Category: Life

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I’m Just Tired

I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.

Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.

Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”

Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!

The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that  no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 

 

 

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Covid19 And My Mental Health

Will the ‘restrictions’ of Covid19 kill me before Covid19 does? Don’t get me wrong I know we have to abide by these restrictions and they are put in place for our good, for our protection. And I will follow these restrictions for myself and also for the safety of others.

But having said that, coming from someone who suffers from a mental illness; how am I going to survive? Because right now I have days where I feel I am loosing the battle. Every restriction that is in place are restrictions that trigger my depression and anxiety. I believe this pandemic is difficult even for someone who has good mental health. But those who suffer mental illness; this caged, confined, imprisoned pandemic, would make one worry and wonder if you can survive this hellish existence.

I have no problem in wearing a facemask, I believe it’s the selfless thing to do; if it makes us a little uncomfortable, I think we can tolerate that, especially if it meant protecting someone who is autoimmune comprised or vulnerable. Sometimes we just have to do the right thing and wear a mask, if not for ourselves, then do it for others. I know there are some who just cannot wear a mask because of medical reasons and therefore they have a medical exemption from their doctor. I do believe these people should really limit their outings around others. One for their own protection and two, for the protection of everyone else. To my disbelief there are still those who just blatantly refuse to wear it. Their reasoning; they just don’t want to live their life in ‘fear’. I think sometimes we need a little healthy fear and abide by the restrictions that the Health Care Professionals put in place for our protection. I believe that someone who refuses to wear a mask are just being selfish, careless and inconsiderate of others. I certainly don’t feel that all those who are wearing a mask are living in fear but they just have a lot of common sense. So I will ‘suck it up’ and wear my mask without complaint, it’s the least I can do.

I know right now the media, example ‘Bell Let’s Talk’, are encouraging those who are finding the stress and anxiety of the  pandemic is affecting their mental health and they are finding life very difficult. And I totally agree, talking is great therapy and is certainly a means to help each other through these tough days. But I guess there are sometimes, exceptions to every rule. Just yesterday, I was having a really tough day, how I was feeling was unexplainable but it was not good. I was desperately fighting to just cope, to just survive the day. And talking to someone was the last thing I wanted to do; I just wanted to close the door on everyone and just crawl inside myself. I know this was not right but talking wasn’t on the top of my list of coping. So, don’t do as I do but do as I say and talk to someone!

I believe the most trigger provoking restriction of this whole pandemic is, social distancing/living in a bubble.  Not being able to spend time with friends and not having a social life is just killing me. The things that once I took for granted, I now crave to do. Just being able to go to the grocery store and smile at the passing customers or stopping and having a chat to a friend we just bumped into. And then just not being able to hug those we meet. Those little things aren’t little anymore, they play havoc on our mental health, even when we don’t realize they are. But for me, getting out, socializing, interacting with others, sharing with others, were all therapy for my mental health. Those were things I desperately craved to help bring me through my dark days. But because of this pandemic I am very limited to what I can do.

We are so blessed here in Newfoundland and Labrador compared to others parts of Canada and the World. But we certainly can’t afford to let our guard down. It’s because of our abiding to the restrictions of Covid19, that I believe have helped to flatten the curve and keep our numbers down. So thanks to our Government and Health Care Professionals for doing such an amazing job. I believe our protection and well being were their top priority and they have to be commended.

One day, hopefully, we will be able to look back on this nightmare and thank God that it did not kill us but we survived. My heart goes out to the tens of thousands that have died because of this deadly virus; worldwide. To those we will never forget, to the families who are still grieving their loss, beyond sad! Even to this very day, we are far from being home free! Still this pandemic sweeps through the earth and taking thousands of lives with it. One day, just one day, maybe just CA one day, we will be free again. I believe we will never be the same again, in this generation, but we will learn once again to live a ‘New Normal’.

 

 

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2020; A Year We Would Not Soon Forget

January 20, 2017 was my first post to my blog; www.harrislisa72.com. Life & Times Of  “The Tuckers”. ‘Living with severe depression and anxiety. Raising a child with cerebral palsy. The ups and downs of life; the rain and the sunshine’. A form of therapy that brought me through many very dark days. And here I am, January 2, 2021; posting again. Never in my life did I think this blog would last for years and would eventually be published into a book. And may I go further and say, books (two at the least). I can always dream; dreams do come true. This, I feel, will be a cause to pause from writing about my illness. As therapeutic as blogging has been for me, it has also been exhausting and draining; I’ve been misunderstood, stigmatized, traumatized and ridiculed. But that came with no surprise to me; it’s what having a mental illness does to a person. But I still had to write the truth, no matter what. What was meant to start out as therapy for myself, also became a means to help others, through my own experiences with a mental illness. I learned that, much like everything in life, we cannot change the world; nor did I think I could. But I did think I could help one person at a time. And if that meant putting my heart and soul into my writing (raw & honest) then I was willing to do so.  If it meant helping someone else, to save one life, then I was successful in what I set out to do.

In 2012, I had my last relapse, and was told by my doctor that I would not be going back to work; if ever. And here I am in 2021, still fighting my disabling, crippling, tormenting illness; an illness that has left me fighting for that one ‘good day’. But inside this physical body a war is still raging against my mental health. Over the past few years, life has introduced many triggers, many uphill climbs, many times when I just had to crawl. But I fight with what I have and there are times when that may not be much. But I fight!

When I look back over the past year, and wonder how I survived, I really am in awe that I am doing as well as I am. The year was filled with much sadness, loss, sickness, discouragement and I could go on, but what amazes me the most, is that we are still fighting; fighting against all odds.

When Lauren was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy in 2014, we knew we were going to encounter many challenges and obstacles; but we had no idea just how many; it was one thing after another, there was no end. We were told, when she was around one year old, that her vision was affected, they just couldn’t tell us just how much she was seeing. Being the naïve parents we were, we just  thought,  when she gets a little older she’ll just need glasses and that’ll take care of her vision. We were so wrong again.  When she was referred to the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind), we were literary in shock. We realized then that Lauren’s vision was not going to be corrected with a pair of glasses. My God, how were we going to get through this? How were we going to accept this? Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Then she was referred to APSEA (Atlantic Provinces Education Authority) in March 2020. Their findings were what led to her being diagnosed with CVI (Cortical Visual Impairment). This has more to do with how the brain is interpreting what the eye is seeing. There is no cure per se. With intervention, improvement is possible, but not a lot of hope, in my opinion.

The year, 2020, began with Lisa’s surgery on March 16. This surgery was supposedly a routine surgery that would only require an overnight stay in the hospital. However, due to complications resulting from the surgery, Lisa was rushed back into the OR for emergency , life-saving surgery on March 17. This surgery resulted in  her being put in ICU on a ventilator, fighting for her life.

And if that weren’t  bad enough, the hospital was now on lockdown due to the worldwide pandemic of the Covid19 virus. Lisa had to experience this all alone because there were no visitors allowed in the hospital;  not even her distraught husband. You talk about an hell on earth, and that was exactly what we were experiencing. Lisa stayed in the hospital for eight days. Once released, we thought we were on the road to recovery; so we thought. To make a long story short, within five months Lisa was back in the hospital from August 23- September 3, due to more complications from that first surgery back in March 16, 2020; a nightmare for us all, especially our two children, Logan & Lauren.

Then, once Lisa was back home and settled in again, she had to find the courage to tell me that my sweet niece, Tonya, had suddenly passed away. Shock, grief and bereavement totally shot me down! The feeling of disbelief consumed my mind. How could this be? She was so young! Our whole family was lost in a sea of grief. A part of all of us was missing; that piece of your heart that you hold close to you, had now gone to Heaven.

It seemed like the year could not get any worse, but the pandemic was sweeping the world! Schools were closed for the remainder of the school year. Lisa was pretty much out of commission; what was supposed to initially be a six week recovery period, ended up to be a full year for recovery. And, here we were with a child that had CP, requiring 24/7 care; care that we had to provide on our own.  All the while, we continued to try to give our nine year old little boy as normal a life as possible.  In spite of it all, he was a trooper and we are so proud of him.

I had to believe that God was in the midst of all this chaos, because this was something we could not handle in our human strength. I prayed for God’s strength, comfort and protection to make it through these most trying times. He was and is faithful!                                                                                                                         

 

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A Bad Day

The sound of morning whispers in my ears. I don’t want to hear it’s haunting sounds because I know before my eyes open that this is going to be a not so good day, in other words, a bad day! Lord, how can I cope with another mesmerizing day; exhaustion and fatigue weigh heavily on my whole being. Brain fog, envelopes my whole head and every thought as to pass through a cloud of dense fog. The fog distorts each thought and nothing makes sense. I’m going to have a bad day (that’s not speculating) and yet the day hasn’t  begun.

But maybe this once I’ll be wrong; I wish that were the case. But I know before my eyes open, what my day will be. It doesn’t matter if everything that happens today is positive and good; that will not change how I’m feeling. My mental illness dictates what the day will be. I have no real way to describe what this illness feels like because there are no words that can really do it justice. If you have read my blog at www.harrislisa72.com, you’ll know I have practically used every word in the English language to try and describe how this mental illness feels. And I may come close but it seems impossible to describe something that you cannot touch. Much like an artist trying to capture an evening sunset; but doing so with eyes closed.

It’s one of the most difficult things I have to do; to admit that I’m having a bad day. A bad day brings with it, much emotional distress, now for a fifty-five year  old man to admit that there is literally water/tears running from my eyes.,  takes courage and strength. I have no desire to do anything and what I do, takes much effort. And then there is the shame that comes with  having a bad day. Having to admit to others that you are having a not so good day, can be embarrassing and shameful. But it’s all part of the illness; it is what it is.;

The past several weeks have been horrible, a nightmare in itself. Something from a Stephen King horror movie. The world was introduced to ‘the virus’ that basically shut down the world. The outbreak originated in China and spread from there. As of March 13, 2020, there were nearly 148,000 cases globally and more than 81,000 cases in China, with cases in every continent except Antarctica. Scientists are continuing to study the virus and work on treatments, including a vaccine. The actual name of the virus is covid19 or coronavirus. All our lives have been turned upside down and forever changed. We had to learn a new language as it were; new words were introduced on a daily basis. Such terminology as; social distancing, self isolation, pandemic, asymptomatic (no symptoms),symptomatic (exhibiting symptoms), flattening the curve, bubble, double bubble, etc.. This one thing we know and that is, Covid19 is a pandemic that as touched us all, not just Canada, but the world. On May 7,2020 the total cases of covid19 in Canada was 63,895.

When you suffer from mental illness; any extra stress or change in your life, can trigger and bring to life  many symptoms of my illness. The pass few weeks have been no doubt, very challenging,  unpredictable and uncertain due to the coronavirus. It has certainly taken it’s toll on my mental health. For our protection against this virus, the  Government as implemented various guidelines to stop the spread of the virus. I know these guidelines are for our own good but for someone suffering from a mental illness, some of these restrictions are exactly what we have been told by our own physicians, not to do, in order to improve our own mental health. An example of this would be to ; stay home, self distancing and self isolation. To which I totally carry out, but it sure as played havoc on my mental well being. When trying to improve your mental health, isolation is not something we need. We are encouraged to be around people, to get out of the house as much as possible. But this virus as  kept us from doing just that and therefore it can increase our depression and anxiety. Virtual media helps but it certainly isn’t the same as human touch and personal interaction. But I totally understand that we have to follow the guidelines set out for us, in order to stop the spread of this pandemic.

It’s evening now, the darkness of the night wraps me like a warm, cozy blanket. Night is my friend, my time of reprieve, my escape. I have fought my battles of the day and survived. But this doesn’t happen without a price, fatigue and exhaustion leave me lifeless. Medication aids in closing my weary eyes and shutting down my tormented mind. I pray for peace and calm as I drift off into another world.

 

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The Silent Killer

I wouldn’t say that Winter is my most favourite time of the year. The freezing cold, slippery streets and sidewalks, back breaking shovelling of the snow and the claustrophobic confinement inside your home because of a monstrous snowstorm. None of which make for the ideal situation for someone suffering from chronic depression and anxiety. I would call Winter, ‘One big trigger for mental illness.’ And then there’s the relentless hours of darkness, where daylight savings time is at it’s cruelest.  We require, as human beings, a certain amount of daylight each day in order to produce enough vitimin D, which  in turn increases our mood and helps combat anxiety and depression; that’s not always possible this time of the year.

But I’ve been doing fairly well and by fairly well, I don’t mean cured. But it’s been managable for the most part, with a lot of daily work; it certainly doesn’t  happen naturally. But at least I can function, to a certain degree. This functioning level recently was misinterpreted falsely by someone’s ignorance and boldness. When she stated in an email that I was more then capable of working and that I shouldn’t burden my family, friends and Community with the financial responsibility of Lauren’s needs. Our hearts were broken and torn that someone could be so cruel and insensitive.

In reality I have no obligation to explain the status of my health to the general public. Nor do I need public clearance for when I go back to work. I think this would be my doctor’s area of expertise and the public should keep their opinions and comments to themselves. It’s really sad that I feel the need to even justify my illness. I guess that’s why it’s sometimes referred to as the ‘hidden/silent killer.’ It’s an illness that you don’t always see on the outside. And when I go in public I’ve mastered how to act ‘normal’ despite an abnormal illness. The public will never see my worst days; it’s those days I hide; I isolate. But in the end , it lends significantly to the public’s misconceptions about the severity of my illness because just maybe what they are seeing and what the reality of my illness is, are two different things.

I’m telling this because it’s easy to judge a person’s well being on what you see; and you certainly cannot diagnose the severity of my illness or the wellness of my being by what you see. But when you see me, you aren’t seeing all of me. I write this because I want people to understand that when someone looks okay on the outside, certainly doesn’t mean that eveything is fine on the inside. Sometimes we are so quick to judge someone else and to dictate what we think is right for that person. But if we don’t walk in their shoes, we have no right to judge that person. So if we can’t say something nice about someone, it’s best to say nothing at all. And for a lot of people that is near impossibe to do. I have to live with this illness, every fighting day of my life; as does so many others who are fighting this battle called mental illness.

I believe (I know) we have been the topic of conversation around many supper tables. I have never experienced such cruelty, gossip and backbiting in all my life.  And the topic of conversation being our fundraising efforts in order to give our six years old little girl, who has cerebral palsy, and who’s needs far outway the needs of a ‘normal’ child. We were told we were a burden to others and society. It’s attacks like this that make it near impossible for us to live a normal life. Life is hard enough as it is while trying to raise a child with a disability, 24/7 365days a year and no government funding. But then to have to deal with such cruelty, added stress and humilitation is beyond humane.

But we will move forward, with courage, strength and hope; despite adversity, hatred and insensitivety. We are so grateful for those in our lives who support us with their love, compassion and encouragement. It’s those people that help us each day to put one foot in front of the other, without them we could not survive. I am sorry that I have to write such a disturbing blog but I feel exposure is the best and only remedy.

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He Sees The Sparrow Fall

This is my testimony to the power of God in my life. We have just experienced one of the most evil attacks of satan that I have ever experienced in all my life. It left us beaten down, defeated and broken. I am not going to get into all the ugly details of what we encountered, God will take care of all those concerned and His Holy Spirit will convict and trouble those responsible.

I cannot stop, nor help what someone thinks of me. I have so desperately tried to fit in and be the best that I can be. But you see, I’m not perfect, I have made so many mistakes, but I try my best with what I have. I have been judged, backstabbed, the topic of many conversations behind my back and stigmatized because of my mental illness. But I learned something this week, all of that really doesn’t matter. No matter what I do I will never meet up to someone else’s expectation of me. And no matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I’ve been told  I should be working. And yes that  is true, there’s nothing I would rather be doing and for 28 years I worked and owned my own business and loved it. And eight years ago I was told by my doctors that I would never work again. To which I thought was crazy, I’m going to get better I thought. But you know, eight years later and I’m still fighting my mental illness. Fighting to just make it through the day. Fighting to be just okay, fighting to just functin and survive each day as best I can. And take it one day at a time and no more. Yes, you may look at me and judge me from what you see on the outside and yes I probaly look fine but a mental illness is not always visible on the outside and mental illnss can only be seen and felt on the inside. So before you give me my clearance to go back to work, you better have a Phd after your name. I thank God that I am as well as what I am because having a child with a disability  requires, not a 9-5 day job but a 24/7, 365 days a year, full time job. So if you want to judge me, backbite about me-and slander me; I will ask you first to please walk a day in my shoes, in our shoes and then you just MIGHT understand why and how we do what we have to do.

But I prayed and never gave up and last night God intervened. He had to, we were dying and no where to turn. But God is faithful and He was about to show me. All my plans for what I wanted to paint were destroyed, they would never be painted. But God had other plans and yes, God can speak through art if we would just open our eyes. His message came to me loud and clear. Man may think they can destroy you, but God had other plans. So if you have a problem with me, take it up with Him. Because I have tried and I can’t do this myself; I gave it all to Him. I can trust Jesus when life seems like it’s falling apart. So yesterday I got up the courage to go to my art studio and I sat and poured my heart out to God; He was listening and He was watching. And I started on the road that He was leading. He showed me what I  needed to paint and gave me the name of my painting; ‘He Sees The Sparrows Fall’. It’s a painting of two sparrows perched on an outside window ledge, safe and secure. The painting isn’t complete yet but keep following for its unveiling will soon be here.

That night I left my art studio and I felt the presence of God, something I haven’t felt so strongly in a long time. And the words of a song came to me,  but I couldn’t remember the name of  the song, all I could remember was those few words. So I googled the words that I did know and found the song that God had for me and my family and He confirmed to me that He was going to take care of us. I found the song on Youtube and played it; the song is called, ‘I Can Trust Jesus.’ And the first two lines of that song blew my mind!  They are; ‘God picked up a SPARROW that could no  longer fly. He brushed off it’s wounds and then watched it soar into the sky.’ With tears streaming down my face (I reminded myself of being like my Dad), I knew this was no coincidence but the hand of God. The song and my painting were of a sparrow; it confirmed and reminded me that it’s going to be okay, we were going to be okay. And no one was going to seperate us from the love of God. I was again reminded of the verse in the bible that says, (Matthew 10: 29-31) ‘Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows.’

So today my heart is filled with gratitude for His presence and protection in our lives. For without Him, I can do nothing. I knew while we were in this storm, that there was only one answer and it was God and God alone that was going to calm this storm. Or if not , we were surely going to drown. I know so many of you today are going through circumstnces, sickness, loss, trials and tribulations that you feel you will never survive and think there are no answers to. But I’m here to remind you that, ‘You Can Trust Jesus’. I have just proven it over the past few days. I want to leave you with one verse from the bible that says, ‘For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'(Romans 8:38-39 KJV)

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Trusting God When Life Doesn’t Make Sense

How many times have I asked the question; ‘This just doesn’t make sense God?’ Why is this happening to me, to us? What is it you are trying to teach me? What is your purpose? No good can come from this, can it? I have travelled a long, hard road to get where I am today and even today, I stumble and fall, but I know I have to get up again. For the most part, I have learned to let go and to just trust God. Now, is that easy to do? Not at all, it is something I have yet to master, but everyday I’m learning. Taking your life, your family and just giving it all over to God is the hardest thing in the world to do; especially when you have a personality like mine, whereby I have to be in control of my life at all times.

But then trouble comes, life changes and you find yourself totally out of control, life is happening and you are not pulling the strings. Your perfectly controlled world falls apart. And you realize you are not in control at all! It is just terrifying. But yet God is speaking, in that still small voice; ‘trust me even when it’s not making sense!’

I guess you can say it all started back in March 23, 2008, when my Dad died. Why God? It didn’t make sense. I had not come to the place in my relationship with God, that my Dad did. He was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer and was given weeks to live. Our world, our family was loosing the one thing that held us all together. It made no sense! But Dad didn’t look at it like that, to him it made total sense. Either way he looked at it, he was not going to loose this battle. His faith and trust in God was unmovable. He said, ‘I have two options; I will walk out of this hospital an healed man or I will walk those streets of gold and find everlasting peace (paraphrased).’ Well he didn’t loose his battle with cancer, he is now present with the Lord; cancer free! It now makes total sense; death as lost it’s sting. Death is not the end, but the beginning.

Then on July 8, 2008 trouble knocked on our door once again. This is a door I did not want to open, it made no sense. After my Dad’s passing, Lisa and I decided that we wanted to have a baby, maybe even a boy; to carry on the ‘Tucker’ name, a legacy that my father would have been so proud of. So over the next few months we became pregnant and to make a long story short, only to be told at the ER that our baby didn’t make it after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. The moment the doctor spoke those words, ‘our baby didn’t make it’; our world fell apart and God this did not make sense! How could it? Our baby was gone! We felt totally empty, alone, in shock and filled with grief.

After months of grieving the loss of our baby, we decided to try again. This time it did ‘not’ happen. But why not? This made no sense! We were told our only hope would be IVF; In Vitro Fertilization. So being so determined; IVF it was. And once the procedure was complete, we were pregnant again. On March 14,2011 we were blessed with a bouncing baby boy, Logan Kennedy Tucker. He’s now eight years old and hasn’t stopped bouncing since, thank God!

Life was going fairly smoothly and we were enjoying the privilege of being parents. But then around six months after Logan’s birth, trouble knocks again. There is no truer verse of scripture then the one found in John 16:33, ‘ In this world you will have trouble.’ Little did I realize just how much. I started having symptoms of depression; couldn’t sleep, loss of appetite, anxious, sadness, uncontrollable emotion, lost of interest in things I once loved to do, isolation. Before long I was in the depths of despair, a total mental and physical shut down. Why is this happening now? I should be happy, life was at it’s best; I had it all. This just doesn’t make sense. I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression and anxiety disorder. Talk about loosing control of your life, it was totally out of control. I could not work anymore and loss my will to live, I hit rock bottom and could not climb my way back to the life I had. God this doesn’t make sense. God I’m talking to you! Are you listening?

Then in the midst of all my darkness, God sent us an angel of light, a miracle, no IVF, a beautiful baby girl, Lauren Kennedy Tucker, born March 31,2013. I wasn’t improving by no means, as a last resort ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) was my only option, my only hope. But much to my dismay, I did not respond to the treatment. Only getting worse, our lives were spinning out of control. God this doesn’t make sense.

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any tougher. On Lauren’s First birthday, she was diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. God this is not happening, this is making no sense. Here was a father struggling for his life and now our angel was given this life altering diagnosis. We were heartbroken and life once again was spinning out of control. We had control over nothing and when I say nothing, I mean nothing; we were at the mercy of God. We lost everything we owned. Now God, how am I supposed to trust you? But were there any alternatives, any better options? No, we were at the mercy of God, He was all we had and I realized later that He was all we needed. I had to learn to put my total trust in a God, who at the time, I could not feel or see. But that’s where faith comes in and I had to believe that my creator was in control and knows best. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, ‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.’ I had to come to a point where I realized that I was the created, but He was my Creator and He was in control, even when I wasn’t. Trust, I had to trust!

I have had much trouble, not unlike any of you who are reading this, no one is exempt. I felt like Job’s wife in Job2:9 when she said, ‘curse God, and die’. But Job said in Job 13:15 , ‘Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.’ Many times I have felt like God had slayed me, God had forsaken me but I will still trust Him! God is not the problem but the answer. He is God, He knows what He’s doing, He’s in control and He loves us unconditionally. In my troubles He is refining me and teaching me what it is to trust Him even when it doesn’t make sense.

 

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Nothing Short of a Miracle

Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. Many have been the ups and downs, the good and the not so good. The challenges, the uncertainties and the ever changing symptoms of her diagnosis. We have learned to take it one day at a time because we never know what looms around the corner.

Just recently Lauren made her fifth trip to the Children’s Shriners Hospital in Montreal for an assessment (August 12-14,2019). Lauren was assessed for two possible surgeries that could help. One being the Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy and the other the bacolofin pump. If you would like to know more about these surgeries, visit our website at www.harrislisa72.com and read; ‘Lauren’s Walk of Fame’.  After meeting with all of Lauren’s doctors and support team, it was decided that Lauren wasn’t a candidate because of the much improvement in her lack of spasticity. And the purpose for both  surgeries was to release some of Lauren’s spasticity, but as of today, August 13,2019, Lauren’s spasticity was not at a point where she would need either of the two surgeries. Nothing short of a miracle! This was good news; we did not want to have to put Lauren through any more pain and now we are hoping her spasticity stays at a minimal amount where surgery is not necessary.

Lauren’s biggest issue now is her dystonia; which is when a person’s muscles contract uncontrollably. This causes the body to twist involuntarily, resulting in repetitive movements or abnormal postures. She is presently on medication but the doctors in Montreal decided to put her on another medication, plus vitamin B6; both of which they are hoping to improve her dystonia. So ends her fifth visit and it’s back home to Newfoundland in the morning.

The plane landed in St.John’s around 6:45 pm and everyone was exhausted and looking forward to getting settled back home. We grabbed a bite to eat and were anxious to hit the road and get home before dark because of the fear of hitting a moose. Mommy was going to be the pilot for this ‘flight’ home, while Daddy sat in the back seat with Logan and Lauren sitting on each side; in the event that a fight broke out between the two and Daddy could go referee.

But before long, the two were fast asleep. Just like the two little angels that we knew they were. When suddenly Mommy screamed, ‘MOOSE’; brakes, swerve, hit moose, impact, loud bang, stop! My first thoughts were; the van is gone, I knew the kids were okay. I asked Lisa, ‘are you okay?’ She said, ‘yes, I’m fine! My next thought was, she’s in shock and doesn’t know she’s hurt. How could she not be? I heard the impact, I saw the moose; it hit the driver’s side. It made perfect aim for Lisa. But she kept saying, ‘I’m fine.’ The kids were fine; frightened but physically okay.

I told Lisa to call 911 for the police. Then once the kids settled, I got out to make sure the moose wasn’t dead on the highway and would endanger coming traffic. I turned on my cell flashlight and walked back the highway to search for the moose. There was no moose! How could that be, I heard the impact, the collision. The moose had to be dead on the highway, but he was nowhere to be found.

Well I thought, I’ll go back and see what’s left of the van. With my flashlight in hand, I scanned the front of the van, there was nothing! I was in disbelief and awe; the van was in one piece. How could this be? I heard, I felt the impact; this van was supposed to be demolished and all I saw was a broken side mirror, small cracks in the driver’s side windshield and a few minor scratches. UNBELIEVABLE!

I was reminded of the bible story of the three Hebrew men who were thrown into a fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar, when they refused to bow down to the King’s image. And when the King looked into the furnace he said, ‘Did we not throw three men in the furnace, but I see four walking unharmed in the flames’. He looked in disbelief, he could not believe what he was seeing. And that was exactly how I felt when I looked at the front of that van, it was basically unharmed and so were it’s passengers. A miracle? I believe!

I will end this blog by simply repeating the words of this song, “To God Be The Glory, Great Things He Hath Done!”

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Going Outside The Will Of God

This is a quote I read the other day, sounds great when you don’t stop and think about it but when you do stop to think, it isn’t what you expect at all. The quote says, ‘If you knew how He (Jesus) can take away all that bitterness, that sorrow, that hurt, that depression, anxiety’.

To begin and I will state right from the beginning that I believe Jesus ‘can’ do all these things. But does Jesus do all these things? NO, He didn’t promise that if we came to Him all these things would be taken away. If that were the case we would have a sweeping revival flow over this earth. Who wouldn’t want to be free of all these things? I sure would. I have suffered depression and anxiety all my life. I believe beyond a shadow of doubt that God can do that. But does he always? No, that’s not the way it works. Jesus said in John 16:33, ‘I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble (there is no doubt about it; Christian/Non Christian, we will still have trouble, sickness, trials and hurts). ‘But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ He promised to never leave us, or forsake us, no matter what situation we find ourselves in.

Psalm 46:1 ‘God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble (there will be trouble).

Romans 5:3-5 ‘But we glory in tribulations.

James 1: 2-4 Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials (bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression, anxiety) , know that the testing of your faith produces endurance.

But God did promise that He would be with us in our trials; He didn’t promise to take them away. Isaiah 41:10 ‘So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand’.

Isaiah 43:2 (World English Bible) ‘When you pass through the water’s, I will be with you: and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will  not be burned, an flame will not scorch you.’ God did not say we will not have to pass through the waters, rivers, walk through fire. But He did promise to be with us.

To say that God takes away ‘all’ bitterness, sorrow, hurt, depression and anxiety; is in my belief giving so many people false hope. And  making God out to be the ‘Genie in a bottle’. If we come to Christ it doesn’t make everything bad go away. Bad things still happen to good people. That statements also implies that if those things aren’t  taken away then there is something wrong with you the person, because Jesus is supposed to take away all that stuff. It is not our place to decide what God heals us from, that is His decision and yet there are so many who make themselves out to be God and speak for God, when that is not their place. God has a reason, a plan and purpose for everything and no one else can decide that for Him.

Because I still struggle with depression and anxiety doesn’t mean that God is not a big part of my life. It’s His ever abiding presence that have brought me thus far and WILL lead me on. And for somebody to even suggest otherwise hasn’t struggled with a mental illness or hasn’t had a child in a wheelchair. I will not tell my child that Jesus is going to make her walk, when I don’t know that, it may be in God’s will that Lauren remain in that wheelchair but I do know that God will never leave her alone in that wheelchair and He has great plans for her life, whether she’s walking or not. I may struggle with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life and if that’s what HE decides; I have no choice but to fully trust in Him. It’s not only about trusting God in the good times (that’s so easy) but it’s also about trusting Him in the bad times, that’s when your faith is really tested. And I can honestly say, ‘I still trust Jesus!’ Despite everything, I still trust Him. If those all knowing Christians just walked a mile in my shoes, would they be so quick to judge, condemn and shun. Jesus may have all the answers but I think sometimes they may not be the answers we were expecting.

I just pray daily for His strength, grace, mercy and wisdom to ‘know’ (I may not always feel, but I don’t live by feelings but by faith) that we are in the will of God. And at times, being in the will of God is not always the easy path but God WILL  provide strength that we need to pass through the waters, through the rivers and to walk through the fire.

 

 

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“Battered n’ Worn”

I have recently completed a painting called, ‘Battered n’ Worn’ (view on my Facebook Page: ‘Harris’ Artistic Designs’). It depicts a scene of an old, weather beaten shed and an overturned ‘punt’ that had seen better days. And the boisterous sea just uncaringly raging in the background. While I was engrossed in the actual painting of the scene itself, I really didn’t give much thought to what I would name the painting or what the painting was actually trying to say to me; not until it was competed! And then I stepped back and viewed it from a distance, it really told the story of my life and how I was actually feeling right at that moment. I had painted my life and it was ‘Battered n’ Worn’.

I have fought this crippling, disabling sea of depression and anxiety for far too long and it was starting to show. That along with ALL of the other winds and weather, had left me battered and worn. I was and is feeling much like that deserted, weather beaten shed; ready to crumble if I had to withstand just one more storm. How much can one withstand before the storms of life just leave you battered and worn; before the shed can take no more and just eventually crumbles beneath the beatings of the storms of it’s life.

If the only battle I had to fight was for my mental health, then maybe I could withstand that. But when the storms of life, and they are many, come beating you down and the winds are taking you off your feet, the rain as saturated your skin, right to the bones. The cold, cold air as left you numb, the raging sea is pulling you down into it’s clutches and you are drowning, gasping, gasping, gasping for air.

But you cannot keep a good ma down, no matter what others may think or say about you; you forgive and move on. You get up and dust yourself off, and we have had to do this many a times, and keep moving on.

One such battle that we have fought and I believe now is the time to let the world know how Lauren was discriminated against by Skate Canada, Skate NL and the CBNSC. I will give them the benefit of the doubt that it may not have been intentional but as defined by Human Rights: ‘Intention to discriminate is not a requirement to a finding of discrimination’. The full story can be found on our website: www.harrislisa72.com called, ‘I Want To Skate Like ‘Bruddy”. But the story doesn’t end there. I filed a complaint with the Human Rights Commission and won the right to file a ‘formal complint’ against Skate Canada NL. This was no easy journey, filled with anxiety, fear and intimidation. You see, Skate Canada (on behalf of Skate NL and CBNSC) hired a lawyer to fight their battles (an intimidation tactic I’m sure, hoping we would back off, not a chance). I followed through with the Human Rights procedure in settling this injustice.

This is what we were offered to keep our mouths shut and not proceed any further. Sadly to say, we could not proceed any further because we did not have the money to obtain legal counsel of our own and I could not fight anymore. But this is what we were offered and I am quoting Skate Canada’s lawyer, ‘My client is prepared to pay the sum of $2000.00 in settlement of this matter. These funds would be paid in exchange for a release which acknowledges no admission of liability on the part of my client. A condition of the proposed settlement is a confidentiality agreement. This proposal would not see the provision of an apology on the part of my client’. Obviously we did not accept the ‘bribe’ and because we really could not pay for a lawyer, we had to withdraw the complaint.

Did we lose? Not at all. First of all we did pass the requirements and was awarded an ‘Official Complaint with the Human Rights Commission’. That was the first hurdle and we leaped that one, without any problem. We knew we had a legitimate complaint. And although we had no admission of guilt on either of the three clubs involved; we ourselves knew by their actions of hiring a lawyer and offering money for a confidentiality agreement, that we had won.

I write this because it is not Lauren’s Cerebral Palsy that we are fighting against but an everyday fight for her rights as an equal, inclusive and accepted little girl that needs to live a happy life, in spite of the injustices, the stigma, the unfairness and lack of compassion that is still prevalent in our so-called ‘Society’ today. And this is just one example of what we have to deal with on a day to day basis. And yet we have to stay strong because the challenges that come with Cerebral Palsy alone is enough to ‘break’ any man or woman!

So today as battered and worn has we may feel, we will fix up that old shed and polish ourselves off and lift our heads high and be proud parents, that want nothing more then for their children to have the best life possible; against all odds. And we will not give up the fight, we are going to brush ourselves off and start again. It’s not a choice, we have to do it, if we are going to survive the raging storms in our  lives!