’, are encouraging those who are finding the stress and anxiety of the  pandemic is affecting their mental health and they are finding life very difficult. And I totally agree, talking is great therapy and is certainly a means to help each other through these tough days. But I guess there are sometimes, exceptions to every rule. Just yesterday, I was having a really tough day, how I was feeling was unexplainable but it was not good. I was desperately fighting to just cope, to just survive the day. And talking to someone was the last thing I wanted to do; I just wanted to close the door on everyone and just crawl inside myself. I know this was not right but talking wasn’t on the top of my list of coping. So, don’t do as I do but do as I say and talk to someone!

I believe the most trigger provoking restriction of this whole pandemic is, social distancing/living in a bubble.  Not being able to spend time with friends and not having a social life is just killing me. The things that once I took for granted, I now crave to do. Just being able to go to the grocery store and smile at the passing customers or stopping and having a chat to a friend we just bumped into. And then just not being able to hug those we meet. Those little things aren’t little anymore, they play havoc on our mental health, even when we don’t realize they are. But for me, getting out, socializing, interacting with others, sharing with others, were all therapy for my mental health. Those were things I desperately craved to help bring me through my dark days. But because of this pandemic I am very limited to what I can do.

We are so blessed here in Newfoundland and Labrador compared to others parts of Canada and the World. But we certainly can’t afford to let our guard down. It’s because of our abiding to the restrictions of Covid19, that I believe have helped to flatten the curve and keep our numbers down. So thanks to our Government and Health Care Professionals for doing such an amazing job. I believe our protection and well being were their top priority and they have to be commended.

One day, hopefully, we will be able to look back on this nightmare and thank God that it did not kill us but we survived. My heart goes out to the tens of thousands that have died because of this deadly virus; worldwide. To those we will never forget, to the families who are still grieving their loss, beyond sad! Even to this very day, we are far from being home free! Still this pandemic sweeps through the earth and taking thousands of lives with it. One day, just one day, maybe just CA one day, we will be free again. I believe we will never be the same again, in this generation, but we will learn once again to live a ‘New Normal’.

 

 

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2020; A Year We Would Not Soon Forget

January 20, 2017 was my first post to my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. Life & Times Of  “The Tuckers”. ‘Living with severe depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine’. A form of therapy that brought me through many very dark days. And here I am, January 2, 2021; posting again. Never in my life did I think this blog would last for years and would eventually be published into a book. And may I go further and say, books (two at the least). I can always dream; dreams do come true. This, I feel, will be a cause to pause from writing about my illness. As therapeutic as blogging has been for me, it has also been exhausting and draining; I’ve been misunderstood, stigmatized, traumatized and ridiculed. But that came with no surprise to me; it’s what having a mental illness does to a person. But I still had to write the truth, no matter what. What was meant to start out as therapy for myself, also became a means to help others, through my own experiences with a mental illness. I learned that, much like everything in life, we cannot change the world; nor did I think I could. But I did think I could help one person at a time. And if that meant putting my heart and soul into my writing (raw & honest) then I was willing to do so.  If it meant helping someone else, to save one life, then I was successful in what I set out to do.

In 2012, I had my last relapse, and was told by my doctor that I would not be going back to work; if ever. And here I am in 2021, still fighting my disabling, crippling, tormenting illness; an illness that has left me fighting for that one ‘good day’. But inside this physical body a war is still raging against my mental health. Over the past few years, life has introduced many triggers, many uphill climbs, many times when I just had to crawl. But I fight with what I have and there are times when that may not be much. But I fight!

When I look back over the past year, and wonder how I survived, I really am in awe that I am doing as well as I am. The year was filled with much sadness, loss, sickness, discouragement and I could go on, but what amazes me the most, is that we are still fighting; fighting against all odds.

When Lauren was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy in 2014, we knew we were going to encounter many challenges and obstacles; but we had no idea just how many; it was one thing after another, there was no end. We were told, when she was around one year old, that her vision was affected, they just couldn’t tell us just how much she was seeing. Being the naïve parents we were, we just  thought,  when she gets a little older she’ll just need glasses and that’ll take care of her vision. We were so wrong again.  When she was referred to the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind), we were literary in shock. We realized then that Lauren’s vision was not going to be corrected with a pair of glasses. My God, how were we going to get through this? How were we going to accept this? Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Then she was referred to APSEA (Atlantic Provinces Education Authority) in March 2020. Their findings were what led to her being diagnosed with CVI (Cortical Visual Impairment). This has more to do with how the brain is interpreting what the eye is seeing. There is no cure per se. With intervention, improvement is possible, but not a lot of hope, in my opinion.

The year, 2020, began with Lisa’s surgery on March 16. This surgery was supposedly a routine surgery that would only require an overnight stay in the hospital. However, due to complications resulting from the surgery, Lisa was rushed back into the OR for emergency , life-saving surgery on March 17. This surgery resulted in  her being put in ICU on a ventilator, fighting for her life.

And if that weren’t  bad enough, the hospital was now on lockdown due to the worldwide pandemic of the Covid19 virus. Lisa had to experience this all alone because there were no visitors allowed in the hospital;  not even her distraught husband. You talk about an hell on earth, and that was exactly what we were experiencing. Lisa stayed in the hospital for eight days. Once released, we thought we were on the road to recovery; so we thought. To make a long story short, within five months Lisa was back in the hospital from August 23- September 3, due to more complications from that first surgery back in March 16, 2020; a nightmare for us all, especially our two children, Logan & Lauren.

Then, once Lisa was back home and settled in again, she had to find the courage to tell me that my sweet niece, Tonya, had suddenly passed away. Shock, grief and bereavement totally shot me down! The feeling of disbelief consumed my mind. How could this be? She was so young! Our whole family was lost in a sea of grief. A part of all of us was missing; that piece of your heart that you hold close to you, had now gone to Heaven.

It seemed like the year could not get any worse, but the pandemic was sweeping the world! Schools were closed for the remainder of the school year. Lisa was pretty much out of commission; what was supposed to initially be a six week recovery period, ended up to be a full year for recovery. And, here we were with a child that had CP, requiring 24/7 care; care that we had to provide on our own.  All the while, we continued to try to give our nine year old little boy as normal a life as possible.  In spite of it all, he was a trooper and we are so proud of him.

I had to believe that God was in the midst of all this chaos, because this was something we could not handle in our human strength. I prayed for God’s strength, comfort and protection to make it through these most trying times. He was and is faithful!