Category: Life

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Wear Red

It’s National AccessAbility Week (NAAW) 2024, May 26-June 1 and is a nationwide week of recognition that celebrates the many social, economic and cultural achievements of persons with disabilities. The theme for this year is: “Forward Together: Accessibility and Inclusion for All”. Then there’s the Red Shirt Day, this is an Easter Seals initiative and was first celebrated in 2019. It takes place on the Wednesday of NAAW each year. Red Shirt Day for accessibility and inclusion is a day when people across Canada come together and wear red to create a visible display of solidarity to show their support for disabled people and their families, celebrate the achievements of disabled Canadians and to pledge their commitment to help create a fully accessible and inclusive society.

This is all wonderful and we so appreciate this nationwide week of recognition. But we are not living in a perfect world and sometimes, more then not, this world can be cruel, discriminating, judgmental and uncaring. Accessibility and inclusion are for the most part not at the forefront of our society. We can say this because Lauren as been the recipient of such injustices on many occasions. The minute Lauren steps foot outside our door, or should I say, ‘the wheels of her wheelchair’; then the reality of just how inaccessible and non-inclusive our society and system really are. And this is why we decide on this particular Wednesday, to NOT wear red, in recognition of this injustice to disabled persons. The theme for this year; “Forward Together: Accessibility and Inclusion for All”, sounds great if it were only true.

In this blog I will certainly give praise and applause where it is do but I will also give you some astounding and shocking illustrations of just some of the injustices that we have encountered during Lauren’s years of struggling with this disability. I was just about to disregard this whole blog and throw it in the garbage. I thought, ‘what’s the point?” I have advocated for years and it seems I get nowhere; only exhausted and frustrated. But this will be my last and final blog on this topic, I’m tired and rather then putting my energy into a fight that I know I will never win; I will put my energy into giving Lauren the best life that I can, in spite of everything else.

I will list the non-profits and organizations that we are so thankful for and have helped us to make Lauren’s life just a little bit easier. I cannot elaborate on these because it would take forever. But we are so thankful for: Easter Seals, CNIB, APSEA, Rainbow Riders, The Shriners Children’s Hospital and The Children’s Wish Foundation.

But, sad to say I could write a book on the lack of accessibility and inclusion within our own province and society of NL. I will elaborate on just a few, just to give you an idea of what we deal with on a daily basis.

One very important issue would be accessible public washrooms. You would be amazed at the number of washrooms that are ‘not’ accessible, to a point where, if Lauren needed to use the washroom, then we would have to take her home or take her to another establishment that provided an accessible washroom that she could use. It is appalling to me, in 2024 that we still are dealing with this issue; sometimes it’s easier to find an “Outhouse”.

Then there’s parking!! OMG!! Yes you may find the ‘limited’ blue handicap parking spaces that are so misused it is shameful. One example, if I am driving our van and Lauren is ‘not’ in the van; that doesn’t give me the right to park in the blue zones just because I have the sign in my van window. I will park in a regular parking space. I could go on and on with examples of parking incidents but one is sufficient to make my point.

A very important violation of Lauren’s rights to accessibility and inclusion and is very near to our hearts are community and school playgrounds. The closest that Lauren can access her school playground is, she can get to the gate/entrance. When outside play is supposed to be a big part of our children’s curriculum; then where is Lauren supposed to play? The Dept. of Education puts absolutely no thought into inclusion and accessibility when designing playgrounds for ALL children. To my knowledge there is not a school playground in this province that is totally accessible. Very sad!

Many organizations, clubs, associations, leagues or specific groups are not at all accommodating if you have a disability. One such club in particular, knowingly discriminated against Lauren because she was disabled and offered us $2500(which we did not accept) to keep quiet. I have the written proof of this transaction but we could not bring a lawsuit against them because we didn’t have the financial means to do so. We had no choice but to cut all ties, communication and correspondence because of the immense about of stress that the whole situation brought into our lives.

As any parent would, no matter the ability or disability of your child; you want only the best for them. But when you have a child that is not on the ‘normal scale” of what society defines as “normal”, then you are in for a not so pleasant journey. You will be confronted with many obstacles, hurdles, roadblocks and barriers that you would have never otherwise encountered.

We will wear red everyday for our precious Lauren, 365 days a year!

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MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

This is the written copy of my presentation I did at the CBS Salvation Army Church on Sunday, May 5, 2024.

My name is Harris Tucker and I have a mental illness! Yes I said it, I have a mental illness. It’s a topic that is seldom talked about. For many reasons; it is highly stigmatized, very much misunderstood, discriminatory, ignorance as in not knowing, shameful and isolating. So therefore people with mental illness, suffer in silence. But I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide; I have an illness, it’s that simple. No need to be stigmatized, no need to be misunderstood, no room for prejudice, no need to feel alone. This is why I have and I will talk about my illness with openness, transparency and truth; hiding nothing.

 

My advocacy for mental illness can be found on my website at: www.harrislisa72.com, where I frequently blog my journey. And also my book; Beyond The Door, My Journey Through A Lifetime of Mental Illness. It’s through both of these avenues that I have shared my story, my diagnosis, my life and my experience with, “Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder”.

 

I would like to read to you, ‘A Note From The Author’, contained in my book backgrounder:

“Beyond the Door” is a book like none other you will ever read. It leads you through my lifetime with mental illness, and a relapse that rendered me nothing less then a walking corpse; a body without a mind. After several years of medical help, I finally fought my way back to a somewhat functioning level. I began to write and found this to be a great source of therapy. I began to blog.It was here you would find what was going on inside this broken mind. Each blog captured my thoughts right in the moment it was written; raw, true, transparent and painful. Nothing was hidden, nothing! If this book doesn’t give you a new perspective and break down some walls of stigma, then I have failed as an author. But I know this book will do even more. It will stir within you a desire to know more – more about this illness, more about this machine we call the mind!

My book is available tonight in the foyer or online at: Amazon, Indigo, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Book Depository and Amazon Kindle.

 

Let me begin by saying, I am not a doctor,psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist; nor am I a professional in the field of psychiatry. What I am, is someone who has suffered from a mental illness all my life. My struggle with mental health began when I was just a child. I didn’t know then, but what I was struggling with was a mental illness. My lifetime with mental illness has provided me with a vast knowledge, and hands on life experience, that I would have never learned or gained otherwise; I had lived it and still do to this day. And so, I am someone who ‘gets it’; I understand, I’ve been there. I have survived this horrific disease and I am willing to share my journey with you. To help you better understand this illness, to educate, and by doing so, to tear down the walls of stigma that surround it.

 

The brain is said to be one of the most complex organs of the body and the disorders associated with it are equally as complex. And that is why mental illness is so misunderstood and so stigmatized. It certainly ‘is not’ a choice as some may think. The medical field and the scientific community have yet to come to a universal agreement on the nature and cause of depression. But the general consensus is that depression is a medical condition, an illness; not a personal failure, a weakness or a spiritual battle, as many may still think today.

 

Let me explain in a nutshell what I have come to understand about my illness. Our brain chemicals, or neurotransmitters, are not at the levels they should be to maintain good mental health. The neurotransmitters, that affect how we feel, are serotonin, norepinephrine and dopamine. When our brain is producing too much, or not enough, of these chemicals then our mental well being is greatly affected and thus, we suffer depression and other mental disorders. A great comparison to help us understand this disorder is to compare it to diabetes. When a person suffers from diabetes, it often means that their pancreas is not producing enough insulin to regulate their blood sugar levels, and therefore, have to take insulin to regulate normal sugar levels. Likewise, someone suffering from depression may need to take medication, such as SSRIs, to increase serotonin levels in the brain. When we are educated to what a mental illness is, then it leaves no room for stigmatization or misunderstanding. It is what it is; an illness!

 

Before I share my personal journey with my own mental illness, let me share with you some very alarming statistics, according to Global Mental Health Statistics.

  1. 970 million people around the world struggle with some form of mental illness.
  2. 1 in 4 people will be affected by a mental illness at some point in their lives. So please do not think you will never be affected, or someone you love. Its much like saying, you will never get cancer. No one is exempt! And because you are a Christian doesn’t mean you can’t suffer from depression and other mental disorders.
  3. Approximately 8 million deaths each year are attributed to mental disorders.
  4. More than 700,000 people die due to suicide every year worldwide.

 

Now let’s bring that home to Canada.

According to the Canadian Mental Health Association:

  1. Mental illness indirectly affects ALL Canadians at some time; either through their own experience, or that of a family member, friend or colleague.
  2. 1 in 5 people in Canada will personally experience a mental health problem or illness.
  3. Every year, approximately 4500 people in Canada die by suicide, which is equivalent to 12 people dying by suicide every day.
  4. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults between 15-34 years of age.

 

In our own province of NL suicide numbers are up by 25% in 2021, according to numbers from the province’s Chief Medical Exhaminer. NL suicide rates have tripled since the 1980’s, among the highest in Canada.

Sad to say, but the suicide rate is increasing every day and will continue to increase. One alarming fact about mental illness is that many turn to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain; this only adds to the problem; it does not solve it. And this, in turn, only exacerbates the drug and alcohol crisis that we are facing today.

 

And I Begin….

MY STORY, MY JOURNEY, MY HELL

My whole life has been plagued with a mental illness.I cannot remember, in my adult life, not being prescribed an antidepressant medication. You see, I experienced my first mental breakdown when I was just sixteen years of age. At that time there was no help, medication was not approved for anyone under the age of 18. So, I was sent home by my doctor to battle this monster, and survive was all I could do. I wasn’t living, I was existing, I was surviving. This continued until I was eighteen and then I was prescribed antidepressants which helped to bring me back to a functioning level. Medication does work; it may not be a cure, but it surely helped me to navigate through life. The years that lay ahead were not easy years, but I did live a high functioning life and operated my own business for 28 years. I basically lived a fairly normal life, while struggling with depression and anxiety but both were managed by medication, and kept me fairly well.

 

I went on to marry the love of my life, Lisa. And then 13 years later, we were blessed with our little boy, Logan. However, this didn’t mean my illness was gone. In 2012, when Logan was one year old, I experienced a mental breakdown like I had never experienced before. I was so mentally ill, my depression and anxiety was so severe, that I physically shut down. And this is what I want to emphasize; that depression is not just about being sad, anxiety is not just about being anxious.Mental illness affects every area of your life – both mentally and physically. I feel sometimes we have the tendency to minimize the extreme seriousness of this illness. When in fact this illness is the only illness known to man that one of it’s symptoms has the ability to take away your will to live. No other illness as that power! So if you remember nothing else I said tonight, please remember that!

 

At the acute stage of my illness I became totally non-functioning. I had a disability; not a physical one where I was confined to a wheelchair, but a mental one, locked inside my head.I don’t remember much about those days. I had lost a lot of my memory, to a point where I was monitored for dementia. Tasks that once came so easily were now impossible to do. I couldn’t use a cell phone; a computer was a foreign object, something that I feared. I would stand at the kitchen sink and not know how to wash the dishes. In fact, it got so bad, at one point, that I didn’t know how to zipper my coat. Lisa described me as a ‘walking corpse’; a mind in constant torment. THIS IS MENTAL ILLNESS!!

 

Many times, I felt there was no hope, no help and no way back; just a black hole. The medical profession had tried everything possible, from: cocktails of medication to electro convulsive therapy. Up to this point, I was deemed treatment resistant, as nothing was working! When someone reaches this point, and I was there, totally hopeless and ‘unable to reason’, that many often feel that the only way to end the pain, and free their love ones of their burden, is to hope for peace through suicide. It is not our place to judge, for only God has that right and only God knows our hearts, our innermost thoughts. Thankfully, I was never suicidal; borderline, yes. I’ve had many days, when I was so sick, that I just wanted to die, to escape this hellish existence. I prayed to God to let me die. I know of one occasion when Pastor White came to visit, and he told me after the fact, that when he left my house on this particular day; he said, ‘If God did not intervene, then next week I will be performing Harris’s funeral!’ But that wasn’t God’s plan for me! I’m still here!

 

Even in my despair, God continued to bless us. Our precious Lauren was born amid all this chaos and turmoil, only to be diagnosed with spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy on the day of her first birthday. You talk about the bottom falling out of our already shattered world. Again we were faced with yet another life-altering diagnosis. God, where are you? God, why? So many questions, so few answers. This is where my faith had to come into play, but at times, my faith was very small. Every day brought new challenges, as in my weakness, I tried to help strengthen our little girl and be a good Daddy to both Logan and Lauren. All day, everyday, I pushed myself to the limit. Normal everyday tasks, that came naturally to others, seemed insurmountable to me. But, I would not give up, so fight I did!

 

And, to this day I still struggle through every day; maybe not at the intensity of which I did but, I still struggle. We must realize that our brain is no different than any other organ in our body. I am no different than someone with diabetes hypertension, liver disease, heart disease, etc. Things can go wrong with the brain, just like something can go wrong with the heart. Miraculously, I have come so far, but my battle is far from over. I speak for all those who struggle with this disease. I intend to speak for those who don’t have a voice, as well as those who have succumbed to their battle with this illness. Every morning, I have to pray and ask God to see me through the day and , thankfully, He has been faithful!

 

When you suffer from a mental illness it is so easy to lose hope; in fact, to become totally hopeless, to be engulfed by darkness. So how can we help as a Church? What is our responsibility as a born again Christian? It certainly isn’t to pretend that mental illness doesn’t exist. Jesus has called us to be ‘Our Brother’s Keeper’, to be the Good Samaritan to someone else in need; to that someone that is struggling today.

 

We live in a hurting world, a world that’s filled with so much hate. A world that’s searching for something to fill that void, that emptiness. I have come to realize that, that space within us cannot be filled with anything that this world can offer; its empty lies.The only answer is a spiritual one, a supernatural power, that can only be found in Jesus and Jesus alone! We cannot do this on our own. I would never have been able to survive this battlefield of the mind, if it weren’t for my personal relationship with Jesus Christ!He understood me when no one else did. John 10:10 says, I am come that you may have life and have it more abundantly’. 2 Kings 20:5 ‘I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears’. I’ll be completely honest; I won’t give you false hope. I won’t tell you to bring it to Jesus and all your hurts, pain, sickness will go away. He can make that happen, but sometimes that’s not part of His plan; it’s not His will. What He does promise, is that no matter what, He will never leave us. Hebrews 13:5 ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’He will walk with us and, at times, He will carry us. Isaiah 43:2 states it so clearly, ‘When you pass through the waters (and you will), I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.’ And that is how I have endured the flames that mental illness has brought into my life. I have always known that He was with me; I may not have always felt He was with me, but I knew beyond a doubt that He was and is with me! Because of this, I can say, with confidence, that He will do the same for you! There is HOPE!

 

What is your story?

 

 

 

 

 

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Fill My Cup

Today is one of those days when I feel like I’m running on empty. Just like a car, if we don’t refuel it, it will run out of gas and be of no use. So what do we do when our car is empty? We take it to the gas station and fill it up.

Well today I’m on empty, the challenges and responsibilities of life have left me empty. It seems there’s never a reprieve, a time when I can just breathe.

With Mom’s passing, time as not healed my wounds. It seems the more time passes the more I miss her and the reality hits me that she’s no longer with me. The telephone calls every day have ended, just hearing her voice is gone. So I call out to God; be my comfort today.

I’m guessing that most people wouldn’t admit to having a down day. And that’s okay, but for me I like to be real and by doing so to help others. We live in such a world that expects perfection, a ‘me’ society, a cookie cutter mentality of what we are supposed to feel, think and act. I guess I was never drawn into that way of thinking. I am who I am, nothing or no one more, just me. Sometimes maybe it would have been easier if I just went along with the status quo. But I didn’t always chose the path most travelled. Many times I made my own path, I found my own way.

Living with a mental illness can so easily drain you to a point of exhaustion. Every day is a struggle, some less then others. But lots of days I feel like I’m running on empty. Many days I just have to stop and refuel, to breathe.

And then there’s a caregivers life; that means 24/7, 365 days year. I’m not complaining; I would do it all over again if I had to. But I can’t say it’s an easy life, it’s tough, challenging, isolating and exhausting. I love Lauren more then life itself and that’s why I gave up my own life for her. But what I gained was far above anything I could ever imagine. John 15:13 says, “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends”(his daughter, his family).

So it’s those days when I’m running on empty, when it seems humanly impossible to keep going. But it’s those days that I have learned to look to an higher power. To a strength that is not my own, to a God that is in the driver’s seat of my car. I’ve been singing this song all morning and it sums up what I’m trying to say. The words of the song are “my” words, my prayer for today. He is faithful!

Like the woman at the well I was seeking, for things that could not satisfy. And then I heard my Saviour speaking, “Draw from My well that never shall run dry”.

Fill my cup, Lord. I lift it up, Lord. Come and quench this thirsting if my soul. Bread of Heaven, feed me ‘til I want no more. Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole.

There are millions in this world who are craving the pleasures, earthly things of gold. But none can match the wondrous treasure that I find in Jesus Christ my Lord.

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Mental Illness; the Joy Killer

I’m angry, there, I said it! Maybe angry is a bit of an harsh word but I can’t think of another that sums up how I’m feeling. This has been one of those days when I’ve needed to write but every time I attempted to, I couldn’t. I know if I started writing, I would never stop.

The thoughts and emotions were anything but joyous. I’m angry, angry at me for being me, I hate what mental illness has done to me; it kills my joy and leaves me empty. I need to fight back but I’m so exhausted. And then life itself has been more then any human being should have to deal with. We have fought two near death experiences where Lisa was intubated in order to save her life. This trauma has left us with scars that well last a lifetime. Then I lost my Mom, I loved her more then life itself. We only get one Mom and she’s gone; no second chances. It’s so hard to grieve when you have many other responsibilities that demand your every moment. And then two of our very good friends passed away, it seemed like death was all around us and we were losing those we loved much too soon.

To say the least; 2023 was not without its challenges, hurts, disappointments and pain. Then to top it off, Lauren had two major surgeries in Montreal. Surgeries that we struggled with for so long; were we doing the right thing? Was this in the best interest for Lauren? But what other choices did we have? None! This was early summer and now it’s the end of the year and we have faced so much disappointment. Right now discouragement invades our thoughts, we see little improvement and still so many uncertainties and yes we worry; with good reason.

Again today I was reminded of just how imprisoned I felt. Lisa had to attend our friend’s funeral alone because one of us had to stay home with the kids. It seems we can do very little as a couple. We are caregivers 24/7, 365 days a year. I’m not complaining, I’m just stating the facts; the reality of the life of caregivers. It’s tough!

I thought by now that things would have gotten a little easier but today just proved me wrong. It felt like my world was crumbling all around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And that reality stirred up some very unpleasant emotions within me. It made me feel once again that we were so isolated and that feeling of being alone in a very busy, big world just overwhelmed me once again.

I find it very difficult to look the other way and ignore the state of the world. The war in Gaza, the homeland of the birthplace of our Saviour, is left in ruin and war rages on with no, “Peace on Earth”. No cease fire for the Christmas Season. I believe there’s not much that I can do but I can pray for peace, we can all pray for peace.

In spite of all this turmoil within my own world and the world abroad; I still have to find peace and hope in that baby that was born in Bethlehem all those years ago. He is still in control, He still calms our storms or sometimes He just calms His child.

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Where Is God In All This Suffering?

Ever since our return from Montreal, after Lauren’s surgery, I have experienced an overwhelming sense of depression that I can’t seem to shake. Depression is so disabling, so cruel, so unexplainable, so isolating. But yet I have suffered so many years with this crippling disorder. So often I have asked the question. “Where is God in all this suffering?” In this blog I’d like to answer this question to the best of my ability, to try and make sense to suffering. Especially when it comes to such a loving God.

To begin with I need to clarify that I don’t have the answer, not really, I can’t speak for God; God is all knowing, He is omniscient. Who am I? I am mortal – I am subject to death. I am not equal to God, God is sovereign; He is supreme, He has power over all things. Isaiah 55:8-9 sums it up best, “For  my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Therefore I can only speak about what my own thoughts and experiences are when it comes to this subject.

With my own illness I could never understand what good could come of this. It done more harm than good from what I could see. And then there was so much in this world that I couldn’t understand. For example, world hunger, wars, earthquakes, floods, poverty, homelessness, cancer, disease, suicide, the loss of a child, the death of a spouse and the list could go on. Was God the blame or the answer to all of this chaos and unfairness? I think we need to remember that we live in a fallen world, and we experience the effects of the fall. One of those effects is injustice and seemingly senseless suffering and unfairness. But as Christians we know that in this life we will have suffering and experience pain. John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble.” But also we must remember that this life is not the end but the beginning of everlasting life for those who believe. Revelation 21;4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.’

Sometimes I just have to remember that I don’t always have to know the why to my suffering. Sometimes I just have to trust and let God do the rest. Romans 8:18&28, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him.”

There is one thing I have learned in all this suffering is that it has allowed me to help others who are experiencing similar situations. 2 Corinthians 1;3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles/’sufferings’, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

I hope I have in some small way helped you to better understand why we sometimes suffer and experience loss. God definitely comforts us in our pain, suffering and loss. Hebrews 4:15 “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feelings of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” Again God says in 2 Kings 20:5 “I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears.” So when we are in the midst of despair, grief, pain and loneliness; God sees us, God hears us, God loves us!

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When Life Gets Tough

The morning arrives as I sit on my bed with my thoughts. Not always a good place for me to be; alone with my thoughts. In reality, I do have a lot to think about, to process, life is tough. Sometimes I wonder where the strength comes from, it’s certainly not my own, if it were I would have given up a long time ago. But I have to believe there is someone greater then I am, someone who watches over us, especially in the storm, especially in the tough times.

I feel I have to reiterate some of the storms that we have encountered and are still experiencing to this present day. I don’t share this for no other reason then to encourage those who are experiencing their own tough times and to show us just how resilient we really are. Even in times when we think we are going to crumble beneath the load. “We can do ALL things through Him who strengthens us.” And that is the extent of my preaching, enough said, that verse from Philippians 4:13 says it all.

The morning began with me feeling totally exhausted, not just tired but exhausted. Life has certainly sucked every ounce of energy from my body it seems. And it seemed that there was no amount of sleep that could alleviate my exhaustion. Then to add “insult to injury”, I started to scroll down through Facebook, big mistake in the best of times. Facebook can be a blessing at times but then it can also be a curse. And this morning it lead me down a path that I should not have taken. Not that I am envious or jealous but all I saw were everyone enjoying summer, travelling, leisure, relaxing, etc. Really the way summer should be. But I wasn’t feeling it. How could I when we were experiencing the complete opposite? And no I am not throwing a ‘pity party’, I am saying it like it is, it’s our reality. We have experienced more sickness, uncertainty, struggles and hardships then I care to remember. I have certainly been forced to look to God to try and make sense of it all, to find the purpose. And believe you me, I had to look deep. Trying to find the light in the darkness, the calm in the storm. In my human thinking I could make no sense of anything. Why was Lauren born with Cerebral Palsy? Why did I have to struggle every day with a depressive disorder? Why did Lisa have to endure four life threatening experiences? Why did life have to be so tough? Why? Why? Why?

The whys are just too many today and there are going to be days like that for all of us I’m sure. In my finite mind and my mortal being I will probably never know all the answers to life’s whys. The song says, “We’ll talk it over in the by and by. I’ll ask the reasons, He’ll tell me why, when we talk it over in the by and by.”

So I guess I will trust and wait. 1 Cor. 15:53 “For this corruptible must put on incorruption and this mortal must put on immortality.” So on that day when Christ returns, we shall be changed and then I won’t need to ask the reason why, this mortal will become immortal and we shall be like Him. So if you have questions that you have no answers to, trust that He knows and we will to on His return. 1 Thess. 4:16-17 “For the Lord Himself will come down from Heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. What an amazing hope that we have.

I said I wasn’t going to preach and I am not really, I am not a preacher. I am someone who finds much hope, peace and encouragement in the promises of Jesus. It is what gives me the strength to go on; even when life gets tough.

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Lauren’s Continuing Journey

July 3, 2023. Yesterday was quite the busy day but a successful one. Lauren’s Fundraiser Market may have been a lot of work but I think it was worth it. Sometimes you do what you have to do in order to make it. It was pretty exhausting just the same, especially having to leave for Montreal the next morning. But here we are, boarded our plane, waiting for takeoff.

Lauren’s journey begins. It was only a few weeks ago that we were in Montreal for Lauren’s trial surgery for her baclofen pump, which was quite successful. So now we are going back to have the pump permanently placed inside her abdomen. It’s bitter sweet really, we hate having to put her through yet another surgery but we know that this surgery will give her a better quality of life, less pain, less spasticity and better function overall.

The journey itself; from getting here to there, is very difficult on all of us. But I guess you do what you have to do, it’s not like we have a choice and really we would do whatever it takes to protect both our children. So it’s, Montreal here we come, for about the millionth time it seems.

July 6,2023. Here we are sitting in the waiting room of The Sick Kids Hospital in Montreal. Lauren just went into the OR for what’s to be a 3 hrs and twenty minutes surgery. The worry, anxiety and a million different emotions run through your mind. There are no words to really describe how you feel, you just wait.

It’s 12:50 pm, Dr Farmer just returned from the OR and came to the waiting room to speak to us. You literally freeze for a moment in time. The surgery went well and he was very pleased. What a relief! Now we are waiting for her to get settled into recovery and then we can see her. Needless to say, we can’t wait.

My cellphone notifies me of a text. It’s the recovery room, telling us that Lauren is now ready to see us. She’s still asleep when we get there. Only a few minutes later and she starts to move her eyes and she’s awake! Oh my, I wish I could trade places with her; I would. So hard to watch her lying flat on her back once again. But she really is a trooper; courageous and brave, a warrior princess for sure. So now the next leg of her journey begins…..

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My Mental Health Update

It seems like forever since I wrote about my mental health/illness/disorder. I guess that there’s so much else going on that there as been little time to write. But today I’m sitting on a flight to Montreal with not much else to do. So I guess this time gives me the opportunity to do a little mental health update.

Most days I must say are fairly well, I have certainly improved since moving to CBS. Not that life as gotten any easier but I think I’m at a different stage of my recovery. Notice I said, ‘recovery’ not cure. I know my diagnosis is a chronic, clinical depression and anxiety disorder to which there is no cure. By recovery I am referring to a more functioning level whereby I am in more control of my illness then it is in control of me. I guess you could say the tables have turned to some degree. This has certainly not happened overnight but over months of hard work, therapy and self discipline. I have had to work intensely in every area of my life; physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and psychologically. Finding a balance in life and not forgetting about my own self care. Sometimes in our lives we forget to take care of ourselves when we are so busy taking care of everyone else. This is not at all being selfish but realizing that in order to take care of others we have to take care of ourselves first.

It was probably about a year since I had a panic attack, what I would call a full blown panic attack; the kind that frightens you to death. It happened on our last trip to Montreal, during Lauren’s trial baclofen surgery. I was abruptly awakened from my sleep at about 5am by shear panic, the kind that puts you into a fight or flight response and I was in flight mode. I just wanted to run but run where I had no idea. I tried to talk myself through it but it was not working, which only made the attack to escalate. I knew I had to do something and fast, so I jumped into a cold shower. And believe it or not, it really did redirect my thoughts and reduced my panic tremendously. But thankfully I have not had another one since that night. And that’s the scary thing about panic attacks; you never know when one can strike and how long it can last.

Right now I am so thankful that I am doing as well as I am. And I will take what I can get and enjoy the good days to the fullest, live in the moment as best I can, the past is gone and the future is not here.

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Lauren’s Next Journey

“When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer” Little did I realize when I posted this quote by Corrie Ten Boom, to my Facebook page, that it wouldn’t be long after that my trust would be put to the test. Trust isn’t something that I do easily. To trust is to put your firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something, now that is not easy to do.                                                                                                                                                                                                          A good example of trust would be; when we go for surgery and  are about to be put to sleep, you have no choice but to put your full trust into the medical team that they will do everything humanly possible to perform a successful surgery. Are we guaranteed beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything will go fine? No we are not! But we have to trust that it will. So we have to willfully surrender our very lives to the medical professionals and hope that all will go well. TRUST!

Just after I posted that quote, Lisa’s phone rang. Now it’s been months that we have been waiting for a call from the Shriners Hospital for Children in Montreal. The purpose of this call would be to notify us of a time when Lauren’s surgery would be taking place. The surgery itself would be the first of two, the other which would depend on the success of the first and would be done at a later date. This first surgery would be a trial surgery to determine if a baclofen pump would be suitable for Lauren. The actual baclofen pump implantation is a surgical procedure performed to permanently implant a pump that delivers baclofen to the spinal fluid to treat Lauren’s severe spasticity and dystonia that is refractory to oral medication in Lauren’s case.

I knew by the look on Lisa’s face, what this call was all about. As much as we were anticipating this call, you can never prepare yourself for it. We knew that this was just the beginning of another long journey that we so didn’t want to put Lauren through again. The call confirmed that Lauren’s surgery would take place on June 7th. You see, Lauren has already endured more pain in her short life, then most adults experience in a lifetime. Where is the fairness in this? Why do we have to expose her to this trauma once again? Why can’t God just release her of this horrible disease? Didn’t He say, “Suffer the little children to come to me and forbid them not…”? So many whys! Not a lot of answers. I believe we are well into our right to question. Who in their right mind would want to expose their child to pain?

But yet there are no other alternatives, no other choices! So we are left to, TRUST! Trust that the medical field know what is best for Lauren and that God knows best. Both of which require us to surrender our trust and faith into someone outside ourselves. Placing Lauren’s life into the hands of someone else other then our self. Now, that my friend,  is not easy to do. Being a Christian doesn’t make that decision any easier, doesn’t mean that we can’t question, and have concerns and worries. After all, we are human and God totally understands. Jesus himself questioned God when He said, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ WHY?

In spite of our human weakness, we realize we have to trust, once again, into an higher power.  For without trusting, what are we left with? Nothing, no hope, nothing. So we will trust and pray that everything goes well and this surgery will give Lauren a little better quality of life. It’s all we can ask for.

 

 

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Make Me An Instrument

I sit in my office desperately trying to catch my thoughts as they race around my head in a halo of madness. Fighting this war of the mind seems like there is no end. Suffering from clinical depression and major anxiety has left me in survival mode, trying to make sense of my broken mind; and yes, it’s broken. It took me a long time to come to this realization, that it’s okay, I’m not a lunatic, I’m just ill. On days that I’m feeling I’m losing this fight, to remind myself that I need to be kind to myself. Just as I would if I had a physical illness because at it’s most fundamental, depression is a physical illness. It’s an illness that affects an organ of my body called the brain and it’s ability to work properly, just as diabetes is a problem with the organ of the body that we call the pancreas. And when I look at it in that light, it makes me feel more ‘normal’ and my depression is an illness; not a character flaw or a personal defect.

My heart goes out to all those who are suffering from this horrible illness. Especially those who have little or no support and those who are suffering in silence who are ashamed to tell someone, in fear that they would be looked upon as weak. This is not an illness of weakness but of constant torment that physically drains your body to a point of exhaustion. So let’s stop looking at ourselves has weak and realize we are strong and courageous because if we weren’t, we would never survive.

I know this illness steals from us the mere glimmer of hope, light and joy; the fundamental aspects of what life is made of.  If we lose hope, we are left with nothing, if we cannot see the light we are left in darkness and if we lose our joy, we will drown in sadness. Today I want to encourage those who are walking this road of discouragement caused by depression and anxiety that there is hope, there is light, there is joy…. there as to be!

And lastly I would like to leave you with this prayer by Saint Francis called; “Peace Prayer Of Saint Francis”. It is my prayer too, may it be the prayer of all our hearts;

Lord, make me  an instrument of peace :

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I

may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console,

to be understood as to understand,

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

AMEN.