Category: Life

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Today is a ‘GOOD’ Day

Ten years have flown by since my mental breakdown in 2012. And for those years I cannot recall having what I could say was a ‘good’ day. Everyday was a struggle, everyday a fight, everyday a battle to just survive.

The past couple of months had me in a frenzy, I was in a state of panic, a fear that I was getting worse or even on the brink of a relapse. I knew I had done everything possible to keep my mental health at a functioning level but I realized I was loosing this war once again.  And I was heading back to hell but I was determined never to go there again.

So I took matters into my own hands and realized what I had to do at this point to prevent a relapse. I wasted no time in making an appointment to see my doctor. I sat in her office and unleashed my bent up emotions and talked to her about every thought that was causing my brain to race like an hamster on a spinning wheel; running but going nowhere. She listened with an undivided attention, soaking in every word. She was listening!

Once I was done my ‘speech’ and looked at her with the eyes of a dying puppy; she knew I needed help, I was desperate. My heavy eyes told a story of horror and hopelessness. But she reassured me that it was going to be okay, that there was hope. Her advice to me was to first start by increasing my mirtazapine, which I had no objection to. Nothing else was working for me and I was totally helpless, drowning in a sea of despair. But this was going to be my first plan of attack; to increase one of my medications.

Two weeks went by, I felt nothing, no change either way. I knew deep down that this wasn’t working. After a little over three weeks I could take it no more, something else had to be done. Once again I made a virtual appointment to talk to my doctor again. She knew before I could even tell  her that this wasn’t the answer. The next tool from her toolbox was to add another antidepressant (Abilify) to my already existing maxed out Effexor; I was at the maximum dose that a patient could take. So she decided to cautiously try me on a very low dosage (2mg) of Abilify. I hung up the phone and prayed to God to please let this one give me at least a little relief; a little was better then none at all.

To my amazement and optimistic anticipation, I felt something that I haven’t felt in years. I was and still am afraid to get my hopes up, to be hopeful because I have had my hopes shattered so many times over the past years. I will take this one day at a time. If I get a good day here and a good day there, then I’ll take it.  Anything is better then what I had lived with for the past ten years. But this medication seems different, almost like nothing I experienced before. It has settled my racing mind, maybe even giving me a feeling of hopefulness. But deep down I’m scared, scared that this is not going to last, that it is all just wishful thinking. But I  pray I’m wrong and this medication really is going to be my miracle, my light in the darkness, my sunshine in the rain.

Even if this reprieve doesn’t last, I will remember this short but amazing sense of freedom from my mind, even if it’s only for a few weeks. My heart is filled with so much gratitude and thankfulness that my cup overflows. Is my days of fighting this horrible illness over? I don’t know but today I’m having a ‘GOOD’ day and as the tears flow down my face, for once they are tears of joy. Like any illness, we are never guaranteed a complete cure; there is always the fear of it’s ugly return. But for today I’m having a ‘good’ day!

 

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My Untamed Mind

It’s mid afternoon on a beautiful sunny day; I’ve been tortured ever since my eyes were opened to this new day. I knew something was different about today, something more then usual. I felt scared, scared of what? Scared of my own mind and where it was taking me! Most days I can control my thoughts, but not today. My mental illness, my depression, my thorn in the flesh had unleashed its fury and I was in for a fight. A fight that I was afraid I would not win!

My feet hit the floor , I assumed position, knowing I had to face another day. But what was so bad about the day? I was alive, I had a great family, life could be a lot worse but my mind didn’t care about all the good stuff. It only wanted me to see the bad, the ugly, the dark and scary stuff. I tried with all that was within me to distract my dark thoughts but they were winning and I was afraid of where I was heading. Was this going to be a place that I could not pull myself out of. A place that I had no control over.

I hid my shame, my weakness, my fear. On the inside I was a wreak, fighting again this lion within. While on the outside I was a picture of health, a ball of energy, as I meticulously manicured the lawn; just like ‘normal’ people do. But I was feeling anything but normal as I tried my best to be just okay.

There seemed to be no end , the dark , distorted thoughts were holding my mind captive and I just could not escape. No amount of distractions could free me, even for a moment. Were these the same thoughts that invaded the mind of the young lady who tried desperately to take her life but did not succeed or the young man who felt he had no other options left but to end this hell, once and for all. I can’t say I don’t understand why they would do such a thing. I would be the last to pass judgement, the last to question why?

I am so sick and tired of this mind disorder, so tired of this chronic, hellish torment. Hate is not a strong enough word to describe what I feel toward this illness. It is the only illness I know of that steals your desire to live; you live in a body that the mind is trying to kill, a slow, silent death. It sucks your will to live out of you, to a point where life means nothing to you anymore. It makes me angry because someone with cancer are fighting for their life but someone with severe depression is just wanting to die!

I want to live life to the fullest, surviving is not living and when you suffer a mental illness; that’s all you are doing, just surviving. Major depression has taken so much from me, it has stripped me of my self worth, my confidence, my zest for life, my memories and time that I will never get back. And for that, I hate depression, I hate what it has done to me. But I still fight every day, no matter how exhausting, I will fight til I can fight no more. Never giving up hope that one day I will tame this beast of my mind! Hope is what keeps me going, hope is what gives me the will to fight.

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Goodbye 2021

To say this year has been a little challenging is an understatement, let’s make that the last couple of years! I sit here next to our Christmas tree and ponder, just how we made it this far. Life has thrown more curve balls at us then I care to remember. But you know what? We are still here! Together and still standing!

For whatever reason it seems like Christmas is a time for reminiscing. A time to reflect over the year that is about to close and hopefully look toward the new year with anticipation, hope and optimism; that this year will be better.

I won’t lie and pretend this was the best year of my life but neither was it the worse. I still struggled with mental illness, Lauren still endured many challenges, Logan was your typical little boy and knew he had a special place in our little family. And Mommy had to fight many of life’s obstacles with strength she didn’t even know she had. There were many days we wondered how we could survive when we felt many times that life itself was swallowing us up and we could barely keep going. But we did! And we will!

I believe one of the most challenging and consuming evils that has controlled our world and lives was not necessarily Covid itself but the diverse attitudes of hate and divisions it devoured our world with. It was not treated as the universal pandemic and health crisis that it really was but it became a platform for political and human rights protests that it was never intended to be. We are fighting for our lives, it’s nothing political but everything about ending this worldwide health crisis once and for all. This evil has divided our world, crushed our nations and destroyed families; not with the virus itself but by the distorted ‘facts’ of a corrupt world. The vaccines are NOT poison but a defence against a virus that can and have killed millions. It’s time for it all to stop and only us as a nation, a world, that realizes we need to turn to God, who alone can destroy this evil that it has become!

Now we settle into another winter of uncertainty and uneasiness, because none of us know what this next variant will bring, only time will tell. Maybe we should be like the bears and hibernate until this whole mess is over and awake to Spring’s new life, new hope. So let’s say goodbye to 2021 and welcome 2022 with a new hope, a fresh start, a new beginning!

 

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Define Depression

Over the past few years I have written enough blogs on the subject of depression and anxiety to fill a book, and yet I still feel I haven’t adequately defined it. I guess the only real way to understand what depression is, is to experience it for yourself and you really don’t want to do that. It differs from one person to the other and ranges from mild to major symptoms. We really can’t compare my experience with mental illness to someone else’s.

I have used many analogies to try and define what it felt like to live with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. They all give you a better understanding of this illness. I wanted to share a post that popped up on my newsfeed today, it was quite interesting, so I thought I’d share it with you.

This is so true for someone who suffers from major depression. Your body is so exhausted and tired of fighting the raging thoughts in your head, that all your head wants is to die. The never ending torture makes life not worth living; well that’s what your distorted mind is telling you.

But there is hope and it’s not rocket science; you can take control of your thoughts to a certain degree, at least to a place where life doesn’t seem so unbearable as you thought. Thoughts are just that; thoughts. They cannot harm you unless you allow them to, you don’t always have to believe every thought that comes into your head. When you are fighting this mental illness, your mind is producing thoughts that are distorted and untrue; so don’t always believe your own mind. Your best defence is to realize which thoughts are distorted and which are not; not always easy to do but you can do it. It could save your life! Talk to yourself, tell yourself you are going to get through this, it will not last forever. Be gentle with yourself, do whatever it takes to get well and only you know what that is. Go for a short walk not a marathon, listen to some of your favourite music, take a nap if you need it and don’t feel guilty about doing so or just watch a funny tv show. Or just sing in the shower or bath. These are the little things and that’s where you have to start; baby steps.

With the holly, jolly season approaching it can throw us for a loop. Christmas can bring up so many different feelings and emotions; all not jolly and bright! I really have an hard time during Christmas, it’s expected of us to be an Hallmark fantasy movie; where all is merry and bright. But when you suffer from a mental illness, that is so far from how you are really feeling, maybe even quite the opposite. And with that comes much guilt, shame, anger toward yourself for not feeling the spirit of Christmas that is so expected of you. But if you are just not feeling it, that’s okay, just do what you can and that’s all is required.

I may never see the day when I am totally free of this hateful illness but there’s one thing I know and that is; I WILL NEVER LOSE HOPE! Hope is what gets me through the day, hope is what gets me out of bed, hope is what pushes me to enjoy life as best I can while fighting this horrible illness. And you can to, I believe in you , life is worth living; no matter what our broken mind is telling us.

 

 

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A Fresh Start

Where as the last six years gone? They say,”time flies when you’re having fun.”  But I say, “time flies whether you’re having fun or not.” Time is one thing we have no control over. It’s been six years since we moved from St.John’s to Bay Roberts, in some ways that seems like eternity and in  other ways it seems like yesterday. But it’s time to move on, life has been so unkind to us here, no fault of the people and Town of Bay Roberts; it’s a beautiful place to live. It’s almost like the “universe” is telling us, “you’re done here, it’s time to move on.” So on August 3,2021 we are moving, I believe it’s what our family needs; a fresh start!

When we moved here on April, 2015 it wasn’t a good time in our lives, so we got off to an already stress filled, anxiety provoking and an uncertain future; that we had no control over. We had lost control of our lives and frantically trying to put the pieces back together. Little did we realize what was in store for us. The pieces of our lives were not being put back together but obstacles, events and illness would still pull us further apart. We would encounter more attacks and painful  situations, then I would have ever experienced in all my lifetime combined. I won’t elaborate on any of those painful, controlling and disrespectful events because I feel we are trying desperately to put them in the past and to keep them there. And when we leave, we will symbolically leave them here, we will brush the dust off our feet, we will not take them with us. We deserve so much better and this new chapter in our lives will be a fresh start for our family.

What I will elaborate on is the present condition of my mental illness or my mental health. It’s difficult to have fairly good mental health when you are constantly being thrown into the den of lions; a very toxic environment. Not a place for someone trying to heal from a broken mind. It was like adding fuel to the fire. If I were to improve, I have to physically move to a new land. There were no options. There were just too many triggers, to ever even come close to living a “normal “ life. And that wasn’t going to happen here.

I am/was constantly judged by my outward or physical appearance. “He’s not sick, he doesn’t even look sick.” And this is one of the dangers of this illness; you don’t always see it! Are the only people that are sick, the ones who appear outwardly to show signs and symptoms that the eye could see? No, my illness was from deep within my mind, a place that the eye could not see. And I have become a master of hiding what I didn’t want others to see. What I was feeling and what others were seeing were two totally different pictures. And I had no obligation to expose my mental health to no one, except my own family; my mother, my wife and my two children (who I tried not to let see me at my worse). But even today I struggle and live one day at a time.

Mental illness is such an unforgiving illness. It’s so misunderstood, stigmatized and misjudged; that even today, it’s sufferers would rather hide it and suffer alone. I do many days because even today I feel ashamed and far from normal. Days when I feel I am not even worthy to live. Too sick, too tired and too alone to belong. That I am so different, that I’m not like ‘normal’ people; I just don’t fit in anymore. But yet I yearn to live a life that’s even a little normal. Mental illness has stolen so much from us. There are days when I am not fully present but pre occupied deep within my mind. My illness has not been a once in a lifetime occurrence but a lifetime of living with someone I do not even know or at times not even like.

Not only have my mental illness stolen from me but it has cost my family so much. My wife lost her husband on that day I had my last relapse (8 years ago). I became someone with no personality, no feelings, numb, trapped inside my mind; a person she no longer recognized. My children were deprived many times of a father. I was too sick to even play the part. But after years of fighting, counselling, therapy, medications; I gradually returned to someone similar to who I once was. I now give what I have, not at all meeting up to my expectations of what I should be but I work with what I have. I try not to dwell on what mental illness has stolen from me but I build on what I have left.

So in just 10 more days we will move to our new home, our new life. My only prayer is that God will go with us and bless us. May this be a new beginning, a light in the darkness, a new hope; A FRESH START!    

 

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Life’s ‘Unfair’ Path

How do I put into words what my heart and mind are yearning to express? Life is certainly different for all of us. Some people appear to have it all together and life for them seems to just happen, just ‘living the dream’. Then for others it seems ‘it never rains but it pours’. It’s one thing after another and life could be so difficult and unfair at times. Sometimes I wish we all could experience a little down time. A time when we could just relax a little, enjoy life a little without being constantly tormented by worry, uncertainty and hard times.

Don’t  get me wrong, I certainly wouldn’t begrudge anyone a life of ease. A life that is absent of difficulty or effort. But sometimes I wonder why some people have to go through so much and others seem to escape the hardships of life. But the reality is that sometime throughout life we all have to face circumstances, heartache and hardships. No one is exempt, sometimes it just seems that way. Take for instance that mother who is so desperately fighting cancer and trying to convince herself that she can’t let this monster take her life; her kids are depending on her. But yet still in the end, she loses her battle and can fight no more. Where’s the fairness in that? Tell that to the husband who comes home and finds a note on the table from his wife of twenty years, that she’s left for greener pastures. The loss, betrayal, broken promises that drowns his spirit is just too overwhelming; where’s the fairness in that? Then tell that to the parents who had to lay their only son to rest, after a death by suicide. Where’s the fairness in that? There’s no doubt about it, life can be tough. But we cannot be consumed by it or life would become a mere existence and not a life at all.

The last several years have been anything but easy for us. The challenges, uncertainties, sickness, death, struggles; have nearly left us suffocated but we are still here, still fighting to survive. Never in a million years would I have thought life would be what it is today. There are days when we just have to say, life is so unfair, so cruel and times when we have to wonder, ‘where is God’? I don’t think we would be human if we didn’t feel days of defeat and hopelessness. I am not comparing our lives to anyone else’s, nor am I saying that our situation is worse then someone else’s. But no matter what the pain, what the hurt, that we are experiencing; it’s just as real to us as what others are enduring. There is no measuring scale for life’s pain, no matter what it might be.

It was just today I had a wonderful telephone conversation with my brother and I shared some of the things that we were dealing with in our own lives. And he asked the question, “How do you do it?” I could find no other answer other then, there has to be a God, even on days when my faith is small, even on days when I have to question God and wonder where is the fairness in all of this. I still have to believe that tomorrow is going to be better; that was my Dad’s way of looking at rough times, that God will ‘provide a way of escape’. That things will get better.  His phone call was at a time when I really needed to talk to someone, the week was filled with so much discouragement. I shared with him how just yesterday I was sitting at the table having supper, I was just sitting there watching Lauren eating her’s. She was feeling around her Minnie Mouse plate with her tiny fingers, searching for her food. My heart skipped a beat as I realized she wasn’t seeing with her eyes but her hands. Her severe vision impairment, which I prefer to call it, was more then I could bare. Please tell me where the fairness is in that!? But on ‘good days’ I believe that God is in control, He knows best, even in my wavering unbelief.

I want to encourage those today who have walked down life’s ‘unfair’ path and have questioned God. Don’t feel guilty, God understands your hurt, your pain and your questions. Believe, even when you feel you have nothing left, when you feel you have hit rock bottom, He’s there. Hope, when hope seems that it’s nowhere to be found, it’s still there. You can find it! It’s what keeps us moving forward.

 

 

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Because He Lives I Can Face Today

I awakened with that ever abiding voice of depression. I pushed myself out of bed, not because I was lazy and didn’t want to get out but I was paralyzed, disabled by my broken mind. The thoughts of facing the day scared me to death. How can I do this again?  Can’t this just stop, can’t I just live a ‘normal’ life for a change. I dragged myself to the kitchen table with my caffeine fix in my hand and threw myself onto the chair. My head was in a total fog. I looked at my wife and said, “Can’t I just have one good day?’ But I knew it wasn’t going to be today. To wake up every morning and have this overwhelming weight of the world on my shoulders, I was exhausted even before my day began.

We just celebrated the Easter season, a time of victory, joy and celebration for the Christian. A time when Jesus provided for all humanity the only way to the Father, that being the shedding of His blood. Romans 10:9 ‘If thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shall believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.’ Having a mental illness has taken away the ability for me to fully experience the joyous feeling of the resurrection but I have learned that I now live by what I ‘know’, not what I ‘feel’. 2 Timothy 1:12 ‘For I ‘KNOW’ whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day’.

It’s very difficult for me to sing the song, ‘Because He lives I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone.’ I would be lying if I said there were times that I am not fearful. Because there are times I am fearful.  I’m fearful of my mental illness and what it can do to me and my family, the fear of a total relapse of my illness, the fear of Lauren’s ever changing health, not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring forth. But I try not to let my thoughts go to tomorrow. I live one day at a time and this morning the thought came to me and it’s pertaining to this song, ‘Because He Lives.’ But for me , who lives with a broken mind, I can say with confidence, ‘Because He lives I can face today’. We are not promised tomorrow so I try not to go there but live today; one minute, one hour, one day at a time. This I know to be true!

I know there are so many out there who feel they can’t go on, life is too much, God wouldn’t have anything to do with me. Don’t believe that, God takes us just as we are, in our brokenness , our messed up minds, our addictions, our broken marriages, our hurts, our abuse, our fears; He takes us just as we are. When we feel we’re a nobody, a nothing, useless, ugly, unlovable human being; He loves us. We are never alone, even when we feel God is nowhere to be found (I know the feeling, I won’t lie), He is right there, standing somewhere in the shadows you’ll find Jesus. He’s the one who always cares and understands. When others have turned their backs on us and we feel all alone, He is there. “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you”.

You may ask, ‘why do I bring God into the picture when it comes to my mental illness?’ Because I believe the first step to any level of recovery is, we have to admit to ourselves that we have an illness and that we are powerless over it. This is one battle that we cannot fight alone. That is why we need to turn to a Power greater then ourselves, to help us survive this hellish illness. Much like the second step in the AA Program for alcohol addiction. As with any other chronic or terminal illness, we need to turn to a spiritual power that is able to strengthen and walk us through our journey. It’s then we realize that we are not in control, in our own strength we could never make it. Let’s just put things into perspective; when we know we have no where else to turn and we are at a dead end; I believe we quickly realize who we have to turn to. And guess what? He’s there waiting; waiting for you! God is not he enemy, He’s the answer. No matter where you’ve been, no matter what you’ve done, God loves you!

In spite of my constant fight to survive this battlefield in my mind, I still live my best life with what I have and not dwell on what I don’t have. Hoping that today will be a better day and one day I will find peace again, peace of mind.

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Our Reality

For the past fifty-six years now, I’ve attended the Academy of Life. And throughout these years I hope to think I’ve learned a thing or two about life itself. Many have been the ups and the downs, the joys and the sorrows, the good and the bad, the happy and the sad; you get the idea, sometimes life seems like a roller coaster ride and you just want to stop and get off. I can’t take this anymore, I’ve had enough. But we keep going, it’s life, we did not create our own reality. So we live life to the best of our ability with what we have.

So what do I mean when I say, ‘we did not create our own reality’. It most commonly means that we didn’t create the world in which we live, and this includes how we think and feel. We certainly live in a society that definitely tries to convince us that this is not true (and I respect that). But from my own life experiences, I find this to be my truth. No matter how I used the ‘power of positive thinking’ or ‘like attracts like’ (The Secret). Everything in my life didn’t come falling into my lap. If that were the case nothing bad would ever happen to us and we know that is not true. And then there are others who might interpret this to mean that if you think negative thoughts, bad things will happen (or think positive thoughts and good things will happen). Yes we can think both negative and positive thoughts but they will not dictate our reality. My thoughts, due to my mental illness, are sometimes distorted, lack of concentration, losing train of thought, memory loss; all which lead me to a disabling reality. So in short, it suggests that by controlling your thoughts, you can control your destiny. When in fact I am not always in control of my thoughts because if I were there would be no room for negative thinking. So I could ‘try’ to think positive thoughts but that is not being realistic, neither is it being a pessimist. Sometimes I feel we have a tendency to brush the negative thoughts under the rug because we just don’t want to deal with them. And by doing so they will just go away. I think not! It’s our way of coping.

There is a ‘LITTLE’ truth to this idea that we create our own reality. For example, if we’re looking for negative things all the time, sure enough, we will find them. Or, if we look for the positive, we will find it too. Therefore, we do have some control over that for which we look.

That said, the overall statement is hogwash!

What you think does not control what happens to you. Some people have very bad lives for absolutely no reason. They did not ‘think’ incorrectly nor is there anything wrong with their character. Similarly, some people have great lives for no reason. These people are not superior; they don’t ‘think’ in a better way, lets just say they are luckier.

Now I better back up with what I just said with some proof. Take a child who is starving to death in a third world country. That child did nothing wrong. That child cannot think their way out of their situation. That child will die, not through any fault of their own. They will die because life is cruel at times and unfair and they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Me on the other hand was not born in a third world country. I was born in Canada, a fairly rich country. That doesn’t make me better than the child in the third world country. But it sure gave me an advantage over the child in the third world country and I did nothing to deserve it. Guess I was just luckier?

The people that think they can create their own reality, are people with good realities. They seem to think they did something ‘right’ to manifest these realities. We all have to take responsibility for our own lives; we have to do what we can with what we have. You might be fortunate enough to be born  into a rich family, you did nothing to make that happen.

Where am I going with all of this you may ask? Well, I was born with a mental illness. I have spent years of my life in a life-threating depression. There is no amount of thinking that could free me from this prison. And there is no amount of thinking that can get people out of all the horrible, unfair illnesses and life circumstances that strike people. So please stop blaming people for their own realities. I am not to blame for my own reality. I did not ask for this illness, no more then Lauren asked to be born with cerebral palsy. Your life could be going along wonderfully and then something terrible happens and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, it’s out of our control.

So while we don’t create our own reality, we do deal with reality in the best way we can. Life is not always easy, or smooth going, it’s certainly not always in our control. No matter what we are facing today, we can’t give up but we have to keep going and one day we will reach the finish line, supposedly we have to crawl, we will make it!

 

 

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I’m Just Tired

I’ve stated before in previous blogs that writing is therapy, there is a sense of unloading your mind of your ugly thoughts. So if that’s the case, I better start writing because my mind is in a scary place. I want to run, run for my life but where would that bring me? At a dead end! I need to write not just for me but for those who don’t have a voice, those who are screaming in silence. I write to help others understand to some degree; the horrors of this disease and to emphasize that this is a disease, an illness. And that it’s a very dangerous one at that and should never be taken lightly.

Those who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illness know all too well the disabling and crippling effects of this illness. Mental illness has the power to destroy and kill lives. And that is why medical attention is a must to survive this illness. Medication and other therapies may not be a cure but they certainly aid in coping with a mental illness and give hope to an illness that seems hopeless. An illness that destroys your will to live. That would be the most important statement that I could write that would sum up this illness called depression. It’s so important I think I need to repeat it again, ‘An illness that destroys your will to live.’ I know because I have been there many times.

Now here I am in the middle of a second wave of covid-19; a province in lockdown, a province in panic, a province in uncertainty. And here I am fighting to get through each day, with a virus that is playing havoc on my mind. My mental illness doesn’t do well in the best of times but throw a pandemic into my already out of control world and it makes for some really rough days. Try has I must to carry on, to live a normal life as possible. And so many days I fail, I just can’t rise above this illness, some days it wins. Days when fatigue takes over, tired of fighting, days when you just don’t want to participate in life anymore. Just getting through the day is a gigantic accomplishment. No matter how hard you try to be positive, to be happy, to live; you cannot force what is not there. I came across this quote today and it really sums up the kind of day I was having. “When people ask, ‘are you okay?’ And you say, ‘I’m just tired’. Yeah. Tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of coping, tired of existing, tired of breathing, tired of living. I’m just done.”

Yet deep down inside I know I’m not done. Tomorrow will be a better day. I will keep trying, I will keep hoping, I will keep coping, I will keep existing, I will keep breathing, I will keep living. I will not give up. I cannot give up. I will find a way. Although today my depression told me otherwise but I will not listen, I will turn a deaf ear and keep fighting. No matter how rough the day, no matter the burden that I bare, the weight that I carry, I will not give up. Please help me God!

The reality of this illness is there is no cure. I cannot change that  no more then a person with cancer can change their illness. But we fight to live the best life we can with what we have. And many times that just doesn’t seem like very much. Days when it takes all that is within us to just move, days when we just want to hide from the world; when we feel so inadequate, impatient and lost. Sometimes I know I’m too hard on myself, when really I should give myself a little credit. I am a survivor and so are you! 

 

 

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Covid19 And My Mental Health

Will the ‘restrictions’ of Covid19 kill me before Covid19 does? Don’t get me wrong I know we have to abide by these restrictions and they are put in place for our good, for our protection. And I will follow these restrictions for myself and also for the safety of others.

But having said that, coming from someone who suffers from a mental illness; how am I going to survive? Because right now I have days where I feel I am loosing the battle. Every restriction that is in place are restrictions that trigger my depression and anxiety. I believe this pandemic is difficult even for someone who has good mental health. But those who suffer mental illness; this caged, confined, imprisoned pandemic, would make one worry and wonder if you can survive this hellish existence.

I have no problem in wearing a facemask, I believe it’s the selfless thing to do; if it makes us a little uncomfortable, I think we can tolerate that, especially if it meant protecting someone who is autoimmune comprised or vulnerable. Sometimes we just have to do the right thing and wear a mask, if not for ourselves, then do it for others. I know there are some who just cannot wear a mask because of medical reasons and therefore they have a medical exemption from their doctor. I do believe these people should really limit their outings around others. One for their own protection and two, for the protection of everyone else. To my disbelief there are still those who just blatantly refuse to wear it. Their reasoning; they just don’t want to live their life in ‘fear’. I think sometimes we need a little healthy fear and abide by the restrictions that the Health Care Professionals put in place for our protection. I believe that someone who refuses to wear a mask are just being selfish, careless and inconsiderate of others. I certainly don’t feel that all those who are wearing a mask are living in fear but they just have a lot of common sense. So I will ‘suck it up’ and wear my mask without complaint, it’s the least I can do.

I know right now the media, example ‘Bell Let’s Talk’, are encouraging those who are finding the stress and anxiety of the  pandemic is affecting their mental health and they are finding life very difficult. And I totally agree, talking is great therapy and is certainly a means to help each other through these tough days. But I guess there are sometimes, exceptions to every rule. Just yesterday, I was having a really tough day, how I was feeling was unexplainable but it was not good. I was desperately fighting to just cope, to just survive the day. And talking to someone was the last thing I wanted to do; I just wanted to close the door on everyone and just crawl inside myself. I know this was not right but talking wasn’t on the top of my list of coping. So, don’t do as I do but do as I say and talk to someone!

I believe the most trigger provoking restriction of this whole pandemic is, social distancing/living in a bubble.  Not being able to spend time with friends and not having a social life is just killing me. The things that once I took for granted, I now crave to do. Just being able to go to the grocery store and smile at the passing customers or stopping and having a chat to a friend we just bumped into. And then just not being able to hug those we meet. Those little things aren’t little anymore, they play havoc on our mental health, even when we don’t realize they are. But for me, getting out, socializing, interacting with others, sharing with others, were all therapy for my mental health. Those were things I desperately craved to help bring me through my dark days. But because of this pandemic I am very limited to what I can do.

We are so blessed here in Newfoundland and Labrador compared to others parts of Canada and the World. But we certainly can’t afford to let our guard down. It’s because of our abiding to the restrictions of Covid19, that I believe have helped to flatten the curve and keep our numbers down. So thanks to our Government and Health Care Professionals for doing such an amazing job. I believe our protection and well being were their top priority and they have to be commended.

One day, hopefully, we will be able to look back on this nightmare and thank God that it did not kill us but we survived. My heart goes out to the tens of thousands that have died because of this deadly virus; worldwide. To those we will never forget, to the families who are still grieving their loss, beyond sad! Even to this very day, we are far from being home free! Still this pandemic sweeps through the earth and taking thousands of lives with it. One day, just one day, maybe just CA one day, we will be free again. I believe we will never be the same again, in this generation, but we will learn once again to live a ‘New Normal’.